"Don't Do Me Like That"
All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Tom Petty.
I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-5.
Thank you for reviewing!!!! I really appreciate it!!!
There will be lots of "ESB" dialogue in this episode. And hey - if you haven't seen "The Empire Strikes Back" in a while, go on, watch it. You know you want to ;-) And just a silly little side note, there is actually a song out there called, "The Ballad of Han, Luke and Leia". I'm not kidding. It's hysterical, it sounds like a song Kelso wrote on his guitar. You can find it on youtube if you're curious.
ACT 1
SCENE 1
A BLACK SCREEN. THE WORDS SCROLL ACROSS THE SCREEN LIKE IN THE BEGINNING OF "STAR WARS" WHILE THE MOVIE'S THEME SONG PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.
A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY . . .
ERIC FORMAN AND HIS BAND OF BEER LOVING TROUBLEMAKERS ARE EAGERLY AWAITING THE RELEASE OF THE NEXT STAR WARS SAGA.
MEANWHILE, RED AND KITTY ARE HEADED ON A CRUISE WITH BOB AND JOANNE. KITTY IS HOPING FOR A ROMANTIC VACATION AND RED . . . WELL, RED IS JUST HOPING HE DOESN'T HAVE TO THROW BOB OVERBOARD.
ERIC, DETERMINED TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE FOR THE MOVIE, HAS PACKED A FEAST OF TWONKIES AND BEER. BUT, OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS WANT NO PART IN SLEEPING ON THE SIDEWALK. HE SHOULD HAVE LEARNED HIS LESSON AFTER THE STYX CONCERT.
HOWEVER, ERIC'S FRIENDS ARE EAGERLY AWAITING THE MOMENT LEIA CHOOSES HAN OVER LUKE. THAT WILL BE A GALACTIC BURN . . .
FADE INTO INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. MORNING, MAY 20,1980, THE DAY BEFORE THE RELEASE OF "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK". HYDE AND KELSO ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST WHEN ERIC WALKS IN. HE IS CARRYING A LARGE DUFFLE BAG AND ALSO A SLEEPING BAG. HE HEADS OVER TO THE TABLE AND SETS EVERYTHING DOWN.
ERIC:
(excitedly, to the guys) Alright, I've got my sleeping bag, some beer and some Twonkies. We're all set.
HYDE:
(to Eric) Have fun, man. You'll probably be the coolest geek there. (with a smirk) That's somethin' to be proud of.
ERIC:
(disappointed) You guys aren't coming with me? I wanna be the first person in line and we have to leave now. (getting a little worked up) 'Cause I know Mitch is gonna try and beat me there and I am not comin' in second to that little leprechaun.
KELSO:
(to Eric) We're not going to the theater with you, man. Hyde and I are takin' Brooke and Jackie and the kids to see the movie at the drive-in.
ERIC:
(very whiny) What? Why?
HYDE:
'Cause if I have to see "Star Wars" I'm at least gonna get a little action while I'm watching it.
KELSO:
(suddenly very sincere) Yeah, and I want Betsy to be able to say that she saw her first "Star Wars" movie with her mommy and daddy. Oh. (he laughs) And also the "get a little action" thing.
RED AND KITTY ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM. RED IS CARRYING SEVERAL SUITCASES.
RED:
You can pack 'em, Kitty, but I am not wearing shorts. I don't care if the ship goes down and we're stranded on a deserted island for fifty years. I'll go nude before I wear shorts.
ERIC:
(watching Red and Kitty's argument) And that's why my dad will never be on "Gilligan's Island".
KITTY:
(worriedly fussing over Eric) Are you sure you're going to be alright without us, Eric?
RED:
Kitty, the boy is twenty years old. He can wash himself, dress himself, and call for a pizza. He'll be fine.
ERIC:
Don't worry about me. My goal while you're gone is to see "Star Wars" every day.
KITTY:
(with a sad smile she pats Eric on the hand) Well, it's nice to have goals.
HYDE:
(nods in agreement) Especially ones with very little talent or effort involved. Those are the best kind for you, Forman.
RED:
(points, threateningly, at Kelso) You. No matches in my house, and if you glue yourself to something we're not going to be home for seven days so make sure you're close to the toilet. (he points at Eric) You, no doing dirty things with the neighbor girl on the kitchen table while we're gone. (he points at Hyde) And you, try not to have any more kids while we're gone.
HYDE:
(shakes his head) Can't make any promises, Red.
BOB AND JOANNE ENTER. BOB IS WEARING AN INCREDIBLY TACKY HAWAIIAN SHIRT AND WAY TOO SHORT SHORTS. THEY ARE BOTH CARRYING LUGGAGE.
BOB:
(excitedly) Hey there, hi there, bon voyage there. Everybody got their swimsuits?
ERIC:
(smiling at Red) Ooh, I've seen Bob's swimsuit. Have fun, Dad.
RED:
(with a frown) Bob, if you've packed a Speedo I'm not going.
BOB SMILES AND RED SCOWLS AT HIM.
END SCENE
CUT TO THEME SONG
ACT 1
SCENE 2
INT. A CRUISE SHIP LOBBY, THAT AFTERNOON. THE SHIP IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE, BOTH PASSENGERS AND CREW, WALKING AROUND. RED AND KITTY BOARD FOLLOWED BY BOB AND JOANNE. KITTY AND JOANNE LOOK EXTREMELY EXCITED WHILE BOB CHECKS OUT THE SHIP AND RED LOOKS VERY GRUMPY.
KITTY:
(looking around with a huge smile) This is so exciting. It's like we're on the Love Boat.
BOB:
If I get sick, I'm not gonna go see that "Doc" fella. He never made anybody better. He just slept with all the ladies.
RED:
(frowns at Kitty) I can't believe I let you talk me into coming on a cruise. I'm surrounded by people and I'm trapped with nowhere to go.
KITTY:
(rolling her eyes) Red, you were in the Navy. You should be used to being on a boat.
RED:
Yes, but in the Navy they gave me a gun so people were very careful not to piss me off.
BOB:
(grinning) But, I bet in the Navy they didn't have all you can eat buffets.
KITTY:
(adds, quickly) Or drinks with umbrellas.
JOANNE:
Or shuffleboard.
KITTY:
(she links arms with Red) See, Red, this is gonna be fun. Food, drinks, shuffleboard - it's like heaven on the water.
