Author's Note: Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.

Chapter 35

Alex walked through the shadowed halls of the Temple in a daze. He wasn't aware of the late hour nor of the curious stares he was receiving from those who were up and about. He wasn't aware of his appearance, nor of what he was wearing, a dark brown robe that barely made it to the middle of his shins. His whole existence had narrowed down to the act of following An-Paj, putting one foot in front of the other and concentrating on not falling flat on his face. His muscles trembled with fatigue and an almost pleasant fog had settled over his mind, numbing the pain there to an almost manageable level. Almost.

There were so many things missing from memory and so many different feelings bombarding him that all Alex could do was focus on getting to Meri. If he didn't, he thought he might go crazy. It didn't seem possible that his whole life had changed in the blink of an eye or that ten years had gone by. Worst of all, like a nightmare, it didn't seem possible that Meri now hated him.

Alex clenched his jaw so tightly it ached at that thought and he felt as though he were going to shatter into thousands of tiny fragments. His heart jumped and he felt lightheaded, but he couldn't judge how much of it was a result of his recent coma and weakness and how much was a result of his life falling apart. There was no answer. Either way, he felt sick.

As they stepped into the lift to take them down to the infirmary Alex felt An-Paj studying him intently and finally raised his eyes from the floor.

"Still all right?" the healer asked softly.

All right? Alex thought to himself. How could he be? But he nodded despite his thoughts, knowing An-Paj was merely questioning his physical strength level and not his mental health. He wasn't in any immediate danger of passing out and that was all that would keep him from seeing Meri. He needed to see her more than his next breath. He couldn't explain the need and he didn't want to.

"I'm sorry, Alex," An-Paj offered into the awkward silence.

Alex felt his mouth twist in an ugly parody of a smile. "Not your fault, is it?"

Silence resumed and Alex found himself grateful that Kenobi had remained behind. There was a new undercurrent of tension between them and Alex had no idea why. The reason for it was missing along with ten years of his life. Ten years…

He could not believe it. The very thought of everything that must have gone on and all that he had missed was too much for him to handle and he had to shut the line of thought away before his mind simply exploded. It was going to be difficult enough to deal with the knowledge he already held without gaining more.

He didn't want to believe it, but he supposed it all made a rather sickening sort of sense. All those unexplained feelings and thoughts upon his awakening in the Infirmary were becoming clear. Everything had felt so different, even his connection to the Force and that all made sense now. It would feel different wouldn't it? Years had gone by. But the absolute worst feeling had been when he realized he could no longer sense Meri through their bond. He couldn't understand how he hadn't realized…how could he have thought she was merely shielding?

The absence of the bond felt like a raw wound to his mind, how could he have mistaken that? The last he remembered, it had been a strong cord of pulsing light that connected them. Strong? He once would have said unbreakable.

Now there was no bond? How was he to cope when he felt a large chunk of who he was had been cut away? How could she hate him when he loved her so much he ached with it? These questions and a million others raced through his mind as they arrived at the Infirmary.

A woman with dark hair and wearing the blue robes of the Infirmary approached them and it took a moment for Alex to pull himself away from his jumbled thoughts long enough to focus on the figure before him.

She looked oddly familiar and suddenly Alex realized who he was looking at. Healer apprentice Lina Elani…only… it was unlikely she was still an apprentice. He felt like an outsider as he watched An-Paj pull Lina aside and began conversing with her in hushed tones. Again Alex felt the sharp sense of loss as he looked into a face that had changed from a young girl into a confidant woman seemingly overnight.

Suddenly it was all too much. The room swam around him and the punch of nausea to his belly had him ducking his head and swallowing hard. He fought to hold himself together, but visions of Meri and how she would have changed, her pretty face transformed into a cold mask of dislike made him stumble. "No," he mumbled without meaning to speak.

At the sound An-Paj lifted his head from where he was speaking to Lina in quiet tones. His concerned expression immediately changed to one of alarm "Alex?"

