Author's Note: Hi everyone. Thanks for reading, reviewing, following, favoriting, following me on Tumblr, and/or just enjoying this story in general. I hope you like this chapter. Feel free to drop a review if you're so inclined.
Oh! If you like to know about songs beforehand so you can listen to them as they come up or before you read the story, they are "Beth" by Kiss, "Come What May" by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman, and "The Change" by Garth Brooks. The last one is the only one I would think some people may not be familiar with as the other two were done on Glee.
Enjoy!
Quinn and Rachel were already waiting in her living room Sunday afternoon when they heard the doorbell ring. Quinn had come over first thing after church, not even bothering to change out of her Sunday best. She knew it was probably stupid, knew that the baby- Beth, she thought, reminding herself of Rachel's admonition that Quinn tried to create emotional distance by never using the words that hurt her the most- Beth would never remember, but she wanted to look nice for her daughter. Rachel had taken one look at her (then a few more unsuccessfully discrete looks at her) and had gone back upstairs to change into something nicer. She'd said she didn't want to be outdone for meeting her… actually, they never could decide on what Beth was to Rachel. Sister? Step-sister? Shelby was Rachel's biological mother and Beth's adoptive mother. Were they even related? Personally, Quinn didn't like to think about it because it made her already inappropriate thoughts for Rachel feel even more wrong if she considered herself Rachel's step-mother/aunt/whatever. And she didn't want to feel wrong about anything today.
Quinn followed Rachel to the door, bracing herself. She hadn't seen her daughter in nine months. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this, but there was only one way to find out.
Rachel looked through the peephole then opened the door, revealing a nervous Puck. "Oh," Quinn let slip, frowning and turning around to go back to the couch.
"Nice to see you, too," Puck muttered. In his hands he carried a battered, though thoroughly cleaned, baby blanket. Quinn felt sure it was probably a present for Beth, then sort of hated herself for not thinking to bring something of her own to give to the girl.
"She doesn't mean it, Noah," Rachel said, opening the door to allow him in. "She's just nervous about seeing Beth again."
"Yeah, about that…" Puck trailed off. Without warning, he reached out and wrapped his arms around Rachel, lifting her up and into a hug. After a moment he let her down again. "Um… yeah. I just wanted to, y'know, thank you for setting that up. Quinn said you kinda blackmailed your mom into-"
"She's not my mom."
"Yeah, no, I mean…" Puck stuttered to a stop. "What?"
"Well, I mean, technically she's my biological mother," Rachel said, going back to sit on the couch with Quinn while Puck helped himself to a chair, "but she's not been any kind of parent to me."
"Sweetie, was that Shelby at the door?" Hiram asked, walking into the room from the kitchen.
"No, Dad," Rachel said, motioning towards Puck. "Just Noah."
"Hello, Noah." Hiram nodded towards the boy. "No going up to Rachel's room."
"What? No, sir, I wasn't even thinking about that," Noah said, looking from Hiram to Rachel and Quinn. "Promise."
"It's not even like that, Dad," Rachel said from the couch. "Besides, I'm dating Christy anyway."
"So hot," Puck mumbled thoughtlessly, causing three pair of eyes to turn and glare at him. He found himself suddenly shrinking back beneath their gazes. "Sorry, Mr. Berry."
Hiram sighed, shaking his head and went back into the kitchen.
"Moron," Quinn said, turning away from the mohawked idiot who was the reason she was here in the first place. Okay, no, that wasn't one hundred percent true. It was both their faults. They were both drunk and making stupid decisions, and he had apologized repeatedly for getting her pregnant when they lived together. She couldn't stay mad at him, not really.
Puck looked over at her like he'd been kicked, while Rachel looked between the two of them. "It's okay to be nervous," Rachel said, reaching out and taking Quinn's hand. Gently she played her fingers across the back of her hand, sending shivers up and down Quinn's spine. Quinn closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the couch.
After a minute, she said, "Sorry, Puck."
"It's cool," Puck said, shaking his head. Turning to Berry, he said, "Seriously, though, Jap, you have to show me how to do that whole relaxing a chick thing you just did to Q. You're like the 'girl whisperer' or something."
"Jap?" Quinn asked, raising her head to look at Rachel and Puck.
"J.A.P. Jewish American Princess," Rachel said, smiling. She leaned forward, reaching out and smacking Puck hard on the leg, causing him to wince. "And you can start by not referring to girls or women as 'chicks'. You have a daughter, Noah. You need to learn to be more respectful towards our gender. How are you going to feel in sixteen years when someone calls Beth a 'chick' or wants to 'bang' her? Hmm?"
Quinn watched with enjoyment for the moment Puck seemed to realize then that their daughter was an actual girl like all the ones at school he had screwed around with. It was that look of panic and nausea that washed through him that showed he was actually thinking about it.
"I'd kill someone," Puck said, shaking his head. "Damn. I just got how all those angry dads felt. Shit, I should probably go apologize to your dads or something, Rachel."
"Maybe later," Rachel said, sitting back now that she had proven her point. "And, anyway, I thought you had your way with the ladies enough as it was to not need any pointers from anyone else. Aren't you a 'sex shark'?" She couldn't say that last part without giggling and fell into Quinn's side with laughter. When Puck gave her that look of 'you told her?' Quinn started laughing, too.
"Sorry," Quinn said again while laughing. "But it's funny."
"I hate you both," Puck said, crossing his arms and sitting back in his chair.
"Aww…" Rachel said, standing from her spot on the couch. "Don't be like that, Noah." She went to go sit in his lap, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him. Quinn was jealous for a crazy moment before she remembered she didn't get to be jealous of people Rachel showed affection to. She had no claim.
"Rachel," Leroy said, deep voice rumbling as he passed through the living room. "We have plenty of seats in here without needing to sit on the boy's lap."
"I know, Daddy," Rachel said, arms still wrapped around Puck's neck. "But Noah is my friend and I was trying to make him feel better."
"Yes, but we don't want you making him feel too good."
"Daddy!" Rachel squealed. "Ewww! Noah's not going to do that!"
"Actually…" Puck drawled out, causing Rachel to hop off his lap with a shriek.
"Gross!" Rachel yelled, reaching around and smacking him hard on the arm.
"Ow, fuck, Berry. I was kidding," Puck said, rubbing his arm. Shooting a look over at Leroy, he added, "Sorry." Much like his husband, Leroy just sighed and shook his head, walking back into the kitchen.
