Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

Part 2:

Meredith handed Madelyn her ballet outfits, the new dresses secured in a garment bag. "Okay, honey," she said, squatting down in front of Madelyn. "Are you ready for this?"

"Yes," Madelyn answered quickly, her big smile brightening her blue eyes.

Apparently Meredith was more nervous than the actual performer, but she was a mom and that was to be expected. Meredith took a deep breath before pulling her daughter into a big hug, "You're going to be great. I'm so proud of you honey."

Madelyn giggled a little as they pulled away, "Mom, I'm fine."

"I know," Meredith said quietly, a small tear in her eye. "I know you're fine, but you're my little girl. And you're growing up so fast. I'm just so proud of you." Meredith knew she was rambling and probably repeating herself, but she couldn't help it. Her daughter didn't need her as much as she used to. This 'good luck' speech usually happened later after Meredith went into the dressing room and helped Madelyn get ready. This time was different. She'd done her hair and her stage make-up at home like all the rest of the moms, but now she had to step aside. Madelyn got to finish the process on her own with all of her friends, instead of her mom.

"You're everything I could ever have hoped for in a daughter. You know that? I just…" Meredith sighed, her thought falling away in the air as she blinked away a few tears. She couldn't finish that thought, at least not verbally. Still, it continued to run through her head. I just wish your father could see you now… That wasn't the kind of thing she should say to her daughter before her performance. Definitely not.

"I need to go now, Mom," Madelyn said, knowing her Mom would just stay and continue to get choked up until the whole program was over unless she stopped it. "I'll see you after the show, okay?"

"Okay. We'll be watching,"' Meredith said before she kissed her daughter on the forehead and stood up straight, letting Madelyn disappear into the dressing room.

Meredith carefully found her way through the crowded high school foyer to the large auditorium that was slowly filling up as it got closer to the beginning of the recital. She walked down one of the aisles, finding Burke with her children about midway through. She joined them, sitting down next to Brayden. He immediately climbed into her lap and cuddled closet, already feeling tired from the day.

"Cristina is on her way," Burke said as he glanced at Hayley and Corinne who were chatting away happily, becoming closer friends every day they spent together.

"Good," Meredith said as she ran her hands through Brayden's thin, silky hair. Glancing up at Burke, she could tell he knew something was on her mind. "It's hard when they start to get older. They need you less," she said softly, silently cherishing the fact that Brayden still needed her to hold him.

"They still need you," Burke answered, "They may not need you to dress them and feed them, but they still need you. Just in different ways.

Meredith nodded, looking back down at Brayden. His soft eyes were beginning to close, despite his previous excitement about seeing his sister dance. She figured she'd wake him up when she was about to come on stage, and according to the program that was about half-way through the show.

"Kids never stop needing someone to love them, whether they want to admit it or not. Even when they aren't kids anymore, it's a human need," Burke said before a woman came on stage and informed the audience that the program would be starting promptly in ten minutes.

"Why the hell are we coming to the high school?" Derek asked, becoming slightly infuriated that he was being put in the dog house over this. Maybe this really had nothing to do with Meredith. Maybe Cristina had just called him that solely to piss him off or make things just a little bit more unpleasant for him.

Cristina put the car in park and pulled out her keys without dignifying his remark with any kind of a response. She reached into the bag of her car and grabbed a sweater, pulling it over the t-shirt she'd worn today, deciding she needed to look at least decent.

Derek watched her in utter confusion. "What are you up to?" he finally asked again once she stopped and seemed to be going over something mentally.

"Nothing," she answered quickly, brushing him off. "Now, get out of the car," she ordered plainly before getting out of the car herself.

He thought for a moment about ignoring her and being defiant. He should probably get answers before he did anything, but for some reason, he didn't think Cristina was trying to hurt him. Before, she'd made if very clear that she was protecting him from something and it would kind of make sense if she still was. There was something about the way she was acting that made him wonder if she was actually on his side.

So, he got out of the car. Still in silence, she walked down the sidewalk, glancing at her watch and cursing to herself. Apparently, they were late for whatever they were doing. Derek followed her, remembering her threats of no questions. He wasn't supposed to ask questions. None.

Derek wanted so much to turn around and leave, but his curiosity made him follow Cristina anyways. He couldn't figure this out. He was a brain surgeon and he couldn't connect the dots. His mind was continuously flipping between Meredith and Analyse, worry and guilt. He couldn't pick one to stick with, one to consume his mind wholly. The worst part was that he knew there really shouldn't be a choice to make. It should have already been made.

In ten years, he thought he had changed so much. He still had his land, his trailer, his small boat, and all of his fishing gear, but it wasn't the same. He had an apartment in the city now. It started as a place to stay when he didn't feel like driving all the way home, but he'd slowly started spending more time there. It was just more convenient for both him and Analyse, once she'd come into the picture. She liked the trailer and they would sometimes spend weekends out there, but his main residence was his up-scale apartment. He fished, but not as much as before. His time was already divided between work and Analyse as it was and he hated spending too much time away from her.

