Thus are we ministers of God's own wish: that the world, and men for whom His Son die, will not be given over to monsters, whose very existence would defame Him. He has allowed us to redeem one soul already, and we go out as the old knights of the Cross to redeem more. Like them we shall travel toward sunrise; and like them, if we fall, we fall in good cause

Dracula, Bram Stoker

Chapter 26 - Sucker Punches

"Seriously, Rose, I can't tell you how grateful I am." I set the small bag on the counter top in her new flat. "I am at a loss when buying this type of stuff."

"You never told me, what's the occasion?" Rose asked as she pulled a beer out of the refrigerator.

"Honestly? The accident made me appreciate how important it is not to take things for granted. We have a lot to celebrate; Edward's new job is going great; my advisor absolutely adored my dissertation; life is on track. I feel like I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel."

"Geez, talk about nothing short of an act of God to get you to buy lingerie." Rose took another sip of her beer, before grinning at me. "It has been an interesting year for you, hasn't it? If I told you last November when you walked out of Mike's apartment that you were going to turn your entire world on its head and meet the love of your life in London, what would you have said?"

"That you drank too much in college." I sat down at the kitchen table and bent my arms so that I could weave my hands together behind my head. "And there is an irony in me saying that, giving that you could argue that I've been acting like a loon since the accident. But it gave me the perspective I needed to finally cap this thing off. Can you believe that in just a few weeks this will all be over and I'll be done?"

Since my melt down at the library there had been a progressive thaw with Rose. I wouldn't say everything was at the 'forgive and forget' stage, but she was much too important to my life not to make an effort. Over the previous weeks we'd spent a lot of time on the phone, and had even gone out to dinner a few times. It gave us a chance to talk about the things that we should have, like our relationships with others, as well as with each other. Dare I say it; we were closer than we'd ever been.

Rose had spent a lot of time talking through her feelings for Emmett. Why she'd kept him at bay for so long. Her fear of commitment. Her need to feel safe and secure. It was strange to hear her describe the feelings that he brought out in her. It was unnerving to realize just how similar our situations were.

"It's funny, in some ways it feels like we were just freshmen. In other ways it feels like it's been eons." Rose took a sip from the bottle. "Do you feel like you are ready to go through your defense?"

Did I feel I was ready? How do I answer that question? I'd lived with this material for years, knew it backwards and forwards. Yet in the past few weeks, my ability to talk about it objectively seemed to be colored by something new, something different. It didn't change how I felt about my research; that was sound. It was more of an understanding of how to articulate my thoughts, to make my point.

I guess Edward was right, I really did need to understand the dynamics of passion, fear and loss to truly get the book.

Jasper had been fabulous over the last few weeks, putting me through the paces as I refined my presentation. He posed the hard questions, forcing me to poke holes in my outline and prepare my rebuttal questions. The first few times hadn't gone very well. I'd let Jasper bait me with some of his questions, popping off smart alec answers, and actually tearing up or losing my temper a few times.

I found myself getting easily frustrated. I wanted to be bold, put forward salacious comments and thoughts that would force the review panel to think. It was incredibly out of character. The old me would have delivered a smart, but lifeless presentation. No risk; but no fireworks either. It would have been absolutely passable, and totally vanilla. Just like Chicago Bella had been. But London Bella wanted the fireworks, to knock them dead. Unfortunately there is a risk with fireworks of getting burnt when lighting the wick.

But over the course of the past week, something started to change. My frustration and emotional volatility started to fade. It might have been because I was getting comfortable with the material. Or it could be that my body was finally finished healing.

Whatever it was, I was grateful for it. My last few dry runs had gone flawlessly. Jasper tried a few new tactics to get a rise out of me, but I'd parried them all with no problem. No shakes, no tears. I didn't even get mad. He even laughed and told me I was intimidating on our last run.

I'd learned something about myself in the past few months, and the accident had merely crystallized it. I'd let my guard down, and in doing so, found that letting loose that passion that Edward always talked about was a good thing. It gave more color and depth to the world. It also made me question a lot of the decisions I'd made in life.

