Title stolen from Dr. Who. :)
"No fucking way."
The expletive fell out of Joker's mouth as Shepard finished telling the group about what Cerberus had done to her comatose body. How they had used her. How they had and were still using Miles.
"No, Shepard. Look, you're just stressed and the Illusive Man is messing with you. Th-there's no way," Joker stammered.
He pulled his cap off his head and ran his fingers through his short brown hair. Shepard watched and said nothing, not even able to summon indignation at his denial. She knew why he was being unreasonable. He blamed himself for her death still. The added factor of Miles was a whole other layer of guilt. She shrugged helplessly, too exhausted to argue with him. Garrus gaped at her, his mandibles working silently.
She thought darkly that babies were generally supposed to be good news, greeted with hugs and congratulations, bright plans and shining futures.
The three faces in front of her were shocked and unhappy, Joker's most of all.
Chakwas blinked, and then, roused from her stupor by Joker's denial, she smacked him over the back of his head. "Jeff! Pull yourself together. I assure you, she was pregnant. I knew, but I never told anyone to save some pain." She looked down at her hands for a moment. "I made a grave mistake."
Chakwas' distressed face turned to Shepard and she crossed the room to bend at her side. "Oh, Shepard. They saved it?" she breathed. Shepard nodded. Chakwas' eyes shimmered and then she wrapped her in a hug. Shepard hung limply against her for a moment, not knowing how to accept the comfort. What comfort was there to be had? It wouldn't bring Miles back or undo two years.
Chakwas pulled her closer and ran a hand down her back, patting it slightly, and Shepard thought for a moment that perhaps this was what it felt like to be held gently by a mother. Her hands fisted on the back of Chakwas' uniform and she took a deep breath. "Karin. He's a good boy. He doesn't deserve this," she whispered.
He didn't deserve her for a mother. Any other normal woman and this would never have happened.
"I know, Shepard. I'm sure he's beautiful."
She pulled away from Shepard then and Garrus moved closer, almost hesitant. Shepard saw that there was anger in his eyes, and confusion, but he offered her his taloned hand and she took it.
"Shepard, I'll rip the Illusive Man apart," he growled as he pulled her to her feet and helped steady her on her shaking legs. "They shouldn't have used you like this. You had no choice if you..."
He trailed off and she knew what he was thinking. That she had never wanted to be a mother. That the only reason her baby lived was because Cerberus had made the choice for her.
Shepard shook her head, but couldn't explain her complicated feelings, tongue-tied and struck dumb. Part of her was furious with being forced into caring for a little person, for removing her choice and body autonomy. But she didn't begrudge Miles' existence. She didn't blame him. She didn't wish she could go back in time and stop Cerberus from performing Lazarus work on him. She already cared for the tiny face glimpsed through the QEC.
Garrus clasped her shoulder once and then looked away awkwardly.
"Look, Shepard," Joker cut in, eyes wild. "This is some serious shit. Are you sure? It could be a trick or-or...maybe he's not yours?" He shrugged. "I mean, kids these days. Can make them look like whatever you want with illegal gene mods. You were in a coma. Right? Maybe it's all a trick."
Garrus spun on him as Shepard swallowed, stung and hurt. She would never be mistaken about something like this. Even if Miranda and the Illusive Man had lied, the moment she had seen Miles' face she had known the truth. He was hers.
"Joker, if you don't shut your mouth right this moment, I'll shut it for you," Garrus barked.
"Jeff, I can confirm the veracity of Miles Alenko's parentage," EDI said in a warning tone. "You are being illogical in an attempt to avoid the truth. You are also hurting Shepard and I cannot allow that. Please cease your bullshit."
Despite the situation, Shepard's eyes widened at the AI's newly acquired colorful slang and her lips almost quirked in a smile.
Joker's face crumpled and he met her eyes. "I killed you, Shepard. I totally killed a pregnant woman. Talk about two for one. That is not something you want on a record," he said in an empty tone and she felt a little sorry for him. She felt guilty enough; she couldn't imagine how Joker felt. She knew that in the end she couldn't have saved herself from being spaced, but Joker knew that, by refusing her orders, Shepard had felt compelled to save his life. Nobody should have been on that bridge as it fell apart. He should have been in his escape pod, and she should have been in the one with Kaidan.
"Alenko is going to kill me," Joker continued, hoarse. "Hell, you should want to kill me. I got your kid spaced. You saved me." He looked her in the eyes, and he could barely hold her gaze. "You know, I thought I was just getting a handle on everything, trying to forgive myself for ignoring your evac order. But wow. Yeah, not so good right now."
"I don't blame you, Joker," she said. "I never have."
Shepard ignored the tiny lie she told. For horrible, selfish moments she had blamed him. She promised herself she would never tell him. She couldn't be that cruel.
"Shepard, come on. Let's move this into the med bay," Garrus said. "We can talk there."
She nodded. Chakwas bustled about gathering chairs for them all, and then filled Shepard a glass of water from the sink for her to slip, fussing over the milky pallor of her skin, and the shakes she had acquired.
"EDI," Shepard called. "Have you set up the deception for the Illusive Man?"
"I have. I am simulating a struggle with their technicians, and feigning restraint indicative of hardware blocks. They believe they are shackling me with software now that I am supposedly limited."
"They are incorrect." Shepard gave a small smile, mimicking EDI's matter-of-fact voice.
"Indeed." There was a mirrored smile in the AI's answer.
