Disclaimer: I do not own anything from SOA.
A/N: I went a little long on this one, I'd say sorry but I'm pretty sure that none of you are going to mind. Once again, thanks for all the favorites, follows, pm's, reviews and just for being awesome and taking this trip with me.
Big thanks go to R3-1 M4y3r for literally saving this chapter from the scrap heap because it just wasn't right! Special thanks to the Freak Circle for always being there when I need a smile or laugh.
CHAPTER THIRTY SIX
Through a haze of pain Juice wondered just how much more he could take of either the knife in Anthony's hands or the words coming out of his mouth. There was no clock in the room, he didn't know how long this had been going on for, it might have been hours or days or maybe just a matter of minutes.
The small cuts Anthony was making were bleeding pretty heavily, if one stopped he would deliberately reopen it, cutting deeper each time. While the knife moved against his skin Anthony kept telling him that Lia was dead because of the Sons, that Madeline had pulled the trigger and that his brothers weren't looking for him.
"Doesn't matter if you're dead or alive because you're as good as dead to them. Do you really think they're going to risk everything just for you?" Anthony placed the knife neatly down on the tray that he'd carried over.
"Fuck you," Juice snarled the words, watched Anthony turn away. When he turned back around with a container in his hands, Juice knew that he was fucked by the smile on Anthony's face. He'd seen that smile before, on Happy's face when he was allowed to do his thing.
"I'm going to give you a chance to think about things Juice, I've got somewhere to be." Anthony moved back over to the table, continued to smile as he took the lid off of the container. "This is common table salt," he explained as he dumped the contents onto Juice's exposed and heavily slashed abdomen, "you know the old expression to rub salt in a wound, right? Well, it is actually rather painful."
Juice screamed through clenched teeth, his vision blurred at the pain. Fuck, where ever his brothers were looking for him they needed to get here faster. If he survived he'd tell Hap about the agony of the salt but he couldn't really see surviving.
The pain raged through him but eventually his mind went somewhere else, to a place where his life wasn't about to end very fucking painfully, to a place where he wasn't a complete and total idiot. If he got out of this, things were going to change.
36 36
There was too much time to think, Madeline couldn't stop thinking about what had happened, kept replaying in her head, over and over again, the sound of the shots that had killed Lia and nearly killed her. She hadn't noticed anything, it wasn't that much of a surprise really she seemed to get herself caught in the worst situations. Madeline lit a cigarette from her perch on top of the picnic table and watched three bikes pull into the lot. Immediately she recognized Quinn, sighed to herself.
They'd gotten along well for a few months when Happy had been inside, until he'd tried to turn her friendship with Opie into something more. After that she'd turned frosty to him when she'd always tried to be nice. She had simply come to accept that Quinn didn't like her, she wasn't going to be able to change that.
He'd most likely be thrilled if he knew of Happy's threat, hell he'd be offering him a spot as a Nomad in no time. Madeline tossed what remained of her cigarette and watched the bikes come to a stop. She didn't recognize the two men with him but then again the Nomads hadn't been around all that much lately.
Quinn strode over to the picnic table. "Madeline." The two with him hung back, both lit cigarettes and turned their attention to the pack of crow eaters who always seemed to be around.
"Hello Quinn," she didn't bother to try to smile, "how are you?"
"Tired, really tired," he replied, "and hungry. There food inside?"
"There is," she replied, "I'll make you a plate if you want." Madeline offered just to get out of this awkward conversation.
"Do that," he told her, "I'm going to head inside, get my guys settled in."
"I think Jax wanted to talk to you, I'll take them in, the girls will follow and then they'll take care of them."
"Leo. Jacob." Quinn motioned for the two men to come over. "This is Madeline, she's Hap's Old Lady."
"It's nice to meet you both, come on I'll take you inside so you can get settled," she told them even as she saw the group of crow eaters easing closer to the door.
"Leave that redhead alone," Quinn told them, "that one is mine, well at least for tonight."