KITTY LAUGHS EXCITEDLY AND RED JUST SIGHS IN DEFEAT.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 3
EXT. THE DRIVE-IN, THE NEXT NIGHT. THE VISTA CRUISER IS PARKED WITH THE EL CAMINO NEXT TO IT AND KELSO'S NEW VAN NEXT TO THAT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE HOOD OF THE CRUISER. ERIC IS HOLDING A LIGHTSABER AND HE LOOKS EXTREMELY WOUND-UP. DONNA IS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT HIM. THE EL CAMINO IS TURNED AROUND SO THE FLAT BED IS FACING THE SCREEN. HYDE IS SITTING WITH HIS BACK UP AGAINST THE REAR WINDOW AND JACKIE IS SITTING IN BETWEEN HIS LEGS. THE TWINS, DRESSED IN PAJAMAS, ARE SITTING NEXT TO THEM SURROUNDED BY PILLOWS AND BLANKETS. KELSO'S VAN IS ALSO BACKED-UP SO THE BACK-END IS FACING THE SCREEN. THE DOORS ARE OPEN AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED UP NEXT TO EACH OTHER PASSING A BOTTLE OF BOOZE BACK AND FORTH. BROOKE IS SITTING NEXT TO THEM WITH BETSY IN HER LAP. BETSY IS ALSO WEARING HER PAJAMAS AND COVERED IN BLANKETS. KELSO IS HANGING OUT BY THE EL CAMINO TALKING WITH HYDE.
HYDE:
(nods towards the van) Kelso, I like your new wheels, man.
KELSO:
Yeah, now that Brooke and I are back together, I had to get rid of the convertible. (with a cocky smile) Chicks just throw themselves at me when they see me in the convertible.
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes at Kelso) Oh please, they were probably trying to throw themselves in front of your car to get away from you.
ERIC:
(points towards the gang using his lightsaber) Alright, I want absolute silence during the movie. (deadly serious, to Jackie and Hyde) No sex noises.
HYDE:
(looking mildly disgusted) Forman, did you bring your lightsaber with you?
ERIC QUICKLY TRIES TO HIDE HIS LIGHTSABER BEHIND HIS BACK AND LOOKS SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED.
ERIC:
(laughing, indignantly) No. (a beat and then his smile falls and he nods, solemnly) Yes. Yes I did.
DONNA HOPS DOWN OFF THE CRUISER AND HEADS TOWARD THE OTHER CARS. ERIC GETS DOWN AND FOLLOWS HER.
DONNA:
Alright, food run. Who wants what?
LAURIE:
Fez and I are good. (she holds up a large bag and a bottle) Candy and amaretto.
FEZ:
(with a big smile) Yummy.
HYDE:
(to Fez and Laurie)Yeah. Let me know how that combination works out for you guys.
ERIC:
(urgently and his voice cracking) Donna, we have to hurry! It's gonna start soon.
DONNA:
(a little irritated) Eric, what did we say about your squeaky voice?
ERIC:
Not to use it?
ERIC AND DONNA HEAD OFF TOWARDS THE CONCESSION STAND.
HYDE:
(calling after Eric) Hey, Forman, you better bring your light saber. You might run into some storm troopers in the concessions line.
ERIC:
(rudely, to Hyde) Very funny.
ERIC STARTS TO WALK AWAY, THEN HE VERY DISCREETLY, GRABS HIS LIGHT SABER OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET.
CUT TO INT. THE CONCESSION STAND.
ERIC:
(impatiently) What is taking so long? Popcorn, candy and soda. (he yells to the people in line in front of him) It's not that hard, people!
SUDDENLY, MITCH APPEARS IN THE CROWD. WHEN HE SEES ERIC AND DONNA HE LOOKS INCREDIBLY NERVOUS.
ERIC:
Mitch? What are you doing here?
MITCH:
(stammering) Um ... I didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here.
DONNA:
(giving Mitch a friendly smile) You should pull your car up by us.
ERIC:
(hisses, angrily, at Donna) Donna? Are you drunk?
MITCH:
(quickly shakes his head) That's ok, we've already got a spot.
FENTON COMES THROUGH THE CROWD CARRYING A LARGE BUCKET OF POPCORN AND HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS MITCH.
FENTON:
(grinning) Alrighty, an extra large popcorn for my extra small man.
ERIC AND DONNA LOOK COMPLETELY STUNNED THAT FENTON AND MITCH ARE APPARENTLY TOGETHER.
ERIC AND DONNA:
Fenton?
ERIC:
(confused, to Mitch) But ... but you're in love with Donna.
MITCH:
(slightly guilty) Yeah. About that. Sorry, Donna. I hope you understand.
ERIC:
(he gasps) Oh my God, (points at Donna) you made Mitch gay.
DONNA:
(defensively) I didn't make him gay.
FENTON:
(with a perverse smile) I did that.
MITCH:
(holding up his hands, trying to stop the conversation) Nobody made me gay. Can we please not talk about this? Let's try to focus on "Star Wars".
ERIC:
(staring at Mitch in disbelief) Wow. I actually like you more now. Now that I know you have a heart and not a tiny, evil troll sitting in the middle of your chest.
MITCH:
(with a small smile) That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Forman.
FENTON:
(to Eric) Can we buy you some raisinets?
ERIC:
(shrugs and gives Mitch and Fenton a big smile)Why not!
FENTON HEADS TOWARDS THE COUNTER WHILE THE OTHERS WATCH HIM GO.
CUT TO EXT. THE DRIVE-IN. DONNA IS AT KELSO'S VAN HANDING OUT FOOD AND ERIC HAS STOPPED AT THE EL CAMINO TO GIVE JAGGER A PRESENT WHILE JACKIE AND HYDE LOOK ON.
ERIC:
(very serious) Jagger, as my godson, I got you a little something. (he holds out a lightsaber with a bow on it) Your very own lightsaber. Use it to battle the dark side. And also, whack your mom and dad with it if they start getting too frisky.
HYDE:
(points at the screen) Here we go.
ERIC:
(his voice raising about an octave as he gets excited) Here we go! Oh my God, here we go!
DONNA HEADS TOWARDS THE CRUISER, GRABBING ERIC ON THE WAY.
DONNA:
Eric, come sit with me.
ERIC:
(to Donna) Alright, but keep your hands to yourself.
DONNA:
(with a chuckle) I'll try.
CUT TO KELSO'S VAN AS THE OPENING MUSIC BEGINS. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED TOGETHER, THEIR EYES GLUED TO THE SCREEN AND STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH CANDY. KELSO HAS HIS ARM AROUND BROOKE AND BETSY IN HIS LAP.
KELSO:
(whispers, loudly) Brooke, will you read the words to me, and do it in a scary voice.