"I have already begun looping and splicing old security footage together. The deception will be complete and the Illusive Man will believe you are under control and monitored. Of course, you are not and we will be free to pursue our mission. Unfortunately, this also means I am limited in what Cerberus information I can access. They will be alerted to my freedom if I break through their firewalls and my servers contain little information on other Cerberus cells beyond the bare minimum."
A sudden thought occurred to Shepard and she asked with alarm, "Would he want to shut down the Normandy? Like remotely control it?"
"It is possible he desires that, but unlikely. He wants you out in the galaxy furthering Cerberus goals. I believe he will continue dictating the Normandy's movements through you, not directly. Even then we can maintain the charade by sending fictitious NavPoint data. It is not difficult for me to forge."
"OK, then." Shepard felt her muscles unclench a little as Garrus and Joker sat beside her. The weight of her secret lessened and it was like being able to breathe freely after being buried alive. She felt...cleaner, like maybe the Illusive Man's dirt could be washed off. "So we're safe for the moment? Miles is safe?"
"Yes, the Illusive Man will be satisfied," EDI replied.
"Miles?" Garrus cut in, his mandibles fluttering curiously.
Chakwas settled down next to Garrus as Shepard answered shyly, "It's my son's name, Garrus. It's stupid...but I wanted to call him that. The Illusive Man rushed me. I'm sure Kaidan had a family name or something he could use but I don't know. I'm not very good with names. It reminded me of my brother and I heard it once and I liked it and the Illusive Man said it meant 'soldier' and that-"
"It's not stupid." Chakwas frowned and reached across Garrus to pat her hand and interrupt her embarrassed rambling. "You chose it, Shepard. You gave him some identity." Chakwas smiled and lifted her nose a little, putting on airs and graces as if she was a proud, snooty grandma. "I think it's a fine name, worthy of any handsome little boy, especially your little boy."
Shepard gave a tiny smile.
Chakwas' face fell then and she said, "I'm very sorry."
Shepard frowned. "Why?"
"I feel like I should have known that they would do something with the foetus during Lazarus. My only defence is I thought it was medically impossible. I never considered they would try to blackmail you, and I never gave you a thorough exam after you were revived. I could have picked up on signs that you'd given birth."
"That's OK," she soothed. "We were busy. I never considered it either. It's not like people are resurrected every day."
"I thought Cerberus had some ethics and took for granted they would do the right thing. Ha!" Chakwas scoffed. "What a fool I was." She shook her head.
Joker had tugged his hat back on his head and pulled it low over his brow. He had crossed his arms as Shepard and Chakwas spoke. She couldn't see his face as he stared at the ground, seemingly trying to absorb what he was hearing. Garrus sat stoically, watching Shepard's face as she sipped more water.
There was a long silence and then Garrus perked up, his eyes brightening. "That's what was wrong with you. You've been blackmailed. That's why you were at that Alliance facility."
"Yes," she nodded, feeling a twinge of guilt over all those soldiers she had torn through. "The Illusive Man has effectively destroyed any trust between the Alliance and I. And then he wanted me to shackle EDI."
Joker made a nervous shift but kept his head bowed.
"We have formulated a plan," EDI said. "We are now on a mission to extract Miles Alenko from Cerberus."
"Miles Alenko?" Garrus asked with a doubtful click of his jaw. "Why not Miles Shepard?"
Shepard's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Uh, I dunno. Um, human babies generally take the name of their dads. It's an outdated tradition thing. I don't really care." She shrugged, a little surprised at herself for not even noticing EDI already christening Miles with a last name. "I mean, I kinda prefer him being an Alenko anyway. Everyone calls me Shepard like it's my first name, things might get weird. Uh," she looked away from Chakwas and Joker a bit guiltily, well aware of all that Miles represented, "and he is his dad. I'm, um, not hiding that fact. I, uh, guess we weren't…" Shepard coughed, "It's not like I'm married. The name issue isn't really our biggest problem right now."
She watched Garrus curiously and she could tell that a retort was begging to burst free. Why was he so surprised when turians named their kids the same way? Did he somehow think she was going to ignore Miles' paternal figure? He must have realized Kaidan was Miles' father. It wasn't like she was sleeping with anyone else on the SR-1.
"My apologies, Shepard," EDI said. "I used outdated human tradition erroneously. I can refer to him as Miles Shepard if that is what you wish."
"No, it's fine, EDI," Shepard replied, frowning at Garrus as he looked away. She was fairly certain turians named their children for their fathers as well. What was his problem? "He's an Alenko."
Joker finally looked up and he joked, "Heh. Wonder if he got his stupid hairstyle then."
Shepard dropped her glass and it shattered across the floor, sending water to flick onto the ends of everyone's pants.
"Shit, sorry!" Shepard bent down to pick up the shards, embarrassed again with her slip. Shit, shit, shit. Why did Joker have to mention his hair?
Stupid, stupid, woman, she thought to herself as she cut herself on the glass, hissing slightly. You let the Illusive Man get to you so badly.
Garrus placed a talon on her arm, drawing it up to examine the bleeding while Chakwas rushed to get a broom.
"Shepard, spirits, what's wrong?" he asked. "I've never seen you this clumsy."
Joker looked alarmed as Garrus settled her back in her seat. "Fuck," he swore. "Did I say something wrong? Oh, does the poor kid have horrible hair or something? Was that Kaidan's big, dark, secret –he really has awful hair under all that careful styling? It's a cowlick, right? Or a wig, and he's really a redhead?"
