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Chapter 36 - Your Arms Feel Like Home

Eric

The spray of my shower can't wash away the absolute guilt and self-loathing I am feeling right now. Not even setting the thing to the hottest water can burn it away. Something is seriously fucking wrong with me. I knew it when I was letting that girl rub all over me. I knew it the moment I took her arm and dragged her off to her apartment. I knew it the entire time I was banging her from behind.

Something is wrong with me because not for a moment, not one single second of it, did I enjoy or even fucking want it. I hadn't the last time and I didn't this time either.

I felt like a bomb that was ready to explode but the only person with the codes was someone I couldn't have! I was pent up and trying not to explode on that same person and just fucking ruining it.

Halfway through, when her cries and squeals weren't doing anything other than annoying the hell out of me, I had made an attempt to continue. I clamped a hand over her mouth to shut her the hell up. It didn't work and if anything she got louder.

That had been the end of my attempt for me. I pulled away, pulled the condom off and tossed it in her trash on my way out while I was pulling my pants up. She had called out to me, doing a simpering pout. I barely got out I was done before I slammed her door behind me on the way out.

I felt like I was going to go crazy with how I was feeling. I had been oscillating between them all. Rage filled for so many reasons but none of them at Kat, just for her...and me. Feeling so fucking hurt that even a simple touch from me right now was enough to possibly cause her pain, hurt that she was hurting at all.

I say possibly because after the encounter in the dorm I wasn't sure that was still the case. I had come so fucking close to taking her right there. It had taken everything in me not to. It hadn't been just from seeing her in that towel, her skin pink and glistening from the shower. Or her bare legs, shapely calves and the cutest fucking feet I have ever seen. Or her hair all piled up on her head, exposing her neck and shoulders along with the swell of her breasts….fuck.

No, while all that had me harder than fucking steel beams, it had been her returning my heated gaze. The way she had started to challenge me when I demanded she change, by being seconds from just dropping her towel right there!

I almost walked out. Instead I faced a wall like some little kid serving time out. Thinking about it I was in a self imposed time out. I needed that time to get myself under control and not go there. She would let me too, even if she would writhe in pain during it. That would kill me, to be getting any kind of pleasure while she was hurting at all.

There at the end though, it was almost like there was no pain at my testing touches. Not with the way she sighed and melted into me.

All I wanted was to scoop her up, take her to my apartment and keep her there with me. Having had her in my arms all night, sleeping beside me, had been the best feeling in the world. Having her in my arms, her arm wrapped tightly around me, had felt like home.

Leaving her had felt like descending into the darkness I had been in up until she came into my life. So I did what I know to combat it. I went to the fights, did a few rounds and sent a little business to the clinic. Then I hit the bar at the Pit and as usual after fights the bar flies came calling. It was going through motions that had become old years ago.

With a sigh I shut off the shower, towel off and pull on some boxers then debate going to bed. Sleep is nowhere in sight for me. I knew what I was contemplating. It was a stupid fucking idea, dangerous and completely out of my control to stop. Because as I stand there staring at the bed where she had been this morning, all I want is her in it beside me again.

That can't happen. That much I at least do realize. But I can go to the dorm. I can wake her up. I can take her somewhere we won't be seen. Then I can just...fuck..hold her again. I will take that. Maybe if she is just near me again, maybe that will satisfy this gnawing hunger I have for her.

It doesn't take me long to throw on the right clothes. Thinking about where I want to go and something she mentioned at dinner tonight...other than her little comment about her boudoir...I grab one of my bags and throw some things in it. Then I go to the kitchen and grab a few things from there.

There is still a good amount of activity in the Pit. It is dying off though as those that actually give a shit about their duties have realized they need more than a few hours sleep to operate fully.

I feel like I am sneaking into her room and trying not to get caught by her parents as I slip in the dorm room door. There is a faint light that comes from the open bathroom area that puts out just enough to see by. I start to make my way over to her bed and am surprised and concerned when I see her not curled up in bed but sitting up with her knees at her chest and her head down. I can't tell if she is or not, but it sounds almost like she is crying softly.

