Disclaimer 1: That '70s Show copyright The Carsey-Werner Company, LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. The 10th Kingdom copyright Babelsberg International Filmproduktion GmbH & Co. Beitriebs KG and Hallmark Entertainment Distribution, LLC. No money's being made through this story. Simply written out of the love for the two series.

Disclaimer 2: I have taken great pains not to reproduce any of the narrative from The 10th Kingdom novelization by Kathryn Wesley. The narrative (i.e. the words) of this story are mine with the exception that some of dialogue has been retained from The 10th Kingdom for the sake of story clarity.

CHAPTER 36
MIRROR BIRTH, MIRROR DEATH

Kelso awoke to the sound of panting. His body ached from sleeping on cold, hard ground, but he wanted to see who was getting it on. Eric and Donna? He peered over at them. No, they were still asleep.

"Big bone," Fez said. "Big bone."

"Yeah, buddy, I'm trying to find—" Kelso's breath caught in his throat. Fez was standing over him with a giant bone in his jaws. "Fez," Kelso sat up and took the bone from him, "where'd you get that, boy?"

"Big bone. Big bone."

Kelso looked at Jackie, who was now awake. "Yes," he said. "Big bone. Biggest bone I've ever seen—after mine. Where'd you get it from?"

Fez barked, and Eric and Donna woke, too.

"Follow me!" Fez said. Kelso pushed himself to his feet and gestured for everyone to follow him.

Fez led them out of the cave and into daylight. They went along a gravelly path with battered shields and rusty swords strewn beside it. The path sloped down and led to another cave, only this one had a giant dragon skull jutting from the opening.

Fez ran toward it and barked.

"Well," Eric said, "we've found the dragon."

"He's not breathing any fire," Donna said.

They all went to the dragon's mouth. Its sharp teeth were larger than Jackie. Fez sniffed at a human skull by the entrance then bolted inside the cave. Kelso shrugged and followed him. So did everyone else—even Jackie, without a complaint. Poor kid. Hyde's absence was really messing her up. She must have really missed his burns. Kelso would have to pick up the slack to make her feel better. Maybe it would make her stop hating him, too.

They passed into the dragon's ribcage. Swords and human skeletons littered the ground. This dragon had eaten a lot of good meals before it croaked. They reached the tail, but it wasn't a dead end. A wooden archway led into a tunnel. Lit torches lined the cave walls here, and words were painted onto the archway:

9th Kingdom
Royal Dwarf Mines

"Must be where they make the mirrors," Eric said.

Donna pulled a torch off the wall, and they journeyed into the mine. The mine shaft didn't go very far. A row of holes were cut into the rock below. Metal slides plunged into those holes and into the dark.

"Whoa," Kelso said. "You can't even see the bottom." He stepped back. "I can't go down there. With my luck, I'll land in a pool of piranhas."

"I think it's the only way," Donna said. She handed Eric the torch.

"Well, I don't think so." Kelso said.

Donna ignored him. Burlap sacks were piled between each slide. She took one, put it on a slide, and sat on it.

"Just think of it as a Fun Land ride, Kelso," she said.

"Fun Land rides don't try to kill you with piranhas!"

Donna smiled and shook her head. "Look, if Dwarves can do it, it must be safe." She patted her legs and called for Fez, who climbed into her lap.

"How do you know," Kelso said. "That might not even be a slide. Maybe it's a dragon-feeding tube!"

"Donna, wait!" Jackie ran to the slide and sat down behind her. "If there is anything bad down there, you'll be like my early-warning system." She wrapped her arms around Donna's waist.

"Gee, thanks," Donna said. She held onto Fez, and the three of them slid down into the dark.

Jackie screamed a fading scream.

"Donna!" Eric shouted into the hole. Nothing. He thrust the torch into Kelso's hand and picked up a burlap sack. "Donna, I'm coming!"

Kelso laughed. "I bet she's used to hearing that."

"Shut up!" Eric said. He sat on the slide then vanished into the dark hole.