BROOKE CHUCKLES AT KELSO, THEN SHE GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEEK AND LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. KELSO DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF THE SCREEN.
CUT TO THE CRUISER AND THE EL CAMINO. ERIC LOOKS TOTALLY MESMERIZED. HYDE WATCHES ERIC FOR A FEW SECONDS WITH AMUSEMENT.
HYDE:
(shouts to Eric) Hey, Forman.
ERIC:
(to Hyde) What?
HYDE:
(with a shrug) I just wanted to be the first to say, I told you so.
ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD, TRYING TO IGNORE HYDE. EVERYONE TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE.
CUT TO EXT. THE DRIVE-IN ALL THREE CARS. THE MOVIE HAS ENDED AND EVERYONE LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED. ERIC LOOKS SLIGHTLY CATATONIC. DONNA, SITTING NEXT TO ERIC, IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO LAUGH. JACKIE, STILL SITTING IN BETWEEN HYDE'S LEGS, HAS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND SHE TURNS AROUND TO FACE HYDE. HYDE HAS AN EVIL SMILE ON HIS FACE. JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE SLEEPING ON THE PILLOWS AND COVERED WITH BLANKETS. KELSO'S MOUTH IS HANGING OPEN IN TOTAL SHOCK. BROOKE IS CUDDLED UP NEXT TO HIM HOLDING A SLEEPING BETSY. FEZ LOOKS EXTREMELY SAD AND ALSO A LITTLE NAUSEOUS. LAURIE IS SITTING ON HIS LAP. SHE LOOKS UNAFFECTED BY THE MOVIE AND SHE'S POLISHING OFF THE LAST OF THE AMARETTO.
DONNA:
Holy. Hell.
KELSO:
(dumb-founded) Wow. (a beat and then he laughs) Bummer.
FEZ:
I am so sad for them. The Empire has kicked their space asses. (he rubs his stomach) And I am also sad for myself because candy and amaretto is a very bad combination.
HYDE:
(with a mocking smirk on his face as he looks at Eric) Forman doesn't look real good. Maybe somebody should poke him and make sure he's still breathing.
FEZ AND KELSO HOP OUT OF THE VAN AND HEAD OVER TO TAKE A LOOK AT ERIC. LAURIE AND BROOKE SCOOT TO THE VERY EDGE OF THE VAN SO THEY CAN SEE ALL THE ACTION.
JACKIE:
(with attitude) All I have to say is, thank God they finally gave Princess Leia some more clothes. I mean, she's a princess. And no princess wears one outfit for a whole movie.
LAURIE:
(nodding) At least she finally got a decent hair stylist, 'cause that whole bun look was not working for her.
DONNA:
(holding in her laughter as she stares at Eric) Eric, are you ok?
ERIC:
(slowly) I can't believe it. Darth Vader is Luke's father?
HYDE:
(to Eric) Ooh, don't forget that Leia wants Han.
ERIC:
(sarcastically) Thank you, Hyde. (like it's starting to set in) Darth Vader is Luke's father and Leia is in love with Han. (his voice cracking) My world is crumbling, Donna. Crumbling.
KELSO:
(excitedly, he points at the others) I told you guys! Leia totally did it with Han.
BROOKE:
Michael, that wasn't in the movie.
KELSO:
(with a dopey laugh) It's in my version.
ERIC:
(serious) I can't even imagine Luke's anguish. Can you imagine finding out you have a father you never knew about?
HYDE:
(very sarcastically) Yeah. I wonder what that's like.
ERIC:
Hyde, you got a cool, rich dad. Luke got an evil, part-robot dad who chopped off his hand.
LAURIE:
(with a taunting smile) Cheer up, Eric. Maybe Luke can make some progress with Leia while Han's in that carbonite thingy.
JACKIE:
(shaking her head) No chance. Once you've had Han Solo, you can't go back to wimpy Luke.
DONNA:
(nodding in agreement) Jackie's right. It's all over for Luke. I mean, he and Leia might as well be brother and sister.
KELSO:
(with a big, dopey smile) How cute was Yoda. I just wanted to pick him up and squeeze him. (suddenly, very excited) Hey, let's dress up Fez like Yoda.
FEZ GIVES KELSO A DIRTY LOOK AND ERIC CONTINUES TO LOOK EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
INT. CRUISE SHIP, A DINING ROOM, THE SAME TIME. RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE SEATED IN A FORMAL DINING ROOM HAVING DINNER. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED UP. THE GUYS AND JOANNE ARE HAVING BEERS AND KITTY HAS A VERY TROPICAL LOOKING DRINK IN FRONT OF HER. BOB HAS A LARGE PLATE OF SHRIMP TAILS IN FRONT OF HIM AND RED IS WATCHING WITH A LOOK OF MILD ANNOYANCE AS BOB POLISHES OFF THE LAST OF HIS SHRIMP COCKTAIL.
RED:
Bob, "all you can eat" doesn't mean you have to eat it all.
BOB:
(shrugging) I'm sorry, Red but when I see shrimp I gotta eat 'em. It's sinful to waste those little suckers. They gave up their lives for us, the least we can do is enjoy eating them.
KITTY:
(pulling the garnish out of her drink) Drinks just taste betters with fruit on a plastic sword in them.
JOANNE:
(quietly, to Bob) Bob, I think it's time we gave Red and Kitty their gift.
KITTY:
(claps, excitedly) A gift? Yay! Ooh, is it one of those flower leis they give people when they walk onto the Love Boat.
RED:
Kitty, that's "Fantasy Island"
KITTY:
(with a dismissive wave) Same difference. (she goes back to her drink)
BOB:
It's something a little less tropical than that.
BOB REACHES INTO HIS JACKET POCKET AND PULLS OUT AN ENVELOPE. HE HOLDS IT OUT TO RED, WHO STARES AT THE ENVELOPE, SUSPICIOUSLY.
RED:
If that's a chain letter, we don't want it.
KITTY TAKES THE ENVELOPE FROM BOB AND TEARS IT OPEN, SHE READS IT QUICKLY AND A LOOK OF SURPRISE SPREADS ACROSS HER FACE.
KITTY:
(slightly confused) It's a wedding invitation. (realization sets in and she looks thrilled) To your wedding! (to Bob and Joanne) Oh my God, you two are getting married?
BOB:
(with a huge smile) Surprise!
KITTY:
(bouncing up and down ib her chair) They're getting married! (hitting Red on the arm) Did you hear that, Red? (she screams at Red) Married! (she lets out a huge laugh)
RED:
(frowning) Alright, Kitty, no more swords with fruit for you.
RED TAKES AWAY KITTY'S DRINK.
