Strength and Healing

Chapter 34

AN: So, Donald Trump is the president. I'm not sure how evident it is in this story (cough cough sarcasm cough) but I'm not happy about that. You guys, I am heartbroken at the state of our world, and I try to do whatever I can to spread militant peace and unspeakable love. I realize the seriousness of the content I write and I know that lots of survivors read my stories. I want everyone to know that I am always a safe space for venting, disclosures of any kind, and advice. Thank you all for sticking with me through this rollercoaster we call life. Here is chapter 34.

Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.

I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.

–Gabby

"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."

-Unknown

The night before the twins were to start school, JJ and Emily had the BAU team over for a family gathering. Over the past few weeks, the team had gotten to know Tony and Chess, and were just as smitten with them as their foster moms. The twins even seemed to be pretty comfortable with them. Francesca had bonded with Penelope and Tony had bonded with Morgan.

JJ was pulled away from the kitchen table where Spencer was attempting to remind Francesca how to play chess when her cell phone rang. It was Annie, who knew the twins had their first day of school the next day and wanted to know when she would be able to meet them.

"Mom, you know we have a lot of stuff going on right now. They are so easily overwhelmed, and with Emily going back to work tomorrow-"

"With Emily going back to work tomorrow," Annie interrupted, "you're going to need the help more than ever. C'mon, Jenny, I'm not asking you to call me grandma. I just want to get to know them. They seem like great kids."

JJ sighed. "They are. They're so great, mom. They're amazing and they're so brave, and I'm getting really attached to them and I'm just afraid—"

Annie interrupted again, knowing her daughter incredibly well. "—that if you integrate them completely into your life, it'll be impossible to give them up."

"Yeah," JJ admitted shakily, closing the door to her bedroom. "I love them and Emily loves them and Morgan loves them and Spencer loves them and the rest of the team loves them. And I know you're going to love them. They've barely been here for two months and I catch myself referring to them as our kids in my head. I don't know what to do, Mom."

"I think you need to take everything day by day, darling, just like everything else. Have you spoken to Emily about this?"

"I haven't spoken to Emily about much lately, actually."

"And why is that?" Annie interrogated.

"I've just been dealing with a lot, Mom. I'm okay though."

"I don't see why you would think that's an excuse to pull back from your wife, Jenny. I would say it's a perfect reason to open up to her more, don't you think?"

"Yeah, Emily said the same thing," she said hurriedly. "Look, mom, we have some stuff to do before tomorrow morning, so I've got to go. I promise you'll meet the twins soon. Love you."

JJ heard her mom sigh disappointedly on the other end of the phone. "Love you too, baby."

The blonde opened her bedroom door to find her wife standing outside of it, preparing to knock. "Who called?" Emily asked casually.

"Oh, just my mom checking in," JJ replied with faked nonchalance.

Emily hadn't changed the way she approached her support in JJ's healing process, but in the last few weeks, the younger woman had felt smothered and invaded by her wife's concern. She knew logically that nothing had changed in Emily and the sole culprit for the change in their dynamic was herself, but it was easier for the blonde to deny, deny, deny, and blame Emily for the discomfort that had settled between them.

"Oh?" Emily prompted with interest, hoping against hope her wife would start a conversation with her. She had barely initiated more than small talk in the past few weeks, and it was so uncharacteristic for her that Emily had really started to worry.

JJ just gave her wife a small nod in acknowledgement and then walked past her to go sit with Chess and Spence. They didn't pressure her to talk.

Emily sighed in frustration. Was it really a good time for her to go back to work? Could she use the twins going to school as a way to trap JJ alone in the house with her? Would she talk if there was nothing else to occupy her cluttered mind? Emily loved how her wife had learned to live life on her own terms, but the stubbornness that came with that had often times built a wall in between them. Emily usually knew how to knock it down, but this time, she was at a loss. The blonde had never been so unwilling to talk to her, and the brunette didn't know what to do.