"Rose, can I ask you a question?"

She frowned at my out of left field question, but nodded her head to proceed.

"How do you deal with your emotions when you are at work? Like when Emmett was getting to you early on, how did you not let it affect your performance?"

"Easy, Bella. I fucked him."

"I'm serious Rose, how did you…"

"I am serious, Bella. I fucked him. That night that I found him here with you, I got it out of my system. And whenever it started percolating, I'd get it out again. Was it the right way to handle it? Probably not. But it got us here, and even though bad things happened along the way, we are happy now."

"Somehow I don't think that will work well in the world of academia. You've seen Dr. Banner." I joked half heartedly.

"You're the opposite of me, Bella. You were always the controlled one. You never let things get too close to the surface. I do. We deal with things differently. You just need to learn how to strike a balance"

I nodded, acknowledging her words. "So is this it? You've kept Emmett around for a while now. Could this be it?"

She smiled, and bit her lip. It made her look like a little girl who was bursting at the seams to talk about a new friend. "Yeah. I think it might be. And more importantly, I think Emmett agrees. Funny how shit works out, isn't it? What about you? Are you happy?"

Her question was one that I'd been thinking about a lot over the past few days.

"I've come to realize that happiness is subjective. When I'm with Edward, it doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. But when I'm not…especially when I am working on my paper, I have moments where I start to worry. It almost feels like a panic

attack. I think it kind of goes with your comment about finding a balance. The two halves I have to balance don't seem to work well with each other."

"And what scares you the most about that? What are you afraid of?"

She'd always had a way of cutting to the quick of things, asking the honest question. I respected that about her.

"What am I afraid of? Honestly, I don't know. Part of me wishes that I'd never decided to get this damn doctorate. Lately it's felt like an albatross around my neck, and here I am at the eleventh hour questioning what I do with it. But at the same time, if I hadn't gone for my doctorate, would I be here?"

"That, my dear, is the million dollar question. I've posed it to myself multiple times. I haven't figured out an answer, but I can tell you that the end product is pretty damn good."

Rose grabbed a bag of chips out of the cabinet and pulled them open before tipping the bag towards me. I waved her off.

"So you have a defense date. Did you buy a ticket yet?"

"Yeah, I bought it this morning. I leave a week from Monday. I'm going to spend a few days with Angela before I do my final prep. Figure I'll be over there about two weeks."

"And then…" Rose was cut off buy a slam of a door.

"Hey Babe, I'm home," Emmett called out from the hallway.

"It's not your apartment you big oaf; it's mine. You don't get to call it home," Rose

retorted as I heard Emmett stomp through the flat towards the kitchen...

"Oh come on Rosie, you know…" He pulled up short in the doorway. "Oh, hey Bella. I didn't know you were here."

He crossed the room to give Rose a kiss. There was a low verbal exchange followed by a number of wet smacking noises. I studied the clock on the microwave, trying to tune out the things I didn't want or need to hear.

"Hey Bella, did you want to borrow that dress still?" Rose called over Emmett's shoulder.

"If I could, that would be great. I don't really have anything appropriate, you know?"

Rose laughed and pushed Emmett away. "Please, I know your clothing choices. Let me go get it."

Emmett retrieved the beer that Rose had abandoned and plopped down in the chair across from me, arms resting on the table.

"You look good, kiddo. Definitely a million times better than a month ago."

"It doesn't take much to look better than that, Em."

Taking a pull off the beer, he tipped the bottle at me. "Did I hear you say you bought a ticket home?"

"Yeah. It's time to go home and defend the masterpiece."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?"

The abrupt nature of Emmett's question caught me off guard. "What do you mean am I ready for that?"

"Well, you've been through a lot lately. I can't help but wonder…"

"What, Em? You of all people should know how important this is to me. I am going to cross this off, and then the sky's the limit."

"What difference is it going to make, Bella? Do you have a job lined up? Is this going to have that big of an impact on your future?"

"Emmett," Rose called from the kitchen door. "Back off. You don't know…"

"Come on, Rose. She was in a major accident six weeks ago. She has no business going halfway across the world by herself."

