Hay guys! Miss me? I've missed you, I've been in and out of hospital the last few weeks, but I'm okay now. It kinda killed my creativity for a bit, so this is a slow start getting back into stuff. I watch the Bleach movie! I was so happy with Kenpachi jumping out of the air sounding like a dropping bomb. If bombs cackle, that is. And Soi Fon's part! I laughed so much, cos she saved Yumichika's ass and I thought !fanfiction! Ahahahahaaaa. Never mind me. Carry on. BTW, I took this prompt rather stupidly.
War
No one exactly remembers why or when the animosity between the Fourth and Eleventh Divisions began. Some say Kenpachi started it by demolishing the relief centre when they tried to restrain him in preparation for a compulsory prostate check. He wasn't happy and the feeling was apparently mutual. Also, another theory regards a rumour of a prank that was meant for Hanatarou accidentally springing onto Yumichika. Needless to say, large and painful boils plus Yumichika equals the Terror of a Painful and Horrific Death to All Shinigami Involved.
In any case, the levels of resentment between the two divisions eventually led to war…
"So…the reason why Zaraki-taicho and Unohana-taicho are not present for today's meeting is because…they're boycotting each other's presence?" Yamamoto said each word slowly, the wrinkle generally accepted as his eyelid twitched.
"That is correct, sir." The messenger confirmed. The assembled captains collectively rolled their eyes. Yamamoto sighed.
"So where are said captains?" He asked.
"Fighting, sir. In the general vicinity of Seireitei."
"Fighting? I thought they were boycotting each other's presence…how odd."
"Both divisions are fighting, sir. Everyone." And as extra confirmation a muffled noise of a building collapsing far away rolled across the room.
"They won't kill each other…I don't think. Kenpachi might, but if Unohana has her eye on him, perhaps not."
"Do you want us to stop the fight?" Ukitake asked as another rumbled was heard. Yamamoto was thinking.
"Keep an eye on the situation and make sure no one gets in serious trouble. If there is a bankai or any eyepatches removed, stop it immediately. The situation shall be diffused by this afternoon. I think this fight was the result of a long peacetime, which we all know that Eleventh Division dislikes; an explosion of frustration, so-to-speak. The tensions between the two divisions should be reduced after the fight."
"Is that all, sir?" Ukitake asked.
"Yes, move out. I shall watch the situation too."
………
"So when you said 'I shall watch the situation too', what you meant to add 'I'm also going to drink sake and make bets on the fighters', right sensei?" Ukitake sighed as he sat beside Yamamoto and Shunsui on top of a building next to the main fighting. The other two were munching on pocky and drinking sake, as into as the fighting as if they were watching a game of football.
"Oh, come on Jyuu-chan, the fighting doesn't even look serious. See? They're only using their fists now." He motioned to the fighters. They'd formed a ring now and only two fighters were in the ring, both muscular and rather bruised.
"C'mon Eleventh!" Yamamoto hooted.
"Oi! Fourth! I have money on you! Beat the other guy to a pulp!" Shunsui yelled. Down below, the fighters looked up at the captains in a moment of blind confusion before returning to their fight. The two fighters swung out and their blows connected. Both fighters fell out cold on the ground and the mass fighting broke out again. Ukitake sighed as the other two began arguing on who won the money.
………
"If I win this fight, you owe me a date." Ikkaku smirked as he swung Houzukimaru lightly at Isane. Isane glowered at him, her zanpakuto ready to be released.
"I don't do dates with people from Eleventh Division." She huffed. She sounded tougher than she felt. Behind her a river flowed and she was effectively trapped.
"I'm disappointed. You're a pretty girl…tall, perhaps, but pretty." Ikkaku said. There was a rustling from the bushes and Iba came out from them, dragging an unconscious Fourth Division member behind him.
"Oh, Ikkaku, whattya up to? Oh? Picking on a girl?" He looked at Isane with interest.
"I'm not picking on her, we were discussing about a date." Ikkaku grinned. Iba shook his head.
"You? On a date? Everyone knows you've got terrible luck with women."
"Shuttup! I'm better than you with women. Right! Isane! Who'd you rather go with? Me or this great big brute of a bastard?" He thumbed at Iba.
"Actually, neither. I prefer not to be asked on a date by sword point." She growled, setting her feet into the dirt. Iba and Ikkaku looked at each other and they withdrew their swords.
"Alright, how 'bout we settle this by janken?" Ikkaku suggested. Isane lowered her sword in confusion.
"Janken?" She asked.
"Yeah, sure. That way, we fight, no one gets hurt, and I get a date, voila! Anyway, I've kicked enough Fourth Division asses today; gotta leave some for the others, y'know." Ikkaku said.
"So the terms of Jaken are?" Isane asked, peering at them suspiciously.
"If I win, I get dinner and a kabuki with you…if you win-"
"-you get a tattoo of a flaming cat." Isane smirked.
"Flaming cat?"
"Flaming cat. On your back. Big one."
"You drive a hard bargain, missy. Ok, Iba are you in this one?" Ikkaku asked.
"Wait, I didn't say you can both be in this one." Isane raised her sword again.
"We win by popular vote." Iba said, "Everyone in agreement, raise their hand." he raised his hand along with the unconscious 4th Division member's. Ikkaku raised his hand too.
"Oooo, you guys are so unfair!" She moaned.
