Author's Note: While doing this episode, I had to stop and ask myself; why the hell is it so fun writing drunk David? Sure, it's fun doing normal David, but being intoxicated on top of that is just a blast. What the heck?! Oh, well, this chapter was a lot of fun, so here you go! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 34

The World We Are In

Mist swirled in the inky night sky of London as the figure that'd appeared at the end of the street struggled to pick itself back up. Kai and Louis watched it, mouth agape and still surrounded by Chiropterans.

"It's…it's…!" Kai stammered, barely able to believe what he was seeing.

"It's Celine!" Louis finished for him, face beaming with excitement. "She's back! Ohh, I can't wait to hear 'My Heart Will Go On' again!"

"No, Louis!" Kai corrected him. "It's Saya! She's finally come back!"

"Aww…" Louis slumped over in disappointment. Kai gave him a strange look.

"And what could she have done against the Chiropterans anyway?" He asked dubiously. Louis thought for a moment before answering.

"…Sing?"

"…Good one…" Kai raised his eyebrows and whistled.

"I wish Celine were here," Louis muttered to himself. "Besides, how can you be sure it's Saya?"

"Mother-bleeping son of a bleep and second cousin of a mother-bleeper with the third uncle's bleeping son twice removed-!!" A string of curses reached their ears, which quickly turned inside out due to the severity of the blasphemous oaths. Louis blinked, then turned and hollered over.

"Welcome back, honey! We missed ya!"

Saya slowly picked herself up from the dirty street, brushing her new skirt off and standing tall, the dramatic music swelling once again as she did so. Scowling, she turned around and glared at Haji, who was playing his cello with gusto.

"Will you stop?!" She asked angrily. The dramatic music screeched to a halt as Haji paused.

"…Would you prefer a ho-down?" He asked politely. Saya's murderous gaze was answer enough. "…Alright, then. Perhaps later." He quickly put his cello away and rushed to her side, ready for battle.

"Wait, how were you playing the trumpets-" Saya began to ask in confusion.

"Let's go!" Haji cried, cutting her off. The two readied themselves for attack.

A nearby Chiropteran quivered in excitement, thick lines of drool oozing grotesquely from its mouth in anticipation. It slowly raised one meaty claw and held up…Julia's Maxim Magazine cover.

"Man this chick's HAWT!" The Chiropteran gushed, eyeing the lovely Julia in her lingerie and drooling a little more. "Anyone got her number?"

"Hey, that's mine!" Louis cried in outrage, snatching the magazine back. This, predictably, angered the horny monster, who bellowed in rage but was cut down by Saya before it could cause any harm. Blood gushed from the dieing Chiropterans body, dousing Saya thoroughly, much to her annoyance.

"Aww, dammit!" She cursed, stamping a foot. "This crap is dry-clean only!"

"Just like old times, eh, Saya?" Haji said cheerfully, standing nice and clean beside her. Saya glared at him, kicked a puddle of the Chiro's blood on his shoes ("These are 500 dollar Gucchi!!"), then went off and killed the last two Chiropterans who stood around like idiots. More blood flew, and by the time it was all over, everyone was covered in blood.

"Well this sure takes me back!" Kai stated, wet and dripping. "I can't say I missed being covered in sticky monster effluence, but…nice to see you again! Lay some sugar on me, toots!" He turned to Saya, going for a sloppy open-mouth kiss.

Saya head-butted him.

"Aw man, I've missed you, Saya!" Louis laughed, running up. "How you been, girl? And where the HELL did you buy them sexy boots?!"

"Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten," Saya answered readily, modeling off her new footwear. "Now I gotta go, I don't have time to waste with you fu- Zzzzz…" Suddenly she keeled over mid-insult, fast asleep. Both Kai and Haji leapt to catch her falling form, but bonked heads during the attempt, leaving Louis to be the one to save her.

"Hey, is she alright?" The large man asked worriedly, picking her up in his arms. "Has she been eating properly?"

"Looks like you have," Haji grunted, still sour about not being the one to hold Saya. Louis bitch-slapped him for insolence.

