Its Eyes Were Jewels

Chapter 35

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As way of disclaimer, I own none of Anne McCaffrey's characters nor do I own her world (though I sometimes wish I did), I'm simply borrowing them for the time being.

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Groaning, loudly, the brunette settled her forehead on the map before her. Z'den may have been among the smartest men she knew, and perhaps the most patient by far, but even he couldn't stop her from being so very unlearned. She spoke well enough, a skill cultivated by her father when he was still alive. A person needed to know how to talk in order to live, but she was a woman. What use had a woman for skills like reading maps when they'd soon be married to a man?

Of course it was her future husband's job to care for her, so she had no need for such knowledge. She knew the songs to teach her nieces and nephews, her future children. There was a very vague understanding of how to play the flute from her grandmother, taught to her when she was just a small child, before the woman died of age, and the skill went unpracticed. Everything was left to her brother's, until suddenly she was left to care for the Hold with Renzal and she received a crash course in rudimentary accounting. Elrenia was, for all intents and purposes, completely useless.

But the hand that descended upon her shoulder and squeezed gently told her that hope was not lost. Maybe the situation felt hopeless, but it wasn't. No. That was just her mind escaping to the dark place wherein it liked to stew. That was nonsense. If fire lizards could be taught to fetch items from other places, and carry letters, she could be taught to read a silly map!

"I think that's enough for today," the man murmured, carefully massaging the shoulder under his hand. "You've made progress."

"I did not," she mumbled into the map, refusing to so much as turn her head and look at him. Pouting was not attractive, and certainly not something that she often did, but on this occasion it felt appropriate.

And hard to avoid when a heavy chuckle filtered from above her. It was only natural that Z'den was highly amused by her failure, but even if she smiled a little at the sound of his laugh, she sighed in self loathing.

"It shouldn't be possible for a girl to be so useless."

Shooting up as a sharp pain flashed from the lobe of her ear to the tips of her toes, Elrenia turned sharply to look at the man, hand still position to flick her. Answering her outraged look with a glare of his own, the blonde murmured, "I won't have you talking like that anymore."

"But it's true."

"What's true?"

"I'm…" Why did she have to have this conversation? Why did Z'den have to make her say it? Why was she unable to fight him on this? She wasn't so weak, was she? His word was not law to her! It never had been, and it wasn't going to be now. But as he continued to look closely at her, the truth spilled from her lips fervently. "By the Egg, I'm useless."

Once more, the man reached out and sharply flicked her ear, not so much as grinning at her yelp though his eyes sparkled. "Bitran odds I have more flicks in my fingers than you've got self deprecating thoughts in your head."

Ignoring the poorly veiled threat of more ear flicks, Elrenia muttered, "That hurt, Z'den!" through clenched teeth.

"And it'll keep hurting for a good long time if you don't start listening to me," the man warned, staring straight into Elrenia's eyes as he lowered himself to kneel before her. The way he moved, trapping her eyes with his own, was almost captivating. About as much as it was confusing. Why was he lowering himself to her? Why in the world was he putting himself on the same level? When he was finally exactly at eye level with the girl, the man reached out to grab her hands and asked, "How have you not figured this out yet? You're about as far from useless as a person can be, Elrenia. I promise you that."

"What, because I watch the children?" she snorted, pulling her hands from his grip as she crossed her arms indolently. "Bribe any of the Weyrlings properly and they'll do a much better job than I ever could. At least they could engage the kids in a proper conversation about dragons. I only know what I've gleaned from you, and Mirah, and H'val."

"And your lessons," Z'den reminded her, stroking the top of her head carefully. "Or have you forgotten that you're the best student among your current candidacy?"

"I'm not. Sarafina is."

"Not according to T'mar."

"T'mar's spoken to you of me?"

"Of course," the man said with a shrug, apparently unconcerned to have been found gossiping about the woman. "We're both your teachers. We discuss our students."

