Chapter thirty-four: Explicit trust

My head aches dreadfully, I groan as I try to open my eyes. "Tammy?" My eyes flutter open at the sound of Sherlock's voice. His eyes are blazing with concern and I detect anger in his eyes as well.

"What…happened?" I ask as I struggle to sit up. "Sherlock…there was a-

"Burglar." He interrupts me, glancing up. "Lestrade has him under arrest. He didn't get anything of value."

I look around and then jump up. "The children!" The room swayed and I reached for Sherlock. "What's going on."

"He hit you on the head; you're going to feel a bit dizzy." Sherlock steadied me. "They're fine Tammy, they were with Mrs. Hudson." He rolls his eyes. "Silly woman was reading them the story of Cinderella in her room. And Sherlock actually was interested in it!"

"More likely just the words." I exhale shakily. "Past their bedtime, but thank God for Mrs. Hudson!"

He shrugs. "I don't know about that, but I'm glad she had them."

"Tammy?" I spin around to see Greg entering the room. His eyes study me carefully. "Are you all right? Do you need a doctor?"

I shake my head. "No, he just hit me. I'm fine, honest."

"There's no sign of a concussion." Sherlock says quickly. "She's got a slight headache, but that is all inspector."

"I know you're concerned Sherlock, but you don't need to be rude." I respond softly as I turn towards Greg. "I've got Sherlock here; he's probably going to keep an eye on me all night. And he's right; I do only have a slight headache."

"Right." Greg steps forward and hugs me. "You get some sleep then."

I nod and pat his back. "Yes sir." He releases me and I turn to Sherlock. "Where are Sherlock and Linda now?"

He wraps his arm around my waist. "Sound asleep now. Fell asleep through all the noise."

I head towards their room. "I want to see them real quick. I won't disturb them."

"All right. I'm going to get you something for your head."

"Thank you." I push the door open and stand in the doorway, listen to them breathing heavily. I smile as I gaze at them from afar. I smile and carefully close the door, so I don't disturb them. I turn around, almost crashing into Sherlock. "So…where are we going?"

"We are going nowhere."

I groan. "Oh, Sherlock."

"I will listen to no argument from you. You got attacked, hit on the head," he licked his lips and swallowed. "and you're staying in this hotel room."

I pout. "Oh, can't you even tell me what we were going to be doing tonight?"

He shakes his head. "Why wish for something you can't have?" He reaches into his pocket and hands me a bottle of aspirin. "I'll get you a glass of water."

I shake my head. "Handcuffs, aspirin, what else do you have in your pockets?"

"A dozen other little knickknacks that I never leave the house without." I smile and glance around the room. I move towards the balcony and step outside. It's a beautiful night; there's a full moon and a slight nip in the air. I run my hands over my neck, cracking it as I look upwards. I begin humming, 'the moon's a harsh mistress' as I admire the moon. "Here." Sherlock says behind me, handing me my cup of water. "Drink this."

"Thank you." He hands me another pill and I frown. "What's this?"

"Something to help you, it works well with aspirin."

"Thank you, but my head doesn't really hurt, it's a dull ache. But, I shall please a worried man." I place the pills in my mouth and down the glass of water. As I set the cup aside, Sherlock begins to massage my shoulders. I moan in pleasure. "I like that."

He chuckles. "I seem to recall you telling me that once, a few years ago."

"Yes." I smile as I remember. "Our wedding night."

Sherlock's fingers travel downwards. "You were so scared." I hear a faint sadness in his voice. "I could practically see your heart pounding through your chest."

"You were so kind, patient and gentle with me." He kisses my neck and I close my eyes. "It was beautiful."

He kisses my neck again. "I was a little surprised that you liked things a little rough."

I tremble as he continues kissing my neck, concentrating on one spot in particular. "I am not a passionate person by nature Sherlock, you know that. You just… happened to find something deep inside me, and it surfaced. No one else can make me feel the way you do."

"No one?"

"No one."

"Not even Charles?"

"Not him, not even your own brother."

He groans in disgust. "What does Mycroft have to do with this?"

"You've been jealous of him."

"On a rare occasion. He's never actually had a time to spark anything in you."

"You were gone two years, remember?"

His hands stilled. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened between us, just something...unusual. I probably should have mentioned this before. It was the day I was going to give birth to Sherlock and Linda, I was in the library. Mycroft offered to massage my neck, because I was so stiff. I allowed him to do it." Sherlock's fingers tightened slightly on my neck. "And I just…teleported back to our wedding night. For a moment….I thought he was you. I actually called your name."

"You did?"

I nod as I turn around towards him. "Twice." I touch his face gently. "I missed you dreadfully."

Sherlock exhales and he looks downwards. "Tammy…. I really hate to say this to you but…I'm going to have to explain to you a new code."