"What am I a goddamn child? Hello, I am sitting right here!" I waved my hand in the air. "It's not halfway around the world; it's the place I called home for the last nine years of my life. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself while I'm there."

"She's fine, Emmett." Rose handed me a bag and pulled me up out of my chair. "Ignore him. He means well, but sometimes his mouth doesn't connect to the brain filter."

She gave me a quick hug and led me to the front door. "Listen, I was supposed to go to Chicago in a few weeks. I may look into moving up it so I can be there to watch you light the world on fire. Plus, it would be fun to have a girl's weekend at Angela's. Think she would put me up too?"

"I'm sure she'd love that." I held up the bag. "Thanks for this. Hope I can channel you when I wear it."

"You'll be fine, and Edward won't know what hit him."

Rose closed the door, and I made my way out onto the street, looking for a cab.

"Hey, Bella! Don't forget this one!" Emmett called after me. I turned to see him running down the steps with the little bag I'd carried in earlier.

"Oh, thank you." I took the bag from him, embarrassed to think he might have peeked inside. I really didn't need a running commentary from Emmett on the contents of my underwear drawer.

"Listen, Bella. I don't mean to butt in, I just want to make sure that you are ready to go, you know?"

"I appreciate that, Emmett. I really do. But I am in a good place. I feel better about this than I have in ages. I want to get it done and move on, ya know?"

"Why? Why are you on such a mission?"

"Because for once, I feel like I know where I am going, and I am excited to get there. I am ready to see what comes next with my life. And the only way to do that is to finish this damn education of mine."

"Why?" His query wasn't cruel, more curious. "What difference will it make? Edward isn't going to feel any differently about you. It won't change who you are. Why is it such a big deal?"

"But Emmett, it will change who I am. No longer the student, now the professional. It opens up an entirely new world for me, including job opportunities in London. My bank account is about gone, and a nice viable job will go a long way to offsetting the cost of living in good old London town."

"Um, Bella, you are dating doctor who drives a car that costs more than the average American house. I bet he could help you out if you really needed money."

I cut him off, holding my hand up to end the conversation. "It's not that easy Emmett. Even if I was okay with accepting financial support, it doesn't change the fact that I can't stay on indefinitely without a visa. Dissertation equals job equals visa. Simple as that."

"What's the problem with accepting help? We are talking about Edward, not Mike."

"I know that, Emmett. He's the furthest thing from Mike."

He stepped forward, throwing an arm around my shoulder. "You know I love you, Bella. I just want you to be happy. And I'm afraid this isn't the silver bullet you think it is."

"Silver bullets are for werewolves Emmett. My dissertation is about vampires. Besides, I've invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in this, I can't quit now. " I punched him in the shoulder, trying to lighten the mood. "But if you are dead set on silver bullets, I can tell you where Rose hides hers."

Emmett frowned at me a moment, as if confused by my response. "I'm being serious Bella. You don't have to have all the answers. Work at Starbucks. Write a book. Train elephants. It's your call. Just don't expect a piece of paper to solve everything."

He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and then let out an ear piercing whistle. A cab screeched to a halt next to us. He opened the door and waited for me to climb in.

"Umm…Bella?" I looked up to a very sheepish expression on his face. "Listen, about, well…"

I had to laugh. I knew he couldn't resist. "Look for the Nike box in her closest."

The cab pulled away from the curb, leaving a dumbfounded Emmett in its wake. I would probably pay for that one, but hey, he deserved to get a little some tonight too.

I pulled my cell phone out of my bag and called up Edward's number. When he'd left for the hospital this morning, I'd given him a hard time about working on a Saturday, and made him promise that he would be home by five on the dot. I didn't like playing the guilt card, but I needed to do it to set his state of mind for the day.

I had two hours, just enough time to put the rest of my plan in motion. I tapped out a quick text and hit send.

I got you a surprise.

I waited a few minutes before sending another one.

It comes tied up in a pretty bow. But you have to be home by 5 to unwrap it.

Leaning back against the car seat, I smiled to myself. Turnabout is always fair play.

