First Fanfiction! I hope you enjoy it! (No copyright intended, all characters belong to Cassandra Clare)

CASTLES MADE OF SAND, CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

Eleanor Rigby

"All the lonely people, Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, Where do
they all belong?"

The paved ground was cold and damp beneath Magnus' feet as he walked slowly, ever so slowly, up the rounded driveway to his house. The blazing sun was now cascading against the horizon, bathing the sky in a luminous orange and pink glow—as the night sky shifted to day. He was walking bare foot along the drive, his perfectly shined dress shoes fell limp within the grasp of his right hand. His dark indigo button up hung open, exposing the expanse of his tawny chest; his hair was dishevelled to the point that on any other day he would have been embarrassed to be seen like that. The thick make-up around his eyes was smeared beyond belief down his cheeks, and his muscles ached.

He felt empty; a feeling that made him want to curl up within himself, disappear for awhile and possibly—if he was lucky—never come back. The air was punched out of his lungs causing him to gasp and pant for even the faintest of breaths. Everything hurt, but at the same time Magnus couldn't feel anything; hear anything; smell anything—see anything but the image of his beautiful woman, twirling him around in the light of dawn; long brown wheat hair falling out of a tangled messy bun; a white toothy smile which could be deemed as infectious as tobacco was to a smoker. He could see her livid yellow-hazel eyes scuttle across his vision; somber and secretive—as they had always been.

Magnus felt another punch to his lungs and he raised his hand over his bare chest, in fear that he would die—that his heart would stop; but then the crisp wind around him picked up freshly fallen leaves from the ground and blew them towards his feet—releasing him from his mind. Because that's what this all was, his mind. Nevertheless he still found himself gasping for air, panting wildly in a way that made his rib bones ache with the insistent rattling of each jagged breath. No one had ever seen him like this—not even Sarah or Olive; William or James. He was at his most vulnerable, breaking down wistfully in front of his house.

He could feel hot tears sting at the back of his eyes, but they did not spill over. Palmer had always told him that he was strong—to stay strong—and he offered and or gave up all of his will power to keep from crying. Magnus was scared, so damn scared; because life seemed to go on without him; leaving him behind to pick up the irreplaceable pieces, that no matter what, he just couldn't seem to put back together. He shivered violently for a second as if a shrill whisper ghosted along the nape of his neck. This was it, another day out of the many years to come where Magnus was not who he intended to be.

He attempted to take deep and shallow breaths on rhythmic intervals, calming down the unsteady beat of his heat. He made his way up the slicked black steps to the ominous black front door. He didn't waste any more time outside—his father, that was who he needed to see, needed to be with; not his own thoughts. Rather loudly he dropped his shoes on the threshold, and limply—stumbling slightly—he made his way to the rear of the house, where Gerald would undoubtedly be in his office.

Magnus opened up the door to his fathers office slowly, as to not cause so much noise. Gerald was seated behind his desk, his face rested in his large tawny hands. The way his shoulders were bent told Magnus that Gerald was exhausted—for reasons Magnus couldn't even phantom just yet—and the quivering of his fingers against his forehead told Magnus he was in an unstable state of mind. His long black hair was pulled into a less than orderly pony-tail at the base of his neck, and he was dressed in a simple long sleeve black shirt with beige slacks.

Gerald gazed up the second Magnus had closed the door behind him, his ripe green eyes were clouded with red—redder than Magnus had ever seen them before. Gerald wasn't the type of person to show any other emotion besides pride and anger; the way he looked at Magnus made him cringe because this was so unlike his father. "Why haven't you answered your phone?" Gerald barked out, his voice raspy beyond belief as if he had been crying for hours. That was definitely not what Magnus was expecting from his father. He expected to talk to Gerald about his mother, to recollect together like they always did years previous... But Gerald was worried about Magnus' phone.

Magnus stepped further into the room and came to stand beside one of the white chairs that were situated in front of Gerald's desk. "I forgot it here around eight when I left for Homecoming," Magnus stated. Gerald shook his head and scoffed under his breath. "I'm sorry dad, I'll make sure to bring my phone everywhere from now on." Magnus sounded just the faintest bit whiny and sarcastic, but he didn't care at the moment. There were worse things than realizing that his father was mad at him for not having his phone.

