WARNING: Long author's note ahead!

To start with, several of you in reviews and PM's mentioned liking Tori's tattoo for George. I wish I could take credit for that, but her tattoo of a river is actually canon.

From Divergent Chapter Twenty

Her sleeves are rolled up, so I can see a tattoo of a river on her right arm. Did she get it after her brother died? Was the river another fear she overcame?

So, although I do get full credit for Hana's tattoo. I don't get any for Tori's. That belongs to Veronica Roth. I just pulled it in to my story, because it belongs here, too.

Next, I received a Guest review on the last chapter that I want to take a moment to address. The question was, have I considered doing a "Random Voices" of Dauntless Gray and The Blackest Shade of Gray so that guests can read them.

Funny you should mention that. MONTHS ago Bahrfamily proposed the same idea. It is currently under consideration. I will keep in mind that you are interested (and if anyone else is please let me know, that could affect my decision.) I'm not quite sure what I have planned after this story is finished, and I know myself well enough to know that what has been sent in PM wouldn't end up being exactly what I would publish.

Authors are never completely satisfied with what they write. Even JK Rowlings admitted that a few of her books in the Harry Potter series were hurried to meet deadlines and that she might do a "Director's Cut" version of those books at some point in time. If I do publish these other POV's, I know there will be rewriting involved. (And maybe, especially for Dauntless Gray where I only did one POV in the whole book, a lot writing involved.) They would also change because PM's have a very limited character count. Many of them are shorter than what I would have written without that constraint.

So, publishing the other POV's really depends on two things. One, knowing there is an interest in seeing them published, and two, the writing project I pick up after I finish The Blackest Shade of Gray.

With that said, if you are interested, let me know. I would like to know there is interest before I start putting a lot of time and thought into the idea.

Anyway, time to move on to the chapter, but not without thanking Bahrfamily, yet again, for her help in Betaing this story, and for predicting what you might be interested in.

Chapter 36 Friends

With the New Year, things start to go back to a comfortable routine. Work is the worst. It's productive, sort of. On so many shifts, there isn't anything to see, and when that happens, my mind starts to drift. I told Carly and Conner about it. Usually one of them is there with me. We've created a game I can play with either of them. It keeps me focused on the screens and not thinking about Angel.

I have Amity! I see red shoes! Carly gloats on a message. Look for someone with a ponytail.

I check every person who flits across my screen, hoping to see a ponytail. Harrison is in the cafeteria eating cake. I message back about five minutes later. I look over and see Carly shake her head as she laughs silently. I look at the clock. The night has gone by quickly. Carly is off soon. Should we call the game for the night?

Carly looks at the clock and then at me and types her response. Let's try this. Who can see the most people in the five minutes I have left?

I keep my eyes glued to the screen, but this late at night there aren't too many people to see. I end up with a lot of exterior cameras from Amity and Abnegation. There is no way I'm going to find the most.

"So, how many did you end up with?" Carly stands next to me, about to leave.

"Only six."

A small smile of triumph crosses her lips. "Sorry. I got the Pit four different times in five minutes."

"You win." I concede the final point. "Thank you," I murmur softly. She has no idea how much this silly game helps me through the long nights.

"Do you think Eli will freak out if you are a little late coming home from work?" Carly shifts nervously from one foot to the other and back again.

I look at her sideways, wondering why she's asking me that. "Hopefully he's asleep. If he's asleep, no; if he's awake…"

Carly laughs nervously. "Want to take a chance that he's asleep and have some cake with me when you get off?"

I can't remember the last time Carly and I had cake after working the late shift. For a moment I'm a little concerned, since I know this will be the first time since Angel died, but I make myself give her a smile. It's a small smile, but it is there. "That sounds good."

A relieved look crosses her face. "Good. I'll meet you in the cafeteria."

Carly is already seated with two pieces of cake and glasses of milk in front of her. "There you are." She still strikes me as being nervous when I sit down.

