Shattered

by Mirai Shiranui

Life is about harsh realities and lessons we must learn. No one understands this better than Commander Shepard. But dying places everything in perspective and this time there will be no missed opportunities and no regrets. M!Shep/Joker. Slowmance.

35. Alive

The risk. Yeah. Shepard knew the risk. But he also knew he hated husks and he wanted off this damn ship.

"Hang on, Commander," Joker cut-in over his comms.

There wasn't really time for hang on, but yeah, okay. He saw the Normandy pulling towards them, but he could also hear the husks behind them.

"Shepard!" Miranda yelled and shot at a husk somewhere past his shoulder. Somewhere he didn't look back to see.

"Open the Port side, Joker!"

"Aye, aye!"

"Throw it," Shepard said to Grunt.

There was only momentary confusion as Grunt looked towards the ship from the landing they were stuck on. He hefted the Geth off his shoulder and flung it towards the Normandy's airlock. Luckily, he was a good shot.

"Go!" Shepard raised his pistol, firing off another burst at the advancing horde. He was going to have nightmares about this, he could see it now. "Miranda, go!"

Grunt leapt over the gap and slammed into the sealed inner doors. Miranda didn't wait for another opportunity. She ran and leapt from the edge as Shepard downed the husk that approached her path. Shit, it was now or never. He turned, ignoring the husks that dragged themselves from the railings, lumbered towards him from all sides now, their eyes and skin glowing – he had to go now otherwise he wasn't making it off this damn Reaper. He jumped and felt his stomach lurch as the sense of falling socked him; falling until he was caught by zero-gee and his momentum propelled him towards the Normandy. Miranda shot her hand out and grabbed his arm, pulling him in the last foot and he slammed into her and sent them both crashing against the doors.

"Let's go," Grunt said, touching his big hand to his comms to speak to Joker.

"Is Shepard-"

"He's here."

The outer airlock door slid shut and Shepard felt the pull of gravity kick back in as the decon cycle began. He wanted to take his helmet off, but he waited. Who knew what they had picked up? He poked at the Geth with his boot. It could be carrying anything.

"What do you think it was doing here?" Miranda asked.

"Who knows. Grunt, take it down to the AI Core and we'll seal it up there for now. Miranda, make sure EDI knows what we're dealing with just in case it tries anything."

"Of course, Commander." She didn't again say what a bad idea bringing a geth aboard was. She had said her piece.

When the inner doors slid open Shepard pulled his helmet off, letting out the breath he was sure he had been holding. He stepped out and let Miranda and Grunt walk away, the Geth slung under Grunt's arm, hanging limp. He stepped up behind Joker but said nothing – his pilot was working. Though Joker didn't quite see things the same way. His hands worked across his consoles and he didn't turn, but it didn't stop him from clearing his throat.

"Uh, Commander… Geth?"

"Saw that, huh?"

"I see everything you bring onto my ship."

"Oh, your ship?"

"Alright, alright, our ship. No, but seriously, geth?"

"I want to know why it was there. Why it…" Saved him? Didn't shoot him in the face? Why it was wearing a piece of N7 armour and knew his name? "It's a geth on a derelict Reaper. If there is any new alliance going on there, we need to know."

"Uh-huh." Joker settled back in his seat as the Normandy broke FTL. "I… Tris, I…" His hand clenched.

"I'm sorry I worried you."

Joker spun his chair around and looked up at him. "Yeah… Yeah, I know. It doesn't make it easier, though."

"No, it doesn't. But I keep my promises, Jeff. I'm coming back, remember?"

A small smile spread Joker's lips. "I know."

For now, Shepard left it at that. He had to. He had a geth in the AI core and a Reaper IFF to install or…something. Whatever one did with a Reaper IFF. He would give it to Mordin. "Come to the debrief," Shepard said.

"…why?"

"Because you're our pilot and you know more about this ship than anyone I know. Even Tali. I want your input."

Joker looked at him, one eyebrow raised in perfect quizzical question. "Uhh, Commander, I doubt anyone else is going to feel the same way."

Shepard folded his arms. "Oh really?"

"Uh, yeah really. Not to burst the little bubble you have going here, but people aren't really used to me leaving the bridge yet let alone busting in on a debrief session with the real squad."

"You've got an hour, soldier," Shepard said. Joker went to say something else but Tris leant forward, one hand just above his shoulder on the leather of the chair, and kissed him. Shepard could feel his hair brush against the brim of Joker's cap and the scratch of Joker's beard against his skin and he smiled when he pulled back. "One hour, okay?"

"…yeah. Yeah, okay."

Shepard didn't look back to see what expression Joker was pulling, though he really hoped it was that adorable blank look he got whenever he was coming down from the high of a really good kiss. The slight flush of his cheeks, parted lips… Shepard scrubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. A thought to be resumed later. Right now he was taking a shower and getting to that debrief he knew Miranda was probably chafing for. They had their IFF and now had a geth and he didn't know what to do with either of them. Hopefully EDI could work out the IFF, and the geth…well, the geth was almost entirely his problem. He had brought it aboard and he wasn't about to throw it back out through an airlock. He wasn't that guy. He had made a decision and he would deal with the fallout.

Though, these days he didn't have to worry too much about fallback from Cerberus. He knew Miranda still answered to the Illusive Man and he wasn't entirely sure how deep that connection ran but when she questioned him, it wasn't because the Illusive Man was talking in her ear. Whatever Miranda said was generally because she believed it, even if it did sound like Cerberus doctrine. So he wasn't necessary surprised when she told him about the bounty Cerberus had running for a functional geth unit.

"It could be invaluable," Miranda said. She crossed her arms across her chest.

"Yeah, it could be," Tris said. He leant against the desk, staring at the holographic image of the geth they had stored down in the AI Core.

"I have to disagree, Ma'am. I saw enough of these things on Eden Prime. Space it."

"Gotta say I agree with Jacob," Joker said. He'd hung back, loitering near the door, obviously feeling uncomfortable, but Shepard knew he wouldn't be able to stay out of the conversation. Though Miranda staring at him like that certainly wasn't going to make him any more at ease with his first little 'foray' into a debrief and mission planning session with the Officers.

"I want to start it up. It was on that ship for a reason."

"Good thing Tali isn't here to hear that," Garrus said. "Jacob is right. It's a geth. Get rid of it before we have to waste a sink."

Shepard ran his thumb over his lower lip. It would be contained. EDI would make sure nothing happened. He frowned. He needed to know. This geth had been aboard that Reaper for a reason. It had saved him from an ambush. He wanted to know why that slug hadn't ended up in his brain instead. "It's my decision. We're going to start it up…and if it tries anything then we can look at the 'shoot it' option."

Garrus shook his head but he didn't argue further – he knew when to lay off and when the Commander had spoken, that was generally the time.

"So, the IFF?" Shepard asked and pushed away from the bench.

"I have determined how to integrate it with our systems. However, the device is Reaper technology. It is important we test it thoroughly before attempting the Omega 4 Relay. It will take some time to properly integrate," EDI said. The holographic image changed from the geth to her orb.

"EDI assures me that there isn't anything to worry about, but it's probably safer if the A Team isn't around in case anything gets, y'know, indoctrinated or whatever," Joker said. He pulled at his cap and wouldn't meet anyone's eye. "There's just not really any way we can tell what'll happen before it happens."

"I'm not leaving my crew alone for something like that to happen," Shepard said.

Joker looked up and there was silence in the room as the two men stared at each other. Shepard bit at the inside of his cheek to hold back the sudden tirade that forced its way to the tip of his tongue. Stepping out while a new cannon was attached to the ship was one thing, but disappearing with any competent members of his squad while hooking his ship up to Reaper technology? Not that they were incompetent, not that he thought Joker was… He looked away and rubbed his forehead.