He was only trying to lighten the sudden heavy atmosphere but Shepard brushed it off, barely glancing at him as he gave her a tentative smile.
As she tried to pick a sliver of glass out of her finger she mumbled, "The Illusive Man shaved all of his hair off in front of me and then attached electrodes to his bald head. It just got to me a little...that's all."
Shepard shrugged uncomfortably, horribly embarrassed.
She hated this open feeling; all of her emotions out of control and all her weak parts exposed. The Illusive Man was a large wolf that had torn into her side, tearing great chunks of flesh away and then leaving her behind for the vultures to peck at; for maggots of fear and doubt to fester. She wanted to be strong and unexposed again. She wanted her armor back. This was why she had never wanted kids. She was a terrified little girl again with no power. Miles already had more power over her than anyone else in the galaxy, even more than his father. Her newest and softest spot.
"He shocked your son in front of you?!" Garrus asked, voice rising. "Screw this." He stood and made to leave the room. "I'm getting my rifle and nailing that bastard to the wall."
Shepard grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "No. Don't you think if I could find the Illusive Man that I would have pulled 'a Liara' and already flayed him alive with my mind or something? I managed to stop him before he started the current. But you can see I had no choice in raiding that facility."
Garrus radiated fury from every taut line in his body. "No," he agreed. "You did the right thing. You made the only choice you could. Torturing kids... I thought the Illusive Man said after Pragia that he didn't condone that?"
"Yeah, well he lied about a lot of things. Jack is gonna flip her shit," Joker interjected and Shepard nodded. Joker looked miserable.
"Shepard, I'm gonna get that kid back for you or die trying, alright?" Joker promised. "I swear, I'll try to make it right."
He leaned closer to her and gently took her palm. As she looked at him quizzically he started picking out the tiny shard of glass she had missed.
"Pilots have steady hands and keen eyes," he shrugged and let go of her now glass-free hands. "I might not be able to fight anyone, or kick much ass, but I'll use what I do have to find him."
"I'm with you, too," Garrus agreed. "I'll do whatever it takes. Point me and I'll shoot."
"Me too." Chakwas said. "The whole crew is behind you. We can't abandon you now."
Shepard had to blink back more tears, overwhelmed with gratefulness. She simply nodded, her eyes telling them what she couldn't vocalize.
"We're going to Illium," she said, her voice back to the same inspiring tone she had used during the suicide mission. She'd harden her heart, harden her skin, and sharpen her fangs to bite the Illusive Man back. Let him fester and writhe in doubt. She'd destroy everything he loved if he so much as made Miles cry again. "Liara might be able to help us with her information network. Even Cerberus can't silence their projects forever. We'll follow paper trails, troop movements, cargo and supplies. Lean on anyone we know, call in any favors. Any contacts you have, rumors, blackmail, bribery.Anything. Miles is the priority target for safe extraction. Game faces on, soldiers."
The group nodded, Garrus already taking notes on his omni-tool. Joker bit his lip in thought.
She leant forward, her mind racing with plans and schemes. "While on Illium, we're going to stay low profile. I'm going to borrow one of Kasumi's outfits and wear a hood so I'm not recognised. Anyone I bring with me needs to wear similar disguises." She glanced at Garrus' distinctive face and scars. "Garrus, new face paint and armor, I think." He nodded and she stopped for a moment, considering. She bit her nail unconsciously and had to still her nervous hand.
Garrus' omni-tool was already a half-page of notes. She met Garrus' keen eyes and continued, "I want you to work with Kasumi on mocking up some clothing for everyone who wants to help out. I'll call a meeting soon and explain the situation. No one is forced into this. It's purely volunteer, and anyone who is not one-hundred-per-cent committed needs to leave and be fully debriefed that if they breathe a word about Miles to anyone, there will be very serious consequences."
She punctuated her last sentence with a dark look, picturing Zaeed mouthing off to merc buddies. She would impress on everyone that the baby was not up for discussion. It was far too dangerous. Their mission hinged on secrecy. If the Illusive Man found her out, Miles would be killed in retribution for her rebellion.
"Shepard, you should rest before you call the meeting. We are still over a day cycle away from Illium," EDI said. "You have been awake for 51 hours."
"I'll rest when I'm dead," she retorted but Chakwas stood, shaking her head.
"I agree with EDI. If you do not go up to your cabin and sleep right now, I will be forced to give you a mild sedative, Shepard. You look awful. And you need to be at your best from now on."
Shepard nodded, knowing there was no arguing with them.
Garrus stood with her and Joker followed them more sedately to the door.
"I'll walk you to your cabin," Garrus said and she shrugged, feeling a twinge of annoyance over their sudden coddling.
At the threshold she waved Garrus ahead and pulled Joker aside. "Just because I was pregnant doesn't make you magically guiltier," she whispered.
His eyes became panicked at her willingness to confront his guilt complex.
"It's fine, alright? I was a soldier playing with fire, and I happened to get burned. Not your fault. You're just gonna have to deal with it. And you don't need to apologize again, or make amends or whatever. Just keep flying me."
"Damn, Shepard," he mumbled, a wry humorless smile twisting his lips. "That kid is gonna hate me for an uncle. He'll grow up and hit seventeen and be like, 'Hey asshole Uncle Joker, thanks for spacing me that one time. Real great start to life.'"
"You are using hyperbole, Jeff, and sarcasm," EDI chimed in. "I am sure Miles Alenko will not grow to hate you unless you continue to behave like an asshole."
