"Fine Line"

"Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most."- Dostoyevsky

Chapter 34: Standing Up

~***~

Marui….is avoiding me.

I just know it.

The past 2 days, since the dodge ball event, I can hardly seem to get anything other than a short laugh, a hi, a good morning and a goodbye before he is gone.

It…hurt my feelings, to know that he is avoiding me; and for reasons unknown to me. What had I done wrong? Did I make him angry or upset that rather than going through the trouble of confronting me about it he would rather just expel me completely?

I'm starting to understand now, why those girls in highs school always cried when the guy they liked didn't pay attention o them. I never went through this before, and going through it now, I will have to take back all the cynical thoughts I had about them back in school.

I'm starting to understand this sense of segregation, this painful realization that he hardly notices you or just do not care enough about you to spend time with you. This feeling of being ignored and invincible.

But if he really didn't think much about me, why had he always helped me and looked after me ever since I met him?

Had I just been a game to him, to kill his time- and seeing that I was not openly falling into his clutches- he is now bored of me?

Will it change his current behavior towards me if I had made it known to him what my feelings towards him were? Or would that turn him off even more? Marui must be and is used to girls falling all over him- did he like that fact, or did he hate it? Should I make it known to him that I actually felt something for him, or would he just find me even more boring because of that?

All those novelty movies I watched, and in all those fantastical novels I read- the guys liked the girls who did not just fall head over heels for them. Is Marui like those guys from the books and tales, or is he completely different and actually prefers girls who are simple and quick to respond?

Or is he….-!!! I pulled my hair in frustration, furiously rubbing my knuckles into my temples out of pure confusion. I don't get it!! I just don't get him at all!! This is one of the reasons why I do not 'socialize' often, party, hangout and whatever other slangs that exists now for group activities.

I thought I knew him well enough now, what after all the time I spent with him. But no! I'm back to square one- the position I was at when I first met him and he breathed his bubblegum, wine infested breath over me and claimed he figured me out and only made me confuse about him even more which sparked my curiosity to understand him which led to all the humiliating situations I got into and then made me think I understand him and now it all unravels again and-!!!

The door to the toilet opened, putting a halt to my ranting and raving mind, and I calmly turned on the tap to wash my face, pretending that nothing was going on as the girl that entered casted me a weird look before entering a cubicle.

I watched my reflection in the mirror, eyes following the drips of water as they made their descent down into the snow white basin. The cruise is now on the way back to mainland Japan, and I still had 4 free visits to any host club of my choice, using the prize I won at the Prisma Festival…

We'll be back at the harbor in a day and a half or so…

I didn't want this cruise to end with things as it was with Marui, whatever it was. I had no idea what happened, but I do know that if we parted ways like this, the last 4 times I visit a host club will not have Club Prism in the list. It'll be so awkward to go to Club Prism and see him if I'm not even on…normal talking terms with him; and make it even harder for me to even go to Club Prism. I had enough issues with going to a host club in general, not including social issues, but to go to Club Prism when things between me and Marui aren't too bright will definitely make it harder for me. It's like entering a party where you knew nobody else.

I didn't know when it was that the girl reemerged from her cubicle, and I hardly registered the sounds of the water flushing- but I was jolted from my trance at the slamming of the door.

A drip of water found its way to the protrusion of my lips, and fell to my lower lip. I pursed them, to rid them of that one drip.

It was salty.

My hands rose up slowly to touch my wet cheeks- why is the sink water…salty?

I trailed my eyes back up towards my reflection in the mirror, and my face was wet with water as I expected- then I saw a drop leak out from the corner of my right eye, and sled down to my chin, where it fell into the snow white basin like the sink water did.

Oh…so that's why it was salty.

Someone opened the toilet door again, and a sob escaped my throat.

"Kumiko-chan?!"

I was suddenly embraced from the side by the comforting arms of someone. I looked up to find Yura's worried face staring down at me.

"Yura…" I croaked out. The bafflement was blatant on her face, for I never refer to people without any honorifics behind their names, whether they were close friends or distant strangers. I was shocked at myself too, when I realized in the back of my mind that I never added the usual –chan to her name.

