Alistair was not in the library, not that Elishka really expected to find him there. He had never been much for reading. She stopped and searched for him there, anyway. Perhaps it was a stalling tactic, a way of putting off the inevitable. They needed to speak about so many things and she simply did not know how to start or what to say. An end would come from their conversation as well as the birth of a new beginning, which scared her. Alistair was everything comfortable, known and safe. His book was opened, the pages spread on display for all too easily read. No mysteries lay hidden within the text.

Her path took her through the Landsmeet chamber, memories ghosting about in flickers of hope and pain. The first time she had walked into the chamber she had been filled with purpose, her enemy crystalline and obvious. Side by side, they stood in victory at the fall of a hero. Side by side, they stood as cheers echoed joyous at the pronouncement of a new King. Jubilation rained down in precious relief. They had won the battle and now had but to win the war.

The second time she had walked into the chamber she had been filled with dread, her enemy a conflicting blur of emotions. So far apart they stood in the celebration of a hero. So far apart they stood as cheers echoed, joyous at the victorious strike of a Warden against her foe. So far apart they stood as a King stood side by side with his new Queen. Bitterness swallowed down with another swill of wine, another gulp of intoxicating and dulling relief. They had won the war and now had but to accept their prizes.

This third time she walked into the chamber she was filled only the remembrances of times past and the cool recognition of what she must do. She had put it off long enough.

She eventually found Alistair in his study. Guards were stationed in each corner of the room as well as at the entrance. Eamon and Alistair appeared to be in deep conversation.

She interrupted with a cough. "Your Majesty. Might I speak to you in private?"

Alistair's expression washed plain. She had not been kind to him, and it would have come as no surprise if he did not wish to be alone with her; however, with the sweep of his hand, he bade the guards leave the room. His request to the elder statesmen was a bit more personal. "Eamon, please?"

Elishka waited, hands fidgeting nervously with her robes. Eamon left the room without protest, but not before he paused to give a rather stern look to the mage. Elishka bit back the urge to stick her tongue out at the man, and instead offered him an apologetic smile. Whatever they had been discussing could wait. Elishka's matters were far more pressing and far more liable to turn rotten if she didn't move while the comments were fresh in her head.

As Eamon left the room and the heavy door closed behind him, Alistair turned and looked squarely at Elishka. Annoyance and curiosity brushed along his features. "Please, don't do that. Not today. Just call me Alistair, ok? So what's so important that you had to interrupt my meeting?"

And that was how it was to be. She had crossed the line without trying and sparked his irritation in a simple greeting. She capitulated, "Alright… Alistair." She walked over toward a window, her back turned to Alistair. "I know Zevran can be irresistible but…"

Words snapped, "I don't need to hear from you how charming he can be." She could feel his closeness as Alistair neared her by the window. A sigh escaped him. "I shouldn't have hit him but he... What can I say? I'm not sorry I did." There was no regret in his tone.

Stay calm and get through this...

Teeth tugged at her lower lip, biting anxiously. Her hand rose and traced the leaded border between the windowpanes. "I don't suppose you would be. You broke his nose, so you know. But I fixed it." She always fixed everything.

He shifted, taking a position at her side rather than hovering from behind. "I hope you didn't come here just to chastise me for hitting your… I don't even know what to call him."

She glanced up to Alistair, drawing her attentions away from the window. "Just call him Zev, Alistair. And no, that is not why I came here."

His brows furrowed, anger sparking in his eyes. "Then why are you here? I'm tired. It's been a long day and I don't want to argue or have another fight with you. I'm…I just can't do it anymore, Elishka."

She could not do it anymore either. This living in the trenches between what was and what could be had grown tiresome and grating. "I…that's why I'm here. We...I am going to leave tomorrow. I think it's for the best."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that." She sighed and shrugged. "What do you expect, Alistair? I told you that I wouldn't stay. I can't take your offer. Be honest with yourself, it was never much of an offer."

