5/10/2210
Ria stared out into the black void of space with distant, unseeing eyes. The countless stars twinkling against the darkness. Stars that had once filled her with wonderment and the promise of adventure, now only seemed cold and lifeless. What was the point of that light, when it would only be snuffed out by the empty dark in the end?
She'd sat alone in the Invisible's observation bay, the room's shadowy interior seeming to be a reflection of her own tangled thoughts. How long she'd sat alone, she did not know: time had seemed to have creased mattering since retreating here some time after her team's return to the ship. Only at her friends' instance had she had her own injuries treated first, as she'd wanted to nothing more than to be alone.
Of course both Tarran and Laura had both come in separately to talk with her about what happened. She'd rebuffed their attempts, not having the heart talk to anyone just yet; not with the pain and guilt still fresh...
Blinking at fresh tears that glistened at the edge of her vision, Ria pulled her knees tighter against her chest as another wave of guilt washed over her. It was her fault. She'd led her team into a trap, and for it Jalin had died. It should have been her, it was her mistake!
With a grimace Ria fought to keep the vortex of painful thoughts and feeling at bay; willing herself to retreat into her mind and away from the world that carried such pain. Slowly the feeling of crushing guilt receded, returning to a dull ache as she fell back into the numb, withdrawn trance she had spent much of the past few hours in.
As always, in this state she quickly found herself attempting to rationalize her feeling with numb detachment, trying futilely to dispel her guilt. A small, logical part of her knew she couldn't blame herself for what happened, that there was no way she could have known about the trap. As much as reason told her she could not take the full blame for what happened she could not escape the simple fact: she was their leader and it was her job to get them all out alive; a job she'd failed.
Jalin warned me it was inevitable that as a leader I'd lose people along the way, but I still didn't expect it to happen. It's as if fate sought to teach me otherwise, having the very person who warned me this would happen perish the very same day. She thought numbly as she stared back into the dark recesses of space.
"Creator-Shepard" Core's voice broke in over the room's overhead speakers, jarring her from her introspection. "We have just received word from the Normandy. Their assault on the second Cerberus stronghold was met with a trap similar to ours, however you will be relieved to know that everyone escaped unharmed."
Of course dad got everyone out alive. If he'd been in my place Jalin might still be alive. Ria thought bitterly.. "Did... Did you tell them what happened?"
"Affirmative." Core answered.
The geth was silent for a moment before speaking again in a somewhat softer tone. "Your father said that you may contact him through the comm room if you desire to speak to him about what transpired. Do you want to accept the offer, creator-Ria?" The geth asked, his use of her first name catching her off guard for a moment.
"N-no, not now. Maybe later when..." Ria trailed off as a lump formed in her throat.
"Understood." Core's voice faded back as he "withdrew"; leaving her alone in once more to stew in the observation bay's ever present gloom.
Time once more slipped into nonexistence as she sat alone. She could not be certain if it had been hours or merely minutes that had passed before another voice suddenly filled the air.
"Hurts, doesn't it?"
Startled, Ria spun around in her seat; searching for the owner of the voice. It didn't take long for her to spot Daron standing just inside the room; the mercenary's arms crossed over his chest as he stood with his back pressed against the bulkhead behind him. Ria hadn't even heard him come in.
"It hurts, and you're not sure how to cope with it." He continued, stating his words as if they were fact rather than posed as a question.
"What do you know?" Ria spat, staggering to her feet as she whirled the man, her hands clenching into fists. At that moment her anger and frustration boiled over, her voice taking on a harsh venom as she railed against him: "You don't care, you don't care about anyone! How can you possibly-"
She caught herself at the end, falling abruptly silent as she realized what she'd been saying. Of course he knew, she realized shamefully as she remembered what the mercenary had told her about his past. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Ria stuttered in apology, her anger fading as quickly as it'd come.
If her words had hurt Daron the mercenary did not show it; his face remaining passive throughout her tirade. "Its not easy, losing someone. Dealing with the pain is harder." Daron continued, his voice taking on what Ria thought was something between pity and understanding.
"I know from experience it goes away. Maybe it'll fade in time, but it never fully stops..." Daron trailed off, with an almost melancholy shrug.