My phone chirped just as I was climbing out of the cab.

Cheeky. Do I get a hint, or should I let my imagination go?

I typed out one more message before putting my phone away.

Imagination would be good, but tongue and hands would be better. Ping me when you park the car.

Let him stew on that one.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon picking up and getting ready. By 4:45 I had everything in order. A bottle of wine was open and breathing on the table; I'd lit enough candles to start a small forest fire; and most importantly, I'd poured myself into the black wrap dress that Rose had lent me.

Edward wasn't going to know what hit him.

There was too much in life to be excited about, to celebrate. I didn't want to miss a single moment. Starting right now.

At five on the dot, a text came through from Edward.

In the parking lot. Do I get a hint? Maybe where you would like my tongue and hands?

My response was immediate.

Your hint is spontaneity. Get up here now.

I didn't get a reply,

A few minutes later, the door to the flat flew open.

"Where are you, Isabella?" Edward called. I heard the door click closed behind him.

"Do you think I am playing hide and go seek?" I stood in the living room, my hands clasped demurely behind my back

Dropping his bag in the hallway, Edward moved into the room slowly, eyes taking everything in before landing on me. His smile grew as he took in the dress, the bow knotted at my waist, the deadly high heels.

"I believe that I was taunted with a present to unwrap." He was close enough to reach out and tug on the loose knot of the dress. It gave easily, and I smiled as he stepped in closer, trailing his tongue up my neck. "And I have all kinds of ideas what to do with my hands and tongue."

"Welcome home," I whispered, untucking his shirt and working on the knot of his tie.

"What has gotten into you?" Edward laughed as I yanked the tie out of his collar and pulled open the rest of the buttons on his shirt. My hands dropped to his belt, popping it loose so that I could work on the button of his pants.

"Hopefully you." My heart felt like it was going to lurch out of my chest. I couldn't move fast enough. I pushed his pants and boxers down, using the toe of my pump to pull them down as my hands wandered across his body.

"Christ," he swore against my shoulder. His hands worked just as frantically, pulling loose the belt and slipping inside my dress. He tugged impatiently at the bit of black silk I'd bought earlier in the day, leaving me completely naked underneath. "You are an absolute vixen. Suggestive text messages, looking like something out of a fantasy…I can't wait see where you are taking this."

I let his hands roam as I shook myself free of my underwear. Then I slipped my hands in his hair, forcing him to move back up so that I could whisper in his ear.

"You know exactly where I am taking this. Shoes on or shoes off?" I didn't give him time to respond before running my tongue around the edge of his ear.

"Oh fuck me," he gasped. "On. Please."

"I think I can accommodate both of those requests." I pushed him backwards so that he dropped onto the couch. His hands shot out to steady himself before finding their way back inside my dress, which hung open limply. His fingers burnt a trail up the inside of my leg.

"Don't we need something first?" His breathing was ragged, and I could tell that it was a struggle to be practical, to think responsibly. That was what I had been hopping for.

I climbed into his lap, a knee resting on either side of his hips as I lowered myself down onto him.

"Not anymore." I moved slowly, letting my words sink in. "We can do this whenever and wherever the urge hits now. Do you know how much I like that idea?"

"Christ, Bella." His fingers dug into my hips, trying to increase the pace. "God you feel so good."

We continued to rock against each other as I whispered things in Edward's ear. How I'd fantasized about him all day, how much I wanted him. I was intentionally pushing him, trying to make him lose control. My intent was not purely sexual gratification. It was emotional too. I wanted to make him feel out of control and completely consumed. I wanted him to know how it felt.

"If you keep this up, I am not going to last much longer," Edward groaned in my ear.

"We've got the rest of the night to take our time." I leaned back so that I stare straight into Edward's eyes as I ground my hips in harder. "I don't want to take time right now."

His eyes fluttered closed in reaction, and his forehead dropped against mine.

"Fuck, Bella." His words were labored which sent a thrill of victory through me.

When our pace became irregular, and I could tell that Edward was nearing the end, I knotted my fingers in his hair and kissed his neck just below his ear.