"That ain't what I meant," he growled dangerously. "Blood! Has she been drinking blood regularly?" Haji was silent, avoiding his gaze. "No, huh? Well then…" Louis sighed and dragged out a large tub. "Alright, Kai. Fill this bitch up. Come on, we ain't got all day." Kai looked from the tub to Louis and laughed nervously. No-one joined in.

"-ahahaha- why aren't you laughing?" Kai stared at the others. They stared back. Suddenly he broke for the nearby alleyway and Haji gave chase, knife drawn.

-Elsewhere, in the Lab Facility Place Again-

Julia was very, very busy. She had a lot of work to do. And by work, I mean watching one of the male Corpse Corps soldiers work out at the gym.

"Ooh, yeah," she murmured, leaning close to the screen, "you're getting' all sweaty for me, aren't you, baby? Whoo, now the shirt's coming off! Oh, he is stacked! I- eep!" She suddenly sat back from the monitor and switched the camera to a boring image of a Corpse Corps soldier standing unmoving in his cell as Collins entered the room. "Hey, professor, what's up?" Julia asked innocently, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Not much," Collins answered, walking over, "I just wanted to- why is your shirt off?"

Julia blinked and looked down. She was sitting there in her skirt and bra.

"…It was hot." She stated blankly. Collins glanced at the thermostat.

"It's sixty-five degrees in here."

"Well I grew up in Alaska so it's hot to ME!" Julia huffed, quickly donning her shirt (although it made little difference to the level of indecent exposure). "Now what do you want?"

"Here." Collins held out a fresh cup of coffee for her. Julia stared at it.

"I'm not drinking that." She said bluntly.

"What? Why not?" Collins complained. "Come on, it's not like I put anything in it!"

"Then you drink it." Julia crossed her arms and regarded him seriously. Sweat popped up on his brow, but he stared back at her grimly.

"Fine!" He downed the cup in one gulp and banged it down on the desktop. "See? It's perfectly fine! Now I wanted to talk to you about how creating the Corpse Corps isn't a blasphemous sin against God, I'm sure he's grateful to us for making his workload lighter! In fact, I- did you hear that?!" Collins' head snapped around and he glared at the wall. "That monkey was laughing at me! Damn dirty apes! I'll have you all put to death! Death to the monkeys!!" He fell over backwards, unconscious.

"Told you," Julia sighed, then turned back to her 'work' on the computer. "Ooh, it's shower time isn't it, big boy? Looks like I'm just in time!" She paused, then used copy and paste to slap a picture of David's face over the soldier's head. "Gawd I miss you," she whispered, then began making out with the screen.

Elsewhere, in another room in the compound, Van Argeno watched through a private monitor with his jaw nearly hitting the floor as Julia frenched her computer.

"I am so putting this up on Youtube…"

-The Next Day…-

Back at the small house Kai and Louis were staying at, it was time for breakfast! But for Monique, it meant it was time for hell on earth.

"Eat your breakfast!" Monique growled at the younger kids, who instead seemed content with flinging their food around the table and shrieking like banshees.

"Lemme tell you somethin'!" David slurred and swayed, slum drunk after finding one of Boozie's smaller cousins. Sitting next to him, Louis leaned to one side and farted, inciting the rabid dog's rage and setting him on a helpless Kai. At the end of the table, the old man (whom I now know is called Gray) ignored all the commotion, instead concentrating on making more crack for sale.

My, my, my. What a wonderfully dysfunctional family they are.

"I just peed." One of the children stated, making Monique groan loudly.

"Dammit!!" She turned to David and snatched up his Boozie jr. "Gimme some of that!" After taking a deep swig, she coughed for a bit, then glared at him. "Hey, wanna know something? There's a girl named Saya and a perverted dude named Haji resting upstairs right now."

Upon hearing the names 'Saya' and 'perverted' plus 'Haji', David couldn't help but spit out his mouthful of alcohol all over the children.

"Great! Now they're covered in pee AND booze!" Monique lamented loudly.