Ria said nothing as she slumped back down into her seat; her gaze falling down to stare at her knees.
For a moment Daron said nothing, seeming to be waiting for an answer that was not forthcoming before continuing: "I figure everyone has to deal with loss at some point in their lives, but that's nothing compared to what you're going through. None but members of our profession or those who've lived through wars face it."
"What do you mean?" She asked softly, her voice coming out as a whisper.
"You don't need me to tell you." The mercenary answered with a perceptibility that would have impressed Ria were it another time and such things still seemed to matter. Despite his words to the contrary; Daron continued on with the sought after answer before Ria could even begin to respond. "The worst part for you is not the loss itself, but knowing that it will inevitably happen again."
"Its not just that, it was my job to get everyone out alive, and I failed. How can I go on, knowing that if I mess up more people I care about can die?" Ria whispered, not raising her gaze from her knees. She didn't know why, but she somehow found it easier to ask Daron these questions now than it would have been with one of her friends. Perhaps its because I know he'd understand.
This question seemed to catch him at a loss, the biotic falling silent for several moments before responding. "I've never been a leader, so I can't give you any clear answers. But for loss in general..." He let out a harsh, mirthless laugh: "For loss, I know that all too well."
"Then what am I supposed to do?" Ria asked bitterly, raising her gaze to gaze numbly at the mercenary. "How am I supposed to feel?"
"I have no clear answers for you Ria." Daron answered after a long pause as if pondering the question. "All I have is advice."
Ria nodded slowly, waiting for him to continue
Daron took a slow, deep breath before he continued: "Its all too easy for people to let the pain and fear following loss consume them; allowing it to cause them to go numb to the world. You wall yourself off until the pain no longer hurts you, and cut yourself off from others to protect yourself from more."
"You mean like you?" Ria asked bitterly, some of her previous anger emerging once more. "Are you saying I should become like you?"
For the first time, Ria's words seemed to have an effect the mercenary. He froze, some emotion she could not recognize flashing in his eyes. Was it hurt? Pitty? Self loathing?
For a time Daron said nothing before at last he answered: "No. I'm warning you not to. Once, I would have told you to become like me. But now, now I know how empty that existence really is."
The biotic sighed sadly with a slow shake of his head. "By walling yourself off you sever all the positive emotions with it. Joy. Compassion. Hope. all are sacrificed in a bid for self preservation. It's a cold existence Ria, one you do not deserve."
"Why do you even care what happens to me?" Ria asked softly.
"Because its too late for me... but not for you." Daron answered, his face impassive despite the obvious struggle it took for him to utter those words. "I don't know if the universe conspired to ensure I never had a choice, or if I was just weak..."
Daron swallowed visibly before continuing. "You still have people who care about you; friends, family. Don't let your fear for what might happen throw that all away. The salarian wouldn't have wanted you to either."
Ria said nothing, caught off guard by the mercenary's perceptibility. A raw ache formed in her chest, forcing her to blink away fresh moisture pooling at the edge of her eyes.. As much as part of her wanted to deny it, Daron was right: Jalin wouldn't have wanted his sacrifice to have this effect on her.
"T-Thank you." Ria replied, failing to hold back the new tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Unlike before, these tears were not ones of hopelessness, and rather of sad acceptance. Absently she tried to wipe away the tears staining her cheeks, causing her forearm to bounce of her mask. "I'll try to take... to do what you said."
Nodding, Daron stood otherwise motionless, seeming to be hesitant to leave. Only after a minute or more had crawled by did he seem to accept that no other response was forthcoming and finally turned to leave. Just as he stepped into the doorway he stopped, turning back to regard her one last time. "Don't let the pain take away who you are Ria. Don't become like me."
Daron left quietly, leaving her alone to ponder what he'd said.
. . . . .
Absently Kel tapped the holographic display at his workstation in engineering. As hard as he tried to focus on his work; the young quarian was simply too distracted to put his heart into it. It wasn't the pain of his injuries that distracted him: no, the throwing ache in his side where a kick from the Cerberus assassin had broken several ribs seemed just as distant and unimportant as his work did under the all consuming numbness that had overtaken him since Jalin's death.