Kelso was alone.

"Fine." He left the torch by the cave wall and grabbed a burlap sack. Then he sat on the slide. "But if I get killed, I'm blaming all of you!"

The sound of galloping hooves echoed toward him the moment he pushed off. He zipped down the slide, and he might have said Whee! because it really was like a Fun Land ride. But he also he said OW!because his skull slammed into a metal sign.

He fell backward onto the slide and clutched his forehead.

"See?" Donna said. "You made it."

He had. He'd reached the bottom and seriously needed some aspirin.

Eric was smirking. "Now I know why my dad calls you 'Kettlehead'—'cause your head sounds like a kettle when it hits something."

"Shut up, Eric." Kelso stood up and kept a hand on his head. "I wish I was wearing the stupid helmet."

"We all wish that," Donna said.

A tunnel brought them away from the slides and opened into an immense cavern lit by torches. The ceiling was partly made from another dragon skull, and Eric was glad the dragons were long-dead. The teeth alone didn't look friendly. Dozens, if not hundreds, of Dwarves were working below. They chiseled into the cave walls, carted off huge chunks of rock. They ran back and forth on wooden ramps, pulled winches. Eric felt a bit intimidated by it all and started to whistle the song "Whistle While You Work". Kelso joined in, and Donna hit them both.

"Attention!" a deep voice echoed through the cavern. "Attention!"

All the Dwarves stopped what they were doing and ran toward a giant vat full of smoking liquid.

"Comrades, this is a great day." A Dwarf climbed onto a wooden platform beside the vat. That deep, loud voice was coming from his little body. "The time has come to behold the birth of the mirror!"

Two Dwarves pulled on a rope, and something rose slowly out of the vat.

"No one has made a Truth mirror for over five-hundred years!" the announcer Dwarf said.

A giant oval coated in viscous liquid dangled over the vat. A moment later, the coating burst off in flash of blinding light and revealed a gleaming, silver mirror.

"Behold," the Dwarf announcer said, "Prince Fez's coronation gift."

The Dwarves all cheered. Their jubilant clapping and hollering reverberated against the cavern walls.

"See that, Fez?" Eric said. He pointed to the newly-made mirror. "That's for you."

"Ow!"

Eric turned around. Kelso was doubled over and grasping his head. A dragon's tooth lay at his feet. It must have broken off the ceiling and fallen on him.

"Ow! Ow!"

"Kelso, shut up!" Donna whispered, but it was too late.

The Dwarves were glaring at them all.

Eric waved. "Heigh-ho?"

The Dwarves ran at them, and Kelso and Fez backed up. Eric stepped in front of Donna, and Jackie hid behind her, but it made no difference. The Dwarves had them surrounded.

"Trespassers! Trespassers!"

The Dwarves shoved them down a wooden ramp and across the chamber. They were brought to a room decorated with tapestries and what looked like Dragon fangs. A Dwarf was sitting at a desk with the words "DWARF UNION LEADER" stamped on it in gold leaf. He had to be the Dwarves' leader.

"Down," several of the Dwarves said. They pressed Eric and his friends to their knees.

"Do you realize the penalty for entering our secret mirror mines, comrades?" the Dwarves' leader said.

"Is it having to stay here?" Jackie said. Eric peered over at her. She'd been so quiet he'd almost forgotten she was there.

"It is death. This is our mountain."

"You know what?" Eric said. "You can have it. We're just trying to get back to the Fourth Kingdom."

"Yeah. We didn't even know we were trespassing," Donna said.

The Dwarf was standing now. "Ignorance is no excuse."

"But I need it," Kelso said. "It's the only one I have!"

"You have illegally entered the underground Ninth Kingdom," the Dwarf said, "and anyone who tries to steal our secrets will die."

"Secrets?" Eric laughed nervously. "You can keep your secrets. We actually need your help. Y'see, there was a magic mirror recently—well, it had a little accident."

"You?" the Dwarf said. "It was you?"

Eric looked at Kelso, who shook his head vehemently.