A small fear is starting to form in my stomach. Carly's going to tell me she's pregnant. Jazz, Lois, and I ended up talking after the last group grief session, and Jazz casually mentioned she and Rais were starting to talk about trying again. It dawned on me then how many of our friends could soon be in that position. I look at the cake and not at her. It's chocolate, but there's a stripe of something running through the middle of it. If I had to guess, Angie made it. She's known for trying new things. I take a bite of the cake. It's a ribbon of fudge running through the middle of it. "This is good."

Carly laughs. "Better than the strawberry and caramel."

"What possessed Angie to try that combination?" I wondered out loud.

Carly shakes her head. "Insanity." There is an awkward pause. "Hana, I need to talk to you, and I'm not sure how to do it."

I take a deep breath and brace myself. "Just say what you need to."

"It's about Kelly."

I start. Her topic wasn't at all what I expected. Maybe Kelly is pregnant and too afraid to say anything to me. "What about Kelly?" I ask.

"Have you spent much time with her lately?"

"No." Carly looks disappointed at my admission. "Is something wrong with her?" I ask, a little concerned.

"I'm not sure, and I can't exactly ask her this." Carly looks out in space at something just past my shoulder.

"Ask her what?"

Carly's gaze shifts to me. "If everything is alright with her and Levi and Lauren."

I can see where that would be awkward for her to ask since Levi is her brother-in-law. "Do you want me to see if I can find out for you?"

Carly plays with a lock of her hair, twisting it over and over in her fingers. "Would you be willing to check on her? You don't necessarily have to report back to me. I don't want you to feel like you are spying on her for me, or have her end up finding out you are checking up on her for me and not trust you, but something is wrong there, Hana. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm worried about her."

I look Carly in the eyes and try to smile. "I'll check on her, and I'll let you know if she's okay or not, but I won't tell you what it is unless you really need to know."

Carly smiles back at me. I can see the relief on her face. "Thank you."

It takes a couple of days to find a chance to speak to Kelly. She and Levi eat with his family and friends, and I understand that. It just makes it harder to find a chance to talk to her. Of course, if she was eating with us I wouldn't just blurt out a question about how married life is going. I'd still be looking for a chance to talk to her privately.

My chance happens unexpectedly when I am walking from dinner to work. I'm running a little early, so when I see Kelly seated on a bench near the Chasm, I angle over to her. "Is anyone sitting here?"

She looks up at me, startled, and with a shake of her head she pats her seat. "How have you been?" she asks softly.

"Today's a good day," I answer honestly. "How are you? I don't see you very often these days."

Kelly tries to smile. "I'm good."

I tip my head and look at her. Even if Carly hadn't clued me in that something seems to be wrong, I would be suspicious right now that she's holding something back. "How's married life? I remember the first few months were an adjustment."

Kelly takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I love Levi, but… it's not quite what I expected. Maybe if…" She trails off and quickly looks around the Chasm quickly. "Oh, look there's Abe. I haven't seen him in quite a while."

She starts to stand like she's going to go say hi to him, but I put a hand on her wrist, pulling her back onto the bench. "Kelly, what's wrong?"

"Why would you say anything is wrong?" I don't have to be Abilyn to notice the way her eyes dart around as she avoids looking at me.

"Kelly." My voice is soft, but forceful. "Is everything okay with you and Levi?"

A soft smile shines from her face. There is a glow in her eyes. "Levi and I are great." The glow unexpectedly fades. "It's just that…" Her voice trails off. She looks at me earnestly. "Can you keep a secret, Hana? An important one."

I keep too many secrets, but what is one more? "I won't tell anyone."

"It's Lauren," she starts softly. "Being a step mom is harder than I thought. I've grown to love Lauren, but I'm not her mom, and she resents that. Sometimes, usually when Levi is around, she's willing to do what I ask her to do with no complaints. But other times, normally when Levi isn't around, if I ask her to do something, she flies off the handle and tells me I'm not her mom, and I can't make her do anything, and that if I try she'll tell her dad I was mean to her and…" Kelly trails off, a tear growing in the corner of one eye. "I don't know what to do, Hana. I can't let her get away with it, but I don't know how to tell Levi any of it. It's been just the two of them for several years and he adores her. I don't know how I would handle it if he took her side instead of mine."