"What happened to you? Why are you crying?!" She turned me to face her, demanding an answer, but I couldn't give one. I just hugged her neck and buried my face into her shoulder, unable to control my crying anymore.

Her embrace, the warmth she exuded- this must be the type of feeling you get when your sister encases you in her protective bear hugs.

I wish I had a elder sister whom I can go to and spill all my heart secrets out to.

"Kumiko-chan…?"

I shook my head, still refusing to raise it from her shoulder despite her pleas. "I don't know Yura-chan…"

"?!"

"I don't know why I just feel so…so…" I trailed off. I don't know what I was feeling anymore.

Lost, confused, lovesick, terrified, upset, angry, frustrated…

I no longer can decipher my emotion from the plethora that I was feeling.

"But why are you crying?"

I sniffed and shook my head again.

~***~

Yura led me to my room where she sat me down on my bed, before getting me a cup of warm water.

My throat was sore, and my eyes irritated and most likely red. Gratefully, I accepted the cup of water and finished it in one gulp.

Yura stayed with me as I calmed down, never once taking her eyes off me and never leaving me even at my urging, as there was a big party going on outside since the cruise was almost at an end and everyone is celebrating and partying with all their might. But she was stuck here with a sniveling me who doesn't even know what she's sniveling for.

I'm glad I had a friend like her.

Her, Aya, Asuka, Rinko….I'm glad I'm friends with them and had been given the chance to meet them.

Yura rubbed my back, soothing me. After a moment, "Are you feeling better now?"

I took in a rather large breath, which consequently also resulted in a rather scruffy and rough nasal sound being produced from me, and nodded silently.

Yura frowned and closed her eyes, looking as if she was thinking.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head, feeling rather insecure about revealing my (tentative?) feelings for Marui…not only that, I'm not even sure what I was feeling right now….this indescribable frustration and sense of loss.

Yura set a soft but firm look on me, and I could not help looking away, unable to hold her piercing gaze. It felt like she stared right through me, as if I was transparent.

"It usually helps if you talked about it, rather than keeping it bottled inside." She said softly, taking one of my slightly calloused hands in her soft ones. "Kumiko-chan I…."

She trailed off, and I just sat silently, waiting for her to continue. She spoke so softly, that her words nearly passed by my ears unnoticed.

"You're changing…" They left her round lips in a wisp of air, dispersing to the thick silence of the room, evermore heightened by the raucous cheers and music outside.

I don't know why, but that made me relent and talk.

I told her about my developing feelings for Marui, this unknown feeling that I never experienced so fully before. I told her about my confusion and anger at his actions and antics. I told her about how I do not understand it, nor how it came about. I told her about how he started avoiding recently, and how it is affecting me. I told her everything.

And she just listened quietly, lending me her ears.

I smiled at her after my full-blown confession, wiping one last tear off my face.

"Thanks for listening, Yura-chan."

She nodded and turned her head away from me.

~***~

Ruriko is here once again at Club Prism.

I had never minded her company before, and actually rather enjoyed. But her presence lately seemed only to magnify the glaring empty space that once was Ishimaru Kumiko.

It's been a week since we arrived back at mainland Japan, and a week since I've talked and seen her. I know that previously when I first known her there were times where I hadn't seen or talked to her for weeks- but it was different this time.

It was usually Kumiko who avoided me, as per her usual shy and hermit way. But this time, it was me who had cut the contact and started avoiding her. And it felt weird, and constantly pressed onto me. I liked to think of myself as a social person, hence my work as a host. I enjoyed meeting new people and hanging out with friends; I never once liked to segregate people or avoid seeing them.

Which is why this is disturbing me more than anything presently.

I had started avoiding Kumiko when we were still on the cruise ship. We had departed ways without so much as a goodbye. And it's been a week since I've seen, talked or heard from her.

It would not have bothered me so much if it was Kumiko who started this, since it was some usual for and from her. But this had begun from me, and it's strange and alien…

And I didn't like it.

