Chapter 34
It took a little under an hour for the two men to find a taxi and to arrive in the neighborhood where Sam decided they were to dine. The Doctor, looking around for the machine he needed, grinned broadly at the sight of one just across the street from the Greek restaurant Sam had chosen. Going up to it, he surreptitiously pulled out his sonic screwdriver and, stepping closer, aimed it at the machine. The machine whirred slightly, moving much slower than the Doctor was used to. "1980s technology versus 2009... Incredible. Come on..." he murmured impatiently.
Sam looked around, trying to see if anyone was looking. His visage was that of a child who was sticking his hand in the cookie jar after his mother had told him 'no.'
"If you continue with that expression, people are going to know," the Gallifreyan berated, not turning from his work.
"What?" asked Sam, still on lookout.
"If you looked any guiltier, a judge would sentence you without a trial."
"I don't do this kind of thing. In fact... I think this is the first time." He paused. "Well, stealing from an ATM, that is."
The Doctor finished sonicing the ATM and waited for the money to dispense as he looked at Sam. "The Sundance Kid, you are not," he told him bluntly. "Besides, I'm not exactly stealing. After saving the world as many times as I did, I figure I have the right to use the local currency when necessary. And it's only two hundred dollars. It's not like I'm after the Royal Jewels or the Declaration of Independence. I already have the original draft of the latter, anyway... somewhere."
"You have a..." Sam shook his head. "I don't want to know."
"You don't want to know what?" the Gallifreyan questioned as he finally retrieved the dispensed bills and tucked them in his jacket pocket. Not getting a response, he shrugged and followed Sam to the restaurant. After a short wait, they were taken to their table. The alien took only a moment to look at the menu before making his order and then waited patiently for Sam to do the same. Before long, the meal arrived.
Sam looked around. "I love this place. Al and I used to come by here whenever we were in Chicago."
"Seems nice enough," the Doctor commented, raising his glass of wine to take a drink.
"They have the best spanakopita I've ever had."
"Spanakopita! I love spanakopita! Probably should have ordered that instead."
Sam took one of the small triangles of the filo wrapped treat. "Here," he said, offering it to the Time Lord.
"Thank you. Gentleman, you are." The latter dug into the pastry with relish. "Aw, brilliant! Not as good as Alex's, mind you. But very good, nonetheless."
"That must be something, being on a first name basis with some of the greatest leaders in our history."
"Sometimes. Found that most of the time they just wanted something from me."
Sam nodded. "That never changes."
The Doctor gave him a slight smile. "Anyway, thought of a place for your artifacts. We can just place them in that museum we were at before, trade them for the weapons they have on display."
"Won't they wonder where these things came from?"
"Of course, they will. But it's up to them to figure it out. It can be one of the great mysteries of the world, like the Bermuda Triangle or Spam."
Sam looked at the Time Lord. "Okay... so this mystery is okay... but the mystery of a video isn't? I really don't get you sometimes. You seem so... so... random."
"There's nothing random about it. The Egyptian artifacts aren't that unusual in comparison to the video. You look at a sarcophagus and instantly you know what it is and where it came from. Or at least what era it came from. That video... well... it's like leaving a piece of polyester cloth in the middle of 19th century England. They just didn't have polyester back then."
"True. But you said all those 'literary props' in the museum are actually sophisticated weapons. That's the point. Humans, not knowing what something is, usually find some way to explain something. A video like that? They probably would, at least in this time frame, say it was a hoax... like the alien autopsy or something."
"Which alien autopsy? The one in Roswell, New Mexico, or the one in London, England?"
"Huh?"
"You aren't talking about a space pig, are you?"
"Um. No... at least I don't think so..." He waved off the concept. "The point is humans will find some rational reason for just about any strange and bizarre thing. At least most of them do. There are a few that seem to see conspiracies and the like in just about everything."
"Exactly. And I don't want humanity to get any more funny little false notions in their heads. Bad enough that half your world thinks the whole Sycorax incident was a hoax."
"That would be fine if anyone actually believed them but they don't..." Sam started and then looked at the Doctor strangely. "What's the Sycorax incident?"
"That's right. You were leaping around through time at the time," he realized. "Christmas 2005. Great big Sycorax ship came in through the Earth's atmosphere and hovered over London after the Sycorax put everyone with A positive blood into an hypnotic spell. Everyone saw the ship but of course half the world's population thinks that UNIT was testing a new aircraft carrier. Or better yet, an asteroid made a flyby of the Earth, causing a reflection in the Thames River, which of course is completely impossible from a scientific standpoint unless you use a teleport of some kind."
Sam blinked at him. "I don't even want to know." He immediately began to eat his entree, pastitsio, in earnest.
