Lyrics: Amy Helmuth - You're Near
A little longer chapter this time! And today is Midsummer in Sweden - June 25th. It is also a year since Farrah Fawcett passed away, the wonderful golden hair goddess who we will all remember for eternity. So, this chapter is absolutely dedicated to our wonderful resting Angel, who, as the legend she is, will never be forgotten.
Chapter 33 – Emotions
Kelly was holding Ella in one hand and Aurore was holding Sarah's hand as the four of them walked up towards the chapel. All four of them were traditionally dressed in black dresses, Sarah holding onto Ella's tattered rag doll Holly under her arm. The sky above them were covered in massive dark clouds filled with water, hanging ponderously above the crowd of people that had gathered up outside the chapel this early morning. There were a lot of people present already, waiting outside the large wooden doors to the chapel where Jenny's ceremony would be held. Some of them were holding umbrellas in their hands, prepared for the sky to start crying along with the rest of them.
The mood among the people were just as desolate and depressed as the crowd that awkwardly greeted each other, some of them had never met before and some hadn't seen each others in years. No matter how long it had been or if they were complete strangers, they all had the sorrow in common, the sorrow of losing a wonderful and dear friend or coworker. She had been a great woman and they all knew it would take a long time before her name fell off their lips. Jacali "Jenny" Craig would forever remain in their memories and their hearts.
Kelly saw Sabrina stand next to three older people , and Kelly decided to join them.
"Oh hi." Sabrina smiled tiredly. Kelly could see that her friend was exhausted, and she understood that planning one of your closest friend's funerals was probably excruciatingly draining, no matter how strong of a person you are. Sabrina took a breath before introducing them to each other. "Kelly, Aurore, this is Jenny's uncle Etu and his wife Rozene, they are the ones who raised her. Kelly, you know my dad. Etu, Rozene, this is Kelly Garrett, she worked a lot with Jacali and she's the one who got her to this town, and this is Aurore, and then we have Kelly's daughters Ella and Sarah."
Kelly smiled as Sabrina introduced everyone, leaving out the relationship between Kelly and Aurore. Kelly shook hands with Etu and Rozene, then got a hug from Sabrina's father. He had come to town the day before, to join his daughter and keep her company, and he knew Jenny from the times Sabrina and Jenny were best friends.
"Hello, it's an honor to meet the ones who brought Jenny up. She was a wonderful girl and I'm so sorry it ended this way, I wish it hadn't had to come to this. She was a great coworker and most of all a fantastic friend. I miss her a lot, she was a joy to have around and there will definitely be a void at work from now on. I'm so very sorry for your loss."
"Thanks." Etu smiled gratefully for the support. His wife had not been able to conceive, and when Jenny's parents had died when she was just 5 years old in a tragic car accident, they had taken Jenny as their own, raised her as their daughter. They had not seen much of each other the last couple of years, but kept contact through phones and letters. "Jacali spoke often about you, she was very fond of working together with you. She said you took her under your wings and she felt safe around you. I wish for nothing more."
Kelly smiled, feeling the tears burn in her sockets. Things would definitely be different without Jenny. For sure.
Within a short amount of time, pretty much everyone had gathered up outside the chapel – Janet and Sandra, Kris in the wheelchair, Tommy, Jill and Damien, Bosley, Tiffany, Julie and Peter. They were not alone though, there was plenty of other people there too, some that Kelly recognized, some that they had never seen before. One of the people who stood out from the crowd as someone that Kelly did recognize was Kino, Jenny's ex fiancé.
Kelly and Aurore looked over her shoulders as she saw Kamili in the corner of her eye, walking slowly as she was being steadied by her husband's strong arms. Tara was walking next to them, holding onto Yasmin's hand. The four of them walked up to the gang outside the chapel and Aurore, being a long time friend with Kamili, wrapped her arm around Kamili's free side.
"It's so great to see you up from bed. How are you feeling?"
"I'll be okay." Kamili smiled weakly, out of breath just by the short walk from the car. "Just… taking it easy."