What's more, I don't even know why I began avoiding her.

Yura waited silently and patiently for an answer from me.

And I racked my brain, turning over every single crease and corner in it for an answer.

This should be easy.

It really should.

"She's a great person to hang with, but she's just a friend." That particular sentence popped into my mind as soon as Yura asked that question of me, and it should have been easy to recite that sentence, for I've said them many times before in different contexts. But it got stuck.

I had received many confessions before from women, and even confrontations just like this from the friends of the girls. Prodding and poking me to go and take their friend out, to accept their love and be their boyfriend, to elope together with them to God knows where, to make a friend's day and life by asking her to be my girlfriend…I had met with so many different requests before, some of them just so out of this world, that I was now a veteran in avoiding and turning situations like those away and around.

The first few times it happened, my heart felt heavy with guilt and sadness when I saw those hopeful eyes turn downcast and glum, tears prickling within their depths, that I was nearly moved to change my answer just to bring a smile back. Atobe, Yukimura, Sanada or some other senior host would step in quickly however before that could happen.

Over the years though, I had learned to tune those nuances out and had built an immunity to them. I was prepped and ready as soon as I saw the signs that I had learned to pick up over time- the signs of a confession or confrontation. My answer would already be on my lips before they started, and my answer would be out as soon as they are finished.

Of course, I did try to break it out to them gently. But if need be, I'd be firm. Most of the time however, I don't see those girls and women again. Or maybe I do, only in the comforts of another host within the club.

I saw the signs from Yura, and I should have been ready. I thought I was ready. But when that question left her lips, I was just…astounded, for some reason. Despite that though, my answer was already in my head, on the tip of my tongue; the answer that I have recited over many times before this, the answer that I had practiced and used often…

But when I tried to say it, I could only get part of it out, before the rest died out. "Um…she's a nice girl…" I heard the first part of my answer leave the borders of my lips.

"But she's just a friend, and a great person to tease."

I wish I had succeeded in saying that, but I didn't. Yura was still waiting.

When I tried again to finish the final part of my reply, my back would stiffen and so would my fingers, and my lips would freeze as I tried to open them. It's like something is not allowing me to- to say those words.

Time ticked by and I do not know how long it had been that Yura stood waiting. But I figured it must have been long, for she sighed and turned around, making her way towards my bedroom door and bidding me a soft good night.

I silently begged her not to go, to give me a bit more time. I almost have the answer out…

The stiffness in me ebbed slightly as she walked away, but they rammed right back into me when she gave me a low, gentle glance, her voice but a whisper.

"It's against Club Prism rules."

My hands curled into a fist.

Che.

I didn't need you to tell me that.

….but she's just a friend…

Yes, Kumiko is just a friend. And there is absolutely no reason for me to be avoiding her.

If so, what is it then that made me do it anyways? Was it fear?

Fear that I might develop something….no, that isn't it. I've known beauties far more vivacious and gifted than her, so it definitely can't be…

Is it fear that she will be the one who will develop something for me instead, and I will be forced to turn her way?

She's…different from the past girls and women that I have dealt with. Very awkward, but nice in nature. And she's one of the last people that I want to hurt because of that.

"Marui-kun?"

I blinked and looked up into familiar brown eyes—no, these were black.

"What is it, Ruriko-chan?" I asked, taking a sip of wine from my glass.

I saw her eye me from the corner of my eye, before shrugging. "Nothing. It's just that you seem really quiet lately. You're usually really lively."

"I'm still a little wiped out from that cruise trip, that's all." I gave her my trademark smile, and the usual and expected blush surfaced on her skin. Then she pouted. "Why didn't I get invited…"

I turned and pretended to reach for the bottle of wine at the other side of the glass table, but all I really wanted to do was hide my face. I felt the frown coming on, and felt the need to hide it immediately, knowing I wouldn't be able to keep my face pleasant any longer. This was so ridiculous it's starting to annoy me- but I couldn't let my personal feelings get involved with my host work...

Personal feelings…isn't that what started this in the whole place? Mixing personal feelings with my work as a host?