A tight pain gripped his chest at the thought of his mentor; what little drive to finish the work he'd begun in engineering failing him. He slumped forward, hands gripping the side of the work station to steady himself.
Its not fair.
A single tear splashed against the inside of his mask as Kel squeezed his eyes shut. Ever since his pilgrimage had started he had faced nothing but hardship. Cerberus attacking the dig site on Eden Prime where he'd found work. Being hunted through the wards by assassins. Being cornered and shot, having to fight for his life again and again. Each experience had stripped away at his naive innocence towards the world; installing the belief that he had to become stronger. He'd tried his best to face everything that was thrown at him, and only faced more hardship in return.
His shoulders shook as he fought back more tears, trying desperately to keep his emotions in check. He needed to stay strong, his work was too important. Doing anything but would dishonor Jalin's sacrifice. He couldn't allow himself to wallow in the pain of his death. For himself and his friends, he needed to stay strong.
He had to stay strong.
Another tear splashed next to the first, forming a minute pool in the center of the blue tinted glass.
Like a dam breaking all at once, he crumbled against the surge of emotions he'd tried to hold back with all his might. Crying out in frustration at both the ache of loss of his mentor and the cruelness of the world that had shouldered him with endless hardships; Kel spun and slashed violently at the air with an arm. Lost in his pain fueled frustration, he loosed a uncontrolled burst of biotic energy which sent a box of tools sitting on the workstation next to him slamming into a wall in an explosion of scattering contents.
Crumpling to his knees, Kel sat paralyzed on the spot more tears ran down his cheek. As hard as he tried he couldn't resist now. During the many hours he'd trained with Jalin he'd come to look up to salarian biotic. He'd set his mentor as a role model, trying his best the emulate not just his skill with biotics but his confidence and security of purpose. Now that he was gone Kel couldn't escape the void it left in him.
Slowly the tears ceased as Kel managed to rein in a semblance of control. While the pain hadn't gone away, the outburst had managed to somewhat lessen its hold on him; allowing the quarian an easier time keeping it in check. I can't keep it all in, Kel thought, understanding dawning on him. A tear ran down his cheek, only this time he didn't try to resist it like before. I can't let it consume me either, though. I have to be strong enough to not let it stop me from doing what's needed to be done. Its what Jalin would have wanted.
Resolve returning to him, Kel pushed himself up off the floor and staggered almost drunkenly over to his workstation. Before he could begin, however, he was interrupted by a voice coming in over the engineering bay's overhead speakers.
"Creator-Valah; we apologies for this interruption." Core prefaced, a hint of hesitance creeping into the geth's voice as he spoke. "However, Corporal-Alenko and Officer-Vakarian requested that we forward their invitation for you to join them in the ship's mess hall. They are planning to have a drink in Lieutenant-Kalerihn's memory."
Kel's first instinct was to refuse, but after a moment of consideration nodded in acceptance of the invitation. Its better that than sitting here and crying about what happened. He told himself with a grimace.
"Core, tell Tarran and Laura I will be there shortly." He instructed, logging out of the computer terminal at his workstation.
A few minutes later Kel exited the elevator onto deck two and rounded the corner into the ship's mess hall. The dining area sat mostly empty, most of the Invisible's crew having already retired to bed as a result of it currently being several hours into the ship's night cycle; with the only visible inhabitants being Tarran and Laura. The two stood milling around the counter in the center of the kitchen area; a wide assortment of alcoholic drinks laying out on the table before them.
Noticing that he'd arrived, Tarran waved him over. As he trotted over to him, the turian held out one of the drinks to him in offering. "I wasn't sure if you're use to drinking or not, so I just got you some turian ale. If you do want something stronger there's not much choice I'm afraid; most of the dextro stuff hasn't been properly decontaminated for quarians."
"Oh, n-no the ale will be fine. I haven't really drank much anyways... well, at all really." Kel replied, taking the drink which was within a completely sealed container with a long tube-like port at the top.
Nodding, Tarran returned to preparing drinks for himself and Laura. For her part, the human woman stood to the side somberly, only giving Kel a quick nod in greeting before continuing to stare off into the distance.