"She's doing great." Tara smiled to Kelly and Aurore, who looked up at her and smiled gratefully, happy that Kamili was on her way to recovery, in the same time as the big doors to the chapel was opened by a priest dressed in black clerical clothing.
Not a minute too soon - just as they began walking inside, the sky opened up, big drops falling towards the ground, impossible to dodge. Everyone hurried inside best they could, and spread out among the wooden benches where Bibles were placed out in front of them. Their eyes were all looking at the white closed casket in front of all the benches, surrounded in more flowers that anyone could possibly count. Kelly saw the big flower arrangement she and Aurore had bought together, with red and yellow flowers. Ella and Sarah had both made drawings to Jenny, and Kelly had given them to the people in charge of the funeral, and she saw the drawings now neatly placed out next to the casket.
.
I promised I wouldn't cry
Knowing you lost your life;
Far too young and without a say,
So I sit here to sing and pray.
.
The priest spoke, but Kelly didn't listen to what he said. Her thoughts were lost on all the memories she had with Jenny, all cases they had worked on together, especially the first case far away in Boulder's Creek. Jenny had been such a tough chick, but away then, she had been so unsure with herself, worried and insecure. She knew herself as a reporter, as a journalist and as a writer, she knew how to get information and she had been amazing at getting research for both Kelly and the FBI, and they all knew she would be so hard to replace. Back then, she had been good at her job too, but she had been mixed up with her fiancé's troubles and Kelly remembered so well how Sabrina had arrived with Jenny on the doorstep. Jenny had been so guilty for pulling them into her trouble, but Kelly had been happy that she did - they had grown to become great friends and later a hell of a team at work.
But mostly, Kelly had seen Jenny as a girl that needed to be taught and Kelly had done just that, taught her everything she knew and helped Jenny with all her problems and answered all her questions. She was definitely going to be missed, all the late nights they had spent talking or the too long lunches during work hours. Discussing cases and research and just watching and complaining at how the baddies and every day heroes in the old movies 'wouldn't have survived that if it were real'. Kelly certainly missed having her around, spreading joy and awesomeness throughout the offices.
It's so hard to see
This life pass right in front of me.
I look all around and see sad tears,
But inside I know you're near.
I will make you proud.
.
The priest sang. They all sang. Kelly sang too, even though she never really got what she was singing. She wasn't comprehending, her brain wasn't present at the moment, her mouth sang by itself, her tongue creating sound without her telling it too. It was just following and imitating what the people around her was doing. She didn't have to think about it. The nuns had thought her this psalm just like many others, and her brain knew the words.
She was thinking of how anxious and hesitant Jenny had been at her own abilities to work for the FBI and she remembered how worried she had been about not doing a good impression at Zeke. Jenny had even knocked Kelly's door late one evening and they had ended up talking for hours with a glass of wine in their hands and a deck of cards on the table. Jenny had told Kelly about how worried she was over this new job, she wanted to kick ass and she was so worried that Zeke wouldn't like her and fire her.
Right now, that would've been a good thing, and Kelly swallowed hard how she had pushed Jenny to keep going, to keep working for Zeke. How he would warm up to her and she would like working there.
Instead he had brutally murdered her. In cold blood he had just caved her head in.
.
You'll look down on me and smile.
And I still see your face in the clouds
Every once in a while.
It's so hard to see
This life pass right in front of me.
.
Kelly sat staring right forwards into the wall behind the casket. The high wall was painted with a crystal white background, then with several images painted over the wall. A river flowing, green trees, children playing. On one of the clouds in the sky on the wall was three angels dressed in white observing everything going on underneath them.
Kelly never tried to stop the tears as they began falling. She stared right towards the wall, lost in her own thoughts as tears spilled from her eyes, streaming down her face, leaving her cheeks wet. Kelly remembered all the times she had been talking to Jenny, all the times she had pushed her to keep going when she wasn't sure if this job was for her. Kelly had told her she was great at it, and losing Jenny would be a big loss to the teams.
