Oh shit, oh shit. Please, please, say I didn't just shove her.
"Spence, I – I…" I looked into her stormy eyes filling with tears. She hugged her herself and continued to swallow her cries.
"Her- her- here's your toast." She stuttered handing me the food with a visibly shaking hand. I took it and reached out with my other hand towards her. Spencer shot back quickly then looked down guiltily.
"Spence…" I whimpered. Slowly, she stepped closer to me.
"J-just (sniff) eat, eat your, (sniff) your toast-t." I started to wipe the silent tears from her face. "No. Please…" Solemnly, I watched as Spencer took a shaky breath and started to walk up the stairs. I followed her after standing motionless for a few seconds. I found her curled up next to the wall on my bed, between the pillows. Silent tears were falling down her beautiful face. I took a few steps forwards taking in the damage. Letting stale air fill my lungs, I moved forward after shutting the door. Taking a seat at the very end of the bed, my fingers nervously picked at the comforter. It was on the bed when I first made love to Spencer. I stopped playing with it.
"Ok Ashley, this is how things are gonna be," My eyes drew up towards her face. "No more drugs, you're going to start doing your community service because I know you've haven't done it for the past few days, and if you ever touch me like that again," she swallows, "we are done. Completely. No more, alright?"
"Ok, ok. I can do that. I can do that. I promise the drugs, ditching," I look down ashamed, "hurting you… it's done."
"And I want you to go back to school." Spencer adds in like I've said nothing.
"What? Are you fucking serious?" I ran my hands through my hair feeling overwhelmed.
"You're smarter than you think Ash."
"Do you realize how much school I've missed? I mean, it hasn't just been a few weeks and now I still have community service and, and – " Cool hands took my clammy ones and squeezed them lightly.
"Ashley, shh. I need you calm down and breath. Plus you told me once that you only had few weeks of service left. School will be no problem. So just breah."
"I can't!"
"Breath?"
"No! I – I can't go back there! How can I make that all up? I mean, I've missed test and pop quizzes and homework and, and oh Gd, Spencer! I've missed so much."
"I'll help you ok honey?" I gave her a desperate look. How could she not be freaking out?
"How can you just say that… after everything…?"
"I love you and – and it's sometimes scary and hurts, but you're always worth risking my heart. Maybe I'm naive for staying with you, but you're, gosh," a rosy blush settled over her cheeks matching the dreamy look that took over her eyes." You're so pretty and, and strong and you make my heart race really, really fast that sometimes I think it's going to burst. When I see you my I want to kiss you and when you're not around I need to. Gosh, Ashley, maybe I'm should leave you, but I never could because I'm so in love with you and you're worth the world; you are my world Ashley." I didn't notice the tears slowly rolling down my face. All I noticed was the amazing girl – woman in front of me. I took her face in my hand and lovingly caressed her cheeks with the pads of my fingers.
"I'm gonna be better for you Spencer Carlin. I promise" I brought her smiling face – eyes closed – forward and kissed her on the forehead.
"Now kiss me properly." She breathed against my lips. Smiling, I leaned back in. Finally I could relax in the comforting feel of Spencer's lips. I gently sucked her bottom lip and ran my hands through her hair. We both pulled back, resting our heads together.
"Love you."
"Love you too." Spencer laid back, taking me with her. Resting in comfortable silence we both began to let what's happened over the past few weeks really soak in. We'll talk soon, but right now we just need some security: to feel safe and calm in each other's arms.