YES PEOPLE, I AM ALIVE! AND I COME BEARING A MASS UPDATE TO MAKE UP FOR THE WAIT!
I have had a really, REALLY bad case of luck for a full month. Starting with the car finally giving up the ghost and ending with my mother being in and out of the hospital. On the plus side, my muse has gotten the swift kick in the ass it needed to update some of the older fics. Here's to hoping the rest of the month is better after the mess the last was.
"So explain to me again why we don't give our Micheal the same lesson we gave the alternate one?" asked Lucifer. Dean had explained how he dealt with the bitch fest Micheal and the alternate Lucifer had.
Lucifer thought it hilarious and a great way to make them remember they were supposed to be brothers.
"Because we know you would break the seal, leaving Micheal to stew in his own juices for the rest of time since you're not interested in fighting at all," deadpanned Dean.
It was why they had stuck that particular punishment on the arch angels...they needed a reminder to get along. This Lucifer had learned screwing people over was almost as fun as killing them. Hell would seem like a vacation by the time he was done.
Gabriel still found it hilarious his older brother was seriously considering becoming a Trickster just to piss people off.
"...Why not drag Micheal down and ask Dad to reincarnate him repeatedly until he gets his head out of his ass? Or make him a hunter with his powers sealed?" said Lucifer.
Dean perked up at that last suggestion.
"That might not be a bad idea. End this nonsense now, get rid of the Horsemen, and go on a much needed vacation!" said Sam.
"Give the angels we dragged back a chance to recover, gives your alternate a chance to learn how to hunt with Harry, and we don't have to deal with Heaven's reaction. I'm in," said Gabriel.
"Where would you go though?"
"The past, in another alternate. I've been meaning to at least help one version of Harry before he marries Ginny," said Dean.
"Time travel?" perked Lucifer.
"In an alternate Earth, because I'm happy with the way things turned out here," said Dean.
"Well I'm bored enough that I want in. Besides, I want to see the look on the face of my alternate this time around, since I didn't get to screw around in the future," said Lucifer.
Even Gabriel got to mess with the Winchesters.
"Tell you what... if we end up in another alternate with ourselves, we'll call you," said Dean.
"I'll be holding you to that. Seeing the look on a Winchester's face when they find out I'm Lucifer..." he grinned.
Dean and Sam snorted. The look Henry had given Lucifer when he caught the man watching the Doctor Who episode with the Ood and 'Satan' had been hilarious in itself. The fact Lucifer then switched it to the episode of Futurama where they first introduced the Robot Devil was also pretty funny.
"You want me to what?" said Chuck.
"We want you to either give Micheal his own vessel with powers sealed, or throw his ass into a reincarnation cycle for a couple years until he gets his head out of his ass. If we put him into a vessel, then he can hunt with Henry and Harry. Reincarnation would mean he learns everything the hard way."
"...Why?"
"When Rapheal dumped me in that crappy future that won't happen, we kidnapped Lucifer and Micheal and then forced them to relive the pain they each inflicted on Gabriel every time they tried to kill each other. It was a lesson in learning how to act like brothers. Gabriel's almost fully recovered, but there's no way we could pull off the same thing here because Luke is more interested in his TV than he is in fighting Micheal."
"Which would leave one stuck and the other annoyed. If you can get him down here, I can create the physical form. Just make sure he ends up in the Roadhouse," said Chuck.
"One magical beacon that mimics the same thing that dragged him down, coming up. I'm sure Mort will get a kick out of this too," chuckled Dean.
A few hours later Chuck felt something strong breach heaven, sending the arch angel crashing down to Earth. The angel in charge of watching the prophet was so distracted by the event he missed the surge of power surrounding Micheal, sealing off most of his heavenly powers.
He could still heal or smite demons, but that was it. He would have to earn his old power back.
He made sure Micheal knew the conditions of regaining his old rank and powers back. He wouldn't die, but he was going to learn a valuable lesson. Humans were stronger than he would ever believe.
"So any idea where our vacation is going to be first?" asked Sam.
Henry and Harry were waiting for Micheal to show up before they took the Harvelles place hunting wise. Dean was sure Henry could keep the two alive long enough for them to really get into the swing of things.
"Chuck said he would send us into the time of Harry, before things really got bad. I'm just hoping like hell it's not fourth year, because that was a bitch and a half."
"What did Mort have to say?"
"So long as Harry takes my place, he has no problems. I think Harry's still getting used to a living Teddy and Sirius though," said Dean.
Sirius was thrilled having his Harry back (as much as he liked Dean, it just wasn't the same) and despite the fact it wasn't technically his Sirius, Harry ignored that fact and treated him the same. Teddy, of course, was being spoiled rotten by both.