The next morning, Emily had planned to drive the twins to school and then head to work, picking them up on her way home. Hotch had insisted that Emily pull desk duty for the next few weeks at least before going back to traveling for cases, and though a part of Emily wanted to challenge her boss on that, she knew she needed to be at home as much as possible.

"Are you excited to go back to school today, Chess?" JJ asked the little girl as she braided her hair. Chess shrugged. "Are you nervous?" The girl shrugged again. JJ sighed. "Why don't you want to talk to me about this, sweetie? It's important to talk about these things."

Francesca looked up at JJ through the mirror. "You don't really believe that," she accused.

"What do you mean, Francesca?" JJ's eyes narrowed in confusion. "Of course I believe that."

"No, you don't." JJ couldn't decide if she was proud of her foster daughter for taking a stand and not worrying that she would be in trouble or annoyed at her for questioning her intentions. "You don't talk to Emily anymore. And I can tell she's really sad about it. Why don't you talk to her?"

JJ took a deep breath. "I do talk to Emily, sweetheart. I talk to Emily all the time." The blood put the hair tie in Francesca's hair and went to kneel next to her.

The girl turned to face her. "Emily always says that if you don't talk about things, you have a lot of nightmares. I don't want you to have nightmares, JJ. Can you talk to Emily please?"

JJ smiled sadly. "Sometimes, it's really hard to talk about the things that scare you."

Francesca nodded. "I know. You're scared that someone is going to tell you that you should be scared. You're scared that the stuff you're scared of is real. But talking to someone is the only way to know that it's not real."

"You're really smart, tiny human, you know that?"

Francesca smiled cheekily. "That's why you call me Chess."

There was a knock on the door before Emily cracked it open. "You look beautiful, princess," the brunette told Francesca, receiving a goofy smile in return. "You ready, bug?"

Francesca nodded, deciding to confide in Emily instead of JJ. "I'm a little scared. Will you walk to my class with me and meet my teacher?" The blonde couldn't help the hurt reaction that spread on her face.

Was she pushing her kids away too? Gah! There it is again.

They're not my kids.

"Of course, love. Go ahead and grab your backpack and I'll meet you guys by the front door."

Francesca gave JJ a quick hug and a pointed look before trotting out of the room in search of her brother. Emily opened her mouth to say something to JJ, but the blonde spoke first. "Will you pick up dinner on the way home?" she said absently, cleaning up the hair products that had been splayed across Chess's desk. "We don't have much in the refrigerator." The blonde barely waited for a response in the form of a nod before striding out of the bedroom to say bye to Tony.

Emily joined the trio by the door. "Alright, munchkins, why don't you go ahead and get in the car? I'll be right out." The kids skipped out the door and Emily closed it behind them.

JJ knew she was trapped. She couldn't help the sweat beginning to pool on her palms and forehead. "Jen." Emily's voice was pained. "You gotta talk to me, baby. I don't know what to do."

"Emily, I'm not ready to talk." JJ tried to step past Emily, but the older profiler blocked her. "Em, please let me by. I'm tired. I need to go lie down."

Emily nodded sadly before moving slightly to the left, letting her wife walk by her. "Jen?"

JJ stopped walking. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

JJ looked down at the ground, her voice breaking. "I love you too." She continued her journey into the bedroom and closed the door, listening for the sound of the brunette's car driving away.

The brunette had always been careful with sex, especially when it came to touching the younger woman's neck. JJ had always assured her girlfriend that she was okay and was not bothered by Emily kissing her neck, but her reaction to the touch didn't corroborate that story.

Emily was very conflicted. She didn't know if she should trust the confident voice telling her she was fine or the nervous tension in JJ's body that screamed the opposite. On the day she found out the answer to that question, it had been about six months since the two women had had their first date and JJ had admitted to Emily that she had experienced abuse in past sexual relationships. The stories that had been told to her were vague and fuzzy, which made sense because sharing with Emily often felt like remembering a bad dream to JJ herself.