Once Rachel was again on the couch beside Quinn, pouting this time, Puck looked over to Quinn. He was still rubbing where Rachel had smacked him. "Does she always hit that hard?"
"Stop being a baby," Quinn said, grinning when Rachel looked up at her.
"Do I really hit too hard?" Rachel asked, voice low like they were the only two there.
"It's fine," Quinn said just as softly, giving her that genuine smile that Quinn reserved just for her.
"If I'm hurting you, Quinn, I want you to tell me."
"What's a couple of bruises between friends?"
"Bruises?" Rachel asked, gasping and covering her mouth, looking scandalized. "Quinn, if I'm leaving bruises, I don't mean to. I just-"
"Stop," Quinn said, smiling at her and covering her mouth with a finger. "You're fine. Puck's just a baby. And I'm friends with Santana. If I didn't know how to take a slap sometimes, I'd have been dead by the end of freshman year."
"Still, I don't mean to leave bruises on you," Rachel said, climbing into Quinn's lap much like she had Puck's and wrapping her arms around her neck. Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist to secure her.
"Don't worry about it," Quinn said. "I figure you owe me from all the crap I've done to you."
"I don't owe you anything, Quinn," Rachel said. "I've forgiven you for all that. I just wish you would forgive yourself."
Quinn shook her head. "You said you were studying up on Catholicism, right?" Rachel nodded. "Then you should know that guilt and forgiveness are big tenets of that. I'm grateful for your forgiveness, but it'll still be a long time before I'm okay with everything I've done."
"Awww…" Leroy said again, passing through the living room. "You two are so cute together." This caused both of the girls to blush and Rachel to get off of Quinn's lap.
"Cute?" Puck asked, looking over to Leroy. "How come she gets warned away from me, but when it's Quinn it's 'cute'?"
"I don't think Quinn is ever going to get her pregnant," Leroy said, shrugging. "It's an unfair double standard, man, but she's our daughter so I'm cool with it."
After Leroy left again, Puck turned to Rachel. "So, hey. While you and Quinn were being all hot and fondling each other- Ow!"
Rachel leaned back again. She turned to Quinn and asked, "It's okay to leave bruises on him, right?"
"Absolutely," Quinn said. "Just don't hurt yourself." This earned her a grin from Rachel.
"Anyways," Puck said, rubbing his leg where Rachel had slapped him again. "As I was saying, you said you forgave her, and that made me think… I'm sorry, too, Rachel. For all the shit I've done to you over the years. The slushies and spitballs and everything. It wasn't cool, and I just feel like shit having done all that to you. Especially when you're here doing this for me and Quinn."
"Thank you for apologizing, Noah," Rachel said. "I accept your apology and forgive you. And while I'm glad that I can be doing something nice for you and Quinn, you're not the sole reason I'm setting up this meeting today. I never want Beth to have to go through everything I did and wonder if her birth parents loved her or not. It's not fair to her. Not when it's clear how much you two love her."
They sat around making small talk for a little while longer before the doorbell rang again. Rachel, Quinn, and Puck all looked at each other nervously, but it was Rachel who stood first, a look of 'let's get this over with' on her face. At the door, Rachel stood on her tiptoes to look through the door's peephole again then stepped back. Taking a deep breath, she put on her best show smile and opened the front door.
"Hello, Shelby," Rachel said, pulling the door open and allowing her to come in. The woman was loaded down with a purse over one shoulder, an overstuffed diaper bag over the other, and a baby carrier in her hand. From the carrier they could hear baby sounds, but it was covered because of the cold and they couldn't see inside it yet.
Leroy and Hiram came into the room, making eye contact with Rachel to see how she was doing as they greeted Shelby. Quinn wanted to do the same, to look over at Rachel, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from the baby carrier. Her daughter was in there. Her daughter she hadn't seen in nine months. Not since she had signed her life away like some kind of property. God, she was going to breakdown crying before the day was over, she just knew it. Hopefully she and Rachel could do it at different times at least so maybe they could comfort each other. She had to be there, to be strong, for Rachel.
"I'm just going to wait in the dining room," Rachel said, turning and walking away from the group. This actually did draw Quinn's attention away from the baby carrier, and she turned to look at Rachel who gave her a look and shrugged. Quinn let her go. She understood.
Shelby didn't. "Rachel, you don't have to-"
"No," Rachel said, turning to face Shelby. "I'm not in a place where I'm okay to meet my replacement. Maybe later. Right now, I'm going to be in there." She left without another word. It wasn't quite a storm out, but it was definitely an exclamation. They all stared after her. Hiram and Leroy, Quinn and Puck, Shelby.
"Should someone go check on her, or…?" Puck offered, surprisingly.
"No," Quinn said, shaking her head. "That wasn't actually Rachel being upset. Not really. That was her taking herself out of the situation so she doesn't ruin it. She was trying to do something nice." Quinn gave the group a sad smile and focused again on the baby carrier.
Shelby started to speak but thought better of it and likewise returned her attention to the baby carrier. "Okay," she said, pulling the top back and exposing the nine-month old to the rest of the group. Reaching in, she unstrapped and lifted the baby girl from the carrier. "Quinn, Noah." She motioned to the child in her arms. "Beth."
Quinn and Noah both were speechless as they stared at the girl. She was bundled in a knitted hat with a bow sewn on with a hooded woolen pink coat that was both fashionable and adorable. It was like a miniature version of something Shelby would wear herself. Sitting Beth on the couch momentarily, she removed the coat and hat, throwing them into the baby carrier. Under the coat, Beth wore a dark blue long sleeve dress with blue and white striped pants and little white sneakers.
"I'm just going to take these off, too," Shelby said, kneeling down and removing the shoes. "She hates wearing them, but it was so cold out that she couldn't just wear socks."
"It's better for them," Puck said. "It helps their muscles and stuff… develop… better…" Everyone was staring at him as he spoke, none more surprised than Quinn. When she arched a questioning eyebrow at him, he blushed and sheepishly admitted, "I, um… sometimes I check out this website about baby development."
There was a long awkward pause that no one knew what to do with until Shelby said, "I've read that, too, Noah. And you're exactly right. Going barefoot helps the muscles and tendons develop in their legs and feet better than by wearing shoes. That's why whenever she's at home she goes barefoot, but at daycare I send her with some nonslip socks. She has them on today, but sometimes she likes to take them off, so we'll see how that goes."
