I woke up and felt lighter. Like a bantha had been sitting on my chest. I turned my head and realized exactly two things. First, I was face down in a patch of warm moss. Second, every muscle in my body from my head to my toe was stiff, as if endless jolts have electricity had coursed through me, forcing them to seize up or give way.
I opted not to move. Over my shoulder, sunbeams tickled my bare skin, which felt tingling and alive, full of blood and life, for the first time in ages. I didn't open my eyes, but instead reveled in the sensation of being alive. That was what it felt like.
Coming alive after a long, waking death.
"It worked..." was all I could manage.
My voice felt raw.
"Don't speak," I heard the severe woman order from above me. "Your throat is likely tired from misuse."
I tensed my muscles for the first time to shift my face from the moss, but my arms felt both heavier and lighter at the same time, as if I was drugged but also free from chains that restricted my motions like a puppet. The stiffness was downright painful, and surprising. I hadn't felt like this since I'd been tortured with lightning.
"Don't move either," Jaesa suggested, her voice coming from the other side.
Hers was a lot softer, calmer.
I didn't remember it. Was that normal? I didn't remember anything. In fact, I barely remembered who I was, or why I'd gotten there, or how. I was on...Tython. That was okay, though. It probably should have made me nervous, but it was hard to when my chest felt so full of air to breathe.
"What...happened?"
"Don't speak!" Shan ordered again.
"We're getting something to help you up so we can get back to the ship," Jaesa offered.
I heard now that the two of them were fumbling with something above me. There wasn't urgency in their actions though, and I felt their presence in the Force like I'd just been cleared of a poisonous blockage. If I was a pipe, the debris that had been stemming the flow of things was gone, and I could breathe. I could see. I could feel. I was alive again. Like waking from a nightmare, my chest felt sore, and it heaved. Tears pricked my eyes, which stung. They were swollen with tears long since spilt, and the salt on my face was crusted, as if I'd learned to cry and hadn't been able to stop since I'd started.
"You are very weak," the woman whose familiar voice came closer now.
Two hands, rough and calloused, pulled me away from the moss, and I felt the pleasant sensation of the indentation of the moss leave marks on my exposed cheeks. Like my head was a thousand kilos, I felt my neck give way to it, falling backwards into oblivion. The other two made noises of surprise before catching me.
"Can't...feel my fingers..."
"That's to be expected," Shan replied. Then, "But I told you not to speak!"
Laughing deep in my chest, I felt the rawness of my throat again, which stung. Had I been screaming?
I tried to open my eyes. It was so bright, the colors were extreme, and hazy. The sunbeams shone on my face now, and the warmth, the beautiful warmth...
"I feel her again, Master," Jaesa whispered over me, as if discovering a wonderful secret.
"Yes, I do too."
Despite herself, the older woman sounded pleased, and if I didn't know better, I'd say that the Force around her was jumping for joy at my display.
A dumb grin lit on my face.
"Can't believe it..." was all I managed.
"And that is why the Jedi will always win out over the Sith."
My laugh deepened in my chest as I rested my forehead against the moss now, feeling giddy with weightlessness. The poison had been lynched. The sickness purged. I was free. For the first time in too long, I felt free.
Then, abruptly, a thick, deep pinching shot through the back of my leg, which forced my eyes wide open. Colors zoomed in, and with it, so did sounds. The forest. The animals under the soil. The grass billowing in the wind. Our ship, not far off. The Temple, beyond the trees. This clearing. Like a river, it all flowed into one mouth, and I remembered like I'd never forgotten the taste of strength I'd once possessed.
I flipped over and saw the source of the pinching. A needle. A stim.
"This should get you to the ship," Shan was telling Jaesa. "You must reach it before the guard reaches it, or I fear a bloodbath."
"You've taken such a risk-" Jaesa began, but the older woman's eyes pinched with a smile as she looked down at my apprentice with such affection that made me think better of this whole thing.
"I am a high ranking member of the Jedi Council," she told Jaesa matter-of-factly. "If I am to be punished, so be it. I am sure, in time, they will see that my course of action was correct."
