Chapter Thirty Three

A week later we were back in Los Angeles for Summerslam. Much like it usually was, the lead up and our time in LA before the 'biggest party of the summer' was a blast. It put the situation from our last visit straight out of my mind, and I was able to focus on being in the city for one of the most important PPVs, cheering on Brie as she competed in her match against Stephanie. It was going to be an epic night, and even though I wasn't going to be wrestling, yet again, I had so many other things on my mind it didn't even really register. The tour was just under a month away, and it was already keeping me so busy. Wardrobe, practice, meeting the other acts, choosing which songs I was going to perform …it was all such a big process and I loved every part of it. Especially the fact that I had so much say in everything, and my opinion mattered, it was so different from following the storylines in the WWE.

But mostly I loved that this visit ensured I was able to reunite with a couple of former divas whom I hadn't seen in a very long time – Maryse and Eve. I'd always gotten along very well with both women, and we liked to keep in touch as much as possible with our crazy schedules often getting in the way. But I got up early that morning, and we went for breakfast together before a good long hike in Runyon Canyon. It was so refreshing and exactly what I needed to clear my mind for a few hours while catching up with the former divas.

"I seem to remember hairspray in the face from you," I said to Maryse, as we were all seated in a grassy area, stretching after our workout. We were discussing our greatest hits from back in the day.

"And you attacking me during my photo shoot and then getting to take pictures with me looking all unconscious," Eve said with a grin, "You were the epitome of a mean girl!" she laughed.

"And you did it well," I commented.

Maryse smirked, "I did, didn't I? But I seem to remember you getting your revenge by beating me at the following pay per view to take my title from me," she said to me and then turned to Eve, "And you put baby powder in my hair."

"Oh but you were asking for both of those!" I said and Eve nodded.

"I definitely miss the dramatics, sometimes. I mean where else can you hit someone with hairspray and not be charged?"

"I'm honestly glad you look so fondly upon that moment," I shook my head in amusement.

"Or beat Maryse Ouellet in the middle of a ring with a pillow in front of thousands of people …that was fun," Eve spoke fondly.

"Or watch Maryse make a fool of herself while Ted DiBiase channels his inner Frank Sinatra," I suggested.

Eve laughed, "Oh I especially remember that one fondly since I ended up winning that particular dance battle, you were cute though Maryse."

"What is this, pick on Maryse day?" she said, but she was smiling, "We had some good times, didn't we?"

"Yes we most certainly did, and now you two have moved onto bigger and better things! Recently married, different career paths. I'm so proud of the both of you," I said with an affectionate smile, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"And you too, Miss Country Artist. We've all come far since our first WWE run together," Eve said.

"So Mickie, you planning a retirement anytime in the near future?"

I shrugged, "It certainly feels like I should be heading in that direction. I still love wrestling and being in that ring, but I think it might be time to do something different."

"Like singing?"

I shrugged again and leaned back on my arms, "I don't know. I mean creating this album was great, and I'm looking forward to the tour, but I don't think it's something I'd want to keep doing. I'm thinking of maybe settling down, you know?"

"With this boyfriend of yours?" Maryse said with a mischievous grin.

I laughed, "With myself. Nick is great, and what we have is great and I want to keep it that way, but I recognize I need to work on myself, and that's okay with me too. I'm not in any rush."

I'd never tell him this, but I had took Phil's words to heart. It was easy to ignore them for the first little while, but there was just something about the guy that made it impossible to get his opinions out of my head. Every time he said something, it was like he was planting a seed that grew and grew until I was no longer able to ignore it. That damn guy. But if there was one thing to be said about Phil, it was that he always had this way of knowing exactly what it was I needed to hear, even if I didn't realize I needed to hear them at the time. I knew that he had my best interests at heart, that he was always going to look out for me, and while his executions always made me want to punch him in the face, I was always generally grateful for his insight and honesty.

"Well whatever you decide Mickie, you're going to be great, of that much I am certain," Eve said with a sincere smile.