Not entirely sure what to say to this, Elrenia uncrossed her arms and sighed. They were just discussing a student? Somehow that didn't seem quite as likely as them discussing her. Elrenia. The girl Koth and H'val picked up off of the leading edge. The girl from the destroyed Cothold. The girl that somehow forged a place in the Weyr—something that even she couldn't deny, even with bouts of insecurity.

"And what do you say?"

Green eyes widened out of their usual slits just momentarily, giving away Z'den discomfort about the subject. For a moment it seemed like he was frozen by her question, but he moved back and away suddenly, prompting the girl to reach out and grab his arms.

"Tell me."

"Nothing. Elrenia we—"

"Tell me what you talk about."

"I'd rather not."

"If you run away from things every time you're bothered, or embarrassed, or upset then you'll do nothing but retreat."

Lips, pulled thin, curled slightly at the corner as Z'den stopped resisting her grip, shaking his head. "I'm not retreating from your question so much as trying to… protect you from the answer."

Gut twisting violently at this, Elrenia forced herself to shake her head. "I can handle it." Almost as an afterthought she murmured, "Stop trying to protect me."

Examining her face for a very long moment, Z'den leaned his arms against her knees and peered up into Elrenia's eyes. "We… sometimes… Oh the moment for my father's words to leave me is not now."

"Just say it."

'"We…"

"Z'den!" Almost scolding, she absently brushed a clump of hair out of his eyes. "Stop trying to be so gentle. I'm not going to shatter."

So, in a rush he admitted, "We discuss the circumstances you escaped from."

Regretting, very suddenly, the decision to ask the question that she had, Elrenia just stared. What was there to discuss? They knew her Hold was destroyed. They knew a neighbor destroyed it, and he killed her family. They knew this hurt her, deeply. And, moreover, it was common knowledge that she was seeking justice.

"Oh?" is what finally escaped her shock parted lips. "And… why in the world would you discuss that?"

"Because there's more to it than just that."

Heart jumping immediately to her throat, Elrenia didn't know what to do. Escape was at the forefront of her mind, but no. No, that wouldn't work. She… she couldn't. She… Z'den was right. If she ran way every single time something upset her, then she'd spend her life retreating. There was no place safer for her than in the presence of this man, except maybe behind a righteously angry Lessa. She trusted Z'den. She… this was a conversation that she needed to have then.

Before she could respond to his comment though, he was speaking again, "There's something missing and… we've been trying to figure it out."

"What is missing?"

"Motive."

"Z'den?"

"Why did he do it?" the man asked, removing his arms from her knees to move and sit in a chair of his own. "You keep saying he didn't do it for your land, because it was mostly barren from an infestation, right?"

"Yes."

"So then why? You can't have had much money."

"I… didn't."

"Was he an especially cruel man?"

"I… I… well…"

"And he killed your entire family as well. A man does not do something like this on a whim. He planned it out, and… why?"

Voice little more than a breath, Elrenia said, "I… don't know."

The look in Z'den's suddenly narrowed eyes told her quite clearly that he didn't believe her, but he didn't speak a word of it. Not directly. Instead he gazed past her head, and absently asked, "Why would he do something so… premeditated?"

A hole in her story that Elrenia never really noticed before. She'd never bothered… because if she did try to explain then… they… she couldn't… Turning to the side, the girl was only able to gaze off for a moment before her chin was taken between Z'den's fingers. Almost tenderly he turned he to face him again, not saying a word as he watched her eyes.

The eyes, she'd once been told, could reveal a person's deepest secrets if watched closely enough. They were windows deep into the mind, into a person's very being, and maybe it was this that made her avert her eyes even if she couldn't move her head. She didn't need Z'den knowing exactly what was in her mind, tainting, festering, devouring. He didn't need to know, no matter how much he seemed to long for the knowledge.

"Elrenia?"

"Can I go, please?"

"Not until you look at me."