Reaching into the overflowing diaper bag, she pulled out some kind of ring game and a large plastic barrel that rattled as she moved it and set it on the couch. "I brought some of her toys to play with." Shaking the barrel in front of her caused the baby's eyes to finally move off of the strangers before her and focus on the barrel. She reached out two pudgy hands and gripped on to it, shaking it furiously. Shelby smiled down at her daughter.
"She's getting really good at crawling around, so make sure you keep an eye on her," Shelby said, glancing between Quinn and Puck who couldn't take their eyes off of her.
After a few moments of silence, Leroy said, "I don't think that's going to be problem with these two."
"No," Quinn said, finally looking up at Shelby. "She's so… she's…"
"Perfect," Shelby finished for her with a smile.
"Yeah."
They all looked fondly down at the girl, the center of attention for the room. Shelby reached into her bag and pulled out a stuffed animal, squatting and playing with Beth for a minute, letting her wrap her arms around the animal before she stood again. "Would one of you like to hold her?"
Shelby looked between Puck and Quinn a couple of times before Puck pushed Quinn slightly forward. "Go ahead."
Reaching down, Shelby scooped Beth off of the couch, and held her up, kissing her neck and causing the little girl to giggle. "Beth, sweetie," she said to her daughter. And, yes, it was hitting Quinn rather hard that this was Shelby's daughter and not hers. She knew, on some level, that she had helped bring this person into the world, but it was Shelby who was raising her, who was making her into an actual person.
With just the slightest hint of a babying voice, Shelby said, "Beth, this is Quinn. Can you say hi to Quinn?" Turning to Quinn, she said, "She's not actually talking yet, but she does babble a lot and is getting really close to saying 'mama', I think." Looking back at Beth, she said, "Are you going to be a good girl and let Quinn hold you? Yes you are, aren't you? Yes you are."
Shelby reached out and kind of thrust the baby into Quinn's hesitant arms. Immediately Quinn wrapped her arms around the darling girl, holding her. Beth looked up at Quinn for a moment, looked back at Shelby, then resumed playing with the stuffed animal in her hands, making sputtering baby noises as she did.
The baby… Beth… was so beautiful, so perfect there in her arms. It felt right. Again Quinn wondered if she had done the right thing in giving this perfect little person up. She could have been a mom. Could have been the one to dress her and feed her and love her unconditionally. Still, she had to have faith, had to trust in God. Beth was with Shelby for a reason. She had to be. And Quinn wasn't her mother. Shelby was.
"Q?" Puck asked, stepping up and putting an arm around her shoulders.
"I'm fine," she said, readjusting Beth so she could reach up and wipe the tears from her cheeks. "She's just so…"
"Yeah."
After a few minutes of Quinn and Noah just holding Beth and looking at her, Leroy and Hiram said they were going to go and get started on a late lunch for everyone and that it should be ready in about an hour. After they left the room, Shelby said that she was going to go and talk to Rachel now.
"Wait," Quinn said, catching up to Shelby as she was about to leave the room. Over on the couch Puck was playing with Beth's toys, making noises and voices for the animal blocks from the barrel while the girl looked on with a huge grin. "Shelby, I… I'm more thankful than you can possibly know for giving me a chance with Beth. We both are."
Shelby exchanged a smile with her. "I think, if anyone can understand, I can."
"Maybe," Quinn countered. Mentally, she was putting the walls back in place that seeing Beth had broken down. She appraised the woman in front of her. She was a lot like Rachel, or, really, Rachel was a lot like her. They had that same determination, that same strive. Shelby didn't have Rachel's heart, though, the heart she had gotten from Hiram and Leroy, and in a lot of ways it looked like Shelby was more like Quinn in that aspect. Probably just as ruthless when necessary. Quinn could respect that. But she also saw that same feeling for Rachel that Quinn had for Beth in this woman's eyes. She could respect that, too.
"You know," Quinn said, coldly casual. "This is the part where, if you were anyone else, I would warn you against hurting Rachel. If we were at school, I would probably threaten you, too. And I'd have no hesitation in carrying any of it out. I would ruin you personally, professionally, physically. Whatever I had to do." She took a deep breath, held it for a moment before letting it go. "I don't think I actually need to do any of that with you, though. If you care about Rachel even half as much as I do about Beth, you wouldn't think of hurting her. Not purposely, anyway."
"I wouldn't-"
"Except you already have," Quinn said. She turned to look at Puck and Beth on the couch again. He was holding her on his lap and whispering something to her, both of them wearing matching grins. Turning back to Shelby, she said, "So you need to make this up to Rachel. You need to make this right for her. Whatever contract you signed, whatever you or Leroy or Hiram might say, you and I both know the truth. Rachel's your daughter the same as Beth is mine. Nothing can take that bond away from us. So use it. Make this up to your daughter."
Shelby stared at Quinn for a minute, eyes narrowed as they faced each other. Finally, she said, "You love her, don't you?"
Quinn felt herself blanch. "I… I'm not gay."
"I didn't mean romantically," Shelby said, almost shrugging. "But you do care about her. Her safety, her well-being. Leroy and Hiram told me how you saved her life. How you've been protective of her ever since."
"Oh," Quinn said because she had never put it in those words before. "Then, yes, I love her."
Rachel sat at the table in the dining room, looking out into the backyard. Her family almost never used the dining room, choosing to take their meals at the cozier breakfast nook rather than in the openness of the dining room, but it did have a splendid view out into the backyard. All three Berrys had a favorite part of the backyard. For Rachel, it was the large sundeck where she liked to tan in the summer. Hiram had his flower garden where he planted roses or azaleas or tulips. Rachel had loved working out there with him when she was little and learning the different meanings of the flowers. What she was watching right now, though, was Leroy's favorite part of the backyard: his birds.
Over the years, he had put up different birdhouses and bird feeders. Even a hummingbird feeder outside their window at one point. Leroy's only real problem was squirrels. No matter what he did, they always seemed to figure out a way to get into his birdfeeders. It made him so mad that it was fun for Hiram and Rachel to watch him ranting about it.
Shelby cleared her throat from behind Rachel, and she turned to face the woman. Shelby looked like an older, taller version of herself. It wasn't hard to see where she got her looks from. Besides her nose, of course. That was all her dad's fault. Still, Brittany liked her "little potato nose", so it couldn't be all bad.
Shelby looked like the mom Rachel had always wished for. Stylish, sophisticated, New York. The cut of her coat she was currently taking off and hanging on a chair at the dining room table. The smokiness of her makeup. The hardness in her eyes, in her poise. Rachel wondered if she would get all of that if she lived in New York long enough. She wished she had all of that right now. That hardness, at least. Because right now, everything just hurt so badly.