"I'm less sure, Master."
"I'm not."
With that, the woman embraced Jaesa, squeezing tight with a moan that spoke even more volumes of the friendship they used to share. They stepped back and seemed to marvel at each other.
"She will need you," Shan told Jaesa, motioning with her hand to me.
Barely aware, I could hardly keep up, but I sensed that they were talking about me.
"I know, Master," Jaesa replied, an undeterred grin on her face.
Satele Shan tilted her head slightly, bringing a hand up to her lips, as if suddenly deep in thought. A gentle smile bloomed on her lips as she peered down at the young woman to whom, in that moment, I felt I owed almost everything.
"I wasn't sure how I felt when I first saw you," the older Jedi admitted. "I had been angry to hear of your departure, and I despaired your fall. I see now that I was wrong. I'm so proud of you."
She reached out to touch Jaesa's shoulder one last time, bowing her head. Jaesa mimicked the action, her smile the obvious result of fighting it back. Her eyes were wide and watery with unabashed pride, and the beautiful younger woman was suddenly my equal in everything that I would ever do. I hoped, in time, I would be able to admire someone so much just so that I might be able to look at someone like she was looking at Satele Shan now.
"Thank you," Jaesa finally replied. "Your approval means a great deal to me, and will help sustain me through difficult times."
"I fear there are many difficult times ahead," the older Jedi agreed, and the two nodded, their moment turning grim as they both looked down at me.
As if no more words needed to be spoken, Shan gave Jaesa one last smile before turning back towards the direction of the...somewhere.
We'd been there. The Temple?
Yes, that seemed right.
I felt her presence fading away, and the calm, protective balm, the immovable energy that she represented, went with her. Remembering myself, I knew I had to call out to her. I felt like I might be losing consciousness, but I'd never forget this. She'd given me something I could never repay on the promise that I might do something good. I couldn't tell if it was extraordinarily naive or if it was foolishly brave, but either way, I didn't have the faculties to worry about that anymore.
All I knew was that she had gone out on a limb for me when she didn't have to. Just like the Jedi healers in that hospital.
This would be the second time I'd misjudged the Republic.
"Hey, Jedi!" I managed to croak out.
The effort exhausted me immediately, and the edges of my vision swam in and out with the bright colors and light from above. Still, the Jedi Shan stopped, as if hesitating whether to turn around. Eventually, as if curiosity bettered her, she turned around without speaking, her face a series of placid, stern lines.
In a way, Shan was beautiful too.
Everything seemed beautiful now.
My smile faded as tears welled in my eyes. With all the energy I could muster, I pressed my palms into the moss, battled with my elbows to bend me upwards. This Jedi deserved that effort. I nodded to her for a moment before I knew I had to speak.
"Thank you..." I told the woman, giving her a humbled smile that felt unfamiliar on my face.
People didn't help each other like this anymore, did they?
Not in the Empire, at least.
The woman just bowed her head at me this time, a sign of respect I was surprised to receive.
"I didn't do it for you," the woman averred, though her tone was not unkind.
"But you did it," I ground out. "And I'll never forget it."
"You've been given a second chance," the woman named Satele told me.
She turned her back on me as the corners of my vision began to fade. Quietly, so quietly I was unsure if it was an auditory hallucination or if she really said it, the Republic hero whispered,
"Now, let's see what you do with it."
I didn't like to be left in the dark, but I liked even less to be stuck with the beefy oaf and Vette, who'd fallen ill. She was in and out of her room to use the refresher only, and the boredom was killing me, especially considering my recent decision.
Which was to leave.
I had to be resolute.
The time wasn't helping to strengthen my resolve.
I sat in the cockpit, rubbing hands over my tired eyes, hoping the massage would force me to go to sleep, my boots propped up against the metal shielding of the control panel. The massage didn't help. I continued to do this for some time as we drifted through space, and I would have been perfectly content to waste the day away doing this and only thing when I heard the scuffing of boots behind me. Snapping up, I saw the shadows of large shoulders approaching. An unavoidable scowl dawned on my face, but I didn't turn around.
