A/N: Sorry for this chapter taking a bit longer than usual. I wrote it…didn't like it…then re-wrote everything. Thanks for reading! Much Love! :)

Disclaimer: Characters and world belong to J.K Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.

Into the Black

Chapter 33: Confessions

Hermione, Regulus and Theo sat around the kitchen table as Susan puttered about at the stove. She insisted that everyone was to have a late breakfast before they spoke with each other. The three of them had forgone breakfast at Hogwarts and instead apparated to Regulus' place as soon as the other students began to board the train to King's Cross Station.

Hermione sat, clutching her mug of tea and staring at a spot on the table. An old chip in the wood, long since painted over.

Theo was sitting with his eyes closed, resigned. Intermittently taking sips of his peppermint tea that Susan insisted he drink the moment she saw him. He grimaced as the scent of food cooking on the stove hit his nostrils.

Regulus reached into his suitcase on the floor next to his chair and pulled out a handful of potion vials. He peered at the labels before he handed one to Theo. "For your upset stomach," he informed him. "I stopped by the hospital wing before we left. I wasn't sure what you'd need. I don't have anything left here, everything was used up after the Battle."

"Thank you," Theo said quietly as he downed the contents of the vial.

"What are the other potions that you have?" Hermione asked, turning to Regulus.

"A dreamless sleep for you, and a hangover potion for Theo," Regulus said. "I won't be giving it to you though…you don't deserve it," he informed Theo. "Madam Pomfrey insisted that I take it and wouldn't let me leave the wing until I did."

"Understood," Theo muttered. His eyes on his hands in front of him.

"Why?"

"Because having a hangover potion is the easy way out, Hermione," Theo said to her, his eyes meeting hers for the first time since they arrived at Regulus' home. "It's the reason why Narcissa refused to allow Draco and me a hangover potion this summer. You get to avoid dealing with the consequences if you have one." He paused, frowning. "The physical consequences, at least," he added on as an afterthought.

Hermione frowned to herself, deep in thought. She had told herself that she wanted to protect Theo. That she wanted to care for him. To make sure he was okay. But as she sat at the head of the table, her anger at him was boiling under the surface. The hurt she felt from his actions cut deep into her chest. His repeated lies to her felt like burns against her skin. Her stomach churned threateningly as she thought of the times they spent together. Intimate and open with each other. How many – if any, of those times had he been sober? She bared her soul to him. She revealed her body to him after everything she shared with him. Her insecurities from the words repeatedly said about her from people who were supposed to be kind.

He hurt her.

Her bottom lip quivered for a moment before she pressed her lips tightly together. She felt her anger building up exponentially under the surface. She wouldn't let him see her cry. Refused to let him see her cry. To see her vulnerable.

She looked over at Theo. He was watching her carefully, knowing she was angry. He swallowed, brought a hand up to placate her. She wanted to hurt him. To make him hurt as much as she did.

His mug of steaming hot tea shattered in his other hand.

Hermione shot up from her seat. Her hands pressing hard into the table. Glaring.

"I'm not hungry," she hissed out. Barely audible. She turned to leave the kitchen. Regulus was leaning back in his chair. Arms crossed, watching her reaction.

Her eyes began to tear up.

Regulus gave her a minuscule nod of his head – like he understood her. Like he understood exactly what she was feeling. He didn't say anything.

She broke eye contact with him and left the kitchen. Walking into her bedroom, she let her tears fall as she softly closed the door.

She pulled her wand out of her holster on her arm and silenced her room before she slid down the door. A sob finally ripping out of her chest.

…

…

Hermione was lying on her back on her bed. It had gotten dark. She hadn't left her bedroom for the better part of the day. She was calm now. Her anger at Theo had subsided. Her hurt, however, remained. She had realised earlier in the day that she was hurt because he had kept it a secret from her. He hid his drinking – his pain from her. Like he didn't trust her with his secret.

She sighed. She had told him everything. Her insecurities. Her goals. Her life before Hogwarts with her muggle parents. Merlin she missed them. She didn't even know where they were. Not specifically at least. Just that they had gone to Australia – she kept it vague for a reason. She hadn't wanted anyone to hunt them down through her. It hadn't been safe for her to know.

A soft knock on her door aroused her from her thoughts. She didn't respond. She didn't want to talk.

Her door opened anyway. Regulus stepped in before carefully closing her door behind him.