It wasn't fun having to leave the girls to head to the arena, but I was in such a good mood after such a relaxing and trouble free afternoon, that I was practically buoyant as the rest of the day carried on, and I knew that I'd see them later, of course. I thoroughly enjoyed the PPV, especially the match between Brie and Steph that was going to fuel the feud between Nicole and Brie, something that I knew was going to be refreshing and interesting. It was a great way to mix things up in the women's division.

"Um, Mickie?" I looked up from my task of packing my things up to see Ariane and Eva both staring at me, the former being the one who had spoken. "Girl, you might want to come and check this out." She waved her cell phone.

I narrowed my eyes in confusion, smiling slightly I abandoned my task and then approached them, "What is it? Why do you both look so scandalised?"

They exchanged looks and Eva said, "Show her, she's going to hear about it eventually. Better from us than anyone else."

Ariane faltered, but then she handed me her phone. She had an internet page open with a wrestling related article. I couldn't understand what it was about until I saw that it mentioned both mine and Randy's name, and then Vanessa's. It was a piece that detailed that Randy and I had separated in January, and Randy had gone public with his new girlfriend shortly after that. But it wasn't just about that, that was all old news. The article had been written because of a series of tweets Vanessa had recently sent out, and then had later deleted, but of course nothing on the internet every disappears for good and many people, including the person who'd written this, had gotten screen shots of each and every one of her rant tweets.

What really makes me angry is when a woman acts all high and mighty but has skeletons in her own closet. MJ has come through this whole situation with everyone thinking she's some sort of victim, but she's the one who abandoned the man she supposedly loves when he needed her the most. Giving him an ultimatum when he was sick and just needed someone to help him pull through with no judgements was a despicable thing to do. I'm glad he left her, of course, but I wish he wasn't feeling the pain I know he is. And then she goes and cheats on him and feels like she has any right to point fingers! Women these days! #hypocrite

And that was her tweet, or rather that was the gist of it, broken up into numerous long tweets. It took me several extensive moments to realize that both divas were trying to get my attention. The anger pumping through my body had momentarily blocked all else, but now it was fueling my actions.

"What's going on?" Brie asked, joining us.

But I didn't answer, leaving that task to the divas who'd enlightened me, I marched across the room, snatched up my cell off the bench where I'd left it, and threw open the door and stalked off into the arena, pulling up the same article on my own phone.

I couldn't, for the life of me, believe that she would go this far. That she would make these accusations at all, let alone through twitter! I was sick of playing her little games, of being her punching bag when we didn't even know each other. This time, she'd taken it too far.

Nicole caught sight of me barrelling towards her and smiled, but it faded a second later as she caught sight of my expression.

"Mickie?" she questioned me tentatively.

I didn't even slow down, "You wanted me to show a little passion, Nicole? I'm about to give that bitch a piece of my mind."

I could sense her rushing after me, "What are you talking about? Mickie!"

I stopped to consult the directory board for only a brief second and then I was off towards Randy's locker room. But I didn't have to go the whole way as I caught sight of my target snapping a picture of herself in the hallway outside his room. I was thankful there was no one else around, but if that hadn't been the case, at this point I honestly don't think I would have cared. There was a significant difference between walking away and taking the high road and sacrificing your beliefs, and I sure as hell had a backbone.

She saw me and a look of disdain crossed her features, and I was almost surprised as Randy stepped out of the room in his ring attire smiling until he caught sight of me, but I didn't slow down, my eyes only on one person.

I was several feet away when I opened my mouth to speak, "You know I like to think I've been gracious towards you since the moment we've met. I've tried to make you feel welcome, I've been polite and accepting and you've shown me nothing but disrespect from the get go even though you're dating my husband. Now I understand that I'm intimidating, Randy and I are still married, and we have a history. So I decided to chalk your behaviour up to that, including that little tour you took through my bedroom at Randy's birthday party," I stopped, and she was standing just on the other side of Randy her eyes narrowed, "You can say whatever the hell you want about the kind of person you think I've been since we met, but don't you dare speak on things you know nothing about!"