Aside from small behavior changes, he'd gone from a sad and depressed man to a man at peace. He'd come to peace with the fact that he would most likely never see Meredith again. Even if chance brought them momentarily together, he knew it would never last or turn into anything. The small flicker of hope for a family of his own that was reborn once Meredith came into his life had finally been extinguished. He spent time with his nieces and nephews when he could and told himself that was enough. He had learned to take what the world had given him and flourish within it instead of dreaming for the impossible and wasting his life away.

The second Meredith moved back to Seattle, she cracked the foundation of his new life that he had once thought was unbreakable. As he allowed himself to become wrapped up in her life and problems, he extended that crack until it reached every crevice of his life. In retrospect, it would have been smarter to not get involved. He would have been able to remain his new self instead of being stuck in a game of tug of war. A part of him was pulling, begging, pleading for him to revert back to his old ways, his old dreams, and his old desires. The other side was showing the suffering he'd endured and how far he's come. It was pulling for Analyse and every other new aspect of his life. It should be so easy to let go and fall back into his new life, but it's not. The old Derek Shepherd was back and strong, holding his own. His mind just couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or not.

Cristina snapped him back to reality by hitting him with a booklet. Derek took it in his hands as he followed her down a hall farther into the high school. Bringing it to his eyes, he got an amused look on his face. "I never pegged you for the kind that enjoyed ballet. Much less amateur ballet."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Shut up, Shepherd." She stopped at four wooden doors that had the word 'auditorium' printed on a plastic plaque glued above them. "We're late, so we're going to have to sit in the back."

She pulled open the door and walked into the dark auditorium as Derek followed silently behind her. Everyone was applauding as a group of a bout seven tap dancers in black and red hurried off the stage. Cristina pulled Derek into the last row of empty seats. As Derek sat down next to her, his bewilderment began to reach an all-time high. About five little girls, no older than four were heading on stage. Their eyes were all glued to their instructor who was 'hidden' behind the curtain on their left. Their performance was cute and elicited many "awws" from gushing mothers in the audience, but the whole thing still made no apparent sense.

Trying to be quiet, Derek leaned slightly in Cristina's direction and kept his voice very low, "Are you going to explain to me now why we're watching four-year-olds hop around on stage?"

"We're not here to see them," Cristina hissed.

Derek's frustration rose, knowing that much already. "Then why exactly are we here?"

One thing Derek knew about Cristina was that she was a very forceful woman. Hell, everyone knew that about her. She thrived on intimidation and power. She spoke down to people, looked them straight in the eye, and assumed she was always one hundred percent right. It was her nature to show no signs of weakness or nerves.

Tonight, however, she was looking straight ahead and avoiding Derek's eyes. Her words were chosen carefully, an unexplainably heavy weight bearing down on them. Before she answered his question, she took an uncharacteristically deep breath. "It's Madelyn's recital."

"You could have told me that when we left the hospital. Why did you have to keep that a secret?" Derek asked, still not making sense of things.

"Because," she seethed between her teeth, "If I had told you earlier, you might have had enough tie for your tiny, tiny, tiny brain to actually work."

Derek began to form the word "what" but just before he could, Cristina flipped through her booklet and shoved a page into his face. "What am I looking at?"

"The solo performance," she said as his eyes ran down the page until he found it listed last. Under the bolded dance title was Madelyn Grey. His forehead wrinkled in confusion and Cristina knew he hadn't figured it out yet. "What color are Meredith's eyes?" she blurted out.

"What?" Derek asked, his head snapping away from the booklet as the room erupted in applause again.

"What color are Meredith's eyes?" she repeated, her voice extremely slow as if to make a point of his stupidity.

Derek's mind immediately conjured up a million different images of Meredith, all complete with her radiant smile and her expressive eyes. "Grey-ish gree. It depends on her mood and-"

"Yeah, okay." Cristina said, cutting him off. "Green."

"What does this have to do with anything?"

Cristina ignored his comment completely, "Have you ever seen her husband?"

That question sent a strange feeling through Derek, erasing all the memories he'd brought to the surface of their intimate moments. His mouth felt oddly dry and his body entirely uncomfortable as he answered the question. "Only from a distance."

"Want to know what color his eyes are?" Cristina asked, her eyes glued to the nine-year-olds walking off the stage after their performance.

"No," he answered bitterly, slowly sinking in his seat.

"Brown," Cristina said anyways. "Look up at the stage," she said softly, her voice conveying a soft sweetness he'd never heard come from her before.

Madelyn carefully walked on stage, her ballet slippers on her feet. She was dressed in a flowing indigo outfit, her hair tied up in a bun with a few curls falling down.

"Derek, what color are Madelyn's eyes?" Cristina asked quietly, her voice still seeming foreign to her body.

Madelyn paused in her position, her eyes shutting gently before soft piano keys began flowing through the air. Her feet began to move first, one crossing before the other as her head carefully lifted up and her eyes opened.