Kelly knew she had pushed Jenny to keep working for Zeke. And that had become her death. If she hadn't pushed her to keep working, Jenny would probably have quit her job and done something else. Maybe she wouldn't have been killed. Maybe she would still be alive. Maybe... Maybe...
.
I look all around and see sad tears,
But inside I know you're near.
I watch the stars every night;
Watching as they shine so bright.
I named one after you;
J'aime mon etoille beaucoup.
.
Kelly knew that she would not feel better if she kept going over things like this, it would not bring Jenny back and it would not make anything better, but she couldn't help it. Zeke was dead and she had gotten her revenge. It was over and she knew that, but the angst was eating her up from deep within and she couldn't help but to blame herself for Jenny's death. There was an endless stream of tears that were flowing from her eyes as the angst was bubbling in her heart, and she didn't even try to stop them. She wasn't aware of the people around her until she felt someone nudge her arm, yanking at her dress. Looking down, she saw the big brown eyes of her daughter look back up at her. Ella clung to her arm, staring at her mother's face, not really understanding what had happened nor what was going on. All she understood was that her mother was really upset, and she didn't want her to be.
As Kelly looked down at Ella, she gave her a little smile as she pulled her hand over her hair. Ella didn't believe her mother's smile for a second though and instead she climbing up into her lap, wrapping her arms around Kelly's neck. Kelly hugged her back, grateful for the support and comfort, and she held her oldest daughter tightly as she cried into her shoulder and the brown curls.
"Don't cry mommy." Ella whispered, making Kelly cry out even more, resulting in Ella holding onto her even tighter.
This month had been a roller coaster ride, and she couldn't believe all that had happened. It felt like a horrible and twisted nightmare that she just couldn't wake up from. Everything was so wrong. So very, very wrong. She felt drained and exhausted. Her injuries had healed for the better even though the hip still complained, but she knew she was lucky to even be alive. Everything could've been so much worse, but Kelly knew that even though most of the people closest to her was still alive and recovering, the losses had been devastating.
.
It's so hard to see
This life pass right in front of me.
I look all around and see sad tears,
But inside I know you're near.
I look all around and see sad tears,
But inside I know you're near.
.
As the priest got quiet, everyone begun making their way up to the casket to leave flowers on top of it. Ella climbed up into Kris' lap as Kelly pushed the wheelchair, followed by Tommy, Aurore and Sarah. The twins were staying home with Tommy's parents, which had seemed as the most logical choice. Kelly pushed Kris and Ella up to the casket, where they all dropped off their flowers, sending a small thought to Jenny as they placed the red roses onto the top of the white wooden casket. Kelly could hear and see that Kris were crying too – there wasn't many dry faces in this small chapel.
Jacali Craig had been and was still very loved, both in her life and after it.
"Ella, I told you not to eat all that!" Aurore laughed, still with some motherly seriousness in her voice. Ella looked up at her and put on the best pair of puppy eyes she had in her.
"I… didn't… eat… it." Ella said, trying to swallow down all the dough she had in her mouth. She knew she was busted, her mouth was filled with dough and she had flour all around her mouth and on top of her nose. Her master plan of stealing the cookie dough had failed.
"Puppy eyes don't work on me Ella, you know that." Aurore laughed as she handed Ella a towel to wipe off her face with. Ella sighed loudly as she took the towel from Aurore, wiping her face off as she swallowed the last of the dough.
"I see if mommy wants bake too!" Sarah smiled, grabbing an already finished cookie and rushed out of the room. Aurore smiled at the youngest as she left, before turning around to see Ella grab a cookie when she wasn't looking.
"Ella!"
Sarah walked out into the living room, but got stuck in the door frame as she saw her mother sitting in the couch, staring into the wall. She was sitting by the television, but the set was not turned on. Silent tears were streaming down Kelly's face as she seemed lost in trance, and Sarah didn't know if she should go there or back. Deciding to go back, she did walk back into the kitchen, and Aurore looked up at her as she saw the sadness in the girl's eyes.