"Mickie what the hell are you talking about?" Randy asked.

I tossed my phone at his chest, and he caught it more reflexively than anything and proceeded to scan the article. Then he turned slightly and looked down at Vanessa with a questioning look on his face.

"This… must have been taken out of context," he finally said, but I could tell he didn't believe his own words.

Someone grasped my arm and for the first time I remembered Nicole had followed me here. "Come on, Mickie."

I shook out of her grasp and took a step back so I could look up at Randy, "Are you kidding me? The proof is there, right in front of your face!"

He handed my phone back to me, "It's done and over with, there's nothing we can do about it."

"Yeah, it's so done. But you know I don't even know why I'm surprised, what can I expect from a twenty six year old? A little maturity would probably be too much to ask," I said condescendingly.

"Jealous?" she asked.

"Truth be told, twenty six wasn't a very good year for me. You can ask Randy all about that one. I could write a book filled with shit that I put up with. Don't you ever presume to think that you know anything about me," I looked up at Randy again, "Everything else I could understand you dredging up and throwing in my face. But this? How could you?"

I turned away from him and with Nicole linking her arm through mine, we retreated back in the direction we'd come. We made it all the way back to the women's locker room in silence, as she had taken the phone from me so she could read the article herself, and then I pulled my arm from hers and ran a hand through my hair, taking several deep breaths. My heart was still beating rapidly but otherwise I felt calm enough that I was starting to grasp the reality of the situation and the anger from before was slipping away and once more I could think clearly again.

"Are you okay?"

I finally opened my eyes and turned to face her, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just …ashamed more than anything."

"Why?"

"Did you not see what just happened?"

"Mickie, it's one thing to remain level headed while your husband leaves you and gets a new girlfriend. It's an entirely different thing to stand by while this woman does things like this," she handed my phone back to me.

"I could have handled it better," I said softly, going over in my mind everything that was said. I shouldn't have gotten so angry. But that moment of mine and Randy's relationship was a touchy subject at best. It was something we'd gone through together, conquered and moved on from, and somehow her speaking out about it to hurt me, when she had no idea what she was talking about, seemed about the worst way she could ever have insulted me. I'd stood by Randy through all of it, through the ups and the downs, and while I'd gotten angry with him, and told him he needed to change, I never once stopped supporting him. And the fact that I was standing here now, obsessing over it, and doubting it, just pissed me off all over again. Why in the hell did I need to justify any of that to her?!

"Mickie you need to stop. There is such a thing as having too much poise. I would be all over her if it had been me. Are you going to be okay?" she gestured to my phone.

I nodded my head, "I have to be, right? I'm a survivor." I sighed in frustration, feeling the urge to cry come over me for the first time in what felt like a really long time. I rarely cried (though I seemed to be doing more and more of it lately), so this was a sign of just how much her words, and Randy's reaction, had hurt me, "That time of my life…" I couldn't even continue, the emotions were too overwhelming. Memories and old feelings were fresh on my mind again – the absolute terror that had had an iron grip on me for such a long time, living with the knowledge Randy was constantly hurting himself, the feeling of utter helplessness, finding his unmoving body on that kitchen floor, the dread that he might die… These were things that Vanessa would never be capable of understanding.

"Hey," Nicole tilted my chin up and then pulled me into her arms, "It's going to be okay. She has no idea what she's talking about, Mickie. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met; don't doubt that for even a second."

Everyone always said that, but sometimes I couldn't really understand why.

"I've come to terms with that time in my life, I have, but reliving it, it's never easy. You can never truly forget the pain and fear of those situations. They live inside of you forever," I angrily wiped away the tears that had fallen down my face, hating this sign of weakness.