"You wanted a chance to talk," Rachel said, keeping her arms crossed over her chest. "So talk."
"Okay," Shelby said, moving to come around the table to be near her. To her credit, at least Rachel didn't move away from her. "So… how are you doing?"
"I'm fine," Rachel said automatically. When Shelby looked at her doubtfully, she elaborated, saying, "Okay, I'm not fine, but I'm… coping."
"Are you happy?" Shelby shook her head like she couldn't believe she had asked the question. "I mean, that's probably a stupid question, but your fathers said you have friends now when you didn't before, and that you're closer to them. To Quinn. And that you're dating."
"I'm…" Rachel took a deep breath. She hadn't told many people this besides Dr. Richards, and she didn't know why she was telling Shelby now. "I have things that make me happy now, but… no." Rachel uncrossed her arms and casually traced the edges of the brace on her forearm. "I am learning to hate myself less, though, thanks to my therapy sessions, but… am I the happy, well-adjusted girl I pretended to be? No."
"Rachel, I'm so sorry for everyt-"
"Stop," Rachel said, holding up her good hand. As she did, the many colorful bracelets she wore fell down exposing the scar on her good wrist. Shelby's eyes fell to it automatically before Rachel could put her hand back down. "I don't… I don't want to hear your apologies. Not now." She crossed her arms again over her chest and turned to stare back out the large window into the yard.
There was a squirrel out there sitting in her daddy's bird feeder stuffing its fat little face. Leroy had tried so hard to keep them out, but they refused to be thwarted. It was admirable, that kind of persistence.
After a few moments of silence, Shelby said, "I don't know what you want me to say."
The anger started to build up in Rachel, and she took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm herself. Shelby didn't know what Rachel wanted to hear? Really? Was it that hard to understand? She'd abandoned her. She'd left her there when all she wanted was a mom. Why was that so hard for her to understand? She even had a child now. She should know that abandonment was wrong.
"How about you tell me why you didn't want to be my mother," Rachel said, rounding on Shelby. Her voice was louder than she meant it to be, but she tried to control it. "Why you gave me up. Why you didn't stick around!"
"There was a contract," Shelby said in what Rachel imagined were her soothing tones. Rachel wasn't feeling particularly soothed, though. It just made her more furious at the woman. "Your fathers paid me to leave after I had you. I never even got to hold-"
"NOT THEN!" Rachel screamed. She suddenly couldn't control the anger there. "Last year! When you put so much effort into finding me. You sent Jesse to deceive me. You had him plant a tape to get me to want to know you because it was so important. Then what? You couldn't even have a fucking dinner with me!" The tears that had begun to pool in Rachel's eyes finally started to run over.
"You couldn't spend the time to get to know me! You said… you said…" but the words wouldn't come and Rachel couldn't seem to catch her breath. She was just so fucking angry and hurt and this woman wasn't… she didn't even want her! Shelby move forward to wrap her arms around Rachel, an attempt to comfort her, but Rachel pushed her back, screaming, "DON'T TOUCH ME!"
"Rachel," Quinn said softly, appearing at her side like a vision. Her arms went around Rachel, taking her in and holding her as she started sobbing in earnest. They went to the floor where Quinn held her, tucking her into her side as she cried into the blue and white of Quinn's dress. She looked really pretty in it, Rachel thought offhandedly as she cried. They stayed that way for a few minutes as Shelby awkwardly looked on. It embarrassed Rachel, but there was nothing to be done about it. Sometimes, when Quinn held her like this, she felt like the blonde was all that was holding her together.
As Quinn shushed her and made vague promises that everything would be okay, Rachel could also tell she was making some kind of hand gestures behind her back. What she was telling who Rachel didn't know until her dads appeared on either side of her, one holding an antianxiety pill, the other holding a plastic cup full of water.
"Okay, pretty girl," Quinn said, pulling back and using the pads of her thumbs to wipe the tears coming down Rachel's cheeks. "Pill time." Before Rachel could protest, Quinn added, "You know the rule, Rach. Whenever you start screaming at people and sobbing uncontrollably, you get a pill."
"I know," Rachel glumly. "I just… I don't like how they make me feel afterwards. All… gray."
"I understand," Quinn said, taking the pill from Leroy and handing it to Rachel. After the pill was firmly held between the thumb and index finger of Rachel's braced hand, Quinn took the cup of water from Hiram and handed that to her as well. "It's better than the alternative, though, right? I mean, would you rather be screaming and crying or gray?"
Rachel placed the pill on her tongue, sipped the water, and swallowed the pill. Then she took two more long swallows of water from the cup, finishing most of it. "I'd rather be neither," she finally said, handing the cup up to Hiram. "I'm just… tired. I just want to be better."
"And you're getting there," Quinn said, smiling and rubbing Rachel's upper arms. "When was the last breakdown you had?"
"Friday night."
"Okay, yes, but," Quinn said, glancing past Rachel for a second towards Shelby, "same circumstances. What about before that?"
"Um…" Rachel bit her lip, thinking back. "First day back to school. When Missy had me slusheed."
"See," Quinn said. "And that's been almost two weeks. So that seems like improvement to me."
Rachel sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "I guess."
"Come on," Quinn said, standing and pulling Rachel up from the floor. "Bathroom break. Let's go get you cleaned up."
Quinn took her hand, pulling her out of the dining room, towards the hall, and into the bathroom. Rachel vaguely thought that this was the same bathroom she had tried to kill herself in. Well, not exactly the same. Her dads had done a complete makeover of the room before she had gotten home so she wouldn't have to be reminded so much of that night. Everything was new but the fixtures. New shower curtain, new trashcan, new toilet seat cover. Sometimes Rachel felt like that. Like people had put a new coat of paint on the same scarred surface.
"Rachel," Quinn called to her, bringing her thoughts back to the present. Putting her hands on her shoulders, Quinn looked into her eyes. "You are beautiful, amazing, and strong. You can do this. Not that you have to. It's absolutely your choice. If you want, we can get Shelby to leave right now. But, if it helps, I do believe in you."
"You've got to stop being so sweet," Rachel said, still sniffling as she bowed her head and let her forehead thump against Quinn's chest. "You're making it really hard to get over this crush."
"But I'm a cheerleader, Rach," Quinn said, and she could hear the smile in her voice. "It's what I do. And I'm serious. You really don't have to go back out there if you don't want to."
