I know it's been a while and I'm really sorry. I had (have) some personal issues that kept (keep) me away from any form of creativity for a long while I'm afraid. I had the misfortune of going through a small psychosis and all the chaos that comes with it... so afterwards I didn't feel much for writing anymore. And honestly, since the number of reviewers had gone down considerably in the past few chapters, I figured you wouldn't really care much anyway.

BUT... then I got some lovely reviewers asking me to update and, not wanting to let any of you down, I decided to pick it up again. So, for those of you who reviewed: Thank you so, so, SO much, because truly, you guys are the only reason I decided to try again and I have to say I really enjoyed it.

Anyway. Enough about me and on with the story.

EPOV

Eric barged into the infirmary, heading straight to the IC.

His face was on thunder, he was sure of it, because for once he actually felt the exact amount of fury he always tried to put into his facial expressions for the sake of intimidation. The squealing doctors and nurses jumping out of his way only testified on his current success to achieve just that.

He was going to fucking kill her.

"Where is she?" He sneered to some poor quivering nurse, who quickly pointed his finger to a drawn curtain on the other side of the room.

Practically ripping the fabric aside, Eric came to an abrupt halt, because what he saw before him made no fucking sense at all. Jasper. At Keena's side. Holding her hand while his leg nervously bumped up and down. If Eric didn't know any better, he would actually think the boy might've been worried for her.

Worried. Jasper. About Keena.
Yeah, not fucking likely.

"You!" He hissed with venom, stalking up to the sandy-haired boy whose eyes turned wide in fear. He was probably already imagining his death – and rightly so. "What the fuck did you do to her?!"

Within the matter of seconds, his hand was tightly wrapped around the lad's throat, sufficiently cutting him off all air-supply while simultaneously lifting him up in the air.

"Please." The transfer piped in a choked voice. "I didn't do a-" But the rest of his sentence was cut short when Eric slammed his head against the wall with brute force and pressed his hand even harder against his trachea.

"The hell you didn't." Eric hissed, bringing his forehead against his in attempt to intimidate the boy even further. It worked. Jasper started trashing around and even managed to hit Eric's shin a few times, but Eric couldn't even feel the pain. Instead, he evilly chuckled at the fear in Jasper's eyes.

The boy looked as if he was about to shit himself.

Good. It brought Eric peace to see someone suffer at his hands. It always did. There was something weirdly comforting about inflicting physical pain when experiencing mental despair yourself. It was as if the mental pain could be transferred from his own to someone else's body.

It might not be a pretty quality, but Eric couldn't say he really cared. Not right this second anyway. Somehow, Jasper had been the last straw. When Tori had knocked on his door not even 10 minutes ago to tell him about some accident involving her, Eric had prided himself for keeping his cool. Not one fiber in his body had betrayed the anxiety he'd been experiencing. He had disinterestedly asked Tori what was going on and even managed throwing in a little annoyed sigh as if the entire happening was nothing short of a minor - yet bothersome - inconvenience to him.

After Tori told him she only knew the girl to be unconscious – though for what reason and for how long she did not know – Eric had casually walked back into his bedroom and took his sweet time changing into a more decent outfit before making his way back over to his friend at the door. Hell, he even took the time to lock the door behind him on his way out to convince Tori that he truly couldn't be bothered by the whole ordeal. Except he did. And although he put up quite the performance, he realized Tori wasn't fooled.

Flashback

Tori watched him through scrutinizing eyes as he casually took out his key. She didn't say anything but the little shake of her head was enough for Eric to realize she wasn't buying his act.

Eric wasn't stupid: He knew Tori had had her suspicions of Eric's feelings for Keena way before he himself recognized them for what they were. And while Eric had, long since, come to the same conclusion Tori had somehow ages ago, it sure as hell didn't mean he had suddenly turned into some soppy housewife who loved to gossip and giggle about his love over tea. Finishing his attentions on the lock, he turned towards his friends, his eyes narrowing in on her in a silent warning not to call him out on his bluff.

There was just no fucking way he would ever admit to having feelings for her out loud. Not anymore. He'd tried expressing it to the girl of his affection once before and look where that got him... Shooed out of her life with the parting words of 'we're not capable of love' and 'we're not lovable'. Now, Eric wasn't one to wallow in self-pity, but those words stung. Even for him, someone who had actively put in the effort to convince the entirety of Dauntless he was some emotionless monster.

Luckily for him – and probably more for her – Tori gave up on the staring contest with a deep sigh. "Fine, pretend you don't care." She rolled her eyes. "Let's just check up on her, shall we?"