Feeling awkward at the silence, Kel tried to distract himself by gazing over the assortment of drinks laid out before them; pausing only when he saw that several more drinks, far more than he could drink on his own, had been prepared so that they could be safely consumed by a quarian.
"Half of those are for Ria, in case she actually shows up." Laura explained at Kel's quizzical glance, speaking for the first time. "We had Core ask her if she wanted to join us too, but I don't think she'll accept in her current state."
This answer only raised more questions in the young quarian. His puzzlement must have been clear despite the mask hiding his features from view, as Tarran elaborated a second later. "Ria's taking Jalin's death hard. She's always had a tendency to blame herself when bad things happen to friends, family, you know. I think it was made worse that she was in charge when it happened, which only made her take more of the blame."
"Oh, sorry." Kel dropped his gaze to the floor sheepishly.
"Don't be." Tarran answered, sliding a drink across the counter to Laura as he spoke. "Best we can do now his give her space."
Nodding, Kel stared down at his glass, the dark liquid inside swirling around the container as he absently spun it in minute circles. "Is anyone else coming?"
"Nope, just us." Tarran replied, a small smile cracking his dower expression as he added: "Daron practically growled at me when I asked, so I took it at as a no. When I asked Core he said something about it being 'an irrelevant escapade as geth are incapable of becoming intoxicated'. I tried to explain that it would still be nice if he joined us, but I don't think he'll do anything that isn't dictated by logic."
"Its their loss." Laura agreed somberly, lifting her glass in a toast; which Tarran mirrored an instant later.
Following their example, Kel hefted his own drink.
For a moment that seemed to drag on for an eternity the three held the position, before at last Tarran spoke. "To Jalin. While hes gone, none of us will forget that without him we'd all be dead right now. Rest easy."
"To Jalin." Kel repeated in unison with Laura; before as one the three took long drafts from their respective drinks.
Despite the relative weakness of the drink he'd been given, Kel immediately regretted taking such a large slip; letting out a sputtering cough as the somewhat strong ale burned the inside of his throat. "I'm fine." Kel coughed, noticing the mildly concerned looks Tarran and Laura were giving him.
Nodding, Tarran took another long drink from his glass. "I think we're all going to miss him; the Invisible just doesn't seem right without Jalin around."
"Yeah." Laura agreed, setting aside her own glass. "When we first met him I expected that he'd be a very serious and disciplined military type given his background in the STG; and definitely didn't expect the more lighthearted and openness he showed towards us. He never treated us like subordinates, always trying his best to treat us as equals... and I'll miss that."
"I will too." Kel agreed hoarsely, his grief making it hard to put his own thoughts into words right then.
"Agreed. What I remember most was how he was never one to be grim, no matter how bad things got. I think that he'd want us to remember that most about him." Tarran smiled, and idea seeming to occur to him then as he added: "We should take turns telling stories we have about him, I think Jalin would've liked that."
"Well, since you brought it up, why don't you start." Laura replied with a grin, refilling her empty glass with a blue colored beverage Kel did not recognize.
"Putting me on the spot I see, that's very classy of you Alenko." The turian replied with a smirk. Falling silent he started into his glass for several moments: lost in thought as he searched for a good story to tell.
"I remember this time right after I first came aboard this ship." Tarran began, pausing to take a swig of his drink before continuing. "I'd just gotten finished cataloging and organizing the armory; only to come back the next day to find everything moved around. At first I thought someone had been careless with putting things back, but I quickly realized that someone had come in and reorganized everything in a completely different manner than I had."
Tarran shook his head with a chuckle at the memory, a grin crossing his features. "I thought for sure it was someone messing with me, and I wasn't about to give them the satisfaction of getting to me. So, I moved things and went about business as usual; only for everything to be moved again the next day. For a few days this repeated, with myself growing more and more fed up with it until I found out what was happening."
"Which was?" Kel asked, grimacing as he took another unaccustomed sip of his drink
"As it turned out, Jalin had been reorganizing the armory and getting just as frustrated that someone kept messing with his organization scheme." Tarran answered with a laugh. "And since he assumed it was someone's idea of a prank just like I did; he decided not to tell anyone either."