"No, I do," Rachel said, pulling back and looking up at Quinn. "If Shelby leaves now she'll take Beth with her, and that's not fair to you or Noah."
"Stop, okay." Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel and pulled her back into a hug. "Puck and I aren't important right now. You are. Don't worry about us. Be selfish right now. I know that's a foreign concept to you…" Quinn said sarcastically, eliciting a small chuckle from Rachel. "You're all that matters."
"I…" Rachel sighed, shaking her head. "It's hard."
"I can imagine," Quinn said, reaching down and taking her hands. She brought them up to her lips and kissed them, blushing a little. Rachel blushed as well. It seemed Quinn was constantly doing sweet things like this that bordered between friendship and… something more. "For strength… or something."
Rachel kept hold of Quinn's hand as she led them back out of the bathroom, through the hall, and back into the dining room. Shelby was standing with her purse over one shoulder, moving around like she was getting ready to leave.
"I'm sorry," Shelby said, looking between Rachel and Quinn on one side and Leroy and Hiram on the other. "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have-"
"Please don't go," Rachel said, letting go of Quinn's hand and moving towards Shelby. "Not again. Please stay. Even if we just sit here quietly. Just… please just give Quinn and Noah more time with Beth. Please."
Shelby looked unsure for a minute, looking to Leroy and Hiram for some kind of opinion one way or the other, but whatever it was she was looking for she didn't find it. She looked over at Quinn who masked her emotions in a move Rachel knew all too well.
Eventually, Shelby removed her purse again and set it back down on the counter. "Okay."
"Thank you."
Quinn made her way back towards the living room where Puck and Beth were playing while Hiram and Leroy went back into the kitchen. This left Rachel and Shelby standing there staring at everything but each other.
"So… Quinn," Shelby said, pulling out a chair from the table and sitting down. "You two seem to be close. She never made it seem that way during the whole adoption process."
"We weren't," Rachel said quietly, sitting diagonally from her. "She's actually kind of hated me most of the time I've known her. But she saved my life. She keeps saving my life, it seems like."
"I noticed," Shelby said. She was silent for a minute or two as they both stared out the window. "Would it have been better if I hadn't come back?"
Rachel turned to see Shelby staring at her, almost pleadingly. "I… I don't know," was all she was able to muster. This clearly wasn't the answer Shelby was looking for, and Rachel tried to clarify. "Quinn's right. I am getting better. Slowly. And maybe like a physical injury, this emotional overexertion has set me back some. I don't know how it works, honestly. But… I want to be glad that you're here. I want to be happy that you cared enough to come back and see how I was, but… I'm not."
They were quiet for another few minutes, listening to the sounds of Beth, Quinn, and Noah playing in the living room. Eventually Shelby broke the silence by saying, "I know you may not want to hear it, but I truly am sorry I hurt you."
"Thank you for apologizing," Rachel said. There was so much more she wanted to say, wanted to scream at this woman, but the medicine she had taken was blocking all of that. What she did manage to say was, "I just… I don't understand. When you left, you made it seem like you wanted a family. I guess I just assumed that I would be part of it. I didn't think I'd be replaced."
"Oh, honey, no," Shelby said. She reached out to take one of Rachel's hands that lay on the table, but Rachel withdrew them, placing them in her lap instead. Shelby looked hurt, but she likewise withdrew her own hands. "It wasn't about replacing you. I just felt like you were already this perfectly remarkable person with your dads and your talent and your friends, and… I didn't know how I fit into that picture. I wanted to be the piece that was missing from your life, but you already had this lovely life. I didn't think you needed me."
"I didn't need you," Rachel agreed. "You're right. But I wanted you. I wanted… I've always wanted to have a mom. Someone to talk about crushes at school or clothes or just… life. Do you know what it's like to have two gay men try to talk to you about your first period? Or bra shopping? Or how scared I was that someone at school- someone I knew- had gotten pregnant their first time having sex? Their answer to that conversation was 'don't have sex until you're ready to have a baby'."
Shelby actually laughed at that, startling Rachel. "I'm sorry," Shelby said, quickly trying to control her laughter. "I just… you reminded me of when I was pregnant. Your fathers were just as helpless then. They didn't know what to do with me. It was difficult not having my parents with me during that time, too, but they were rather against what I was doing. Helping two men have a child. To them, it was just unnatural."
"My biological grandparents are homophobic?" Rachel asked in a whisper.
"No, no," Shelby said, smiling. "They were just concerned. It was different back then. They didn't understand why I would want to have a child that I would never see. That would never be mine. They never met your fathers, so they didn't know how two men could raise a child. I got it, though. That's why I wanted to do this for them. To give them something- a part of myself- that would change their lives so much in just the best way. I was glad to give them you. It's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made."
"Oh." Rachel sat there thinking how familiar that sounded, how alike Shelby and Quinn made it seem. Like giving up a child was some noble sacrifice. To her, it just sounded lonely.
"Letting you go the second time was maybe the worst decision I've made," Shelby said. "I let my own doubts and fears get in the way of getting to know you. I'm… I'm something of a diva at times. Less now than when I was younger, but it's still there. I used to long to be the center of attention. When I saw that you weren't just overjoyed to see me, to have me back in your life, I guess it hurt that you didn't need me more. I let people talk me into walking away from you. I really am sorry."
"How…?" Rachel started, shaking her head. "If you really wanted to be in my life how could you let someone talk you out of it? Who could even do that?"
"My mother, ironically enough," Shelby said. "She told me that a teenager doesn't need yet another person in their life telling them what to do or who to be. She told me that trying to force my way into your life was selfish. That it wasn't because of you but because of me."
"How was it selfish?"
Shelby sighed, leaning forward. "A few years ago I found out I couldn't have any more children. There were some complications, a surgery, and then a doctor telling me that I would never have children again. You were all I would ever have. But when I finally told my mother that I had met you, she explained why it felt so wrong. That having a child, being a parent… it's about selflessness. What I was doing was selfish. Then when Will talked to me and said pretty much the same thing, that was all it took. I mean, not only my mother questioning my motives but someone that already knew you and had a relationship with you warning me that you could get hurt… I realized they were right. That I was doing it for me and not for you."
They sat in silence for a moment before Rachel asked, "Will?"
"Schuester," Shelby said. "Your Glee Club coach. He didn't tell you?"
"No."
