A Claymore Thanksgiving

She must be in heaven. That was the only explanation. This was just too wonderful for it to be real. She had to be dead. She looks around with wide sparkling eyes, her mouth watering at the sight in front of her. Before her are rows and rows of tables covered in nothing but food. There were at least four tables with all kinds of apple dishes on them. She couldn't believe there were so many possibilities with apples. These tables were her favorite. She moved on to look at the other tables. There were many tables of all kinds of deserts, meats, and bread. She was soooooooooooo happy. She never wanted to leave.

Deneve: What's she doing?

Clare: I don't know. It looks like she's trying to eat her pillow.

Deneve: I see that, but why?

Clare: Who cares? Knowing her she's probably dreaming of food. Hey, look at all the drool!

Miria: What are you two doing?

Deneve: Watching Helen eat her pillow.

Clare: Watching Helen drown in her drool.

Miria: What?! Why didn't you wake her up?!!!

Clare: It's more fun to watch, (Deneve nods her head in agreement.) but if you want me to wake her up then I will. (Raises her hand.)

Miria: NO! DON'T HIT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clare: Fine! (Turns towards Helen with an evil smirk on her face.) OH NO!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE ATE ALL THE APPLES IN THE WORLD AND NOW YOU'LL NEVER EAT ANOTHER APPLE FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helen's eyes snap open and her face has a look of pure horror and despair.

Helen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE APPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THE APPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Weeping) MMMMYYYYYY PPPPOOOOOOOOORRRRR AAAAPPPPPPPPLLLLEEEESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN I EVER LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helen and Clare are rolling on the floor laughing while Helen weeps about the loss of her precious apples. Miria, on the other hand, looks as if she's developed some sort of a migraine.

Helen: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY PAIN IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEITHER IS THE FACT THAT ALL THE APPLES IN THE WORLD ARE NOW GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Wailing)

This makes Clare and Deneve laugh harder.

Miria: Sigh Helen….

Helen: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clare and Deneve are now laughing so hard they can't breathe.

Miria: Helen! Your precious apples are safe! Clare thought that was an appropriate way to wake someone! (Glares at Clare who is still rolling on the ground laughing.)

Helen: There are still apples in the world? Sniff

Miria: Yes.

Helen: You mean that apples can still spread their apply cheer to everyone? (Her eyes light up with hope again.)

Miria: ……Yes. (Exasperated)

Helen: Yay! Apples!!!! (She gets up and starts jumping up and down.)

Helen is so happy that apples still exist she completely forgets Clare was the one who lied to her. Miria's migraine starts to get worse and Clare and Deneve take that as their cue to leave. Now that their fun had been ruined they had no reason to stay and face Miria's wrath. Helen suddenly remembers her wonderful dream and stops them by grabbing their arms.

Helen: I had the best dream ever!

Clare: So?

Helen: Well, it has given me an awesome idea.

Deneve: No thanks.

Helen: Why not? You haven't even heard my idea!

Deneve: You're "awesome" (Everyone could hear the quotation marks when she said it.) ideas always end in disaster!

Helen: Do not! (Deneve looks at Helen.) Ok, maybe there were a few unfortunate incidents, but this is an awesome idea! We can have a huge meal!!! You know everyone make a whole bunch of dishes and then we eat them all tonight!!!

Deneve: We're in the middle of a waste land. There's no way we can have a huge meal like that. Besides, we don't eat like that; well, except you.

Miria: I don't think this will be possible.

Helen: Why not? (Whining.)

Miria: Well, it would be a waste of food for one thing.

Helen: Nuh-uh! (Still whining.) We can eat leftovers! (Clare: Yeah, for the next millennium. Smack! Ouch!) Don't be so pessimistic Clare. It won't take that long. I eat a lot. (Smiles) Besides, it will help build team moral! (Deneve: Doubtful. Wham! Ouch!) Whack! (Deneve hits her.) Owww! See Miria, we desperately need an exercise in team building that doesn't involve violence. (Gives Miria her best sad puppy dog eyes.)

Miria: ….Fine, but you're in charge of the organization.

Helen: Yay!!! This is going to be sooooooooo much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on, Clare and Deneve let's go make lots of food for tonight!

Clare: MIRIA!

Deneve: SAVE US!

Miria: Why? It's more fun to watch. Think of this as punishment for watching Helen nearly drown in her drool.

Miria walks away leaving Clare and Deneve to their fates.

Many hours later

Deneve: I can't believe Helen made us do all the work!