JOANNE:
(gives Kitty a hopeful smile) Kitty, will you be my matron of honor?
KITTY:
(puts her hand on her heart, touched) Oh my goodness, of course I will. I love when Bob gets married, I always get to be a bridesmaid.
BOB:
And, Red, of course you're the best man.
RED:
(to Bob) Why? Because we're friends or because you don't know anyone else on this ship?
BOB:
(smiling) It's a little of both, Red.
KITTY:
But why are you getting married on the ship? Why not at home?
JOANNE:
(she looks at Bob and then back to Kitty) We didn't want to steal Eric and Donna's thunder. We don't need a big fancy wedding, we just wanted to have a nice, quiet ceremony with our best friends.
KITTY:
(starting to cry) That is so beautiful. That's just, it's just ... (a little lost) what's the word, Red?
RED:
(flatly) Beautiful.
KITTY:
(bangs on the table) Beautiful. It's just beautiful.
BOB:
(with a goofy smile) And also, this way we get to go straight to the honeymoon. (he puts his arm around Joanne)
RED:
(to Kitty) Now aren't you glad we got separate cabins.
KITTY NODS QUICKLY AND BOB SMILES, SHEEPISHLY.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 5
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, LATER THAT NIGHT. THE CIRCLE.
KELSO:
(contemplatively) Did anybody else think Hoth looked like Point Place in the winter?
PAN TO FEZ
FEZ:
(nodding) Yes. And Dagobah looked like my country. (deadly serious) I do not miss living there, I can tell you.
PAN TO HYDE WHO IS HOLDING A BEER AND DOESN'T LOOK "MELLOW" LIKE THE OTHER GUYS.
HYDE:
(in disgust) How nasty was Darth Vader's head. Man, keep the helmet on.
PAN TO ERIC
ERIC:
So ... who do you guys think the coolest guy in space is?
PAN TO KELSO
KELSO:
(with a big open-mouthed grin) Yoda. You seek Yoda.
PAN TO FEZ
FEZ:
(smiling) Han Solo. He is one smooth-talking, spaceship-driving, son-of-a-bitch.
PAN TO HYDE
HYDE:
(nodding in agreement) He rocks, man. Leia told him she loved him, and all he said was, "I know." That kicked ass. That's what I'm gonna say the next time Jackie says she loves me. (he frowns) And then she'll kick me, but it'll still be cool.
PAN TO ERIC
ERIC:
(very whiny) Why doesn't Leia want Luke? I mean, he can use a lightsaber for God's sake. What girl doesn't want a guy that can use a lightsaber?
PAN TO KELSO
KELSO:
(getting irritated with Eric) Eric, chicks don't want Luke because chicks want adventure and excitement ... and a Jedi craves not these things.
PAN TO FEZ
FEZ:
(with a smile and a nod) Yes. Also, women love Han because he is a scoundrel. Nobody wants the nice guy. (to Hyde) Right, Hyde?
PAN TO HYDE
HYDE:
(nodding) That's right, buddy. Ask Jackie, scruffy guys are what the chicks want.
PAN TO ERIC
ERIC:
(like he's going to break down) Hyde. I'm trying to put the pieces of my life back together and the image of Han and Leia doing it is burned into my brain. Please don't add the image of you and Jackie doing it.
PAN TO KELSO
KELSO:
Do or do not. There is no try.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 6
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM, LATE THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SLEEPING IN DONNA'S BED. WHILE DONNA IS SLEEPING PEACEFULLY, ERIC IS TOSSING AND TURNING AND HIS HEAD IS TWITCHING BACK AND FORTH AS HE DREAMS, FITFULLY.
FADE INTO ERIC'S DREAM
INT. A STAR WARS-LIKE SET. ERIC IS LUKE, DONNA IS LEIA EXACTLY AS SHE APPEARED IN EPISODE IV, HYDE IS HAN AND KELSO IS CHEWIE. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SEATED ON A BENCH SEAT WHILE HYDE AND KELSO ARE STANDING CLOSE BY. DONNA IS FUSSING OVER ERIC.
DONNA:
Oh, Luke. I was so worried about you out there in the snow.
HYDE:
(gives Donna a cocky grin) What about me? Were you worried you'd never get the chance to make out with me?
DONNA:
(very bitchy, to Hyde) I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.
KELSO:
(takes off his Wookie mask) Oh yeah! Bring it on, Leia!
HYDE:
(to Donna) Whatever. You totally want me.
DONNA:
(taunting Hyde) Well, I guess you don't know everything about women.
DONNA GRABS ERIC AND PULLS HIM TO HER, THEN SHE KISSES HIM. AFTER A FEW SECONDS ERIC PULLS AWAY AND POINTS, TRIUMPHANTLY, AT HYDE AND KELSO.
ERIC:
See! I told you! I told all of you Leia wants me.
ERIC GRABS DONNA AND PULLS HER BACK TO HIM FOR ANOTHER KISS. SUDDENLY, FEZ APPEARS OVER ERIC'S SHOULDER. HE IS DRESSED AS YODA, COMPLETE WITH THE GREEN SKIN AND EARS.
FEZ:
(watching Eric and Donna kiss) Sexy.
ERIC IS STARTLED BY FEZ AND HE AND DONNA BREAK APART.
ERIC:
Fez? What the hell, man?
FEZ:
(grinning) Oh I am not Fez. I am Yoda. So carry me around on your back and move things with your mind, dammit.
IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM WE CAN SEE HYDE MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL. HER BACK IS TO THE CAMERA BUT IT APPEARS TO BE PRINCESS LEIA IN HER WHITE SNOWSUIT OUTFIT FROM "EMPIRE". HYDE TURNS PRINCESS LEIA AROUND WHILE STILL KISSING HER AND WE CAN SEE THAT IT'S JACKIE. ERIC GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARD THE COUPLE.
ERIC:
(totally lost) Jackie? Ok, I have to see you and Hyde making out enough in real life, why am I seeing it in my dreams?
JACKIE AND HYDE STOP MAKING OUT AND JACKIE GLARES AT ERIC. SHE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.
JACKIE:
I'm not Jackie. I'm Princess Leia.
ERIC:
(shaking his head) No you're not, (he points to Donna) she's Princess Leia.
JACKIE:
(looking Donna up and down) She's the old Princess Leia. (gesturing to herself) I am the new and improved Princess Leia, the one who's in love with Han Solo. Oh, and I have more than one outfit.