"Oh," Shelby said. "Well he was right, anyway. They both were. I had no part in your life anymore. Or, at least I thought I didn't. That's why I wanted a fresh start. Someone that would love me unconditionally. But that was just me being selfish again. Hurting you again. I really am sorry, Rachel."
Rachel was quiet for a long time before she finally said, "I… I believe you. I may not forgive you, not yet anyway, but I believe you."
While Shelby and Rachel talked in the dining room, Quinn and Puck played with Beth in the living room. Quinn kept her eyes on Beth the entire time, but she kept an ear out for Rachel. The medicine she took should be keeping her from screaming or crying or whatever else might happen in there, but Quinn wasn't taking any chances. Rachel was her best friend, but also more. Her… what was it Brittany had said? Her 'complicated'.
She didn't love her. She couldn't. Not romantically at least. It… it wasn't allowed. But if there was some step between best friend and girlfriend- some step that didn't cross a very important line- Rachel was it. She was slowly starting to recognize that. What she felt for Rachel and what she felt for Santana or Brittany were two different things. Similar, but not the same.
"God, she's just so beautiful," Puck said beside her on the floor where they watched Beth as she crawled around.
"She is," Quinn said, smiling at the little girl and patting the soft golden curls on top of her head. She looked so much like Quinn had when she was that age. The cute little girl she'd been before she gained all the weight and her hair darkened. The only difference was she was slightly darker thanks to Puck's complexion, and she had his nose. It was like the best of both of them, plus something that was uniquely Beth. "So beautiful."
After another half hour, though, the beautiful little angel started turning into a cranky little monster. She slapped the toys out of their hands, tried to crawl away from them, and even started pouting and whining like she was going to start full out crying any second. Puck picked Beth up, trying to rock her back and forth to calm her, but she wasn't having any of it.
Eventually Puck said, "What if we sing to her? It worked with those little demon children of Schuester's."
"Maybe," she said, taking Beth from him and bouncing her up and down. She looked towards the dining room where Rachel and Shelby were deep in conversation. She didn't really want to disturb them, and Beth wasn't full-on crying yet. "Did you bring your guitar?"
"It's out in the truck," he said, already moving towards the door.
Quinn nodded her head towards the door, telling him to go get it. Once he was out the door, she looked back down at Beth who had her head pressed into Quinn's chest and was whining inconsolably.
"Sh, baby, it's okay," Quinn said, bouncing her up and down. "It's fine. You're fine. Just a little tired. Come on. Don't cry." She did this for another minute until Puck came back in with his guitar.
Quinn went to sit down on the couch with Beth in her arms while Puck threw one leg up on the coffee table and balanced his guitar on it. This new thing already had Beth's attention, and she sat staring wide-eyed at it as he strummed a few chords to make sure it was tuned. After a couple more, Puck started singing.
"Beth I hear you calling,
But I can't come home right now.
Me and the boys are playing,
And We just can't find the sound.
Just a few more hours
I'll be right home to-"
Which is just how far he got before Beth started crying in earnest. He tried carrying on for a couple more lines, but her wailing just increased.
"My daughter doesn't like Kiss?" Puck asked himself, shaking his head once he'd finally stopped singing. "How is that even possible?"
"Not really the time, Puck," Quinn said through gritted teeth, standing again and bouncing the girl in her arms. She gave a sleepy kind of push into Quinn and stopped crying for the moment.
"Well I don't see you doing any better," he shot back at her.
"Fine." She blew hair out of her eyes and looked down at the little girl in her arms. She had no idea what to sing to her to get her to calm down or try to sleep or whatever it was she needed. The tired little baby in her arms squirmed and tried to get more comfortable. This was just so much more than Quinn ever thought she would be actually experiencing with the girl. She just wasn't prepared for doing this, for feeling this way. That was when the perfect song hit her.
"Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time"
Beth had stopped moving, transfixed by Quinn's voice. She shot Puck a smirk that had him ducking his head in embarrassment. She knew it wasn't much, though. He, like her, just wanted Beth to be happy more than they cared who had accomplished it.
"Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day"
Quinn happened to turn towards the dining room as she began the next verse and nearly stopped her singing. She wasn't expecting to have an audience, especially two such talented singers as Rachel and Shelby. Yet they both stood there with nearly identical smiles.
"Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste"
Quinn happened to glance up and catch Rachel's eye again for the next line.
"It all revolves around you"
Turning away and blushing slightly, she continued singing.
"And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars my collide
But I love you
Until the end of time"
Beth didn't really seem sleepy anymore as she just seemed transfixed by Quinn's voice, looking up at her smiling happily. Turning back to Shelby and Rachel, Quinn said, "She was being cranky so we thought we'd sing and try to get her to… I don't know. Calm down or take a nap or something."
"That was lovely," Shelby said. "You have a very charming voice."
"She really does," Rachel said absentmindedly, causing all eyes to go to her. Rachel blushed, turned her head, and coughed. "I mean, for someone occasionally sharp, of course."
"Of course," Quinn said, smirking.
Thankfully, Leroy came into the living room about that time and informed them that lunch was ready. They all moved into the dining room since there were so many of them. Hiram had even gone down into the basement while Leroy had been cooking and brought up Rachel's old highchair. Shelby went a little misty-eyed at that, another moment she had missed of Rachel's growing up, but Rachel had patted her hand and given her a sad smile. Quinn would have to ask her later what their conversation had been about.
Shelby ended up staying another couple of hours. After lunch, Rachel was even formally introduced to her sister. Rachel had been unprepared, saying that she didn't want to hurt Beth or accidentally drop her or anything. Shelby had ended up having to force the baby into her arms before she went to the bathroom. Apparently, Quinn found it hysterical.
Rachel went wide-eyed and held the baby at arm's length for a minute before Quinn came over. Much like Brittany had done with Babs, Quinn repositioned Beth in her arms, showing her the proper way to hold her and support her. Beth looked up at Rachel, went back to playing with the stuffed animal in her arms, then paused and looked back up at Rachel again like she was trying to figure out who this person was.
"It's probably because you look so much like Shelby," Quinn suggested, tapping at Beth's arm to play with her and get her attention. Noah was doing the same on the other side and grinning like an idiot. They both were. It was like they couldn't stop touching her. Rachel didn't get it at all.
"Maybe," she said nervously.
"Oh, I know," Noah suggested brightly. "You should sing something for her. She wasn't a big fan of me singing, but she loved Quinn. Maybe it's a girl thing. I can totally respect that. Pound it," he said to his daughter, curling her little hand up into a fist and gently bumping it with his.