I am already crouching beside the bed when her head jerks up and she looks over in my direction. She gives a soft gasp and then moves her hands over her face hurriedly with a swiping motion. She is about to start speaking so I shake my head and mime for her to be quiet. Her boots are right by the side and I see she is fully dressed.

Something happened and it sends chills of dread down my spine but I ignore them. I hand her the boots and the jacket that was hanging at the end of her bed. Then I signal for the door, that I will be there.

She takes the boots but tilts her head. She is hesitating and debating. It takes a minute but she nods and goes to start putting on her boots. I rise and move quickly to the door and stand outside of it. On the way out, looking to the other to make sure no one was awake or stirring to see me enter or exit.

It doesn't take her much longer to come out. Her hair is down but she has the hood of the jacket pulled over her head, obscuring her face. With a frown I look around, grab her hand and then pull her along to one of the hidden paths near the dorm room.

Neither of us speak as we take several really dark and winding paths. Paths that would confuse anyone that didn't know them so well. It had been kind of a hobby of mine when I first got here, to map out as much of the compound as I could and learn its secrets. There were some really deep dark places and I knew almost all of them. It had come in handy a time or two and I had a feeling it would again soon.

I had to hold her close as we walked. With it being so dark and the pathways in such a terrible state, it would have been easy for her to get hurt. I probably didn't have to have her as close to my side as I did, but as soon as she came near something in me eased while another part just needed more.

It was a novelty that there was someone, a female specifically, that was walking with me with so much fucking trust. Not only that but also seemed to just melt into me as if there was nowhere else she would rather be at that moment than with me.

We finally start to climb up the stairs to get to the roof I decided to take her to and I feel her curiosity from beside me. When we get to the roof, I open the door with the code and let her out first.

She tilts her head up and inhales deeply then looks back to me over her shoulder with a smile. I feel myself smiling back automatically and move further out, then close the door behind me. "This is more than a little out of the way, but it is more private."

She nods and her forehead wrinkles with a frown for a moment before she looks away and becomes hidden under that hood again.

I walk further onto the roof and to this partially bricked in place where old air conditioning units used to be set up. Those had long ago been removed so only the three walls with no roof, remain. She follows me over and I let the bag that I brought drop and motion for her to have a seat as I plop down myself.

There is a hesitation again, slight but there. I still can't see her face and I am tempted to tear the fucking hood off her head. I don't though, even when she comes to sit beside me, leaving a space between us and pulls her knees up to her chest again.

There is silence for a moment as I put my head back against the wall and try to collect myself. The thing I had done earlier weighing on me even more with the guilt now that I was next to her. Asking myself how I thought even for a second that anything I did with those women would compare to what just being next to Kat felt like.

She breaks the silence with a sigh that has a smile behind it. "It's beautiful out tonight. It's a full moon."

She trails off happily, her sound soft. I swallow and nod. "I thought you might like to see it. At dinner you had said something about being outside."

"I didn't think I would miss it so much. Thank you."

A breeze whips around us and I see her shiver a little. The three walls protect us for the most part but it is still cold out. Opening the bag, I pull out the thermal blanket I brought and the thermos along with two cups.

"I um, I brought a blanket for us." I look over to her and sigh, the pointed space feeling like miles. A rift of my own creating. "You can have it." I start to drape it over her but she stops me.

"We...we can share." She has finally pushed the hood down and is looking at me, her head tilted and some kind of question in her eyes. I think I also know why she has been hiding her face. Her eyes are puffy and red ringed. As if she has been crying.

I nod numbly, a frown wrinkling my forehead and prepare to ask just what had made her cry but something screams at me from the back of my mind to stop. Telling me that I really don't want to go there. I think I know what had her crying. I just don't fucking know how she would know.

Then she is scooting closer, slowly as if approaching a wild animal, testing if I am going to move away or tell her no.

Instead I reach out and pull her closer to my side then put the blanket over the both of us. She gives a sigh and wraps an arm around my waist. My body's reaction is instant but I push that down and refuse to let that control things.

"I didn't bring pillows or anything." I mutter as we scoot down but I prop the bag, that has another blanket in it, under our heads.

She gives a shrug into my side. "I have slept without pillows and on the ground before. Doesn't bother me much. Honestly the dorm beds are kind of luxurious compared to how I had been sleeping for the last few years.