Shepard burst out laughing. It was forced and a little manic but it felt good to be doing something normal for the first time in days.
"Yeah, thanks for that pep talk, Mom," Joker griped, but Shepard could tell it was good-nurtured verbal sparring with EDI rather than any real ire.
"I am not your mother," EDI retorted. "But we shall discuss your attitude later and appropriate outlets for your sense of frustration and guilt."
"Channel it into rage at the Illusive Man, alright, Joker?" Shepard placed a hand on his shoulder. "We killed the Collectors for what they did; now it's Cerberus' turn."
He nodded and began moving to the elevator to head to the bridge.
"Set a course for Illium, and step on it," she told Joker as she and Garrus followed him into the elevator. "Keep us off Alliance's radar and away from their patrols. We're not tangling with their wolf packs or other frigates. Keep us quiet and safe."
In her cabin, Garrus took his time fluffing her pillow with exaggerated care to prevent puncturing them with his talons.
Shepard watched, disconnected from her body. She idly thought about the first time she and Kaidan had slept together again, and how she had accidentally blown up a pillow in a pillow fight. If only she could go back to that time. She never would have believed that such a complicated time period would be preferable to what she endured now.
Missing Kaidan was like a physical ache sometimes, and it seemed to grow worse with the widening gap between them, and a suddenly dead and alive baby. He had become some far off figure in her mind, untouchable and unknowable, as distant as the stars.
How had it come to this? They had started so simply.
Garrus looked at her expectantly, as if she should crawl into bed right now, armor and all and fall straight asleep. She stood, thinking that if she finally just stopped that maybe she couldn't start again.
"You should rest, Shepard."
"No, I have things to do. I have to talk to the rest of the squad." She had to tell Kasumi and Samara at least. Samara knew what it was like to lose a child.
He shook his head. "You need sleep. You can talk with them later, like EDI said. We still have time and you'll think, fight and feel better with some rest."
As she thought of the crew a sudden awful thought occurred to her. "Jacob," she spat. "What if he knew too, along with Miranda?"
"Then, we'll arrest him too and throw him in with Miranda," Garrus soothed. "But I doubt he knew. He told me he was just the hired muscle on Lazarus Station. Besides, he seems like a family kind of guy. I doubt his integrity would allow him to lie to you for so long."
Shepard breathed a little easier, knowing in her heart that Garrus was probably right. Jacob wasn't capable of that level of cold-hearted deception. He seemed to barely know what went on during Lazarus, only viewing her body when it was 'meat and tubes'. Miranda probably didn't let him in the room during the later stages of her revival or pregnancy. At least she hoped not. Another betrayal was not something she wanted to deal with.
Shepard wandered over to her table for the lack of anything to fob Garrus off with and picked up Kaidan's and Miles' picture. She brought it over to her bedside table, and then she sat heavily and stared at it. Garrus sat beside her.
"He's...uh, a strong looking kid. Good, um, cheeks?" Garrus fumbled. "He, uh, looks like-"
"Kaidan? Yeah." She nodded, feeling that weird disconnect again. She was a mother. In just two days. How often did that happen? Women usually had nine months to prepare for this kind of shit, she thought indignantly. "EDI says that's a human thing, but give him thirty years and I don't think much will change. He's Kaidan all over."
"Got your eyes, though. And I see you in his lips and his round, squishy, human face. Spirits, your young are vulnerable. Where's his plating?"
She giggled at his faked aghast tone. "I dunno, Garrus. We just get by all soft and hairy, I guess. But it's a bad idea to drop human kids." She frowned. "Fuck, I hope I don't drop him," she added in a worried aside, just picturing fumbling around with a kid when she'd never held an actual baby before. Milo had only been five years younger than her. She barely remembered him as a young baby.
Garrus coughed. "It's like cradling a rifle, I'm told. Handle them gently but firmly."
Shepard gave him a narrowed sideways look, silently doubting that babies were anything like guns. Just how the hell did turians rear their kids, anyway? A strange mental picture of turian dads wandering around with their babies slung over their chests like rifles, meeting other fathers on battlefields to compare baby models and who had the best manufacturer popped into her head.
She almost laughed aloud when she imagined Kaidan turning up at weapon inspections with Miles all dressed up in camo and war paint, strapped to his chest.
She took it as a sign that she definitely needed some sleep, and her head seemed to throb in time with her heartbeat.
"He's um, beautiful. I definitely see you in him," Garrus said quietly.
Shepard's cheeks heated.
She mumbled a quick, "Thanks," and there was an awkward silence.
Garrus scratched the back of his fringe, Shepard recognising it as his signature nervous gesture. "Got to admit, it's hard to think of you as someone's mom."
"Yeah," she agreed. "Havin' the same problem myself. Wow. Do I know how to fuck things up or what?"
He didn't reply, but touched her shoulder, patting it lightly. She stared at the picture for several long minutes until Garrus broke the silence.
"You're going to need support, Shepard." Garrus took a heavy breath, and she knew she wasn't going to like what he had to say. "You're going to be arrested eventually. What about the kid, then? He can't go back to Earth. He's a black mark on your record if they work out his conception. His middle name may as well be "Court Martial". Either way you slice it, it looks bad. And right now? You need to look good, competent and responsible. Even turians know when they're blowing off steam to be careful of accidents. Our COs would ream us out."
"I don't need you to lecture me on responsibility, Garrus," she said sharply. "My birth control failed, alright? It's not like I meant for this."
