For Aaron, staying present was the most difficult thing. Memories were invading his consciousness. There was no way he could explain to Emily why he had gone outside in the middle of the night, in any way that she could understand. All Aaron knew for sure was that it made sense to him.
"It's okay," Emily reassured, even though Aaron knew the truth. Nothing was okay. Nothing would ever be okay. Not when there was a kid out there getting treated like a human, while Aaron had gotten treated like so much less. Not when Aaron knew the truth about himself. That he was inherently bad. That he was so thoroughly unlovable that even his own parents couldn't love him.
He couldn't speak, so Aaron shook his head.
Emily watched him carefully, considering his reaction before she spoke. "I know it doesn't feel okay. But it is, honey. I promise you. Whatever is wrong, I want to help you make it better. Now, will you please talk to me?"
"I can't," Aaron shook his head.
"Yes, you can. Just one thing. Anything," Emily encouraged.
"Ask Dave," Aaron offered tonelessly.
"Ask Dave what?" Emily pressed gently.
Aaron shrugged, at a loss again. When there was silence for several minutes, he spoke softly. "You don't have to keep me."
"You're my son. It's never occurred to me not to keep you."
"It occurred to them." Aaron said, his face still blank. "Just ask Dave. Ask Dave or get a goddamn shovel," he spat, suddenly angry.
Emily's tone grew more intense suddenly, as she told him, "I'm not asking Dave, I'm asking you, Aaron. Talk to me. Please. How would asking Dave help you right now?"
"It wouldn't," Aaron shrugged. "But he knows."
"I'm listening. He knows what's upsetting you, but it wouldn't help you for me to ask him," Emily swallowed. "Hypothetically, how would my getting a shovel help you?"
"I'd be better. It would put me in my place," he tipped his chin, feeling almost defiant.
"What would put you in your place? What would the shovel be for?" Emily asked quietly.
"What are most shovels for?" Aaron retorted sharply. "Just bury me…" he said, suddenly resigned. Suddenly quiet.
Emily had to have heard him wrong, but in a second, she knew she hadn't. She knew she had heard her son exactly right. He was asking for the unspeakable, which he had apparently already endured. She took a deep breath, determined to steady herself for him, and not vomit as she wanted so badly to do. Aaron didn't need a weak mom, he needed a strong mom. He needed a mom who would stand by him through what he was enduring. A mother who would light the way to the other side of his darkness.
She reached for him, slowly and deliberately, tilting his chin up so they were looking at one another. "I need you to look at me, and I need you to listen. I will never bury you. Do you understand me?"
"No," he said, and it was beautiful to her, because it was honest. It was, however, haunting for the very same reason.
Cautiously, as though she were taming something, Emily drew Aaron into her arms and held him. "You are my son, Aaron. My heart," she paused, thinking. "Do you remember what guardian means?" she asked tenderly, remembering when he'd come back to her at seven years old, worried about the legitimacy of her signature on a school permission slip.
"It doesn't mean anything," Aaron said, his tone empty.
Emily held his face between her hands, still seeing the little boy she had met so many years before. "It means everything. Tell me. What does it mean?"
"To keep something safe," he recited by memory.
"Someone," she corrected softly. "You're someone, Aaron. You're a person and you have always deserved the dignity of being kept safe, of having a home, a bed, food to eat and you have always deserved to be loved. Being a guardian is a responsibility I take very seriously. Keeping you safe is my highest priority and it always have been. Because I love you and I value you so much."
"They did it," Aaron accused darkly.
"And they shouldn't have," Emily told him firmly. "No matter what you did, it doesn't make what they did justified. You were just a little boy, Aaron. They were the adults, and as adults, they were legally obligated to protect you."
"I couldn't fight Chris or Martin. I lied. I was disrespectful to you. I couldn't handle anything myself. All I did was make trouble for everyone. Spencer got beat up again. …And I'm not a little boy anymore," Aaron finished, his tone defeated.