"You sure about this?" said Bobby.
"We need a vacation, and if we stuck around heaven might force us to reveal what we did to Micheal."
"So when are you leaving?" asked Bobby.
"Just as soon as Micheal meets up with the others," said Dean.
One week later...
Dean was eager to wreck havoc the same way he did in the alternate future.
What he wasn't expecting was for Gabriel to suddenly develop a cramp in his wings...which caused a crash of the others flying behind him. Because of this minor hiccup, they didn't land when they were planning.
And because Chuck wanted some form of repercussion for what they did to Micheal, even if it was for his own good. Well that, and to remind Gabriel where Lucifer got most of the things he taught the youngest arch angel.
"Ow... what the hell happened?" asked Dean.
"I'm guessing Dad decided to have a bit of fun with us," grumbled Gabriel.
"No offense Lo', but your dad is a total dick," said Sam, before he asked another very pressing question, "What the hell happened to my voice?!"
It was at that moment they looked at each other then at themselves. Dean let loose a very long stream of curses that would have made a nun have a heart attack. Gabriel thought it was rather impressive, to be honest.
Their confused and unamused audience, not so much.
Dean took one look at the Hogwarts staff, then at Gabriel.
"How many years has it been since the Potters were killed by Voldemort?" he asked finally.
"Thirteen, why?" asked Dumbledore.
Dean almost let loose another set of cursing. Only the look McGonagall gave him kept him from doing so.
"Am I to take it the Tri-Wizard tournament is going to start this year?"
"And how would you know that?" sneered Snape. Dean's glare shut him up fast.
"I am going to kill Chuck for this. Loki, hand me your phone so I can call Henry and the others. He is going to pay and I'm not giving up my damn vacation just so I can punch him in the face for messing up our landing...or making us teenagers again!" snarled Dean.
"You know most people would want to reclaim their youth," said Gabriel grinning.
The look Sam gave his boyfriend would melt metal.
"Most people don't enjoy being able to drive or drink alcohol. And need I remind you that as long as I look fourteen you're going to be stuck on the couch?" Sam informed him.
"Fuck. Tell them to give him two for that," said Gabriel, his smirk all but gone at that.
Dean was already on the phone with an amused Henry. He would be the one delivering the beatdown while Lucifer held Micheal back to keep him from getting all biblical for assaulting the prophet because he was being an asshole. Harry would be sending them a recording of it.
"I'm afraid you gentlemen have us at a disadvantage," said Dumbledore.
"And I'm afraid you should have retired a century ago," snapped Dean.
Dean hated puberty the first time around. Being stuck at fourteen (and therefor unable to legally drive his baby or drink) was pissing him off something fierce.
He got a text from Harry, and cursed.
"He said we're going to have to stay like this until seventh year before the spell will reverse. Until then we have to 'relive' our childhood," said Dean annoyed.
"At least we don't have to deal with getting a magical guardian. How did you escape the age reversal?" asked Sam to Gabriel.
"Please, you think Dad would be able to pull something like that off on a body I made personally without having to deal with a total bitch fit?" snorted Gabriel.
Seeing Dumbledore's speculative look, Dean correctly interpreted it. He was going to sort the younger ones while either putting Loki on staff or sending him somewhere he could keep an eye on him. Dean was betting staff.
"Well if you gentlemen are stuck like that, I can offer a simple solution to avoid problems," offered Dumbledore.
"You're going to sort us and claim transfer students while putting Loki on staff, aren't you?" said Dean flatly.
Seeing the collective blink of shock, he had hit that nail on the head.
"Actually yes."
"Word to the wise, do not place him on any position with your caretaker or potions master. He will drive them insane in less than a week, if that," said Dean.
"I could easily hang out in the hospital wing. I do know my way around healing spells, after patching you muttonheads up more than once," said Gabriel.
"Excellent! Would you care to be sorted during the feast or before?"
"Let's get this over with," said Dean.
The train rolled into the station, and wet students started walking in fifteen minutes after. For a trio of students, it was just a small reprieve from the hectic summer...especially after what happened less than a week ago.
"Who is that? I don't recognize him," said Hermione.
"No idea," said Ron.
"Why don't we find out?" said Harry.
The three sat close to the new kid who everyone was curious about. There were two others in Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff respectively. There was also a golden haired man sitting next to an extremely irritated Snape. Harry wondered if this was the new DADA teacher.
It wasn't until after the sorting that Dumbledore stood up for the announcements. The mystery kid in Gryffindor had a bored look on his face while they waited to hear who the new arrivals were.
