A/N: I tried to make it funny without making it too nasty. I so much appreciate all the reviews and kind things you guys have had to say.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

Chapter 34 - Two Steppin'

As soon as Alice and Rosalie got home, I was handed a bag and told to go up to my room, change into what was in the bag, not to complain, and stay in my room until they called me down for the party. I reluctantly submitted to Alice's demands. She had done so much for me lately, I felt like owed her this one night of fun despite the great personal sacrifice.

I opened the bag to find a dress that obviously was either made for a midget or came from Build a Bear. It was definitely too short for me, and there were no straps. I didn't have a bra that would work with this….

Crap!

There was a strapless bra in the bag too, ugh and even shoes. I quickly pulled a cardigan out of my closet and held it close letting it comfort me. To my horror, Alice called me downstairs much too soon. I pulled the little black dress as far down as it would go and could still imagine my rear hanging out the back.

I walked down the stairs with my heart in my throat. I eyed the front door longingly, and quickly considered making a run for it. I surveyed the room. It was not as bad as I'd thought it would be. There were balloons, but they were not penis shaped. On closer inspection, I realized there were pictures of naked men on them. Of course there were.

My face barely even started changing colors when I noticed the penis straws. Alice skipped over to me and placed a tiara on my head with flashing lights. I liked it, until I noticed that the flashing lights were actually covered with colored condoms. I sighed and reminded myself to at least pretend to have fun. I finally laughed when I saw the butt shaped gummy candy in a dish on the table. Now that was funny.

I went around and welcomed my friends. I introduced Rosalie to everyone and filled them in on the details of Edward's proposal. I popped a penis shaped cookie in my mouth and started to relax.

"Ok everybody, get something to drink, and take a seat. We are going to play a couple of games before we open presents," Alice directed.

"The first game is called 'What Bella Needs to Know, but is too Afraid to Ask,'" Rosalie explained. "We have placed several questions in one bowl that we think Bella needs to ask, and everyone's names are in another bowl. We will draw a question out, read it aloud, and then the person whose name we draw has to answer the question."

"OK question number one," Alice read. "Is there actual blowing involved in giving a blow job? Rachel, you get to answer this one."

I've often wondered about that.

"No!" I screeched and buried my face in my hands.

"Actually Bella, there is a lot more sucking and licking than blowing. I learned quickly that this is the key to a happy marriage."

"Next question," Alice laughed. "What is the best way to enjoy sex? Michelle, this question goes to you.

"Well Bella," she stopped and looked up. "Wait does anyone have a pen and paper? Oh thanks. You see up here is your most sensitive spot, it's called the clitoris. Your vaginal hole is actually way down here. The best way to reach your climax is actually for Edward to use his hands on the more sensitive areas."

"Please stop!" I begged. "No more pictures!"

Everyone laughed. The questions didn't get any better as time went on. I learned that you could sit, lay down, or stand; waxing was highly recommended; and that there were more supplies available to help with whole process than I ever realized. I would never admit that some of it was actually helpful information.

After we raced to eat pickles off of a string hanging across the room, Alice handed me a bag and told me to open it. "This is for when we go out later," she informed me.

I opened the bag, and inside was a plain white t-shirt and a roll of lifesavers. "OK Bella, we are going to stick these life-savers all over your shirt. When we get to the club, men get to pay you a dollar to suck them off of you."

"No way!" I crossed my arms across my chest. Rosalie and Alice just laughed and told everyone to get cake.

We all gathered around the living room, and Alice started passing me presents. The first one, she explained was from my mom. "She was so sorry she had to be at an away game tonight," Alice told me with a knowing smile on her face. "She sent this gift to try and make up for it."

Inside the box was a completely see through teal green nightie with a matching lacy thong.

Oh you like this Edward? Yeah, my mom bought it for me. She also told me if she were a few years younger, and we weren't engaged…sick!

I threw the lingerie back in the box, and pulled out a 'Sex for Dummies' book holding it up to show everyone. We all got a good laugh out of that one, and I had to admit that my mom did good with the book.

"Um I'm not exactly sure what these are?" I held up Rosalie's gift dreading the answer she was about to give me.

"Oh they are matching thongs for you and Edward. Emmett and I have some too," she laughed.

"Please get that picture out of my head!" I cried holding my hands over my eyes. I dropped the thongs like they were diseased. Everyone laughed.