"No, no," Alex mumbled to himself again, deaf to the healer trying to gain his attention. The thoughts and feelings he'd been trying to frantically control surged and his focus narrowed to a pinprick of light and then everything just exploded out of control.

Memories, thoughts and feelings drowned Alex's consciousness until it was almost too much to bear. Images, snippets of memory, powerful feelings of aching grief, it was consuming him. Visions of Meri, young, so young, the first time he'd seen her, a thin waif with expressive eyes, her grief, her pain, her torment. The first time she smiled at him, the gut punch of feeling, suddenly her voice was there in his mind, thick with tears. "Did you really want me?"

The vision of the young Meri morphed into an older Meri, her dark eyes full of burning agony. "Please don't leave me!"

Alex groaned, nearly bent double as his fingers dug into his scalp as though trying to stop the cacophony of voices. I want you...I want you so much I ache with it!

It was a different want now than in the beginning and so much stronger. It permeated his being.

"He's abandoning me...he's leaving me. He promised me he wouldn't. He said he never would."

"I need you."

Ten years gone by...

"We almost lost her."

"...you're thirty-six now"

"Don't leave leave me!"

Ten years lost...

"...she was knighted when she was 24."

I need you...

"She almost died."

"Alex!" The commanding voice laced with the Force was enough to bring Alex's head up and his tormented eyes focused on the healer. An-Paj was back at his side, and had taken his arm, fearing Alex would collapse.

Alex felt as though he might. His mouth was cotton dry and he was trembling. His head was throbbing like an open wound and there was only one thing he could think of. "Meri..." he licked his dry lips and tried again. "I need to see her...please?"

An-Paj was concerned and the puckered brow he wore as he helped Alex down the corridor was testament to this. He could only imagine what was going through Alex's mind. He'd only dealt with amnesiacs a few times before in his profession. The mind was a remarkable thing, but despite its resilient capabilities, it didn't handle very well when large amounts of new memory were dumped on it all at once. An-Paj couldn't imagine what adding all the problems of the missing Union bond would do, but he could speculate.

Alex's situation was special. He'd remembered five years but lost ten. It was almost like reverse amnesia. Alex was finding out that his lover now didn't want anything to do with him and he couldn't remember why. His bond with Meri was missing, and while all these thoughts of Meri and their relationship were foremost in Alex's mind, they didn't even begin to include the questions about the life Alex had lived in those missing ten years. Thoughts that were undoubtedly clamoring to be heard as well. All this information was trying to squeeze itself into Alex's brain at the same time. It simply couldn't be done.

Realizing this only made An-Paj more wary. He had no precedent on which to base his actions for this type of situation. The only thing he could do, was be watchful and hope for the best. What he wanted to do and what he had to let Alex do were entirely two different things.

He knew Alex was weak and struggling just to stay upright. He should have been in bed with a bowl of warm, nourishing broth, if An-Paj could have had his way. But the knight's entire being was focused on seeing his former apprentice and An-Paj knew better than to ignore that. Alex was also obviously disoriented. He hadn't as yet made one comment about being in the Infirmary. He hadn't yet realized what this meant, and that spoke volumes to An-Paj about the clarity of Alex's mind.

As they entered the corridor that held Meri's room, Alex stiffened, and An-Paj glanced at him quickly. Alex's expression was vague, preoccupied, but suddenly he turned to the healer and grasped his arm with a surprisingly biting grip.

"What's wrong? Why is she here if not…if not for me?"

"Calm yourself," An-Paj advised at the wild expression on Alex's face. "She was banged up a bit on her last mission," he hedged. "But she's mending…she'll be unconscious though. From her treatment," he added.

"Unconscious," Alex parroted. Then a broken, "Good."

One white brow rose at this, but An-Paj didn't question him. Alex was in no shape to answer anything had he asked.

At last they were there. An-Paj keyed in the entry and as the door whisked open he remained where he was as Alex hobbled unsteadily forward. Meri was still lying motionless on the bed, her pale complexion accenting the healing bruises.