"Do you realize what you have done? You have destroyed one of the great Traveling mirrors," the Dwarf said.

"We weren't even there!" Kelso tried to stand, but two Dwarves pushed him back down.

"Wait, wait," Jackie said. "Did you just say oneof the Traveling mirrors?"

"As in, 'there are others'?" Eric said.

The Dwarves' leader leaned forward on the desk. "Do you wish to smash the other two as well?"

"No! No, no—we need them," Eric said. "Where can we find them?"

"You will find only death here," the Dwarf said. "Take them to the old shaft and throw them in."

Dozens of small hands latched onto Eric's coat. Donna, Jackie, and Kelso were experiencing the same, and they all tried to smack the Dwarves off them. It was useless. For each pair of hands they freed themselves from, another took its place. The Dwarves grumbled and pushed them towards the cavern's center.

"Wait! Look!" a Dwarf shouted.

The Dwarves suddenly became silent and let them go. The newly-made Truth mirror was drying in a rack, and Fez was standing before it.

"Look at the Truth mirror," another Dwarf said. "Look!"

Reflected in the glass was Fez's image—his human image standing on hands and knees. His reflection was wearing a white princely uniform with gold epaulets and tassels.

Eric's throat tightened. He'd gotten so used to seeing Fez as a dog that he'd forgotten how much he missed him as a person, as his friend.

"It's Prince Fez," the Dwarf said. "Grandson of the greatest woman who ever lived."

"That's right!" Kelso said. "That's the guy! And I'm his right-hand man. His translator—and shut up, Eric!"

Eric was laughing. Kelso's use of the term "right-hand man" deserved it. With Hyde not here, he had to laugh for both of them.

"What magic is this?" one of the Dwarves said. "Who are you strange travelers?"

"We're on a secret mission to return Prince Fez to his human body," Kelso said in his cop voice. "I'm a very important person."

Fez's tongue was hanging out. Though it looked cute on the dog, it looked plain weird on Fez's reflected human face.

"Long have the stories been told of this day when a proud prince would stand before us on four legs!" said another Dwarf.

Eric patted Fez's furry head. "Yeah, well, this is the day."

The Dwarves cheered at that.

"So will you help us?" Donna said.

A gray-haired Dwarf stepped forward. He wasn't wearing a mining uniform but a magenta suit. "I am the Librarian of this Kingdom," he said. "Come with me."

He led them to the library, and mirrors seemed to be everywhere. They leaned against stands, hung on the walls. All had guilded frames, and Jackie was checking out her reflection in as many as she could. At least her vanity was still intact.

"Dwarves have mined these caves for thousands of years," the Librarian said. "In the very early days, we suffered terrible losses because the caves were overrun with dragons." He brought them past a long row of mirrors lined up like dominoes. "The caves contain quicksilver, which—I'm sure you know—male dragons are addicted to."

He stopped at a table covered with thick books. Then he picked up a bottle of silver liquid before Kelso had a chance to touch it.

"This is extremely quicksilver," the Librarian said. "Ordinary quicksilver is much too slow for magic mirrors." He took them to another part of the library lined with bookshelves. "Most attempts to make a magic mirror fail completely. They just reflect. But sometimes, with the help of great Dwarf exper—"

"Ow!"

Eric glanced behind him. Kelso was standing by a mirror, and his thumb was bleeding. He pulled a long splinter from his skin.

Jackie smacked Kelso's arm. "Stop touching things, Michael."

"You're not suffering from bad luck are you?" the Librarian said.

"We're looking for a Traveling mirror," Donna said quickly, "to replace the one that was broken."

"Yeah, which we had nothing to do with," Kelso added.

The Librarian took a book off a shelf. "Traveling mirrors..." He scanned the book's index under "T". "I doubt if our records go that far back—yes. As I thought." He shut the book. "There's one other slender chance. Let's see if we can raise Gustav."

"'Gustav'?" Eric mouthed silently at Donna.