He just really threw that one out there. My guard goes up just a little bit. "Ok, what code is this?"

"Reichenbach."

"Reichenbach?" I bite my lip; something tells me that code Reichenbach isn't a good one. "And what exactly is…code Reichenbach?"

Sherlock exhales. "It's like a red alert."

"This isn't going to be good is it?"

"It's not. It means…that you won't be seeing me for a time period. I can't come into contact with you at all during that time." My eyes widen slightly. "You cannot go down into my flat. You must stay up in yours with the children and do not go down to mine, at any time. I'm even going to do things…that I know, you will not approve of, things that will upset you."

My heart pauses. "Sherlock…you're scaring me."

He steps towards me, gently stroking my cheek. "I don't want to. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is scare you. Know this, that when we're under code Reichenbach, that whatever I do, I do it for you. Can you believe me?"

I bite my lip and turn away from him, rubbing my arms. I exhale deeply and look upwards. "I do. It just…drives me crazy not knowing."

He wraps his arms around my waist. "I'm sorry." He presses a kiss in the hollow of my neck. "I will hurt you and betray your love," I jump and he tightens his grip on me. "but in my heart, I will be ever faithful to you. I love you."

"You're not making sense to me Sherlock."

"I know." He continues placing open mouth kisses on my neck. "I feel like I've burnt a castle down without making sure the princess is safely away. You're going to hate me, and I hope that you can forgive me."

I tsk my tongue and roll my eyes. "That's the problem with me Sherlock." I turn around and face him. "I always forgive you, no matter what you do. But….I thank you, for being honest with me. When you're honest with me…I can trust you"

Sherlock's eyes study my face, probing me deeply. "You've got a large heart Tammy. You're too sweet, loving and forgiving for your own good. I don't deserve your devotion."

My eyes water. "Sherlock, you're going to make me cry."

"If I haven't made you cry, then you must be used to my abuse."

I shake my head. "You don't abuse me Sherlock."

"Not in the normal ways. I abuse you verbally and mentally, and I do that to you constantly."

"No."

"You're just so used to it that you can't see it for what it is."

"Sherlock," I ask. "what happened tonight? What did I miss out on?"

"Nothing."

"Something must have happened for you to be talking to me like this."

"Nothing happened; I just…had my eyes opened."

"Please, you don't verbally abuse me. Honest, most of the time, it comes across as funny. Very, rarely do you say something that really, really hurts me." He shakes his head in disagreement. "Sherlock, I asked you to identify the color of my underwear when we first met. If you hurt me, I'd let you know!"

"I hurt you with my fake suicide."

"I forgave you."

"I never asked you to forgive me."

"But you know I did."

"Sometimes, asking is a good thing." He exhales deeply and gets down on his knees. I stare down at him in astonishment as he places his hands on my waist. "Tammy, will you forgive me for all the pain I put you through? Can you forgive me for all those nights you cried and I wasn't there? Can you forgive me for not being there for Sherlock and Linda when they were born?" His voice breaks and tears flow down my cheeks as Sherlock pours out his heart to me. "Can you forgive me for just crashing back into your life and denying you all chances of happiness that you could have had? Can you forgive me for selfishly wanting you for myself, even though I place you and the children in danger? And now, I'm going ask you that you can try to forgive me for all the things that I am going to do."

By now the tears are streaming down my cheeks and I get down on my knees. "Yes Sherlock." Something, like peace enters his eyes at my words. "Yes, I can. I'm not sure…what you're going to ask me to forgive but….I shall honestly try."

Sherlock pulled me into his arms, kissing my head as he rocks me in his arms. "I love you so much."

I inhale. "You really are going to do something that I won't like."

His hands stiffen on my back. "How can you tell?"

"You keep saying you love me."

"Well I do love you. And you won't like it Tammy." He says hoarsely. "But it's something I must do."

I nod. "I believe you. So…when does code Reichenbach start?"

He exhales. "Tomorrow."

"That soon?" I shiver as I hold onto him tightly. "And how long will you be gone?"

"A few months."

I pull away and run my knuckles down his chin. "Then you better take me to bed then….Mr. Holmes."

He shakes his head. "No, you've had a very traumatic evening."

"I'm fine." I wrap my arm around his neck and lower myself onto the ground, pulling him down on top of me.

He shakes his head. "I don't think this a good idea." I arch my hips and he blinks. "Tammy, no."

"Come on." I bet him. "Please, give me something to keep me warm all the nights I won't have you nearby."

He kisses me as he pulls me up from the ground. "I will…Mrs. Holmes." He pulls me into his arms bridal style. "I shall be very careful with you."

"You don't need to be careful with me Sherlock. I trust you explicitly."