36 36
Happy glanced over at Tig, the former SAA was staring out the window of the pick up truck they'd borrowed from Unser Trucking. They were waiting for Anthony Tran to leave after identifying Lia's body, Skeeter was set to meet him there in twenty minutes to pick up the body and take it to be burned.
"I hate sitting and waiting," Tig tapped his fingers against his thigh, "just want to get this shit going, you know?"
"Yeah," Happy got it, he'd much rather be doing something but there were times that you just had to sit and wait, this was one of them. There was too much time to think when he was just sitting there, he didn't want to think about Madeline. Hell, she hadn't been Madeline when he left the yard and that was on him. He'd just wanted to make her a little scared, to realize how many chances she took so that she could stop and he wouldn't have to fucking worry, maybe he'd done it a little too well.
36 36
The kitchen was finally restored to normal order, dishes done and put away. Madeline had even managed to get the counters sparkling, in other words she was killing time. Aiden was playing with his new best buddies Abel and Thomas, the slight age difference hadn't stopped them from forming some sort of bond.
"You done yet?" Quinn spoke from the doorway and Madeline jumped, she hadn't been expecting him to come looking for her even though he'd made himself clear that they needed to talk when she'd brought him over a heaping plate of food earlier.
"Just about," she turned to face him, "what's up?"
"Not here," he shook his head, "be out front in five minutes."
It was clearly an order, Maddy couldn't deny that and she'd be out there because she really didn't want to get any further on Quinn's bad side, especially if things with Happy didn't get better. Even if he did leave her, and that thought nearly brought her to her knees, she wanted him to be around for Aiden, not somewhere else riding with Quinn and his Nomads.
She went outside in what she'd been wearing all day, a pair of jeans, flats and a stretchy tee shirt, the air was chillier than it had been and the sky looked like it was going to rain. Quinn was sitting on the picnic table, a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. "Sit."
Would it have killed him to say please? Madeline pushed the thought down, carefully smiled as she did so. "What do you want to talk to me about Quinn?"
"Hear you got yourself in the line of fire again," he took a swig from the bottle, "can't help yourself, can you?"
Madeline bit back the reply that was on her tongue. If she was too take what Happy had said literally, listening to what he said would mean be nice to Quinn. "Apparently not." It was the best thing she could think of to say.
"Had a girl like you once, was set on inking her and keeping her for the rest of my life," he took a deep drag off of the cigarette, "spent a while together and then things started to break down, started rotting and we both knew it was over. I didn't want to admit it, tried to tell myself it would turn around. It didn't."
"What happened to her?"
"Fuck if I know," he replied, "I came back from a run and she was gone. Left a note that she couldn't do it, couldn't take the life I lead."
"You didn't look for her?"
"Nope," he exhaled a stream of smoke, "and I loved that little bitch, really fucking loved her but she made her choice."
Madeline took in what he said, it hit a little close to home for her and made her wonder just who hadn't heard about the one sided conversation they'd had. It was embarrassing but more than that, more than Happy's cool goodbye, it made her realize just what a fucked situation she was in.
"Tell me that you're not crying," Quinn said a moment later, "Jesus, turn off the water works."
"You don't like me because you think I'm like her," Madeline dried her tears as quickly as she could. "I'm not like her, I don't run. I'll never run on Happy, no matter what happens."
"A blind man could see that," he replied, "used to think that you were like her but you're not." Quinn pitched his cigarette onto the ground. "You're good for him."
The only way that Madeline could have been more surprised would have been if Quinn leaped off of the picnic table and launched into one of the musical numbers from Grease. Quinn thought that she was good for Happy? That was likely a sign of an impending apocalypse in her mind. "Thank you." She stammered out the words after several minutes of tense silence. "I'm lucky to have him and I won't screw it up anymore."
"What's that mean?" Quinn questioned, Madeline swore to herself realizing that she'd just put her foot in her mouth. Of course he was going to ask what she meant, she'd opened herself up to a conversation she didn't want to have.
"It means that you should ask my Old Man," she replied, "can I get you another drink?"
"Get me that redhead from earlier," he smirked, "send her out with a bottle."
