We were on our way back towards headquarters. I didn't want to know how many of our soldiers had died. Many of their deaths would fall on my shoulders, and my shoulders alone because, in the end, I was the one who commanded them to act. It wasn't within my power, and yet they followed my orders to their deaths. I may never understand why.
The steady pound of hooves was all that kept me sane. I had said nothing since we left, and I could feel Levi growing uncomfortable. He rode his horse up next to Kaneki, arching a questioning eyebrow as he through a look in my direction. I sped up. I didn't want to look at him. At anyone, for that matter.
The rest of the journey was a blur. My mind was blank. Part of me wished I would have died in Wall Maria. Upon our arrival, a meeting was called in the mess hall of all remaining troops. We organized ourselves into our squads, and did a head count. 7 squads were missing. 13 squads had one or more members missing. 62 people had died that day. 62 lives, their blood on my hands. I felt nauseous. I wanted to bury myself alive. Let me be, I don't deserve to be here any more. I felt a steady hand fall on my shoulder from behind. "This isn't your fault," I heard Levi's voice whisper into my ear. "You only did what was right. Imagine how many lives were saved today."
I didn't deserve these words. Not right now. I wonder how many of these men blame me for the lives lost today. I was about to respond when Commander Shadis called everyone to attention.
"It has come to my attention that I am no longer fit for the position of Commander of the Survey Corps. As of today I am stepping down from the position. I have felt this way for quite some time, and today has only confirmed my suspicions
that I am not fit to lead. As of right now, Erwin Smith is your new Commander. I hope you learn to treat him as such."
The hall immediately erupted. His words felt like a slap in the face. As if what he meant to say was, "Fuck you guys clean this mess up yourselves. I'm out of here." As if these soldiers haven't been through enough today. I thought I knew Shadis better than that. I thought he was a better man. Turns out he's nothing more than a coward.
Erwin was climbing on top of a table. A very panicked look splayed across his face. I don't think Erwin was warned about this situation. I didn't stick around to see what he was going to say. I pushed my way through the crowd towards the door. I was emotionally and physically drained. I didn't need, no, couldn't bare to hear what he had to say. Once I hit the wooden floors of the hall, I started running. Away from what, who knows? But I was gone. I went to the first place my mind could think of, my lab. Its where it all started for me. It's the one place I truly felt safe.
My pace slowed once I burst through the doors of my library turned workshop. I glanced up, not helping but to think about Levi's and my first few days here. I laid on the ground, wishing the last two days would disappear
I must've passed out. I had been up for the past 36 hours or so. I woke up in my room, and I was fairly certain it was Levi who put me there. He would of course have known my lab was the first place I would have run. I pondered calling in sick today, but I knew I needed to appear strong for the cadets, especially for the people in the lab under me. We had to work twice as hard because we aren't safe within the walls anymore.
I made my way down to the mess hall, unsure of what time it was, as per my usual. Based on the relative emptiness of the hall, I guessed it was probably around 10am. I should really get into the habit of carrying a watch with me. As I sat down with my usual bowl of oatmeal, someone slid into the seat across the table. I glanced up.
"Morning Erwin."
"Taylor. You just keep getting up later each day, don't you."
I shrugged. "Can you blame me? Mornings are such a drag."
Erwin's tone suddenly took a serious tone, "I have something to ask you, and I want you to answer how you truly feel, not what you think I want to hear, alright?"
I arched my eyebrow questioningly, then nodded my head in agreeance.
"I want you to fill in my old role as Captain of the Survey Corps."
I have to admit I choked on my food there for a second. I was in utter shock. What? With a mouthful of oatmeal and in obvious confusion, I replied, "What? Captain?"
"After all, there is an opening now for the role. I can't think of anyone better to fill it than you."
"You must be joking. I've been on two expeditions, and almost my entire squad was killed in the first."
Erwin responded, "You forget that you have 22 titan kills to your name. Plus you have already proven yourself to be an adept leader and strategizer. I can't say I won't be disappointed if you don't accept the offer, but you have every right to say no."
"I'll do it." The words flew out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying.
I think my facial expression showed my own surprise at myself as Erwin stood up abruptly and said, "Well that settles that. Feel free to take the rest of the day off, Captain. It is well deserved." He didn't give me a chance to even think about taking back my words. What was I to do with myself now?