"Well then that makes three of us," David stated, raising his hands. The children cheered and threw their plates in the air.

"Alright. That does it. All three of you upstairs in the tub, NOW!!" Monique ordered, standing up and brandishing a small firearm at the group. David stared.

"Where'd you get that?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Louis gave it to me," Monique grunted.

"…You wash it?"

"No, why?"

"…Nothing."

-Meanwhile, Upstairs-

Upstairs, in the one of the small bedrooms, Saya lay sleeping peacefully while Haji watched over her. Kai and Louis decided to ruin the moment by inviting themselves in, and Louis gave the perverted chevalier the rundown of what'd been happening during his absence.

"-and so then that whore Tila Tequila decides she needs to do another season," he was in the middle of saying. "As if the first one wasn't puke-worthy enough. Oh, and don't even get me started on American Idol! That damn Simon-"

"Does he really need to know all this?" Kai suddenly broke in, sitting next to Saya's bed. "That kinda crap is important?"

"Uh, yes?" Louis retorted, giving Kai a look. "Anyway, Haji, what've you two been doing this past year?"

"Gettin' it ON!!" Haji crowled loudly, pumping his fists in the air.

"He liiiiies!" Saya mumbled in her sleep, furrowing her brow and tossing a bit.

"I mean training," Haji quickly corrected. Saya settled down.

"Oh, well, it's great you two are back safe and sound!" Louis went on with a shrug. "Right, Kai? …Kai?" He turned to find Kai leaning over Saya's sleeping form, a mischievous look in his eye.

"Shh!!" Kai held a finger to his lips and jerked his head at Saya. "Watch!" He cleared his throat and, leaning even closer, whispered, "Diva!"

"GrrrraaaaAAAWWWRRR!!" Saya immediately growled and snarled like a hibernating bear being disturbed, moving her arms about and tossing her head. Kai giggled at the sight and decided to try more.

"Charlie Sheen!"

"Mnnnnaaaaaaawwwwrrr!!"

"Kai, stop that!" Louis barked in annoyance. Kai ignored him and went for one last push.

"Sanjaya!" He whispered in her ear. Saya went completely still for a moment.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!!" Still asleep, she hopped out of bed, picked the bed UP, and brought it crashing down on Kai's vulnerable head. Then she hopped back INTO bed and continued sleeping. Louis stared at Kai's twitching form for several moments before speaking.

"See what happens when you don't listen to me?"

-Later-

"I'm coming in!" Monique declared, knocking gently on the bedroom door before peeking in. Kai still sat by Saya's bedside (with fantastic bandage accessory around his bruised noggin) as Monique hustled in, holding an armful of clothes.

"Gee, thanks!" Kai gushed, standing up and starting to remove his shirt.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Monique stopped him, face bright red. "These clothes aren't for you, they're for her!!" She gestured at the sleeping Saya's form. Kai frowned.

"Yeah, but," he blushed, "they'd look good on me, too, right?"

"…I'm not even going there," Monique sighed, stepping past him and getting a good look at Saya. "Wow, she's pretty!"

"Oh geez, not another one!" Kai groaned at her, rolling his eyes.

"Huh?"

"Nothing," Kai returned, then cleared his throat loudly. "Cough! Lesbian Magnet! Cough, cough!"

"You know," Monique stated, "putting 'cough' around a word doesn't make it any less understandable." She sidled up close to Saya and slowly reached a hand out to touch her face. Not a smart move, girlfriend!

"I said NO, Haji-Karl-Solomon-Kaori-Min-That-One-Girl-In-Siberia!!" Saya awoke instantly and grabbed Monique by the throat. They stared at one another for several long moments.

"…Hi." Monique finally managed to squeak out. Saya's eyes narrowed.

"Aw, geez, not another one!" She released Monique and let her fall to the floor. "Where am I? What's going on? Where's Haji? Is that your final answer?"

"Um, you're staying at a house with me, Louis, and David," Kai filled her in.

"Here, I washed your clothes for you!" Monique, still a bit shaken, held out Saya's freshly cleaned clothes.