"You are my little boy," Emily said fiercely. "None of those things you mentioned change that. Abusing someone else is never okay."
"What about running away?" he asked, his voice low.
"What about it?" she asked. "You've done that, remember? And I didn't hurt you or scare you in any way. I never have and I never will."
Aaron only sighed as if Emily had said something that was a nice idea, but not at all based in reality. "You don't have to keep me," he said again, breaking her heart.
"Yes, you said that earlier. You mentioned Dave knowing something about what's making you so upset, but it won't help you for Dave to tell it. It will help if you do, though."
Aaron swallowed, convulsively. "What are you going to do if I tell you?"
Emily pulled him into her arms again, and held on. "I'm going to listen and I'm going to hold you."
"What if I can't say it?" he asked, sounding choked.
"Then I'll still listen. And I'll still hold you," Emily promised.
"Can you ask me?" he wondered, his voice timid. She was taken back to the first day he'd been with her when he was seven. When he hadn't spoken a word at first. Had that been the problem, even then? Had Aaron simply not been able to speak about the horrors he endured because no one asked the right question?
"What's making you so afraid that I won't want to keep you?" she asked, her arms still around him. "You seemed okay until recently. What changed?"
A shudder ran the length of his body and she rubbed his back.
"Sean," Aaron said - not what Emily was expecting to hear at all.
"Who is Sean?" she asked.
"The one my parents kept, after I came here," Aaron whispered.
He braced himself. It was all Aaron could think to do. He didn't know what Emily's reaction would be to news like this. And, he found that, as much as he tried, the rest of the story came pouring out. Only because he didn't have to look her in the eyes and see her inevitable disappointment, or worse, her confirmation of what he already knew to be true.
"I found some papers in Dave's desk, after Carolyn…I didn't mean to…I just was cleaning up for him and found them by accident. Official papers, like Dave was keeping an eye on my family. It said they had a child, born nine years after me. He was six years old, the same age I was when it started. So, I went to Manassas with a friend to check it out. The address was the same. So…I went and he looked just like me. Except he was clean. He got to go to school and have friends, and eat at the table. He looked so normal, and my parents…I was only there a few minutes…but they loved him, Mom. I could just tell. They loved him the way you love us. And I couldn't take it. It makes me hate myself. Because if I had been better, maybe I could have stayed with them. Why does Sean get to play team sports and go to his cousin's house when I got nothing like that? What the hell is so wrong with me? It's not them, Mom, obviously. They're capable of love. They just couldn't love me," he insisted.
He could hear the lump in Emily's throat when she said, "Nothing is wrong with you. What made your parents hurt you, and love Sean, I don't know. But you are completely loveable. Dave loves you. Carolyn loves you from afar. Penelope loves you. Derek loves you. JJ loves you. Spencer loves you. Nathaniel loves you. Cary loves you. Matthew loves you. I love you, Aaron. So much, you can't even imagine. You were my first little boy. You are everything that's important to me. If I could have somehow known what was happening to you from the first day you came to me, saying you were lost, I would have fought like hell to keep you with me," Emily said honestly.
Aaron pulled back to look her in the eye, skeptical and hopeful all at once. "Really?" he asked, his voice thick.
"Absolutely," she nodded, and he saw tears falling down her cheeks.
"You would have saved me?" he insisted. "If you knew what was going on, you would have taken me here and let me live with you?" The concept was foreign to him. Up until a minute ago, Aaron had never honestly considered himself worth saving. But the way Emily talked, it wasn't even a question.
"In a heartbeat, Aaron. I would have gotten you out of there a long time before, when you were a baby. I would have loved to see you take your first steps and cut your first teeth. You would have had birthdays and holidays and all the dignities a child deserves. You would never have gone hungry or been abused or humiliated. If you cried at night, I would have held you until you felt safe."
"Kind of like now," Aaron whispered.
"Yes, exactly like now." Emily confirmed, kissing the top of his head.