"Go. Away," I hissed.
"Can't, sir."
Pierce was enjoying this interruption, I was sure of it. Asshole. But there was something in his tone...
I sighed loudly and slowly, never removing the hand from my eyes.
"What then?"
"Urgent message from the bridge, Captain."
I made a disgusted noise, which was unlike me, but what did I care? It wouldn't be Zaya, or Jaesa. It couldn't be. Jaesa had already said she'd turned off the trackers and demanded that they not be followed. He'd made sure of this, and he'd be lying if he said the secrecy stung a little from both sides.
Still, he'd done as he asked. He was waiting here in orbit, patiently stalling the ship until they returned.
What a waste of time, he thought.
"From who?" I finally groaned.
"Darth Baras, Captain."
I nearly fell out of my chair for the speed at which I stood up, and my chest felt tight immediately, like I couldn't breathe. I met eyes with Pierce and what he said next revealed that he and I were concerned about the same thing.
"She's not here," the man I hated whispered, his tone grave, his normally cavalier attitude hidden away.
Pierce glanced over his shoulder.
"I told him you was delayed doing...something. I dunno. But he's bloody angry."
"Fuck..." I hissed, feeling my heart rate quicken. "Why is he angry? We've done as we were told. He gave us this time. I don't understand."
"He didn't tell me, Cap. Just to find you."
"Shit. We have to buy her some time. Did he say what he wants?"
"Not to me."
We stared at each other for a moment, a rare conciliatory exchange of understanding between us, as I strode past him and into the main room. As my steps rounded the corner, I wondered if these would be my last steps, if this would be my last heartbeat, if I was marching to my death as Darth Baras lost his temper and snuffed me out from afar, as I'd seem him do to so many others. It would have been a fitting way to die. My only regret would have been not telling her how I felt.
All thoughts of her fled as I approached the holoprojector, where his enormous body towered over me menacingly. I remembered all that he'd done to the woman I loved, how his hands had beaten her, his powers had enslaved her, how his constant manipulations had whittled away at the brave, smart, intelligent woman that had once stood so tall.
I felt dizzy with hatred, and bile churned in my stomach. I could hardly look at him without scowling. It was hard to hide this.
Calm, I coached myself. You have to stay calm. He can smell fear.
"Captain Quinn!" Baras quipped, his voice dangerously quiet. "What was so important that you had to keep me waiting?"
"I was unaware that you were honoring us with your presence, my lord," I averred. "Had I known I should be expecting you, I would have made myself available. Your convenience and my service to you is of utmost importance to me."
Even to me, the response felt robotic, too professional. The room felt heavier suddenly, as if the gravity had been turned up. I hung my head.
"So, my lord," I began again, "to what do we owe this honor?"
There was a firm resolution in my voice that I was proud of. At least I would start strong in the face of this hateful, manipulative monster.
"Where is your master?" Baras demanded.
I feared misspeaking like last time. The consequences had been so dire. Dread pulsed through me as I scrounged around for what to say that wouldn't incur Baras' terrible wrath. I felt my chest tighten as I realized I couldn't really tell him anything.
Maybe that was the point.
Maybe this was why Jaesa had kept it such a secret. She'd anticipated this, whatever this was.
My heart sank as I realized I could not serve as a buffer in my ignorance between this terrible beast of a man and the woman I loved. I could only buy her some time.
"I do not know, Lord Baras," I finally managed, but as I spoke my throat felt somewhat tighter.
It became harder to breathe.
"What is she planning?"
Genuine bewilderment washed over me as I folded my chin to my chest, trying to avoid the appearance of choking, which would, I was sure, give Baras the ultimate satisfaction.
"I don't know what you mean," I spluttered. "I know of no conspiracy against you."
I really didn't. Whatever had happened that had made Baras this angry, I had absolutely no knowledge of it.
The room grew darker, blacker, and the heaviness felled me to my knees, where I felt my heart beat through my chest. I strained my neck now, bringing one of my folded hands to it to claw at it for air.
"But haven't you felt it? You are bonded with her, after all? Or are you truly so weak that you cannot even sense the change that has occurred?"