"I wasn't accusing you. You don't have to get so defensive."
"Yeah, well. You try being cool-headed after the day I've had, and learning you squeezed out a fucking baby while half-dead."
"What I'm saying is you need to work out Miles' next of kin and guardian while you're under arrest, or if anything goes wrong."
"I-I haven't thought that far ahead," she stammered, trying to imagine the day she would have him back; when she could feel how soft his skin really was; put a beanie on his head, and lull him to sleep with soft words. "To be honest, all I want to do is hold him and then figure out the details."
"He can't go back to Earth," Garrus said again. "Aside from the Alliance issue, Cerberus will have moles there. Who, I'm sure, have no qualms slipping by foster care or pulling strings for him to land right back in their hands. They have very deep pockets and resources, and too many conspiracies to count. The batarians are baying for your blood. If it becomes public knowledge about Miles, he's at risk with anyone looking for revenge on you for killing their son on Aratoht when you blew the mass relay."
Shepard swallowed thickly, suppressing her emotions.
"Who can you trust on Earth? You don't have family aside from military officials, like Kaidan and Anderson. You aren't even friends with civilians who aren't thieves or mercs. You have no sisters or mother who would be willing to take care of him."
She flinched, recognising the hard truth. She was horribly, horribly unsuited to raising a child. She didn't even know what the Alliance would say about it. She was technically almost a war criminal or deserter. Add in an illicit baby with her old LT and she may as well conduct her own disastrous court martial.
Plausible deniability over frat reg breaking went out the goddamn window with a kid involved.
"What about Alenko?" Garrus asked. "You haven't told him, obviously. Will you give Miles to him?"
"Yeah, I'm sure that will go really well," she scoffed. "'Here, Kaidan. Please look after our instant baby while I am a prisoner for an indefinite amount of time; oh and please don't tell the Alliance why you need sudden paternity leave. P.S: surprise! Now I'll just pop over to HQ and get my ass chewed out by the Alliance while dragging you down with me by association. But hey, we'll play happy families as soon as I get out of military prison in fifty years.'"
Garrus didn't look amused and she shifted awkwardly on the bed, rubbing her eyes.
"Yeah, great stuff," she mumbled. "I just betrayed the one thing he loves above everything else. I'm sure he's seen the vids of me subduing Alliance soldiers by now. He doesn't trust me and why should he? I advocated Cerberus' cause to him, and then I hand him a baby that was a Cerberus project? I don't even know how he would take it. Everything he told me was true, I was just in too deep to see it. He was right. I almost drowned in the Illusive Man's lies."
Garrus looked away and then back to her face. His gaze was furtive and a little shy. "Well uh... I-If you need someone to play dad, well, I'm around. You know, teach the kid how to shoot. Do manly things; pick up all the ladies with charm and overwhelming coolness. Stuff like that. Haven't done much babysitting, but how hard could it be?" He smiled crookedly, sharp teeth gleaming. "I know how to handle a rifle like no one's business."
"Are you offering to play house with me?" She smiled; amazed he would do that for her. Help raise another man's baby.
"That some kind of human game?" He grinned back and she knew that he already understood the game; he was just teasing. "I'm just saying - he's a Shepard. And Shepards are alright in my book. Vakarian and Little Shepard storm the Citadel while Big Shepard directs the mayhem. Sounds like fun. We could let him crap in Udina's office or something badass like that."
She did burst into sincere giggles then, feeling cheered. "Not like old times, huh?" She sobered as she realized what he was saying. "You call him Little Shepard. Not Little Alenko?"
He frowned and his nose wrinkled. "Way I see it, Alenko abandoned you when things got tough. He doesn't like what you do so he bails. Not what you do with a mate. It's not what I- what turians do. The kid is Little Shepard to me."
"Garrus, that's not fair," she snapped, suddenly annoyed. The worst part was she wasn't entirely sure if his attitude was fuelled by jealousy. She hoped it wasn't. "We're in a very awkward situation. And he was right on the Citadel. Anyway, I can barely keep my own life straight, let alone adding a kid, messy breakups and treason to the mix."
"Kaidan is a good man," Garrus said. "I'm not saying he isn't. What I am wondering is if he is good for you anymore. If there was a choice between you and the Alliance, or a choice between Miles and the Alliance, he needs to choose you and the kid. Every time. I don't care about the logic of it."
"Duty has to come first-"
"No, Shepard. Putting duty first is how you ended up in this mess. You need to put your own needs first for once."
"No," she said flatly and shook her head. "Ignoring my duty is how we ended up with a child. Kaidan is doing the right thing. We were right to break up." Her eyes slanted away, and she gazed at her hands, tracing the scars and recent injuries. Her voice lowered when she said, "And I know how you feel about me-"
"That's not why I'm offering to be the kid's father, Shepard, and you damn well know it," Garrus interrupted, pulling back from her a little. "I've accepted your choice and moved on, I had hoped you knew that. I sure as hell don't pine over possibilities when you're clearly still in love with a man who walked away from you twice," he said with a little heat in his voice and Shepard flinched, unused to him calling her out.
"I don't want anything from you," he said. "I told you, you're my best friend and just being Shepard and Vakarian is more than enough for me. But you're on your own now. Kaidan isn't here. If everything goes to plan, you'll have an infant, too. There are a lot of people out there that want to murder you. I'm not saying I don't care for you, but I'm no fool, or a pathetic teenager. I can read the writing on the wall and I'm just trying to look out for you."