"I'll let you know when the IFF is ready for shakedown," Miranda said, breaking through the silence. But she and Jacob took that as their cue to leave, heading out the doors past where Joker stood.

"I will have the crew begin work immediately," EDI said and then her avatar disappeared. She might be an AI, but she certainly wasn't stupid.

"I've got… Uh. Calibrations. See you later, Shepard," Garrus said and slunk past Joker out the door.

Shepard leant against the desk again, staring at the image of the Normandy, but said nothing. What could he say? He knew Joker was right. If something went wrong and they were all aboard the ship their entire force would be wiped out in one fell swoop. But if the strike teams were off the ship they would have every opportunity to continue on, even without the Normandy, if it came to that. He could understand that. He knew it was the right thing.

"I could leave Tali—"

"No."

"Or Garrus. Mordin? Mordin is a scientist, he might be needed—"

"Tris, no. You need him. You need Garrus and Tali. They're not staying. None of you are staying."

"Then you're not—"

"Dammit, Shepard!" Joker yelled.

That got his attention. He looked up and across the conference table to where Joker was standing.

"Shepard…" Joker shook his head. "Tris. You told me to come to this stupid debrief because you said I know more about this ship than anyone else. Even Tali, remember? You can't take me off the Normandy now just because it's dangerous. I'm a soldier. Even if that sometimes sucks."

Shepard clenched his hands on the edge of the desk. "Yeah. Yeah, it sucks." This is what he hated. This was what he never wanted. He didn't want to make this decision, ever. How could he bring himself to step off the ship knowing that he was placing Jeff in the direct line of danger? Just like the Citadel all over again. Except now he was so invested. "If something goes wrong...?"

"Not all of the guys on board are completely hopeless. I hear that some of them can even shoot straight. It'll be fine. It'll probably be so boring I'll be begging for something cool to happen."

"Sure, cool."

Joker walked around the table and stopped next to Shepard, placing his hand on his shoulder. Shepard closed his eyes as Joker ran his hand over his chest and forced him to turn to face him.

"Tris, every time you leave the ship for a mission this is how I feel. 'Cause there's nothing I can do to help and I have to watch you leave thinking that I might never see you again. That sucks. Now you know how it feels." Joker reached up, his fingers touching the back of Shepard's neck and the soft hair there at his nape and then dragged him down to meet him.

Shepard groaned and he wished it was due to something other than stifled emotions. He wrapped his arms around Joker and forced him against the desk, holding him there between the hard edge and his hips and if he couldn't speak then he was sure his feelings were evident from the force and utter desperation of his kiss. Because that he couldn't hide or help.

---

"Ten-Hut!" The soldier standing guard snapped a sharp salute and Shepard shook his head.

"At ease." Had he even seen this guy before? Huh, he should really pay a little more attention to the crew. Of course, he'd been saying that for months now and had never gotten around to it and he really wasn't a 'name to a face' sort of guy.

"You still sure about this, Shepard?" Garrus asked, and his hands tightened on his weapon. "There's still time for that date with the airlock."

"Can't get past stupid curiosity, Garrus." He stepped forward, standing just at the edge of the energy field surrounding the geth. He bit at his lower lip as he considered it lying there. It looked pretty banged up, scratched and dented and the huge hole only partially covered by the piece of N7 armour. Maybe it wouldn't even turn back on.

"I have isolated our systems and erected further firewalls," EDI said. "I am prepared to resist any hacking attempt."

"Good to know. Garrus?"

"If you're sure." Garrus nodded to the guard before holstering his own weapon so that he could access his Omni-tool. "You didn't speak to Tali first."

"No. If we do end up throwing this thing out the airlock, it will kind of be a moot point. Didn't really think it was worth opening that can of worms unless we need to."

"She already knows it's aboard. Why wait?"

He had to admit this whole geth thing hadn't exactly come at a good time. They had only recently gone to the Flotilla and retaken the Alarei, and Tali had only had a short amount of time to come to grips with her father's death, and now he was about to have a conversation with a geth. Well…maybe.

"Better sooner than later, Shepard."

"I was hoping you might test the waters…"

"Oh no. This is your mess." Garrus looked up from his Omni-tool. "Wait."

The geth twitched as another shock ran through its body. The three-fingered hand jolted and then moved as the single optical light flared.

"What would you do without me?" Garrus asked. His smug grin didn't stop him from also drawing his weapon, though.

The geth flared the plates around its central light, as though it was adjusting to the dim of the room. And then there was that sound.

Shepard took a step back, and then a couple more as the geth stood, the chatter of its processors filling the room, echoing off the walls. Shepard winced. He wasn't sure why. The geth looked at him, its head slightly cocked, appraising him.

"Can you understand me?" Shepard asked.

There was a moment before, "Yes."

Well, that was a start. It understood him and it could speak. "You said my name aboard the Reaper. Do you know me?"

Garrus looked at him quizzically and Shepard shrugged it off. One problem at a time.

"We know of you. We have never met."

"I've fought a lot of geth. Garrus and I…we killed a lot of geth."

"We have never met you. Shepard-Commander. Human. Alliance. Fought Heretics. Killed by Collectors."

"Hm. Thanks for the reminder." Shepard folded his arms. "I don't understand. Geth share information. You must have information about me…about Garrus, Tali? The geth would remember us shooting a lot of you."

"Geth build our own future. The Heretics ask the Old Machines to give them the future. They are no longer part of us."

"Are we sure it's running properly?" Garrus asked in a low voice. "It could be damaged."

"We are operating correctly." The geth flared the plates around its optic light. Almost…surprised. "We located Shepard-Commander aboard the Old Machine."

"The Reaper?"

"Reaper. A superstitious title originating with the Protheans. We call these entities the Old Machines. We were studying the Old Machines hardware to protect our future."

Shepard blinked, hard, trying to ease the burgeoning pain of a headache behind his eyes. Couldn't anyone just give him a straight answer without the cryptic jumble? "So the Reapers are attacking geth, too? That doesn't make sense. The Reapers want to wipe out all organic life – I've never heard about them coming after our calculators."

Garrus sniggered.

"We are different from them. Outside their plans." The geth regarded Garrus for a moment, studying him. "We oppose the Heretics. We oppose the Old Machines."

"Okay, wait. Heretics? You said that before. Are you saying there's two species of geth?"

"No. The Heretics are no longer part of us."

Shepard sighed. He was getting nowhere with this. Maybe it was a conversation for another time. "So what do you want with me?"

"Shepard-Commander opposes the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the Heretics. Cooperation furthers mutual goals."

Shepard looked back at Garrus for a moment. Garrus just shrugged. "Wait, so you… Are you asking to join us?"

"Yes."

He rubbed his head and down his neck, pressing at his amp and feeling the familiar tingle through his hand. Grounding. "Drop the field, Garrus."

"I don't like this," Garrus said but complied with the request.

"Alright…geth. What should we call you?"

"Geth."

"Uh. No, you. I mean you; this form. You have to have a name."

"We are all geth. There is no individual. There are currently 1,183 programs active within this platform."

"My name is Legion; for we are many," EDI piped in, her holographic orb appearing in the AI Core. It was a little disconcerting. Shepard hadn't really thought about how they were, right now, kind of in EDI.

"Christian Bible. The Gospel of Mark, chapter five, verse nine. We acknowledge this is an appropriate metaphor. We are Legion, a terminal of the geth. We will integrate into Normandy."