He sat on the side of her bed, looking down at her. He took her hand in his own and rubbed his thumb over the back. He cleared his throat. "Did you want Theo to leave?" he asked her gently. "He's in the shower right now – he's a bit of a mess. I can ask Narcissa to come and pick him up, if that's what you want."

Hermione shook her head. "No," she murmured. "He can stay here…I'd like him to stay here for now." She paused, frowning. "He can sleep on the couch."

Regulus chuckled dryly, squeezing her hand. "Susan has already laid out blankets for him."

Hermione gave him a nod, but didn't respond further.

"We spoke for the better part of the day," Regulus informed her. "He told me how long it's been going on. He's told me a lot."

"Don't tell me," Hermione cut in. "I want him to tell me. Not you."

Regulus nodded, squeezing her hand once more. "I understand." He went to speak again, but closed his mouth without saying anything. He frowned. "I think you need to let him speak to you. When you're ready. Only when you're ready."

Hermione's eyes began to leak again. It hurt to swallow. She blinked, letting her tears gush out, down the sides of her face.

"Oh Hermione," Regulus leaned over and held her in his arms. "I am so sorry that you have to deal with this," he muttered in her ear. "I know it hurts. I know he hurt you. He knows he hurt you."

"It hurts right here so much," Hermione motioned to the centre of her chest. "It hurts to breathe. It feels like I've been stabbed right through my chest."

Regulus pulled away from her and gave her a teary smile. "I know. I know exactly how you're feeling. Believe me, I know." He swallowed. "Which means that I know that you two need to speak with each other. You both have a chance to talk with each other. Don't throw it away, that opportunity."

"You think I should stay with him?" Hermione asked her father as she wiped her tears away.

"That's your decision," he told her quietly. "It is solely your decision. I respect whatever you decide. So will Theo."

Hermione sniffed. "I'm hurt that he never told me. That he kept it a secret from me. That he didn't trust me." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "How can we be together if he doesn't tell me anything? If he doesn't trust me enough to tell me his secrets? His pain?"

Regulus sighed and gave her hand a squeeze. "Perhaps…he's not used to telling people his secrets? Perhaps he is used to dealing with his pain on his own, Hermione." He gave her a small smile. "It's a difficult thing to change about yourself if you've never had anyone help you.

She nodded at his explanation. As much as she didn't like it, it did make sense. She heard the loo door open and steps passing by her door to the living room. She sighed.

"I'm going to get some sleep." Regulus told her quietly. "Try to get some sleep alright? I've left the vial of dreamless sleep on the kitchen table. You'll have to leave your room to get it if you need it for tonight."

Hermione nodded once more. "Goodnight," she murmured as Regulus left her room, shutting her door quietly.

She sat up on her bed and swung her legs over to the floor. She needed to change into her pyjamas. She took a look at her watch, noting the late hour. She walked over to her trunk and propped it open, grabbing her sleepwear on the top of the items in her trunk. Within minutes she had changed. She kicked her clothes closer to her trunk. She'd deal with them later.

She sighed, rubbing her face. She didn't want to have a nightmare. She didn't want any dreamless sleep. She exhaled slowly, standing in the middle of her room. She had been attempting to clear her mind for the better part of the day. Compartmentalizing everything. Organizing everything. Protecting.

She stepped towards her door, carefully pulling it open after she extinguished the light in her room. She could see the faint light from the dying fire in the living room. Hermione stepped into the hallway and made her way quietly into the room. Theo was laying on the couch on his back. Blankets pulled up to his chin. Facing the large window at the front of the house.

He turned his head in her direction as she stepped further into the room. He made to sit up. Hermione held her hand up to stop him.

Shaking her head, she stepped closer and stood over him. Without saying a word she reached over and began pulling his blankets away from him, before she climbed on top of him on the couch. She nestled at his side. Her back pressing into the back of the couch. Her leg and arm curling around him tightly. Her head resting on his shoulder.

He pulled the blankets back up as she wiggled against him, trying to get comfy.

"I don't want to talk tonight," she muttered into his chest. "I just really want to sleep. I just really need to sleep."

His arms squeezed her tightly in response. In understanding. "Okay."

Hermione blinked a few times before closing her eyes. She was asleep in minutes.

…

…

Hermione's nose twitched. Her hair tickling her face.

A gentle hand brushed her hair off of her face. Tucked it behind her ear.

She didn't want to move. Her arm tightened around Theo's torso. Rubbing her head against his shoulder before settling down once more. A sigh passed through her lips. Darkness.