I look at her steadily. "That's a problem," I concede. "I don't know what I would do." I reach over and squeeze her hand. "If I come up with any ideas, I'll let you know."

"What's wrong?" The worry in Eli's voice is unmistakable when he comes home unexpectedly while Ezekiel is napping the next day. I've been doing so much better in the months since my time in Amity, that he's concerned to come home and find me perched on the edge of the tub, tablet in hand and tears running down my cheeks.

Using the palms of my hands, I quickly wipe the tears in my cheeks so the trails are gone. "Nothing is wrong. I was just caught off guard, that's all."

Eli notices the tablet in my hand. He gently takes it from me and places it on the edge of the sink. Then he holds both of my little hands in his. "What's going on with Natalie?"

"It's silly," I try to brush it away. "She warned me…" I let my voice trail off before I accidentally mention that I saw her when I was in Amity.

"What did she warn you?" His grip and his voice are a little tighter.

I take a deep breath. "Natalie is pregnant." There, I've said it out loud. A fresh trail of tears begins slowly streaking down my face. Eli pulls me close and lets me bury my face in his shoulder. I don't sob, but the regular flow of tears from my eyes soon dampens his shirt. I struggle to get them under control, and as soon as I'm sure I do, I pull away and look at him. "Sorry."

Eli cradles my face in his hands. His thumbs brush away my tears. "I guess I should be glad Natalie was the first one to tell you this, and you didn't find out in public."

I give him an Abnegation smile. "She did warn me that they were trying, so it wasn't a complete surprise, but…" I bite my lip and study the floor for a moment, trying to figure out how to tell him the next part. "I think I would have reacted better face-to-face. It was the fact that I was alone and could cry, and no one would see me, that let me do it, I think."

"You know," he says after a long pause, "we have other friends that this could be happening with soon."

"I know." My voice is soft as I debate whether to say the next part or not. "Jazz mentioned that she and Rais are thinking about trying again soon."

"I know." Eli's voice is soft, too. "Rais warned me, too."

I give a sound that is almost a laugh. "Carly wanted to talk to me after work recently, and I thought she was going to tell me that she was pregnant. Then I thought she was going to tell me Kelly was pregnant, but it turned out…" I stop quickly and bite my lip, not sure if I'm allowed to tell Eli what Kelly told me about Lauren.

"Turned out what?" Eli asks quickly. "Levi told me the other day he was getting worried about Kelly. Is anything wrong?"

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Kelly's trying to figure out how to handle it."

"Is she regretting getting married?" Eli asks after a moment.

"No!" I speak up quickly. "Is that what Levi thinks?"

Eli plays with his lip ring for a moment or two. "He doesn't know what to think. He says some days she seems very happy and other days she seems like she wants out."

"She doesn't want out," I assure Eli quickly. "She just discovered a…" How do I put this? "She discovered an issue in marrying a widower that she hadn't anticipated, that's all."

Eli looks at me, puzzled and opens his mouth to speak, but a cry from Ezekiel comes before he can say any more. A smile creeps across Eli's face. Ezekiel is the only thing that brings a true smile to his lips any more. "Are you okay now?" I can tell he wants to go get our son.

I give him a small smile. "Yes. Go get Ezekiel."

Eli rises and kisses the top of my head.

I wait until he's out of the room; then I stand up and look at the tablet again. I quickly reread her message and with a deep breath, I type back my response. Congratulations.

"We need to do this again. Next time we get together at my place," Angie says, smiling as she picks up Ashley's bag from the floor of Abilyn's apartment.

"Sounds good. As long as we can get our schedules to match up again," I agree with her, handing Ashley over to her mom.

"It's nice that the three of them are getting big enough that we can do this." Abylin looks back at Ezekiel and Shauna, who are still playing on the floor. They don't quite interact with each other yet, but they play near each other well.

The door closes behind Ashley and I turn to Abylin. "Do you need some help cleaning up?" I ask as I start to grab the glasses from the table that the three of us used while we were chatting and watching the kids.

