Wicked Games Chapter 36: Without You, a twilight fanfic

Many thanks to shepeppy, my beta and best friend. She beta's the crap out of my fic – literally!

SM owns Twilight. I own Nessie's pain and Jake's comfort in this chapter.

Chapter 36 – Without You

Chapter Songs – Breathe Me ~ Sia and Without You ~ Three Days Grace

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Breathe Me ~ Sia

JPOV

She trembled in my hands, and clung to me the entire way back to the tiny bed and breakfast we had rented out for ourselves. She didn't say a word. Her silence was harder to take than her sobs. She just hung off of me, trembling. I wanted to help her, and soothe her, but I had no idea how. So I just held her close and kissed her hair.

When we got back Seth let us in and I carried her straight up the stairs to our room. I asked Olivia to come with us while Seth went to get Leah.

Olivia decided to run her a bath while I sat with her in my arms on the edge of the bed. She immediately curled up into a tiny ball in my lap, folding in on herself, as if she couldn`t get small enough, like she wanted to hide and disappear. I wrapped my arms around her as she trembled, trying to cover her in warmth, our warmth, to let her know that she was ok, she was safe. I had never seen her so vulnerable, so needy before... and it broke my heart.

I sucked in a deep breath, inhaling her sweet scent. She smelled like peaches and home. I never wanted to be without this, without her.

I kept breathing deeply, evenly, taking her in with each breath hoping her shallow rapid breaths would even out and mirror mine.

The room was small and cozy. The yellow walls, white furniture and bedding reflected the moonlight streaming through the window on the French doors to the small balcony. Her skin seemed paler in the moonlight, almost bluish, and her hair, wild and twisted into knots from fighting off her attacker, was darker, making her pale skin stand out in contrast. I rubbed her wrists lightly with my other hand, over the darkening bruises.

"Nessie," I whispered kissing her hair and rubbing her back. She stopped trembling. I sighed in relief.

"Jake," she squeaked out in a tiny whisper. I heard her breath hitch and she shook briefly again.

"It's ok baby," I whispered, "you're safe."

The water turned off and Olivia came out of the bathroom. She waited in the doorway until I looked up and acknowledged her presence before she spoke in her quiet and soothing voice.

"Bath's ready Jake. Do you need me to help her?" she asked, her face full of sympathy and understanding as she took in Nessie's frightened form on my lap. I frowned at the thought of letting her go. I knew she needed to get cleaned up and that the last thing she needed right now was a man, any man, undressing her or handling her body for any purpose, but I didn't want to let her go. I had come so close to losing her, I didn't want to be separated from her for any reason.

But this wasn't about me. She needed help and for once, I was probably not the best person to provide it.

I nodded. I was suddenly very grateful for Olivia's presence tonight, that she and Seth had not decided to head back to La Push. Olivia would know better than anyone how to help her right now.

"Ness, Olivia ran you a bath." I whispered into her ear as I rubbed her back slowly. "She's going to help you get undressed and get you settled. Can you-"

Before I could ask her whether or not she could walk there on her own, she began shaking her head vehemently. Her hair flew around a bit and into my face, so I pulled it back with my hand and looked at her face as she tilted her head back to look at mine.

The look in her eyes was staggering. They were full of longing and defiance. She was now gripping on to my shirt, nails digging into my chest a bit. Her mouth opened and closed twice silently as she tried to voice her concerns.

"Please no," she managed to squeak out. I stared at her, confused. No? No what? No bath? I took a second or two to look her over. She was a mess; dirt, leaves, small bits of twigs and brush were everywhere, but mostly in her hair. She could try to sleep like that but it wouldn't be very comfortable and she needed the rest.

"Nessie, I know you're tired, but you really should get cleaned up. It'll just take a few minutes. I'll light a fire in the fireplace across from the bed and get your pajamas ready while you get cleaned up, then you can sleep as long as you want." I told her quietly and began to stand up.