Rachel bit her lip and looked down at the baby in her arms, then back to Quinn and Noah.
"Rachel, you don't have to," Quinn said. "It's fine."
Noah must have sensed something was off, too, because he added, "Yeah, totally. I just thought that it'd be cool, but you don't have to sing if you don't want, Jap. She seems pretty chill right now."
"No, I don't mind," Rachel said, bouncing Beth up and down gracelessly. For some reason Quinn seemed to love the idea that babies were something that Rachel was terrible at. It made her fight the giggles trying to escape just how uncomfortable Rachel looked holding her when it came so naturally to Quinn.
Rachel couldn't help it. She just didn't like babies all that much. They didn't really do anything, and they were a constant bombardment of gross smells and substances. Vomit, dirty diapers, snotty noses. And people just accepted it like it was totally natural for a baby to be doing these things, and, okay, it was, but she still didn't like it. Rachel liked clean and orderly and neat things. It was why she made sure to scoop Babs's litter box multiple times per day and had been giving her a bath once a week. Babies were dirty and nasty and she never knew if they were going to get something on her.
Rachel awkwardly handed the baby back to Quinn and Noah, glad to be rid of it. Her. Whatever. They went to sit on the couch and moved Beth between them so she was facing Rachel. Beth played with the stuffed animal in her hands, looking between that and Rachel standing in front of them. It wasn't long before she was transfixed by the short brunette, toy forgotten. It wasn't long before they all were.
"One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more
Go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one?
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm"
As Rachel got to the chorus, Shelby came in from wherever she had been hiding to give Rachel enough time to hold Beth. She stood in the doorway, marveling over the sight of one daughter serenading the other. It was beautiful to watch, not just because Beth was adorably staring up at Rachel, amazed by the power and emotion in Rachel's voice (as Shelby was, also), but for the fact that Rachel was singing a song about love and hope. She silently sent a 'thank you' to this Christy girl that must have inspired these feelings in her… until she noticed the way Rachel eyes glanced towards Quinn.
"And I hear them saying
You'll never change things
And no matter what you do
It's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me"
Leroy and Hiram stood in the opposite doorway, watching their daughter serenading the trio on the couch. Hiram was torn. Part of him wanted to cry because his daughter was singing a country song. He'd always thought of country music as the music of his oppressors. Something for hillbillies and rednecks which generally translated into homophobes and bigots. The other half of him literally was crying because his baby sounded wonderful. She was singing a song about not being changed by the hatred of the world, something the entire Berry clan considered a personal goal.
Leroy, less musically biased, just loved to hear his baby girl sing. He knew it made her happy despite the fact that she so often cried while singing emotional songs. And whatever made her happy made him happy.
"This heart
Still believes
That love and mercy still exist
While all the hatreds rage
And so many say
That love is all but pointless
In madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss
And I hear them saying
You'll never change things
And no matter what you do
It's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me"
Puck wasn't a fan of country. To him, this was just another type of music that he listened to Rachel sing and didn't know crap about. It was a long list. Pretty much everything he'd ever heard her sing. But like every other time she opened her mouth to sing, he fell a little more in love with her. It wasn't like the way he'd felt about Quinn or anything. It wasn't even about wanting to bang her (though he totally would). Just… it was like he was transported to somewhere else when she sang. Like he left his crappy little life in this crappy little town and was somewhere bigger and brighter. Somewhere better. She had a lot of flaws, but for the few minutes Rachel sang, she was perfect. And she made whoever listened to her feel like that, too.
"As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone
I hear them saying
You'll never change things
And no matter what you do
It's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me"
Quinn sat there with tears in her eyes that matched the tears in Rachel's. She was reminded of the last MySpace video Rachel had made. The video that had started her down this path. Rachel had been crying then, too, and, like today, it had made Quinn cry. The startling frankness of it, the way Rachel put her emotions out there on display for the world to see. It was the most beautiful, most brave thing that Quinn could imagine. She wished she had that kind of bravery. Maybe that was what was making her cry. The change that Rachel sang of was something Quinn had already experienced. Her family- along with the rest of the world- had already changed her. Made her less than she wanted to be. She spent more hours than she cared to admit despairing, and yet here was Rachel- very recently suicidal Rachel- singing of hope. Of strength.
"What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me"
The last notes of her voice echoed around the living room and left only silence in their wake. Beth, realizing the song was over, bounced up and down excitedly and grinned a huge grin up at Rachel. Quinn scooped the girl up and brought her over to Rachel who dabbed at her eyes.
"I told you she was your biggest fan," Quinn said, offering the little girl to Rachel who took her less reluctantly this time.
"Well clearly she has good tastes," Rachel said, chuckling. It was obvious Rachel was Beth's new favorite person from the way she clung onto her. Maybe babies weren't so bad… "She must get it from her mother."
"I…" Quinn, caught off guard, started to say something but stopped. Instead she just wrapped her arms around both girls and hugged them tightly.
After a few more songs, Noah giving Beth and Shelby his own baby blanket from when he was her age, and a ridiculous amount of pictures of all combinations of Rachel, Quinn, Beth, Noah, and Shelby, Shelby left. Beth wasn't happy about leaving all these people she'd just met (especially her new favorite singer, Rachel thought proudly), but Shelby told them that she would probably be asleep within a few minutes of the drive. They were spending another night in Akron with her mother before flying back to New York in the morning.
As a peace offering, and as a present for Beth, Rachel had rushed upstairs and burned them a couple of (okay, five) CDs of some of Rachel's favorite songs she had covered. She's also told Shelby they could watch her videos on MySpace anytime they wanted if that wasn't enough. Nearly all of her performances were on there, barring the last video she'd made. Rachel and Quinn had decided to take that one down not long after she'd come home from the hospital.
After Shelby left, Rachel went over to her dads. "I know the rule is no boys allowed in my room-"
"A rule you seem to continually break," Leroy interjected, grinning down at Rachel.
"Yes, well…" Rachel looked over her shoulder at Quinn and Noah who both seemed depressed now that Beth was gone. Who knew when they might see her again in person? Shelby, Noah, and Quinn had all traded contact information and had promised to stay in touch, to email regularly, possibly even to Skype if they felt they needed to see their daughter. Shelby had also said they could come visit if they wanted, possibly during their summer break. Still, anything could happen during that time. Rachel knew how hard it must be for them.
"What do you want, princess?" Hiram asked, bringing her attention back to them.