The Librarian brought them back along the domino-line of mirrors. They ended up in the middle of the library again, where he whipped a dusty drape off a large mirror.

"Gustav? You have a visitor," the Librarian said. He turned to Eric. "You'll have to speak up. He's rather deaf."

"Gustav, we have to ask you a question!" Eric said.

Light rippled in the mirror's dusty glass. "Eh?" the mirror said.

Eric cleared his throat, and Jackie pushed in front of him. "A question!" she shouted. "About Traveling mirrors!"

"An answer only will I chime when questions put are asked in rhyme," the mirror said.

"All early mirrors talk in verse," the Librarian said.

Of course they did. Eric rubbed his hands together and tried to think of a rhyme. Donna beat him to it.

"Are there any other Traveling mirrors we can use, sir, to get us back to the Vista Cruiser?"

"Three fine mirrors there were made," the mirror said, "to make them such a price was paid."

"Where are the other two?" Kelso said.

The light in the mirror rippled again. "Eh?"

"Our mirror's smashed," Jackie said and shoved Kelso aside. "What can we do? Where the fuck are the other two?"

Mirror one shattered below,
Dropped by an oaf called Michael Kelso.

Kelso ducked behind Donna.

Mirror two is on a bed
With barnacles upon its head.

"A bed," Eric said, "with barnacles?"

"The seabed," Donna said.

"Yes," the Librarian said. "One fell into the Great Northern Sea. I think you can safely discount that one."

What you seek has not been seen
Since it was stolen by the Queen.

"The Queen?" Eric sighed. "Well, that's just ducky."

"No, Fez. I don't have any!" Kelso said.

Fez had jumped on his hind legs and put his front paws on Kelso's pant legs.

"Sorry." Kelso gently pushed Fez off him. "He wants a dog biscuit."

"You're the dustiest mirror I have ever seen," Donna said. "Where the hell can we find the Queen?"

Near she is but not alone,
In a place that's not her home,
In a castle out of sight,
Where once the Queen was called Snow White.

"That's Fez's castle!" Kelso said.

He whirled around and knocked over a torchère, and Eric was too far away to stop it from falling. The torchère crashed into a mirror—the first in that row lined up like dominoes. Glass broke in clouds of silver dust. Kelso stood with his mouth agape as mirror-after-mirror smashed into each other.

"Murderers!" the Librarian shouted. "You've murdered my mirrors."

Kelso tried to apologize, but the Librarian had backed into some Dwarves who were restoring the frames of unbroken mirrors.

"Mirror-murderers! Kill them. Kill them!"

Eric shoved Kelso forward, and they all ran out of the library before the Dwarves could catch them.

"Quick! Sound the alarm," a Dwarf said behind them.

A sound like a train whistle blew throughout the mine.

Eric led everyone into another tunnel, and they almost plunged head-first down one of those metal slides. The Dwarves' shouts were echoing louder and louder.

Eric tossed a burlap sack onto the slide. "Donna, Jackie—go."

Donna and Jackie climbed onto the slide and disappeared into the dark.

Eric went next with Fez on his lap. The ride was longer and steeper than the last one, but they made it to the bottom without incident.

"Eric, out of the way!"

Kelso flew off the slide and crash-landed onto his right arm. Eric had stepped back just in time.

"You okay?" Eric said.

"No!" Kelso stood up and rubbed his wrist.

"You are such a doofus," Jackie said.

Donna pulled a torch off the wall and nodded. "Yeah. Try to be more careful."

"It's not my fault," Kelso said. "It's my bad luck." He stomped forward. "How much worse ca—ahhh!"

The ground beneath his feet had given way. He plummeted through the floor, and his scream was swallowed by a racket of rumbling rock.

"Kelso!" Eric shouted. He crouched by the hole and looked into it. Kelso had landed at least ten feet below onto a pile of rubble. He was lying awkwardly on his back and didn't move.

"Kelso!" Eric shouted again and still nothing. He hoped to God Kelso's bad luck hadn't finally ended.