"I knew you would ask that," Abilyn laughs and then suddenly sobers. "Hana, what we talked about with Tori, that… Divergent thing. Does the fact that you always offer to help mean you are Divergent?" She seems hesitant to ask the question.

I shake my head and laugh, hoping I can keep Abilyn from doubting what I say. "From what Tori's mom told her, you have to be able to manipulate the simulations, and I can't do that. I have never realized I was in a simulation until it was over. When I saw Jude… I thought she was really alive." I shudder. Just the thought of Jude still being alive is enough to put me on edge.

She takes one of the glasses from me and holds it in one hand while she holds the plates with her other. "It really bothers me," she confesses, "the idea that someone can do that. How do you trust someone who is that…deceitful?"

I carefully set the glasses down, struggling to figure out the best way to explain why it isn't a bad thing like she thinks it is. "It's not deceitful…" I'm interrupted by a knock on the door.

Abilyn glances at the clock. "I didn't realize it was that late," she says, drying her hands on a towel and walking to the door and opening it. "Eli. Come on in."

"Ben said that you needed me to drop by, but he didn't tell me what you needed." His face lights up when he sees Ezekiel. As soon as Ezekiel hears his dad's voice, he drops the block he was stacking and stands up, running to his father. He falls right as he reaches him and Eli scoops him up and tosses him into the air. Ezekiel squeals in delight. After a couple of more throws, Eli holds him and, looking for me, asks Abilyn with a touch of concern in his voice, "Why do you have Zeke?"

"We were having a playdate," I call out from the kitchen, amused. "You're as bad as your parents. You walked right past me."

Eli walks back to me and kisses my cheek. "You don't run for me the way he does." It's good to see the sparkle in Eli's eyes again. We're both starting to move away from the worst of the pain and on with our lives.

"I never did," I try to joke back. "You ran after me, if I remember correctly."

Abilyn clears her voice. "Should I grab the kids and leave you two alone?"

Eli laughs walking over to Shauna and sets Ezekiel back down next to her. "What do you need?"

"Actually," Abilyn points to the kitchen chairs, "I just need to talk to the two of you really quickly." Her tongue pushes against the side of her cheek as we all sit down.

"What's up?" I ask, that new fear that someone is pregnant starting to settle in my heart again.

"Ben was hoping to be here, too. Evidently if he sent you up without coming, he's not going to make it." Abilyn takes a deep breath. "We wanted to talk to the two of you first."

It's coming. I know it's coming. I brace myself for the news. I broke down over Natalie. I told Eli I would do better in person. This is my chance to prove it.

"Believe it or not, I was able to keep quiet this time. I'm three months pregnant." She smiles. She tries not to, because she's worried about my reaction, but she's too happy to hide it.

Eli's eyes flash to me. I put on my best fake smile. Maybe it's not entirely fake. I am happy for Abilyn and Ben. "Congratulations." I stand up and walk over to her chair and hug her. "That's wonderful. I guess you finally let Ben's parents watch Shauna," I tease, remembering how, when Eli announced I was pregnant with Angel, Ben commented was that he wasn't letting his parents watch Shauna for at least a year.

Abilyn laughs and hugs me tight. "Maybe."

"Congratulations," Eli says from his seat.

"Ben and I talked and we weren't sure how hard this might be on you, so we decided to tell you in private. We'll tell everyone else at dinner tonight. If you don't want to be there, I understand," Abilyn says softly.

"Jazz and Rais invited us for dinner tonight," Eli answers quickly.

Abilyn smiles, and I wonder if she realizes Eli's trying to decide if we need an excuse to stay away tonight. "I understand. If you do have dinner with them, and you want to tell them, that's fine. I'm not as close to either of them as you two are."

Eli looks at me again. I think he's worried that, although I seem to be handling the news well, it won't be for long.

Abilyn catches on to what he's doing. "Thank you for your help, Hana, but I have it from here. I was really just trying to keep you here so that Eli would be here when I told you."

"Are you sure?" I check as Eli scoops up Ezekiel and grabs his bag.