"I lost my right hand on that ship," the Doctor commented, eating his own meal, revealing that he still possessed two hands. "In a sword fight."
"Uh huh," Sam commented, obviously not believing the Doctor on this one.
As the Doctor continued to tell his tale, the Imaging Chamber door opened.
"Of course, since I'd just regenerated, I grew another one." He pondered for a moment. "Wonder where my handy hand went."
"Oh... that's easy. I have it," Jack stated.
The Gallifreyan's head popped up at the statement, startled by this new information. "What would you want with a severed Time Lord hand?"
"Homing beacon. Sort of like GPS... only better."
"A Doctor detector?" The Time Lord blinked for a moment. "You've been looking for me for a while, I take it."
Sam's forehead creased. "He's not making this story up?" he asked Jack. Then his eyes narrowed. "Or are you just playing along?"
The Captain shook his head with a smile. "Nope. Not making it up. I can go get the hand and show it to you if you want."
"You have it at the project?"
"No, but I could have Gwen send a video feed to Ziggy and have her redirect it through the handlink. Then again, I think Gwen might find it a bit odd that I'd want her to video a severed hand." He paused. "Better ask Ianto to do it."
"You've really got his hand. That's just so... bizarre. Regenerated? Like a newt?"
"Oi! I'm not a newt!" the Doctor protested.
"Yeah... he got better," Jack said with a laugh.
The Time Lord gave him a wry grin.
"So what are you guys doing? Other than dinner, of course."
"Harry had the inn cleaned up by that UNIT group and they have the Dragon's body. The Doctor says we've got to get it back from them."
"So... you're going to UNIT Midwest America after you're finished?"
"You know about the American branches?" the Gallifreyan asked.
"Yeah... well... you know... when UNIT has something they don't want to bother with, they sometimes call my organization." He gave a slight grin. "They've developed some cleaning solutions that are rather good at getting nasty stuff off fabrics. Saved my overcoat once."
"You used UNIT's cleaning solution for your coat?"
"Well, I've had it a long time. It's quite literally irreplaceable," Jack explained. "I couldn't help it if the Norgtoho drooled all over it."
"How did a Norgtoho get close enough to drool on you?" the Doctor questioned with a frown. He looked uncomfortable for a moment. "Don't tell me you were burping a baby Norgtoho."
"No! Of course not. I'd explain further, but you'd just tell me to stop it again." He gave a wry grin. "But I can say that Norgtoho really knew how to dance."
The Doctor blinked, obviously considering Jack's words. "Norgtohos can't dance. They don't have legs." A moment later, his eyes widened with realization and he grimaced noticeably. "Oh... that's disgusting, Jack!"
'No... surprisingly, it wasn't."
"A Norgtoho? With those..." the Doctor started moving his hands as if trying to physically illustrate his words. Seeing that he was failing miserably, he shook his head. "How?"
"Figuring that out was half the fun."
There was a long pause of silence. "It's official. You have definitely gone further than I ever wanted to imagine. That's... that's... just... wrong!"
"Depends on what you're willing to accept. I can't help it if I don't have any sexual hang-ups."
"Oookkkay," Sam responded. "That's fascinating but let's go on to the plan."
Grateful for the change of subject - he was having a hard time getting the image of Jack and a Norgtoho together in a compromising position out of his head - the Doctor replied, "You mean to take care of Krazan..."
Sam nodded. "Have you ever moved a dead eight-foot Dragon?"
"Don't know about Dragons but I once went out with a seven foot giant," Jack commented with innuendo.
"Jack..." the Doctor exclaimed. "Stop it. Just stop it. You just do that to annoy me!"
"No, I don't. I'm just being m..." the ex-time agent answered.
"No, you're not. I traveled with you, remember. I know exactly what you are doing. It's because you like to poke me. Like when you streaked as a distraction. You could have done anything but you chose streaking! I'm tired of it, Jack. I want you to stop it now!" The Gallifreyan's eyes met Sam's concerned ones immediately. "And you call me incorrigible."
"Doctor..." Sam cautioned, looking around the restaurant and blushing that the patrons would reasonably think the Doctor was upset with him.
Jack rolled his eyes. "You were a hell of a lot more fun with big ears," he muttered. He tossed a "later" to the two men and left the Imaging Chamber.
"Right, then. Don't face up to the truth. I mean, really!" the Time Lord continued. "And they call me rude!"
"I never called you rude. I just called you incorrigible," Sam reminded. He again noticed the people looking at them. "Maybe we better leave," he prompted, scratching the side of his face uncomfortably.
The Doctor blinked at his words. "You don't want dessert?"
"No."