"Magnus, Olive passed away last night." Gerald said in a very resisted voice; as if the actual words coming out of his mouth were words he couldn't fathom. Magnus felt his stomach lurch, and he placed his hand on the back of the sleek white chairs head rest to steady himself—for he knew he was going to fall. "I tried to call you, but alas you didn't pick up."

"What?" Magnus breathed, not fully taking in what Gerald was saying to him. No, this wasn't happening—this couldn't be happening. Olive, Magnus' Olive, was... Gone? No, this wasn't happening... It was all some sick twisted nightmare that Magnus had yet to wake up from.

"She's been sick for awhile," Gerald's voice was more resigned, he lowered his gaze back to his hands which were quivering against the top of his desk. "Sarah has been around a lot lately for you, in respect to Olive has she not?"

"Yes, but dad, she was fine," Magnus voice cracked or more so shattered into a thousand pieces. "Just the other day, dad, she was fine!" His voice vibrated loudly off of the dome shaped room's, walls and ceilings. His heart was thumping wildly against his rib cage; and on the inside Magnus was screaming—screaming his lungs out for Olive; for his mother, Palmer.

"Magnus, she has been sick for the last few months. I wasn't informed until last month. She... She didn't know how long she had," Gerald shook his head, and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thick index finger and thumb. "That's why I pushed back the Banquet, I didn't want to have her stressing over the event. I wanted her to have time to get better,"

"None of this is fair." Magnus whispered and tightly shut his eyes together; but nevertheless and rather relentlessly, tears began to pour out of his eyes; scorching hot tears that burned the fragile flesh of his cheeks as they fell. "Why is this happening?" Magnus' breath caught on a strong sob, and he covered his mouth with the back of his hand, in attempt to stifle back another sob that bubble up in the base of his throat.

"Sometimes in life Magnus, things happen to us that seem so unjust. And we get angry—trust me I would know—and we get upset, and decide to do irrational things." Magnus turned his back to his father and clasped his hand over his mouth even harder, to conceal the sobs that were breaking out of his mouth and racking his whole body. "I don't want that for you. You need to know that things won't always be this way. Things will get better." Gerald kept his tone of voice at bay the whole time, and Magnus knew it was because Gerald had to be the strong one between the two of them. Because truth be told, Magnus was a lot like his mother; in the respect that during hard times they both couldn't hide their emotions well. He thought over the years, being around Gerald only, that he had grown a strong back bone to emotions; but today proved to Magnus that he wasn't strong.

"No they won't!" Magnus blurted out after he had calmed down a bit. "Mom's gone dad, she hung herself! She's gone! And now Olive's gone too!" Magnus screamed at the top of his lungs, not being able to hold back the tears in his cracked broken voice. "I didn't get to say goodbye. Why didn't she tell me?" Magnus cried, his vision was completely blurry, all he could see was the outline of Gerald's structured body. As Magnus said those words he found himself at war with whether those words were directed towards Olive or his mother.

"She wanted to protect you—"

"How is this protecting me?" Magnus asked, his voice laced with opium.

"She didn't want you to have to worry about her, okay Magnus? Listen to me." Gerald was getting furious at that point it seemed; his cheeks were flushed with color and his eyes turned ferocious. "She wanted your life to continue on, where you didn't need to hold back because of her. Olive had some sense in what she did, in respect to us, compared to your mother." Gerald muttered the last part, while raking his thick fingers throughout his hair, releasing the pony-tail at the base of his neck.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother." Magnus snapped.

"She left us Magnus! Without any warning! How can I not be mad at her? How can I not hate her? How can I not be mad all the damn time? Do you know how many days I wish I was with her? But then I think of you, my only son, and how I would never do that to you." Gerald stood up from his desk as he continued to shout, his eyes were a deadly mixture of ripe green sadness and anger. Every line to his face and body was hard etched and slightly shaking, if Magnus looked close enough. "Life doesn't work like that Magnus—you don't get to decide everyone else's happiness!"

