Having the Talk

Back in Arkadia, Clarke was sitting down by one of the tables along with Raven, which was the usual settlement, part of a routine they had fallen into ever since Clarke had been back in camp. The two girls had grown pretty close these past few weeks and they were each other's confident. Raven knew everything Clarke was going through and the same went for the mechanic, she trusted Clarke and talked to her about her fears and all of that, which was good because the only true friend she had before was Finn and even then he was also partially her boyfriend and it ended badly so the girls were both happy to have each other.

"So how have you been doing with that particular subject you don't like talk about?" Raven asked her and Clarke looked at her best friend.

"What particular subject I don't like talking about are you talking about?" Clarke asked her and Raven leaned in to make sure that only Clarke heard her.

"What happened with Bellamy. Any closer on talking to him about it?" Raven asked her and Clarke sighed. Raven was right. Clarke didn't like talking about it. At all. Ever.

"I don't know. I feel like there is just so much going on that I even forget that it happened so why bring it up? But then, if we never talk about it, we can never fix our friendship and I don't want that so what I do know is that it is a mess." Clarke said to her and Raven nodded.

"Look, you know I am still pissed off at him for what he did to you but putting his romantic feelings for you and his stupidity aside for one moment, you two have an amazing friendship. A bit hypocritical and passive-aggressive as you have already noticed by the fact that you two are always ready to forgive the wrong things the other does even when you shouldn't, but that aside, you two are good friends and a friendship and partnership like the one you two have shouldn't be broken by avoidance." Raven said to her and Clarke nodded.

"Look, you talked it out with Jasper, faced someone who had every reason to hate you and that did just that for a long time but these past couple of days, things have gotten better between the two of you, haven't it? He says good morning, afternoon and night. He doesn't scoff or says any snarky remarks when you are around. If you talk to him, he will answer. It's still awkward but on the right path and you didn't achieve that by ignoring him, you did by facing it head on. It was the same with me and Wick and now, we're best buddies again." Raven said to her.

"You really think I should talk to Bellamy? Face this head on like I did with Jasper?" Clarke asked her friend for advice and Raven sighed.

"Look, I'm not trying to force you to do something you don't want, if you're not ready to face Bellamy, then don't. But if you're just running away from it because you would rather avoid him to death, then you should just face it. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon or else the wedge will grow between you and I don't think you want that." Raven said to her and Clarke nodded. She truly didn't want to lose Bellamy's friendship, but she was afraid there was no fixing it what was broken between them that fateful day.

"Yeah, I know. I will." Clarke said to her and Raven nodded.

"How are you feeling about Lexa?" Raven asked her gently and Clarke clutched her necklace.

"I still want her back, every second of everyday but I'm learning to live with the pain." Clarke said shrugging it off, "She is always there, you know? Every time I do something, feel something, see something, I just want to share it with her. I just want to tell her about my day or to hear about hers. But that will never happen, so I have to deal with it and live with it. Don't I?" Clarke said to her and Raven nodded.

"I know what you're talking about. I felt that way when Finn died. Everything we would accomplish with Bellamy in Mount Weather, I wished I could talk to him about it, but he wasn't there, and I went through with having sex with a friend for all the wrong reasons and felt terrible about it. You escaped falling into that trap just in time, be thankful for small reprieves." Raven told her and Clarke nodded.

"I know and I am really grateful that I didn't go through with it. I just can't help but wish it hadn't come close to happen at all." Clarke said to her and Raven was nodding her head when she looked over Clarke's shoulder and saw Bellamy with Wick.

Ever since she fixed her friendship with Wick, Bellamy had spent a lot of time with him. Raven judged it was because the two guys were around the same age, with Wick actually being one year older than Bellamy so she believed he finally found the right guy friend for him to talk to. Like Clarke and her found each other. "Hey, no pressure but Bellamy is right behind you talking to Wick." Raven said to her and Clarke looked up from her drink to her friend before looking over her shoulder and seeing him.