Shepard took a deep breath. Great. So, now he had a geth. A geth, on his ship, on his squad. A geth that didn't want to kill him in some horrible and horrific way. A geth called Legion. He held out his hand. A gesture – he could shake the geth's hand and welcome it aboard. Legion looked at him and the metal plates around its 'eye' flared again, like it was…feeling. It looked at Shepard's hand and reached out its own and they shook on it. A deal made. Now how was he going to explain this one to Tali?

He couldn't drag it out. Tali needed to hear it from him, not through the grapevine. He owed her that. But it didn't make it any easier. He left Legion under guard and had EDI watch him, just in case. He didn't think the geth was lying, but he also didn't quite trust it. Trust had to be earned, especially from a geth.

He took a deep breath outside of Engineering.

"Tali? Can we talk?" he asked once the doors slid open.

Tali looked over her shoulder but didn't turn to face him. She looked back at her console and Shepard felt his confidence fail, dropping somewhere in his stomach.

"I spoke with it."

"I want you to get rid of it, Shepard." Tali's hands froze above her console.

Gabby and Ken nodded to him from across the room and then beat a hasty retreat out the door behind them. Apparently their presence was the only thing stopping Tali and keeping her in check. She turned on him and Tris didn't need to see her face to understand her anger.

"How could you bring a geth aboard? A geth! After all we have been through together, Shepard, I never thought... Never..."

"Tals...please try to trust me on this. I-" He clamped his mouth shut, biting on his tongue. Would he just sound stupid if he explained it to her? He'd brought an active geth aboard, let it integrate into the Normandy and for what? To satisfy his own curiosity. "It was looking for me. I need to know why."

Tali wrung her hands together and turned, placing her shoulder and hip and side of her body between them, a barrier where there was none. "It's a geth. No good can come of this. It could be gathering information and sending it back as we speak. They could be gathering information on humanity, they could be looking for more information on the Flotilla!"

"I wouldn't let that happen. EDI is keeping a close eye on its workings."

"Currently Legion is accessing only the information we have gathered on the Reapers. It seems unconcerned with information regarding the Quarian Fleet," EDI said.

"Legion? You named it?"

"It's not a dog, Tali. It...ah...agreed on a name. We couldn't call it 'geth'."

"We shouldn't be calling it anything."

"It says we have a common goal. The Reapers apparently want to wipe out the Geth, too. Don't ask me why but Legion suggested it join us. I've agreed, hence the name. But I swear, Tali, first sign of anything dodgy and it gets sealed up again."

"And what if that's too late?"

The thought had crossed his mind. What if the geth had developed far enough that they could lie? It wasn't outside of the realms of possibility. He might find himself on a mission with Legion, turn around, and get shot right between the eyes. But in these sorts of situations he usually trusted his gut. Yeah, Legion was a geth, but when he looked at it, watched it... He sighed. "Tali, when I get a feeling like this, I've got to trust it. Just give this a chance. I'm not asking you to be its friend, I'm not even asking you to speak to it. What I'm asking is for you to trust me."

Tali tapped her fingers against her suit fabric, arms folded across her chest. "You ask that an awful lot, Shepard."

"It's the hallmark of my bargaining technique. It's why it's so important I stay trustworthy and can't go around punching reporters. No matter how much I want to."

Tali giggled. "Some of them do deserve it."

"So...you trust me?"

"Of course I do. Doesn't mean I can't sometimes question your decisions."

"Of course. Someone needs to tell me when I'm being daft."

"Oh really?" Tali asked. "Then who gets to tell you when you're acting like a love struck boshtet, or drooling into your cereal, or when your clothes don't match? Or the other night when you had green stuff stuck in your teeth?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck and laughed. "Ah, well, that would generally be Joker...or Kasumi."

"I believe Garrus pointed out the spinach."

"He asked if I had decided to snack on the local vegetation on the last planet we visited."

"It was pretty large."

They both laughed and Shepard's Omni-tool lit up with a message. He looked it up - Legion. Well, at least it was getting the hang of their communications. "So...you can live with this?"

"I don't think you're giving me much of a choice. But yes, I can. Just don't let it give me a reason to regret saying that, Shepard."

He grinned and stepped forward to slide his arms around Tali's shoulders and bring her against him. She stepped forward to meet him, her arms pressed between their bodies and she rested her head forward, her opaque faceplate touching his shoulder, the intimacy of being without a suit remembered if not currently real. Shepard placed a kiss to the top of her head against the material there and it didn't matter that Tali couldn't feel it, not really, because they both knew it happened.

Shepard returned to the AI Core and to Legion. The geth was in the same place Shepard left him. Garrus was standing guard outside but with a nod of his head, Shepard dismissed him. He had his pistol on his thigh and there was a good chance EDI would lock the geth down before it could do any damage.

"I've gotta ask…what's with the N7 armor? Where'd you get it anyway? They don't just hand it out to anyone – though I hear you can buy pretty good replicas these days."

Legion's hood flared and twitched, as though he was thinking. Or he didn't want to answer. It took a moment and Legion looked away before saying, "It was yours. When you disappeared, we were sent to find you."

"You've been looking for two years? That's pretty dedicated."

"Organic transmissions claimed your death. We recovered this debris from your hardsuit."

"But of all things why use my armor to fix your hole?" Shepard asked, waving at the rather substantial hole in Legion's frame.

"…there was a hole."

"A hole."

Legion was silent.

"Uh-huh… So what can I do for you, Legion?"

"We have completed our analysis of the Data Core. We were sent to the Old Machine to preserve the geth's future. They were developing a weapon to use against the geth – you would call it a 'virus'. It is stored on a Data Core provided by Sovereign. Over time…the virus will change us. Make us think that worshiping the Old Machines is correct."

"Ah. And that's not what you want," Shepard said. He leant against the wall and folded his arms. There was a story here, he could sense it.

"The heretics stored the virus in a quantum storage core. To find and destroy the virus we needed to understand its code and construct. This virus installs a subtle change into our runtimes, the equivalent of your nervous system. This changes the result of all future decisions. We are networked and most would change within a day."

"So if this virus was implemented it would give all geth the heretics logic. Change you to their thinking. And then you'd go to war with all organics. Perfect. Do you know where to find this virus?"

"Yes. We will provide coordinates. The Normandy's stealth systems are necessary to approach the Heretic Station."

"Just perfect."

---

Shepard wasn't really expecting all of this. A divide between geth and Heretics and Old Machines when he thought he just had problems with Collectors. At least for now. The Reapers always seemed to have their tentacles in everything Shepard did.

"You know they could just look out a window, right? I mean, we're right here," Joker said, gesturing wildly at the window.

"Windows are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them," Legion said.

Joker couldn't help himself. Which wasn't unusual. He mimicked Legion with stilted, robotic like movements until Shepard smirked and tried to hide his laugh. He squeezed Joker's shoulder and left his Pilot to do his job and continue to the given coordinates. The Normandy's heat emissions were completely hidden and if Legion was right about geth not needing windows then they were invisible.

The Normandy pulled towards the Heretic Station, a great, giant metal construct looming before them. Shepard left Joker with another soft touch to his shoulder and met Joker's eyes for just a moment. Everything that needed to be said was there – be careful, stay safe, and I love you.

"Shepard," Garrus said and Shepard nodded and followed.

The hallways of the Heretic Station were long, desolate. There were no geth units to be seen. At least for now.

"We have infiltrated their wireless network. We will not be detected."

Shepard made to follow Garrus but it was Legion who stopped him.

"Shepard-Commander. We concluded that the destruction of this station was the only resolution to the Heretic question. There is now a second option. Their virus can be repurposed. If released into the station the Heretics here will be rewritten to accept our truth."