"Mom wasn't happy," Magnus breathed out, as a fresh flood of tears collected in his eyes. This was all of the pent up sadness and frustration within Magnus that he had never had the chance to let out, until now. And he couldn't stop any of it for the life of him; and oddly enough he didn't want to. He felt liberated, but at the same time his body couldn't stop shaking from the news he had just been given.

"Yes Magnus, I know that. But she sacrificed our happiness for her own! That isn't fair Magnus, and I am so damn mad. She was—is the love of my life, and I had no choice whether she lived or not. Do you know how many times a day I want to punish myself for not making it home in time to stop her—to stop you from finding her, alone, like that? You're exactly like her, so strong willed, outspoken, free—and I can't bare it sometimes, I can't do it. God Magnus," Gerald turned his head away and shut his eyes quickly.

"Dad I'm angry too, and scared," this was quite possibly the first time Magnus and his father were being open with one another in such a way, that they should have always been. This was it, this was what they both needed—in order to fully understand one another. "But... We just have to recognize that she is in a place where she is happy, and one day dad, we'll be okay." Magnus let out a deep breath, his lips shaking as tears glided down over top of his lips. "You and me dad."

"Magnus..." Gerald sighed and looked back to Magnus, he had fresh slick tears in his eyes. It had been years since Magnus had seen Gerald cry. "Come here," he held his arms open, walked around the front of his desk and Magnus stepped into his waiting arms without hesitation. "I love you, Magnus. Don't forget that."

"I love you too dad. And mom loved you, and Olive loved you." Magnus cried freely into the cotton fabric of Gerald's long sleeve shirt, and to Magnus' surprise Gerald continued to hold him even closer; gripping the back of Magnus' pale grey suit. He finally had the clarification from Gerald that the reason why he lashed out at Magnus was because of how much Magnus was like his mother; of how it reminded Gerald about all that he had lost—that he could have prevented. And now Gerald knew how Magnus felt, maybe not to an extreme extent, but they could finally understand each other now.

"As did they, you son." Gerald and Magnus held each other for a substantially long time until both of their breathing had calmed down; and the tears that poured from Magnus' eyes ceased in their traitorous movement down his cheeks. With one last grip from Gerald, he pulled back from Magnus, letting their arms slip away. And for the first time in all of Magnus' life, Gerald gazed upon Magnus with pure pride—pride in his son for being so strong but yet not letting his emotions fester deep inside of himself any longer. "I have something for you,"

"What is it?" Magnus asked, and instantly didn't recognize his voice. It was raspy, as Gerald's had been when he first came into the study.

"A letter, that I found from your mother. It was in the copy of 'The Tenant of WildFell Hall', her favorite book," Gerald circled back around his desk and picked up the fragile book. He opened the front cover and tucked neatly inside was a small snow white envelop. "It's addressed to you." Gerald handed Magnus the envelop with unsteady fingers. Magnus registered that his father was still not okay and Magnus didn't think he would be okay for awhile either. But Olive... Oh god, Olive, she would have never wanted to see either one of them unhappy.

"Thank you," Magnus regarded the small fragile envelop with curiosity. "I—I'm going to take this up to my room. I'll talk to you later dad." Magnus bowed his head down, and attempted to give his father a small smile; but somehow he just didn't have the will power to quirk his lips up. He left the room, rather soundlessly, and made his way through the halls; the halls in which Olive would never be in anymore. She was like another mother to him, and he couldn't bare that fact that he had just lost another. No, this wasn't what life was supposed to be like and he didn't think he was ever going to shake this sense of sadness.

He passed the kitchen archway on his way back to the front foyer, and saw Sarah's plump body slumped over one of the island counter bar stools; tissues upon tissues littered the top, and soft quite sniffles fell out of her mouth. Magnus couldn't see Sarah like that, so he quickly made his way out into the foyer, up the left side of the grand staircase, and into his bedroom.

He was mad; mad that he didn't get to properly say goodbye to Olive—and at the fact that he had been out last night, getting completely wasted with the rest of his friends as he tried to expel thoughts of his mother and Alec. He could have been there, at the house. But he was at least warmed by the thought that the last time he had spoken to Olive it had been a warm conversation about how beautiful the sky had looked outside during the morning—nature was definitely one of her passions—and at least he wouldn't live with regret about his last words to her.