"I love you. There's no one else for me, ever. Make me yours."

It was just enough to tip him over, and he let out a muffled groan against my shoulder. His arms were tight around my waist, and his breathing ragged. A small surge of power, followed by something more intense rippled through me. I did this to him. Only me.

He loved me.

I wanted to tell him I loved him again. I felt like I needed to repeat it over and over, that it could never be enough. Rose had been right earlier when she made the

comment about how my life had turned on its head. I'd come to London to find myself, but it hadn't been anything like what I had originally expected.

"So where is my surprise?" Edward queried as he nuzzled into my neck.

"Nice. Thank you."

"Mmm. I like your surprises. What's the occasion?"

"All kinds of them. Made me feel like celebrating, and this seemed like the perfect way."

Edward's fingers ghosted over my stomach, and he smiled as I drew in a sharp breath. "And the spontaneity thing? Something you weren't telling me?"

"That one I thought better to show you."

He hummed appreciatively as he kissed his way down my neck. "I'm not sure I got it. Think you can show me again? After I get some food that is, I am starving."

I laughed and stood, wrapping the dress back around me. "Do you have any idea where my underwear got to?"

He laughed and grabbed his pants from the discarded pile on the floor. "I have no clue, and I wouldn't tell you if I did."

Once we were semi dressed, we grabbed something to eat and settled back in on the couch.

"So spill it, what else are we celebrating beside the fact that we can have sex when and where ever the hell we like now?"

His fingers ran up my leg suggestively as he posed the question.

"Isn't that enough?"

"Of course it is, but you made it sound like there was more."

I stretched out, my legs bent over his lap so he could continue to tease his way along the inside of my thigh.

"All kinds of things. Your job. Me getting better. Us. The rave response on my dissertation. It's been a good couple of weeks."

I popped a grape in my mouth and continued on. "I feel like everything is finally coming together like I want it. Just a few more things to fall in place when I am in Chicago, and then it will be full steam ahead. I am good as new, hell, technically I am better. What was the line from The Six Million Dollar Man? We have the technology; we can make him faster….stronger. Did you put a chip in my brain while I was out? Something that gave me more confidence? Maybe a libido booster too?"

I felt so carefree, so happy with the moment, that Edward's reaction caught me completely off guard.

"What do you mean, when you are in Chicago?"

"When I give my defense, silly. I bought my ticket today. I told you I was doing that this morning before you left. I decided to go over a bit early, hang out with my friend Angela and take care of a few things. I think two weeks is more than enough time to get the green light on my presentation and get the paperwork in line for an employment visa so that I can come back for good."

Edward dropped his hand from my leg, and shifted on the couch so that he could look directly at me.

"What if I said that I didn't think you should go to Chicago? What if I told you there was a way for you to stay here, and you could delay your dissertation until you were really ready."

"Why delay it? I want to get this thing done and crossed off the list. I've been ready for years." I was confused. We'd talked about my dissertation enough for him to appreciate how important it was to me.

"You might have been before the accident, but you aren't now, Bella. Can't you see that? You are still running into things left and right and your emotions are still all over the map. Don't you think it would be better to take it easy, and maybe try to present in the fall when things are more balanced out. Maybe I could even come with you."

Sitting up, I shifted my legs off Edwards lap so that we were face to face.

"Edward, it's been a week since I had a melt down. Yeah, I still run into stuff, but emotionally I'm fine! But let's say, just for the sake of discussion, that I did wait, what would I do in the mean time? I am way too over educated for the jobs that I am qualified for, and it's hardly likely that I could get a teaching spot with just my masters. I've only got until the end of July before they kick me out because I don't have a visa, and the likelihood of me getting one while unemployed is zero to none. Getting this done is my best chance to be able to stay here permanently."

Edward grabbed my hand, pulling it into his lap. "Stay here with me. I can take care of you; lord knows I have more than enough money. I'll get you a ring so that we can say we are engaged. They won't make you leave for that. Then once you have your dissertation, you can find a job, and it will all fall into place."

His words were like a slap in the face. I don't know which stung more, his doubt in my ability, or his careless use of something that should mean so much more than my ability to gain resident alien status.