HYDE GRINS AT ERIC AND PULLS JACKIE BACK TO HIM AND, ONCE AGAIN, THEY BEGIN MAKING OUT. ERIC LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN DONNA AND JACKIE, HE IS TOTALLY CONFUSED AS TO WHICH ONE IS THE "REAL" PRINCESS LEIA.
DONNA:
(very melodramatically) Luke, I can't deny it any more. I want Han.
SUDDENLY, DONNA STANDS UP AND QUICKLY CROSSES TO HYDE AND JACKIE WHO ARE STILL MAKING OUT. DONNA SNUGGLES UP TO HYDE.
ERIC:
(heartbroken) But ... but we made out.
DONNA:
(shrugs, coldly) Yeah. Sorry about that. I pretty much only did that to make Han jealous.
HYDE SUDDENLY PICKS JACKIE UP AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND HIS WAIST, WITHOUT STOPPING THEIR KISS, HE TURNS THE TWO OF THEM AROUND AND PRESSES JACKIE UP AGAINST THE WALL OF THE SPACESHIP. ERIC WATCHES THE WHOLE SCENE, SADLY, AND DONNA CONTINUES TO GAZE, ADORINGLY, AT HYDE.
ERIC:
(to Jackie and Hyde) Ok, do you guys really have to do that right in front of me? (flatly) Seriously. You're gonna break the hyper-drive.
JACKIE MOMENTARILY PULLS AWAY FROM HYDE AND LOOKS AT ERIC.
JACKIE:
(breathlessly) Sorry, Luke. But he makes me crazy. (she runs a hand over Hyde's beard) He's my scruffy looking nerf-herder.
ERIC:
(sadly, to Jackie) But, I love you.
HYDE:
(irritated) Forman, I realize this is your dream and all, but I'm still gonna have to kick your ass for saying you love my wife.
ERIC:
Leia, wait, you don't want him. He's a scoundrel and dangerous and ...and really, really scruffy.
JACKIE:
(she turns away from Eric and stares, lustfully at Hyde) Oh my God, now I want him even more.
JACKIE AND HYDE BEGIN FRANTICALLY MAKING OUT AGAIN.
ERIC:
(very depressed, he turns away from Jackie and Hyde) I can't deal with this.
BROOKE APPEARS BEHIND ERIC'S SHOULDER. SHE IS DRESSED IN THE BROWN DRESS LEIA WEARS IN CLOUD CITY.
BROOKE:
(sweetly) It's alright Luke, you still have me.
ERIC:
(turns to Brooke in confusion) Who are you?
BROOKE:
I'm Princess Leia.
ERIC:
(hopefully) So, you do love me?
HEARING THIS HYDE STOPS KISSING JACKIE AND GESTURES FOR BROOKE TO COME JOIN THEM.
HYDE:
(to Eric) No. She loves me, too.
BROOKE QUICKLY JOINS DONNA, HYDE AND JACKIE.
BROOKE:
(nodding) He's right, I do.
FEZ WALKS UP BEHIND ERIC. HE IS NO LONGER YODA, NOW HE'S DRESSED LIKE LANDO, COMPLETE WITH THE MOUSTACHE AND CAPE.
FEZ:
(patronizing) Tough luck, Luke.
ERIC:
(turns to Fez and stares at him) I thought you were Yoda?
FEZ:
Well, I was. But now I have to be Lando, because I am the only person of color you know. Except Hyde, of course. (he chuckles) But, he's a little busy with all the Leias.
IN THE BACKGROUND, HYDE STILL HAS JACKIE WRAPPED AROUND HIM AND THEY'RE GOING AT IT WHILE DONNA AND BROOKE STARE AT HYDE AND SNUGGLE AS CLOSE TO HIM AS THEY CAN.
ERIC:
(pouting) This dream sucks.
KITTY WALKS ONTO THE SCENE WEARING A GOLD SEQUINED DRESS AND STANDING NEXT TO AN R-2 WITH A SERVING TRAY HOLDING A MARTINI ON TOP OF IT. SHE STANDS NEXT TO ERIC.
KITTY:
(with condescending sympathy) My poor Master Luke. (she grabs the martini off of R-2 and takes a drink) Maybe you should talk to your father about this.
ERIC:
(quickly and nervously) No! No, that's ok.
DARTH VADER SUDDENLY APPEARS BEHIND KITTY. HE GIVES ONE DARTH VADER BREATH AND THEN TAKES HIS HELMET OFF TO REVEAL IT'S RED.
ERIC:(cont'd)
(sighs at the sight of Red) Crap.
RED:
(to Eric) What's the problem, Jedi dumbass?
ERIC:
(bitterly) I don't really want to talk about it with you, Dad. I'm still kind of upset you chopped my hand off.
RED:
It's not my fault Obi Wan didn't teach you how to use a light saber correctly.
BOB STROLLS UP DRESSED LIKE OBI-WAN KENOBI. HE HAS A GLOWING BLUE LIGHT AROUND HIM.
BOB:
(to Red) I did the best I could. (with a sad pout) And did you really have to kill me, Vader? (gesturing to his blue aura) Now I have to be all glowy.
BOB HEADS OVER TO A DISTRAUGHT LOOKING ERIC AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIM. ERIC IS STILL WATCHING HYDE AND JACKIE MAKE OUT WHILE DONNA AND BROOKE DROOL OVER HYDE.
BOB:(cont'd)
Look, Luke, you've got to forget about Leia and move on. Trust me on this one, buddy.
ERIC:
(sadly) I can't forget her, I love her.
BOB:
(curtly) Well, you shouldn't. Yoda, help me out here.
FEZ, DRESSED LIKE YODA AGAIN, WALKS UP AND STANDS NEXT TO BOB.
FEZ:
(leering at the girls) I can't really blame him. Those Leias are fine pieces of space ass. (to Eric) Hey, Luke, do you think we could do that thing where you do the handstand and I get to sit on your foot?
ERIC:
(angrily, to Hyde) Han, how can you do this to me? Can I at least have one of the Leias?
HAN BREAKS AWAY FROM JACKIE AND LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ALL HIS GIRLS.
HYDE:
(with a wicked smirk) I'll have to discuss it with my committee.
JACKIE:
(huskily) I am not a committee.
THEY GO BACK TO MAKING OUT, FRANTICALLY GRABBING AT EACH OTHER.
ERIC:
(very whiny) Leia, please. I need you. Just give me a chance.
A FOURTH LEIA APPEARS BEHIND ERIC WEARING THE WHITE DRESS FROM THE FINAL SCENE OF THE "ESB". ERIC DOESN'T KNOW IT YET, BUT THE NEWEST PRINCESS LEIA IS LAURIE. COMPLETE WITH A BROWN "LEIA" WIG.