Clare: Heh Heh Heh (Extremely evil laugh.)

Deneve: All she did was sit there and order us around and where did she find all this food?! There's nothing here! It's impossible! What did she do?! Sneak away in the middle of the night and rob the entire western region of food?!

Clare: Peeerfect….

Deneve: Clare! Are you listening to me?!

Clare turns around and looks at Deneve confused.

Clare: What? (Hiding something behind her back.)

Deneve: I was talking to you! (Notices she's hiding something behind her back.) Hey, what's that?

Clare: Uh, nothing. (Backs away from her.)

Deneve: Yeah right. Let me see. (Tries to grab her arm.)

Clare: No! It's mine!

Clare tries to avoid Deneve and hide the thing behind her back. Deneve manages to corner her.

Deneve: If you don't show me I'll tell Miria.

Clare: No, come on, don't be a tattletale.

Deneve: Oh, name calling, that's another one!

Clare: Fine!

Clare shows Deneve what she was attempting to hide. It was brown and looked like it was impersonating a pie.

Deneve: What is that?

Clare: A pie.

Deneve leans in to take a closer look at the so called pie. It looks familiar, but she can't quite place where she's seen something that looks like that. She smells it and finally it hits her.

Deneve: CLARE! THAT'S NOT A PIE!!!!

Clare: It is too a pie!!!

Deneve: THAT'S MUD IN A DISH!!!!

Clare: Wrong! It's a mud pie.

Deneve: ………….

Clare: What?

Deneve: WE CAN'T EAT THAT!!!!!

Clare: I know that and you know that, but Helen doesn't. (Evil smile forming on her face.)

Deneve: ….. Helen would eat anything……. (Evil smile forming on her face.)

Helen: (Calling from outside.) Hey, what are you guys doing?!

Clare/ Deneve: Nothing. (Sickening sweet tone and smiling evilly.)

Later that evening

Helen: Ok, it's time to eat. Come on everyone! See the wonderful meal I've prepared for all of you!

Deneve: What do you mean you prepared?! Clare and I did all the work! You just sat there day dreaming about apples!

Helen: Well, it was my idea. So, I get to take all the credit.

Deneve: Helen…..

Cynthia: It's ok Deneve. We all know that Helen is the second worst cook here and that there is no way she would've been able to make all this by herself.

Tabitha: Yeah, let's just get this over with.

Yuma: Uh… Where's Clare?

Clare: I'm right here. I had to go pick up something. (Dragging something with her.)

Miria: Clare…. Why?

Helen: CLARE! WHAT'S THAT?!

Clare: It's Snow Raki.

Helen: YOU CAN'T BRING THAT THING TO MY DINNER!!!

Clare: I CAN TOO!!! AND IT'S NOT A THING!!!! IT'S SNOW RAKI!!!!

Helen: IT'S MY DINNER AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY!!!! MIRIA SAID SO!!!

Miria: Sigh Helen, she can bring her snowman in.

Helen: But…

Clare: Yay!!! Come on Snow Raki! I'll show you where we're sitting!

Clare drags Snow Raki towards the table that Helen conveniently found in an undisclosed location. Helen follows Miria inside stomping all the way to the table. Everyone notices Helen's bad mood and decides to placate her for now. Considering all the food within her reach it could be possibly messy if they tested her temper.

Helen: Ok, now I'll tell you about my dream! It was the most wonderful dream ever! (Clare: Oh, I know Snow Raki, that must have been horrible.) I was dreaming that there were tables and tables covered in nothing but food! (Clare: I agree with you Snow Raki, who cares?) There were also tables covered in nothing but apples dishes! (Clare: Yes, Snow Raki, apples aren't my favorite type of food either.) CLARE! SHUT UP! HOW DARE YOU INSULT APPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miria: Helen! I think it's time to eat.

Helen: Oh yeah, food. Yay! Ok, let's eat!

They all begin to eat. Helen eats with so much excitement that little bits of food are flying everywhere.

Clare: Oh, I totally agree Snow Raki. I don't like messy eaters either. (Helen's eyes twitches.) Look Snow Raki! I can eat this messy sauce thing and not get a single drop on me.

Helen's hand begins to shake, but then she sees pie and forgets all about Clare. Deneve and Clare watch in amazement as Helen eats the entire pie in under a minute.

Deneve: Wow……..

Helen: That was the best pie ever! (Deneve: Gag!)

Miria: What was wrong with the pie?