"That sounds dangerously close to indoctrination," Garrus said. He looked over his shoulder and at Shepard through his helmet. "Unless there's something I'm missing."

It made Shepard pause. If he released the virus back into this station he would rewrite these geth – Heretics – and remove them as a threat. But Garrus was right; it was dangerously close to what Sovereign had done. Indoctrination. The thought made his stomach churn. To lose himself in that way, well, he just couldn't imagine.

But these were geth. It was just changing a computer program.

Right?

"Let's just go. We can decide later."

Legion did as asked and they continued through the station. When they did locate the geth they were attached to…hubs, of some kind.

"The Heretics are linking to the main system. They are sharing information. We are many eyes looking at the same thing. One platform may look at the same situation from a different perspective and make a different decision based on that information."

"But there's no 'you'."

"No. To be disconnected from the mainframe… It is quiet."

It was hard to understand. The geth were not like organic races. They were more like ants. Or bees. If he had to compare. They worked together, shared information and treated it as their own. They had no individuality, no personality, just the collective. How could he treat the geth like anything other than walking computers when they had shown no sense of individuality or persona before? There was nothing to endear the geth to him, in fact, they had done nothing but shoot at him and try to eliminate him.

Except those were the Heretics. Not the geth. The geth… The geth were Legion, were attached to this platform. They had never attacked him.

If he believed all of that.

"We can assume control of any defensive turret," Legion said as they moved ahead.

"That's handy," Garrus said.

They managed to slip down the corridors undetected, continuing past the Heretics connected to the hubs. It was though they were sleeping, heads bowed and lights out. Shepard shook his head. It was too easy to compare the geth to organics. They seemed so similar; looked and moved like organics and showed themselves to be such a close copy of their creators. It was confusing – it made it all the more confusing.

The alarms blared in his ears and Shepard looked down to where his foot had crossed the line. Shit. He was letting himself get too carried away with all this contemplation. Now was not the time! He leapt behind a low wall and Garrus hit the floor next to him. It was Legion who stormed ahead, drawing fire from them so that Shepard and Garrus could easily pick the targets off one by one. They caused few problems, only a handful of Heretic units that had been attached to the hub.

The corridors after were the same. Heretic units that had been connected to their hubs burst into life and attacked. He had hoped they could sneak through the entire station undetected but he had blown that opportunity. The corridors went down, down, through the Station, further away from the hull and safety. If this place went up they would be stuck down here.

"What are those…?" Garrus asked and stopped, leaning against the frame.

It was a window. Shepard almost laughed. No windows indeed. Behind the glass was a huge, glowing hub. Different than those they had destroyed, and no Heretic units. Just…computers.

"This is a database. It contains a portion of the Heretics memories. Wait-!"

Shepard looked at Legion as he accessed the database. The geth's head moved side to side, hood flaring. Thinking.

"There is information that the Heretics have infiltrated some of our numbers."

"Wouldn't they want to spy on you?" Garrus asked. "They're not really looking to make friends."

"You do not understand. Organics do not know each other's minds. Geth do. We are not suspicious. We accept each other. The Heretics wanted to leave. We understood and allowed it to happen. There was peace. How could we have become so different?"

Shepard shrugged. "Geth can learn. The geth have learnt, and the Heretics have learnt. They learnt on their own terms."

"We no longer understand each other."

"Welcome to the universe," Garrus mumbled and they continued on.

Legion stopped him in a large room and stepped up to a console. "We will upload a copy of our runtime into the Core. It will delete all versions of the virus. We can override some of the Station's internal systems to defend us."

"That's what I like to hear," Shepard said.

The Heretics responded in force. They flooded the room but most were taken down by the large turrets in the middle of the path. The Heretics had prepared themselves for attack and it had turned against them. The rest were picked off by Garrus as Shepard defended the path up to their level. The Heretics barely stood a chance. Garrus, as usual, was a brilliant shot. Shepard kicked one of the geth that had made it up the ramp and knocked him right over the side of the low wall, tumbling down to ground below. The geth exploded, knocking down another and blasting through the shields and stealth pack of another.

Garrus called something over the commlink, some sort of praise from the sound of it, but the crackle was too loud. The last of the Heretics fell and the floor was quiet.

Almost too quiet. This station, with the lack of oxygen and barest of gravity made debris and dust float around them, small pieces of metal they had to swipe aside as they walked.

"Well that was interesting," Shepard said and returned to Legion.

"Shepard-Commander, it is time to choose. Do we rewrite the Heretics…or delete them?"

"Huh? Why do you want me to choose. This has nothing to do with me. This is to do with the geth."

"We are conflicted. There is no consensus in our higher runtimes. You have fought the Heretics – you have perspective we lack. The geth would leave this to you."

Shepard took a step back, making to turn until he felt Garrus' hand on his arm. No escape from this one. But how could he make that sort of decision? If he rewrote the Heretics it was as good as indoctrinating them, forcing them to feel and believe something that did not come to on their own. Would they not be better destroyed? At least if they were destroyed, they had lived and died free.

If they lived at all. It brought him back to the same question. The same questions that had plagued him all along, since before they had activated the beacon, before Saren and the Reapers had come the geth. And the question of whether they were truly alive. If something could flick a switch in its head from on to off, was it alive?

Shepard grumbled under his breath and sighed heavily. It seemed like the galaxy always wanted his help. Someone always wanted him to make their difficult decisions for them. Shepard would help. Shepard would fix this and that, fix everything.

"You don't have any issue with wiping them out? I mean, they are basically your people."

"The Heretics chose a path that is not compatible. Every species has the right to choose its own path."

"You're letting them make their decisions and then killing them for it? You can't have it both ways, Legion," Garrus said but he gave Shepard another small shove forward. Removing the problem from his shoulders and back onto Shepard's.

"We choose to defend ourselves."

"Right, so we've got two choices here. Destroy them, or indoctrinate them with this virus. Both are horrible choices, I hope you know."

"We cannot coexist."

"No, I guess you can't. Do it, then. Blow them up."

Garrus nodded.

Legion turned back to the console. "Recommend withdrawal to the Normandy."

The station shuddered and went dark before warning evacuation lights flashed. The corridors were bathed in an eerie orange glow, debris floating above the floors.

"Ah, I think it's time to get out of here!" Shepard thumped Garrus on the arm and they ran. They didn't have time. Didn't have time for the Heretics that tried to stop them; a last ditch attempt at protecting themselves. In the end it wouldn't matter. The pulse would destroy them along with any other Heretic in the galaxy. Leaving his back open was not a preferred method of confronting an enemy but they just didn't have time.

There was no time.

Again.

Shepard grabbed Legion and pulled him around a corner and the Heretics they were fighting were left behind. Left to chase after them, dogging their heels. It didn't matter.

Shepard stumbled around the corner and looked up. "Shit!" He dove to the right, back around the wall as the Geth Prime shot at him and his team.

"You can't be serious!" Garrus barked.

Again, it was Legion who stepped out and took the full brunt of the Heretics fire. Garrus and Shepard pushed, rifles firing, pushing the Prime back up against the wall. A well-placed shot from Legion's rifle brought the Prime down, sliding down the wall and to the floor. The light shuttered out and the Prime went dark.

"Let's get out of here," Shepard said. They didn't wait any longer and bailed. Joker was waiting. The Normandy was waiting. The Normandy pulled away from the Station and burst into speed and they were gone before the pulse activated on the Station.

It was done.