His hands took possession of her shoulders, turning Elishka to face him. "You once told me that everyone was out for themselves. The offer was quite real and now with Anora… Well it seems she is out of the picture doesn't it? Just before you arrived, Eamon was telling me she had been spotted on a ship headed to Orlais over a week ago." Feather soft, thumbs brushed against the fabric of her robes. "I need you to stay. I didn't realize how alone I was until I saw you again."

"I did tell you that and I am following my own advice. I'm sorry to hear about Anora. I should have known better." The woman had been far more politically savvy than Elishka had assumed. Or maybe Elishka was just far less politically perceptive than she had thought. Either way, Anora had duped her into believing she would happily reign at Alistair's side. "I… She seemed the best alternative at the time for peace. But it doesn't matter, Alistair, if Anora is around or not. You will marry as it is your duty to do so. Eamon will see to it, I am quite sure. I would not do to that woman, whoever she may be, what you ask of me. I am many things, but I am not a cheat."

In truth, she could not do to another woman what he asked. She would not like to be married to a man with a mistress, after all. What she could not do is be the dirty secret or the topic of whispered gossip. She would never fully be a part of his life, not if she resided within the shadows. Bitterness and regret could only be born from such an existence. She deserved better. Zevran had helped her realize this.

"But you associate yourself with one? " His words were meant to sting. An accusatory eye stared down at Elishka, trying to pierce through and fracture the logic behind her decision.

But he did not succeed. She shook her head, unwilling to give even a little. "Zevran is not a cheat and you know that. You aren't being fair."

The fires stoked, the flames rising higher and higher in the volume of his tone. "Fair? You want to talk about what is fair? How fair is it that I had to ask your lover to torture a man today? How fair is it that you made me king against my wishes? How fair is it that even you are abandoning me?" His fingers squeezed, pressing firm into her shoulders and upper arms.

She shrugged away, a tug of the torso freeing her from his grasp. The calmness she had struggled to maintain began to fade, her own teapot of a mood beginning to simmer and steam. "Let's get something straight. I'm not the one that did the leaving, but I thought you didn't want to argue?"

Hands rose and raked through his dirty blond locks, tugging at their length. A disparaging groan preceded his surrender. "I don't..I didn't. Maker's breath, woman. You make me insane."

Her shoulders rolled back, posture straightening in an attempt to dampen her rising mood. "See, another reason why I should leave. You need to keep your head clear." He needed to see the logic for both their sakes.

"You would have done it to Anora if I had asked, after the Landsmeet. Have you really changed so much?"

And he had her there. She would have given up anything if he would have just made that proposal back then. There was no doubt she would have jumped at the opportunity. She wanted a little happiness for herself after all the things she had to do. But that was not what happened. "I would have, yes. You gave me hope that there was a life for me outside of the Circle. I was young and in love. I did what I thought was right and I knew you would do the same. You broke my heart."

"Loved?" Again, familiar hands land upon Elishka, wrapping around her back and pulling her toward him. "I recall you saying at the lake that you still loved me. You also never answered my question about Zevran. Do you love him?"

Breathing steady became difficult. In and out, in and out, staggered breaths were drawn in an uneven manner. "I remember telling you it was none of your business too."

"I'm making it my business." One hand drew upward, a finger tilting against the bottom of Elishka's chin and nudging it up.

It could have been terribly romantic to say no, to profess undying love and affection for the man full of hope that held her. Her fairytale ending was within her grasp – a knight in shining armor, a King no less, ready and eager to sweep her away in his arms like something out of one of her romance novels. And while she had told Zevran that she picked him, a bit of doubt had lingered. Could there be love between them? Did she love him?

She'd avoided the question, uneager to walk down that path again. Her last trip had left her broken and angry, half the person she could have been. But she had leapt into his arms and found comfort and peace. Zevran was what she needed, an imperfect man as the perfect solution.

Everything that had been blurry became clear. Something lost found. Her voice quiet, a whispered confession, "I think I do."