"What is it Sarah?"
"Mommy sad."
Aurore looked out through the door, not being able to see Kelly from that angle, but still looking, before Sarah walked up to her. Sarah climbed up onto the counter again with help from the chair, and she sat on the edge with her legs dangling.
"Hm? Why do you think that?" Aurore asked, putting a hand on the girl's knee.
"Mommy always looks sad. But she hasn't since she met you, I thought she would be happy. But now she's sad again." Ella said, standing on the floor still, rocking slightly on her heels.
"Mommy's like Eeyore." Sarah said as she looked down to Ella, who nodded in agreement.
"Like... Eeyore? Your mom?" Aurore asked, shocked at what she was hearing. She had only seen Kelly sad a couple of times, she knew Kelly was hiding her emotions well, but she thought she had been able to read her. Maybe Kelly was more depressed than Aurore knew about.
"You've never seen her sad like we have. She used to look like this all the time…" Ella said, exaggerating a very deep frown. "Like Eeyore."
"Rory makes mommy smile." Sarah smiled, grabbing the baking roller to try and roll out the dough as she was talking.
"Yeah, mommy only ever smiled around Aunt Kris. I think... mommy's kinda sad about Aunt Kris." Ella said, agreeing with her sister.
"You do? Why?" Aurore asked, curious and surprised about the gossip and insider information about her girlfriend that she was now getting.
"I don't know." Ella answered awkwardly, her hands going into her pockets as she leaned back towards the counter.
Aurore looked at her, sure that Ella had a reason behind her statement, but she sighed, knowing that just like Kelly, there was no use pushing these girls. They told her what they wanted to say, the rest would stay within and only come out if they felt ready to say it. Instead, Aurore gave Ella and Sarah a gentle smile.
"I'll try to make her smile again."
"Mommy's pretty when she's happy!" Sarah exclaimed happy, still trying to roll out the dough by herself.
"Well, I'll do my best to keep her happy. You know, she's gone through a lot, it might take some time before she's all happy again... But I think I'll manage to do it. I have my ways, girls." Aurore smiled, whereupon Ella's nose wrinkled. Aurore let out a chuckle as she leaned down and kissed the top of Ella's head.
"Now can we finish cooking?" Aurore then smiled, helping Sarah to roll out the dough.
As the last plate of cookies were finished, Aurore sent the girls out into the garden to play before she cleaned up in the kitchen, and then walked out into the living room. Kelly was still staring straight into the wall, appearing to be very far away with her mind. Oscar was stretching out on the rug in front of the couch, and Aurore smiled as she sat down on the floor, scooting the Labrador up in her lap, hiding behind his young head.
"Ahem!" Aurore cleared her throat behind Oscar, peeking out from behind she could see Kelly turn her head and raise an eyebrow in questioning.
"You know, you upset the little ones when you look so said. You look like Eeyore." Aurore said, hiding behind Oscar and changing her voice as much as she could, trying to pretend that is was Oscar who was talking.
"Eeyore?" Kelly asked, her voice dull and monotone.
"Now, now Kelly. How we gonna get a smile on that pretty face?" Aurore said behind the dog, still changing her voice.
"Are you 12?" Kelly smirked tiredly, not really in the mood for games and jokes.
"Nope, not even one yet! Kelly, as your dog, I must tell you that you're making your oh so loving girlfriend here very upset."
Kelly sighed loudly and rolled her eyes before looking back at Aurore who was peeking out underneath Oscar's ear. "You're not even 12. You're 5. You're 5 and I'm Eeyore. What a pair."
"Kelly, look into my sweet little puppy face and –" Aurore began, but was cut off as Oscar turned his head around and licked Aurore on the lips. Aurore groaned loudly and wiped her mouth with her sleeve, letting go off the puppy, as Kelly once again rolled her eyes, but now at least fighting a chuckle.
"Okay, thanks for the help Oscar." Aurore sighed, watching the dog wag his tail as he leaped up into the couch, rolled over onto his back and stretched out all four legs into the air.