"You don't…" I struggled for words, trying to reconcile what he'd said versus what he meant.

"Think about it, it makes sense. You can stay here; you'll be fine for money, I'll take care of everything. You'll be ready by the time the fall comes around, and you can work on lining a job up in the process. You'll fly through the visa process at that point."

He'd obviously thought it all through. His logic was too clean, too organized. This must have been on his mind for a while.

The entire time he'd been encouraging and supporting me he'd doubted my ability to see things through. And he hadn't said a word.

It didn't escape me that his comment about an engagement had nothing to do with love and everything to do with legal status. We'd never discussed what either of us wanted long term, but knowing that he would use something so precious in such a cavalier way was far worse than his lack of faith in my abilities.

This I the type of thing I would have expected from Mike. Never from Edward.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." I pulled my hand free from his grasp. "It's nice that you think so highly of my work that you'll support me unconditionally. I don't want you to take care of me. I want to be your equal."

"Bella, come on, you are being irrational. This is about supporting you, and you are my equal. You just aren't ready yet. We all see it. You are so hell bent on pushing ahead that you are only going to make it worse."

I was about to launch on in his logic about making it worse, when his pronoun choice registered.

"We? Who is we?" I scrambled to process his words. "Have you been talking about me behind my back?"

He sighed and dropped his head against the back of the couch in frustration.

"Yes, Bella. I have. I spoke with Jasper and Emmett a few weeks ago. We're concerned, and I think it would be better if you wait for a while longer. Give yourself a little more time to heal, to get back to the old you. You're intellectually ready; I have no doubt of that. Your dissertation is brilliant. But you can't take the pressure now. We've all seen it. You need to wait."

"I thought that you of all people believed in me?" I couldn't bring my voice higher than a whisper. His doubt pulled everything down. All those words I'd read in his journal, all the things that he'd said to me over the past few weeks felt suddenly shallow. I'd trusted that the deceit, the half truths were behind us.

"Bella, I believe in you more than anyone! That's why I am doing this. My god, look at you, any little thing sets you off. How can I let you walk into the lion's den knowing that?"

"Doing what? Talking to Emmett and Jasper behind my back instead of talking to me? Coming up with some contrived engagement to keep me here? Not telling me what you really think?"

I rubbed my forehead, trying to get control over my anger and frustration. It would only give his argument more credibility. That might have been true even a week ago, but it wasn't now. I wasn't an emotional mess. I'd started pulling it together.

I was ready.

"Would you have listened? I'm not doing this to be cruel, Bella. I'm trying to protect you."

"You're not trying to protect me, Edward. If you were, then you'd know how much your bogus engagement would hurt. I thought you of all people would be honest with me and not handle me with kid gloves. This is the type of stuff I dealt with in my last relationship, and I'll be damned if I am going to go through it again."

Edward frowned, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

"My god, Bella, don't you see how volatile you are? I've watched you bumble along for weeks, waiting for you to get better. Every time you melt down I cringe, hoping that it will be the last time. I've never felt as helpless as I do when I see you cry."

"Edward, I haven't had an episode since a week ago Thursday. I know that you are concerned, but you aren't seeing the improvements. I am getting better. I can handle this. I need to do this."

Edward reached out to touch my cheek, but I pulled back, not trusting myself to stick with my resolve. A flicker of surprise, then anger darted across his face. "I am also cognizant of the fact that you were in a major accident just over a month ago. You are fragile, and I want to do everything I can to keep you from being hurt."

I stood, moving away from the couch. I needed to step away, to protect myself, to hide my humiliation. "What will I be to you then, Edward? A kept woman? You told me that you don't want to be a foregone conclusion. Well I don't either. I've already done that once in my life, and it sucked. So if you can't give me the real thing, then I don't want it. I finally believe in myself enough to know that I deserve better than that."

Edward leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he cradled his head in his hands.

"You know damn well that I don't throw the concept of engagement out lightly, Bella. I can't stand by and watch you destroy everything that you've worked so hard for, even if in your flawed logic it's a way to come back here. You aren't ready. I am also not willing to let you go, and this is the only way to make sure that you can stay. What else do you want me to say?"

