Hi peeps :D

So, I put a trigger warning on the last chapter, and if there is anyone out there that did decide to skip the triggering parts, let me clue you in:

Novalie felt like she deserved the pain that was being inflicted on her, and kind of enjoyed it. (She's not a masochist, she is self-hating).

Novalie also almost killed herself, but stopped when she realised that she was the only one that could save the four hostages and that she couldn't do that because she is so close to Levi, who needs her right now.

I will always make the effort to put a trigger warning on things because I fully understand that what I'm writing is pretty upsetting to some people, especially if you have been through this stuff. Still, I don't want you to have to not know what's going on so I'll always tell you what went on like I did just now.

Daymn I am a morbid human being. D:

Anyway, here's your chapter folks!

NOVALIE

The light has gone. There's no light left inside me. It has been extinguished with a single motion. I used to have a little light – it was dim, but it was there. It kept me alive and breathing. It got me up every day.

I'm in the dark now.

I was alone in the house, and my head was bleeding. The blood was warm, it was running down my temple and over my cheekbone. My face was cold, and the blood was warming it. All I had was the wound on my head and the veil of hate that has come yet again to suffocate me. The voices that whisper, you monster. You don't deserve love. You deserve to be hurt like you hurt him. And that is just what happened. Karma has hit me, the depression that slunk into the background for these past three years came crawling back to strangle me once more. It is like, although I have gradually been regaining my emotions, this one action has opened a door and let the depression and hate loose like a torrent.

It's taking over my mind.

I'm sorry Levi.

It's pathetic I know, the word "sorry". Like a one syllable word could POSSIBLY excuse what I have just done. But I am sorry, and that is all I've got to say.

Pathetic, I know.

I had a choice. Either stand with the scouts as they all die, or possibly save them but sacrifice the people I cared about. What a shitty choice.

Life, why do you intend on hurting me? Was I born to satisfy your torturous desires? Why did you have to make me exist?

The stream of blood crept into my mouth. It tasted like metal. I let it slide past my lips as I stared at the wall in front of me. There was now a mark on the wall, a mark of blood. A mark where I had tried to knock myself out. At least if I was unconscious I couldn't feel the misery. It didn't work though. It didn't work and now my head is thundering with pain and the wall has a splodge of my blood on it.

And the pain, it's still here.

LEVI

'Do you think that was some kind of meltdown? I think it means she feels guilty. Maybe she is being forced to do this? Or mayb-'

'Hanji, shut up,' I snapped. She fell silent.

Mike, who had been eerily quiet for most of the time we'd been down here, piped up. 'I never knew her that well, but she always looked a bit… Cold.'

'She suffered from a lack of emotions,' Erwin explained. 'But despite that, she did care about people. Or so it seemed.'

'Hey, Erwin, I bet you knew her real name, didn't you?' Hanji said. 'It must have been on her record.'

'No, it wasn't. Kamoku was on there.'

'She never used to speak…' I said, staring down the dark corridor. My stomach ached for food, my whole body ached with bruises from Novalie's kicking, my mouth was so dry that my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, and my back hurt against the stone wall. And I needed to pee. Not good.

'What?' Asked Mike.

'In the Eastern Scouting Regiment, she didn't take her hood off or speak. Not in the cadets either. Her comrades gave her that name. It means silence or something like that.'

'Wow, who did she think she was?' Mike spat.

I growled under my breath. Something, SOME kind of hope that she was the same person I knew still made me fiercely defensive over her.

'She is Novalie Kansten and she has had a shit life, so don't judge what you don't know,' I blurted angrily.

'Levi,' Erwin said in a warning tone. 'We don't need an argument, we are stuck here with each other, let's at least get along.'

'Is anyone else dying for a poo?' Hanji chirped.

'Thanks for that image Shitty Glasses,' I grumbled.

'Ugh, they better not leave us to crap ourselves,' Mike muttered.

Imagine the loss of dignity… At least it's dark. This is a nightmare come to life.

'Well,' Erwin sighed. 'Next time they come down here, I will want answers about exactly who they are and what they want.'