"I do not know what you mean, Lord Baras."
"Then what is it? What has you so distracted that you-ah..."
Suddenly, like a cold, clammy hand breaking the seal of of my mind, I felt the Force, felt all that it was and all that it shouldn't be, dip into my soul. A shot of adrenaline burst through my body as I saw my memories play out before my eyes as the main hold faded away. Balmorra first. The war. Blood. Death. The Empire. My career. Sleeping my way to the top. My tactics. My precision. Organization.
"Lord...Baras..." I whispered, feeling unimaginable pain that I had never experienced before.
Battles. Victory. Subordination. No mercy. Anger. Rage. Anger.
Her.
Zaya. Red flesh, warm, tan, bright, tattoos, softness, brushing of skin, hands. Flowers, the smell of her hair. My friends, joking at the bar. The pain in her eyes. Guilt. Rage. Inadequacy.
That smile...
My heart leapt out of my chest as whatever this was pushed forward and almost unconsciously I fell back onto my palms, making harsh contact with the metal below. I hardly felt it.
"No, my lord..." I pleaded.
Her horns. Her braids. That smile. Her laugh. Her voice.
Her torture. That pain. Her shrieks of agony, that video Baras had sent me.
Then, Pierce. Pierce and Zaya.
A snake of jealousy and rage uncoiled inside of me, but I shook my head violently. Baras couldn't see this.
He paid me no heed. Another shot, deeper this time, he dove back into my memories as every vision of the two of them together played out in excruciating detail at ten times the speed. His hands on her waist. His lips on her neck. His arms around her waist.
Then, it was her. Her lips on my mouth. The shapes blurred as the memories shifted to fantasies, my basest lusts. My legs intertwined with hers, clenched with wanting as I thrust into her center again and again, her warmth, her breasts in my hands, the taste of salt on her neck, the sweat gathering at the nape of her neck, the tension of her navel as she twisted and curled herself around me, neck bent back, mouth agape with ecstasy.
"Please..." I heard my voice somewhere far off.
All at once, it stopped. I was in the hold again, sweating, shaking, arms almost too weak to support my own weight on all fours. My eyes were clenched tightly. I felt thoroughly exposed.
I had no idea anybody could do that to a person, not even a Sith.
But what did I know?
He just laughed. It started small, and I could almost taste his sneer in the air. It grew and grew until it was a bellowing thing, perverse in its twisted hatred of anything good or kind in the galaxy. The echoes pounded against my ears from all around me, and my heart hammered into the flesh on my chest as I sucked in air around me without blowing any out. Tears may have been in my eyes, but I could hardly sense anything but his terrible, awful laughter.
"Well, well, well..." Baras mocked. "Isn't this a surprise? You desire my apprentice."
"Of course not, my lord," I sputtered out immediately.
The lie was easy, as I'd done it to myself so many times. I couldn't let him expose me further. I couldn't expose myself, or her, to this weakness. I couldn't do it. Not in front of Baras.
"Please, Quinn, don't be a fool. I've seen your memories...and your dreams."
I couldn't breathe, but there was anger now as my senses returned. I felt violated in my exposure, and helpless to act on it.
"The desire I feel for her...is-is...repugnant and...biological."
"Is that so?"
The jig was up. I heard it in his voice.
"So you wouldn't mind if I removed you of her command?"
My abdomen clenched, and Baras' laugh intensified.
"I thought as much," Baras drawled out.
My throat constricted and my chest heaved.
I fucking hated this wretched man so much that it hurt.
"And if I told her of your obsession?"
"No!" I cried out, recoiling.
My fingers curled into the steel beneath my palms. My shivering intensified.
"No, my lord, that is - it's not really necessary. There is no obsession."
"There had better not be. She is a disgusting alien who will never amount to anything more than a tool to serve my will. She is my property. She belongs to me, and I forbid you to toy with her. Do not force me to kill you. You've proven so useful so far."
I clenched my eyes shut tightly, not trusting myself to speak, knowing he saw through me anyway. The snake hissed now, and I sat back on my heels, head still hung low.