Holding the eye contact for a few seconds longer, Eric slowly turned before starting to walk in direction of the infirmary. They walked in silence, Tori passing sideway glances in his direction while Eric stuck by his unfazed façade, taking special care to put some leisurely air into his steps, as if he wasn't the least bit in a hurry.

"Should I wake up Four too?" Tori asked him eventually, breaking the silence.

"It's protocol." Eric quipped, and he was glad to note the uninterested tone in his voice, as if he didn't care either way.

"I just thought you might want a moment to –"

"Four is her trainer. It's protocol to get him, so go fucking get him. I'll meet you two at the infirmary." Tori snorted but made no further commend as they parted ways. As soon as Tori was out of sight, Eric movements sped up to a fast and calculated sprint.

He just hoped Zeke wasn't on shift tonight to witness it.

End of flashback

The sound of a garbage bin kicking over made Eric snap back to the present. His hand was still tightly wrapped around Jasper's throat, but the boy by now saw slightly blue in his struggle for air. Jasper's fingers pried uselessly at Eric's fingers in an attempt to loosen his grip from around his neck, while Jasper's legs were kicking into thin air, struggling to get a hold on anything – preferably the ground.

Eric didn't know how long he had been standing in that same fashion – a pale looking Jasper raised in the air while Eric's fingers painfully pressed into the soft flesh of his neck, intending to leave bruises – when eventually he heard the doors behind him open followed by the immediate swearing of Four.

"For fucks sake, Eric." Four growled, although Eric also heard a somewhat amused chuckle coming from Tori. "Let him go."

When Eric didn't listen, Tori intervened. "The boy didn't do a thing, Eric. He was the one carrying her to the infirmary."

"Like hell he didn't." Eric spat. "He threw a knife at her once. In a fighting combat."

Tori's eyes flashed to Jasper with a renewed interest as she recalled the incident that had left half of Dauntless in a fuzz. A slow wicked grin crept on her face as soon as she refocused her gaze on Eric again. No doubt she was celebrating his lack of decorum. Bugger.

"Nonetheless. Let him go." Tori repeated, although this time, it seemed more like an uninterested sort of advice: as if she couldn't care less what happened either way.

She probably didn't.

"Eric…" Four tried to warn in an as stern voice as he could muster. It was pointless really. Everyone knew Four wouldn't jump in either way, regardless of Jasper dying or not. Wussy.

Still, Eric let go of Jasper and turned around to face Tori and Four, not caring in the least that the boy in question dropped to the floor with a loud thump. Eric knew his own strengths, there would be a solid bruise coloring his neck for the next couple of days – hopefully even weeks. "Explain." He ordered from Tori.

"I came across him in the Pitt, a little under an hour ago." Tori started explaining while her eyes trailed over the boy who was currently laying behind Eric on the floor, being particularly pesky and dramatic with his obnoxiously loud gasps for air.

Eric kicked backwards once, and by the feel of it, hit Jasper full in the abdomen, which naturally made the kid gasp and grunt out again. Though this time in pain.

"Breathe less annoyingly." Eric ordered maliciously. "Or I'll make sure you won't breathe at all."

That shut him up pretty quickly.
Plus it earned him a nasty glare from Four. Fun.

Tori went on unbothered, if not slightly more amused. "Since he's a transfer, I asked him what he was doing in the Pitt in the middle of the night and he told me he was looking for someone. He seemed genuinely worried, Eric, and not even fifteen minutes later he came rushing through the Pitt again, on his way to the infirmary with the Amity in his arms. I'm telling you, he didn't do a thing."

"That's true." Jasper sputtered from behind, finally making his way onto his feet again although heavily leaning on the wall. "She's telling the truth. I didn't do –"

Eric spun around and pressed his palm against the boy's forehead, pushing him back down to the floor.

"Eric." Came Four's useless protest again, both knowing he still wouldn't do shit. Not really.

"Nobody asked you anything, Erudite." Eric snarled. "But since you're so talkative. If not you, who is responsible?"

"I'm pretty sure she is." Jasper snorted unamused. "Take a look at her first, before you ask any more questions."

Although it wasn't smart to talk back to a leader like that, especially when said leader was Eric, Eric had to hand it to him: For someone who'd just been cut off from all air supply, the boy was praiseworthily confident. Brave, one could even argue… Or perhaps it was the lack of oxygen that made him slightly delusional.