Legion nodded to Shepard, a strange motion from the geth that Shepard didn't expect. Not that he expected anything from Legion. The geth was breaking everything he thought he knew about the geth. He watched Legion leave and startled when Garrus touched his shoulder.

"I think you made the right decision. They might be machines but I don't believe anyone should be indoctrinated. If I ever… Well, you do what you have to and bring me down. I don't want to live like that."

"Yeah. Thanks, Garrus."

"No problem."

Joker waited until Garrus had walked down into the CIC and toward the lifts before spinning his chair to look at Tris. "So…"

"I don't know, Joker. I mean, how do I even know if I made the right decision? Why was it even my damn decision to make."

"Because you're Commander Shepard. For some people, that's all they need to know."

"Yeah… Are you off shift soon?"

"Another three hours."

"Hm. Well, if I'm asleep when you get up then just prod me, okay?"

Joker smiled, smug and happy with himself. After all, who else got to make themselves comfortable with Commander Shepard in his bed? No one, that's who. He had ever right to be smug. But he wouldn't wake Tris; he needed his sleep and he needed to relax. Joker would slide into the bed against him and stroke Shepard's skin and watch him sleep until he felt just as tired. It might be a little weird to watch Tris sleeping but there was something calm about his face when he slept.

A calm that was never there when Shepard was awake.

He rocked his chair back and forth and wasted time through the next hour. He had his eye on their position in case there was any blowback from the whole Heretic issue but it was dreadfully quiet in this part of space. Nothing of note, nothing to mention. He turned his attention inwards to the crew. Okay, so he liked to snoop. Everyone knew already! Kasumi was in her room, seated on the couch and scribbling in a notebook. Samara was meditating, which was not at all surprising; nor was both Jacob and Garrus working on their guns and Zaeed smoking a cigar. Grunt was drawing a picture and when Joker zoomed in it looked like…a shark? He snorted and laughed quietly to himself. Grunt really was just a big baby still. After all he had only just been 'born'. He probably thought of Shepard as some sort of father figure. Better than Grunt's actual 'father', for sure.

Engineering next and his two favorite engineers were bickering – again. It was like watching a romantic comedy with those two. And usually Tali would be right there, working on wires and cursing to herself.

Tali wasn't there.

Nor was she in the Drive, nor in the Mess Hall.

"EDI, where's Tali?"

"Tali'Zorah is currently outside the AI Core. I believe she is going to see Legion. There has been some unusual—"

"Shit!" Joker leaned forward and flicked the controls, moving his hands until the camera in the Med Bay centred on Tali, sure enough just outside the AI Core and entering. Great. He sighed and brought up the commlink straight to Shepard.

"Joker?" He sounded tired but hadn't been woken.

"Tali's just gone to see Legion. I can't see anything good coming from that."

"…shit. Alright. I hope she doesn't blow the lamp outta his head before I can get there."

Joker turned his attention back to the cameras. Tali had her handgun drawn on Legion but Legion was not defending himself. Joker flipped the comm switch to the AI Core. "Shepard's on his way! Don't do anything stupid."

Tali flinched and took a step back. The doors opened behind her and she spared a look at Shepard.

"I caught Legion scanning my Omnitool!" Tali said, anger seething into her voice.

"Creators performed weapons tests on Geth hardware. We believed it important to warn our people of possible aggression," Legion responded.

"I won't let Legion endanger the Fleet!" Tali pressed closer to Legion. Shepard stepped forward and slowly raised his hand to her arm. She didn't turn his gun on him or attempt to stop him lowering her weapon. Shepard clicked the safety and patted Tali's arm.

"Let's do this without guns, okay?" Shepard said.

"Creator Tali'Zorah acts out of loyalty to her people. We must also protect our people from the Creator threat."

"Legion, if your people knew what experiments the Quarians had been running on the Geth, it would lead to a war between your people. Is that what you want? We have bigger threats in the galaxy," Shepard said.

Legion paused. The panels around its optic flared, thinking. "We believed it necessary to relay information but to facilitate unit cohesion we will not transmit information on creator plans."

Shepard sighed and Tali visibly relaxed, shoulder slumping as she breathed out.

"You're both going to have to stop this. A war between the Quarians and the Geth would endanger millions of lives - on both sides."

"What if we gave you some non-classified data to send?" Tali asked.

"We would be grateful."

Joker watched as Tali transmitted the information to Legion via her Omnitool. Shepard waited. It was best not to leave while tensions were still high.

And Joker was left down the line, unable to assist. Always a call away.

---

"Hey..."

Shepard took the stairs one at a time, not wanting to intrude but having to do this.

"You didn't leave," he said. "You had the chance."

"Figured if I left I might not come back," Jack said.

Shepard smiled. "That's what I meant."

"Figured maybe I wanted to stay."

Shepard hauled himself onto the crate to sit. It had become his 'spot'.

Jack flopped back on her cot and draped her arm over her eyes. "So, we're doing this thing, huh?"

"Yeah...we are."

"Good. Fucking bugs have it coming. Been itching to unload a few clips into them."

"Are you sure? You've done enough for me to call us even."

She lowered her arm but stared at the lights above her cot. He could see the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed but could only hear the hum of the engine core.

"I'm sure," she said finally. "It's not right. It's one thing to attack mercs and soldiers but you don't touch civilians. There were families...kids... They didn't do anything."

"And if you don't make it back?"

"Yeah...could happen. Plenty of worse ways to go, though."

"Like not doing anything?"

"You're the Boy Scout, not me. ...but yeah. I was thinking of going. Was gonna ditch the minute we hit Omega. Even made plans to get outta there on the next freighter I could find. But that's not me...y'know? Not now. Damn you, Shep."

"I don't think it was ever you, Jack. Circumstance can change what we do, but it doesn't change who we are."

"I told you before, save me the psychobabble. I just want you to get where we stand. I always thought I was alone…y'know? Then you come along and that crazy chic and ugh!" Jack put her hands on her head and scraped her nails against her skin. "This is so strange for me. I thought you would all just leave me alone but you all just kept pushing! What was I supposed to do with that?"

"I dunno. What did you do with that? Because I know Kasumi comes down here. I've seen you heading out to talk to Zaeed. You and Samara? How often have you gone to see her?"

"Yeah, I have gone to see her." Jack stood. She rubbed her arms, her brow wrinkling as she looked away from him. "This is serious shit. I just wanna say that…that if we die, I…" She bit her lower lip and Shepard saw the single tear that trickled down her cheek. It was quickly wiped away but left a black mark of eyeliner on her cheek.

"Jack…it's okay. I get it." Shepard stepped down off the crate and took a step towards her. Maybe it was all she needed, just a small sign of his shared affection, because Jack stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck.

It wasn't awkward. Just the hum of the engine around them and the sounds of their breathing.

"I just wanted to let you know where we stand," Jack repeated.

"Yeah, I get it."

---

"Even if something just doesn't feel right...you call me. Okay?" Shepard asked.

Joker rolled his eyes. "It will be fine. Seriously, I'm going to be so bored. I'll probably spend my time sending you bad jokes and watching old Blasto vids."

Shepard tightened his hold around him and Joker sighed. Yeah, he got it. He didn't leave the ship like the others, didn't go on missions or recon, hell, he didn't even pilot the shuttle, but he was still a soldier. He might be physically fragile but he was mentally anything but. It didn't stop him from turning his nose against Shepard's neck, though, and he breathed in deep. It was frustrating that Tris was basically coddling him but...it also meant he cared. They could work on the other stuff.

"I'm good, Shep. Serious. Nothing to worry about."

"Come on, Shepard! Catch up with lover-boy when we get back!" Jack yelled from the Kodiak.