"I can do that," truthfully she was just glad that the conversation was getting dropped that easily, "she'll be right out." Madeline hurried away to get the girl, she didn't want to spend the night in the clubhouse so she'd volunteer for kid duty and spend a little time catching up on her reading.
36 36
Somehow Tran had slipped through there carefully set up trap to catch him. Happy and Tig hadn't been the only ones waiting for the man to drive past, there were two other cars in the opposite direction but somehow the slippery little bastard had gotten out of there without them seeing him. Even Skeeter couldn't tell them how he'd done it and he'd been right behind the man. Lia's body was currently in one of his ovens, no family had wanted to come and view the process.
Jax had been pissed, everyone was stressed and they were close to being at each other's throats. "Alright, Quinn and his guys had a chance to rest up. They're going to hit these other places, see if they can get an idea where they're keeping Juice. Everyone else, back to the club house. Sleep, eat, fuck. Do whatever you need to do to clear your head because we're back out here in six hours."
There was no arguing with the President so Happy headed back to the club house, he was glad to see that the lot was manned and could make out the shape of someone on the roof. Despite the armed guards it was peaceful with no loud music and only a few lights burning.
Happy parked his bike and headed inside. The first thing that he noticed was that Madeline wasn't with Luann as had become her habit lately, the two women seemed closer to one another than anyone else.
Luann waved when she saw him, with a smile she moved her head towards the room in answer to his unasked question. Madeline wasn't hanging out, she was back in the rooms. He headed straight back, in the hallway he heard the sound of her voice.
She was reading to the kids, some shit about a wizard on a quest, it didn't matter what she was saying the tone of her voice said it all, she was relaxed and it had been a while since he'd heard her like that.
Madeline continued to read even when Happy stepped into the room, the three boys provided a rapt audience for her so she kept going, still making the goofy voices and expressions they enjoyed as much as the story. Finally the book was done, there was no stalling it any longer.
"It's time for bed guys, no arguing." She knew that they wouldn't argue with Happy there, he was obviously much more intimidating than she was.
Happy watched as the boys got into the toddler beds someone had found, all three were obviously tired and didn't make any fuss as she tucked them in. He moved forward as well, kissing his son and touching Abel and Thomas on the head. "Don't get out of those beds," he told them. "Good Night."
"Night Da." Aiden's eyes were already heavy with sleep, the other two boys didn't seem too far behind."
Did you eat, should I get you something?" Madeline offered after she'd said good night to the boys as well. "Or do you need a shower, I'll get you fresh clothes."
"I could eat," he took hold of her arm as she went to shut the door, "you eat anything?"
"I'm fine. I'll go get you something."
"You eat anything?" he repeated.
"No," she admitted, "I got the kids fed and I wasn't really hungry."
"You'll eat now," he told her, his voice coming across a little bit too gruff, "I can get it."
"No," Madeline shook her head, "you go on to the room. I can see how tired you are and I know that you want a shower. I'll get it. I'm sure that you don't have a lot of time, all of this isn't over."
"No, it's not," Happy confirmed, she looked up at him, "got six hours before we're back out."
"You need to get some sleep," she told him, "go shower and I'll get the food."
For the first time since their conversation, Happy felt himself genuinely smile. "You telling me what to do Girl?" It was a variation of something he'd said to her more times than he could count, her answer never changed. She'd say that she was just suggesting he do whatever and then she'd give him that smile and he'd know that everything was okay with them.
"I wouldn't do that," Madeline didn't smile, she just tucked her hair behind her ears, "I'll be right back with the food." She eased her arm out of his grip and slipped out of the room. It didn't take long to make a plate full of food for him and warm it up.
The shower was running when she made her way into the room, she set the food down and grabbed clothes for him to change into and tossed them onto the chair. She remade the bed carefully and fluffed his pillows up a little.
Happy watched her from the door, he'd just been ready to step under the spray when he'd heard the door shut. Quietly he moved to stand behind her, she jumped when his hand settled on her hip. "Scared you?"
"I thought that you were in the shower," Madeline relaxed against his touch, she wanted to lean back in to him but didn't know if he wanted that.