"How about you love me and you want to marry me regardless of what happens? My god Edward if you are going to talk about proposals, then why not mean it? You can't spend weeks telling me how much you love me and then throw something as meaningful as marriage out like it's a toy to be reclaimed once I have another."

Edward shook his head, laughing bitterly. "You believe what you want, Bella. You know what the truth is. You just can't let go of this arbitrary hurdle that you've created for yourself. I don't care what happens with your dissertation. All I care about is you."

A slap across the face wouldn't have been as jarring.

"The truth? Where have you been truthful in this? Fake engagements? Talking behind my back? That's not honesty. That's not love. That's being selfish. Why didn't you tell me the truth instead of trying to lead me into the decision that you wanted? Why didn't you tell me you thought I wasn't ready?"

Edward stood and took two steps forward. I thought he was approaching me; instead he picked his shirt up off the ground and slipped his arms into the sleeves.

"I've tried to bring it up a million ways, but every time I tried, you were so hopeful, so idealistic about it all. I couldn't dash your hopes."

"So you chose to break my heart instead? Nice choice." My words were caustic, but I couldn't stop. I was so angry, so hurt at the game he was playing. A year ago I would have given in to whatever was wanted of me. But not now. "So Instead of 'trying to bring it up a million different ways,' why not flat out say that you were worried? I might not have liked it, but I would have at least listened! You didn't have to try and manipulate the situation because you thought I couldn't handle it!"

He studied me for a long minute. His expression was cold, no trace of the man I thought I knew.

"Fine, you want manipulation, you've got it. I told you if you left me again, I wouldn't wait. I mean that. I love you so much that I can't breathe sometimes. And I can't handle you leaving and not coming back. But I am an all or nothing type of guy. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it really is that simple. So if you go, go realizing that I won't be here waiting for you to come back. It's up to you to decide what you want, Bella. I tried to help you, but you obviously want to do things your way. I hope you are happy with your choices."

He grabbed his keys off the table, "I'll have you know that I would have married you in a heartbeat, visa or not. You know where I stand. The proverbial ball is in your court now."

The slam of the door behind marked the finality of his statement.

I sank to the floor, overwhelmed by sheer panic. What was I going to do? What had I done?

I could feel the anxiety pulling at me, threatening to suck me under. But I couldn't give in. I couldn't let it cause me to falter now. I wasn't the girl that needed to find edification in someone else to have an identity anymore. I needed to have faith in that, and in what I could be.

I sat in the dark for a long time, replaying the evening's events. From the moment Edward walked in the door to the click of it behind him on the way out. I tried to take out the emotion, to view the situation for what it was.

And I came to the realization that were damned if we did, damned if we didn't. We'd been dancing around this moment in one way or another for months. I thought we had put the ghosts to rest, but we hadn't. We were both still fighting our own personal demons, afraid of being something that we didn't want to be, all the while hoping that we wouldn't be left behind.

With everything we'd been through, we still hadn't learned. I may have resolved my insecurities, but I still hadn't truly stood on my own. Edward might have resolved his issues with the past, but he hadn't truly let go of his fears.

It led us both to doubt ourselves, which then projected onto each other.

That's when I knew what I had to do. There was a way to prove that I could stand on my own without him losing me. It didn't have to be an all or nothing proposition.

Taking a deep breath, I stood up and went into the bedroom. I threw clothing into a bag, making sure I had a few business appropriate outfits and my passport. Then I changed into jeans and a t-shirt.

Before leaving, I pulled a piece of paper out of my notebook and scribbled a quick note.

Changing my flight to leave in the next day or so. I'll be at Rose's until then working on my prep.

I still love you, but it doesn't change the fact that you are an asshole right now.

Bella

P.S. I refuse to accept your ultimatum

Taking one last look around the apartment, I registered his tie lying on the floor. I picked it up and stuffed it in my backpack. Something to take with me. A lifeline, a belt, a noose. A million and one uses.

And maybe a reason to come back.