Alistair's hold upon Elishka loosened defeated. His eyes looked elsewhere – anywhere but at her. His face pulled down in heavy frown, "I see."

The thin line of hope had been ripped in two with her admission. There had been a time she wanted to see him hurt, a time when she wanted to see his tears dripping, sloppy and indelicate. All that now seemed petty. Her desire to cause him pain twisted into her own sadness and remorse at having caused him anguish. Could this have been how he felt at the Landsmeet? Could she have truly misjudged him so?

I have been so unfair…

"You were right after the Landsmeet. I just didn't see it at the time. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I failed to see you were only doing what you had to. Wynne once told me that as a Warden I would have to make hard decisions that would go against my self-interest. It took me some time to realize the wisdom in those words. So, I need to leave. We need separation. "

"And if I forbid it?" Still he clung stubbornly to the loose threads dangling in the air, grasping desperately.

And again, she does not relent and stands her ground, firm. "You won't because you know I'm right. You are just angry about Zevran."

He had no response and let the silence hang heavy in the air for some time. Eventually, he does speak though but with more questions. "I have to know. Why Zevran?"

"Do you really want me to answer that Alistair?"

"Yes, I need to know."

She sighs. This was not the conversation she wanted to have or thought she would be having. Though answers might sting in the short term, perhaps they would help with time. He never gave her answers when circumstances were reversed. She would take the high road for once. "He's like me. And he never judges."

"I don't judge you."

"Yes, you do. There have been many decisions I've had to make that you did not agree with. And while you swallowed down your difference of opinion and tried to keep it hidden that it bothered you, I could always tell, Alistair. " She drew a finger to Alistair's mouth and pressed it against his lips to silence the words that were on the verge of being spoken. "Before you say anything to that, I want to say that it's alright. It's part of what makes you who you are, and I would never change that about you."

His head shook, hurt reflected in his expression. "But it's not enough to make you want to stay here, with me?"

"That isn't what I said, Alistair. Zevran makes me happy. He doesn't make me pretend to be something I'm not. He lets me be myself. You know if I stayed at court I could not be myself, not really."

The pain muted, sense having finally appeared to penetrate the King's thoughts. His features lost the hard edge of conversational battle and took on the softness of the defeated. "I…. Do you always have to be right?" Point, set and match for the mage.

"It's a talent, I'm afraid. Comes along with the Hero title." She patted his arm affectionately. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I hate the idea of you here without someone. I'm going to leave Cullen as the official representative of the Grey Wardens at Court. If that is alright with His Majesty?"

"He's not nearly as pretty as you are, but I suppose that will be fine so long as he understands I won't cuddle with him."

"I don't think that will be a problem. "

"You once mentioned we were not friends. Is that true?"

"I'd like us to be. I know I've been incredibly mean and heartless to you over the last couple months and I can't promise that I won't have my moments." She grinned sheepishly. "You have a talent for bringing those moments out in me. But, yes, I'd like us to be friends again." She wanted that more than he could ever know. She needed his friendship; too much had passed between them to ever cut ties no matter their romantic status. She would always love Alistair.

"I…I would like that." He hesitated, all awkward motions and uncertain moves. His arms opened in offering of a hug. She slid into his arms, taking comfort in his strength and warmth. He was always so warm.

The embrace ended as clumsily as it started. Elishka took an unsteady step back. Arms crossed over her chest. Protective stance was put into action. No more hugging. No more touching. "I should go before we fight again."

"If you ever need anything…."

"The same … " Maybe a little more touching, lips found his cheek and pressed down in gentle kiss, a friendly gesture and nothing more. "Good-bye Alistair," she murmured before making her exit. She knew it would not be the last time she saw him, but everything would be different when they would meet again. Friendship barriers would be erected, intimacy levels changed forever. And the prospect of all that? It did not bother her in the slightest. She had Zevran to turn to. Zevran to..

Oh Maker's ass, I sent Cullen off with Zevran… What was I thinking?