Chapter 36

I woke up the next morning with a pounding head. It couldn't be a hangover, no, I hadn't drank a single drop last night. I'd come home, into my dark and empty house and I had thrown myself onto the bed. I'd allowed heavy sobs to take over nad rule me until sleep came to take over, but even in sleep I had found no relief from life in my dreams. Luke's face had haunted me, his smile danced in my dreams. His voice had washed over me even in my sleep, providing a soundtrack to my dreams. His kiss had claimed me, even as I tried to forget how his lips felt on mine. Then it all faded away, his smile, the voice. A sadness filled his eyes and he turned away from me, walking away. I'd never known that a heart could break in dreams, but mine did.

I glanced at my clock, the red LED numbers blaring nine forty five. Almost ten in the morning and I had no desire to get out of bed and be anything even close to resembling a responsible adult. I gave it a little more thought and realized that I didn't have to. I had no job to go to, no appointments that needed to be kept. Well then, that settled it all. Until the urge to use the bathroom was more than I could stand I was going to lay right here in this bed. Maybe I would finish the book that I was reading. Then maybe I'd start a new one.

The voice in my head crept in then, putting in it's unwanted two cents. "Oh yeah, sounds like a grand old plan. Buy yourself ten cats or so and your crazy cat lady status will be complete!" UGH I groaned. I didn't want that, but it was close to accurate. I mean, I hated cats. I didn't really want to be alone forever either, just for now. I sighed and rolled to my side, pulling my thick comforter up to my chin. Maybe instead of reading I'd just sleep.

I woke at ten til two and hurried to the bathroom. After I splashed my face with water I went to the kitchen. Whether I liked it or not I was hungry. I grabbed a large bowl, an old butter bowl, and filled it with Captain Crunch. I grabbed my favorite cereal spoon, it was bigger than the rest, and walked into the living room, plopping down on the couch. I grabbed the remote and tapped the power key and chewed as the picture slowly came to life. I swallowed and realized that CMT was playing a Luke video, what were the odds. I shoved a huge spoonful of cereal in my mouth and wondered when it had become so tasteless.

LUKE

The first thing I saw when I woke up was the clock. Nine fifteen in the morning. I stretched and rolled over, ready to wrap Bailey in my arms and kiss her awake, but as I reached for her I found nothing but empty space. Maybe she'd slipped out of the bed and headed to the kitchen. I started to sit up in the empty bed and as I did a folded paper fell from her pillow to my hands. My name was perfectly scripted on it, a soft and looping flow to her handwriting. It was beautiful, delicate almost, just like her.

As I sat upright, the note in hand, I tried to smile, but for some reason I couldn't. My gut was twisting and I felt so intensely alone. I unfolded the soft ivory paper slowly, inhaling a deep breath and exhaling it slow through clenched teeth and around the knot in my throat.

"Dear Luke,

My mind is racing as I attempt to write this, so please, if my words ramble or scatter, attempt to follow. I guess by now you know that I'm gone. I hate to of left as I did, but I really think it was the best option. I just couldn't leave without a goodbye though, so here it is.

I don't know what's going on anymore when it comes to me and you. I don't know when it all changed. The fact is though that it has changed with us. You've always been this amazing and incredible friend to me Luke, at times it's even felt like we have this weird connection. You just know that I need a friend, even if I'm at home, all those miles away, and you're just there. It's those times when I'm so down at home and all I wanna do is cry, but then I look at my phone and you've text, telling me to keep my head up and that everything will be just fine. It's like you just know what I need when I need it. Hell in all honesty, you text and check in on me more than Caroline does. You've become my best friend, but she's still my friend too, even if, at times, I feel like Jess is the only friend that really matters. (Oh God, how horribly bitchy does that sound with all that Jess is going through right now huh? So childish!)

Anyway, I've jumped off track. I told you I would. In all of the texts and calls (which I do think that I looked forward to much more than I realized), that's when it happened. When the feelings happened. It all makes sense, and I just pushed em all back in my mind cause they were just nothing but ridiculous. But then that night in the barn, they all came crashing to the forefront and now I can't get them out of my mind at all. They just won't go back to where they belong.

You kissed me, and through the haze of the alcohol and the protests, weak as they were, I melted and it felt SO right Luke, so damn right. It shouldn't of felt that way! You're married! You're my best friend! Caroline's my friend! I'm so torn between this reality of wrong and a feeling of so right. If you weren't married, oh Luke... if you weren't married it would be so easy to let every guard down and just love you. But you are, and I can't.

Leaving this time has killed me. Now I miss a friend and a man who has made me feel like I never have before. All I know is I have to shut these damn feelings down somehow and find my friend that I refuse to lose in this. That couldn't happen if I would have stayed there. Please understand that. Your smile. Your hugs. Your voice. Luke they are MY undoing! I can't allow myself to be undone. I'm so sorry Luke. I'll be in touch.

All my love,

Bailey."

The paper dropped from my hands, my head fell forward and I stared at her words. There were some that were smudged as if she'd been crying as she wrote. Had she? I could feel the urge to do just that in myself and wondered what in the hell was going on. A break-up letter and she hadn't even been mine.

I fell back onto the pillows and stared blankly up at the ceiling. Why had her words felt like a blow to my gut? Why did I miss her? Shit, I thought, maybe she wasn't the only one who had been pushing feelings to the back burner, and maybe she wasn't the only one who couldn't get them to go back to where they belonged.

I got up then, grabbing my phone. She always text when she made it home. I checked my phone, but she hadn't sent a single word this time. My heart sank. Michael had text wanting to grab a beer that night but I ignored it. I just wasn't in the mood. Then there was a text from my mama.

"I just wanted to see if you and Caroline were any better today. I wanna see my boy happy again. I love you."

"And what if I find that happiness in someone else mama?" I sent that text without thinking and groaned out loud when I realized it. Within minutes my phone was ringing.

"Hey mama," I said.

"Want to explain that text son?"

"Not really."

"Well to damn bad boy. Talk."

A heavy sigh escaped me. "Well, I just, what if I find that happy I used to have with Caro, but it's with someone new?"

"Then cut Caroline loose."

"I'm not ready for that."

"Son, you cannot and will not have your cake and eat it to. I raised you better than that shit and you know it. Are you and Caroline still doing this separation?"

"Yes ma'am," I said. Mama had me feeling properly scolded.

"Well then okay. You take this time to see what your options are. You're separated so it's okay."

"And what do I do when the only option I want ends it all before it even starts good mama," I said. Hell had my voice seriously just cracked?

"You respect her decision and accept that it wasn't meant to be."

"Yeah," I said, sounding totally defeated, even to my own ears. "I love you mama but I really gotta go." I hung up and sat there on the edge of the bed for a minute before I stood and headed to the kitchen

I grabbed a beer from the fridge and propped back on the counter as I drank it. Was it too early to be drinking? Probably, but who was there to tell me to stop? Not a damn soul, that was who. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and before I could think twice I sent Bailey a text.

"Bailey, please can we just talk about this?"

Four hours and a six pack later I'd still gotten no response from her. I put on my old mud boots and filled my cooler with ice, beer, and bottled water. I got my fishing poles and old tackle box and loaded up the old truck. Fishing was my escape from reality, and Lord knows I needed it now. I didn't know what was going on in my head, or with Bailey, or even with my wife, but I did know that I was ready to escape it, even for just the afternoon.