A/N I'm so sorry for the long wait, and you guys have been awesomely patient! I've had shool projects breathing down the back of my neck, not to mention all the social angst too. God I hate school sometimes…
-Nightshade
I don't own CM!
Get Through
Chapter Thirty-Six
My mother's disappearance threw the apartment into a turmoil, with JJ pacing the floor nervously, muttering to herself, while Tegan went catatonic and rigid upon the couch, her fingernails digging into her knees.
"Sweetie?" I asked, rubbing her shoulder slightly, hoping to shake her from this trance-like state. She still stayed frozen in her position, silver eyes dull and unseeing as they stared dumbly at the hardwood floor.
"Mommy?" her delicate voice trickled upwards, barely reaching my ears. She was so weak, trapped within her own little world. JJ was still a mumbling mess, so I came to a decision. Tonight was a complete write-off. There was no way that we were going to jump right back into our normal nightly schedule.
"C'mon, come with me." I coaxed her into a standing position before guiding her over to my bedroom and tucking her in. I didn't bother putting her in pajamas, partly because she was so unresponsive, and partly because I was just as exhausted. She collapsed straight into the mattress, looking up at me with eyes so round that her irises looked like twin full moons.
"I'll be back, I promise." I reassured, going out to collect my frazzled girlfriend. Jennifer was just standing now, shaking her head ever so slightly with silent tears developing in her cerulean blues. As soon as I stepped within the three-foot radius around where she stood, JJ seemed to go boneless, throwing her arms around my neck and pulling me tightly to her.
"I'm sorry." She croaked softly, sniffling delicately and wrinkling her nose in a way that was both endearing and heartbreaking. I was shaking my head no as soon as the words appeared in her eyes, even before they were spoken aloud, denying them.
"No Jen, you don't have to apologize at all." She nuzzled closer into my neck, the skin there soon becoming slick with tears and moisture from her heavy, ragged breathing.
"I should have done something! I should have stood up and protected you, your honor or something like that. But she came in here and started saying all those things, and it just reminded me how you and Tegan are no more my family than a stranger on the street! You're risking so much, and i- I haven't told my parents, I should be doing more." Most of her proclamation was muddled by tears, but I understood the gist of it and I shook my head fondly.
"Jennifer, I don't need you to protect my honor for me, I'm a kick-ass FBI agent remember? Of course you're our family! I mean, there wasn't some stranger on the street just now keeping our daughter calm while they themselves were under a great deal of stress. It isn't some stranger who I share coffee with every morning, and kiss goodnight every evening. Or at least I hope it isn't because that would mean I'd be cheating on one of the best people to ever enter my life." I joked feebly, managing to coax a broken chuckle from her waterlogged throat before the blonde was back to her tender sobbing. With her face still resting upon my collarbone, she snuffled once more before shakily trying to wipe at her runny nose. I'm fairly certain she was getting snot on the shoulder of my shirt, but I really didn't care. Something about the delicate spider-web-like redness of her eyes, the tears clinging heavily like sun-ripened fruit to impossibly long flaxen lashes, the adorable redness about her nose, the touching manner in which her bottom lip trembled, overruled all that. She seemed so broken, yet impossibly perfect.
"And, if and when you choose to tell your parents, I will be right next to you the whole time," I interlaced our fingers upon instinct alone before continuing.
"Holding your hand just like this." I placed a kiss on her shaky, bone-white knuckles which grasped at my own, pressing my lips to each digit, before pressing them to my heart. She gave me the cutest teary smile before resuming with her sniffling. I chuckled under my breath before dragging a nearby tissue box closer and plucking one from the box with the tips of my fingers. JJ's one hand was still incredibly shaky, tentative to move from where it was fisted in the back of my shirt, and I refused to let go of the one I had pressed against my heart, so I took the clean white tissue and dabbed at her red little nose, before wiping the worst of the tear-smudged makeup from her cheeks.
"I must look like a mess." She announced, attempting to take the tissue from me before I denied her action, content to care for her for a little while longer.
"Doesn't matter. I love you Jennifer Jareau, despite all the mess, and the crying, and the snot-stains on my shirt." JJ's cheeks lit up bright red with embarrassment, but I ignored it, placing a kiss upon her now-dry nose, before snuggling her as tight as possible.
