You're going to notice a big change with this chapter as opposed to the last one if you've been following along chapter by chapter instead of reading everything all at once. You should notice that Cagalli is interacting with a girl named "Elle" instead of a girl named "Melanie". This is not an accident. Melanie has always been intended to be the young girl Kira meets on the Archangel. but I goofed on her name and called her "Melanie". Now, "Elle" is as she should be, and the preceding chapters in the FF version have been altered with the name "Elle" in place of the name "Melanie". I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion because of this.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Thank you for your replies and for reading as always.

Chapter Thirty-Six: Push It

I was surprised to hear the ship's engines firing when I woke up the next morning. In fact, it was the launching of the engines themselves that woke up me up. That and Elle noticing as I came to.

"Cagalli, we're moving." She was tugging at me. "We're moving, we're moving."

"We are?" That's when I heard the noise. We definitely were. And Miriallia was not here. She must have been already summoned to the bridge. Then why wasn't I woken up?

I stumbled out of the room to immediately see Mu La Flaga, just about to knock on the door. I felt kinda embarrassed for a moment to let him see me so disheveled, but I forced myself to ignore it. "Lieutenant-Commander, what's-"

"Slow down, princess!" La Flaga replied, looking kinda bemused. "You can take your time. We have an hour or so before you and I have to be ready to launch. I was just going to wake you up so you have enough time to shower and eat beforehand."

"Are you evergoing to stop . . . wait, we're going out into battle?"

"The battle plan's being decided upon. We'll stop the ship briefly in about forty-five minutes so Sahib Ashman and his personnel onboard can exit so they can lead the Desert Dawn forces. If you hurry you can make the officers' meeting. You are allowed to participate, remember, 'Ensign'," La Flaga said.

"Oh . . . sure. Yeah, I'll be there ASAP," I replied.

"Sounds good. Also, I would do something about that hair of yours. It looks like it needs to be cut," La Flaga said.

"I'll keep that in mind," I replied. "Like maybe after I don't die in the middle of the desert."

La Flaga sighed. "Yeah, I figured you'd say that. I'll see you in the meeting room." He turned and walked away.

I growled as I stomped to the mirror in my room. My hair couldn't be interfering that much, could it? Then again, it had been over a month since this whole ordeal began, and I hadn't trimmed one strand of it.

I stared at myself. Yeah, my hair was starting to get on the long side. Ever since my last attempt to grow my hair out in middle school (which still didn't stop the "boy" jokes, I should add), I've never let my hair get to my shoulder blades. But now . . . the tips were starting to touch my shoulders, even when I wasn't looking up. And my bangs were definitely starting to fall in front of my eyes.

The hair was going to start bothering me if I let it go much further than this. I didn't want to admit it but La Flaga was probably right about this.

Elle spoke up then. I had momentarily forgotten she was still in the room. She had heard everything. "Cagalli, you're going to fight again, aren't you?"

"It's what I have to do," I replied. "It's how I protect everyone and this ship."

Elle looked away from me. "I wish we were in Orb so you wouldn't have to do this anymore."

"I wish that too, Elle, but it can't be helped." It was really hard to act kind and stuff towards Elle. She was just a young girl, but offering her reassurance, while knowing that was a good possibility that what I was saying could turn out to be a lie, was just as difficult as pulling the trigger in battle. Perhaps even more so, after all of the killing I've had to do, as hard as it might be to believe.

"Are you going to cut your hair too?" Elle asked.

Totally unexpected question, but on the other hand La Flaga had brought that up too in front of her, so . . . "Probably after this battle, yeah. Nothing drastic, like probably I'll make it like the way it was right before the Heliopolis attack, but I need it to not interfere with me when I have my helmet on."

"Once we make it back home . . . when you and I see your mom and Dad . . . could you grow it long? So I know you won't be fighting again?" Elle asked.

Oh boy. I knew I was going to regret my answer. "Yeah, sure, I will."

"I want it really long. All the way down your back."

Knew it. "O-Okay."

"I think you would look pretty and then you wouldn't have to fight anymore so we'll all be happy," Elle said, with a small, hopeful smile. She closed her eyes, and I realized a small tear was coming from her eye. Damn it, so much hope.

And I could say no to this kid's face. Heck, I couldn't even keep myself from rubbing her face softly with the tip of my hand. "A-All right, Elle. I'll do that for you."

"Promise?"

Knew that was coming too. "Y-Yeah, sure. I . . . I'll grow it long, just for you. I promise."

