Chapter 34

Scarlett watched Reid stare out the window a little while longer. She saw a look cross his face and he shook his head.

"Spencer..." she called to him. He jumped slightly, turning to her. She scooted up a bit in the bed as he moved closer.

"Don't move around so much, Scarlett. You're going to pull something out," he warned, his voice soft. When he was close enough, she reached over and grabbed his arm, pulling him towards her.

Reid looked at her questioningly.

"Sit with me, pretty boy..." she told him. "At least until Derek and Penny get back... Just sit with me." She patted the bed beside her.

Spencer looked her over, shifting carefully beside her on the bed.

"Reid," she said his name in a huff. "I am not made of glass. I will not break..." she told him when he acted afraid to touch her. She twisted a bit on the bed, pulling him down against the pillow beside her. She felt him shiver as he closed his eyes tightly and grabbed her hand.

Scarlett watched his profile, taking in the circles around his eyes and the lines creasing his forehead.

"When was the last time you slept, farm boy?" she asked quietly.

He frowned darkly. "When they knocked me out..." he told her flatly.

Sighing, Scarlett reached over and traced the lines around his eyes with a light touch. She felt him suck in a breath and hold it. When he turned and looked into her eyes, she saw pain heavy in his hazel gaze.

"I slept for a few hours, Scarlett," he repeated in a softer voice, his eyes locked to hers.

"Mmm... 'kay," she breathed out, moving her hand to stroke his cheek. He pressed a kiss to her wrist as it passed by his lips.

"What did they hit you with?" she asked him softly. She felt him shudder slightly.

"Haloperidol," he whispered, closing his eyes to avoid her gaze.

"Spencer..." she trailed the pad of her thumbs under his eyes, holding his face in her hands. "Baby, look at me..." When he opened his eyes again, she saw the fear there.

"It's not your fault..." she told him firmly. "You didn't take anything..."

"I recognized the feeling as soon as it hit me, Scarlett," Reid swallowed hard, closing his eyes a moment. He licked his lips before pressing them together in a thin line. His brows furrowed into lines above his nose before he looked back at her again.

"I... uh, I recognized it and I remember thinking, 'Thank God', because I knew..." he blew out a shaky breath and stared down at his hands. "I knew it would take the pain away... and I didn't want to be here, anymore..." he looked back at her with a sideways glance.

"I didn't even fight against it, I just let it take me... I didn't care, it was easier to just let go," he watched Scarlett's hands move down to cover his own. He focused on her fingers, watching as she gently pried his fists open, when he hadn't even realized he was clenching them. She stroked his palms lightly over the marks where his nails had dug into his skin.

"When I heard the flatline... Scarlett- I couldn't take it..." he shuddered, the memory sweeping over him. He saw it all replay in his mind clearly...

Derek pushing him back from the bedside so the doctors could work on her... the orderlies grabbing his arms, trying to take him from the room. He knew he'd shoved at them, pulling away long enough to reach Scarlett's side once more, begging her not to leave him, reminding her that she'd promised... A nurse was in his face, telling him that he had to leave... he heard his own voice yelling at her that he wasn't leaving his wife's side... then the blissful burn of the drugs hitting his system...

Spencer shook his head, clearing the memory at the sound of Scarlett's voice.

"Reid, look at me..." Scarlett's voice broke into his reverie. He looked back over at her again.

"Scarlett... I didn't even fight it..." he said again. "I wanted it to take me under... Jesus," he raised a shaking hand. "Look at this..." he said. She took his hand and pressed it against her chest over her heart, covering it with her own.

"You're coming down, pretty boy. It's going to happen. You have to let it run it's course out of your system," she stated.

"That's not my point, Scarlett..."

"Then was is your point, Doctor Reid?" she teased with a smile. She took her free hand and brushed some of his hair from his face. He looked confused.

"The point is, that I am a drug addict, Scarlett..." he scowled. Scarlett tipped her head at him slightly.

"I remember quite well you telling me that... Actually, I remember hearing something about you dealing with it years ago, I believe... Right?"

This time Reid rolled his eyes. "Right..."

"So," Scarlett drew her hand down over his cheek, holding him to continue looking at her. "If I called the doctor in right now... told him you were coming down hard and he said he'd order you another dose to level it off... would you take it?"

Spencer pulled away from her slightly. "No! Of course not..." he scowled. "What the fuck, Scarlett. You know I don't want any drugs..."

"Not even yesterday..."

"Not really..." he ground out.

"So it wasn't you, asking for them..."

"No... Scarlett, you're confusing me," he told her, brow furrowing once again. She kissed the lines that formed there.

"I'm pointing out, Spencer, that your choices right now aren't any different than they were last week. The drugs are there, as long as you choose not to use today, you'll be alright. One day at a time, baby. You know you wouldn't have taken them yesterday if you'd been given a fucking choice... you know you aren't going to ask for them now, even though you could get them..."

"But, you don't understand! Jesus, Scarlett... there's a part of me that wants to... a part that even right now wants to say yes!" he closed his mouth tightly, anger showing clear on his features. "There is always that part of me that thinks, maybe... maybe this time I can control it. I can just use it to forget... and that this time I can control it enough that it won't control me," he stared up to the ceiling to avoid her gaze, not wanting to see censure there.

"I know I can't... I know it doesn't work that way- but yet, there is still that part, that whisper in the back of my mind that sometimes comes pushing back in to my thoughts. You have no idea..." he felt his face burn in shame. "You don't know..."

Scarlett didn't say a word the whole while he spoke. She listened to the pain and fear that he was putting to voice. She watched his face, memorizing the lines and shapes of the dearest part of her soul. When she saw a red flush stain his skin, causing him to look away, her heart broke.