"You think I should talk to him now?" Clarke looked back at Raven who shook her head.

"I think you should do what you want to do. Want to ignore him? Do it. Want to talk to him? Do it. Choice is yours, always. Only you can decide what you are up for and what you're not, I'll support you either way." Raven said to her reaching out to hold her hand and Clarke smiled at her before she nodded.

"I think it's time I talk to him. Can you get him for me?" Clarke asked her and Raven smiled.

"Sure thing, Griff." The mechanic stood up and walked in the boys' direction. Once she got to where they were, both guys looked at her.

"Hey Reyes. What's up?" Wick asked her and she scoffed at him.

"Shut the hell up for a second Wick. The matter is serious." She said to him and he did just that before she turned to Bellamy.

"Clarke is ready to talk to you." She said to Bellamy who was shocked as he looked at the back of the blonde's head.

"She is?" He asked her and Raven nodded.

"Yes, she is. She told me to come and get you." Raven said and he was about to move when she held him back and looked straight at him.

"Listen to me, Blake. I will be staying right here. Any sign that this talk is hurting her, I will kick your sorry ass to the next planet so watch your words carefully because if you hurt her again, you better start praying for whatever God is out there to show you mercy because I will be coming for you and I will not. You got that?" Raven said to him and he nodded.

"Got it." He said to her and she nodded letting him go.

"You better not screw this up, Bellamy." She said to him and he nodded as he took a deep breath and started walking towards Clarke's table, finally coming to stand in front of her.

"Hey." He said to her and she looked up at him and nodded.

"Hi. Sit down," She said motioning for him to take Raven's previous spot and he did, "I think it's time we talk about what happened." She said to him and he nodded.

"Before you say anything, I just want to apologize and tell you how sorry I am for what I did," He said to her as she listened, "I really didn't mean to hurt you or disrespect you, much less force a situation on you that you didn't want. I would never do that. I was stupid and let things get out of control. I am so sorry for that." He said to her and she nodded.

"I know you are and I know that you wouldn't. Although in that moment you should have known better than to engage in anything, I was not blameless in the situation either. I was in pain and a wreck and I tried to use you to feel better about it and that was also not right or respectful of me in regard to you so I would also like to apologize to you for my part of the blame for that day." She said to him and he nodded.

"You didn't have to apologize for that but thank you anyway." He said to her and she nodded before she took a deep breath and decided to breach the real topic they needed to discuss.

"You have feelings for me," She said to him and he was surprised for a moment before deciding that he at least owed her to be completely honest and nodded his head in affirmative, "Is it love?" She asked him and he shrugged.

"Wick asked me that a few weeks ago when we went out in the forest to hunt and the answer is the same. I don't think it is yet, but it could be. However, I do have strong feelings for you and would like for us to see where this could go, only if you wanted it too. Obviously." He said to her and she nodded.

"I understand what you said and what you are feeling better than you think." She said to him as he paid attention to her before she continued speaking, "You were there through the entirety of my relationship with Finn. When I met him, he was that cute rebellious guy who had a moral compass and wanted to do the right thing, who believed in a better world, same as me and he was really handsome so obviously while working together, we ended up developing feelings for each other and slept together. But when Raven came down and I found out she was his girlfriend, we tried pulling away from each other but the feelings were still there so we would always find ourselves working together and being close again."

"But after the battle that night and my disappearance, his feelings turned into an obsession with finding me and mine became tainted with what I saw him do to that village and even if I didn't want him to die for it, I couldn't look at him the same way as I had once done even if he had survived it. I still had feelings for him and when I drove my knife into his heart, I told him I loved him because it was what he wanted to hear and what I thought I felt for him. But it wasn't. It wasn't love the same way what you feel for me isn't love either." She said to him.

"Love, real love is meeting someone and with one look, seeing past their walls and barriers. Real love is looking at someone and feeling like you know them deep down to their core as they know you. Real love is about meeting someone who takes your world and changes it upside down and having it finally make sense for the first time in your life. Like everything was a mess, like you were a mess until they came and sorted you out. Real love survives distance and time and anything that happens between you. Even if they hurt you, they are as much part of you as your arm, your heart, your brain." She said gripping her necklace before continuing.