"Wait…you mean you took my clothes off?" Saya blinked.

"Details, girl, details!" Kai cried, grabbing hold of Monique and shaking her vigorously. "Spill! Size, shape, texture, let's GO!"

"Hello?" The door suddenly opened and Haji poked his head in. "Did someone call me? My pervert senses are going nuts out here."

"Oh, now you show up, huh?" Saya glared at Haji angrily. Snatching up her cleaned clothes, she quickly donned her new purple jacket-skirt combo and pulled on her boots. "Let's go," she told her chevalier ominously, and the pair walked gravely out the door, a single Tide static-cling sheet fluttering from Saya's ass.

Once outside, Saya and her man-slave were immediately set upon by the family's rabid dog, who didn't seem to like them anymore it did Kai (and that's sayin' something). Saya was in the middle of glaring murderously at it when a strange noise emanated from somewhere on her person.

"…Did you just fart, or are you hungry?" Haji asked after a beat, and Saya growled.

"I'm hungry!" She grunted, "and this dog's gonna be on the menu if it don't shut its yap!"

"Aww, don't worry," Gray laughed, walking up to the duo and reaching a hand out toward the excited canine, "she's really swee- AAUUUUUUUGHHH!!" He yanked back the bleeding stump of what was left of his hand and grinned weakly at Saya. "It's okay! I didn't need that hand anyway!"

"…I'm leaving now," Saya stated quietly. "Please don't try to stop me." She began slowly inching around the bleeding old man when he cocked an eyebrow and stopped her with a single sentence.

"We have ice-cream."

Saya froze.

"…With…chocolate syrup?" She whispered harshly.

"And sprinkles," Gray added with a grin.

"I…LOVE…you!" Saya whimpered, tears welling in her eyes.

"Ice-cream for breakfast," Haji wondered aloud, "I don't think that's really health-"

"SHUT THE BLEEP UP HAJI!! WE'RE STAYING FOR BREAKFAST!!"

-Breakfast Tiiiiime!-

Saya sat at the family's small table, finishing her enormous bowl of ice-cream and watching the kids with a mixture of disgust/curiosity.

"Why do they smell like pee?" She thought to herself as she licked the bowl clean. Nearby, Louis stood at the oven, his sleeves rolled up as he cooked vigorously.

"Alright, let's put some more butter and maple syrup!" He crowed, adding both to the frying pan before him.

"Dude, you're not even making pancakes!" Kai complained.

"…So?" Louis asked blankly.

"Who taught you how to cook, anyway?!"

"Paula Dean!"

"Figures…" Kai sighed and gave up. At the fridge behind him, Gray cleared his throat loudly.

"Well, we need some eggs!" He said brightly. "Kai and Saya, go get some more from the back yard, would you?"

"We don't needs eggs," Kai scoffed. "I just went this morning and got some!"

"We've already used them all," Gray retorted. "We're all out. Go get some."

"I can see them in the fridge right behind you!" Kai cried, pointing. Gray gave him a crazed, insane look and began slowly walking closer and closer to him.

"Okay, okay! We're going! Geez! Come on, Saya," Kai quickly grabbed Saya's hand and hauled her out the door to the backyard. There, chickens clucked in the green grass and warmed themselves in the sun. Kai cautiously approached one, hand outstretched and clucking in friendship.

"Hey, chicky-chick! Cluck, cluck! Gimme your eggs, okay? Cluck! Just gimme your- AUUUUUGH!!" He stumbled backwards as the chicken launched itself at his face, claws slashing. As Kai struggled with the violent fowl, Saya simply stepped up and punted it like a football across the yard (don't arrest me, PETA!). "…Well you've sure changed," Kai muttered, sitting up and brushing himself off. "Here, catch." He tossed Saya an egg, which she fumbled and dropped to the ground with a splat.

"…Whoops," Saya coughed nervously, backing away from the mess.