Magnus sat down on his high bed, resting his back against the headboard. He slowly opened the envelop taking out the letter that was addressed to him in his mothers penmanship.

Magnus Bane,

My beautiful boy; that's what you will forever more be to me. Your father is in the other room, rocking you to sleep after a nightmare, and I don't wish to disturb him during his moment of bliss to be with you. So I have decided to write you this, praying that one day—when you happen upon this letter—you will understand why loved ones do the things that they do. Everything is for you my sweet, sweet baby. Every move I take, is in mind of your future, and what happiness I know will come after much hardship I fear. Life is full of trials and tribulation baby. But I know, I just know it Magnus, that you will be just fine.

I wish Magnus, that I could chance upon being there to congratulate my little boy on his graduation, on his wedding day, on his life accomplishments, but I know I can't. I know I will not survive until that day. I won't survive to see many things happen in your life, but one day I hope you understand that all the things around you, that may be happening—whether terribly misfortunate or otherwise enlightening—is a plan I have for you. One that does not involve me in your life.

Because you see, my beautiful boy, I am sick of the mind—I've always been—and in all truth I do not want to take away from you. I don't want you to face my demons for me, Magnus. I don't want you to go through what your father already does. I love you both so much my sweet, sweet baby.

I'm sorry. This isn't the way I'd imagine things being, but as I've happened upon chance of witnessing—I can not tear the fabric of time and fate. You have a plan for you Magnus, a plan that will bring you love and happiness—as long as you let it. Let it happen to you, let love happen baby.

By the time you read this message, I will have passed, and you will think you are lost to this world, but baby, don't give up. Just know that I will always be with you, in every step you take. Look up to the sky at night, and see how the stars shine for you. I love you, my beautiful boy; and I am fortunate enough to get this time to spend with you, up until that day.

Palmer Maria Riel Bane.

Magnus let the letter drop from his hands onto the bed. He didn't realize it until he raised his forearm over his eyes that he was crying again. He took a shuddering breath in and a quite sob escaped his lips. And then another, but louder this time. His chest was heaving in the most unpleasant of ways. Now he felt empty, completely empty—as if someone took a nicely propositioned knife and carved him out whole; leaving nothing behind. "I'm trying not to think about you, mom." Magnus said out loud in the bleak quietness of his room. "Can't you just let me breathe?" It was more of a plea on his part. He wished no ill thoughts in regards to his mother, but he couldn't help the desperation he felt to be free of the sadness in his life.

There was a tentative knock on Magnus door, and he lowered his arm in time to catch the gaze of James' bright silver liquid eyes. He regarded Magnus with a sort of hesitation; but it wasn't pity that laced his features, it was genuine fear—fear for Magnus and how this day affected him deeply. To Magnus' surprise James had a very small ball of sheet-paper-white fur in his left hand: cradled against his chest was a small kitten, no bigger than a shoe.

"How are you?" James asked tentatively as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

"I could be better," Magnus answered, as he began to wipe the hot tears from his eyes. "Picking up random strays Jem?" Magnus pointed to the small kitten that was still held within his arms.

"I found him, just sitting there on your front porch. I thought you might have liked a cat," James smiled that all to familiar smile that made Magnus feel just that much better. It was crazy that James possessed the power to take all the worries away from Magnus' world. But he was definitely grateful for it—although in any other scenario, Magnus would have never wanted anyone to see him in such a vulnerable state, he was glad that James was there. "William told me not to come over."

"Oh?" Magnus quirked his eyebrow as he held out his hands, in gesture to the kitten. James placed the small body within Magnus' out stretched hands, and Magnus could have sworn he had never felt anything so soft before—besides the pale skin right at the dip of Alec's hip bones and his thin lips. But those were things Magnus didn't want to think about.

"He said you'd want to be alone." James shrugged and sat down next to Magnus on his bed. They both began to pet the white kitten; as it purred endlessly—the subtle vibrations tingled through the tips of Magnus' fingers.

