A/N. I had to start this chapter because I decided that the cliffhanger in the last chapter was just cruel. So. . . yeah. I don't own anything. I don't own anything. Read on.
The hospital waiting room had never been so torturous. Kendall was pacing rapidly back and forth, refusing to be comforted by his mother who was holding Katie in her arms. James couldn't stop staring at Carlos. He hadn't stopped crying since James had first seen him. But it was awful to watch him. He didn't make a sound. He sat motionless and let silent tears stream down his face. That wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that Carlos was absolutely covered in blood. Logan's blood. The combination of the blood and tears had caused several doctors to rush over to the group when they had first arrived, understandably assuming that it was Carlos who was hurt. Carlos was hurt. But there was nothing the doctors could do to help him and the others except save Logan. And that was what they had been waiting for.
They had only been waiting for thirty minutes but it seemed like so much longer. Finally, Doctor Walsh came over to them. Kendall shrunk back at the appearance of the man he had once welcomed and considered a hero. He was afraid now that the same man who had been fighting for Logan would now be delivering his death sentence. He retreated into the circle of his mother's arms with Katie. James wasn't sure Carlos even realized the doctor was there. It was like he was in a trace. No, that wasn't right. It was like he was in shock. He probably was. James wanted to stand to greet the doctor but he didn't trust his legs to hold him. He opened his mouth to ask if Logan was okay and nothing came out. So he waited.
Steven Walsh been been a doctor for twenty seven years. He had specialized in oncology for twenty one of those years. He knew everything anyone could know about cancer. He knew the treatments like other people knew sports statistics or the weather or even the stock market. He knew the side effects of the treatments. He knew that a bruise or a nosebleed could mean so much more to a cancer patient than an average person. He had learned all of this in medical school. He had spent hours pouring over textbooks, giving new meaning to the term "burning the midnight oil". But never in any of those award winning textbooks had he come across ways to tell people that their loved one had lost their battle or that they were losing. He had all the knowledge in the world when it came to cancer but when it came to delivering bad news he was helpless. That was why when he graduated with honors and received awards, he threw them all away. They were meaningless because when it came tight down to it, being a doctor was so much more than saving lives. Unless you were a monster like Neil Stevens, you became attached to you patients and their friends and family. How could you not when you saw them at their very worst day in and day out?
Logan Mitchell would always be a patient that Steven would remember. He was always polite and cheerful and painstakingly selfless. One night the doctor had come in to say goodnight before he left the shift to find Logan crying quietly.
"Are you in pain?" Doctor Walsh frowned and glanced at Logan's vital signs and his chart. Nothing pointed to psychical pain. In fact, he had been given a dose of Morphine just twenty minuets ago. He should have been knocked out cold.
Logan shook his head and wiped the tears away. "No. I'm fine, thank you."
It was a lie. It hadn't taken long for the doctor to realize that Logan hated to burden anyone with his troubles. Any doubt he had about that had been erased when Ryan Mitchell abandoned his son and Logan hadn't told anyone until his best friends had arrived. Maybe Logan wasn't in pain, but he was obviously hurting. "Is what's happening to you scaring you? Upsetting you?" He was surprised by his own boldness. He usually respected a patient's desire for privacy.
Logan merely shook his head. But he stopped in mid shake and nodded slowly. "But that's not why. . . I'm upset."
Upset was putting it mildly. Something in Logan's eyes made Doctor Walsh stop and sink into the chair next to the bed.
"I don't really mind what the cancer is doing to me." Logan began shakily. "I mean, it scares me and I know it'll get worse before it gets better. But it just scares me. I don't really mind it that much. What I do mind is what the cancer is doing to my friends."
Now as he stood before the people who loved Logan the most, Doctor Walsh was at a loss for what to say. Twenty seven years and delivering bad news had yet to get any easier. "Logan is stable right now." Always begin with the good news if there was any. "But he's extremely weak."
James was grateful he had remained sitting. The overwhelming relief would have been too much for him. He let out a breath and leaned over putting his head between his knees. Logan was alive. The knowledge made him dizzy. He heard the doctor's other words but for some reason he didn't care. Logan was alive.
"Why was he. . ." Mrs. Knight's words trailed off and she couldn't finish her sentence.
"I'm afraid that's where the bad new comes in." Doctor Walsh pulled a chair up to the group and sat down. "When a person is diagnosed with a disease like cancer their entire body is weakened. Often a patient dies from something other than the cancer. In Logan's case his kidneys have been extremely weakened."
"What does that mean?" James heard Kendall's mother ask. The relief that had washed over him was gone. His chest tightened in panic.
"Logan is in renal failure right now. That means his kidneys are giving out. We can keep him comfortable but there's really nothing we can do except-"
"Except for what?" James grabbed on to the doctor's lone optimistic word and held onto it tightly.
"To be perfectly honest, Logan's one kidney is no good. He needs a new kidney. So the only option would be a kidney transplant."
"How. . . long?" James could hardly breath. Everything was spinning out of control and shattering on the ground in front of him.