"No!" she exclaimed and then grabbed on to me tightly, squeezing as hard as she could. The pressure actually hurt a little. That said a lot considering she wasn't nearly as strong as a full blooded vampire, or werewolf for that matter.

"No." She repeated softly, "don't go. Please... please stay with me Jake. I... I need you to stay. Please, don't go." Her voice was full of desperation and need.

Olivia spoke up again, whispering softly. "You're her best friend Jacob... as much as she needs her friends right now, she needs you too."

Oddly enough, I found that I could understand where she was coming from. I thought I was going to lose her. She was everything to me. I thought that they were going to take her from me, and felt like my world was going to end. It was clear to me that she needed to be with me right now as much as I needed to be with her. Maybe more.

So I nodded in agreement and felt her relax immediately in my arms. I asked Olivia to stay and help me get her undressed, just in case.

I carried her to the bathroom and sat down on the edge of the tub. I sat her on my lap and spoke softly to her, whispering words of love and encouragement as I worked to unfold her from her little ball. I was gentle, so gentle, and it was slow. She seemed so fragile, like she might break if we went too fast or if we pushed her too hard. When she was finally lying against me, my arms around her waist, her head on my shoulder, back to my chest, legs draped over mine, Olivia told her she was going to take her jeans off and asked if it was ok. She nodded and tried to help, with trembling hands, but I pulled them back and held them in mine as I held her to me.

Slowly Olivia undid them and slid them down and off her legs. Olivia gasped under her breath, hand flying up to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, before looking at me, jeans still in her hand.

My breath caught in my throat, my grip tightened around her slightly and I choked on my own breath as her lower half was revealed. A growl rose in my throat and I swallowed it back, I did not want her worrying about my reactions on top of everything else she had to worry about.

She had several small bruises on her inner calves from his knees and a small red mark, not quite a bruise, but close enough, on her left hipbone. That fucking parasite had ground himself into her hard enough to leave a mark! Bruise or not, I was furious at that tiny red mark. I fought back another angry growl thinking about what could have happened to her if I had gotten there even a couple of minutes later... or if I hadn't gotten there at all. He would have brutalized her. He may have only been a half vampire, but he was almost as tall and big as me. She fought him hard, but she wouldn't have stood a chance against someone exhibiting that kind of force on her body. The fact that there were several bruises on both her arms and legs told me how hard she fought. I could see it in her thoughts after I found her and this confirmed it for me. He struggled to keep her under his control, and had to replace his hands and knees on her several times to do so.

I ran my hands up and down her arms as I turned to kiss her forehead and clenched my jaw. I was angry and upset, but wanting to restrain it and not add to her fear and her pain. She was my heart and soul. I ached for her. She was compassionate and gentle and this was an act of aggression so harsh against her that it shook her to her core. This was wrong... so wrong. She should be loved and cherished, not held down and practically beaten into submission.

"I'm so proud of you baby. You fought... you fought him so hard. You won." I kissed her again and rocked her a bit as she began to cry silent tears into my neck.

"I'm ok. I'm ok Jake." She whispered as she cried.

"I love you. You're safe now. I won't let them touch you again. I promise, you're safe." And I meant it. Sam had been in his wolf form to witness what happened tonight. He promised to send reinforcements with the Cullens, some from his pack, and some from mine, to find this sick bastard and end this. The constant vampire and half-vampire presence in La Push lately had been enough to create eight new werewolves, some of the boys as young as thirteen. However young, with the new numbers we could afford to spare some of the older, more experienced ones to go with the Cullens. Embry and Jared volunteered. Embry volunteered because he and Nessie had become friends over the years and Jared did it because he was chomping at the bit to find his sister and kill whoever took her. Kim was going to stay with my sister Rachel and Paul, who was staying back to help Sam. I left Quil in charge of the rest, some of the newer wolves had opted to join my pack instead of Sam's, so in addition to keeping the people of La Push safe, Quil was in charge of training the young ones, making sure they knew how to fight and defend themselves.