"I'm sure." Abilyn walks us to the door.

"Congratulations," I say again as we leave. When the door is closed and we are at the elevator, I turn to Eli. "And what is going to happen if one of them asks Jazz or Rais if we're having dinner together tonight?"

Eli wraps his free arm around me, pulling me close. "They'll say we are. The three of us talked when you were in Amity, and I forgot to tell you. That's the signal that someone is pregnant. We all figured if there was any warning, it would be someone telling us." He hands me Ezekiel's bag. "Zeke and I are off to find Jazz or Rais to let them know we just invited ourselves over for dinner."

"So, who is it?" Jazz asks after we have eaten and settled the boys in Amar's room to play.

"Abilyn," I answer simply and then add, "And she said it was okay to tell you, so…"

"How are you doing?" Jazz's eyes are watching me. As far as she knows, this is the first time this has happened to me. She has no idea about Natalie.

"I'm doing okay." I give her a small smile. "It helps that we discussed the fact that you and Rais are talking about trying again. It gave me the idea to start to get ready for it."

Eli plays with his lip ring for a moment. "How do you know you're ready?"

Rais takes Jazz's hand. "We're just talking, Eli. We haven't decided to or anything like that. It's just…"

"Amar isn't getting any younger," Jazz finishes for him. "While I want some space between kids, I don't want them with much more of a gap than what we are looking at."

There is a brief moment of silence. Eli breaks it hesitantly. "Aren't you afraid?"

"Absolutely," Rais speaks up firmly. "Every time we talk about it, there is a knot of fear at the thought of going through that again. We don't have the reassurance that you do."

Eli's brow wrinkles. "What reassurance do we have?"

"Angel's still birth was less than a one in one hundred chance," Rais states matter-of-factly. "Statistically speaking, Hana would have to get pregnant over a hundred times for you to have that occur again."

"My miscarriage was so early that we don't know what caused it, and there is no way of knowing if it is something that will happen again," Jazz cuts in.

Eli takes that in.

"Have you two talked about it yet?" Rais asks.

Eli shakes his head. "After Hana's C-section, they warned us we needed to wait at least six months before we tried again. The six months is over, but I guess I'm worried about something happening to her if she gets pregnant too soon."

"Lois told us to start talking about it early - to talk about our feelings, our fears." Jazz says encouragingly.

"It helps give things perspective," Rais joins in. "It helps me to understand what Jazz is worried about."

Eli sits quietly, absorbing what they've said. Suddenly Ezekiel's cry pierces the air. Eli is faster than I am heading to Amar's room.

"He's processing," Rais warns me quietly. "Don't mention this for a day or two. He'll probably bring it up then. Eli has always needed time to think through things that are important to him. In emergencies, he's good at reacting quickly. When Tonya died and he realized what was going on with Nick and Leeann, he acted quickly. When Evan was kicked out, it was two days before he spoke to anyone about it. He'll open up when he's ready."

Eli walks back in then with a tearful Ezekiel, who reaches for me as soon as he sees me. Amar follows close behind, almost as shaken as my son. "It was an accident, Mom-ma." He heads to Jazz and climbs up on her lap. "Promise, I didn't mean to."

"Hana!" Sophia runs at me as I step out of Lois's office after a grief support group.

There are a few stares from other members of the group that are filing out. I'm sure they are wondering if I am originally from Amity right now. "Sophia." I kneel down for the hug I know is coming. "How have you been?"

"I'm sad, but I think you can make me happy," she says, lifting her hazel eyes to mine.

"And how can I make you happy?"

"Do you remember Fluffy?" she asks hopefully.

"Your cat?"

Sophia nods quickly. "She had her kittens, and I had to give them all away, but I've been hiding my favorite one, hoping Dad will let me keep it. He found out and it needs a home." Her eyes turn to me pleading. "Would you want a kitten? I know you'll take good care of it."

Kittens turn into cats. I've never thought of having a pet. It's just not something you do in Abnegation, but looking at Sophia's hopeful eyes, there is no way I can say no, and I don't think Eli could, either. "How do I jump on a train with a kitten?"