Joker waved to Shepard as he boarded the Kodiak with the rest of the team. EDI had given an estimated downtime of around six hours so Shepard decided to take the time to investigate rumblings of a mercenary hideout. Dangerous but predictable, probably, and something the team would not need emergency pick-up from.

It was quiet without the Officers and regulars on board. Joker had never realised it before. He was so used to seeing Kasumi loitering around, or Miranda speaking with crewmen about ship upgrades or duty rosters.

"Shepard gone?" Kelly asked when she saw him exit the elevator onto the CIC.

"Just then. We'll be jumping to unoccupied space just outside of Omega in the Sahrabarik system."

Kelly frowned. The expression was quick and was replaced with a cheery smile. "Nothing is going to happen, but I can see the need for precautions."

"That's what I said." He nodded to Kelly and headed up to the cockpit. EDI's orb flashed open as he slumped into his chair.

"All preparations to integrate the Reaper IFF are underway. I will be limiting my active run times to focus on the task to ensure accuracy."

"That difficult, huh?"

"It is just a precaution, Mr Moreau."

Yeah, precautions.

Joker took the Normandy out of planetary orbit and through the Mass Relay. He kept her cloaked through the system and out into unoccupied space. He didn't need raiders to attack right now, thinking they were an easy target. People got desperate around these parts.

The Normandy ran almost silent but with the engines powered down and everything offline except basic life support and operations, it was damn eerie. The familiar rumble of the engine core underfoot was absent and despite the brightly lit corridors, Joker couldn't help look over his shoulder towards the CIC as EDI worked.

He had very little to do. What did he know about Reaper tech? As much as he wanted to know, really. There were some things he didn't mind being ignorant about and Reaper tech was one. Childbirth was another. Because seriously? Kudos to women for taking that. If he ever had a kid, he would be waiting out in the hall.

Not that he had ever really thought about having a kid. He knew that with genetic screening he would be able to have a normal kid, one without Vroliks, but honestly he had just never given it much thought. Caring for himself was hard enough. How was he supposed to look after a baby? A toddler? Shit...how did parents deal with teenagers? Joker leant his head against his hand. What if Shepard wanted kids, though? If they did get their future (which Joker really liked to think they would because the Universe damn well owed them) would Shepard want a kid? There was all sorts of technology out there for would-be parents. Hell, Miranda's father had created her from nothing but his own DNA. Arrogant bastard.

The house, he could imagine. He could imagine a dog and a cat and a house on Mindoir. He could imagine Kasumi visiting and Liara visiting and he could even imagine Kaidan visiting once he realised he had been an ass and apologised. Joker could imagine all of those things but he couldn't imagine a kid. He just couldn't. He would be an awful father. But if that was what Shepard wanted...

Joker shook his head and flicked on an episode of the Blasto series (like he told Shepard he would be watching. Might as well live up to his promises). But now that he had started to think about it, he couldn't really get it out of his head. If Shepard did want kids, even if he decided to adopt a kid, what would Joker say to him? He couldn't agree...could he?

"Ugh!" Generally he would ask EDI. He wasn't sure when it happened but somewhere along the line she had become...what, a friend? She couldn't be a friend. She wasn't even alive. A confidante maybe? She had become a sounding board. Whenever he was confused or stressed he could talk to her and EDI always had a logical answer, but she also questioned him - she wanted to learn and to learn she needed clarification. It forced Joker to find that clarification for EDI, if not for himself.

But he couldn't ask EDI now. Probably for the best. It didn't warrant the question. Thoughts of a future were far out of their reach. At the moment they had Shepard's cabin in the Loft, a tank full of exotic fish, and each other. And that was pretty awesome.

"Mr Moreau, we are experiencing some unusual readings in auxiliary systems."

Joker wrinkled his nose. He flicked through his displays. "Your readings are wrong."

"I have detected a signal among the static. ...we are transmitting our location."

"Transmitting?" Joker asked, fingers flying over his console. "To who?"

The panels lit up, blaring emergency signals, klaxons sounding. Joker felt the push on the Normandy as another ship entered space alongside them. Close enough to see right out the window.

"Shit!"

The Collector vessel was huge. He had seen it before, horrible memories of the Collector vessel searing the Normandy SV1 out of the sky. Emergency lights flaring, huge chunks of the ship floating out into space, crew dead and Shepard... Joker pressed his eyes closed and took a deep breath. He couldn't afford to panic.

"I'm getting us out of here!" Joker enabled the flight panel. Red signals flashed and the panel locked down.

"Propulsion systems have been disabled. I'm detecting a virus within our systems."

"From the IFF?" Joker asked. He slammed his hand down on the ships alarm, alerting the crew to assemble. Weapons cabinets were unlocked, crew scrambling to their stations all over the ship. "Damn it! I knew we should scrub it!"

"Primary defenses are offline. We can save the Normandy, but I will need your help," EDI said. "Give me the ship."

Joker looked at her avatar. They were being boarded. "You're crazy! I'm not doing that!" The ship groaned and shuddered. Damn it. What choice did he have? "All right! But you start singing Daisy Bell and I am so done."

"Unlock my sealed databases and I can initiate counter procedures. The maintenance shaft will lead you to the AI Core. The main corridors are no longer safe - the Collectors have boarded."

Joker groaned and thumped his head back against the padded headrest of his seat. He had to go. He heard a scream behind him in the CIC. Joker pulled himself out of his chair, legs wobbling from sitting for so long without a break. He clung to his chair and then pushed himself forward.

Joker had never felt so scared in his entire life.

He had broken bones, had crushed his rib cage and punctured his lungs and had thought he would die of asphyxiation, had cracked his skull against the bathroom floor and had watched his blood trickle down the drain until he passed out, but all of that paled in comparison.

It wasn't even in the same fucking field.

He pressed his back against the bulkhead. He tried not to breathe. His heart raced inside his chest and he could feel his legs wobble.

"Hurry!" EDI urged.

A woman screamed again and he peeked back around the corner to see a Collector drag her into the elevator. The huge bulk of a Praetorian loomed over her body and it uncurled itself from the open lift. Two crewmen were firing at it, their rounds peppering its huge body. It swiped out at one man and then leapt towards Joker and he turned and moved as fast as his damn legs would take him.

Dammit. Dammit! If he was anyone else he might have been able to save them. If he was anyone else, he might have been able to buy them more time.

"Shit!" He felt his eyes burn.

EDI led him through the corridors, steering him down the safest route. All her time was being dedicated to keeping him safe. Locking down doors and service tunnels, plunging rooms around him into darkness to shield him.

"You must go through the service tunnels," EDI said. "You must hurry."

Black. Pitch black down there. One slip and he would fall and probably kill himself. Then he would be no help to anyone. "Shit, shit, shit!" He didn't have a choice. Joker looked up and saw massive blue, glowing eyes staring back at him from the Drive Core through the window. His heart gave a great thud in his chest and he grabbed the rails and lowered himself down into the shaft. He didn't have time to be scared. He didn't have time to freak out.

He could freak out later.

Slowly. Slowly, slowly, one step at a time. Double check his footing, grip the rails tight and lower his leg down, one step at a time until he hit the service tunnel. Just like all the things he had never had to do in boot camp. Crawl through the tunnel on hands and knees, mindful of his head. His legs burned in pain. He found the ladder back up, emergency lighting leading the way. And it was the same going up as it was going down.

Slowly, slowly.

One step at a time.

The ship was swarming with Collectors. What crew that weren't dead we're being dragged out or had been contained in those pods. A fate worse than death. The Med-Bay was empty and Joker bit down hard enough on his lip for the pain to momentarily overshadow the pain in his legs. Chakwas was gone, too.