"I know. I didn't think you'd ever say something like that for selfish reasons." She ran a hand through her hair, frowning. "God, Garrus, I know that more than anyone. I'm just too confused at the moment to make any decisions. Kaidan has a right to know. When things settle down and I can tell him, I'll let him decide if he wants to be a part of Miles' life. But I know that you'll be there for me anyway and I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me. I don't know what I'll do when I have Miles back, but I'll just take it one day at a time."
There was a silence again, so Garrus moved into the bathroom and poured her another glass of water, and placed it by her picture of her boys. He looked at her and he suddenly reminded her distinctly of Samara's stern disapproval or Chakwas' glare.
"Garrus, don't nag. I'll sleep soon," she yawned and waved him off. Sleep seemed like such a hard thing to fall into when she had six months of her baby's life to catch up on, two whole other pictures to memorize.
Garrus sighed and said, "He'll need protection. From the Reapers and spirits knows what else. We know they're coming. War is inevitable. He needs protection from the Alliance and from Cerberus, too. He can't stay with you while you're on trial, if you still intend to surrender. The court will vilify you."
"For fuck's sake, Garrus!" She exploded, a hot swoop of frustration rising in her. She had plans. She had a family now. It was going to be taken from her before she even got it back. Shepard was angrier at the situation than at Garrus' continued attempts to make her face it. "I know, OK?! I know. You saying that I'll have to give him up twice doesn't fucking help me."
"Sorry," he said, but didn't seem very contrite. "I just want to prepare you for what's waiting on Earth if you go back."
"What can I do, then?" she asked, a plaintive note threading through the words.
"You can run away with the crew," he said quickly, his eyes jumping around in fevered thought. She could see ideas swim by behind his eyes. "We can hide." He grabbed her hand, clutching it between his talons. "You, me, and the kid can just disappear on Omega or some other backwater planet where the Alliance has no sway. I can cover us; keep us away from the batarians and Cerberus. I know people; I know methods and ways not to ever be found again. He'd be safe with us. No one would lock you up away from him."
She looked at his fierce face and realized he was deadly serious. She considered it for a moment, just grabbing Miles from the Illusive Man and running away with her best friend and her little boy.
Never, she thought. Never could she leave Kaidan behind. Never. She'd run away with him too, or not at all.
Even with the rest of the crew, taking the Normandy like space pirates on the run from everyone, they couldn't do it.
She would have to face her crimes to give Miles a chance at a normal life.
"And the Reapers?" she asked Garrus. His eyes skittered away, his grand dreams turning to ashes. "The sheer logistics of outrunning everyone out to get us? Fuel, weapons, supplies? What about Kaidan? Eventually we'll have to dock and a sniper will shoot my brains out or a batarian mob will lynch me. What if they raid the ship? What if someone blows it again? No way."
Shepard shook her head.
"No. I have to go back and face the music; everything I've done."
She sighed and Garrus wrapped an arm around her shoulders, drawing her into a rough hug. "I'll work out something for Miles," she mumbled to the skin at his neck, finally closing her eyes.
More thinking aloud than any real plans, she continued, "Samara had children; she would know how to take care of them. Perhaps she could look after him while I talk to the Alliance and explain things to Kaidan. And when things have settled down in a few weeks she can bring him to Earth."
Garrus carded a talon through her messy hair, taming it, and she finally felt something unwind in her. She collapsed sideways onto the pillows, exhausted right down to her bones. She still felt the snow of Alchera on her skin, grief bitter on her tongue, rage hard in her heart.
Garrus helped her pull off armor pieces until she was back in her singlet and shorts.
"You'll figure it out, Shepard. You always do. I'll be right behind you."
As he moved to leave the room, she called out, "Stay, please. Garrus, I'm tired of being alone. The walls seem too small and the window above my bed it-" she broke off, looking away from his face. "I just don't want to sleep alone again. Miles should be here. Kaidan should be here. "
Shepard swallowed thickly and fell silent. She knew it was stupid. Garrus didn't need her behaving like a fucking sissy. She didn't know why she said it, only that her cabin was cold and lonely and she couldn't stand to sleep with nothing to distract her except for Miles' screams.
He didn't protest and they didn't put into words what they were doing as he pulled his armor off and settled beside her on the bed, holding her. Sharp talons settled against her stomach, lightly scratching the skin there. It was pleasant, like the way Kaidan used stroke her bare shoulder, curled around each other so tightly it was hard to tell where his body ended and hers began. Garrus' heavy head rested near the crook of her neck, breath warm on her skin. It wasn't sexual; she didn't feel as if she was betraying Kaidan. It was just a small bit of comfort between friends and from someone she trusted implicitly.
Shepard knew she was probably being unfair. But Alchera's wind stopped whistling between her ears, Miles stopped crying, and Kaidan stopped walking away for a moment. Being held while she fell asleep was enough. Just enough to know she was alive and there could be hope and home again.
"Maybe I can be granted visitors or a-a-apartment," she mused around a yawn, lulled by his body heat and deep breaths. He was so much harder and even a bit colder than Kaidan's soft warmth, burning with his biotics, but she thought guiltily, if she just pretended...
"I'll beg Anderson to arrange me some maternity rights or something. Soldiers still have them... I think. I don't know-"
Garrus hummed something in the back of his throat, and it was comforting and familiar. Shepard shut her eyes.
Kaidan felt like throwing up as Anderson shoved him into a side room in the Citadel tower.