"Leave or I kill you." Eric threatened in a low dangerous voice, making Jasper gulp before scurrying away. Not that Eric noticed his discomfort. His eyes were glued to the lifeless form in the bed.

Soft blonde curls framed her face prettily, but unlike other times, it now looked strangely misplaced. The warm flush on her cheeks missed, making her skin look more pale than ivory and the fact that Eric now saw her with her eyes closed – for the first time since that night after her first fight with Jasper – did nothing to evade the eeriness about it. She looked like the perfect porcelain doll.

Pretty, small, fragile and lifeless.

Nothing spoke of that burning passion she normally possessed. Her eyes were locked away, refusing to give a glimpse of her intelligence and personality. Eric had to look away, not able to handle the feelings boiling up in him when he looked at her in this state.

"She doesn't look hurt in a… traditional way." Tori stated, wonder clear in her voice. "There are no signs of a struggle. No bruises, cuts, broken bones, swellings or any other trauma."

"Was there any physical injury found?" Four asked a passing nurse as he stepped closer to Keena, tentatively touching her hand. Never before had Eric want to snarl and bark as much as he did then.

"No. No trauma found." The nurse shook his head. "Nothing new anyway. We're just waiting on the lab to process some test-results but if nothing comes out of it we have to reach out to Erudite."

The nurse rushed passed them quickly then, happy to avoid further exposure to the intimidating gazes of his ruthless Dauntless leader and two other high-ranked members. As soon as the nurse was out of sight, they all focussed their attention on Keena again, before suddenly understanding dawned onto Eric.

"Fuck." He breathed, gaining the attention of the other two in the room.

No. Oh, hell no!
She better fucking didn't.

KPOV
FEAR-LANDSCAPE #1

There are two sides to every coin.

Without sorrow, joy cannot be felt.
Without ignorance, wisdom cannot be gained.
Without darkness, light cannot be seen.
And without madness, sanity cannot exist.

Two sides to every coin… and yet, that was not entirely true.

For weeks now, Keena had been living on the lateral of the coin, spinning in endless circles while patiently waiting for the coin to drop. It didn't even matter anymore what side she would end up: Heads or tails. Madness or sanity. It was all the same to her. She was just so freaking exhausted from the little space in between that tossed and turned her upside down, gradually wearing her down until eventually nothing would be left.

Worn out, forever undecided.

That's why she took the serums. It had taken her a while to find someone who could provide her with truth-serum, but her persistence paid off eventually. And now, she was in familiar territory again: It started just like all the other times she entered her fear-landscape: Darkness surrounded her and swallowed her up into oblivion when suddenly a dozen of eager hands appeared in front of her. Hands that would grope, choke and squeeze her.

Four told her once that fear-landscapes wouldn't per definition define fears in the most obvious ways and indeed, in this fear Keena was not so much afraid of being touched as much as she was of the physical helplessness it represented.

Having been through this fear many times in the past two months, Keena by now knew the best way to get through it quickest: First she needed to relax completely, which was a hard thing to do while a dozen unwanted hands roamed freely over her body.

It was as if she was giving her silent permission to the assault, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. It was just that her first choice, fighting, simply wasn't an option. The hands weren't attached to a bodies she could kick, hit or bite. She could try and struggle the hands off of her, but for what purpose? What was she to gain? Clarity of mind? A guilt-free experience to her own assault while inevitably exhausting herself? No, the smartest thing for her to do was to save up her energy and wait it out until the man initiating this fear would present himself.

He'd come. He always did. And thus, Keena tried to relax herself and gave herself over to the disgusting feeling of dozen groping hands.

When the man finally appeared – Menno, was his name - she took her revenge. Keena fought him with all her bottled up strength, disgust and burning hatred. Oh, and hating him she did. With her new dauntless muscles, there was no doubt that Keena would, in reality, be stronger than this horror of a man, but for some reason her fear-landscape never allowed her to fight him off before his disgusting body part had entered her.

This wasn't reality after all.

So, for the past two months, Keena had been reliving her rape over and over and over again. What was worse? It was more vividly than ever. Growing up, she'd always had nightmares about it and she spend many nights watching the same scene she was experiencing right now in her dreams. But that's just it. Seeing something in your dreams or actually reliving it in a fear-landscape were two entirely different things. It was different caliber altogether. In here, Keena did not only remember images of it but she could actually smell him. Feel him. Hear him. She was suffocated by the heavy odor of his sweat and cologne mingled together. She was sickened by his touches as he kissed and licked and groped her. But worst of all, she was absolutely nauseated by the sound of him panting as he zipped open his trousers, only to drop them to the floor soon afterwards, and then… the moans that followed when he violently split her open, not caring at all for the complete dryness on her part.