"Thank you." Then she hugged me. "Thank you, Cagalli."

I knew my face was turning pink right then from embarrassment. Me, with hair that long? Even when I had experimented with growing my hair long it never had gone past my shoulders. And I had found that too much of a pain in the ass to care for, much less what Elle was asking for. What was I getting myself into? I just had to hope Elle would forget about it. It was such a tiny thing, and little kids don't have the longest attention spans. She would forget, wouldn't she?

At the same time, I knew why Elle had asked me this. What La Flaga had inadvertedly told her was that the longer my hair was, the more difficult it would be to fly. So if my hair was really long, like, say, down my back, maybe I couldn't fly at all. That's not how the world works, that's not how anything works, but Elle didn't understand that yet. To Elle, if I had long hair, that would mean peace.

I didn't want to take that away from her. I just plain couldn't.

The officer's room was understandably full, with Ashman, La Flaga, Murrue, and Badgiruel all inside. La Flaga gave me a curious look. "Well, at least you came in time to hear your role in this. What took you?"

I was promising Elle that I'm going to grow my hair out was probably not the answer he was looking for. I just said "I'm exhausted. I had a really long day yesterday."

"That's understandable," Murrue said, in a tone that suggested finality. "You were taken hostage yesterday, after all. I'd have to imagine you're not exactly thrilled about the prospect of fighting Waltfeld."

"No, I'm not. But it's something that has to be done," I replied.

"Glad to see you're willing to fight," Ashman said. "Many people would try to avoid battle at all cost in your position."

"I said, there's no other way. We need to win this battle or we're all dead or captured. If I don't fight, it just means Waltfeld has a much higher chance of victory. He has multiple GUNDAM machines after all."

"Actually, what we were going to discuss with you are the GUNDAMs," Ashman replied. "I sent a force up our left flank yesterday to scout it out for a possible escape route. It was mauled by the GUNDAM known as the Aegis."

Athrun. So he was definitely here at the front. "I assume you want me to engage him if he is involved in this battle as well, then."

"That's right," Badgiruel said. "The Aegis' ability to transform into a Mobile Armor lends it a strategic advantage over the other GUNDAM Mobile Suits. It doesn't need to adjust to desert settings because it can fly around like a Skygrasper or other Mobile Armors. Granted, this means it can't go into Mobile Suit mode without sinking into the sand dunes, but it can still cause catastrophic damage."

I had been on the receiving end of its Mobile Armor form in space. I had visions of Athrun ramming me and then using the Aegis' claws to imprison me and try to bring me back to ZAFT. I couldn't help but wonder if Athrun was going to try the same tactic. It had to be impossible, though. The Strike weighed nothing in space, but on Earth? Aegis surely couldn't have enough thrust to make the Strike budge, much less carry it.

Athrun's only shot was to destroy me, and I doubted he wanted to do that, especially after making sure I was going to live in the first place.

But then I was reminded of the other time Athrun had used the Aegis' Mobile Armor form on me. It had been to save me, as I was falling into the atmosphere. The Aegis was the only reason I was still alive, and now I'm being ordered to destroy it, and kill Athrun?

I couldn't show the deliberation inside my head. I couldn't. If I did, everyone else was going to wonder what's up. I had to be steely.

"I understand. My priority is to engage the Aegis, followed by any other GUNDAM Mobile Suits."

"Correct," Murrue said. "Of course, if the GUNDAMs do not engage, you are free to move as you like. Whatever it takes to make sure we can ram our way through Waltfeld's forces."

"What's the route we're taking?" I asked.

"There's a route by an abandoned factory," Ashman replied. "We're going to charge right through Waltfeld's forces and cut them into two pieces. It's the only way for us to have a chance of victory."

"It's a risky plan," I said. "We might outnumber Waltfeld but he has a lot more heavy equipment than we do. Everything is centered on the Archangelfor us, but . . ."

"He has three ships," Badgiruel replied. "The flagship is the Lesseps."

"Three against one, huh?" I asked.

La Flaga looked at me, raising an eyebrow. "Nothing different than space, princess."

"Please, for the love of God, don't call me 'princess'. At least not in the middle of an officer's meeting," I snapped.

Murrue and Badgiruel were giving La Flaga the evil eye and, for his part, he just scratched the back of his head and chuckled softly.

"You're underestimating my forces' capabilities," Ashman replied, ignoring the awkwardness from us. "We are highly mobile. As long as the Aegis and this 'Duel Assault Shroud' is kept away from us, we should be able to hold our own with, of course, the Archangel's support."