LAURIE:
(with a shrug) Well, ok. But Han's amazing in bed so you better be up to the test.
HEARING HER VOICE ERIC TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE NEW PRINCESS LEIA AND IS HORRIFIED TO REALIZE IT'S LAURIE.
ERIC:
(screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
CUT TO INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM, ERIC BOLTING UPRIGHT IN BED STILL SCREAMING "NO". HE LOOKS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. DONNA IS ALSO AWAKE AND SITTING UP, STARING AT ERIC.
DONNA:
Eric! What the hell?
ERIC:
(looks around and realizes it was just a dream) Oh Donna, thank God. I was having the worst dream.
DONNA:
(angrily) Oh yeah? What was it about?
ERIC:
"Star Wars".
DONNA:
(now pissed-off) Really? 'Cause you said Jackie's name. Actually, you kind of moaned Jackie's name. Why would that be, dink?
ERIC IS MOMENTARILY SILENT, UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY. DONNA STARES AT HIM, WAITING FOR AN EXPLANATION.
ERIC:
(doing the Jedi mind trick) This is not the dink you're looking for.
DONNA GRABS A PILLOW AND SMACKS ERIC WITH IT, THEN SHE GETS UP AND STORMS OFF INTO HER BATHROOM. ERIC FLOPS BACK ONTO THE BED, HORRIFIED.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2
SCENE 1
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THE NEXT MORNING. ERIC WALKS UP THE DRIVEWAY LOOKING PANICKED. HE IS TALKING, NERVOUSLY, TO HIMSELF.
ERIC:
(insistently) It was just a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. You do not want Jackie. You do not want Brooke, and you most definitely do not want Laurie. Just forget about it. (nods) That's it. I'm just gonna forget it ever happened.
THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND BROOKE, LAURIE, JACKIE AND HYDE WALK OUT. HYDE IS CARRYING JAGGER AND LAYLA AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL WEARING BIKINIS AND CARRYING BEACH BAGS. ERIC STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS WHEN HE SEES THEM.
JACKIE:
Hey, Eric. Steven's taking us all to his dad's pool. You wanna come?
ERIC:
(screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ERIC TURNS AND RUNS AWAY FROM HYDE AND THE GIRLS WHO LOOKS TOTALLY CONFUSED.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 2
INT. CRUISE SHIP, A SMALL CHAPEL, THAT NIGHT. RED AND KITTY, VERY DRESSED UP, ARE ARM IN ARM WALKING DOWN THE AISLE. THE SHIP'S CAPTAIN STANDS AT THE END OF THE AISLE.
KITTY:
(with a huge smile) Red, isn't this romantic? A wedding at sea.
RED:
(shrugs) I guess it's better than a burial at sea.
KITTY:
(irritated with Red) Oh you are just impossible.
RED:
(grins at Kitty) I think I'm being extremely pleasant.
KITTY:
Think of this as a warm-up for Eric's wedding.
RED:
Except at Eric's wedding you'll be crying and ranting and raving about a red-headed harlot stealing your precious baby boy.
KITTY:
(very matter-of-fact) Well then, I guess this wedding will be more enjoyable, won't it.
KITTY GRINS AT RED AND GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEEK AS THEY PART AND HEAD TO THEIR OWN SIDES OF THE ALTAR.
CUT TO JOANNE AND BOB AS THEY HEAD DOWN THE AISLE BEHIND RED AND KITTY.
BOB:
Jojo, I've got a surprise for you.
BOB POINTS TO THE ALTAR WHERE A MUSICIAN HOLDING A BANJO APPEARS. HE BEGINS TO PLAY, "THE WEDDING MARCH"
JOANNE:
(touched) It's beautiful, Bob.
BOB:
(grinning form ear-to-ear) You can't hear a banjo and not smile.
BOB AND JOANNE REACH THE END OF THE AISLE AND STAND IN BETWEEN RED AND KITTY. KITTY LOOKS AT BOB AND JOANNE AND SHE STARTS TO CRY. RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 3
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS ON HIS CHAIR WITH JAGGER ON HIS LAP. JACKIE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH AND LAYLA IS LAYING NEXT TO HER. JACKIE IS TICKLING LAYLA AND LAUGHING AT HER. ERIC IS SITTING NEXT TO JACKIE ON THE COUCH. HE IS SMOOSHED UP AGAINST THE ARM, TRYING TO BE AS FAR AWAY FROM JACKIE AS HE CAN. KELSO IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND FEZ IS AT THE DEEP FREEZE GETTING SOME POPSICLES.
ERIC:
(nervously) God, Jackie, do you have to sit so close to me? There's a whole huge couch and you're practically sitting on top of me. Go sit on Hyde's lap ... or, anywhere but next to me.
JACKIE:
(gives Eric an evil smile and then turns to Hyde) I bet Leia sits on Han's lap while he drives the Millennium Falcon.
HYDE:
(with a wicked smirk) I bet sometimes they kick Chewie out of the cockpit, lock the door and head into light-speed if you know what I mean.
ERIC:
(points at Hyde and yells) You shut up about that!
HYDE:
(sighs in annoyance) Forman. I realize that you're still dealing with the whole Luke is Darth Vader's kid and Leia and Han are doing it from this galaxy to the next, but what the hell is up with you lately?
ERIC:
(guiltily) I had a weird dream.
KELSO:
(smiling) Was it a sex dream? 'Cause if it was, let's hear about it.
ERIC:
(starting to look a little panicked) It wasn't a sex dream.
FEZ CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM NEAR KELSO.
FEZ:
Oh, Eric. Sex dreams are nothing to be ashamed of. They are like really, really good bedtime stories.
ERIC:
(sadly) Yeah. Not this one.
HYDE:
(tormenting Eric) What happened? Did Donna finally realize it's as big as it's gonna get?
FEZ:
Oh I can see it now,
FEZ TURNS TO KELSO AND ACTS OUT A SCENE BETWEEN "DONNA" AND "ERIC"
FEZ:(cont'd)
(doing his "Eric") "That's right, Donna, my love. It is I, your love machine."
KELSO:
(doing his "Donna" he points at Fez's pants) "Is that it? Wow. That's extremely disappointing."
HYDE:
(grins and nods at Kelso and Fez's performance) Yeah. That's good stuff.
DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR AND ERIC IMMEDIATELY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE. DONNA LOOKS VERY PISSED-OFF.
HYDE:(cont'd)
Hey, Donna, you'll be happy to know your creepy fiancé is about to share his twisted dreams with us.