I kicked my shoes off and asked Olivia if she could grab my socks. She nodded, wiping tears from her face. When I saw her tears I felt horrible, as I realized that this must have been hard for her, like reliving old memories that she never wanted to see again.

She helped me with my socks and then I slid us both in the tub, Nessie in just her pink bra and matching underwear and me in everything but my socks. I sat back, keeping her against my chest and held her while Olivia slowly washed her, talking quietly explaining what she was doing as she went. When her body was clean I thanked Olivia and told her to head back to her room, Seth was probably worried about her and she looked exhausted, she needed to sleep.

I washed Nessie's hair. I took my time, adding warm water to the tub once when it started to cool down. I picked every leaf, every twig and clump of dirt out. She just lay against me and moved when I quietly asked her to, sighing every now and then, allowing me to take care of her. There were no more tears. The shaking had stopped.

I rinsed us both off and grabbed two towels from the towel rack beside the tub. I stood us up and wrapped a towel around her and one around me before picking her up and sitting with her on the edge of the tub again. I grabbed the hairbrush that Olivia had laid out on the vanity and slowly brushed her long copper hair, working quickly to free it of all knots as it started to dry right away with our combined body temperatures. We stared into each other's eyes as I worked, only breaking our gaze when necessary, seeking a connection with each other, our souls having a silent conversation.

I carried her back to our room then and lay her down on the bed. She settled in and whimpered a little as I released her for the first time tonight to change quickly. She lay unmoving with her eyes on me the entire time, her expression seemingly blank, but her eyes... her eyes told a different story. Her eyes were naked, revealing every ounce of want and need to me in one short glance. And I needed her, just as badly. So I hurried, quickly tossing my wet clothes in a corner and throwing on pajama pants and a t-shirt. When I was done, I picked up her pajamas and walked over to the bed. She reached for them with her hands, but I pulled them back a bit. I wanted to take care of her tonight. She rarely let me, usually choosing to do most things herself if she could. I felt the need to do everything I could. I almost failed her earlier, in the worst way possible...

"Can I...?" I asked and held them up for her to see. She nodded and closed her eyes, waiting for me to start. I carefully rolled her on her back and slipped off her towel. I left her bra and underwear on and slipped a long sleeved shirt over her head, gently picking her up when I needed to slide it on, and then laying her back down. I slid her capri pants on next, one leg at a time. I was glad to be covering up the bruises. I couldn't look at them anymore. It made me angry to see the way he marked her body, and I didn't think she'd want to look at them either.

When I was done I gently pulled the covers back and slid in next to her. The second I hit the mattress she was curled into my side, face pressing into my neck, arms wrapped tightly around my torso, leg draped over one of mine. I sighed and wrapped my arms around her, stroking her hair and her back as she cried again, silently, tears dripping down her face and my neck. I held her and kissed her hair, thinking about how much I loved her and needed her. She was the light to everything that was dark in my world. Her beauty astounded me. She laughed with me, cried with me, supported me when I needed it most... we did everything together. I held her close and knew that I needed to do everything possible to make her mine and mine alone for the rest of eternity. She was my best friend, my lover and without a shadow of a doubt the love of my life. Without her, there was nothing. No one else could have her; no one needed her like I did. I wanted to consume her, swallow her whole and keep her safe, with me, day and night. I never wanted another moment of time without her in it.

As the fireworks rang out at midnight over the night sky, they painted the room in hues of red, yellow, green and blue. I thought back to earlier this evening. I had such elaborate plans for us. I spent hours making sure everything was arranged and that anything and everything that should have been taken care of had been. It all seemed a bit ridiculous now. What did any of that stuff matter? All that mattered was that I was with her.

"Jake?" she whispered softly.

I pulled back to look at her red and slightly puffy, now dry eyes. She was staring at me with slight confusion and sadness.