"Lazy." Aurore stated before moving up in front of Kelly, getting serious.
"So, your kids are alarmed. What's up?"
Kelly sighed, wiping the small smile away from her lips. "Nothing. I don't know what they're talking about."
"Oh please. I haven't know you that long but even I can tell when you're upset." Aurore said, trying to get Kelly to talk to her, even if she knew that was a difficult task. If there was one thing Aurore had learned about Kelly, it was that Miss Garrett was very, very stubborn.
"What do you want me to tell you?" Kelly asked, looking down at Aurore who was still sitting on the floor, she pulled up her knees, but lowered them back down as she realized her ribs were not okay with that yet. "How you're feeling! Kelly, sometimes it seems like Kris is the only one who can get anything out of you."
"I tell you everything."
"No, you tell me what you want me to know. Our relationship isn't going to work if you can't share anything with me."
"Is this what you're going to do? Threaten me so I tell you how I'm feeling?" Kelly snapped angrily, feeling the pressure and not sure on how she was supposed to handle it.
"I don't want to. And I can't... make you reveal anything to me. I won't do that, I won't beg. But I'm asking, simply asking, for you to tell me what's going on."
Kelly sighed as she looked back up onto the wall, staring far away into the distance. She took a couple of deep breaths, happy that Aurore let her take a minute to gather her thoughts before answering.
"What do you think is going on?" Kelly finally squeezed out.
"I know people died. Friends of yours. I almost lost Kamili… and I wasn't even awake to know my friend was hurt." Aurore said, swallowing hard as she thought of when Kelly had told her Kamili was in very bad shape. Kamili was one of her best friends since several years back, and she didn't want to lose her. "You were hurt too and I don't wanna imagine a life without you."
"People died. So many people. I'm supposed to be so good at saving people. At being the hero. But I couldn't save any of them." Kelly whispered, and Aurore could hear how her voice was about to crack.
"That wasn't your fault." Aurore said sternly, determination in her voice.
"Like hell it wasn't. He was right there... Right there, Aurore. I should have known. I should have sensed it. I'm supposed to know these things, right? That's what makes me Charlie's lead detective, and I... I fucked up. Zeke was there in the room with me day after day and I still didn't know." Kelly said, the sadness in her voice being replaced with anger as she furred her brows and pulled them together, her fists clenching in her lap.
"It's not your fault for being human, Kelly! None of this is being laid on you to feel guilt over. Nobody knew it was him. Nobody, Kell." Aurore said calmly.
"I was supposed to. That's what makes me... me. I know things that others don't. I can go on a hunch and be completely right. Solving a case completely based on what my gut tells me. But this, I was so blind. So in denial to believe anything my gut was telling me. Or I wasn't listening. I should've..."
Aurore rose to her feet, scoot Oscar aside, and he let out a loud sigh as he jumped down onto the floor and stretched out on top of their feet. Aurore wrapped an arm around Kelly's waist, pulling her close.
"You know, what you did was very brave. You trusted someone and they turned out to be no good. So what did you do? You fought him, and you won. You had your hip dislocated, you got pepper sprayed in the eyes and you were trapped in a burning building and still managed to kill him and save me. Tell me how many people would be able to do that? You are amazing Kelly. And you know what? You've learned. You're brave, Kelly Garrett, the bravest woman I know. Who knows how many people he would've killed had you not done what you did. You saved me. You saved Kris. You saved a lot of people."
Kelly swallowed hard as she looked over and met Aurore's gentle and loving eyes for a second, before quickly moving her head back to stare at the very interesting spot on the wall.
"I never felt rage like that before. I never... I never hated someone like that. I shot him, and I didn't care. I watched him burn to death, I could smell his flesh burn off his bones, and still, I felt nothing. Nothing. I didn't care that he screamed while burning. I listened to it, and maybe the only feeling I had was satisfaction." Kelly said, then took a pause as she clenched her jaw. "What kind of person feels satisfied at seeing someone burn to death?"