I got lots more embarrassing underwear, some booby oil to warm up my nipples, a big feather with some edible glittery dust, lingerie, another how to book, and more supplies from Alice. I was thoroughly humiliated by the end to everyone's delight. I was actually looking forward to getting out of this claustrophobic room and away from the penis straws by the time we left for the club.

I assumed we would be heading downtown as we loaded into the party bus Alice had rented. Poor little Tink had gone all out, and I wasn't even appreciating her effort. The bus went the opposite direction of what I expected, and there were equal amounts of shock, horror, and amusement, when I finally realized where we were going. Instead of the skanky clubs downtown, the bus headed to the lone country western club in the city. Alice had done this for me, knowing that I was more comfortable with two-stepping than bumping and grinding. That and I'd always had a thing for cowboys with tight pants.

I quickly texted Edward and suggested he try to find a cowboy hat on his way giggling when I imagined his reaction to those directions. "Come on!" Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I started to actually enjoy being surrounded by my closest girlfriends even if I was wearing a flashing condom crown, a dress so short it should be illegal, and a t-shirt covered with life-savers that Rose would be pimping out to guys all night.

Inside, I decided it was almost worth it to be able to people watch. The ages of the patrons ranged from our age all the way up to senior citizens. Cowboy hats and boots were scattered around the room. Immediately we attracted a large crowd of guys hovering around us. Alice and Rosalie were able to flirt with the best of them, and Rose got to work getting candy sucked off my shirt. A few of the guys were actually good looking. I giggled hysterically and gulped down my drink as they got the candy they'd paid for. One guy in particular was a dark haired cowboy with nice tight jeans. He was nothing compared to Edward, but easy on the eyes just the same.

He was on this fourth life saver when he asked me to dance.

"No thanks, I'm fine just hanging out with my friends. I'm not ready to dance yet," I answered.

He looked disappointed, "Ok, I'll keep an eye out for when you're ready then," he promised with a wink. Alice and Rosalie started laughing and handed me another drink.

"Shut up," I spat and started laughing with them. Soon there were only a select few Lifesavers stuck on my t-shirt, so Rosalie finally let me take it off. I pulled it over my head and noticed the same tall, dark, and handsome cowboy staring at me from across the room.

Things might get interesting.

The girls pulled me out on dance floor with them, and Rose noticed the helpless look on my face. "Just do what I do," she directed as she effortlessly swayed her hips and ran her hand through her hair.

I mimicked her moves, and felt completely stupid. She gave me a reassuring glance, and I tried my best to enjoy the music.

"Incoming," Alice warned and nodded behind me. I looked back and noticed cowboy heading toward me with a smile on his face. "Just keep dancing in the opposite direction, and I'll play interference," she schemed.

I kept moving my body through the crowd, dancing with Alice and Rosalie. I successfully avoided him for three songs, but when a slow song came on, he grabbed my arm before we could make it off the dance floor. "You ready now miss?"

"I uh - I"

I don't dance. I have to pee. I just broke my leg. I'm really a man. My boyfriend is a vampire, and he will bite your face off.

"I guess," I let him lead me back out on to the dance floor.

He put one hand on my waist and held my other hand in his. We began to sway with the music, and I laughed as he actually spun me at one point. I think he wrongly took my smile as encouragement and pulled me closer to him. Maybe he didn't understand that the blinking tiara and huge diamond ring meant this girl was taken. I started to get very uncomfortable and squirmed in his arms, but e didn't get the hint.

"Excuse me, may I cut in," I heard my own personal angel's voice.

"No way buddy," cowboy answered ignoring him.

This could get ugly.

I stopped moving and looked at Edward with eyes that said, "help me."

He grabbed cowboy's wrist, and warned, "Kindly take your hands off of my fiancé. I don't want to hurt you, but I will."

Cowboy's eyes grew wide and he released me putting his hands up in surrender. "Hey man. Sorry, I didn't realize you knew her," he backed away from me. "You're a lucky man," he said as he ran his eyes up and down my body.

Edward literally growled at him, and stepped in front of me blocking cowboy's view. The rejected cowboy walked away to find a new cowgirl to two-step with.

On to the groping.

"Bella, what the hell are you wearing?" Edward said still trying to block my body from everyone in the room.

"I know!" I said defensively. "Alice and Rosalie made me! Do you think I would ever wear this by choice?"