"How did you finally find out?" Laura laughed, shaking her head with bemusement.
"I got so annoyed I decided to stake out the armory." Tarran grinned, punctuating his answer by taking another sip from his drink. "We both rightfully felt like fools after that, and had a good laugh about it before coming to an amicable agreement on proper armory organization."
The three shared a laugh at the conclusion of Tarran's story. Whether is was the alcohol coursing through him or simply the others' laughter putting him at ease, Kel ventured to speak. "It's not much of a story, but I remember this time a training session with him where he asked me to try and knock him over with a biotic throw. I-I was so frustrated with how I'd failed every other task I'd been given that day I sorta, well, hit him with everything I had."
Kel felt a laugh escape his throat as the memory of the event flashed before him. "Jalin wasn't expecting it to be that strong, so rather than just being staggered it threw him into a pile of boxes."
"I don't imagine that pleased him." Laura noted.
"I thought so too right after it happened. I expected him to be angry, but he just stared at me in blank surprise for several seconds... then started laughing and... well, complimenting me. I think he was too happy with how well I did to care that I could have seriously hurt him." Kel dropped his gaze as he finished, painfully aware that Laura and Tarran's eyes were on him.
They must have sensed his discomfort too, as they quickly changed the subject with Tarran asking. "So Laura, looks like its your turn to tell a story. I'd hate it if me or Kel overshadowed whatever you had to say."
Just as Laura opened her mouth to speak, the sound of a door opening elsewhere on the deck followed by the soft clatter of approaching footsteps caught their attention. Following the human's gaze, Kel turned just in time to see Ria round the corner. The other quarian froze for a moment in hesitation, before crossing the remaining distance to them.
"I hope I'm not too late." Ria asked, her voice fainter and hoarser that Kel was used to hearing it.
"You missed our toast and story-time about Jalin; but its not nearly too late to join us." Tarran answered, hesitating for a moment before asking. "You alright?'
"No." Ria said softly, shaking her head sadly. "But I'm better than before; and, well... I can't just keep blaming myself. Jalin wouldn't have wanted that."
Nodding, Tarran slid a drink across the table to her; grinning as he said: "Here, had this prepared in case you did show up; emergency induction straw and all."
"Thanks." Ria said with a laugh that momentarily broke through the gloom; which Laura and Tarran joined in with chuckles of their own
Confused at what caused the laughter, Kel stared questionably at Ria; who said in way of explanation: "Bit of a running joke between my parents and theirs that started way back."
"Oh." Kel took another small sip of his drink; which this time didn't seem to burn as much going down.
Raising her own glass, Ria whispered. "To Jalin" softly in toast before inserting the 'induction straw' into the port at the bottom of her helmet; swallowing a large portion of the drink before setting it aside. "Now, from what I heard from down the hall, Laura was about to tell us a story she has about Jalin before I interrupted. Care to go on from where you left off?" Ria asked, inviting the human woman to recount her own memories with their fallen friend.
And so this went on for some time, Ria taking a turn to tell a story herself once Laura had finished. Throughout this, more drinks were passed around; and for a time the pain off their loss seemed more distant as they reveled in happier memories.
Once Ria had finished her story, however, Tarran turned to face the her, the turian's face took on a more serious expression as he asked, "I know this may be a bit soon, but what's our plan going forward? We have a way to use the Code Matrix now, so what next."
"I know." Ria sighed, setting her glass aside. "I would like to give everyone time to heal from Jalin's death, but... but we don't have that luxury. From what the Cerberus assassin said, I think they have everything they needed. I will consult with Liara tomorrow to figure out how to use the Code Matrix with the data disk we have. With luck that'll mean we finally get some answers on exactly what Cerberus is after... hopefully in time to stop them."
Author's Note: Well, as you can see I posted this chapter half a week earlier than I said I would. This is because I decided to go for having there be a week and a half period between the two chapters following chapter 35 rather than a two week gap following a 1 week gap. As a result next chapter will still be coming on a week from Saturday. Thought I would just give you guys a heads up; onward to the next chapter!