"Surprisingly, I don't want to be alone at all." Magnus whispered, as he took another shuddering breath. "Jem," Magnus started and with all of his power, he willed himself not to completely breakdown when he started to speak, "Olive passed away last night. S—she's been sick for awhile." James sharply turned his head to the side to stare into Magnus' eyes. His silver eyes were filled with shock and question, as he tried to make sense of what Magnus had just said.

"Magnus, I... I'm so sorry. Oh god," James threaded his left hand into his hair and instantly tears began to collect in his silver eyes. Magnus stretched back a little bit and placed the kitten behind them on the bed.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine. Just... Shit Jem, Sage. He probably doesn't know yet. I can't tell him... I can't do that to him." Magnus' breathing started to pick up frantically.

"I'll tell him," James wiped the tears out of his eyes with the pad of his thumb; but they were only replaced by newer, fresher ones. Olive in some way was another mom to James as well. The loss of Olive would create a definite crack between everyone that new her. "And Magnus, you aren't fine,"

"Jem—"

"And it's okay to not be fine Magnus." James interjected before Magnus could continue. "You're the strongest person I know, but you can't be strong all the time. You just can't Magnus." James said with a frown and wrapped his right arm around Magnus' shoulder. Unintentionally a scattered sob broke free from Magnus' lips, and he shivered against James.

"Jem, everything is just..." Magnus sighed, "I can't wake up in the morning without my mother on my mind. I'm haunted by her image."

"It's not something that is easy to get over. Even if it has been seven years Magnus; it is your choice if you're ready to move past things. No one else's." James stroked his hand up and down against Magnus' arm, soothingly.

"But who really profits from dying?" Magnus added in a whisper, "why did she leave me?"

"Magnus, those are questions I can't answer for you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but those are things you have to answer yourself." James tucked his head into the crook of Magnus' neck. His silver hair brushed over top of Magnus' collar bone—tickling him. Magnus smiled as he tried to hold off a small laugh—because at a time like this, how could he laugh? They sat like that on the edge of Magnus' bed for a little while longer, before James began to speak again.

"What are you going to name him?" James flicked his chin to the side a bit, indicating to the tiny white kitten that was now sleeping behind them on the confines of Magnus' bed. The kitten had created a sort of nest for itself, wrapped up in the canary yellow sheets and white comforter.

"Hmm, in the true spirit of Lester Bangs, 'smoke a joint or wear a Chairman Mao', I think I'll name him Chairman... Chairman Meow." Magnus smirked to himself.

"I'll never understand why you even like Lester Bangs, that guy was insane." James shook his head and laughed to himself a bit.

"Mmm, his insanity was what made him amazing, though."

A/N: I know this was a terribly emotional chapter (well at least it was for me). At first I didn't think of Olive dying at all, but then it kind of just popped into my head, and I couldn't get it out for the life of me. I know I must seem terrible for putting all of this added weight on Magnus' shoulders, but life isn't perfect—things like this happen all the time. (I still feel extremely bad though). I had to get up and walk away from my computer a couple of times because it made me start to cry writing this.

So, also, I wanted to address some questions I got in my pm about the last chapter!
-Magnus and Alec didn't break up. It was just a little hiccup, and honestly if Alec had stayed longer it could have went either way—resolve the issue or break up. So... It was a good thing that he took himself out of the situation. Tomorrow is Sunday (in their world!) so who knows if they'll be together in that chapter or not?
-Another thing was about how Isabelle was being a *bitch. She is not used to guys treating her as if she were something to cherish, so of course she is going to react badly to Simon, because he broke all of the things she was used to. That tends to scare people, because they end up feeling so much for those people that 'break the mold'.
-And a message about Lemons. They are coming! Have faith in me, and once they are here, you'll probably get sick of them because i've written a lot of them already. But, in saying that, Magnus and Alec aren't at that point yet! So bare with me!

(I know this authors note is so long but,) I wanted to just say that I feel as if I'm not personal enough with you guys. And I want to be! I'll start to reply to all of your reviews today :D so ask questions, say hi, drop a little suggestion or something. And I promise I'll reply!

Review please :D?

Amber,