Aurore sat quiet, she really didn't have any answer to that, at least nothing she could come out with at the moment. Kelly slowly dropped her head onto Aurore's shoulder, and Aurore instinctively pulled her closer. Kelly let out a shaky breath as she whispered, in one of the most vulnerable and scared voiced Aurore had ever heard, Kelly's voice shaking out of fear.
"I'm scared... I don't want to end up like Zeke."
"You're not... Kelly, look at me." Aurore said, grabbing gently onto Kelly's chin and tilted her head towards her, their eyes meeting. "You're nothing like him. Don't ever think that you are."
"You don't know that. He was a good man, once. He was excellent. He protected people with his life. And one day it was gone. I could wake up one day, and it'll be gone." Kelly said quietly.
"What'll be gone?" Aurore asked in confusion, not understanding where Kelly was going.
Kelly took a deep breath, looking away from Aurore. "... My heart."
"Kelly, you have a great big heart. I doubt that one day you're going to wake up and not have it. I love that about you. Your heart, Kell. You love and protect so many."
"I'm sure I've scared you now." Kelly said with a small chuckle.
"Oh, it takes more than this to scare me. I kinda pretend I was in a horror movie, which makes it easier to deal with." Aurore smiled, making Kelly turned towards her, a faint smile on her lips, shining through the teary eyes.
"The evil fairytale man?" Kelly smiled.
"Yeeeah, I'm sure I'll come up with a better name for him though." Aurore nodded thoughtfully, attempting to make Kelly smile. Instead Kelly put her face into her hands, leaning her upper body towards her knees, and Aurore could feet herself beginning to shake as Kelly broke down in tears. Aurore immediately pulled her closer to her, kissing her temple over and over as she rocked Kelly back and forth.
"It's okay, I promise. It's over. Don't let him haunt you, don't let him be the reason to you feeling bad. Don't let him water your angst. That way, he wins. And don't ever let him win. He's dead. He's gone. His story is over. You won. Don't give him the pleasure of knowing that he can still haunt you."
Aurore just held Kelly as Kelly let all her emotions out, the tears welling out of their sockets. Aurore whispered quietly to her, not knowing what else to say, and finding that silence had great power sometimes. She kept rocking her, holding onto her tight, as Kelly cried for several minutes, before sucking it up, taking a deep breath and straightening her back. Aurore smiled at her and rubbed her back, and Kelly turned to meet her eyes.
"Live with me?" Kelly whispered, a faint smile on her lips. Aurore froze in the movement, not prepared for that at all.
"What?" Aurore breathed, her hand stopping at the middle of Kelly's back.
"I wanna wake up next to you every day. I want this to be your home. I want you to live with me and my girls." Kelly blurted out, not thinking about what she said, just speaking straight from her heart.
"This is sudden -"
"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have asked yet. Okay, stupid I know, but..."
Aurore leaned forward and put her hand on Kelly's cheek, turning her head towards her and met her lips with her own, pulling her into a passionate kiss. As they slid apart, their eyes met, Aurore's eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Okay." She smiled.
"Okay?" Kelly asked, hardly understanding what was happening at the moment.
"Don't hog the covers anymore though." Aurore added with a smirk, and Kelly let out a small laugh, looking up she looked out of the window, suddenly realizing Ella and Sarah were standing in the door on their way into the living room.
Aurore looked up and saw them too, both of them wondering how long the girls had been standing there and how much they had heard. No one said anything though as Ella and Sarah made their way to the couch, climbing up into it. Sarah sat down in Aurore's lap as Ella snuggled down into Kelly's. Upon seeing the girls cuddle down, Oscar immediately felt very left out and crawled over Sarah and Aurore to get into the middle. Aurore sighed loudly as the big yellow dog moved clumsy over her and she turned towards Kelly.
"This is a very small couch."
"Get used to it." Kelly smiled widely, her mood had suddenly brightened several shades.
It would work out. It always worked out.