"Aww, geez, Saya," Kai sighed, kneeling in the grass, "this egg was a metaphor of our family life, so warm and fragile! Now look, it's all shattered and gooey! It represents how we were, and how we are now! …Man I'm deep!"

"…Actually, I just dropped the egg," Saya cut him off. "It's no big deal, really. Just get me a rag or something and I'll clean it up."

"You think it's that easy?!" Kai stood up suddenly, looking Saya in the eye. "Lemme tell you about the people here. There's Nahabi, the little boy brat who pisses over everything. Then there's Javier, the little girl brat who also pisses over everything. After that there's Gray, the old crack-makin' man who owns the place. And last of all there's Monique, whose bed you slept in. I wish she'd joined you. …And smelled you a little."

"I suggest you shut up before I make you lay this bitch," Saya said dangerously, holding up an egg she'd just gotten. Kai stared at the white oval and gulped. "And why are you telling me this stuff anyway? It's not like we're fighting together anymore. You and I are different!"

"Hey, I know!" Kai drawled, rolling his eyes extravagantly. "I went to Health Class!" He pointed at his own crotch. "Penis!" He pointed at Saya's. "Vagina! See, I know that we're different!"

"That's not what I meant!" Saya huffed, placing a protective hand in front of her business. "I meant our strength, our feelings, and everything else!"

"So…you're saying you have a penis?" Kai asked, thoroughly confused.

"Were you even listening?!"

Elsewhere on the premises, Haji was enjoying a stroll in the warm morning sun. At least, he was until he rounded the shed and came upon a noisily-vomiting David. Luckily his back was to him, so after several long moments of staring in silence, he began slooooowly backing away, careful not to make a sound.

"Hold on, you!"

"Damn." Haji froze in his tracks and looked at David, who wiped his mouth and turned around. "What happened to you?" The chevalier asked coolly. "You give up fighting?"

"Yeah," David replied with amusement, "I traded in my gun for this." He held up a flask of liquor. "And I traded in Julia for this." He held up his hand.

An awkward silence passed between the two.

"…Perhaps that's not an appropriate thing to say in a teen-rated fic," David stated uncomfortably.

"I second that," Haji agreed with a cough. "Let's just forget the fic author ever wrote that sentence, shall we?" Suddenly he gasped, his whole body jerking in surprise.

"What's wrong?!" David asked worriedly.

"…Nothing, I just had to fart." Haji admitted, blushing.

"Oh, I thought a Chiropteran had appeared…" David settled back down.

"Well yes, that too, but I thought you were more interest in my flatulence problem that a stupid little-"

"Haji!!" Saya came bolting over the lawn to her loyal man-slave's side. "There's a Chiro- euuuuugh! What is that smell?!"

"That'd be me!" David said proudly, raising a hand.

"And me," Haji added. Saya gave them both disgusted looks before continuing.

"Listen to me! A Chiropteran is nearby! It might even be in the-"

Screams suddenly echoed from the small house.

"…house!" Saya finished.

"I'll save them!" Kai declared, bolting for the building.

"No, you're too weak! Plus I'm the main character!" Saya hollered, taking off after him. "I'll do it!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

As the two squabbled and ran for the house, David suddenly gasped aloud and jumped to his feet.

"Oh, no!" He cried. "Boozie Jr.'s in there! Boozie, I'm coming!!" He began sprinting away, leaving Haji standing there like an idiot.

"Um…Saya's ass is over there," Haji shrugged and started after them. "I'm sorry, that's all I can come up with."

Inside the house, a lone Chiropteran was running rampant, going berserk thanks to Gray and his inability to clean up his crack leftovers. Now it was not only bloodthirsty, but flying higher than a kite. Nice going, old man.

"You owe me fifty bucks, you bastard!" Gray shouted at the monster, firing his shotgun. "And that was my good stuff, too! Damn you!" His curses were cut short as the Chiropteran threw his against the wall, but luckily he was saved.

"Take this!" Louis rolled in a cannon from the hallway, lit it with a torch, and let a cannonball fly. "Yeah, now we're talking!"