My fingers wound around the beck of the wine bottle, and my eyes closed as I took in a deep breath, pulling the bottle over to me.

I turned around with a grin on my face, offering another glass to Ruriko- all thoughts of Kumiko out of my mind.

She was a friend. And there was no reason for me to get so uptight over this, just because her friend planted some weird thoughts in my head.

Ahh~ next time I see her I should apologize too! I had been really rude to her the last few days I seen her, and it was totally against my training and nature as a host. Hmm…where does she hang out usually though? Well, I guess she'd visit sometime later, with Aya or someone, so it wouldn't really matter.

I'll just have to wait a bit then- and like this, if she was angry at me for the way I treated her, then the extended period of time will allow her to cool off more.

I stretched a little as I waved goodbye to Ruriko and her friends. Everything will work out fine; I'll be on good terms with everyone I know again and things will be just as normal. I was a tensai after all, and I never fail to makes things right- not that there was anything wrong in the first place.

Just a little nick in the corner that needs fixing.

~***~

I bit my finger whilst I drew thumbnails into my sketchbook as I sat at my usual seat at the university's cafeteria. I sat at one of the tables a corner of the vast cafeteria, and usually I was either here alone, or Aya and the rest would be with me sometimes.

Abruptly, I slapped my sketchbook closed, frustrated at what little imagination was leaving me. I had been drawing nothing buts eyes for the past two weeks! Eyes, of all things! But it wasn't just any eye or pair of eyes.

They were his eyes.

The last few pages of my sketchbook were filled with eyes drawn at various angles, but they were all in common in that they all had a purple shade to them. A light purple shade.

My head fell down to the table, and I rested it there, allowing all the entropy to leave from my mind and body (or I was sure I would rip my sketchbook apart any moment). I had been two weeks since I last saw Marui, two weeks and a couple of days since I last talked to him, and two weeks and a couple of days where I never ceased thinking about him.

If I believed in a God, I was certain I would be praying to him right now, asking for a reason as to why am I thinking about him so much. If he no longer wanted to talk to me, be friends with me, why the hell should I care?! That was his problem, not mine!

….but I just can't seem to forget him. Never stop thinking about him and feeling that I've done something wrong to make him ignore me.

I…wanted to go to Club Prism. I wanted to go and see him, to confront him. But…I was no good at things like these. This is again one of the times where I wished I wasn't such a coward and such a social fossil. I wish I had experience, and knew what to do, what to expect, what to say, how to begin…

From underneath my bangs, I looked at all the other university students scattered across the cafeteria with their own groups of friends- hanging out, chatting, frolicking, kissing, embracing, laughing…

Heat rose to my face and I looked back down, hiding my face away from the world, when I thought of what a sad figure I made, sitting here all alone and in silence.

A pair of lavender eyes stared up at me, and I blinked in slight surprise, before they faded out to a grainy texture…my sketchbook had slipped from my lap, falling open and I hadn't realized it.

I reached out for it, extending my hand to grasp it. I…

…wanted to see Marui again. I don't know why, but I really, really do.

But I was so scared to go by my own.

I looked up when I heard my name being called, and I found Aya and the other heading towards me. Rinko and Asuka laughed when they got close enough, pointing at my face as I stared at them in confusion.

"Ahahaha, you have a red mark on your forehead, Kumiko-chan!"

I reached a hand up to rub that spot which I had been resting against the hard table.

They instantly took a seat at the table, and Asuka reached a hand out for my sketchbook without my permission. "Let's see what you had been up to."

I smiled a small smile."Not much. Been stuck lately. The teacher is going to kill me if I keep up the crap pieces I've been making."

Aya and Rinko chatted over Asuka who sat in between them, flipping through the sketchbook. Yura idly watched as the pages flipped by. Soon they got to the pages with all the eyes…

Asuka paused on one of the pages, raising an eyebrow, probably wondering why I had been drawing all these eyes for. "I was practicing drawing eyes."