DONNA:
(angrily) Really? Did he tell you who the other person in his dream was?
ERIC:
(nervously) Oh no. This is about to get very unpleasant.
DONNA:
(she points at Jackie) It was Jackie!
EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY STARES AT ERIC. FEZ AND KELSO LOOK AMUSED, JACKIE LOOKS HORRIFIED AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FLIP.
HYDE:
(furiously glares at Eric) You had a sex dream about Jackie?
HE GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND SETS JAGGER DOWN IN JACKIE'S LAP
HYDE:(cont'd)
You're dead, man.
HYDE TAKES OFF TOWARDS ERIC.
ERIC:
(running from Hyde) Don't give in to hate! That leads to the dark side!
ERIC TAKES OFF UP THE STAIRS WITH HYDE CLOSE BEHIND HIM.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 4
INT. MOVIE THEATER, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE LIGHTS COME UP IN THE THEATER AND ERIC, MITCH AND FENTON ARE SITTING TOGETHER. THE END MUSIC FOR "ESB" CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD, SADLY, AS HE STARES AT THE SCREEN.
ERIC:
(contemplating) Huh. I thought it might be easier to watch the second time around. (a beat) Yeah. It's not.
MITCH:
(with a shrug) You know, maybe Han's not such a bad guy. I mean, he did cut open his tauntaun and stick Luke inside there to keep him warm.
ERIC:
(reluctantly) I guess that was pretty nice.
FENTON:
(with a smile) Boy that Mark Hamill sure can run, can't he.
FENTON STARTS TO DRIFT OFF INTO HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD AND ERIC STARES AT HIM MITCH STARTS TO LOOK A LITTLE NERVOUS AT ERIC'S REACTION.
MITCH:
(quickly) So. Where's everybody else?
ERIC:
(very matter-of-fact) They're a little upset because I had a dream about all of their wives.
FENTON:
(rolling his eyes) Sheesh. Men.
ERIC:
Hey, what do you think it meant when Yoda said, "No, there is another."
MITCH:
(pauses for a minute thinking, then shrugs) Maybe Han is a jedi.
ERIC:
(bitterly) Doesn't he have enough already?
ERIC SITS, MOPING, AS HE STARES AT THE SCREEN.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 5
INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, LATE THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS EASY CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR NEAR THE COFFEE TABLE PLAYING CARDS. DONNA, BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE ALL WATCHING TV. ERIC WALKS IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY ALL INSTANTLY TURN AND STARE AT HIM. ERIC LOOKS HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
ERIC:
(with a nervous wave) Hey.
THE GANG IGNORES ERIC AND GOES BACK TO THE TV. ERIC ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AND SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH TRYING TO ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
ERIC:(cont'd)
(awkwardly) Wow. This is really, really uncomfortable. I mean, I knew it would be, but this is way above and beyond the level of uncomfortablilty that I was expecting. So ... yay for that.
JACKIE:
Eric, when you get all twitchy it makes Steven even more angry and it took me a long time to get him calmed down so, knock it off.
DONNA:
(sarcastically) Careful, Jackie, don't get too detailed. We don't want Eric getting all worked up.
JACKIE:
(with a sigh) Eric, don't be to hard on yourself. I'm gorgeous. You would have to be blind to not have a dream about me.
ERIC:
Ok, look there was nothing dirty going on in my dream, alright. I was Luke and Donna was Leia and then Hyde was there and he was Han and then Jackie turned into Leia and she wanted Hyde ...
JACKIE:
(she smiles at Hyde) That's not a dream, that's real life.
HYDE:
(with a nod) That's right, baby.
HYDE AND JACKIE START KISSING. ERIC STANDS UP AND POINTS, SPASTICALLY, AT THEM.
ERIC:
See! That's what you were doing in my dream.
REALIZING WHAT HE JUST SAID, ERIC HANGS HIS HEAD. AND, ONCE AGAIN, EVERYONE TURNS TO STARE AT ERIC. HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY PISSED.
DONNA:
(looking completely disgusted) Oh my God, you had a sex dream about Jackie and Hyde.
ERIC:
(quickly trying to explain) No ... it's just ... oh God someone please stop Hyde from killing me. Look, Brooke was there, too.
DONNA:
(yells) Brooke was in your dream?
ERIC:
(smiles sadly) See, I thought that would make it better. But it doesn't, does it.
HYDE LIFTS JACKIE OUT OF HIS LAP AND KELSO AND HYDE BOTH STAND UP AND HEAD TOWARDS ERIC. ERIC STARTS BACKING AWAY FROM THEM. FEZ AND LAURIE LOOK VERY ENTERTAINED BY THE WHOLE SCENE.
KELSO:
Hyde, you hold him, I'll punch him.
FEZ:
(claps his hands, gleefully) This is fabulous. It is better than "Knot's Landing".
HYDE:
(glares at Fez) Quit laughin'.
FEZ:
(with attitude, to Hyde) Oh I will laugh like a little school girl because I am enjoying this. For once, the joke is not on Fez. Because I know my wife was not in his freaky little dream.
ERIC SLOWLY DROPS HIS HEAD INTO HIS HANDS AND FEZ JUMPS UP, HORRIFIED.
FEZ:
(yells) Oh my God, my wife was in your freaky little dream?
LAURIE:
(to Eric) What is the matter with you?
ERIC:
(stammering) Ok, it's not as bad as it sounds.
HYDE:
(yells at Eric) Of course not, because what sounds worse than having a sex dream about your sister?
ERIC:
(points at Hyde) This is all your fault, Hyde! You just had to go and steal all the Leias, you couldn't let me have even one! Not one!
HYDE:
(confused) Wait a minute, so I was with Jackie, Donna, Brooke and Laurie? (nods proudly) Man, my sex life is better than everybody else's even in other people's dreams.
KELSO:
(with a pout) Excuse me! Where was I while Hyde was doing all this making out?
ERIC:
You were Chewie.
KELSO:
(yelps) UH! I wanna be Yoda.
ERIC:
Fez was Yoda. (a beat) And Lando Calrissian.
FEZ:
(bitterly) Oh sure, make the foreign guy the green Muppet and the back stabbing black man. Why could I not be Han Solo?
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes at Fez) Oh please. (she takes Hyde's arm) Steven is Han Solo.
DONNA:
(stands up and faces off against Jackie) Eric could be Han Solo.
JACKIE:
(snotty) Eric doesn't even get the girl in his own dreams. He is not Han Solo.
BROOKE:
(shrugs) Well I think any one of the guys could be Han Solo.