That still means you're reliant on us, Sahib Ashman. I knew better than to tell him that, though. I didsay "You're lucky we are still willing to help you after what some of your men tried to do to me."

"Cagalli," Murrue said, raising her hands. I wasn't going to let her stop me. Not this time.

"Your men kidnapped me, put me unconscious, hit me in the face and were incredibly close to murdering me and I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel. I demand an apology from you for what happened or your forces won't get any help from me. I can't stop Captain Ramius from helping you but I certainly won't."

It was as if I had thrown a visible layer of stress and terror over everyone. Badgiruel's face was turning purple, Murrue and La Flaga's eyes were widened, and Ashman's face just turned red.

Finally, Ashman spoke. "You are a very . . . outspoken young woman. But I understand your emotions. My men did kidnap you and I do apologize for that. But I won't apologize for having them in my unit. In this war, my war, I can't afford to waste time on background checks, I can only ensure that my recruits are capable of fighting."

I didn't want to accept that answer, but now that I had gotten my point out there, I knew I had to let it go. Especially with Badgiruel looking like her head was going to explode volcano-style. "I accept your apology then. Consider it lucky that your men didn't violate me. If they had, I would not help at all, no matter what my orders."

With that, I left the room. I knew Badgiruel was going to give me a serious tongue-lashing for it, but I didn't care. There was no way I was going to let Ashman get off the hook before the battle, just in case he wound up dying. It was a nice little reminder to him to keep better control of his forces, and how lucky he was that certain things didn't transpire.

Lastly, it told him that I was not some pawn he could move whenever he felt like it. I was my own being, and there were some things I could not tolerate.

And what happened the previous night was one of them.

"Wow," La Flaga said, almost casually, as we were in the pilot's room getting suited up. "Pretty strong words there, princess."

I really was getting sick of being called that. It was like La Flaga's personal nickname for me and I didn't find it flattering. It was marginally better than being called a "boy" but it seemed to suggest something entitled or prissy about me, and that implication was driving me crazy.

"I had to say it," I said, biting back any insult or angry remark that could have come instead. "Ashman and his people could be dead after this battle. He had to know how I felt. I wasn't going to let him walk away without knowing."

La Flaga sighed. "You could've blown the whole alliance," he said. "Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel especially was unhappy about it."

"She saw what happened first-hand when she came to rescue me," I said. "She's got no reason to be mad."

"Oh, Badgiruel is pissed about what happened to you. She doesn't like Desert Dawn very much, never did. But she's furious over your lack of tact. If Ashman was not as reasonable as he is, we could be in a situation where Dawn is as much an enemy as the Desert Tiger."

"I fail to see where Dawn regards us as allies on equal terms. They threatened to fight us if we did not help them," I replied. "We're effectively mercenaries cajoled into their service. I don't approve of that either."

La Flaga sighed. "I'm just saying, princess, more tact and thought of the consequences would be nice."

"Speak for yourself, calling me a 'princess' all the damn time," I replied.

La Flaga lightly chuckled. "You women are not letting me off easily, are you?"

I saw he had a kebab with him. "Going to eat that before we launch, I assume?"

"You can't go into battle on an empty stomach," La Flaga replied. "You need the energy. We've got just enough time for me to digest this before we go out there. Plus, I managed to get my hands on some yogurt sauce. Takes some of the kick off these local eats."

Yogurt sauce . . . why did La Flaga have to like yogurt sauce? He made me think of Waltfeld in that instance. In fact, La Flaga and Waltfeld were alike in a few ways, with their casual demeanors and friendly asides. And, I guess, they adored yogurt sauce on spicy food.

"Something wrong?" La Flaga asked as he stuffed about a quarter of the kebab into his mouth.

"General Waltfeld liked yogurt sauce on his kebabs as well," I replied.

"Oh." La Flaga chewed and swallowed. "I almost forgot that you met him personally. It's always more difficult to kill someone if you got to meet him face to face first. You know the guy, and you know that in the end one of you is going to have to die so the other can survive. I can't imagine it's easy for you."

"It's something I have to do," I replied. "It's something I accept. Waltfeld has to die, not just for my own survival, but everyone else's. If my friends and everyone else from Orb want to go home again, I need to make sure that Waltfeld is dead."

"And do you think the same of your old ZAFT boyfriend?" La Flaga asked me.

That was a much more difficult question to answer. And it had only gotten more difficult to think about considering Athrun had saved my life. I chose to brush it off. "What have I done this whole time but fight Athrun? There's no choice."