"You're crying." She stated simply.

I was? I lifted the hand that was in her hair and wiped at my cheek, surprised to feel the dampness that it met with there. I was not a crier. The only other times I remember crying were when my mother and father passed away, and the last time she was hurt - that horrible day that I buried my father and she was attacked. She almost died that night. But tonight, was different, horrifying and frustrating in a way that it hadn't been before... it was more than I could take. It hurt so badly knowing that I was right there, and hadn't been able to protect her, to stop it from going as far as it had.

She wiped the tears away from my face with a gentle hand and then kissed my cheek softly.

"I'm sorry." She said, her voice small and tone empty. What the hell was she feeling like she needed to apologize for? I felt the irritation build. She was feeling guilty again. I was sure of it. Why couldn't she just accept the fact that she didn't need to feel badly about this? It wasn't her fault that some psycho had chosen to stalk her and she just couldn't seem to get her head around the fact that there was nothing she was doing wrong here. All of the wrong was being done to her. I shook my head and squeezed her tightly to me.

"Nessie, what on earth are you apologizing for?" I asked barely concealing the irritation in my voice.

"Sorry for worrying you again. I want this to stop. I want you to be happy with me. I don't want you to have to run, and hide. I don't want to keep putting you in danger for this... this disgusting... UGH! " her voice was rising exponentially as she spoke. She stiffened against me and then in a flash she was standing up next to the bed, face pulled up in a snarl, eyes narrowed with anger.

I smiled inwardly. She's getting mad. Good. She should be mad! This was good for her. She shouldn't feel guilty about anything. She should be murderously mad at the sick bastard doing this to her.

I sat up and faced her as she began to pace, muttering under her breath about ruined opportunities, wanting simple things, hurting everyone she loved... she was all over the map. Her posture was switching back and forth rapidly between tense and angry to sad and defeated. I could read the emotions flashing across her face and through her eyes. My excitement about her anger was slowly being replaced with concern. She had been very, very good at keeping her emotions under control lately. She had her moments, but who didn't?

I was worried about this though. It was like everything that she had been working so hard to keep at bay was suddenly brought right back up to the forefront, and threatening to crash right through her. Earlier, she had seemed fragile and broken. Now, it seemed as though she was a dam, under pressure, getting ready to break.

And then break, she did.

"What the HELL is it Jake?" She spat arms fisted at her sides as she paced at an inhuman pace back and forth across the room. "Why me? What does he want from me? There were six, SIX others like me out there tonight! I had no idea there were so many! But if there are more males, there have to be more females too... so what the HELL does he want with me?" Her voice was beginning to shake, her jaw tighten. I had never seen her so mad before. I didn't want her to get any more wound up. It couldn't be good for her after all she had already been through tonight.

I rose up from my position on the bed slowly, and then stood up on the opposite side from her. I needed to get her to calm down. I held an arm out in her direction, palm up, inviting her to take my hand.

"Ness, I know you're upset. Let's talk about this, okay?" She narrowed her eyes at me when I said the word talk, like she had already had enough of it and it was the last thing she wanted to do. I could understand that. So, okay, we would just sit and she could relax and sleep a little, like she needed to.

"Just... okay, no talking. Just calm down a bit baby and come and sit with me." I said quietly.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? How the FUCK am I supposed to calm down when I'm being hunted for sport like a damn animal Jake?"

My eyes widened into saucers and I recoiled from her words like I had been slapped in the face. She yelled at me. She has never yelled at me before. And she swore. I knew that was a first. She was pissed as hell, and it was getting worse by the second, and I had no idea what to do to help her calm down. She didn't give me a chance to figure it out before she was shouting again.

"Do you KNOW what he said to me out there Jake? Do you KNOW that the... the... whoever is doing this wants me to help him build a strong FAMILY? It's sick, and disgusting and I don't WANT to be a part of whatever he has planned! I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS! DOESN'T ANY ONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?" she screamed and then reached out to grab the vase on the table next the bed.