"I was hoping that, just this once, maybe we could get some leeway on that rule?" Rachel asked. "I thought I would invite Quinn and Noah up to my room for us to all watch a movie. I'm sure they need a distraction from seeing Beth, and I could certainly use one from seeing Shelby. It's been a somewhat emotional day for all of us."
"It has," Leroy said. He looked over to his husband for confirmation before saying, "You can go watch a movie. Invite them to stay for dinner, too. We'll order pizza unless you three want something else."
"Thanks, Daddy. Dad," Rachel said, hugging them both.
Rachel started to go but Hiram reached out, stopping her. "I know today wasn't easy for you, but you did a really nice thing for Noah and Quinn. And for Shelby and Beth. I just wanted to tell you how proud we are of you for that."
They hugged their daughter again before letting her go back to where Noah and Quinn were getting ready to leave.
"Hey," Rachel said, interrupting their conversation. "Um… I know you both probably have to go, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to stay and watch a movie. My dads also said that you could stay for dinner if you want. They're ordering pizza or whatever else we might like."
"I appreciate it, Rachel, but…" Quinn said, starting to refuse, but Rachel reached out, taking her hand.
"Please?" She put on her best doe-eyed, innocent, pleading face, causing Quinn to roll her eyes.
"Fine," she said, smiling. "But that face isn't fair."
Grinning now, Rachel turned to Noah. "Noah? And before you say anything, they said we could go upstairs and watch it. In my bed."
Noah smirked. His buttons were just as easy to press as Quinn's, they were just located in different places. Rachel wasn't sure when she had started getting this devious. Maybe being part of the Unholy Square was rubbing off on her. Now she just needed to make sure she used her powers for good.
Rachel led the way upstairs. They ended up watching Moulin Rouge because Rachel wanted to after hearing Quinn sing "Come What May". Puck had been against it until Rachel said that was where Quinn's song came from. She'd also added that Nicole Kidman was really hot and nearly naked.
About halfway through the movie, Rachel randomly blurted out, "I think if Santana doesn't get her act together, I'm going to marry Brittany."
From behind her, Quinn paused the movie, leaned forward and looked down at her, and asked what she and Noah were both probably thinking. "What?"
Rachel leaned her head back and locked eyes with Quinn. As they watched the movie, they had ended up sitting with Noah against the headboard, arm wrapped around Quinn, with Quinn leaning her head on his shoulder. Rachel was slouched between Quinn's legs, head resting on her stomach while Quinn absentmindedly played with Rachel's hair. It was the most relaxed and comfortable any of them had felt all day.
"Well, I like her family," Rachel said, shrugging. "Her parents are really nice and I'd have a built-in sister. Plus Brittany's really beautiful and I already kind of love her a little. I'm sure we could turn it into something more."
"That'd be really hot," Puck said dreamily. Then, "Ow!"
"Brittany would be lucky to get you, Rachel," Quinn said, rubbing her stinging hand against her dress. "But what brought on this idea, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I was thinking about Shelby, about… having a mom," Rachel admitted sheepishly. "I like Mrs. Pierce. She's really nice." Smiling, she added, "Plus, I mean, I kind of have a type. Blonde Cheerios who are taller than me…"
Quinn rolled her eyes, choosing to ignore her, but Puck said, "Christy's not blonde, though, Jap." Rachel watched as he looked at the way Rachel and Quinn were sitting, watched as he made the connection in his head. "Wait… are you two…?"
"No," Rachel said immediately. "I mean, I am. Quinn's not. If you're asking if we're attracted to each other, that is. Are you?"
Puck smirked hard. "Well, I was going to ask if you two were…" He trailed off as both Quinn and Rachel were suddenly glaring at him. "Uh, yeah, that's what I was going to ask."
"Then there you go," Rachel said, waving her hand. "Quinn's not gay- not for lack of my wishing it, anyway- but she is very huggable and more open-minded about me cuddling with her than I would have previously imagined, so that's why we're all sitting in my bed right now. And seeing as we now have a special bond, Noah, with my biological mother being the mother of your biological daughter, I can hopefully assume that whatever happens in the privacy of my house stays private."
"Absolutely, babe," Puck said almost solemnly. Then grinning, he added, "But if you two ever wanted to do more than cuddle… OW!"
"Beth" by Kiss
"Come What May" by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman
"The Change" by Garth Brooks
Author's Note #2: I'm putting this here at the end because I didn't want it to detract from this chapter. Please feel free to not even comment on this if you're leaving a review. I just wanted to talk for a second about something I've gotten another anon review on: the very first scene of them running.
Trust me, I understand that it was a shitty thing for Quinn to do. A suicidal girl doesn't need someone to basically trash talk her. I get it. You get it. Quinn, though, is a seventeen year old doing what she thinks is best. She saw that Rachel had a lot of anger and rage and hurt. Having gone through a similar thing (first with the pregnancy, then after giving up the baby), she also knew that Rachel needed an outlet. That kind of anger is like a poison. If you don't get rid of it, it'll only hurt you more. Since Rachel literally couldn't hit anything because of her wrists, Quinn gave her Santana as a target. But Rachel is far too nice to actually hate Santana by herself, so she told Santana to basically piss her off as much as she possibly could with a combination of physical exertion and mental/emotional triggering. And, hey, it got the job done. Was it smart or safe? No. But it worked.
I thought about for a long time of putting in a scene where Rachel is talking to her psychiatrist and tells him about the running/bullying thing and he basically tells her that it was a dangerous/stupid way to go about it. It never worked out where I could put that scene in, but if it makes you feel better, please feel free to consider it a deleted scene.
When I thought up the idea, I knew that it wasn't the best. I felt just as bad as Quinn, Brittany, and Santana did about doing that to Rachel. It's a hard thing to come up with an idea of doing physically exhaustive, anger-releasing work that doesn't involve hitting/throwing things. Rachel basically had her hands taken from her. Running- being pushed to run like she was- was the best I had. But Rachel hadn't been taking care of herself and doing her elliptical workouts in the morning for the past month or so (a common side effect of depression is to stop taking care of yourself, and for Rachel, part of that meant she stopped exercising). So she wasn't going to push herself. That's why someone else had to do it.
Okay, that's the end of my little rant-explanation-note. Please feel free to disregard any/all of this unless it gives you a better explanation of something that happened once in this story nearly twenty chapters ago. Please, PLEASE don't make whatever reviews you might leave about this. It's just something I felt I never did a sufficient job explaining in the past, and I wanted to make up for it. I believe I've now done so. Cheers! -DJ