It made her feel sick to the stomach, hopeless, disgusted and incredibly dirty. And even worse, she felt guilty. Guilty for something she had no control over. Not one bit. And yet she blamed herself for all of it.

That was the hardest part actually. The self-loath that came with it. Keena prided herself on being fairly intelligent. She could think rationally and didn't let herself be guided by dramatics or indecent emotions – taking after her mother after all, she supposed – but even if her conscious screamed innocence, the small voice in the back of her mind kept telling her she was the one to be blamed.

And for the first time in years, the voice was right. It was her fault.

Of course, not the first time. Not when it all had truly happened to her in real life all those years ago. She was but a child back then, her rationality could easily render her seven-year-old self guilt-free. But now, experiencing it all over again in her fear-landscape – and it therefor being nothing but her own imagination – it was completely her own fault.

If only she wouldn't be so affected by it anymore.

Alas, she had had enough opportunity to dwell on that in the past couple of weeks. Right now she needed to focus. When she was little she might've feared the teacher who raped her, but looking at his image now, he didn't look all that tall, strong or masculine as she remembered him to be, and although he was still quite a bit taller than her, he seemed scrawny all together.

Keena sucked in air as he entered her. Doing her best not to let the pain and nausea suffocate her, she let him loose himself enough for him to loosen his grip on her throat before she fought him off with practiced ease. She bashed her head against his hard, while simultaneously kicking his shin full power. Stammering backwards a bit, he slid out of her, giving her more room to continue her kicks, aiming for his knees that had him fall to the ground with a loud cry. As she continued to beat and kick him, as if hurting him would cleanse her from his touch, he tried to hurry out the room. Crawling taking some of her hits, he reached for the door and pushed it slightly open, but Keena was quicker. Bashing his head in with the door maybe four or five times, he eventually fell to the ground unconscious. Breathing heavily as she stood over him, she looked mesmerized at the stream of light coming from the other room, before moving towards it, stepping through the door into her next fear.

EPOV

"It appears your suspicions were right, Mr. Coulter." Dr. Montgomery told them as she walked back into the waiting room, typing furiously onto the tablet in her hands.

When Keena's situation had turned out to be too complex for the Dauntless nurses to solve – after all they were only trained for visible trauma – they had reached out to Erudite with the request for an emergency doctor: hence Dr. Montgomery.

"Miss Hyde has injected herself with large amounts of fear serum–"

Eric's stomach seemingly filled itself with heavy stones and all he could think was how fucking furious he was at her stupidity. He was so fucking raging mad at her, that he wanted to shake her awake only to beat her unconscious again himself.

Fuck!

"– But I'm afraid that's not all of it. She also engulfed an equally large amount of truth serum orally. It's quite the interesting case, I have to say. I doubt it has ever been done before, even during the experimentation phase back in Erudite with the serums were developed. I will carefully monitor and–"

"Nobody cares, doc." Tori snapped. It was no secret that she hated doctors in general, especially those of Erudite, but even for Tori, this was particularly blunt. She was probably just tired, seeing it was 5 in the morning. "Just be what you are brainwashed – I mean programed – to be: useful and factual."

Even in his current state of slight distress, Eric couldn't help but snort at her aggressive tone. But of course, ever the peacemaker, Four, felt the need to jump in and Eric didn't even try to resist to roll his eyes.

Although, granted, in this particular case, Four's tactic was probably better.

"What my friend meant to say –" Four started, and at this Tori simply raised her eyebrow. They weren't on bad terms or anything, but to say they were friends was also quite the overstatement. "–is that we would like to know what is going on with Miss Hyde."

Dr. Montgomery continued her glare at Tori a second longer before sighing and focusing her attention on Four.

"Well, she all but overdosed on fear-serum, Mr. Eaton. We can expect seizures or a possible cardiac arrest as a response to her fears, but other than that she should be fine."

Other than that she should be fine?! She was talking about heart attacks for Christ's sake!

"That doesn't sound particularly comforting." Four spoke for him.

"The facility here is well-equipped, the staff fairly educated – albeit not as good as at Erudite of course – and naturally I'll be staying here to monitor everything." The Erudite went on, practically glowing with excitement.

"Naturally." Tori repeated with a snort. "To make her your own little teacher's pet project."

The doctor continued undisturbed, as if she hadn't even noticed Tori's snarl. "The infusion will take care of the hydration but since she was not connected with the computer program beforehand, we cannot get her out of her unconscious state manually now. She will have to overcome her fears herself to get out."