An impossible request, and the man knew it. Though she tried to lift her eyes to him, the girl simply couldn't make eye contact. Fearful that the moment their gaze's met he would know, the girl settled on staring somewhere between his eyes and chin, not quite on his nose but thereabout. His skin looked as rough as his voice sounded, wind worn and tired. This was a man who had lived a good many long nights, and would likely live a good many more. A man of strength. A man of rough kindness. A good man, if ever there had been one. But she couldn't meet his eyes.

Another moment past with the man staring at her before he nodded his head. "Go, child," he murmured. "I don't have any reason to keep you."

It almost felt as though she'd cheated, but she rose from the seat and escaped the room without another word. Needing to breathe, she climbed the corridors higher, trying to find an empty ledge where no one would find her so she could think. There were so many things to think about.

Who else pondered her situation? Was it just Z'den and T'mar, worried about a girl they were training? Was it H'val and Mirah whispering behind her back without meaning insult? Was it the Weyrleader and his woman, wondering what the girl they'd taken in wasn't telling her? Robinton, Masterharper of Pern, did he ponder these things too?

It bothered her to think that her situation was at the front of people's minds. Important enough to garner gossip, no less. Never had she intended to make a spectacle of herself. But when one wakes up screaming in the middle of the night it stops being an option.

Had her behavior been so questionable, since arriving? She'd been sick for so long when she first arrived, feet bloodied from her travels, bruises fresh and painful. Gossip was only natural then, as there were reasons to be worried. When Rilow showed up with bad news and her story became public, it was only natural. But now? What was the reason?

Hearing movement, Elrenia paused in her upward trek. Quieting her mind enough to listen, she was almost startled to hear the painful, hitching sound of someone sobbing. A girl. Not a particularly old one if the pitch meant anything, but still too old to be one of her kids. A woman was crying out on the nearby ledge, and she could do nothing to stop herself from investigating.

Moving silently toward the noise, trying her best to see whom it was so that she could decide who was best to handle things, she only saw a curled form. Slight arms were wrapped over her head, fingers digging into waves of hair that seemed so familiar. Legs curled tightly beside her only helped to make the girl look even smaller, trembling like a frightened child as she tried to keep her sorrow to herself.

Taking a step to the side, to try to see the woman's profile, Elrenia felt her breath catch in her throat when finally her mind made a connection. The thin arms, and long luscious waves of silky hair. The elegant legs. The careful posture. An apparent disposition entirely different from the one she was used to. Surely she was mistaken. This wasn't crying. This girl—this woman was not upset and hiding. There was simply no possible way!

Oh, how she wanted to ignore the girl. In fact, she almost walked away. But there was just the slightest sniffle, and she knew, just knew that Farraline was crying. Really, it shouldn't have bothered her. The girl was a horrid little brat. She didn't care about anyone but herself, and that much was clear! But… the girl didn't even know that Elrenia was there, and she was burrowing her face deeper into the folds of her skirt, mewling pitifully.

Taking another silent step forward, the brunette breathed, "Farraline?"

Immediately the girl shot to her feet, wiping her eyes and turning to poke her nose up at Elrenia all as she muttered, "What do you want?" in her foulest tone. But it couldn't hide the rasp of the heavy sobbing that Elrenia had stumbled upon.

How exactly was she meant to react to an enemy of sorts sobbing like a small child? Part of her wanted to gloat, wanted to hold the weakness high above Farraline's head, but that was hardly fair. She broke down in tears far more often than she cared to admit, but unlike the poor Holderbrat, people cared when she was upset. The dark haired girl didn't, and when she rolled her eyes and turned toward the sun, it was like she was wearing a bloody crown.

"You're a redhead," Elrenia murmured for lack of anything better to say, moving to stand right beside the startled girl.

"I… am. Why do you care?"

"It's… a very pretty color."

"It… it's what?" Looking over at the brunette, Farraline looked thoroughly shocked.

But Elrenia didn't so much as acknowledge the look, staring off at the sky. "Like the color of the sun right as it sinks below the horizon on a stormy night." She didn't mock the shock, didn't care that the girl was shocked. She hadn't expected to have this conversation when she went to investigate the crying either.