…

…

"How long has she been asleep?"

"Um…" Theo's chest rumbled under Hermione's cheek. "She came out of her room just after you left. She was out in minutes." A hand traveled carefully through her hair. "She stirred an hour or so ago. But other than that, nothing. She hasn't moved."

"Good." A pause. "I'll be in the kitchen marking first and second year assignments." A sigh. "It'll take me a while." Steps quieting as they entered into the kitchen. A chair pulled out, scraping against the hardwood floor.

Hermione sighed. She blinked her eyes open. The room was bright, she squinted from the light beginning to shine through the window. Swallowing. "Mmm…what time is it?" she muttered into Theo's chest.

"Eight thirty in the morning," Theo replied quietly. His hand continuing to run through her curls.

Hermione groaned. "I have to pee," she began peeling herself off of Theo, making her way towards the loo.

Washing her hands at the sink, Hermione took a look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess – which was nothing out of the ordinary. Her sleepwear rumpled. She sighed to herself – unable to postpone the inevitable much longer. She left the room and headed to her bedroom to change. Grabbing her toiletry bag out of her trunk she returned to the loo to brush her teeth, wash her face, and tie up her hair.

She looked at herself once more in the mirror and gave herself a nod. It was time.

Theo was pulling a jumper over his head as Hermione stepped into the room. He turned to look at her as she wrung her hands together out of nervousness.

"I just need to brush my teeth, then we can talk," he said to her. Stepping over to his trunk he reached for his shaving kit and unzipped the bag. Pausing for a moment, a frown forming on his face. He reached in and grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste before walking into the loo to get cleaned up.

Hermione sat on the couch with her hands in her lap, waiting. Her mind running through the questions she needed to ask.

Susan puttered over to her, smiling. "Good morning Missy Hermione," the little elf said quietly. "Here's some toasts and tea and juice for yous and Mister Theo. If yous be wanting more, just ask and Susan will make it for you in a jiffy!"

"Thank you Susan," Hermione said quietly to the elf. "This should be perfect, I think."

The little elf gave a nod of her head before she returned to the kitchen.

Hermione grabbed a slice of toast from the tray and began spreading some raspberry jam. Her stomach growling as she took a bite.

Theo returned and placed his toothbrush and toothpaste back in his trunk before sitting down next to Hermione. Theo reached over and began pouring two glasses of juice.

"Did you want some tea as well?" he asked her quietly as he poured himself a cup.

"Please," she muttered as she took another bite of toast. Theo poured her a cup of tea, adding the milk and sugar just the way she liked.

The couple ate their breakfast in silence. Hermione sighed as she finished her glass of juice. She picked up her tea and sat back on the couch, taking a sip.

Theo set his mug down on the tray before looking down at his hands in his lap. "I know that it could very well be far too late…but I wanted to apologise to you for how I've treated you," his voice broke slightly. "I have lied to you and pushed you away when you were only trying to help me. I have kept secrets from you…a lot of secrets from you. And for that I am sorry."

Hermione didn't respond, instead she took another sip of her tea. Watching Theo closely.

"I will tell you anything you want to know. Anything at all. No more lies," Theo's eyes met hers. "I promise."

Hermione frowned. "How long?" she asked. "When did you first start drinking?"

"Fourth year," Theo told her. "I had my first taste of Firewhiskey in fourth year the day of the Yule Ball. The Slytherin common room was full of students openly drinking. A group of older students offered a bottle to me and some others. I took a drink directly from the bottle – and almost choked to death from the burn of the whiskey." He snorted. "I was a little tipsy at the Ball…along with everyone else."

"I wasn't," Hermione informed him.

Theo gave her a small smile. "You were one of the few."

"So…that was when everything started then?" Hermione asked him, worry in her eyes.

"No," said Theo, shaking his head. "I started drinking heavily the summer between our fourth and fifth year. Not all the time, but that was when it became a problem I suppose." He swallowed, uncomfortable. "Father was in and out of our manor that summer. He was carrying out orders from the Dark Lord – Voldemort, I think. " Theo shook his head. "He would come home covered in blood, scratches on his face from someone attempting to fight him off. It brought up memories from when I was a kid. Memories that I had of mum. Memories of other women." Theo shivered. "I had compartmentalised those memories, I think. Built up walls around them so I wouldn't have to deal with them. Seeing him in his Death Eater regalia covered in blood, sauntering around the manor shattered my walls. I didn't know how to cope. Drinking allowed me to forget."