Doctor Walsh didn't answer him right away. It was his least favorite question to answer. How long did Logan have to live? "There's no certain time." He began finally. "It could be several weeks or several months." He glanced down at his hands unable to see their reactions.
"So that's it then." James felt a numbness come over him. "Logan's going to die."
"He's on the waiting list for a kidney." Doctor Walsh tossed the information out to them like a life preserver. "It's entirely possibly that one might come in time. But. . . you need to be prepared."
Be prepared. James had gone months watching Logan like a hawk. Every time something came up, a nosebleed or a bruise, a fever or vomiting, he would wonder if things were finally coming to an end. Was this it? But now, as he stared at the doctor, James couldn't face the truth. He couldn't. He didn't want to. It was his birthday. His eighteenth birthday. He wasn't supposed to be hearing this.
"James?" Kendall was crying. He shook James shoulder again. "James did you hear the doctor?"
James shook his head and struggled to focus on the man in front of him. "What?" His voice sounded weak and raspy.
"I was just telling everyone that Logan really cannot see anyone right now." Doctor Walsh repeated. "But I don't like the idea of leaving him alone either. So I'll allow one person to stay overnight with him."
"James." Kendall said instantly. For a brief instant, the old Kendall appeared. The Kendall who made decisions without asking anyone first. The Kendall who was so impossibly stubborn that no one would contradict him. James is staying with Logan tonight." His tone allowed for no argument. "It's his birthday."
Doctor Walsh blinked at Kendall's words and turned towards James. What had happened to birthdays being happy? "James." He said quietly. "Would you like to stay with Logan tonight?"
James couldn't say anything. Speech was beyond him. He nodded, ignoring the tears that blurred his eyesight. He stood up, the others mimicking him. He was engulfed in a hug from Mrs. Knight and Katie before anyone could say anything.
"Take care of him." Mrs. Knight whispered. "We'll be here tomorrow as soon as they let us." He dropped a kiss on his forehead and led Katie away to give the three boys some privacy.
Carlos was still crying silently. James pulled him into a hug forgetting his blood covered shirt. He felt the shoulder of his own shirt soaking up Carlos' tears and he longed to be able to say something. Anything.
As soon as Carlos slowly pulled away, Kendall was hugging him. Any trace of pride or "manliness" they had left was gone. All they had was each other. "Tell him we'll be here tomorrow." Kendall managed to tell James. He let his arms drop to his side. "Bye, James."
James tried to respond but the lump his his throat made it impossible to say anything. He watched wordlessly as Carlos and Kendall walked backwards until they bumped into the doors and then finally turned around slowly, and were swallowed up by the darkness of the night. Then he let Doctor Walsh lead him to Logan.
Logan was sleeping. His chest rose in slow and steady breaths. James sat down besides the bed and concentrated on his friend's breathing for a while. He held his breath and waited before breathing again until his matched with Logan's. The beep of the heart monitor nearby was the only thing that kept him from falling apart right then and there. Logan's face was a deathly pale, and his lips were still slightly caked with blood. James looked away. This person in bed couldn't be his best friend. There had to be some awful mistake. Logan wasn't this sick. He looked back. It was Logan. He could still see glimpses of the old, healthy Logan if he looked hard enough. His hair had grown back and still looked the same. His nose was the only part of his face that hadn't sunken in to give Logan the look of a living skeleton and James found a ridiculous amount of comfort in the fact.
Involuntarily, his hand had crept up on the bed and found Logan's limp hand. He gripped the bed rail with his other hand tightly because he had a constant falling sensation and he wanted to be sure that he remained upright. He bent his head to the bed and rested it on the soft covers. But only for an instant because his keen awareness caught Logan as he stirred. He shot up so fast that he felt dizzy. Logan eyes struggled for a while and then opened. His gaze moved around the room before landing on James. "Logan." He whispered hoarsely.
"I ruined your birthday." Logan's voice was so weak and quiet that James could barely catch the words.
As if the words hadn't hurt enough the tears that came to his friend's brown eyes was what finally broke James. A sob forced its way past the lump in his throat and broke the dam of tears in his eyes. He lowered his head to the bed again and cried so hard he was certain that something inside of him was breaking. He had never cried so hard before. Not when Logan was first diagnosed and not at any time something new and frightening had happened. Somehow he found himself on the bed next to Logan and when a thin, bony pair of arms held onto him with a strength that surprised him, James cried even harder.
When he had finally cried himself into an exhausted state, James couldn't move. "I don't want you to die, Logan." He choked out, still trying to regain a regular breathing pattern.
"Don't cry." Logan pleaded, too late. Seeing James, who up until that night had been the strongest one of all of them, completely fall apart hurt his far more than the cancer.
"Then don't die." James' only response was stupid and childish but he didn't care. "Logan." He whispered his friend's name yet again because he wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to say it when talking to him. "What are we going to do without you?"
A/N. I think the solitary Jamesangst is over. For now. I hope it wasn't melodramatic or slashy. I don't write slash. Just very close friendship. Thank you to all of you who have made this my most reviewed story. You're all amazing. Oh, and random fact here: This story is over 100,000 words! And it's all because of you guys. I have no words. Thank you. I hope this chapter was worth your time. Please review!