"I love you because of your adorable blushing, because you get yourself all panicked over whether you can call Tegan your daughter as well, because you are absolutely irresistible when your nose is all red, because you are so, so snuggly." I sighed into the tight embrace to prove my point.
"And because above all, you manage to put up with all my shit and still love me back." I stroked her golden hair, resting my chin atop her head and swaying us back and forth as if there was music to dance to. This is why I fought with my mother; this is why I told her in the first place. Because of this perfectly imperfect moment and the thousands more I anticipated us sharing. It wasn't even about sex or lust, it was just simply the feeling of having such a warm, comforting soul so close to myself, and the inability to ever let it go.
"Can we talk more tomorrow?" she asked, her words muffled because she was speaking with her head pressed against the top of my breast, her lips dancing over the fabric there as she spoke.
"Of course Jen." I affirmed, rubbing my hand up and down her back and secretly counting the vertebrae in her spine as I went. Each little part of her seems so magical, so delicate, so all-consuming that I could just spend the rest of the night memorising exactly how the dip and curve of her back felt beneath my fingertips. Of course, that'd be if I didn't have my daughter lying in wait for me.
"Hon, I put Tegan to sleep in our bed, she seemed pretty shaken up." I whispered against the shell of her ear, watching intently as a few loose strands of her hair moved with my breath. She nodded, completely understanding what I actually meant. 'Pretty shaken up' was our unspoken code for 'it's really bad'. I mean, I'd never seen her so unresponsive, so childlike… it was almost like she'd regressed within herself. It was almost scary. I walked, with JJ's head on my shoulder, into my bedroom. In the dim, milky light I could see that Tegan was asleep, or at least attempting it. Jennifer noticed this as well, before linking her arm in mine and dragging me off to the side in to the ensuite bathroom before I could comment.
"Uhm, Jayje?" I asked, whispering out of the worry that I might wake the sleeping girl in the other room.
"Sorry, I just feel disgusting from all the crying, and I wanted to ask you one last thing, and you have to promise me that you'll answer me." I nodded confusedly as I grabbed a washcloth out of the adjacent drawer and ran it under the cool water from the tap. JJ moved to grab the cloth from my hands, but I simply gestured for her to sit up on the countertop. She gave an impatient huff at my persistence. 'I'm not a child' screamed her body language protesting against my caring for her, although the warmth in her eyes and slack in her jaw told me otherwise.
"Okay, what is it?" I asked, stepping in between her knees to dab at the dried tears and mussed make-up upon her smooth, pink-tinted cheekbones. The muscles in her leg twitched and tensed beneath my resting hand as she loosely wrapped her legs around my waist, hooking her ankles together behind the small of my back, and effectively trapped me in place.
"No running?" she asked, flirty with an undertone of seriousness. For a second I was caught off-guard by the tightness of her toned thighs around my waist, before I managed to respond coherently.
"I can't very well run now can I?" I murmured, staring back into her eyes, mesmerized by the reflection of my own brown irises in her watery blue ones.
"I know that right now you're going to pretend you're okay, you feel like you need to stay strong for Tegan, and for me. But this is affecting you too. When you feel okay to admit that you aren't okay, tell me. Promise?" she stared at me earnestly, taking my hands in hers. A part of me wished she wasn't holding my hands, because I seriously just wanted to hug her right now. We had come so far, especially since a month or so ago I would have shut down, JJ would have gotten frustrated, and we would have fought. Perhaps talking wasn't so bad.
"I promise. Thank you for not pushing it though." I let my eyes flutter shut delicately, feeling her lips upon mine fleetingly. Her hand trailed up my neck, freeing one of mine to wrap around her waist. She grabbed the damp washcloth I'd abandoned, and guided it up to a spot below my jaw.
"There's some of my mascara on your jaw…" she trailed off, rubbing gently until the spot was cool and damp. A few seconds later I felt her warm lips in the same spot, forcing my calm breath to catch in my throat. Upon hearing it, the blonde gave an amused chuckle, moving her ministrations a little higher up on my jawbone.