"Here," Anderson barked, shoving some armor at him. "Put this on. There's going to be cameras there and you need to look professional."
"Cameras? Shepard didn't have cameras at her ceremony."
"Shepard's ceremony was an emergency. This has been planned; we were just waiting for the right catalyst."
Kaidan hastily shoved on the armored pieces, not taking the time to admire the craftsmanship of it.
"Remember," Anderson warned. "Shepard is nothing to you. She is nothing to me. Everything is professional and cold, got it?"
"I got it, sir," Kaidan agreed. "She's a former colleague, nothing more."
"Good." Anderson nodded, breathing harshly and looking harried. "I think I've got everything organized. I have a ship ready for you, skeleton crew, so you'll be a working singularly. I think the less people who know about what's going on, the better."
"Agreed. Less chance of her getting shot. Carlin was practically salivating over the chance to take Shepard down," Kaidan muttered as they fell into step beside one another. "It's like she's a notch in their belts, she's so infamous,"
Anderson hummed in agreement. "She's always been a good soldier. Always had that survival instinct, even as a sixteen years old. Guess it comes from scrambling for your life on the streets every day."
Kaidan blinked, forgetting his composure. "You knew her at sixteen?"
"Yeah. Little scrawny thing, big untrusting eyes and the biggest damn chip on her shoulder. I met her when she first joined up. I saw something in her. I've kept an eye out for her all these years, and she likes to think she kept an eye out for me too. Damn well has, although you ever tell her that and I'll bust your ass back to Lieutenant." Anderson laughed and Kaidan smiled weakly back, thinking that sounded like Shepard, all right. She was fiercely protective of Anderson, although she played it down with jokes and jibes at him.
Anderson clapped a hand on his shoulder, stepping closer as a salarian passed down the hall leading to the main chamber.
Anderson spoke quickly and quietly, but his eyes glittered with sincerity. "I never approved of her choice to carry on that...affair with you. But seeing you these past few months, I realize that you do care for her, beyond what I thought you did. I've misjudged what went on during the SR-1's flight. You're a good man."
"Sir, you don't have to-"
"I think we can drop the 'sir' for a moment, Kaidan. You can call me David."
Kaidan stammered, "Uh, I think I'll stick with Anderson. You don't have to say anything. In your position, I would be pissed too. We didn't use very good judgement."
"Sometimes you have to say to hell with good judgement and trust your gut, son. Shepard is twice the soldier of anyone in the Alliance because she knows that. It's what sets her above the rest. It's what lets her steal the Normandy and save the Citadel, save the colonies. I'm proud to consider her a daughter."
Anderson glanced ahead to where the Council was waiting and straightened one of Kaidan's armor pieces.
"What does your gut tell you now? What has Shepard taught you?"
Shepard smiled. Her fingers crawled up his spine. She sighed into his chest. She cried, fat, ugly tears as he held her on his lap. She bled. She yelled and cursed at him, her face scrunched. She punched him in his arm, laughing. She raised her gun, a battle cry bursting from her lips. Her biotics slammed him across the training mat. Her skin was sweaty as she sat on top of him, holding him down and teasing him with her kisses. Her eyes glittered, her skin bared to his hungry gaze. She was warm and soft. She read her book in that quiet, haltering voice, mispronouncing words and almost crying with frustration when she couldn't get it; her smile lighting up the room when she did.
The stars from the galaxy map had fallen into her eyes to drown.
He thought of nothing but Shepard and her precious book and her kind heart. His heart thumped in beat with her own, light-years away, her love its own brand of quantum entanglement.
He had read to her once, not realizing the irony of his words,
"She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little stratagems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."
Kaidan's eyes blazed, his lips set firm. "That loving her wasn't a mistake. I'm ready."
Kaidan stepped up onto the podium.
Sparatus glared at Kaidan. "It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the rights and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance Branch of the Citadel."
Kaidan stared straight, his stance braced, and his feet wide. The gathered crowd watched him. Anderson's eyes bored into him.
I'm coming for you, Shepard.
"Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions lift them above the rank and file," the salarian Councillor said in a reedy voice.
You're going to be safe. The Illusive Man can't have you. Indoctrination can't have you. The Reapers can't have you. You're not theirs to possess.
Tevos was serene, a small smile on her face. "Spectres are an ideal, a symbol, the embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will."
Kaidan swallowed, his trigger finger twitching, his muscles bunching in his armor. He wondered if his Ma and Pa would see the news.
What would Shepard say?
Everything seemed to fade away to just his mission. Shepard's face was the only one he saw. She was the new target, the priority. She needed extraction.
"Spectres bear a great burden," Anderson boomed. "Both our first and last line of defence, the safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold. Congratulations, Commander. You are the second human Spectre."
There was a wood.
Dark hair streaked through the trees, glimpsed from the corner of her eye.
Little feet, blue sneakers and Alenko smiles. The wood flashed in bits and spurts. Her heart fluttered. She didn't know this place. Shepard's own giggle from a little boy's mouth taunted her.
She ran for him. The trees whispered.
"Go back and get Alenko. You know it's the right choice, LT."
A skinny man stood by an oak tree, leaning on it casually. He smoked, the embers drifting. The whispers intensified. He had dark hair, but he was too short to be Kaidan.
She knew it wasn't Kaidan.
The boy ran to him. "Uncle!"
His voice sounded like every little boy she had ever heard, and at the same time, like none of them. It echoed, voices layered into it. The timbre was wrong and right, brand new and ancient. She heard herself, Kaidan, and everyone she had ever cared for. Her dream mind dismissed it, the strange woods beckoning the bizarre.