"What if she can't?" The words left Eric's lips before he realized it but noticing the eye roll Four threw his way, Eric figured that his real reasons for asking remained undetected. Not counting Tori's snort, of course.

"She's stronger than you like to believe, Eric." Four snapped angrily, causing Tori to make some strange strangled sound that probably was something between a chuckle and a snort.

"Doubt it." She muttered under her breath after having coughed the sound away ungracefully. It earned her glares from both Eric and Four, although from either man for entirely different reasons.

Dr. Montgomery ignored Four and Tori and simply answered Eric's question. "In that case she will stay unconscious until the serum has worked out completely, which would be, give or take, 72 hours. If she doesn't die first, that is. Now, if you will excuse me." And without so much as another word, the pinpoint lady swiftly turned around, walking back to wherever she came from.

Eric reoccupied his chair next to Tori in the waiting room, who, despite her though act and teasing demeanor, solely stayed for his support, whether she cared to admit that or not. Tori despised the infirmary with a vehement hatred, perhaps even more than Eric himself did… and yet, she'd been right here next to him for the past two hours, sitting in the chair as if it was perfectly logical for her to be there, even if she had no obligation to be there at all.

Not as the leader overseeing the initiates.
Not as the transfer trainer.
Nor with any other connection to Keena as a relative, friend or otherwise.

Eric hadn't know what to think of it. It had been entirely unnecessary that she stayed and yet every time he was about to tell her to go home, the words just didn't seem to come out of his mouth. Maybe – just maybe – he had been slightly glad that someone other than himself knew he wasn't there out of pure obligation alone, but out of – Lord, help him – worry too.

Perhaps, for once in his life, Eric was glad that someone didn't think of him as a total emotionless bastard. Very unlike Four was probably thinking right this moment.

"48 hours?" Tori yawned, standing up. "Well, guys, it's been fun. Good luck with your little Amity, I'm off to bed." And with one last encouraging nod at Eric, she left the infirmary leaving both men to sit in silence.

As seconds turned into minutes, and minutes into half an hour, Eric wanted nothing more than to be alone with her. He was still angry – and how – but he also just felt the immense urge to take her hand and whisper for her to be strong and wake up, as if his mere presence might bring her back… But he couldn't very well do so with Four watching his every move.

And thus, he waited.
And waited.
And waited.

He waited for Four to call it a night too.
He waited for Keena to miraculously wake up from her fear landscape and tell him she was alright.
He waited for anything to happen that would allow him to touch her, hold her, talk to her.

Words could only calm him down so much, and so far Montgomery's spoken words of 'seizure', 'cardiac arrest' and 'die' hadn't particularly put his worries to rest. He just needed to fucking do something. Anything.

"You can go home too, you know." Four muttered eventually, making Eric snap out of his thoughts. "I know you want to."

Eric resisted the urge to laugh in a malicious kind of way. Four had always been particularly daft, but it was not as if Eric was in the position to admit he wanted to stay. Apart from losing his very much feared reputation, what good enough reason did he actually have?

'I want to stay because I used to fuck her, although granted, she doesn't even want me anymore?'
'I want to stay because somehow she's the only person I might actually love, even if she told me I'm not capable of it?'

Neither options sounded very tempting. Besides, if Alijah was already threatening to tell Max about their unprofessional relationship, imagine the spectacle Four might come up with. At least Alijah was still his oldest friend, whereas Four hated literally everything Eric stood for.

If given the chance, Four would make sure to announce Eric and Keena's little love affair - or whatever he wanted to call it – in such a way that would make Eric the bad guy and Keena the poor abused initiate without a choice. Things would be formulated in such a way that Eric's abilities to oversee initiation – or perhaps even lead in general – would be called into question, as well as his integrity. Rape and sexual abuse didn't know any punishments by law in Dauntless, but if made public knowledge you would be publicly shunned for it. It didn't even matter that it had all been consensual, Four would find a way to get Eric away from Keena ánd have the added bonus of calling his leadership into question…

Moreover, Dauntless members would start asking questions regarding the fairness of Keena's high ranking. Despite what anyone else might think once their 'affair' came to light, Eric had never let his personal feelings dictate the ranking of initiates. Hell, if anything, Eric probably only ever started liking Keena because she was such an outstanding transfer. Not that the Dauntless would take his word for it though.

And thus, with gritted teeth, Eric stood up and made his way out of the infirmary.