"Who knows? If you continue to prove useful, I may just give her to you as a present. The filthy whore deserves a sniveling coward like you."
"SHUT UP!" I shouted, forgetting myself, forgetting where we were, who I was, and, most of all, my own need to self-preserve.
It came flooding back in an instant.
Expecting a slow death, I braced for something...which never came.
"Interesting..." was all Baras said.
My chest heaved, and there was dread now. My eyes were wide on the floor, like I'd just shattered something precious that I could never get back.
"Very interesting..." Baras continued. "Perhaps less of a coward than I may have thought."
"My lord," I scrambled to explain, "I-"
"I had no idea your feelings for her ran so deeply, Captain," Baras murmured, as if the fact was both useful and amusing.
Fuck. I knew that tone.
What would he do with that information?
What could he do with it?
I had to deny everything!
"I don't know what you're-"
"SILENCE!"
I winced.
"Do not lie to me! Tell me the truth! Do you lust after my apprentice?"
The conversation was surreal, but I didn't know how to answer. It didn't matter. Baras already knew the answer. He saw all of it, pried into my brain like his powers were knives in a lobotomy. I nearly whimpered at his knowledge of the forbidden truth. She was fruit I could never taste, but now he knew that it was something I wanted.
"And...you may care for a bit," Baras drawled, as if reading off a chart of my inner workings. "Ah...yes...in your own way. As much as any man can care for an alien. How pathetic. Your perverse attraction to the lesser species betrays you. You are lowly and disgusting."
I just knelt there, wishing I was anywhere but there, feeling smaller than I ever had before.
"You're a sniveling rat who cares more about his career than others, a quality I admire."
How was it that his compliment was also an insult?
"What is it that you wish, my lord?" I begged, for what I wasn't sure. "I am loyal to you. You must sense this. This information was not intended for anyone, and I swear to you it has caused...the confusion it has wrought...You don't understand. I hate this!"
The words weren't wrong.
"It's a sickness, this lust, this...wanting. I didn't ask for this. Sometimes, I wish it was gone."
Also just true enough to convince him.
"Prove it," Baras demanded. "Tell me her plans, why she has done this."
I still didn't know anything.
"Done what?" I mewled out.
"FOOL! TELL ME WHAT SHE HAS DONE OR I WILL END YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!"
"I know she would never do anything against you, my lord!" I lied, hoping he would buy it, or not care if he didn't.
"WHERE IS SHE?"
"I do not know, my lord!" I cried out, extending my palms in front of my face for protection. "I swear it to you, I don't know what you're talking about!"
There was an oppressive silence in which the air around me was full of his rage before it subsided again.
"Instruct her to contact me when she returns," was all he said, and, with that, he ended the call. "Do this, and I may forget I ever learned of your disgusting fetish."
Light seemed to return to the room, and so did the air. But what did that matter?
Baras would never forget my "fetish." It would haunt me for the rest of my life. I would never be free of him, or of her. He would use her to toy with me.
I had to go now. There was no choice.
Pierce entered shortly after, and I stood, hoping that if I pretended my knees weren't buckling that they actually wouldn't buckle. It didn't work.
Nothing worked today.
"What was that about?" he demanded, his voice not unsympathetic.
Tense, I stiffened.
"What did you hear?" I demanded.
"Nothing," Pierce defended, shrugging. "The good Darth must have blocked it out with some Force powers or something, just curious, is all."
"Don't be," I snapped, "it doesn't concern you."
"Too right, but it does concern her. What's he want?"
"She's done something, something huge. He's angry about it, but I don't know what it is."
"Great," Pierce quipped, shrugging. "Well, won't that be a fun welcome home present?"
With that, he turned back into the hallway to the room where I knew he cleaned his blasters, and I, to my cockpit. I collapsed into my chair, shaking.
It wouldn't matter where home was anymore. I had to go. I had to go right when she got back. I'd do it immediately. No more delays. It had to happen, and there could be no turning back anymore.
Because whatever came next didn't matter. I just couldn't stand this feeling anymore.