"And that's when the binging started." A statement.

Theo nodded. "Not every day. But when I did drink I drank to forget." He sighed. "I drank off and on until this past summer. I did stop for a bit…I did, I swear. Then we all went to the Weasley's for dinner, and I had a couple of glasses of wine. And that's when the cravings started. Not wine…not really. Firewhiskey. The burn of it. The taste." He swallowed tightly. "I thought I could work through it. I thought I was stronger. I didn't really start drinking again until we got back to Hogwarts. Then I couldn't stop."

"Why did you lie to me?" Hermione placed her mug of tea down on the tray in front of her.

"I – I don't know," Theo admitted. "I wanted to be strong. I needed to be strong for you. I didn't want you to worry about me. I thought I could handle it myself. I was ashamed," he put his head in his hands and rubbed his face. "Then you questioned me; asked me if I had been drinking…and I lied. I said that I shared a shot with Pansy – which I did. But…I had been drinking almost every night before I went to bed. It kept my nightmares away. My memories."

"The Ball was more than just keeping your nightmares away though," Hermione said to him. She reached out a hand and held onto his. "A lot more."

Theo nodded in agreement. "I had begun drinking during the day. In between classes, before classes. After. The day of the Ball, the Slytherin common room was full of booze. I hid in my dorm and drank by myself. I hid in the toilets and drank the majority of the day." A pause, hesitance. "I bought three bottles of Firewhiskey when we went to Hogsmeade the week before. I drank a bottle and a half the day of the Ball alone," Theo confessed.

"And then someone spiked the punch."

Theo nodded. "And I drank some more."

Hermione squeezed his hand. "I knew you were drinking," she said quietly. "I've known for a while. Deep down."

Theo looked over at her, shocked.

"You're not as sneaky as you thought you were," she confessed. "I could smell it on you sometimes. Sometimes your eyes were glassy, dark." She sniffed and shook her head. "I was going to confront you about it during the break," Hermione gave him a sad smile. "I just didn't know how to. I didn't know what to say to you."

"I'm so sorry," Theo muttered, ashamed.

Hermione squeezed his hand, pulling herself close to Theo. She held him tightly as he wrapped his arms around her. She felt a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"Can I ask you something personal?" Hermione muttered into his chest.

"Of course. Anything." Another kiss on her head.

Her stomach was churning, but she needed to know. "The times we were…together. Were you drunk?"

She felt Theo tense. Her heart began to crack.

"Sometimes," he admitted. "Not every time."

"When?" Hermione choked out.

Theo shrugged. "Sometimes when we were working on our assignments. I was at least slightly buzzed most of the time. Not full-fledged drunk, but I had had some firewhiskey earlier in the day. It was still in my system."

Hermione watched as Theo hesitated even more. Her stomach was churning threateningly.

"Broom closet," Theo muttered quietly. "I was drunk then. More than just a buzz."

Hermione wrapped her arms around herself, pulling away from Theo. "I took advantage of you," she told Theo. Her eyes wide.

Theo shook his head. "No you didn't. At all. I wasn't drunk enough to have been unable to give consent, Hermione. I knew what I was doing. I knew what you were doing. I wanted it. Liked it."

Hermione nodded, the churning in her stomach was still threatening. "When did you begin drinking during the day?"

Theo frowned, trying to remember. "After our first Hogsmeade weekend. I had run out of Firewhiskey a few days before we went to Hogsmeade. When we went there, I got someone to pick me up a few bottles. I started drinking during the day after that." He paused, thinking. "I think maybe a week later."

Hermione swallowed, her throat tight. "Why?"

Theo looked at her with wide eyes. "Why?" He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"We're a couple, correct?" Hermione began.

Theo nodded. "Of course."

"What I am asking is why you didn't communicate with me. Your struggles. Your pain." A pause. "Isn't that what being a couple is about? Having each other's backs? Being each other's support system?" Hermione sighed. "I know you're hurting, Theo. But, you not trusting me enough to tell me that you are struggling has hurt me."

"I'm sorry," Theo murmured. His eyes on his hands in his lap.

"Does my meeting with a mind healer make me weak?"

Theo shook his head and frowned. "No…of course not."

"Does my telling you about my struggles make me weak?"

Theo shook his head again, seeing what Hermione was getting at. "No."

"Then why won't you tell me about yours?" She asked him softly.

Theo sighed. "I have a lot of shit in my head, Hermione. You don't want to see that. You don't need to know. It's not…good – any of it. My experiences. My memories."