"I'm about to be," he let his fingers slip under her tee shirt, "might need someone to soap up my back."
"If that's what you want..." Madeline stepped away from his touch, took off her flats.
"It ain't what you want?" His eyes narrowed, anger flared for a second and grew when she took a step back. "Asked you a question."
"I didn't say that," but she really wasn't feeling the least bit romantic right now, she was too busy thinking about everything that she'd do or say to be romantic. One little slip and he'd be out of her life; it was too much to think about, to know that he was willing to walk away from all they had because of something that he didn't approve of. Underneath the feeling of walking through water there was an anger that she didn't dare tap into in case her losing her temper what the thing that would push him into walking out the door.
"Didn't need too," he commented, she was as stiff as a board and there was no trace of arousal on her face, "you good Girl?" Happy had seen Madeline in a lot of moods but none like this. She was in front of him but it wasn't her, not really.
Madeline nodded, reached down to pull her shirt up over her head. "We should go in before the water gets cold," she said simply as she unhooked her bra. Even the act of undressing didn't begin to arouse her at all, in fact she'd never been less excited at the idea of being with him and that made her sad.
"I'll warm you up," he took a step forward, undid her belt and jeans so that they fell to the floor, "the fuck are those?"
"They're panties." Madeline looked down at the underwear she'd pulled on that morning.
"They're huge Mad, I could fit them."
"They're comfortable," she slipped out of them and after a moment of thought tossed them into the trash can, "if you don't like them I won't wear them again." Now she had one more thing to worry about, him not approving of what she wore. Was that going to be enough to send him out the door? It was like the world was spinning out of control and she didn't like the feeling at all.
"I like you in nothing," he grinned down at her.
"I'm in nothing now," Madeline replied.
"I can see that," Happy reached out to trace his fingers over her stomach, "we should probably get you a test soon, shoulda been that time of month already."
"I'm not pregnant," Madeline didn't meet his eyes, "I had a test leftover from last month so I took it."
"And you didn't mention it?" Happy asked, his fingers continued to move over her stomach but his mind was suddenly elsewhere. Since when did she not tell him things? Who was this woman in front of him? Where had his little redheaded devil gone? The one who told him everything and anything. It wasn't just the granny panties or the way she wouldn't meet his eyes. Something had changed in her since the night that Lia had been killed.
"It was the night that... the night that I screwed up with Lia," she admitted, "I guess after everything I really wasn't thinking about the negative pregnancy test."
"Shoulda told me," his hands moved to her hips, pulled her close, "don't worry, it'll happen."
"You still want it to happen?" Madeline looked up at him.
"Yeah," he frowned, his grip tightened, "you saying you don't?"
"I'm saying that if you have doubts about staying with me, we probably shouldn't be trying to get pregnant. If I do something you don't like..." she let the words trail off.
"Sounds like you're the one with doubts," he took his hands off of her, "also sounds like you aren't in the mood for a fucking shower."
"I didn't say that and I am standing here naked," she pointed out, "I'm not trying to upset you. That's the last thing that I want. I'm trying to be who you want Hap, I'm fucking trying." Her voice cracked then, tears had been her friend for the past few days coming at the most awkward times.
He watched as the tears rolled down her cheeks but when he went to touch her she pulled back from him. She'd never pulled back from him before. He watched as she grabbed her clothes, started to pull them back on. "Hey," he reached out and grabbed her arm, "come here."
"Is this like if you ask me to jump, should I say how close instead of how high? Jesus, if you don't want to be with me just leave me!" She was shouting now, her voice echoing off the walls.
"The fuck are you talking about?" Happy demanded, his voice rose to match hers because he couldn't believe what he was hearing, basically she'd just told him that she was waiting for him to walk out the door. "I ain't going anywhere!"
"That's not what the fuck you said the other night!" Madeline knew that she should calm down but she couldn't. No, it wasn't that she couldn't, it was that she wouldn't. She wouldn't cower to him, she'd tried it and it sucked. She knew that after just a few days of it. "You told me that we're done if I don't do what you want to do. How dare you? You knew who I was when we met, you knew who I was when you asked me to be your Old Lady and marry you! You knew and I was good enough but now..." she shook her head. "It's been a while since I felt good enough, even before the other night."