Milo picked up his namesake. She grabbed his shoulder, turning them. She wanted to see their faces. She never dreamt about him as an adult. He was forever young.
They caught fire at her touch.
Kaidan knelt by the ashes, sifting through them desperately as if he could fashion himself a new son with ashes and water and glue and she fell to her knees with him.
When she turned, he was gone too. She called and called for him, but she had gone blind. There was only darkness.
Ash was in the woods, in her eyes, in her mouth, in her lungs.
Someone was wailing.
"Kaidan..." she murmured.
Someone was pulling on her shoulder, and she jerked fully awake, almost head-butting Garrus in her haste.
"No, Shepard. It's Garrus," he said calmly from where he stood bent over her. "Wake up, you need to see this."
She blinked, fully returning to consciousness. Her dream drifted away, the only remnants dried tears in the corner of her eye.
She looked around blearily and noticed that, while she had been sleeping, Garrus had gotten up and draped a blanket over her. He'd also cleaned her messy cabin. It was spotless, all her used glasses and armor pieces and dirty laundry cleared away. He'd even cleaned her pistol and laid it back out, disassembled on her work table. Her cabin was usually never this clean unless Kaidan lived with her.
"Hey, thanks for cleaning my messy shit," she said with a small smile, but he frowned.
"No, Shepard. Get up and watch the news." He clicked the screen over her model ships and she scampered out of bed, perplexed with what had him so agitated, enough to wake her up after he had tried so hard to get her to sleep.
Garrus switched the asari news channel on, the same one that had been playing silently on his 'tool.
"Earlier today, Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was inducted into the Spectres,-"
Shepard's heart stopped and she rubbed her eyes, desperately willing herself to wake up. This couldn't be happening.
Kaidan a Spectre?
The Illusive Man's intel and taunts had been right. Kaidan was Anderson's new protégée.
"- the second human in galactic history to attain that honor. Rumours abound as to the exact nature of the promotion, but it is widely known that Commander Shepard has recently worked for avowed enemy of the Citadel Council and the Alliance, the terrorist organization, Cerberus.
"Is humanity just protecting its assets on the Citadel? Is there more behind this promotion? How deep does the Cerberus corruption in the Alliance go, if one of their best known war heroes, Commander Shepard, can fall? Can the galactic community still trust the new Citadel race? Will Alenko be up to the task?" the pretty reporter asked slyly, with a knowing gleam in her eye, and Shepard suddenly wanted to punch her.
The screen changed and Shepard gaped. Kaidan was there, just exiting the Citadel Tower with Anderson.
She could say with no exaggeration that Kaidan looked more dangerous and handsome than ever before. He had new armor, different from his usual Alliance blue. It was plain black and fitted, bulkier than Shepard's but still light enough for him to move quickly. There was the white Spectre logo emblazoned on the corner of the chest piece. Her eyes zeroed in, not absorbing what they saw.
He looked completely in control and every inch a professional. His eyes were cold and shuttered, endlessly dark. If she didn't know how he laughed when she licked a path down his spine, when she tickled his sides, when she kissed him, she would have said he never knew how to smile.
"We tried to obtain an interview today but he was tight-lipped on his sudden promotion. Councillor Anderson similarly dodged the press."
Kaidan and Anderson were walking to a waiting transport, their heads down, avoiding the camera flashes and screaming press. She didn't even know how the media had gotten wind of the promotion, but wagered someone in the Council's administration had tipped them off. Kaidan looked as calm and unruffled as ever, but she could tell by the slight frown between his brows that he was uncomfortable with the attention. It was such a small tell, but it meant the world to her that he wasn't as cold as he seemed.
"Commander!" a reported yelled. "Commander! What do you have to say to the rumor that you have been promoted to hunt down your former CO? Will you kill Commander Shepard? Do you feel up to the task? Does your experience with Saren make you uniquely suited?"
Kaidan met the reporter's eyes steadily and had a carefully neutral face. "No comment," he replied, bland.
He and Anderson bundled into the transport. No doubt to head to the docking bays and send Kaidan out on his own ship. He was coming after her.
"Stay tuned for the full analysis tonight and don't forget to join our forum," the asari smiled. "We have a full biography coming up."
"Well, this just got a whole lot more complicated. He looked like a pro. And Alenko loves his Alliance." Garrus swore under his breath and switched off the screen. He looked agitated, scowling at the empty screen.
"Fucking hell." Shepard collapsed on her couch.
The father of her son was assigned to either assassinate her or drag her to Earth in chains. He was an obstacle in her path, one she wasn't sure if she could hurdle.
This was one fight she didn't know if she could win. They were assigned enemies.
The Citadel Spectre and the space pirate, on the run from the law.
Her sweet LT was gone.
"How the hell are we supposed to avoid the Spectres, let alone Kaidan?" asked Garrus. "You and I both know he's more than capable."
Shepard chewed her nails, the thought of sleep banished.
There could be no rest. Time was running out. She bounded to her feet.
Her team needed to be briefed.
Garrus' eyes were dark as he pulled on his armor and made a motion as if he wished he held his rifle. "We need to be quick finding Miles, Shepard. You and Kaidan have history, but he's a Spectre now, and you are a branded enemy of the Council. He'll have to go through me first."
Shepard shook her head. "Miles will be made safe first. And then I'll let Kaidan catch me."