Hermione reached her hand out to Theo's. Squeezing. "Would you be open to talking with someone else then?" She asked him. "A mind healer?" Theo gave her a nod of his head. "Maybe we can work our way up to you telling me things." She paused. "No rush. But when you're ready."

Theo nodded once more. "I can do that."

Hermione gave his hand another squeeze, which he returned. "How did you sleep last night?"

Theo grimaced. "I didn't really. Maybe a few hours."

"Is the couch uncomfortable?" she asked.

Theo snorted. "It's comfy…it's nothing to do with the couch. I just don't sleep well sometimes. My head started hurting again last night. That and I was thinking about a lot of things."

"Hungover still?" Hermione frowned. She thought it'd be out of his system by the end of the day.

Theo shook his head. "Withdrawal, I think. If I drink the headaches tend to go away."

Hermione hesitated. "Maybe there is a potion that can help a bit with that. Did you want to go out with me?" she asked him. "We can wander around Diagon Alley. I need to pick up some gifts for Harry and Ginny. Ron, too. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. You…if I can find something."

"Alright," Theo said quietly. "You don't have to get me anything, Hermione."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Of course I do." She stood up from the couch. "I'm going to get my coat and let dad know what's going on."

…

…

Hermione and Theo strolled through Diagon Alley hand in hand. She could begin to feel Theo's hands twitching in hers. Hands clammy. His withdrawal symptoms were getting more intense. She snuck a look at Theo as they stepped out of the cold and into the Apothecary.

A tinkling bell alerted the shopkeeper of their presence as they made their way towards the front counter. Regulus had informed both Hermione and Theo that the shop would have some 'ready-made' potions available for Theo if he needed it.

"Greetings," the middle aged wizard said from behind the counter.

"Hello," both Hermione and Theo said to him.

"I – we were wondering if you had any 'ready-made' potions available?" Hermione asked him quietly.

The man nodded. "Of course. What are you looking for specifically?"

Hermione turned slightly to look at Theo. Theo cleared his throat.

"Uh…something for tremors, headaches…and a fever," he swallowed uncomfortably.

"For a flu?" the wizard questioned. "Or because of drink?"

Theo looked up sharply at the man. "The second." A pause. "Please," he added on hastily.

The man gave a single nod of his head before he stepped away from the counter and into the back storeroom of the apothecary. Hermione and Theo waited at the counter, unsure how long it would take. The store was relatively empty, a lull due to the holiday season.

Moments later the man returned from the storeroom, a think paper bag in his hand. He placed the bag on the counter and pulled out a vial.

"This is pepper-up potion for the fever and headaches," he informed Theo. "There are a week's worth in here." He placed the vial back in the bag and pulled out another. "This here is a potion for your tremors. Again, there is a week's worth in the bag."

Theo nodded. "Thank you," he said quietly. He pulled out his coin purse to pay. "How much is it?" he asked, frowning.

The man shrugged and pursed his lips, watching Theo closely. "Fifty galleons."

Theo nodded and pulled out the appropriate galleons, counting carefully before handing them to the older wizard.

The man gave Theo and Hermione a nod and a smile. "It's a pleasure doing business with you. I'll have more of that next week, if you still need it then, Mr. Nott."

The couple left the Apothecary and stepped to the side, out of the way of the holiday shoppers. Theo rummaged through the bag for a moment before pulling out a vial of pepper-up potion.

Uncorking it, he guzzled it down. Grimacing at the foul taste. Shuddering as the potion got to work. He placed the empty vial back in the bag and pulled out the potion for his tremors. Hermione watched as he uncorked the vial before drinking it completely.

"Ugh…Merlin that's foul," Theo complained. He scrunched his eyes closed. His face frozen in a frown. He licked his lips, trying desperately to rid the taste of the potion. His eyes flickered open when Hermione snickered at his whining.

Hermione gave him a smile. "But are you feeling better?"

Theo slowly nodded. "Not one-hundred percent, but definitely manageable. I don't feel like complete rubbish, which is a plus."

"Good," she said to him with a small grin.

Hermione wrapped her arm in his and began to stroll along the cobblestone street taking in the sights and shops. They would take it day by day, she decided. She knew that today was probably one of the good days that he was having. She understood that withdrawal symptoms got worse before they got better. As long as he was willing to work at it, and as long as he was willing to try to get better, she would be right next to him supporting him.

She would have his back.