I flew over the bed and grabbed it from her just before she hurled it across the room. She tried to snatch it back from me, pulling and tugging so hard that the vase shattered in our hands. I put my hands on her shoulders and steered her away from the breakables, into the middle of the floor. She was struggling against me, trying to break free of my grip. I wrapped my arms around her so that hers were curled up against my chest, just tightly enough to keep her from getting away, but not tight enough to hurt her, as she continued to rant. I noticed the door swing open to reveal a concerned looking Seth and Leah. I shook my head at them briefly and warned them with my eyes to stay away. She was having a breakdown and would most likely be embarrassed about it in the morning. It would be worse if she had more witnesses. Seth nodded, still looking concerned and left, dragging an unwilling Leah behind him. I appreciated the fact that she wanted to help, but now was not the time.

"Let me go Jake! I want to break something. I need to... to... just... I... I... I..." she locked her jaw shut and for the first time since she started shouting she looked my square in the eye. She was livid, they were burning with hate and fury. She was so mad at this point that she couldn't even find the words to express what she needed to say. So she did the next best thing.

Her reached her right hand up and placed it on the back of my neck, and the visions began.

Her and I in Alaska, in our little house chatting and studying together happily… and then it was flung away, literally tossed to the side like garbage to the curb. It was replaced by several visions of her and I talking or hanging out in the various places we had hidden over the last couple of months. They were good, but the first was the happiest.

The next vision was one of her and her family, sitting around having one of their crazy all night board game tournaments in Forks. Everyone was happy and together. This one literally seemed to go up in smoke, as it was replaced by a vision of a world map with tiny red dots where her family should be scattered looking for ways to help her.

She continued this way, showing me more and more pictures of the life she had that was now gone, and with each one she grew sadder and the sense of longing in them got worse.

Then she moved on to visions that I found to be a bit more confusing. They were fuzzy, almost dreamlike. There was one of her, sitting around at the holidays showing her family pictures of her friends and telling them about Alaska.

There was another one of her, bringing me home for Christmas, like any other couple, spending Christmas with their families.

The next one was hard, for both of us. It was a vision of my old house, also at Christmas, and we were there, visiting with my dad. We were happy, just sitting around eating Billy's famous spaghetti and spending time together. I winced as this one literally went up in flames.

I realized that these were visions of her hopes and some of her dreams. Some of which she would never get to have. My heart sunk as I realized that most of the visions she had shown me up until this point involved me, and that she was also really upset about what this whole thing was doing to me, what it was taking from me. Before I could voice my opinion and tell her, for the millionth time, how none of that mattered to me, she showed me a few visions that left me speechless and took my breath away.

The first was slow, taking it's time to form, like she was feeling hesitant about letting me see it. There were familiar colours - her pale skin and my dark skin together. I saw them form our hands, grasping together and then, the number seven flashed up quickly between them. I blinked and looked down at her, confused as this vision drifted away in a cloud of grey, like uncertainty, but didn't have time to question her about it before the next one showed itself.

This was a vision of her and a man in dark clothes, in some kind of dark cement room, like the one in her nightmares. Her back was to him and he held her by a chain, tied around her wrist the other end in his hands.

As quickly as this vision came, it left and was replaced by another. It was Seth and Olivia dancing together earlier tonight, his arms around her, hands on her belly... but as I looked closer I noticed that it wasn't them at all. It was us, her and I dancing together in the same position, my hands on her belly, smiling and happy and swaying to the music. I felt my breath leave me in a huff as I realized she just showed me a vision of a hope that maybe one day she and I could start a family... that one day I would be beaming at her with pride and love at the thought of her carrying my child. I shook my head in amazement. Did this mean that the one before, with our hands clasped was something about... marriage? There was the number seven... seven steps.