Edward's eyes raked over my body, and I was worried he might sling me over his shoulder and force me out of the crowded room. Instead he just pulled me to him, slamming our bodies together and started swaying to the country music. I gave him an evil grin and put one of my hands in his back pocket.

Ok then, I'll do the groping. Chicken.

"What took you so long?" I asked.

"You told me to bring a cowboy hat, so I had to go shopping," he explained.

"Nice boots," I giggled.

"I don't like to do things half way," he replied and dipped me.

When he straightened me back up, I was greeted by ferocious glares coming from Alice and Rosalie. "Uh oh Edward, they saw us."

Edward raised his right hand above his head, snapped, and pointed in the direction of the girls. "Don't worry. I brought reinforcements."

I looked over to see Emmett and Jasper both wearing cowboy hats and boots. Emmett even had on very very tight cowboy jeans. Edward was a genius.

Jasper snuck up behind Alice, wrapped his arms around her from behind, and started dancing. She turned her eyes of fury away from me prepared to injure whatever creep was grabbing her. When she realized it was Jasper, she nearly swooned from the sight of him. They started making out on the dance floor. It was disgusting.

Emmett was not quite as smooth. He gave Rose a hard slap on the butt. She turned ready to make sure he could never have children, but when she saw who it was and what he was wearing, she burst out laughing instead. Rosalie laughed so loud that most of the place stopped dancing to stare at the two of them. Emmett just appeared confused and embarrassed.

"Rosie sweetie, what are you doing?..... Get off the floor, its nasty in here… what is so funny?"

"You- you and those pants… and that hat… I never…." She couldn't catch her breath.

"I thought you'd like these!" He turned around, bent over, and started shaking his butt in her direction."

"Oh my goodness please stop!" she was still laughing uncontrollably. "I – I need a drink." Emmett helped her off the dance floor finally joining in on her contagious laughter.

"My hero," I gushed and tightened my arms around Edward.

How about if we stick some Lifesavers all over me and you suck them off?


A little bit later, we all took a break from dancing and sat on stools around a table Emmett had rounded up for us.

"Edward, you're not off the hook. There will be consequences," Alice warned.

"Who's Edward ma'am? The name's Gunner. I'm from Tennessee, and you ladies are mighty pretty," he said with a hilarious hick accent.

Alice just rolled her eyes.

"And this is my buddy Chuck," he pointed at Emmett who tipped his hat to the three of us. Rose started to giggle again.

"I'm Jasper," Jasper said and kissed Alice under her ear. Edward and Emmett gave him a dirty look for not playing along with the game.

"What?" he shrugged. "My name's already Jasper and I'm really from Texas. What more do you want?"

We all laughed at that.

The rest of my friends who had never met Edward were looking at me like I had lost my mind. Edward and I were quite cozy, and I couldn't help but enjoy the fact that they thought timid little Bella Swan had suddenly been replaced with a wild child.

I saw my friend Daphne approaching. "Hey Daphne, meet Gunner. Gunner, this is Daphne."

"Hello there cowboy," she giggled. "You wanna dance with somebody who actually knows how?"

Oh no she didn't.

Alice, Emmett, and Rose burst out laughing, and Jasper looked scared. She grabbed Edward's hand and started to pull him onto the dance floor. He looked at me with frightened eyes, and I just shrugged curious to see what would happen next.

Daphne was very… aggressive. I would have been angry, and possibly killed her if Edward hadn't looked so miserable. She was running her body up and down his and dropping it like it's hot. Edward kept trying to back away from her, but she didn't get the hint. Poor Daphne was a good friend, and she was going to be mortified when she found out the truth. She never could hold her liquor very well.

I went to the dance floor and cut in. She looked at me like I had lost my mind, but graciously deferred to the guest of honor. I told her that Alice would explain everything, and I gave Edward a sloppy kiss on the lips. She backed away shaking her head at me, and I could only imagine the thoughts that were going through her head. A few minutes later, we looked over to see Alice talking to Daphne. Her face turned scarlet, and she looked at us apologetically. We started laughing, and she joined in too.

Whew. Glad she can take a joke!

When the club finally closed, the boys followed the party bus back to our house. We told our friends goodnight, and walked to the door with our men in boots.

"I can't believe we picked up guys! We are so wild right now!" I exclaimed.

"Gunner and Chuck you should know we don't put out on the first date," Rosalie informed them.

"OK, joke's over!" Emmett looked worried.