"Leave? Now?" Looking about, he realized that he had gained some unwanted attention. "Ah. Well..." His face flushed slightly. "Sorry," he told the patrons before leaning forward. "I think some restitution is probably in order as well." Digging into his pockets, he pulled out three bills and put them on the table. Going to the maitre d', he apologized softly for the disturbance before informing him to use the extra money left on the table, minus tip, to purchase the remaining patrons dessert. "If I can't have dessert, at least someone will," he pronounced.
As they walked out, Sam said soto voice, "Incorrigible."
"I heard that," the Doctor informed him in a sing-song tone, leading him down the sideway.
"If you've been around Jack so long, why get up with him now? I mean, Al used to do the same thing to me and..." He followed the Doctor to a taxi stand.
"...and you probably got upset with him."
Sam blinked. "Yeah... I guess. I mean it was annoying that every time there was a pretty girl he'd mention her pom poms or casabas or... well, you get the picture."
"Pom poms?" the Doctor questioned, blinking.
"Yeah... I think Al could hit every euphemism for women's breasts possible. He kept needling me because I wasn't inclined to the extent he was. He called me the 'prudent prince' but it wasn't that. I'm as interested as any other guy but my parents raised me to be respectful." They got into the first taxi that pulled up.
The Doctor gave the driver an address before continuing the conversation. "Never understood that particular fascination. Human mating rituals are so... different." Seeing the confusion on Sam's face, he explained, "Male fascination with mammary glands. After all, they're simply designed to produce lactose for nursing infants. What's sexually stimulating about that?"
"They're errogenous zones for humans. Both male and female actually, but more so for women. Still, a person doesn't need to objectify someone they find attractive." He sighed. "Although, when Al and I crossed mesons, at first I couldn't control my Al thoughts about women so I sort of understood where he was coming from after that." He grinned. "Gave me some insight on how to bait him and after that I could get him hook, line, and sinker. Sort of like Jack keeps doing to you only it seems to be having the opposite effect."
The Gallifreyan blinked as he thought about Sam's observation. "Yeah. Not sure where my being so upset with Jack just then came from. Didn't bother me in my previous incarnation. And I'm usually not so thin-skinned."
"Must be what he meant about big ears." Sam got a shrug of concession in response.
The two were silent for the rest of their journey, which took them past the borders of the city of Chicago and into the state of Indiana. It was another hour's drive into the state when the taxi finally pulled up to a large gated estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. Getting out of the taxi, the Doctor paid the driver and walked up to the gate. Pressing the call button on the intercom, he waited for a response.
A moment later, the speaker activated. "Please state your interest."
The Gallifreyan gave Sam a smug grin, clearly at ease with the situation. "Password buffalo oscar echo. Keyword TARDIS."
Immediately the gates opened and two British soldiers walked out of a spring house building not far onto the estate. Once they approached, they saluted, causing the Doctor to turn slightly away with a mixture of annoyance and embarrassment. The one who apparently held the higher rank greeted, "Welcome, sir, to UNIT American Midwest."
"That was fast," Sam stated, watching the immediate action. "They appear to think you're one of them."
"I am. Sort of. Told you I worked for UNIT once." The Time Lord gestured towards the soldiers. "Please, no saluting. Just need to speak with your commanding officer."
"Right, Sir. Follow me," the same solider responded, turning briskly to walk to the door of the estate. The second soldier paused to take up the rear.
"And drop the 'sir'," the Doctor told him as he got in step behind the soldier.
"You sure we're not in trouble or anything?" Sam questioned, feeling somewhat boxed in.
"Of course not. They love me in UNIT. Well... they did when I worked for them. They hadn't expanded to the United States just yet. Probably is a new base, considering it's 1987. The Colonel probably hasn't even met me yet in which case this would be the first time for him but not for me."
"So you know who we're going to see?"
"Colonel Kyle Pendergast," the Gallifreyan answered. "Met him a few years back. Well, I say a few years. I carried an umbrella then. A friend of mine introduced me to him at some sort of reception but Pendergast apparently already knew me."
"We're here, gentlemen." The soldier opened a door that lead to a large reception hall. "If you'll just wait here, the Colonel's adjutant will be with you." After the Doctor and Sam were inside, he shut the door.
"So, we just wait?"
"What do you suggest we do?" the Time Lord pointed out. "Won't be long. We'll just be escorted to see Kyle and then we can discuss what we came here for."
A few minutes later, the Doctor's words were fulfilled as they were lead into a large well appointed office. The Colonel behind the desk stood up extending his hand. "The Doctor. You're legendary at UNIT, Sir. I'm glad we've finally met."
"Kylie!" the Gallifreyan greeted, taking the hand and shaking it. "Good to see you. Need a favor."