I wonder if she can feel my growl and deep frown because she starts making these soothing gestures on my chest with her hand. "It was all by choice, Eric. Like I said that first day it was a sacrifice I made knowingly."

The growl dies and I sigh, still not liking the thought even if I understood. "What was living in Abnegation like? Like, day to day. What was a day for you like? What were the people like?"

I felt her smile curling her lips against my chest even through my shirt. I don't even know when it happened but we had scooted all the way down to lay on the ground itself. I used the bag as a pillow and pulled her to use me as hers.

"It wasn't bad just extremely boring. The day started with breakfast with my family. One of us would prepare it. Every meal we always took turns in preparing but Tris and I tried to do breakfast at least, instead of our parents. Dad probably wasn't supposed to, but he liked to leave early enough to walk Mom to the volunteer center and help her there before he headed out to the Hub. It was nice seeing that, their small gestures of affection and caring. Small things that made her day just a little better and she did the same thing for him too. I tried to take a lesson from that and even when I could be so annoyed or angry at Tris, I would try and do things like that for her." I stopped looking at the sky and was looking at her face.

Her expression was full of love and remembrance. It filled me with longing for a time when I had something similar with my parents. Before they were…

No, can't remember that right now. And that isn't something she is ready to hear yet either.

"Instead of physical displays of affection they communicated it in other ways. I get it." I get out softly.

"They weren't exactly afraid to show physical displays either. Nothing scandalous of course and no where near what you would see here. But they would hold hands, or Dad would kiss the top of our heads and brush our cheeks from time to time when he knew we were upset about something. Mom would hold us and stroke our hair when we were having difficult…" She stops and even in the light of the moon she blushes red. "...well when we weren't feeling well."

I try not to chuckle but smile at her and reach out to trail a hand down her hair. "It sounds like you had a loving home then. I know it had to be hard to leave them."

She sighs and closes her eyes, a shiver passing through her at my touch. I let my hand fall back, not wanting to push it and still watching for signs of pain from her. She opens her eyes and smiles at me.

"I miss them but it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. Everyday here it gets easier though because for the first time in my life…"

"You feel like you belong." I finish for her.

She nods with that smile still. "Like I can breathe for the first time, like I could fly even."

I grin at her and chuckle. "Dream of flying do you?"

"Like a bird...or should I say like a Dauntless." She smirks at me causing me to laugh outright.

"So you know about that? Have your friends taken you?" I ask with a raised eyebrow, more than half hoping she says they hadn't.

For some reason I want to be there when she goes for the first time. Fuck it, I want all of her firsts of anything. Only me. For as long as she will let me have them

There I fucking said it. I want her and only her and I don't see that changing at all. It is just getting worse and becoming a burning need.

She huffs and shakes her head, sending pleasure through me. "No. We knew about it but apparently it is all closed off and only certain people have access. Zeke is supposed to know about that but Uri didn't think his brother was going to agree to take us. He said something about it being saved as a initiation tradition."

'You mean Zeke follows at least one of the fucking rules? Hell must be freezing over." I mutter playfully. "Yeah it is usually an initiation tradition but I can make you a deal if you want."

She raises her head up and looks to me in question. "What would that be?"

I bite my lip in thought and worry. "Win your next and final fight and I will take you."

She starts to smile but then stops and hesitates. "I will go into it anyways planning to win but I am going to be realistic here. I am either facing Peter, Will or Edward. I can admit, I hope it is Edward. It was going to be a hard fight even before the attack, Eric."

I nod but my face goes hard, my leader face for a moment. "I have seen you when you are hurt and how you fight, kitten. You can let it fuel you or you can let it cloud you. I need you to let it fuel you. Remember our training sessions. I have seen you watching him too. It's just about putting it all together."

"I win, you take me. I will be holding you to that by the way." She says finally with a smile and lays her head back on my chest.

"I know you will. If you don't I am sure Chase and Zach will. I haven't gone zip-lining in forever." I answer with a shrug.

"Why? If I could I would be almost living up there."