"They are there, in every cell on your body, they consume you, from the inside and out and are able to bring you to life. To make you see the world through the eyes and through a whole new way. One moment with them can be worth a thousand moments with anyone else. It's trusting them with your heart even if, especially when it terrifes you because no matter the risk of hurt, you know that they are worth it. That is what real love is to me. That is how I felt, how I feel, how I will always feel about Lexa." She said to him as he looked at her before his eyes dropped to her necklace.

"But she is dead Clarke," He said gently, "I mean no offense, I swear but dead people can't love you back." He said to her and she smiled shaking her head as a tear feel down her eye.

"That is how I know you haven't truly loved anyone Bellay, because if you had, you wouldn't say that. Our love was stronger than death. I know as well as I know that the sun will rise tomorrow that wherever she is, she loves me the same way she did when she was alive or even more. The way we felt about each other was special. We were one of a kind and we knew that." Clarke said to him as she continued,

"We didn't say it with words but with looks and gestures, we said it a thousand times over and over. A love that strong, that happened so fast and so consuming. A love that survived everything it did, the betrayals, the distance, the time apart, the anger, the hurt, a love that was only made stronger by those feelings, a love like that will never die, Bellamy even when we stop breathing. I will never stop loving her as I know she will never stop loving me." Clarke said to him as more tears fell on her face.

"And yes, I know that she is dead and can't physically be with me. I know that you are alive, here and that you could love me if I let you. I know that but I also know she will always be with me," She said remembering Lexa telling her that while Clarke was in the Flame, "She will always be there in everything I do, in everything I am, in the love I have inside of me that hurts right now but only continues to grow. She may be dead out here but in here," Clarke said pointing to her heart, "She will always be alive in here, which is why I can't be with you or anyone else for the matter." She said to him sincerely.

"She would always be there between us, a ghost hunting you. I would always compare anything we did with something I could have done with her. I would always wish she was the one with me. I would always wish she was the one I got to spend the rest of my life with and nothing, not even time, can change that so it's better if you move on from me. It will be easy, you don't love me like that. It might take a while, but you will get over those feelings and you will find your person, as I found mine." She said to him as she reached out and held his hand.

"You deserve more than to be someone's second choice, Bell. Because that is all anyone can be for me. A second choice. A rebound. A consolation prize. A seat holder for the real deal. You deserve someone who you will talk about you the way I talk about Lexa and I am sure you will find it, sooner than you think," She said to him before she continued, "All I will ever be able to offer you is my friendship, nothing more nothing less." She said to him and he nodded at her.

"I think that is more than enough for me Clarke." He said to her and she nodded before they stood up and hugged each other.

"I do love you Bell." She said to him and he sighed nodding against her shoulder.

"I love you too Clarke." He said and they both knew they meant that based on the friendship that they have and nothing more. Clarke pulled back from him before she turned around and waved Wick and Raven over to join them. The two others did just that, Raven sat down with Clarke and Wick with Bellamy.

"You okay, Griff? Do I need you rip his balls off?" Raven said and they all laughed.

"There is no need for that, Ray, we're fine now." Clarke said to her best friend.

"Besides it would be a loss for womankind." Bellamy said joking with them and Raven scoffed.

"Please, we slept together, remember? I will say you were better at it than Finn, but it is still not that good. You need to improve on your mouth skills, if you know what I mean." Raven said and they laughed.

"You too Wick. You are definitely lacking stamina." She said to him and the small group of friends laughed even more as things were starting to get back on the right track. Slowly but it was, and Clarke was more than happy for that even if she would never be truly happy again, she was grateful for happy moments like this and could only hope she could have more of them before things went to shit again because, come on, this was Earth. Did anyone think the danger was over? They couldn't be that naïve. Clarke sure as hell was not anymore and was more than ready for whatever came their way.