"Damn, you're cold," La Flaga chuckled as he continued eating.

"I am not cold! You think I honestly want to kill people I know?" I shouted at him. "Of course not! But I've killed a lot of people in space and in this desert to make sure we get to Orb and that's something I absolutely have to do!"

"I was just joking, princess," La Flaga said, looking befuddled.

"Stop calling me 'princess', jackass! What the hell do you mean by that, anyway?"

"You just called your superior officer 'jackass'," La Flaga replied, almost singsong.

The realization I had done so brought nothing but waves of embarrassment. If that had been Badgiruel I had been insulting, I could have been toast in an instant. She had no problems with brig time regarding me. She had already done so over me punching Lacus Clyne in the face.

"And I don't have to answer that either," La Flaga replied. "I know you're going through a lot right now, but you need to calm down and relax. You can't blow up over the smallest things. If you do, you're going to overdo something. And if that's on the battlefield, you could get killed."

"I'm having troubles relaxing right now. I think I might wind up having to kill my childhood friend in order for us to live," I replied. "He saved me, Lieutenant-Commander. I was plunging into the atmosphere and he sacrificed an easy ticket back into space and onboard a ship in order to make sure I lived. You have no idea how hard it is knowing that I'm going to have to kill him, but . . ."

I lost my train of thought for a second. I searched for the right words to say. Whatever could get close to the meaning I was striving for.

"I know I'm going to have to. Not unless he stops confronting me, stops trying to bring me over to his side, whatever. It's not going to happen. I'm bringing my friends and the civilians back home to Orb. And if I have to kill him, so be it."

Saying those words out loud hurt much more than I had expected. Killing Athrun? All I could think about was that long-haired boy in prep school who was my best friend. All of those experiences, all of the times playing together, even that kiss he gave me right after graduation . . . I was going to kill him? Especially after saving his life too?

I could tell, just by how quickly my eyes were watering, that if I did it, I would spend hours, maybe even days, crying over it. But I knew I would, too. There was a part of me just hard enough that told me that I could kill him.

I forced my tears down, and sniffed and coughed a couple of times to cover it up. "Look, I'm going to head out towards the Strike and speak to Kira. I want to know of any more surprises Kira could've put into that machine."

"That boy is a genius," La Flaga said. "I can only imagine what kind of programming he'd be capable of if he was a Coordinator like you."

"We'd be better off," I replied. "Then the Strike would be a one-person job, not two."

"Now that I think about it, what would you be doing, if you were the Natural and Kira was the Coordinator?" La Flaga asked.

Part of me wanted to think about it, but I knew that so close to the battle . . .

"There's no point in thinking about it. I have no idea what I'd be if I was a Natural with birth parents. Especially if I were in Kira's position, and if he was in mine. I can't imagine what it's like being Kira, the prince of Orb, with a father like Kira's who is so famous and so important. I mean, the only thing I can think of without babbling is that Kira and my adoptive parents have some similarities so maybe Kira wouldn't realize that he was adopted. I look absolutely nothing like my adoptive parents so I figured it out pretty early in my life . . . and I think it's better that way, anyway. I know that my adoptive parents love me and my birth parents are dead or couldn't give a rat's ass. No mystery, no hidden tension."

"Well, other than your gender is apparently a mystery to a lot of people," La Flaga said.

I knew he was saying that to try and joke again. I sensed that what I had just laid into La Flaga was too heavy for his liking. He had probably expected a light answer in response, not something so personal, direct, and somewhat thought-provoking. I can joke sometimes, but not right then. Not right before a battle.

"Well, Elle wants me to grow my hair really long, so maybe with super-long hair people won't call me a boy anymore," I replied.

La Flaga raised an eyebrow.

"Once we get back to Orb, I mean," I replied, feeling a small amount of heat rushing to my cheeks. The embarrassment again. Damn Elle and her damn adorable-ness.

La Flaga sighed. "That sounds better." He walked over to the com.

"Just checking on whether you're getting a second Skygrasper ready to go," he said.

Murdoch's voice. "You're really serious about this, huh?"

"Damn it, Petty Officer Murdoch! How many times do I need to make this clear? If I run out of ammunition, it'll be much quicker to change aircraft than just sit around waiting for a reload!" La Flaga snapped back.

Petty Officer Kojiro Murdoch responded with an expletive-heavy rant. La Flaga put his hand over the speaker, as if censoring the expletives from me meant anything at this point. He gave me an awkwardly pleasant smile. "Might as well go to Prince Kira. I have a feeling this will take awhile."