On this particular night, JJ and Emily had spent time in the house they had recently bought together. The brunette had made a romantic dinner and JJ was still in awe at the level of care Emily treated her with. They were lying together in the afterglow of sex when Emily decided to press a kiss to the hollow of her girlfriend's neck. It was chaste in every way, but it lingered, and there was a point where she felt JJ's whole body tense below her and she gasped for air. In that moment, everything slowed down. Emily pulled away, attempting to meet JJ's gaze, which was behind and above her.

Emily had never blatantly brought it up with her girlfriend, but she was beginning to suspect that JJ was suffering from extreme post-traumatic stress.

God, JJ was textbook PTSD.

"Jen," Emily spoke softly. "Baby, it's okay. It's me, it's Emily."

The brunette decided to give JJ some space for a moment, rolling off of her entirely, leaving a hand brushing sweaty blonde strands back their only remaining physical contact. Emily knew the only thing she could do was wait for JJ to come back to her, and then maybe they could talk.

After a few minutes, Emily saw JJ's eyes meet her own. "Emily," the blonde whispered, getting a small smile in response.

"I'm here, sweetheart," Emily assured here. "I promise it's just me."

A tear escaped on of JJ's eyes. "I'm really sorry, Em."

"Shhh," Emily cooed, wiping away the tear. "You didn't do anything wrong, my love."

"Yes, I did," JJ forced. "I thought you were…I thought—how is that okay?" she choked out.

Emily moved to wrap both arms around her future wife. "My sweet girl, what's not okay is what happened to make you react to my touch that way. Your reaction is completely understandable. Can you tell me what I did so I know not to do it again?"

"Um…you didn't really do anything, I just…." She trailed off.

"It's okay, baby. Tell me what happened," Emily coaxed her shaky girlfriend gently, continuing to gingerly play with her hair, an action the brunette knew comforted JJ very much.

"One of my other girlfriends, the last one," JJ clarified, "liked to choke me. I know some people are into that. I'm not."

Emily nodded slowly, trying to maintain a poker face. "Keep going, love." JJ looked at her, unsure. "Whatever it is…it's not going to happen to you ever again, I promise you. You're safe now."

JJ nodded, sighing shakily. "She would use the weight of her body to hold me down, and…she would wrap both hands around my neck and kiss it—like you did—at the same time. I, um, I started to associate that type of kissing with not being able to breathe. Em?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Do you think that maybe we could try that again, so I can break the association?"

Emily smiled, reaching for her girlfriend's hand. "I think that's a great idea. You've had an exhausting night though, so we can talk about it more in the morning."

JJ nodded, cuddling in closer to Emily. "Can I tell you something?"

"Always."

"I think I have PTSD."

When Emily and the kids came home that evening, JJ was still in bed. The brunette fed the twins and helped them with their homework assignments, before helping them get ready to settle in for the evening. Both of them were in bed by nine, and then Emily decided it was time to get to the bottom of what was going on with her wife.

Emily slowly padded into the room and changed into sleeping clothes. She then gingerly climbed onto the bed, surprised when a startled JJ sat up with a start. She had clearly had a nightmare. Emily immediately launched into reassurance mode. "Hey," she whispered, reaching a hand out towards her wife. "Easy, my love. Easy. It's just me."

JJ sniffed, shaking the nightmare out of her head. "Sorry," she mumbled, wiping sweat from her face.

Emily nodded. "It's okay," she promised, becoming frustrated when JJ looked like she was ready to go quiet again and lie back down in bed. "Jen, this has gone on for too long," the brunette blurted. Emily was not one to pressure her wife into talking, but she couldn't take it anymore. "You need to talk to me and you need to talk to me now."

JJ was flabbergasted. This was a new side of her wife; her words were so incredibly desperate. JJ knew she couldn't maintain her silence anymore. She didn't even know where to start. So, she just voiced one of the things that had been on her mind. "Justin Shaffer killed those women because of me. It's my fault." JJ knew the younger Shaffer brother had committed those crimes to get the BAU's attention, so he could finish his brother Jackson's plan to kill JJ.