"We were being democratic. 'Course you've the right to complain, but if we both lose, we both get flaming cats on our backs. That'll be shitty, won't it?" Isane thought about it. She would be getting dinner and a date, maybe two, but they were getting their backs permanently marked.
"Alright, I'll do it." She smirked.
………
Byakuya walked through the group of the moaning 4th applying first aid to anyone who needed it to a pink child sitting on top of a pile on unconscious shinigami consisting of both 11th and 4th members.
"Hi, Bya-chan!" She chimed. Byakuya looked around and down at her pile.
"Did you do all this?" he asked, motioning towards the unconscious.
"We-ell, not all of them. Most of them were already fighting when I came, but a kicked a few butts." She pointed at a man obviously finding sitting a painful ordeal.
"I see."
"Got any candy?"
"Some."
"May I have some, puh-leeeeeease?" She wobbled her bottom lip. Byakuya closed his eyes in a half-sigh. He reached in his pocket and drew some out for her.
"Alright." He said.
"Yay! Hey, Bya-chan, sit down here. It's really cool," she motioned to a shinigami back, "I found out if you poke one guy, someone else on the bottom squeaks. Check it out." She began jabbing the upper levels, releasing different moans and yelps of pain from below. Byakuya didn't sit, but began poking all the same.
"How interesting." He commented, poking harder.
"Ain't it?" She smiled. She watched him continue to poke, "Don't go too overboard, I think that's Renji squeaking."
………
"This is so not worth my time, effort and beauty." Yumichika sighed, flicking his hair. He turned from his defeated opponents, clearly bored. He'd walked a few metres when he looked up into the trees.
"You can come out now." He said to the foliage. A few moments later Soi Fon emerged.
"You're pretty good. I hid myself pretty well." She said, perching on a branch.
"I've got good hearing," He said, happier that he got a compliment, "what were you doing up there?"
"Just making sure nobody got seriously hurt. You've got some pretty sweet moves."
"Ah, so you saw my zanpakuto release. I'd appreciate that you don't tell anyone…especially not to my superiors. They'd dropkick me to next Sunday if they found out." He smiled.
"Why don't you tell them? It's so powerful." He asked, leaping from the branch.
"Nah…every man's got to have some secrets. It was beautiful, wasn't it?"
"Very pretty. I haven't seen something like that in a while." She nodded.
"Hey, do you feel like lunch? I've been fighting all morning and I'm starving…and knowing my friends, I won't have any company for a while." He asked. Soi Fon looked at him oddly.
"Sure…I'll come. I haven't had anything either. What about those guys over there?" She looked at the unconscious men behind him.
"They'll be alright. They'll wake up with some memory loss, of course, but nothing else." He waved his hand over the topic. They began walking away from the battle site.
"Right."
"Hey, I need to stop at my place…I've gotta change my clothes."
………
"I give up." Kenpachi's muffled voice floated past Unohana's ear.
"Pardon? I can't hear you in there." She sang.
"…I give up! I surrender! I yield! I give in! Uncle! Truce!" He was yelling now.
"Did you say surrender? Did the great Kenpachi Zaraki admit defeat? I don't believe it." Unohana smiled, looking down at her released Minazuki.
"Yesyesyes. You better bloody believe it, woman! Now let me the fuck out!" Minazuki's check bulged as Kenpachi tried to escape from its mouth.
"Say it nicely, or I'll keep you in there."
She could hear Kenpachi taking a deep breath, "Please Unohana-taicho, let me out of this mouth." He said with obvious restraint.
"Ok, Minazuki, spit him out." She patted the zanpakuto monster. Minazuki did spit him out, though somewhat forcibly. Kenpachi reminded her of a newborn deer: slimy and more than a little wobbly in the legs. Minazuki's saliva had healing and anaesthetic effects, but too much had a paralytic effect. Not too mention that whatever goes into that mouth won't come out without Unohana's command, no matter what the riatsu.
"I'm going to tan your hide!" Kenpachi pointed an accusing finger at her, falling over as he tried to get up "…as soon as I regain feeling in my legs."
"Just stay down before you hurt yourself." Unohana warned as he tipped precariously close to a sharp drop down a flight of stairs.
"Don't worry, Unohana-taicho, I've got him." Yamamoto said, coming up said flight of stairs.
"Yamamoto-soutaicho." Unohana gasped.
"Would you two captains come and see me please." He said with a voice that only meant serious trouble.
"She started it." Kenpachi pointed.
………
"Confiscation of zanpakuto," Ikkaku moaned broom in hand, "and we have to do 4th's chores with them!" In a great display of frustration, he threw the broom down on the ground with a clatter.
"Pick it up;" Yumichika said, resplendent in an apron, gloves, face mask and headscarf, "you might get in more trouble." He threw the garbage bag over his shoulder and marched off in the direction of the pits. Renji swept closer to Ikkaku.
"So how did your date go with Isane?" He asked. This seemed to infuriate Ikkaku even more.
"She stood me up. I had flowers and everything. Iba kept his promise, unlike her." He pointed at the shirtless Iba, flaming cat in full view.
"Poor unlucky shnookums." Renji pouted mockingly. Ikkaku hit Renji with his broom over the head.
"You wanna fight? Sweep! Broom-san!" He brandished the broom like a zanpakuto.
Smack!
Kenpachi in a facemask whacked him over the face in way of warning and marched off.
"What's his problem?" Ikkaku said nasally as he pinched his bleeding nose.
"Sewer chores."
"Ah."
Bahahahaaaaa, yeah, twas stupid. Better ones next time!