A warning for some underage drinking.
Featured music: Elliott Smith - "Between the Bars"
Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight. I merely play with the characters for entertainment. Songs and lyrics belong to their respective artists. No copyright infringement intended.
Chapter 36
The Pressure of Days
I woke up in an unfamiliar setting, and I remembered where I was. I remembered how I was there. I remembered last night.
I looked at the ceiling, the ceiling I stared at until my eyelids gave out last night in the light of the pale moonlight. It was the ceiling I clung to to tell me I was still here, that this was all happening. Now, in the daytime, it looked completely different, betraying me, disorienting me. I closed my teary eyes.
I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling again. It looked like a different thing again. The light was a warmer tone, not as white. Some time had passed. How long had I been asleep?
I heard footsteps outside the door but I didn't look away. I knew the door was being opened and the footsteps came closer. I closed my eyes. I heard noises next to me where the bedside table was. Then the footsteps receded. After a few seconds I opened my eyes to see the ceiling again.
My eyes played tricks on me, made me think the ceiling was moving, changing colors. I knew it wasn't true but I kind of wished it was possible.
I didn't know how much time passed but I grew thirsty until finally I turned my head and saw a glass of water and a plate with a muffin. I sat up laboriously. I hated having to depend on something so much to survive. Then I drank the lukewarm water and loved the thirst-quenching feeling.
I uncocooned myself from the covers and swung my tired legs over the side of the bed. I stood up on my feet and walked out of the room.
Jake was immeasurably helpful to me in the next few days. He went with me to identify and claim Phil's body to have him cremated. He invited me to stay over his place for as long as I needed. I took him up on his offer for another night before he took me home.
I had to get the finances in order. Phil paid the bills, but usually I was the one to open the mail and made sure he paid them. I had to cover the rent and other bills, and the cost of the cremation. Until I could get the balance of Phil's account, I had some money saved from work that could tide me over, but it definitely wasn't going to be enough for the long haul.
I was planning on quitting or cutting down my hours considerably at the Newtons' store once school started, but now I was going to need all the hours I could get.
I got Phil's car back from the bar parking lot he last left it to get a ride from his also drunk friend, who was still in the hospital in critical condition. It would be convenient to have a car, but I feared I wasn't going to be able to afford it and thought of selling it to help pay for everything else. Jacob told me he would help me sell it if I needed.
I finally managed to open the door to my father's room and go inside. It was incredibly sad to see his scant possessions that would never feel his touch again. I brought in a box and slowly gathered his belongings. I was going to donate his clothes and most of his things. I kept his wallet, which had a picture of me as a young child.
I turned on some Elliott Smith.
I was cleaning the house when I came upon Phil's bottles in the kitchen. Most of the bottles didn't have much left in them. I found one that had half left and one that was unopened. I usually threw out his empty bottles he left around the apartment so I only found one with a few drops worth. I dropped it into the recycling bin. I took the other ones that had only a little bit left and emptied them in the sink before recycling the glass bottles.
I wasn't going to throw out the new bottle of whiskey, it'd be a waste. I figured I could give it to Jacob, he was old enough, though I never saw him drink before.
Now, only the half empty bottle was left to dispose of. It was a lot just to pour down the drain. But there was no one left to drink it.
I stared at the open lip of the vodka bottle. I wondered about the allure of alcohol. I've tried tiny sips of it before, just to know the taste and I've despised it. After that, the curiosity of it vanished, especially since I've come to associate it with a sad, depressed Phil.
Hell, I was sad and depressed. I picked the bottle up by the neck and took a swig. I felt the burning sensation down my esophagus into my stomach immediately. I made a gagging face and cleared my throat. It tasted like rubbing alcohol. I looked at the bottle and wondered how people found this tasteful.
A few more sips later, I was feeling warm and relaxed on the couch.
The loud knocking on my door made me startle in my seat and a sense of panic quickly set in. I jumped up and was going to pour out the rest of the vodka when I heard, "Bella, it's Jake," outside the door.
I exhaled in relief and went to open up. I turned the knob and opened it slightly peering outside. When I saw he was alone, I opened it wider and let him through.
Elliott Smith sang "Between the Bars."
Drink up, baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
I gave him a hug and he seemed surprised. I went to sit back down on the couch. He followed me and saw the bottle on the coffee table.
"Have you been drinking?" he said in surprise.
I took the bottle and offered it to him. He took it but didn't drink. I leaned my head on his shoulder. I was feeling uninhibited, a departure from how I usually was. Jake put the bottle back on the table. I didn't know if he drank from it before he put it down.
Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head
I looked up at him and he turned his head to look at me. I leaned up but he was too tall for me to reach him. He lowered his face and his mouth met mine.
He was so warm, even warmer than my blushing face. His hand cupped my cheek and I felt like I was going to burst into flames. We were wrapped up in passion when I pulled away from him. I was feeling slightly dizzy.
People you've been before
that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
He looked me deeply in the eyes and excused himself to go to the restroom.
I touched my warm lips with my fingertips and wanted to cool them down. I thought of how different Jacob's kisses were from Edward's cold kisses. I grabbed the bottle and put the cold bottle's lips to mine instead to keep my mind off of him. But it was too late.
Edward.
My breathing quickened as I suddenly felt guilty. I had no reason to feel guilt. We were no longer together, I was no longer his. He had left me. He could be out there kissing someone else right now.
No, somehow I didn't think so. I had no reason to think that, but my heart wouldn't let me.
What did my heart know?
I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket and without thinking twice, I speed-dialed 1.
What was I thinking?
I wasn't. I tried to hang up the phone when I dropped it. I quickly grabbed it off the floor and put it to my ear.
I didn't hear anything. Had I missed the rings? Or had it gone to voicemail already and I missed the beep? I breathed slowly and debated whether to say something.
I could tell him Phil was dead. Would he feel sorry for me? I could feel the beginnings of a cry. I wasn't going to do that.
I could tell him I had a new boyfriend now. I could let him know that I was moving on. Would he even care? Would that be spiteful of me?
I held onto the phone wordlessly, listening to the quiet hum of the call.
"Who are you talking to?" Jake asked walking towards me.
"No one," I answered ending the call. I felt guilty about trying to call my ex-boyfriend while I was with my current one, but I had been drinking alcohol and technically I hadn't lied – I hadn't talked to him.
Jake sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder.
"You shouldn't be drinking," he said softly to me.
"Buzzkill," I teased. I grew serious then and said, "I know. It's not something I plan on doing often."
He kissed me on my forehead.
"I want you to know that if you imprint on someone, I won't expect you to be with me."
"Bella..."
"No, you don't need to make promises to me in that way. Neither of us knows what's going to happen in the future. Don't say anything you're going to regret. Just promise you'll always be my friend and we'll keep it at that," I smiled at him weakly.
He pulled me into a firm hug and we stayed like that for a while till I fell asleep safely in his arms.