Emily knew this is how JJ's mind worked. She would say nothing for the longest time, but when she was ready to blow, there was no time for pleasantries or introductions. The brunette followed her wife's lead and dove right in. "No, it's not, Jen. It was his decision to kidnap those couples. This isn't on you, love. This is on him."

JJ had an arsenal of proof prepared and wasn't going to let her wife win the battle of whose fault it was this time. "Emily. If you found out that there was another case connected to mine, if Jackson Shaffer murdered Annabelle, Sasha, Elizabeth, and Ivana, and abducted me because of some other case, tell me you wouldn't blame the people involved in the other case."

Emily stuttered. "I can't say that I would."

"But you can't say that you wouldn't."

"Baby," Emily sighed. "That's a totally different situation. It's not the same thing."

"It is!" JJ pressed.

"No. It isn't."

"Yes, it is. Those women had lives," she explained. "They were wives and daughters and friends. Just like I am a wife and a daughter and a friend. They had Emilys and Annies and Penelopes."

Emily knew what JJ was trying to say, but it didn't mean anything. "That doesn't change the fact that it's not your fault. They're still totally separate events, both of which are entirely the fault of the perpetrator, and you know that."

JJ sighed shakily, wiping away a tear that had begun to fall. "I know. I just…it's been too much lately. With everything…since my birthday."

Emily reached to brush a strand of JJ's hair behind her ear and let her fingers linger to graze across her flushed cheek. "I know, sweetheart. Which is why…which is why I talked to Hotch today about setting up an appointment with Dr. Alexander."

"I'll see a therapist, Em, I swear I will, but…but not him. Please. Please don't make me see him. He…he kind of looks like Shaffer. He always made me uncomfortable. I don't want—"

"Hey," Emily interrupted gently. "Breathe, baby. You don't have to see him. We'll find you someone else. It'll be okay."

JJ nodded slowly, accepting the reassurance. "I'm sorry for shutting you out, Em."

"It's okay."

"No," she argued. "It's not okay. God, I feel like such an ass. You've done everything for me, been everything to me, and I've been treating you like shit. I'm so, so sorry. You didn't deserve that."

Emily smiled, cradling JJ's face in her hands, before leaning forward to kiss her. "It's okay. We're going to get you some help, okay? But you have to be willing to let people help you. You have to be a willing participant here, sweetheart."

JJ nodded. "I know. I'm going to work on it. Can we have my mom over this weekend? She's dying to meet the twins."

"Absolutely. I think that's a great idea." The brunette paused for a moment. "Um, can I ask what that nightmare was about? Now that you're talking to me again, I mean?" Emily smiled light-heartedly.

JJ nodded, lying back down and taking a deep breath. "Yeah. It was about Lizzy. What…uh…what she used to do to me." JJ gestured to her neck, swallowing hard.

Emily thought for a moment about how to respond. She smiled lovingly at her wife after a moment, placing one hand on the top of her head against the pillow as she bent down to press a lingering kiss to the hollow of her wife's neck. The brunette felt JJ swallow and squeezed one of her hands in response. Eventually, Emily lifted her lips to JJ's, kissing her for a few moments before pulling back once more. "This…" She gestured to the air around them, referring to the tenseness that had settled between the two women over the past few weeks. "I can't shake the feeling that there's something else going on."

JJ sighed. "It occurred to me that it's been twenty years since I was with Erin." She lifted her tank top slightly, revealing the faded scar that resided on her abdomen. Emily looked at her intensely, waiting for her to continue. "Today is the twentieth anniversary of the day she gave me this scar."

Emily gently moved JJ's hand and took control of the fabric of her wife's top. She moved it up a few more inches so the bottom of it was resting on her ribcage. She maintained eye contact with her wife, searching for any signs that she was uncomfortable with was happening. She found none.

The brunette poured every ounce of love within her into the kiss she pressed to the scarred skin below her, whispering "I love you" to JJ, before kissing another piece of skin. "I love you."

AN: Let me know what you think! What do you want to see next? Please leave a review for me-they are my greatest motivators!-Gabby