"Joker!"

"Hawthorne? Get the hell out of here!"

"No, Sir! This deck is crawling with those things and we've got to get you to the AI Core, Sir! Follow me!

"Hawthorne!"

Hawthorne ran forward, assault rifle clasped in his hands. Joker swore and followed. He broke the corridor and Hawthorne's body was thrown against the wall in front of him. The man slumped, broken, out cold and Joker saw a Collector dragging Kelly into the elevator. Her nails scraped on the floor as she tried to hold on.

He slipped around past them. The Collectors were occupied. Kelly hadn't even seen him. He choked back a burble of noise that fought its way into his throat.

Later. He could freak out later.

He heard the doors to Engineering seal behind him. There were Collectors in the halls. They would know he was here. He slammed his hand on the sensor outside of the AI Core unnecessarily. EDI opened the doors for him and then sealed the room.

"Okay, I'm in…uhh…you."

"Connect the core to the Normandy's primary systems."

"Great," Joker said with a heavy sigh. "This is where it all starts, and when we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame!"

Silence, of course, but he was glad no one was answering. The only ones left on the ship were Collectors.

"This is all Joker's fault!" he said and snorted a laugh at his own wit. It kept his mind off what was really going on outside of those doors.

The room around him flashed bright and he stepped back away from the control panel. The lights on the ground buzzed and flashed and then he heard EDI's voice, "I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering."

"What? You've got to be kidding me! You just want me crawling through the ducts again."

"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."

If EDI had discovered a sense of humour, now was not the fucking time!

"That is a joke."

"Right…" Joker said and turned away.

More service ducts, more service ladders, his knees raw from crawling along hard metal plates. He banged his head on a low rail but pressed on.

"Hostiles are present in engineering," EDI informed him.

He leant back against a crate and tried to catch his breath. Failed, but tried. At any moment the Collectors could come down those steps looking for him. He wouldn't stand a chance at saving himself. He saw the shadow pass overhead and he sucked in a breath. The doors opened and then closed.

"Engineering is clear. Move quickly to minimize the chances of being detected."

A pained gasp tore his throat as he pressed forward, the weight on his knees unbearable. The stairs were murder. Adrenaline pulled him through.

The doors to engineering slid open as he reached the top of the stairs. He limped up to the control panel, clutching at his thigh. If he survived this he was going to feel it in the morning.

"Activate the drive and I will open the airlocks as we accelerate. All hostiles will be killed."

"You can't! What about the rest of the crew?"

"They're all gone, Jeff."

Funny, how some moments felt unreal. He heard the words but he didn't understand. The crew couldn't be gone. He couldn't be the only one left. He couldn't be. He stared at the great orb of the Drive Core and then rubbed his hands over his face. The breath of air he let go burned his throat on the way out.

"Alright," he said.

This couldn't be happening.

"I am in control."

He felt the hum resonate through his body, the Drive Core bright like a star. He felt the kick and was thrown backwards. His head slammed against the metal grating and the light went out as he slipped into unconsciousness.

"Jeff!"

He groaned. He didn't want to get up yet. It had been a rough night, the pain worse than usual. Way worse than usual.

"Jeff, wake up."

He rolled to the side and the metal grating dug into his side. He frowned. He wasn't in Shepard's cabin. But his legs were still aching. He groaned as his head throbbed. He could see the pulse of blood behind his closed eyes.

"Shit..." He hauled himself up. He was in Engineering.

The crew were gone.

He...was alive.

Joker pulled his knees up against his chest and leant forward to grip his ankles. He could feel himself shaking and he bit his tongue to stop himself from screaming.

He had lost them. Lost them all. Every single one. Chakwas, Hadley, Gardner, hell, even Kelly. Gone. Dead? He didn't know.

"Jeff... are you alright?"

He looked up. EDI's presence in Engineering was behind him but she was actually all around him. He didn't need to look at a holographic representation of her to speak with her. "Not really," he said. His voice sounded small and far away. His voice sounded like he felt.

"It wasn't your fault, Jeff."

"Yeah..." He dragged himself to his feet, aware of the undignified sound he made as he rested his weight on his legs. "Call Shepard. Tell him what happened..."

He could freak out later.

---

"Everyone out."

The team looked at Shepard who until this point had been silent. Dead silent. He didn't look up, focussed on the floor, his feet, anything except his crew and friends.

"Shepard, we-" Miranda began but was silenced as Shepard's biotics flared, brilliant blue in the cold room.

Joker looked up. His gut clenched. But he wanted them out, too.

"Out!" Shepard shouted. The response was automatic. The team fled, not another word spoken and then it was just Joker and Shepard and silence.

Joker opened his mouth but could find no words. What was there to say? It had happened - the crew were gone, EDI free and- He inhaled sharply as Shepard crossed the scant few steps towards him. His eyes were dark, as though all the color, all that blue that Joker loved so much was just gone. Shit, he was angry. "Tris-"

No more words. No time for words, no space for them between the crash of lips, click of teeth and Shepard's hands against his cheeks as he kissed him. He leant forward and heard an embarrassing whimper slide past his lips as he eagerly accepted the crushing intimacy he hadn't really realized he needed. Joker wrapped his arms around Shepard's shoulders, pulling him closer up against the bench, between his knees until he could hook his boots behind Shepard's thighs and hold him there where he needed him. He had been strong, held his own in a ridiculous and terrifying situation because that's what they did - they were soldiers. They had signed themselves up for the fast lane to Death's door. And he had never been more scared in his entire life. And he needed Shepard now. He dragged his hand through Shepard's hair, grabbing and tugging and felt Shepard's tongue warm and flat against his, chasing the tremors in his body.

Shepard pulled back and nothing - not a twitch of his lips, a glimmer in his eyes or annoying twinge of his cheek - passed his face. Blank, still lost to whatever had drowned the color of his eyes, swept up like a hurricane; dark, tumultuous, terrifying. He grabbed Joker, hands on either side of his hips, and pulled him forward to the edge of the bench. Joker had to grab Tris' shoulder, steady himself until he was sure Tris had him pressed against his body and that his boots were still firmly linked behind the swell of Shepard's thighs.

Joker breathed out, felt his breath shake and pulse wobble, rapid beneath his skin. He had to bite down on his lip when Shepard's tongue traced the line of the pronounced vein in his neck, had to tip his head back further and close his eyes as Shepard's teeth grated against the fluttering beat. His shirt was pulled from his pants and the tight hold of his belt and Shepard's hand delved up against his stomach, tracing the line of hair under his navel with his knuckles. Shepard's hand splayed flat against his side, ran up along his ribs and back down and he could still feel the lips against his carotid artery, the tongue that gently laved against the drumming beat.

Joker smoothed his hand over Shepard's hair and held him close. He was alive. They were alive. Right now...that's all that mattered. Selfish, horrible and the guilt settled in his throat but was washed away when Shepard pulled back and looked at him. Looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered with dark, glassy eyes and the first spots of tears that pricked the corner of his eyes. Commander Tristan Shepard crying, goddammit, over him.

"Upstairs," Joker said. "Just us."

And Tris got the meaning. "I almost lost you." He smiled and closed his eyes as Joker pressed a kiss to his cheek and the damp line there. "No more waiting."

No more waiting. They had spent too long waiting, edging around each other, getting lost and finally coming together and then more waiting, holding off and putting everything else first and second and leaving this until what seemed like last. It could have never happened. It almost didn't. He had a near silent ship to remind him of that. Not a single person in the CIC, no one to hold up a lift or to inform them of waiting messages at a terminal.