Nicole placed her hands on my shoulders, "Don't let her bring you down, Mickie. She's jealous of you; it's as simple as that. You're better than this, better than her. You're Mickie James, you take the high road and practice being the very best version of yourself at all times, don't forget that."

I nodded, "You're right."

She offered me an encouraging smile, "So have you made a decision about Eva's wedding? Two days in Napa," she said in a sing song voice, "Could be just what you need."

I shook my head, "I just talked to her earlier. I'm going to be in Virginia. I'm using those days off to spend some time catching up with my family. I've been so busy lately, and spending most of my time in Florida, I haven't had much time for them. But I'll talk to you later, I want to give Nick a call."

I left her standing there, and entered the locker room to finish packing my things up and then I set off to find some peace and quiet. I ended up inside an empty room, and pulled out my cell phone and dialled Nick's number. He answered on the third ring sounding groggy.

"Hey, sorry for waking you, I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Don't apologize, I'm glad you called. How is everything? Are you doing okay?"

"I could be better," I laughed slightly.

"Why what's up?"

I shook my head, "Nothing …much. I almost got into a fistfight with Randy's girlfriend, no big deal."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

"She went on a really beautiful rant on twitter about me. It was all very professional. I guess I sort of snapped."

"Good."

"What?"

He chuckled, "Come on Mickie, sometimes you are entirely too nice. I kind of wish you would have gotten in a good slap."

"She seems like the type to have pressed charges just to spite me."

"I doubt Randy would have allowed that."

"It's amazing what Randy has been allowing," I muttered, "Anyway, I miss you and I'm hoping to make it out there tomorrow evening, so let me know what your plans are, okay?"

We talked for a little while longer, exchanging stories and I got the distinct impression he was trying very hard to cheer me up. He succeeded slightly, at least while we were talking, because the moment we ended the conversation, my bad mood returned and I found myself once again obsessing over the past. Fortunately, or not so fortunately depending on how you wanted to look at it, I was pulled from my own pity party when I crossed paths with Randy later that evening. He had a water bottle in hand and a towel draped across his shoulders which meant he'd just finished up his match.

"Mickie," I ignored him and picked up my pace. It was futile though, because he caught up to me quickly and pulled me to a stop. "Can we talk?"

"There's nothing left to say, Randy. Nothing."

"Please," he grabbed my arm again and I shoved him, viciously enough he stumbled backwards.

"You don't get to say anything!" I half-shouted, the emotion clear in my voice, "You know what I went through back then! What we went through. I watched you almost kill yourself! I sacrificed so much for you and stayed with you even when I was so emotionally exhausted from your self-destructive personality that I needed a therapist. And I never expected anything in return because I wanted to be there for you. I never held it against you as some sort of bargaining chip or as a way to punish you. And here you are condemning me to your new girlfriend and allowing her to post about our private life on the internet!"

"Mickie, I didn't know that she was going to do that…"

"That knowledge is really helpful, thank you. That makes me feel so much better. You know, I've been putting up with hate from people all over the world since the moment we started dating, and I've learned to ignore it. I still receive hate from those who have no clue what they're talking about! It's a part of our world, of our life, and if she can't deal with that maturely, then maybe she needs to think about getting rid of her twitter account." I shook my head bitterly, and rubbed my hands down my face, feeling exhausted, "We're done, Randy, just …stay away from me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and throw up."

I hated how much this was affecting me. I was supposed to have moved on from this, Randy and his baggage wasn't supposed to be affecting me anymore. And yet, here I was, sick to my stomach and unable to think of anything else, acting out in a way that made me feel ashamed. Would this always be my life? Would I never be permitted the opportunity to move on? What made me feel even sicker was that a part of me wanted that, because I didn't completely want to let go of my old life. It was the uncertainty that was gnawing at. Was I supposed to let go? Or was I supposed to fight? And how am I supposed to know what the right decision was? So many questions with no answers.

Thanks for the reviews! I feel like I might be starting to sound like a broken record, but really I can't thank all of you enough for reading :)