For the first time in a long time, An-Paj felt like an intruder in his own domain.

Alex suddenly paused, half way to her bedside. "Leave us." The tone was commanding, but the voice that delivered it was full of choked emotions.

An-Paj hesitated, but then briefly closed his eyes and sought out Meri's life force to make certain she wouldn't wake. Satisfied that she would probably sleep for at least another 20 hours or so, the healer granted Alex Arieh his wish and left him to his grief.

One shuffled step…then another…Alex was almost afraid to look at the woman who had once been his apprentice. While An-Paj had remained, he'd kept his eyes focused on the floor knowing that when he finally saw her, he might not be able to keep his emotions leashed any longer. His grief was rising up to swallow him. He almost didn't want to look, to see the realization of what he'd done to her.

But the need within Alex wouldn't leave him and finally he allowed his eyes to travel slowly up the motionless form in the bed. Pale arms, covered in bruises, stark white infirmary sheets and then…his breath sobbed out of him and he had to grip the bed to keep from falling.

"Meri?" He whispered in heartbreak. She was…changed. He studied her hungrily, taking in every detail, every nuance of change while unbidden tears formed in his eyes.

When last he'd closed his eyes, his padawan had been a happy, bright eyed young woman. Her face had been full of light and when she looked at him, there had been adoration in her gaze. She had been stunningly beautiful to him. It hadn't been the physical or not just the physical that had attracted him to her. Her spirit had been beautiful and full of light. She wasn't plain, nor was she an exotic beauty...but she had been his.

Now...now he struggled with what he was seeing. The grief...the guilt, it was overwhelming him. She had grown, yes, he could see that easily. Womanhood had finally caught up to the once slender wisp of a girl. She now had more curves under the toned muscle. But Alex was using the Force to see, not only his eyes and the knowledge he gained was almost more than he could bear.

Without conscious thought Alex reached out, his fingers trailing along her porcelain features as the wetness on his dark lashes coalesced before forming crystalline drops.

She had been...broken.

It was there to see, in her face even if it had not resounded throughout the Force. Her brow was furrowed with lines of suffering and pain.

Their connection was gone, but it didn't take a mind healer to feel the results of his folly. He had brought this on her with his love...forming a forbidden bond. It didn't matter that he hadn't known...he'd thought...

He didn't know what he'd been thinking. Attachments were forbidden to the Jedi, but he'd needed her in a way he couldn't explain. He still needed her.

Am I going dark, he found himself wondering in detachment. Was this what it meant when they said attachments lead to the dark side? When at the end you saw the absolute destruction that had been ravaged on the one you would die before hurting and yet you still wanted the very thing that had caused it. Needed it beyond any explanation...like a drug.

Alex dug his hands into his temples groaning, bowed over by the dark questions within and his need...always the need.

A short bark of derisive laugher escaped him as he remembered who he was...who he was supposed to be. What a fine example of a Jedi he was. Swallowed up by pain, grief, guilt, emotions! A Jedi knew not emotion and certainly a Jedi did not know want, desire, need!

The emotions that gripped him were unbearable and his weakened body finally gave up on him as his knees gave way. He would've have fallen to the floor if he had not been standing so close, almost leaning on her bed. He managed to catch himself on the side. It took almost the last of his strength to pull himself up so that he was lying by Meri's side. The emptiness inside him swelled.

Anguish overcame him as he looked at her and without much of a fight, Alex gave in to the need to touch her. One hand traced her face reverently while the other supported him.

Words could not describe all the changes Alex could see in her face, but as much as Meri had changed she was also still Meri. She was still his and nothing could ever change that.

You can't hate me, he thought desperately. "I won't let you," he whispered huskily as he pulled her into his arms. "I won't let you!" he repeated more forcefully and then, his spirit broken beyond bearing, Alex buried his head in the crook of Meri's neck and wept.