Silence fell over the room after the last word. Happy breathed in an out in a desperate attempt to calm down because he'd never felt the way he did before. "Not good enough?" He managed to speak with effort, how could she not feel good enough? She was his everything, she had to know that.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter," she pulled back but he tightened his grip, for the first time she feared that he was going to actually physically hurt her. Fear coiled in her stomach as he pulled her so she was flush against his body.
"It matters," his voice was a harsh whisper in her ear, "tell me."
"You don't have time for this right now, the food is getting cold and the water in the shower is getting cold." Madeline gave him every chance to get out of the conversation because she wished that she'd never said a word.
"I don't give a fuck about that," he told her. All he wanted to know was why the fuck she'd hidden the way she was feeling from him. "Tell me."
"I shouldn't have said anything, it's nothing. Please."
"God damn it Mad, talk to me." Happy's grip was tight on her hips. "Please." He added.
Her eyes met his as she heard the word, it was very rare that he'd say it. "These past few months, everything's been so tense and it's like... it's like we don't see each other anymore even if we're right next to each other.
"Mad," he sighed and ran his hands over her sides, "why didn't you say anything?"
"What could I say?" She shrugged her shoulders. "I get that part of that was my fault, after the shit I pulled with Kozik but I thought that you'd have been proud of me. I didn't stand by and just let something happen, I did something. Something that I think you would have done in my place, you wouldn't have left any of of your brothers out there. Especially Kozik."
Happy couldn't say that she was wrong, in her place he'd have done the same thing and theyoth knew it. "Mad, you're not me and I don't want you to be. I need to know that you're safe so that I can do what I need to do."
"Do you think that I don't know I'm not you?" Again she was screaming, her hands now clenched with anger as she tried to push him back but he wouldn't budge. "I just want to be me, not some fucking robot that follows every order you say! I don't want to be scared that the next pair of panties I put on that you don't like or the next fucking steak that I burn is what sends you walking out the door. I don't want to have to live like that. I won't live like that!"
"I never said..."
"Yes, you DID!" She shoved at him with enough force for him to release her. Madeline took several stumbling steps backwards, her heart pounding in her throat. "You said it that night and it made everything make fucking sense that you were looking for a way out. You want out? There's the door."
"Calm down," he told her honestly worried that she was going to give herself a stroke or something. Her face was red, she was breathing rapidly and he could see the way that she was shaking.
"Fuck calm, calm was three exits back. I'm a real person with real fucking feelings and I can't just shut them off! I can't be that type of woman Happy, not even for you."
"I don't want a fucking robot! I didn't run out the door when I saw those ugly ass grandma panties did I? No, I'm right here because it's where I want to be."
"Could have fooled me," she replied. She was no longer screaming but the anger was still rolling off of her in waves. "How could you even say that to me? How could you tell me that we'd be through? How do you love me if you could just walk away?"
"I was trying to scare some sense into you!" Happy roared the words and moved forward. He grabbed her by the arms and pulled her back to him. "I couldn't take losing you Mad, not to some fucking bullshit like you going behind my back to talk to Lia and I could have!"
"She was my only fucking friend, did you ever take that into consideration Asshole?" Madeline made no effort to pull away from him because she was all too aware that it might be the last time he held her.
"Mad, you've got a lot of friends."
"I've got a lot of friends here in the club but outside of the club, Lia was it! Mind you she might not have been a good friend in the end but she was all that I had! And you acted like that didn't matter, you didn't even think about it!"
Happy hadn't thought of that honestly, Madeline always seemed so content. "You should have said something."
"You should have known," she shot back, "at least known that something was going on with me but you didn't. You just kept on like nothing was wrong and there was something wrong and I didn't think I could talk to you about it."
"You can talk to me about anything," he told her, the anger gone from his voice because she was right. He'd never even given her friendship with Lia much thought after everything that had happened.