Cynthia: I have an idea! Why don't we go around the table and say what we're thankful for! (Jumping up and down in her chair.)

Tabitha: Oh, that's a wonderful idea!

Clare: Snow Raki and I say it's stupid!

Deneve: I agree with them… I mean her.

Yuma: I think it's a good idea.

Miria: I think my headache is coming back.

Helen: I like it! I go first! I'm thankful for….. (Clare: Leans towards Deneve Bet ya I know what she says.) Apples!!!!! (Clare: I knew it.)

Cynthia: I'm thankful that I'm here with all of you, my dear friends, and that I can spend every waking moment with all of you. (Smiling and radiating happiness and cheer.)

Helen: Uh… Thanks. Next!

Tabitha: I'm thankful for all of Cuddles' babies that I get to play with everyday. (Everyone Shudders.)

Yuma: I'm thankful that everyone lets me hang around even though I'm useless.

Helen: Uh yeah right. Next!

Deneve: I'm thankful for my infinite patience that allows me to keep control of my temper and prevents me from killing Helen in the most horrible ways imaginable. (Smiles sweetly.)

Helen: (Frightened.) Uh… Thanks, I think. Miria!

Miria: Let me think some more. (I can't think of one right now. How do I say what I'm thankful for without sounding mean?)

Helen: Clare!

Clare: I'm thankful for Snow Raki. Snow Raki, what are you thankful for? Oh, you're thankful for the song I wrote for you? Why thank you Snow Raki. Of course I'll sing it for you …… IIIIIIII'm lookin for my Raki in a tree. Is he there? No I don't think he can be. I'm looking for my Raki in a house. Is he there? No nothing but a mouse. I'm searchin far and wide for my Raki. Where oh where can he really be? I'm goin out huntin for Raki. I will look for an eternity. No one better hurt my Ra-aki. Kill kill kill….

Helen: MIRIA BANNED THAT SONG!!! MIRIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miria: Clare….

Clare: Oh Snow Raki did you know I wrote you another song……. Snow Raki Snow Raki I really love my Snow Raki. Snow Raki you are so glisteny and not melty. Oh….

Helen: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE RUINING MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!!

Miria: Helen! (Yep, headache defiantly returning.) It's starting to get a bit dark. Why don't you go make a fire? (Notices Helen's evil smile.) Away from Clare's snowman. (Clare: Snow Raki!) …Snow Raki. (Her right eye is beginning to twitch.)

Helen stomps away mumbling to herself and starts throwing things into a pile to make the fire.

Clare: Of course Snow Raki! Oh, you are soooooo funny! Hahaha!!!

Helen succeeds in starting the fire and glares back at Clare, who is talking to "Snow Raki". She glares for a few moments longer before she is struck with a brilliant idea.

Helen: OH NO!!! (Mock concern.) I'M TRIPPING WITH A FLAMING TORCH IN MY HAND!!! OH NO, I HOPE IT DOESN'T LAND ON ANYTHING THAT COULD MELT!!!!!!!!!!!!

The flaming torch flies in the air towards Snow Raki. Everyone watches its progress towards the unfortunate snowman and Clare is frozen in horror. The torch lands on poor Snow Raki and he melts impossibly fast.

Clare: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SNOW RAKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Looks at Helen and sees her evil smirk.) YOU!!!!!!!!!! YOU KILLED MY SNOW RAKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helen: SO WHAT? YOU RUINED MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!!!!! NOW WE'RE EVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clare: YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU KNOW THAT PIE YOU LOOOOOOOVED SOOOOOOOO MUCH? IT WAS A MUD PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helen: Gasp! YOU MADE ME EAT A MUD PIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clare: I DIDN'T MAKE YOU EAT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST BECAUSE IT'S IN FRONT OF YOU DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miria: I wonder if the others would be mad if I accidently killed them. Sigh Probably. It would also make me a bad leader. I could just tie them up and gag them and leave them in a corner.

Helen: YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THE MUD PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clare: WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR KILLING SNOW RAKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They both lunge and start punching and kicking each other. Everyone watches their fight progress outside, while Miria sits and eats quietly.

Miria: Sit down and finish eating. (They all do as she asked.) I believe I never got my turn. I'm thankful that my migraine is finally gone.

Clare and Helen continue to fight into the night while everyone else finishes their meal and sleeps peacefully. The next day Miria told Yuma and Cynthia to drag their battered bodies back to the cave. They were left in a corner and ignored while the rest of the group enjoyed the leftovers of last night's dinner.