'It's them,' I said without any doubt in my mind.

'You mean our Enemy?' Erwin caught on.

'Yeah, the ones that bloody killed half of us.'

'Yes, that would make sense. They are clever no doubt.'

'But, why is Kamoku with them?!' Hanji exclaimed impatiently.

'Your guess is as good as mine,' Erwin murmured.

The room fell silent apart from the odd rattle of chains as someone shifted. My head was full of shit, I was overwhelmed with both heartbreak and confusion. I had never found someone so similar to me - I had never been so emotionally close to someone. I don't do all the sappy emotional talk, but she kinda forced me to. It was oddly liberating. Now, though, I don't even KNOW her, and to think that the person I thought was dead has come back as my enemy... It'd be less painful if she had stayed dead...

NOVALIE

I somehow got myself together, shuddering non-stop as I paced the empty house. What else is Elias going to make me do? I still needed to prove myself, and I was on my way there, but my heart ruled my head and I made the stupid decision to run off. Now I had lost his trust. You idiot.

If I can just have enough freedom to contact the military police, to send them a letter or something, then I could organise an ambush. Elias and his gang could be arrested. And maybe, just MAYBE, things could go back to the way they were.

Expect Levi will hate me. Every footstep, every thump of my pounding head, reminded me of the way I could feel his ribs every time I rammed my boot into him. I was close to turning around and beating Elias to the floor. Maybe I should have, but the underlying fear that killing Elias wouldn't be enough to get rid of the LDSR, that they would pick another leader and wreak more havoc, stopped me from doing so. The scene played over and over in my head,

Kick

Kick

Kick.

I felt bile rise in my throat, and bolted to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet JUST as I reached it. I heaved, closing my eyes. It was SICKENING, absolutely REVOLTING to even think about. I even had to put on a show of being angry and passionate about it when really, I wanted to crouch down and hug Levi and tell him to sit tight, because I am going to get him out.

But I can't.

I shakily flushed the toilet and cleaned up my face – which was a few shades paler – and traipsed out of the bathroom in a daze, trying desperately to distract myself. I wandered into rooms I never had been in, ambling around dumbly. I stopped dead when I came into a small room with strange things everywhere. There were animal heads on the wall, there were random items of clothing, a scout's cloak soaked in blood, random objects laid out on tables and shelves. I gaped at it all, what is THIS?

As I scanned my eyes across the table, I saw something that was strangely familiar to me. It was a dark oak spoon, engraved with vines. It was kind of like the one I have…

I took out the spoon from my pocket to compare them, and as I put them next to each other, my blood turned to ice in my veins.

'Here is your dinner sweetie,' Jo put my soup bowl in front of me. I looked down at it and the plain old spoon that was in it. I plucked it out and dropped it on the table, scowling at it. I could see my adopted mother watching me out of the corner of my eye, and Gideon, who was also at the table, chuckled.

'This little madam wants HER spoon Jo.'

'Oh Novalie, you are a funny one,' Jo tittered, handing me another spoon. This one was MY spoon, it was so intricately designed all the way up the handle. It was mesmerising.

'Look Novalie, I have one too,' Gideon said, and as I looked up at him, I saw that he was holding an identical spoon, except it was bigger, and of dark wood unlike mine.

My legs stopped working. I couldn't move. I heard Elias come through the front door, but still, I couldn't respond.

'Novalie?' He called from downstairs.

It is Gideon's spoon. My adoptive Father's… What the HELL is it doing here?

Elias' footsteps on the stairs.

'Sis? Oh, you found my trophy room.' His voice was behind me now. His TROPHY ROOM? I swivelled around, still holding the spoons. He glanced down at them.

'That's funny, I only remember taking one spoon…' Rage welled up inside me, pure raw emotion.

I said, surprisingly calmly, 'How did you get this?'

Expressions flicked across Elias' face. I tried to take them in, but my anger was blinding me. 'This room…' He stepped past me, admiring his curiosities. 'Is full of trophies. Trinkets, or souvenirs if you like, of my enemies. Everything in this room belonged to someone who I… Got rid of.'