"Well, it doesn't feel like that. Hasn't in a long time. This is your out Hap, you can walk away free and clear. I won't make it hard for you, I won't keep Aiden away from you." There was no way she could fight the tears that burned her eyes any longer so she let them fall, waited for him to tell her that he was taking her offer, that he was leaving, that she was alone.
"Fuck your out," he growled the words, "I ain't going anywhere."
"Don't just say that! Don't say it because you think it's what I want to hear."
"I don't do that, not even for you. Fuck Mad, I love you. I married you, put my ink on you. You think that I'd have done any of that if I didn't want this to be forever?"
"I know that you proposed to me so that Eve could see us married," she blurted out the words, she'd overheard several conversations between the two of them, "and I didn't care because I love you and I wanted to be with you but I keep thinking that it wasn't what you really wanted."
"I wasn't going to ask you so soon," he admitted, "so you're right, I asked when I did because of Ma but I would have asked regardless." Happy ran his hands down her sides to rest on her hips. "I love you Girl, ain't shit that you can do to change that. I told you, I'm not good at this shit."
"You're not that bad," she relented and finally met his eyes, "maybe I'm not that great at it either."
Happy leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. It was too easy to lift her up off of the ground. Madeline remained still for a moment, just letting him hold her off the ground but then she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. She realized that Luann had been right, she'd scared him. In return he'd scared her, did that make them even? Or did it make her weak that she just wanted him?
Happy moved to the bed and sat down with her in his lap. "You tried to tell me something that night, I didn't let you. Tell me now." He'd been so angry that night that he'd literally seen red as he walked past the blood on his front porch.
"I was being careful Hap, at least I thought that I was. I wouldn't let her in the house. I never thought that anything would happen on the porch," she rested her forehead against his, "I didn't let her inside because I didn't trust her but there was something, something that made me want to hear her out. She was my only friend outside of the club Hap, my only friend and she was scared."
Happy hadn't heard her speak so fast since when they first met and he still made her nervous enough to babble. "What happened?"
"She offered to blow her brains out if I didn't like what she said and I think she was serious. She talked about what happened to her and about Anthony, she said that he wasn't the man she thought he was and that he was as bad as Michael." Madeline rested her head against his, right after Lia had admitted that the shots had rang out. "And then the guy started shooting."
"Tell me about him."
"I don't remember much."
"Shut your eyes, think about it and tell me."
Madeline sighed but did as he asked. It didn't bring much back. "He was on the short side, shorter than you. I think that he was Asian but I couldn't really tell. He was dressed down, jeans and a sweatshirt."
"That's good Mad, that's real good." He stroked his hands over her back. "I should have listened to you that night." And from everything that she'd just said, he should have listened to her before that night. Now that she'd pointed out the way things had changed with them he could see them. "I love you," he knew that he didn't say the words as often as she needed them.
"I'm scared that's not enough anymore Hap."
"It is," anger flared behind his dark eyes, "it's more than enough for us."
"As long as I keep in line?" Madeline ran her hands over his shoulders softly.
"Smart ass," he smiled slightly, "I just want you to be safe Baby, that's all I'm asking."
"I'll try, it's just hard to turn off what my gut tells me is right to do," she kept her head against his, "I know that this doesn't make everything right but it's a start, right?"
"Yeah Mad, it's a start," He ran his hands over her back. "Say it?"
"I love you."
"Love you too Girl." Happy brought his hands up to cup her face, covered her mouth with his. He kept the kiss slow and broke it before he could get completely distracted. "Come on, let's get in the shower and then eat."
She kept herself wrapped around him as he rose to his feet and there was no way he was going to let her drop, she knew that. "I'm sorry that I scared you."
"I know you didn't mean too," he kicked the bathroom door closed behind them. It was time to take care of his wife, to make her realize that everything he'd said to her was true. He'd said what he had out of anger and to make a point, maybe at that moment he would have walked away but he knew that he'd have come back. He'd never expected to fall in love, never wanted to fall in love but the woman before him had changed all that.