"Do you… think I'm pretty?" the girl asked, trying to force her normal regal haughtiness into her tone, but couldn't.

"Very." There was no point in lying. Farraline was a beautiful young woman, that's just how it was. The sound the girls foot scraping against the stone floor made Elrenia glance toward her, wary of another physical attack. But Farraline had merely moved to face Elrenia just a little more.

"R-really? You think I'm pretty?"

"What I think doesn't matter to you," Elrenia spoke not unkindly, just pointing out a fact. "Why are you asking?"

"I…" The girls pale face flushed deeply as she looked back across the skyline, away from Elrenia's seeking eyes. "No one calls me pretty here."

"No one ever calls me pretty anywhere."

"H'val calls you pretty," Farraline almost snapped a moment later, eyes suddenly filled with tears again. Elrenia wasn't sure what to do when the girl turned to face her fully and said, "And so does Mirah. And Brekke. And Manora. And Red and Plamer and all of the rest of those silly little boys. And F'nor. And Z'den—"

"Z'den thinks I'm pretty?"

"—and just about everyone! They all call you pretty, and no one even looks at me!" The girl was crying now, hands shaking at her sides as she shouted. "Everyone likes you, and they all hate me, and I…"

Something about the girl's trembling forced Elrenia to ask, "You what?"

Expecting something silly, something frivolous that she would have to force herself not to laugh at, Elrenia was astonished to hear the girl wail, "I want my father!"

Of all the things the pompous little Holdebrat could have asked for, her pompous little Holder father was not what Elrenia expected to hear. And as the girl buried her face in her hands to cry some more, Elrenia could almost feel bad for her. No. She did feel bad for the girl, and wrapped a cautious arm around her shoulder, leading her to sit on the ledge.

Several moments were spent just attempting to calm Farraline down. For the first time she resembled an actual human being to Elrenia, as she wiped snot and other unmentionable fluids on her sleeves, ashamed to be doing so. Her eyes were red with the force of her homesickness, and the brunette wasn't sure what to do.

"You'll see him soon," she promised. "He's coming up for the Hatching, right? That's in less than a month, now!"

"He's not!"

Shocked, she just stared for a moment. Then, "What?"

"He's not coming."

"Why not?"

"He… we… I… how? How can he come up here? He can't spare the runners, and… he's not coming."

"What do you mean he can't spare the runners?"

"We need them for the fields. He can't just take one to come up to Benden. Do you know how long that would take? How far behind on harvest that would put him? We're not even done with harvest yet because I got searched! And… and… and—"

"Slow down, sweetling," Elrenia urged, squeezing the girl's arm gently. She didn't understand what she was being told. Farraline came from a large Hold. Her father should have been able to afford to hire people to carry him up to Benden if he wanted to! A runner shouldn't have been a problem. "I don't understand."

"Usually I handle the numbers, because he's never been very good at keeping stock of what we have, but I'm not there to do it. It goes so much more slowly when he has to do it himself."

"Doesn't he… you're good at math?"

"Of course!" that was Farraline honestly insulted. "What do you take me for? A dimglow?"

"No, I—"

"Who can't do math? They teach you the basic stuff along with the songs. Didn't you learn?"

"No."

Pausing, Farraline actually looked at Elrenia. "What?"

"We… never had Harpers. Just what my mother could teach us. We… were never formally taught anything."

"I…"

Trying desperately to take the attention off of herself, Elrenia asked suddenly, "So, why can't your dad come?"

"We don't have the means to bring him up here. Let alone my sisters, and my father's wife."

"One of the rider's will pick them up—"

"They all hate me!"

"And whose fault is that?" Sighing at the way Farraline flinched at the accusation, Elrenia pinched her own arm. "That was cruel. I'm… sorry. But… you can't exactly tell me you've been the picture of innocence since you arrived."

"I… know."

"So… you don't come from a big Hold?"

"I never actually said I did."

"What?"

"I…" The girl sighed and slumped forward slightly, biting her lip. "My father's wife told me I could reinvent myself when I came here. People will decide things for themselves depending on how you hold yourself. So I… held myself like I was important."