"Everyone, I am sure most of you have noticed some new arrivals. Please stand up."
The mystery kid rolled his eyes and looked like he very much wanted to flip Dumbledore off.
"We have three new transfer students from a home-school in America. In Gryffindor is Dean Harvelle, Ravenclaw his younger brother Sam Harvelle and their friend Castiel Singer is in Hufflepuff. In addition Madam Pomphrey will have a new assistant in the form of Loki Laufeyson. Please give them a warm welcome," said Dumbledore grandly.
There was a sudden bang as the new DADA teacher came in. Dean rolled his eyes again.
"Can I sit down now?" he asked Harry.
"I guess."
Dean sat down with a bored expression on his face.
"So what's America like?" asked Ron.
"Which part? We move around so much we've practically seen all of it."
"How can you learn magic while on the road?"
"Home-schooled. Means we get assignments online and as long as the muggles don't see it we're allowed to practice magic. Way more fun," said Dean.
Which was true. That was how he and Sam learned their magic the first time. And since it allowed them to learn magic without having to forgo a normal education, it meant they had high school degrees. Not like he was going to tell them that.
"On line what?" asked Ron.
Dean looked at Ron, then at Hermione and Harry.
"Is he serious?"
"He's a pure blood. They still have no idea what internet is," said Harry.
"Ah. That explains it. They trade 'magical superiority' for common sense. And yet the first generation magicals can still kick their ass intelligence wise. Coincidentally do any of you have allergies to dogs?"
"No, why?"
"Dumbledore neglected to mention I brought my familiar with me. He's a St. Bernard, magical Foo mix I named Bear. Hogwarts charter states I can have a non-conventional pet so long as it registers a familiar bond," said Dean immediately.
Hermione stared at him in shock.
"You've read the Hogwarts charter."
"Page 3-0-5 in Hogwarts A History extended edition. We were stuck in the school for a week before it started because of a bad port key. It was either read that or Oedipus Rex again," said Dean.
"There's an extended edition? Wait, you've read Oedipus?!" said Hermione eyes sparkling.
Dean's eyes glinted in amusement.
"My brother might be a bird brain, but he doesn't love the classics like I do. Only reason I ended up in the house of the brave and reckless is cause I'm more likely to jump in to protect my family. The hat had real trouble figuring out which house to dump me in. Only reason it didn't go with Slytherin was because I threatened to drive Snape insane in less than a month," said Dean smugly.
That got the twins attention.
"Did we hear the transfer right?" said Fred.
"You threatened to drive Snape up the wall in a month?" said George.
"Well it wouldn't be that hard. Especially with Loki helping. He hates hypocrites like Snape, and I heard he's planning to terrorize all the stuck-up pure bloods when he finally gets bored."
"Wait...does that make him the..."
Dean's grin was a tad evil.
"Yes boys, that is in fact the Loki. As in the Norse Trickster who specializes in teaching assholes a lesson. The eminent prank war will begin once we settle in," said Dean with an evil cackle.
McGonagall felt a chill of apprehension go down her back. Something horrible just happened.
Sam sighed.
"Is there any way to prank-proof the Ravenclaw tower?" he asked the Asian prefect.
"Why?"
"Because I'm fairly sure that my brother just threw down a prank war challenge to those twins over there and informed them that the medi-witch's new assistant is in fact the very same Loki from Norse mythology," said Sam.
The entire Ravenclaw table winced.
"We're screwed aren't we?" asked Cho Chang.
"Throw Dean a few classic books like Lord of the Rings or something equally old and he might be distracted," offered Sam.
"He might fight Granger for those," said Chang amused.
"Well that or we could throw Cas in his direction. Loki only knows those two have been staring at each other for months," said Sam.
Cas looked at Dean and almost winced.
"The Hufflepuff dorms are close to the kitchens, correct?" Cas asked Cedric Diggory.
"Right next to them. Why?" asked the prefect.
"Because I'm fairly sure I just heard Dean throw down a prank war challenge and dropped the fact that Madam Pomphrey's assistant is in fact the Trickster god Loki to those twins. And I know Dean well enough to state with conviction that the only safe haven will be the kitchens and the library."
"Why the kitchens?" asked Diggory, even if he was wincing at the idea of a prank war.
"Dean likes his pie. He will not risk angering the house elves just for the sake of a prank, otherwise he'll have to cook his favorite dishes himself."
"Good to know. So we can bribe him with homemade pie?"
"That or classical literature. He's a fan of Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe, for example," said Cas.
"Here's to hoping we all survive this prank war," said Diggory.