Derek's breath was caught immediately, his attention being pulled in by the eyes he felt were a reflection of his own. He'd never seen it before; despite the many times he'd spent with the young enchanting girl. He'd never been able to make the connection until this moment and he never felt so stupid before. It was completely obvious to him now; Cristina didn't have to say another word.

Madelyn's movements were soft and graceful; almost as if she was floating. They completely mesmerized Derek as he felt an unconditional love for this angel grow in his heart. In that moment, it all felt surreal and he didn't really care much about reality and all of its problems. That was his daughter up there, showing everyone her flawless dance.

She was his daughter. His angel. His princess. He had a daughter. It was almost inconceivable to him, yet so right. Momentarily, he pondered the possibility of being wrong. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe someone in Meredith's family had blue eyes. He'd never met her family. The same thing was possible with Trevor. Cristina could be wrong. He could be wrong. Despite the many possibilities, something inside of him told him otherwise. She was his daughter.

As Madelyn's dance ended, everyone broke out into applause, as did Derek and Cristina. He had never felt so proud before. She was his daughter.

The lights in the auditorium slowly turned on after the owner of the dance company said a few words to end the night. Derek stayed still as people began to shuffle out of the auditorium, heading to find their dancers in the foyer. Cristina sat silently next to him, waiting for his next move. She could tell his eyes were focused on something, and she only had one idea as to what it was.

Meredith was standing with Brayden in her arms, waiting as Cassidy and Hayley pulled their jackets on. Burke and Corinne were with them in the row of seats, talking as the girls zipped up. Meredith absently glanced back as she took Cassidy's hand, her eyes unexpectedly landing on Derek.

He was sitting back in his chair, one elbow on the armrest, his fingers supporting his chin. His eyes were focused, yet glazed over in a way she'd never seen before. Her heart dropped as she saw Cristina next to him, her face plain. Derek seemed expressionless, yet she knew he was looking at her.

"Meredith, you guys ready to go?" Burke asked after she paused, following Corinne down the aisle.

Meredith looked away, catching Burke's eyes. "Yeah," she answered, her voice coming out raspy in a way she hadn't expected.

She ushered her girls into the aisle and walked to the back of the auditorium as Derek's eyes followed her. She knew Burke saw Cristina, but he hadn't done or said anything. He just left the auditorium, her family behind him.

The foyer was brightly lit and Meredith found herself wiping away a few absent tears as Hayley and Cassidy ran off to find their sister. She slowly followed them, Brayden cuddling close to her and trying his best to stay asleep. Her mind was racing, but she tried to focus on the task at hand. Get Madelyn. Get in the car. Go home. She was switching to automatic, hoping that she could turn off her emotions.

When she finally found Madelyn, Hayley and Cassidy had already given her bouquets of flowers that they'd bought before the recital. Madelyn was beaming and Meredith wished that she could be enjoying this as much as her daughter was. Trying not to be rude, Meredith tried to get her girls to hurry up. Without too much effort Meredith managed to lead them all to the doors and outside.

The air was cold and the sky was dark. The girls were happily chatting as they walked down the long cemented entranceway to the parking lot. Meredith was happy to say she was nearly home free. She had avoided a major disaster and she was proud of herself for it.

"Meredith!"

Her eyes shut the moment she heard the voice over the crowds of people heading home. She paused as the girls suddenly became quiet, knowing something was off. She heard the voice again as it came closer, footsteps beneath it. As she opened her eyes, Cristina was standing in front of her, telling the girls quietly to follow Burke.

Cristina gave Meredith a distant look, displaying none of the conflicting emotions she was feeling towards her friend. Derek stopped a few yards behind them, watching Cristina as she took Brayden out of Meredith's arms.

"We can take them for the night," Cristina said quietly, Meredith's strained eyes watching her as she spoke. "They'll be fine."

Meredith's face tightened as Cristina took a step away. She didn't have to speak, Cristina just knew. "I had to," Cristina whispered, "It's for your own good." She gave Meredith a small sympathetic smile, before turning away and heading down the path Burke had earlier.

She was motionless and she figured it didn't matter. She knew Derek would be in front of her soon; there was nothing she could do. Most people were already gone, only a few stragglers were still on the cemented path, heading to their car.

Derek placed his hands in his pockets, his high from earlier completely sucked dry. He found his voice with a little difficulty, speaking without taking a step closer to her. "We need to talk."

His simple, yet distant spoken words urged Meredith to turn around. Too tired to fight, she did and she met a pair of the bluest eyes. Afraid to look at him too long, her eyes fell, her posture followed and Derek just watched. He finally walked over to her, keeping a safe distance between them. She didn't look up, so he held out his hand. As she hesitantly took it, he felt something fall into place inside of him.

I got no one to turn to
So I'm turning to you
I'm out on a ledge
I'm stepping to the edge
I'm at the end of my rope
You gotta give me some hope