"Oh, Farraline…"

"I just wanted people to treat me well, you know? You always here about silly little Holder girls coming to the Weyr and finding themselves in the caverns, doing drudge work and… I… I want something better. Father always said that even if I couldn't make anything of myself I could marry well because I'm so beautiful. And then the Dragonmen came and searched me and I… Lessa was a Ruathan Goddess, and… and… The dragons don't want commoners!"

"Mirah was a commoner."

"No she wasn't."

"Yes she was, she grew up in the Hold her father worked in, sharing a room with a friend of hers."

"I… that doesn't prove—"

"Brekke was a commoner too."

"What?"

"Craftborn, I think."

"But she doesn't have a dragon!"

"Her name was Wirenth. She died during her first flight."

"Oh my… I…"

"I know. Now hush. Someone will go pick up your family."

"But they won't."

"H'val will."

"He hates me."

"I'll ask him to, personally."

"But isn't he picking up your family?"

Cringing just slightly at the question, Elrenia thought she may have understood exactly how Z'den felt when she asked about his parents. So, bluntly, she admitted, "They're all dead. You don't have to apologize for it. I'd prefer not to talk about it right now."

The redhead stared at her then. Just stared. Didn't say a word, didn't move a muscle. That is until she leaned into Elrenia's side. "I'm sorry…"

"I told you not to—"

"For… me. For… I'm… I… don't even deserve a Queen."

"No, you don't." Farraline flinched. "But you're a little bit closer now than you were yesterday."

Silence surrounded the girls then, but neither seemed to mind. They sat there, content to contemplate their individual situations. Elrenia wasn't entirely sure how she felt about everything she just heard. It… wasn't what she expected, at all. Farraline's bad attitude was just her constantly adapting to the way that people perceived her? She supposed it was a sort of talent, even if it was ill used in this case. It was interesting, if it was nothing else. The problem was whether or not they could fix all the damage that had been done.

Part of her didn't think that they could. For so long Farraline had been treating everyone like subordinates, like drudges. She'd hurled horrible insults, and fought, and broken spirits. There was no way the blame for this could be shifted, but… maybe it wasn't irreparable. The first step was learning the truth, and she knew it.

"Dinner will be served soon," she warned the redhead.

"I know."

"Shall we…"

"You don't mind walking with me?"

"Of course not. Come on, my weyr is close, you can wash up there."

"Thank you."

It was a relatively quick walk to her chambers, and Farraline looked thoroughly pleased to clean herself up. She took her time, calling out to apologize when Elrenia asked jokingly if she'd gotten herself lost. The girl's voice was much softer than usual. An unusually airy quality to it, that Elrenia wasn't sure how to react to.

This wasn't how she'd expected an intrusive conversation with Farraline to end. Still there was no love lost on this girl, but somehow she didn't seem to bad anymore. Misguided and foolish. A deadglow if ever there was one, for setting herself up for disaster the way she had. But when she exited the bathing chamber, and smiled weakly at the brunette waiting on her, there was a flicker of sympathy for her deep within the Cotholder's heart.

"Come now," Elrenia urged, waving Farraline to follow her from the weyr. "I'm absolutely starved. I skipped lunch."

"Me too."

The silence that descended was almost companionable, as Elrenia ignored the looks they were getting from the Weyrfolk they past. The confused whispers that followed them on their way to eat. There was nothing left to say, although a sort of understanding had been reached. And they stopped, in unison, in the empty hallway just outside of the dining hall.

"Elrenia?" the girl murmured, voice barely audible above the noise coming from the room before them. "Can you not… you know… what I said…"

"Your secret is safe with me."

"Thank you."

"But Farraline?"

"Yes?"

"It's never too late to make friends."

And Elrenia couldn't help but notice, at the far table in the corner of the hall where Farraline usually sat with her lackeys, the redhead actually smiled and asked Estra and Navine to sit with her. Maybe it wasn't much, but it was a start.