Now this was funny. "Sounds good to me, have fun with that."

"Yeah . . . I will."

I left La Flaga to his expletive-heavy argument over the merits of preparing a second Skygrasper, and I went into the hangar to talk with possibly the last human I'd ever meet face to face.

"Geez, somebody set Murdoch off. He's saltier than the Indian Ocean," Kira said as I approached him.

"Yeah, it's Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga. He wants another Skygrasper prepared in case he runs out of ammunition."

"Or gets hit," Kira said.

I hadn't thought of that. "Yeah, that too."

I looked into Kira's violet eyes, and what La Flaga had asked me went through my mind. What if? I didn't know why it resonated with me so much, and why it seemed to matter. It was as if something really weird and surreal was pointed out to me, and if I scratched at the surface, maybe I would discover it.

"Speaking of La Flaga, he asked me an interesting question just now. What if you were the Coordinator and I was the Natural?"

Kira raised an eyebrow. "That's a weird question."

"I know, right? One thing's for sure, I'm useless with programming, so if our roles were reversed, the Strike would fall flat on its face."

"You're not useless, trust me," Kira said with a laugh.

Kira looked out at the hangar bay doors, which were closed but would open soon. "I feel that I'm missing some context here, but I think that wondering about this kind of thing is ultimately pointless. I mean, we could go on all day on what could have been, have you trade places with everybody on board. In the end, I think it's random and just doesn't do anyone any good."

"That simple, huh?" I asked him.

"Pretty much," Kira said with a smile.

I was getting used to that warm smile and I was going to regret it. I knew I was never going to see him again after we returned to Orb. He was the prince, after all. How far were we away from returning? Weeks? Months? After a while, it was just going to be crystal clear we would never see each other again.

If only this didn't come with the terror of fighting a war. If only.

"So, what would you recommend for the battle?" I asked him.

"The Aile Pack, which you used in the last one," Kira said without hesitation. "You're going to need a balanced attack for this battle. I don't see any other way to face the Aegis or the other GUNDAMs in this type of environment, plus the BuCUEs and whatever else Waltfeld has up his sleeve."

That reminded me of what Ahmed had said just a couple of days ago. Thinking about him made me wonder if he was okay, but it was far too late to ask that question. Kira wouldn't know.

"I was told that Waltfeld has a special BuCUE-like machine. The LaGOWE. Know anything about it?"

Kira sighed. "No, but if I were to guess it's probably some kind of super-BuCUE. Capable of a lot more damage, and probably was really expensive to make."

"Like a GUNDAM compared to a GINN."

"Basically."

Once again, I am completely reassured by Kira's counsel. Not. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind when I face it."

"What makes you so sure?" Kira asked, visibly surprised.

"I'm his 'worthy opponent'," I replied. "He told me so himself. He thinks I'm the one person who can stop him, so I'm expecting him to come and face me personally before I can derail his chances of victory."

Murrue's voice over the intercom. "All hands, Level One battle stations! We are approaching ZAFT forces! I repeat, all hands, Level One battle stations!"

"Sounds like it's my cue to get out of the way," Kira said, and he stepped aside. "Good luck."

"I'm gonna need it, so thanks," I replied.

Within a minute, I was loaded and ready to launch, and Miriallia's face came up on my monitor. "All set, Caga-er, 'Ensign'?"

I was never going to get used to the military rank in front of my name. "As ready as I'll ever be. I'm ready to launch."

The countdown began.

Waltfeld, I know you're out there. I'm sorry, but I have no choice. My friends and everyone else is counting on me. I have a little girl who just wants to go home. You defeating me means none of us will ever see Orb again.

I was all set to fight Waltfeld. I knew what had to be done, no matter how likable he was. But Athrun . . . I could still see the Aegis reaching its claws out and grabbing me as we began falling through the atmosphere, Athrun risking it all just to save me.

Fighting him was going to be much, much tougher. Our first fight since space. Since he saved me.

But in the end, if I had to kill him . . .

I told myself I would. I just hoped it was the truth and not a lie. If it was a lie, then Athrun could destroy theArchangel, or capture it. I couldn't allow that either. So the truth, harsh as it was . . .

I had to kill Athrun too.

Sorry, I thought as the countdown approached zero. But this is what I have to do, Athrun. I have no choice. Not until we get to Orb.

The countdown hit zero.

"This is Ensign Cagalli Yamato, Strike GUNDAM, launching!"

I accelerated and blasted out into the desert.