Title: knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend

Fandom: DCU animated/Avengers movieverse

Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Donne

Warnings: Discussion of death/violence/torture – basically, everything Red Hood and Winter Soldier's respective backstories has.

Pairings: Jimmy/Jason

Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1220

Point of view: third

Prompt: Any, any, pain is the fire in which one's true mettle is forged

It takes Jimmy almost a week to feel normal again. For those days, he either stays in their loft or roams Gotham as Jim Banks; Jason doesn't ask him to shadow the two meets or put on the mask. He calls Steve every day and each time Steve offers to drive over. Jimmy tells him not to.

Bucky Barnes is dead. The asset is dead. Despite their deaths, Jimmy knows they are still in his head, that they will always be in his head – and it is time to make peace with that. He uses both their skills. He has both their memories (what was left, after Hydra).

… perhaps, then, they are not dead. He can never be them again, does not want to – but that sounds right. Jimmy is the asset is Bucky Barnes is Jim Banks is Jimmy.

Yes.

.

"How's it going, Jim?" Debra asks as she steps off the elevator, Joy in her arms and Billy and Devon tumbling after.

"Good," he answers, glad that is honesty. He is doing much better. "Where are you goin'?"

"To visit the local elementary school for these rascals," Debra says as – Devon? Jimmy studies closely and yes, that one's Devon – tackles Billy onto the floor. "Boys!" Debra leans down to grab the back of Devon's shirt and Joy starts whining.

"Would it be easier if I kept Joy?" he surprises himself by asking.

"Oh, would you?" Debra lets go of Devon (who pounces immediately back onto Billy) and turns to hand the baby off, along with the diaper bag. "She's already been fed lunch and we'll be back long before dinnertime. She should be good to nap but if she wakes up, just walk around. Thank you so much, Jim!"

With both arms now free, she hurries back to the boys, scooping them both up, and then she's out of the building.

Jimmy blinks down at Joy, who is already mostly asleep again. "Huh."

.

Unlike what Jimmy remembers of Olivia and Julia (he was too young when Rebecca was born to remember), Joy is a quiet baby. She makes a little fussy noise when she needs to be changed, but slips right back into sleep.

He holds her tucked up against his chest, protected by the not-arm, and it is a relief to know that the not-arm does more than hurt. Jason derives some sort of comfort from it, though Jimmy has not asked how or why, and that Joy can sleep while being cradled by it… some hurt in what remains of Bucky Barnes' soul is soothed.

Debra and the twins are back before Jason and Jimmy returns Joy to her mother, feeling a little lost without her warmth close by.

Whatever expression is on his face causes Debra to raise her eyebrow. "Jim," she says, "would you like to become my daughter's sitter?"

He blinks at her. "… can I?" he asks.

Debra nods firmly. "I'll pay you in food," she says. "I already make enough for an army to keep the rascals fed. Any day you watch Joy, you can expect a dinner that night. Sound good?"

"Yeah," he says faintly.

She smiles at him, then down at Joy, and orders the boys, "C'mon, you two, time for The Simpsons." Over her shoulder, she explains, "The Simpsons is a compromise."

He has no idea who the Simpsons are, or why they're a compromise, but she's gone before he can ask.

Two hours later, she delivers a platter of lasagna, pats him on the not-shoulder, and leaves without a word.

.

Jason gets back from the meeting with Marco Silva, the newly-installed leader of the Lords of the Avenues and announces, "So far, so good," letting all his gear fall in the middle of the room. "What smells amazing?"

"Debra made us lasagna," Jimmy says. He's been reading The Protector of the Small since the librarian suggested it; Kel reminds him so much of Steve it aches, a little.

"Why did Debra make us lasagna?" Jason fills and drains a glass of water twice before Jimmy can answer.

"You should take more care to remain hydrated throughout the day," he says. "And I babysat Joy."

Jason pauses, glances over his shoulder at Jimmy, shakes his head, and then refills the glass again. "C'mon, kiddo, let's eat," he says.

As they work their way through the food, Jason shares everything about the meet and all the other intel he gathered; in turn, Jimmy explains the plot of his most recent book.

"Sounds pretty good," Jason says. "Wanna read that aloud tonight?"

The reading aloud is one of Jimmy's favorite parts. Jason doesn't often ask, and Jimmy has not dared to request it. "If you'd like," he says, smiling down at his plate.

.

Though Jimmy has come to terms with Bucky Barnes and the asset's lives and deaths (and their resurrections in him), he cannot help but wonder if Jason has done the same. Bucky Barnes would've been able to ask in some unobtrusive, smooth way but Jimmy – Jimmy waits until they have just woken up tangled in each other, Jason holding the not-arm across his chest, and he asks, "Would it bother you if I visited the grave Wayne placed for you?"

What he wants is for Jason to come with him. But that, he dare not say.

It is a very long moment before Jason answers, "No. I don't mind." If he truly does, it is not in his voice.

"Day or night?" Jason says when the silence grows too long for him to bear.

"Day," Jimmy decides. The night is for ghosts and they are both alive.

.

Jason goes with him. They dress as Jay Smith and Jim Banks but do not act like two carefree men in the prime of their lives. Jason's grave is in the Wayne family plot in the heart of Batman's territory. It is a chilly winter day, early in the morning, and once they start walking through the cemetery, Jason reaches for Jimmy's not-hand, threading their fingers together.

"He's gonna know we're here," Jason says softly. "Probably Al, too."

Neither of them slow down. They read every headstone, dropping their heads in respect as they pass, and finally, they stand in front of Jason's. "I wonder what he buried," Jason murmurs, "if he buried anything at all."

Jimmy has no words. He hears footsteps approaching but nothing is said so he stands quietly beside Jason until Jason finally says, "Okay. Okay, let's go."

Alfred Pennyworth is staring at them but Jason does not pause. Further on, Bruce Wayne is watching, too. As they leave, Pennyworth calls, "Master Jason! Should you like to come for a meal, all of your favorites will be made available."

Jason pivots mid-step and calls back, "Really, Al? Didn't he tell you what I'm doing?"

Pennyworth nods firmly. "Any time, Master Jason. And your young man is invited as well."

The smile that blooms on Jason's face is perhaps the loveliest thing Jimmy has seen. Jason ducks his head and turns back, gently tugging on Jimmy's not-hand.

Wayne says nothing; Jimmy feels both their gazes long after they've climbed onto Jason's motorcycle and driven away.

He rests his head on Jason's back, his hand and not-hand linked around Jason's waist, and he thinks, We're alive, Jason. We're alive.