"Sorry cowboy. We're having a slumber party tonight. You guys can either go back to Jasper's or snuggle up with each other downstairs on the floor."

The three guys groaned in unison. We each told our cowboys goodnight, and headed upstairs. There were grand plans to do pedicures and fall asleep watching movies, but we were all sound asleep with in minutes of changing into our pajamas.

The next morning we got up, and the boys surprised us with coffee and breakfast. We all sighed contentedly at the sight of them in the kitchen wearing Alice's hand sewn aprons. They were just too cute for words.

After breakfast Alice left with Jasper so he could go home, shower, and change. Rosalie was making Emmett take her to the country western store so she could get some boots and a hat too. Once Edward and I were alone, I noticed something looked wrong.

"Edward, I can tell something is bothering you. What is the matter?"

"I got a call from the district attorney yesterday. They found James incompetent to stand trial. She told me that he will be in an institution to receive treatment, but there could be a trial someday if his condition improves. For now it's all going to just be up in the air indefinitely."

The news hit me like a slap in the face. "When did you find this out?" I asked.

"Yesterday after I left here."

"Why didn't you tell me last night?" the pain in his face was becoming even more pronounced.

"I didn't want to do anything to ruin your fun evening. I made myself stop thinking about it, so I could enjoy being with you."

"Edward, I can't believe you. I know how this news must have affected you." Edward didn't talk about it much, but he was still having problems dealing with everything he'd been through over the past six months.

"I just can't stop thinking about how my dad won't be at our wedding. It would have meant so much to him. He would have loved you Bella."

I sat down on his lap, put my arms around his neck, and pulled him close to me. "I'm so sorry Edward. I know he must have been an incredible man. You were obviously the most important thing in the world to him."

"I only wish I could tell him how much I appreciate everything he taught me and did for me." The sadness I remembered from the day I first met Edward had crept back into his eyes.

"I think he knows Edward. The things he did for you mean a lot to me to. He showed you by example how to be a good father, and I am so happy that our children will benefit from what he taught you."

"Thank you Bella. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know I can come to you with these things, and you always know what to say to make it stop hurting." He squeezed me tighter.

"I think you're giving me too much credit, but you're welcome. I want to know when these things are bothering you, and I don't want you to hold them inside. It's ok to let it hurt when you've been through something hurtful."

"I just hate that there is pain tainting the joy I feel about finding you," he admitted looking deep into my eyes.

"Edward, it's the pain that makes the joy feel so good. One doesn't matter as much without the other."

"You're right of course. Thank you for helping me put things in perspective."

"I actually kind of like it when you struggle with things. It makes me feel good to know I'm not the only with problems to overcome," I admitted.

"They are our problems now," Edward corrected. "We will get through all this together."

We held each other close for a few precious moments.

"Bella, are those your presents from last night?"

oh….no…no…no… no...no

"Mmmm, no. I don't know what those are," I lied.

"Can I see what you got? Please, it will help me feel better."

"No way." I crossed my arms over my chest prepared myself to withstand the dazzling that I knew was coming.

"Bella, please. I've been going though a hard time. Please love…."

Nice try, but you will never break me.

"No."

Edward pouted his lips and gave me puppy dog eyes. "Just let me see one thing please Bella."

Stupid stupid stupid….

"Ok two things," I sighed already knowing he would be sorry for doing this to me.

I took out the Sex for Dummies book and handed it to him. "Here you need to read this. I don't want any fumbling around on our wedding night. Be prepared." I said sternly.

"Uh, ok," Edward said with his face turning crimson.

Take that you big baby.

I dug around in the bags looking for the other thing I knew would embarrass Edward at least as much as it embarrassed me. "Rosalie actually gave me a present for you too, and I can't wait for you try it on."

I finally found Edward's new thong, pulled it out of the bag, and shot it at him like a rubber band. "What is this?" he held it up looking scared.

"It's a thong," he kept looking at it confused. "It's for you to wear, not me," I explained.

Edward dropped it like it was diseased, looked at me terrified, and then joined me in laughing.

No really, go try it on!

A/N:

I plan to only write one more chapter and wrap this thing up. It might take me a little while because I want to do it just right... by awhile I don't mean months, but maybe a few days. I try not to be a review whore, but lots and lots and lots of reviews for these last two chapters would be nice....

Last chapter sneak preview: bachelor party aftermath, wedding, and JAMES!