I pause and think about that for a moment, how to answer her. "I loved it at first when I got here. But, becoming a leader and just dealing with things; I lost enjoyment of it and a lot of things."

I notice her breathing go off and her body tenses just the slightest amount. Thinking she is in the middle of one of those bursts of pain I frown and look at her. "Are you hurting right now? I brought...I brought some things for you if you need them."

She shakes her head, biting her lip. "No, honestly I am not hurting. It comes and goes, Eric, but what I was feeling before; that is much better."

Relief floods me and I feel my body relax until she takes a breath and moves to sit up, her back against the wall again. "Something else is happening though."

"What?" I ask slowly and worriedly as I sit up too.

She looks at her hands, her hair falling into her face and blocking my view of her. With a scowl and not another thought, I pull her to my lap. Making her give an 'eep' in surprise and wide eyes turning to me.

I could have just moved her hair but fuck it. I was already planning on spending the night out here with her and in my arms.

"What is happening, Kat?" I demand of her.

She swallows and holds my eyes. "It isn't anything bad and I am not in pain. I just noticed that, I have some kind of extra sensitivity to...to touch or anything touching me."

It take a moment for that to register and it has me trying to discreetly swallow. "So, what exactly does it do or feel like?"

A blush tinged her cheeks and she smiles a little. "I don't know exactly. I haven't explored it yet."

A groan leaves me before I can stop it. Gods she is killing me. I am going to have a heart attack at her hands. I just know it.

"Is that why you were up when I got to the dorm? Because of this new thing?" I ask when that thought hits me.

She pales and turns her head from me, looking up at the moon. "No. I couldn't sleep, had a bad dream."

I pull her chin back to face me. "You could have come to me you know? You didn't have to sit there in the dark alone."

For a second, tears fill her eyes and while she doesn't pull away she does look down. "I was going to...but...then I thought you might be too busy so I didn't."

Something is off in her tone. Or maybe it is just the guilt of knowing that had she gone looking for me I wouldn't have been there for her. The guilt of what exactly I was doing instead of there for her at that time hits me hard, making me want to break down and beg her forgiveness. I don't, instead I hold that inside and say nothing for a few seconds.

"I will never be too busy for you, kitten." I take a deep breath and stroke her cheek. "Nothing will be as important to me as being able to be there for you."

I get lost in those eyes as she looks at me, the unshed tears making them sparkle a little in the light of the moon. "I can't ask that of you, Eric. You have a life….you have…"

The thumb I was using to stroke her cheek goes to rest over her mouth, stopping her. "If I said it, I meant it. I don't do anything I don't want to do. You aren't asking me for this Kat, it is just the way it is."

She swallows and nods, while I stroke the thumb lightly against her lips. The debate coming up again to kiss her or not. I know once I do though it will be opening the floodgates and there would be nothing holding me back. I also know that if I go there with her, she herself won't hold back. I can barely handle her as it is right now and that is her not even fucking trying.

So with a sigh I move my thumb away from her mouth.

"Eric?" She calls as she wiggles a little on my lap, turning more towards me and has me swearing in my mind at the action.

"Yeah?" I say, strained.

"Can I...can I try something?"

Oh gods…

"Try what, kitten?" I can't even help the strained, wary tone of my voice.

"I want to...can I test the...sensitivity out?"

Yep, I am screwed here.

"Kitten, I don't think…"

Her face falls a little in defeat and hurt that stops me in my tracks. "Yeah. No I….I understand..."

"Yes." I huff out a little, stopping her. "I want you to." I assure her after she gives me a look saying that she doesn't want me to agree out of pity.

"Eric, are you sure?" Her voice is timid. The first time I have ever heard that tone with her. It reminds me just how innocent she is.

In that moment I make another promise to myself. No matter what I feel, it won't be on a roof or a hallway or anywhere else that I would have taken one of those fucking girls. Her first time for anything will be in a bed and treating her like she deserves. My raging fucking hard on be damned, I will have control.

"Yeah kitten, I am sure. I want you to feel comfortable enough to do that with me though." I reach out and run a hand through her hair.

A smile curls her lips up, while she flicks her tongue out to lick them briefly. In that one gesture, I know I am in for some serious tests to that new promise and control.