"Riiiiiight." She said. "I can see how bad you are at them, so you've decided to have 7 pages of nothing but eyes. What's more, they are all purple eyes….How many people do I know have purple eyes?"

Aya had paused in her conversation with Rinko at the uncommon topic Asuka was bringing up. She rolled her eyes upwards in thought. "Kajimoto-san has purple eyes…"

Rinko grinned wickedly. "Doesn't Marui-san have purple eyes too?"

I blushed and looked away. "It's nothing, jeez. You guys are looking too deeply into. I was just practicing drawing eyes consistently, so I stuck with one pair only." It was a stupid excuse, but I figured it made sense…

"So you saw the need to draw 7 pages of nothing but the SAME pair of purple eyes?" Asuka asked rhetorically.

"What's wrong with that?!" I snapped.

The three stooges grinned even more at this. "Why are you being so defensive?" Aya snickered.

"I'm not-"

"Spring has arrived for Kumiko-chaaaan~" Rinko sang in her soprano voice and I winced. Not that she was bad or anything (she was in the choir club) but because she was doing it so loudly that people were looking at us.

"You guys, leave her alone." Thank the heavens that I had Yura on my side.

"Hell no, Yura!" Asuka roared and pumped her fists into the air. "We're going to Club Prism tonight guys!!"

Aya and Rinko cheered instantly and my eye twitched in annoyance.

Yura frowned and spoke loudly to overcome the ruckus they were making. "It doesn't matter if you take Kumiko-chan there or not! What are you planning to achieve by trying to hook her and Marui-san up?!"

Asuka's fine eyebrows disappeared underneath her hairly as he stared down at Yura, and I gulped. Asuka is really intimidating at times (probably all the time). But Yura held a firm gaze against Asuka's fiery ones. "And why not? Why are you so against this anyway? It's not like it would hurt anyone, and Kumiko-chan needs some fun in her life."

"Asuka-chan, I don't need-" But Yura spoke, effectively cutting me off.

"Feelings are not something to be had fun with, Asuka." Her voice was soft, but held great power in them, and I shivered, especially since Yura never referred to anyone without honorifics except when she was really upset with them.

Asuka knew this too, and her eyes instantly lost their joviality, and set down into an angry gaze. "You don't have to come if you don't want to."

I exchanged nervous glances with Aya and Rinko, and instantly raised a hand and placed it on Yura's shoulder.

"Yura-chan, it's alright. Asuka-chan is just looking out for me!" Only Yura knew of my feelings for Marui, and this was perhaps why she was being so protective over me now, as was usual of her motherly ways. I smiled within myself, knowing that the man whom she chooses to marry will be one lucky guy, and her children blessed. Asuka did not know of my feelings, and was doing this all in good fun as she usually did, always finding reasons to get me out of my solitary cave.

And…just moments before their arrival, I was lamenting the fact that I was too cowardly to go to Club Prism on my own (even if I knew I wouldn't have to pay since I still had free visits with the winning prize from the Prisma Festival). So I shouldn't be allowing Yura to defend me, or think bad of Asuka, Aya and Rinko- I wanted to go to Club Prism to see Marui, and now I got the chance to go with them (with the benefit of not looking lame when I arrived there by myself).

I should be thanking all of them. But I didn't, of course. If I did, they will probably find out about what I was feeling.

…so when I arrived there with them, I suppose I would be on my own.

Evening rolled along pretty fast, and I found myself sitting in Asuka's car with Aya and Rinko. Yura chose not to come in the end, even though she and Asuka made up.

I bit my lip and breathed deeply. Yura will not be here to support me on this. Neither will the other three be able to help me on this.

It was time I stood on my own two feet.