"EDI, no distractions," Shepard said as the doors to the Loft swished closed behind them.

"Of course, Shepard," EDI said but no blip of her avatar, just the glow of the fish tank, the dim strip lighting and the light on the desk.

Joker pulled his cap off, pulled his shirt over his head and dropped both, his hands working at his belt before they hit the ground. Shepard's hands joined his, helping him free from his uniform as Shepard's lips claimed him again, caging him up against his larger body. Joker pushed him back and glanced towards the bed over Shepard's shoulder. He placed his hand in the middle of Shepard's chest and gave him a push, just enough to force him back a step, maybe two and the rest he took voluntarily.

Shepard's shirt hit the floor somewhere near that step down from the entrance, their boots were discarded near the coffee table.

Shepard still tasted like the soap from his shower earlier that morning, his jaw textured with a barely-there scratch against Joker's lips as he bit at the skin. He took Shepard's chin between his thumb and fingers, pressed against that ridiculous and immature patch of black hair under his lower lip, and reached forward and kissed him. Tasted his lips and tongue and saliva and everything that Shepard was - fear, lust, love, pride and neuroses all trapped there in that kiss and it couldn't have been any better. He grinned and stepped forward and Shepard stepped back, his calves and the back of his knees hitting the edge of the bed so he fell backwards, pulling Joker with him and on top of him in a tangle of arms and legs. Joker managed to get Shepard's arms pinned under his somewhere near his head and held him down, nipped at his shoulder, pressed his nose to his skin there and breathed. The scent that he knew better than anyone, something no one else knew; the musk and scent of ozone, soap, oil, spices, sometimes a little like hot, clean night air that Joker barely remembered being real anywhere except on Shepard's skin.

Joker bit his lip until Shepard reached forward and eased the flesh from between his teeth. Fuckin' tease. He needed him out of those pants - out, now. He sat back and Shepard smirked at him, that damn lopsided charming-as-fuck grin that Joker had to kiss away as he worked at Shepard's belt, pulling it open and free, his hands understanding buckles and zips where his mind forgot, preoccupied. He shifted and Shepard grabbed him, arms wrapped around him and forced him sideways against the too-hard mattress that he had gotten used to because it came with Shepard. There was a shuffle and Shepard's trousers disappeared over the edge of the bed just leaving those tight black briefs that Joker hooked his thumb under right at the leg, running back and forth.

The air was thick; all that energy and tension, unspoken words, unshed tears, all there caught in the breath between them. And when Joker breathed in, Shepard leaned down and kissed him, dragging his lower lip between his teeth, hand in Joker's hair and the other bolstered next to his chest, holding him up.

"F-fuck..." Joker breathed out and Shepard grinned right there against his lips.

He couldn't say anything else, his breath ragged as Shepard slid down, his lips passing across Joker's neck, tongue tracing the line of his collarbone, hands sliding through the hair on his pale chest and following the line of it past his navel but stopping there, pressing and sliding across his soft skin.

When he looked at Shepard it still sometimes confused him. Here he was, not great looking, soft in all the wrong places, scarred from surgery to repair and strengthen stupid broken bones in his stupid broken body, and then there was Shepard. Shepard, fucking gorgeous Shepard with hard muscles, storm blue eyes, smooth skin marked with scars he had damn well earned.

"You gonna...lose those?" he asked, his voice wound just as tight as his body, and he motioned to Shepard's briefs. Shepard gave him a look - wait - and he settled back and watched and waited. Because the view was pretty damn good, too.

Shepard threw a plastic bag at him and Joker caught it (barely). "What is... Oh." He laughed. He had to. And Shepard's nose had gone red and he was rubbing the back of his neck where his black hair had been shaved to stubble."I figured we might need it. Eventually."

"Mordin offered to supply lube, y'know."

Shepard actually managed to look embarrassed as he pulled his lips into a thin line. "Not a conversation I needed to be having with him. It was embarrassing enough buying this stuff. Had it shoved in the plastic bag and made the person at the counter wrap it so the labels weren't visible. Bet he had a real laugh when I left. Then to make it worse I had to carry the damn bag all over the ship as I talked to people. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?"

Joker laughed. Because it drained some of the stress from the room and he saw Shepard's shoulders relax and it wasn't so serious. They were alive, they were together, and it wasn't so urgent. They had time, even if the cost was high. He pulled the box out of the bag and waved it at Shepard. "So, you gonna get some use outta this or did you go through all that for nothing? If you had other plans I can leave you to it. No skin off my nose."

The bed dipped as Shepard knelt at its edge. He snagged the box and pulled out the tube, the bag and packaging discarded over the edge with their clothes. "I went through the pain of buying this, so we're using it."

Joker grinned and wrapped his hand around Shepard's wrist, dragging him over. Shepard's hand went to the small of his back and lowered him down and he wrapped his arms around Shepard's shoulders and pulled his muscled body against him. No room between them, no holding weight that annoyingly frustrating inch above him. Joker hooked his ankle behind Shepard's and then kissed him. Kissed away all that damn worry and hesitation and held him there. He wasn't going to break, this wouldn't snap him into little pieces.

"I'm good," he whispered against Shepard's lips. "Got it? I'll tell you if anything hurts or whatever. Trust me."

And maybe those were the words that Shepard had needed to hear all along. For someone to take the responsibility off his shoulders and asked him to place his faith in someone else. Because he nodded and there was no argument. Just another kiss, and another, and the bite of teeth against Joker's lips. Their bodies skin to skin. They had never really spoken about this before. Not really. They had fooled around, gotten each other off with hurried hand-jobs, but never really had the time or the energy to explore what further meant.

The room was silent other than the ragged sounds of their breath and the ever-present hum of the engines. Joker steadied his palm on Shepard's thigh, thumb stroking a pattern across skin. Shepard had flushed red from his cheeks, down his throat and across his chest.

Shepard's thighs quaked and his fingers dug deep bruises into Jeff's shoulders, even though he held himself back, not enough to really hurt, never to break, but to burn in all the best ways. Joker eased him through it, even though he felt as though he was shaking apart. Shepard needed more…just…more.

Everything about Shepard was hot and drawn tight; his hands grasping at Joker's sides before moving to clasp Joker's hand in his own. Shepard needed Joker in a way that he needed no one else. And this, this burning, he needed this, too.

"Jeff…" Quick kisses fell across Joker's chest, Shepard's lips skirting across his skin. He held Tris' thighs tight and let him have the moment. Joker knew that this was his – no one else got this. Shepard may have to share himself with the entire galaxy but this part of him would always belong to Joker. Here in this bed it was them together. Joker didn't have to share a single one.

Joker held him close. It was what Shepard wanted more than the sex. Closeness. He stroked his back and hair and let Shepard shake in his arms, caught up in everything ringing through his body and shaking his mind. Jeff knew to wait. Because Shepard always came back to him, because Jeff was there to catch him and hold him close.

---

So, two years, huh? Who would have thought... Yeah, this isn't dead. I've just had a lot of issues these past two years - I've been homeless, I've had open heart surgery - and writing wasn't always on my mind. More importantly, my love of Mass Effect came crashing down with ME3. I absolutely hated the game, hated the ending, hated everything. My inspiration for anything to do with Mass Effect died and it's been hard to work on anything to do with the series.

I really do want to finish this, though, and I think another two chapters could be expected. When will I write them? I don't know. But I want to thank anyone who reads this, favorites it, and sends me comments or follows me on Tumblr. The best thing about writing is you guys.

Remember, for the uncensored version you need to visit AO3 where all scenes remain intact and full of porn.