Shaking its large head to clear it, the bruised and smoldering Chiropteran staggered to its feet and lurched out of the kitchen, staggering up the stairs and to the second floor of the house. Reaching one of the bedroom doors, it bashed it open and stuck its head inside.

"Eeeek!" Monique stood there, obviously in the middle of changing. "Get OUT, you perv!" She shrieked, throwing a pillow at the rude monster, who blushed and quickly retreated out of the room.

"Sorry, sorry!" It apologized, then came to its senses. "What the? Why the hell should I care?! You're all meals on legs, as far as I'm concerned!!" It barged right back into the room ("What is wrong with you?!"), and, seemingly following Saya's scent, crouched on the bed, snuffling away.

Downstairs, Kai and Saya had finally reached the house and were ready to help.

"Where's the Chiropteran?!" Kai asked between gasps.

"Upstairs with Monique!" Louis answered. Kai paused.

"…Doing what, exactly?"

"Eating her, you idiot!" Louis cried, shoving the foolish boy toward the stairs.

"Where's my sword?!" Saya yelled in the commotion, unable to find her weapon. Everyone was a bit too busy at the moment to help her out.

Upstairs, Monique was still trapped in the bedroom with the dangerous Chiropteran. It continued sniffing at the bed and sheets, absorbed in Saya's scent.

"Oh, well," Monique sighed and shrugged, "I don't really mind this, actually. It's better than babysitting those two little hellions. I mean, at least it's not pee-"

Tinkle, tinkle!

"Sorry," the Chiropteran whimpered. "I couldn't hold it in anymore."

"That's it!! You're gonna die, you bleeping bastard!!" Monique finally lost it, seizing a nearby baseball bat and approaching the monster with murder in her eyes. It began backing away in fright when the door banged open, David standing there in all his drunken glory.

"Hey, Chiropteran!" He called tauntingly, swaying a little. "Oooh! Lookit me! Aren't I yummy? Mm-mmm, bitch!" He began rubbing his body suggestively, trying to entice the creature away from Monique. "Supper-time! Come an' get it!"

The Chiropteran nearly puked (and thank God it didn't because then Monique would have really lost it and I don't want to say what she'd have done with that baseball bat of hers) in disgust, losing its appetite for the next few weeks thanks to the skinny man's antics. It stumbled out of the bedroom to the hallway, where Saya suddenly jumped up over the railing onto its back, killing it easily with a small kitchen knife soaked in her blood.

As the Chiropteran finally died, its body crystallizing, Gray ran up, Saya sword in his hand.

"Here, I found it! Your sword was behind the secret compartment, past the moat of molten lava guarded by trolls-"

"Whatever, just gimme!" Saya snatched her sword back and huggled it lovingly. Realizing the Chiropteran attack was her own fault, she quickly left the house, feeling sad and a bit guilty. Haji finally appeared after a short ways from the house.

"And just where the hell were you?" Saya demanded angrily.

"I…I had to tie my shoe," he stated innocently. Saya scowled.

"Your shoes don't have laces," she pointed out.

"…Look, I just don't want to get run through again, okay? I'm getting really sick of it." The two continued bickering as they walked off into the distance.

-Later-

"Kai," David called from the couch. "Come see this."

"Whaaaaat?" Kai groaned, dragging himself over irritably.

"Look at the TV," the skinny man ordered. Kai looked, his eyes widening.

"What? Beyonce's got a new concert?! MOVE, Skeletor!! That girl's got, like, two asses!"

"No!!" David barked. "Not Beyonce, Diva!!" On the small television, an advertisement for a coming concert was being shown. On stage, a small, Riku-looking girl in a sailor uniform smiled sweetly at the audience.

"Aww…it's just that sadistic bitch Diva masquerading as my poor raped dead brother," Kai slumped over, disappointed. "I wish it was Beyonce…"

-Episode 34 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew, this one's a bit long, eh? Sorry, I guess I just had alotta jokes I wanted to use. I sure am going to miss drunk David, he was a lot of fun. Oh, well! Hope you liked it, and see you next time! Review, please!