And then the vision disappeared, interrupting my thoughts once again. This time she was pulled away from me, much the same way as she had been yanked off of the bike tonight. I growled and snarled under my breath as the next one showed a vision of her and the same mysterious man in dark clothes, him clawing at her belly, obviously carrying something of his.

The last of her vision was of her and I together, bodies intertwined, skin free of clothing, connected, beautiful... making love. It was replaced by one of what had happened tonight, her being held down, forced and vile in its very essence.

I felt her pull her hand away as she tucked her head into my shoulder.

"I don't want any of the one's that didn't involve you Jake," she whispered, "and I want all of the ones that do. But I can't have all of those anymore either." She said sadly, reminding me of the vision with my dad and a few of the ones with her family. "How much is he going to take from me? From us? He wants my everything... but I can't give it to him if it's yours."

"Mine?" I asked, pulling her away from me and looking her in the eye. I knew exactly what she was implying. It was nothing short of everything I wanted. To love her, marry her, have a family with her... but I had no idea if she was ready for that. What was she trying to say?

Once again, I found myself scrambling to keep up with her, just like I had that night in Alaska when she confessed what she wanted from me, for us.

She didn't elaborate, just stared in my eyes, as I looked into hers, searching their depths for the answers to my questions.

"Ness, I love you... more than you could probably ever know. When you were taken away from me tonight... and I thought I had lost you," I stopped, taking in a deep breath trying to find the words to say what I was feeling. For once I was envious of her gift. Being able to just show her how much I loved her, how much I wanted her and needed her, would be so much easier than trying to find the words to say it right.

"I..." for once I was really struggling. She looked up at me, obviously confused at my loss for words. I couldn't really blame her. I'd never been this tongue tied in my entire life. But I had to try.

"I could barely function." I whispered softly. "I can't, really, without you. You're in every step I take, every dream I have, every breath I breathe. Every single beat of my heart is for you, and when you're not there, I just don't feel... right. I'm nothing without you, no one..." I paused shaking my head staring into her beautiful large brown eyes. "I was born to love you... to be with you Nessie."

I ran out of words and shook my head again, leaning my forehead against hers. I wanted to show her, needed her to see...

"I want," I whispered and then stopped. What I wanted was really not important tonight. She should be resting, and taking care of herself.

"What do you want Jacob?" she asked quietly.

"I want to kiss you." I mumbled the conflict of my thoughts and feelings easy to hear in my voice, feeling badly about the fact that it was the only way I could think of to show her, really show her how I felt.

"Then kiss me." she said breathlessly, staring into my eyes.

I shook my head. "I shouldn't. Not now... not tonight after-"

She put a finger on my lips to silence me. I stared back at her, conflicted, not sure what to do.

"Please," she said quietly, earnestly, "please Jacob. I want you to..." and then she tipped up onto her toes and brushed her lips lightly against mine.

I groaned under my breath and gave in, knowing that there was no way I could refuse her pleas. I lifted my head, nudging her nose softly with mine and then pressed ghosted my lips over hers. I ran my hands down to the small of her back and hugged her to me as I kissed her lips slowly, chastely, reverently. I captured her bottom lip between mine and pulled it gently into my mouth, tasting her, needing her.

She parted her lips and ran her tongue along my top one, causing me to shiver from head to toe. I followed her lead and ran my tongue slowly over hers, a meeting of warmth and slippery wetness, and her beautiful taste. I ran one of my hands up to her hair and moved my lips to her jaw, kissing lightly, pulling her skin in my mouth gently all the way to her ear.

"I'll love you forever Renesmee. With my heart, body, mind and soul. Every day, always... I'll be yours." I whispered and then kissed her on the lips again, not gently, but passionately this time, pouring my heart and soul and all the words I didn't know to say into it. She responded, kissing me back, just as passionately.

She pulled away first, leaving me breathless, and stared into my eyes.

"Jake," she said, her eyes full of love and longing, "make me yours."

My oh my what will Jake do now?

Hit next to find out….