"Jenn…" I groaned, pulling her closer to my body. The way my body so eagerly responded to her attentions only served to highlight the fact that we'd been so, so busy recently. A heady, open-mouthed kiss to my neck stalled my train of thoughts and caused my knees to go weak, nearly crashing myself into the cabinets had JJ not been there holding me up. The gentlest succession of nips and bites to the spot where my pulse hammered away caused my eyelids to flutter dreamily. Everything about the woman currently working miracles upon the column of my throat was so incredibly, overwhelmingly intoxicating that I had practically forgotten about the fiasco that had occurred mere hours ago. I didn't want to ever see my family, or go to work, or even leave this bathroom, because that meant ending this weirdly perfect moment. Of course there was still the matter that my daughter was sleeping in the next room. Jennifer pulled away slightly, admiring what I supposed was a series of hickeys from the angular point of my jawbone, down to the delicate curve of my collarbone. When her eyes flickered back up to mine I couldn't miss the fact that, through the curves of her long golden lashes, her pupils were blown wide, an ocean of sultry black rimmed by the slightest ring of smoky blue possible. I practically swooned at the sight.
"Jennifer… daughter in the other room…" I moaned breathily, practically able to taste the sweet scent of lavender shampoo from her silken hair, perfectly mingled with the inexpressible perfume of her skin. The haziness in my vision cleared as I looked at the stunning woman in front of me, hair ever so slightly mussed, cheeks flushed an adorable shade of pink, all soft curves and lean, toned muscle, eyes so full of love, with the slightest tinge of pain that only made the love more blatant. How did I ever get so lucky… she is the personification of the word perfect.
"Damn, I thought when they got to be a certain age they stopped impeding upon make-out sessions…" she grumbled, her raspy voice full of faux-frustration.
"No, because that's the age when they start having their own make-out sessions." I commented dryly, unable to repress the smile when I heard JJ growl protectively under her breath. In a split second she went from flirty and happy, to serious and protective. It was almost comical how quickly the 'Mama Bear' hat was put on.
"Tegan's not allowed to date until she's fifty. The second she brings a boy home I'm showing him my extensive collection of firearms, with emphasis on the fact that I never miss." She murmured, leaning forward and pressing her forehead against mine.
"You so quickly forget that Tegan's already had life experience." I responded, trying to find a way to sugar-coat her sketchy past. How does one say that their daughter used to make a living selling herself to the first man who can put cash down for a motel room?
"Plus, I don't think you have to worry about any boys" I emphasized, thinking back to the weird connection between Tegan and Poppy, and the fleeting kiss I almost caught under the mistletoe at Christmas. JJ's eyes went blank as she tried to follow what I was talking about, before it dawned on her.
"No… really? Poppy?" A flaxen eyebrow quirked skyward in confusion, but I only smirked knowingly in response.
"I'm not certain, but I have a feeling… they would be kind of cute together…" I trailed off. Poppy did seem to be a good influence for Tegan, despite the fact that they met in a psychiatric ward. Does it make me an unfit parent if I'm condoning the possibility of a relationship which started in a psych ward?
"Just because you're a profiler doesn't mean you have better gaydar than the rest of us." She kissed me briefly on the nose before sitting back contently. For someone who'd spent the last half hour sitting on a countertop she looked fairly comfortable.
"Does too." I chuckled at my immature comeback. Swiftly I swept JJ up into my arms, carrying her with her legs wrapped around my waist and her arms around my shoulders, before delicately setting her on the ground. After all, it was way, way past midnight, and I think we had work tomorrow. As soon as her feet touched the ground the petite blonde let out a wide yawn.
"C'mon sleepyhead." I pulled her against my side, stretching up on my tiptoes to press a kiss to the rumpled crown of blonde atop her head. Neither of us gave pajamas a second thought, simply collapsing against the wrinkled sheets as delicately as possible.
"Goodnight Jen." I whispered over my shoulder to where the other woman was spooning me, already snuggled in and comfy.
"Goodnight Em." She whispered back, kissing the nape of my neck softly.
"Night moms…" I heard Tegan groan sleepily as she rolled over, feigning frustration that we'd woken her up. Neither JJ or I could see, from the way she'd rolled over, that our daughter had fallen asleep with an indelible smile on her face, looking happier than she'd been in a long time.
A/N I apologize for any mistakes in here, as I was sort of rushed as I wrote it. I just couldn't wait to get it out there! And as always, reviews are incredibly appreciated! It only takes five or ten seconds to leave one, but reading them gives me a smile that lasts hours and hours…