WOW!...oh jeez! So, SO, SO SORRY guys for the UBER LATE update. I was so busy, that I was on the verge of breakdown (I did break actually...started crying from the stress OTL I'm so weak orz...). I had so many exams going on, both in school and outside, and then there was SAT and TOEFL pressure and then the pressure to pass my Japanese exam (if I fail, I cant graduate to the advanced group sob) and my physics teacher is not helping by being a tyrannical bitch =( Spring break is here, and I am STILL busy %^&*()Y^%$##$%^&!!! Blood teachers loaded us with so much homework and gave us added pressure by having MOAR TESTS (right after exams wtf#$%$&$!#$!!!) right on the day when we return from break X___X How am I supposed to rest when I know I have so much to study for the tests and so much homework to do?!! So I wrote this late at night, after doing some of my homework, before I start immersing myself in my work again. Geh, I dont even want to talk about all the art commissions I have to do OTL

To top it all of, no one celebrated my birthday! YAY!

......just really stressed out now guys X___X Sorry for the rant D: Anyways! Back to FL News. Hmm...well, not much to say about it other than I'm trying to wrap it up so I'm going to start cramming the drama in xwx Hope I dont fail at that and make the story seemed rush. I dont think I can keep writing chapters about Kumiko and Marui's relationship growth x.x It's taking its toll on me x-x

tazdevil- o.O haha I never learnt that when I took health class last time XD I suppose it will be hilarious if someone told Shiraishi that lool I'll see if I can use it, but I'm not too sure, since I want the drama to start rolling now so....XXD;

Kyuubi- nah I didnt stop. I wont stop till FL finish, that I can promise you. Even if I update 10 years later XD And I did say a lot of times in my little rants at the end of each FL chapters especially, that I will finish the other stories once FL is done with =0 but what story are you referring to which I never finished? I only wrote stories for PoT and Air Gear...and the Air Gear stories I didnt expect you to read them x.x But I do want to continue my Air Gear story, but the Air Gear plot itself is incomplete and Oh!Great likes to pull so many surprises out of his nostrils that it keeps ruining my story plot and makes it go against the canon story OTL Not to mention it is a bit hard to understand at points...But I do want to continue Love Story after I finish FL, and then Gate To The Heart too (although I will rewrite that and ditch that name. It's so lame- it's from when I first started out lol orz)

SmileyFace- 3 hours? X_X THAT'S IT?! I expected 3 days to finish this bloody story---!! jkjkjk XXD

archie- you got your answer now =D

blackcricket- Most girls hate dodgeball I think. I dont mind if it is against other girls, but just not guys orz they're so violent about it X_X

Ami- X___X I didnt update for a month and a half now, so if you needed a chapter of FL every week, the long wait must have been painful XD;

Kouyan- haha thank you XD well, not all weird...maybe a little XD

Cynaide- DX I prefer racket sports to ANY ball sports. I love badminton especially, then tennis and squash XD after that it's pingpong haha I know I can hold my own in those sports at least XD And yea, I knew of those psychology studies but I have my own opinions on the leader types and submissive types being "best friends". I dont think so. the leader person usually has a more show-off type of attitude, and cant take others people opinion against her own, so she is friends with the submissive who are basically the lambs who cant formulate their own ideas. Thats the raw and basic gist of it. There are other little quirks which I noted but then I'd be writing a whole new chapter here if I explained it all lol I know alot of the leader and lamb types, and see a lot of them in my school from various cultures (I live in a culture pot country and go to an international school lol)- the quirks are different but vastly similar. It bugs me to hell too, so I take note of it x.x And..Shiraishi's hair isnt gray! It's ash brown! XD

Juunin- lool the pairing KumikoXMarui and ShiraishiXKumiko is at a tie it seems haha

PhoenixRage92- there is hope yet for ShiraishiKumikoMarui! XD We dont know yet! Heck, I dont know yet XD I have the idea, but am dancing around it lol And I'm terrible at any ball sports. Give me a racket however and I shall beat your balls back XD

NiouMasaharu- haha PE class is fine, depending on the sports they are doing for me XD

TheMAdChatterKina- I dont even aim myself at a ball XD I just walk off the field XXD;

kuro- I'm not even sure if the ShiraishiKumiko story will see the light of day at the rate I'm writing FL X__X lool why should you feel guilty, unless you're a ShiraishiXKumiko fan yourself? o.o I should have a poll one day and find out how many are KumiShi and how many are KumiMa XD My pairing names for the two!! ahaha