LAURIE:
(very bitchy) Not Eric. There's no way Han Solo has perverted dreams about his sister.
KELSO:
Ok. (with a huge pout) If I can't be Han I wanna be Yoda.
FEZ:
(to Kelso) No way, I am Yoda. Because he is one powerful little bastard.
EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE FACING OFF AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE AND ERIC WATCHES, HAPPILY.
ERIC:
We're arguing about "Star Wars". This is the happiest moment if my life.
HYDE:
(scowls at Eric) Uh-oh. Forman's happy. Nobody let him go to sleep or he'll be molesting all of us in his dreams.
ERIC NODS SARCASTICALLY AT HYDE'S COMMENT AND EVERYONE GETS A GOOD LAUGH AT ERIC'S EXPENSE.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 6
INT. CRUISE SHIP DINING ROOM, THE SAME TIME. RED, KITTY, JOANNE AND BOB ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE HAVING A COCKTAIL. KITTY HOLDS UP HER TROPICAL LOOKING DRINK TO TOAST JOANNE AND BOB.
KITTY:
Well, I would like to propose a toast to the newlyweds, (she pauses) may you always have love, laughter and Pina Coladas. (she smiles) And not necessarily in that order.
BOB:
(getting a little weepy) That was beautiful, Kitty. You have such a way with words.
KITTY:
(happily) It's the coladas, they make me a poet.
RED:
(with a teasing smile, to Joanne) So, what's it like being married to Bob?
JOANNE:
(smirking at Red) I bet it's easier than being married to you.
KITTY:
Oh Red's not so hard to live with. The key is not to talk to him too much.
BOB:
And to always have a beer close by.
RED:
(nods at Bob) You know me well, Bob.
JOANNE:
(smiles at Bob) I think my husband and I are going to dance.
JOANNE STANDS UP AND TAKES BOB'S HAND.
KITTY:
(a little tipsy sounding) Ooh, that sounds fun. I think your husband and I are going to dance too. I mean ... my husband and your husband are going to dance. (she laughs, loudly) I mean, oh just stand up, Red, you know what I mean.
RED:
(teasing) I always do, sweetheart.
RED STANDS UP AND TAKES KITTY'S HAND, PULLING HER UP AS WELL.
KITTY:
(very sweetly) And that's why I love you.
KITTY GIVES RED A KISS.
BOB:
(chuckling) It's certainly not for his warm personality.
RED:
(gives Bob a very sarcastic grin) Bob, have you ever heard the expression, "man overboard"?
BOB LOOKS A LITTLE SCARED AND THEN RED PATS BOB ON THE BACK PROMPTING A GOOFY GRIN FROM BOB. THE TWO COUPLES HEAD TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 7
INT. THE HYDE'S KITCHEN, THE NEXT DAY. DONNA, ERIC AND HYDE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST. JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE SITTING CLOSE TO HYDE IN HIGH CHAIRS AND HYDE IS FEEDING LAYLA SOME BABY FOOD. JACKIE IS SETTING MORE FOOD OUT ON THE TABLE FOR EVERYONE.
HYDE:
(with a teasing smirk) So, Jackie.
JACKIE:
(playing along) Yes, Steven?
HYDE:
How many times do you think Han and Leia have done it?
JACKIE:
(smiling at Eric) Hundreds. And once he's un-frozen, they're gonna do it even more.
ERIC:
(to Jackie and Hyde) You two suck.
HYDE:
(grinning at the twins) Hey guys, your mom is the hottest chick in any galaxy.
JACKIE:
(stops what she's doing and stares, lustfully, at Hyde) God, I love you.
HYDE:
I know.
JACKIE SITS DOWN IN HYDE'S LAP AND THEY START KISSING.
ERIC:
(flatly) Wow. She didn't even kick him. How great for you, Hyde.
DONNA:
Uh-oh, Eric. Jackie and Hyde are kissing. Maybe you should leave the room.
HYDE AND JACKIE BREAK APART AND SNICKER AT DONNA'S COMMENT, ERIC STARTS TO LOSE IT.
ERIC:
(pointing at Donna) You guys just wait. When the next movie comes out you'll all see that Leia ends up with Luke. And then who'll be laughing, huh?
CUT TO BLACK SCREEN THAT READS "MAY 25, 1983"
FADE INTO INT. MOVIE THEATER. BROOKE, KELSO, FEZ LAURIE, DONNA, ERIC, HYDE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING IN A MOVIE THEATER AS THE LIGHTS COME UP. THE END MUSIC FOR "RETURN OF THE JEDI" CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. ERIC LOOKS TRAUMATIZED. EVERYONE ELSE IS EITHER TOTALLY STUNNED OR VERY AMUSED.
DONNA:
(laughing her ass off) Oh my God. (she's laughing so hard, she can hardly get her words out) Luke and Leia are twins.
FEZ:
(with a shrug, trying to make Eric feel better) Maybe Jagger and Layla are Jedis too.
HYDE:
That was the sweetest burn on Forman, ever. George Lucas is my new hero.
JACKIE:
Princess Leia definitely had her best outfits in this movie. And, she got to make out with Han some more. (she sighs, dreamily) It would be so amazing to be a princess.
DONNA:
(trying to stop laughing as she stares at Eric) Eric, are you alright? 'Cause you look like you might throw up.
ERIC:
(mortified) They can't be twins. They made out in "The Empire Strikes Back".
HYDE:
(giving Eric a taunting smirk) Yeah. And you liked it.
ERIC:
I feel so dirty. I need to go take, like, 100 scalding hot showers.
LAURIE:
(with an evil smile) Wow. Brother and sister. (with phony niceness, to Eric) Just like you and me, Eric. I guess this must remind you of that dream you had, huh.
ERIC:
(closing his eyes) Oh sweet Lord, make it stop.
HYDE:
(with a huge grin) This is gonna be a life-long burn.
FEZ:
(nods and smiles) Yes. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away lived a dirty little boy named Eric ...
JACKIE:
(interrupts Fez with a smile) Who liked watching a brother and sister get it on ...
HYDE:
(nodding, proudly, at Jackie) That's what I'm talkin' about. A life long burn, man.
ERIC:
(melodramatically) There's only one thing that will make me feel better. Donna, we're getting you one of those metal bikinis.
KELSO:
(excitedly) How cute were those Ewoks! Hey, let's dress up Fez like an Ewok!
FEZ GLARES AT KELSO AS ERIC CONTINUES TO LOOK LIKE HE'S GOING TO CRY.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
CREDITS
INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN A FEW DAYS LATER. ERIC AND DONNA RE SITTING IN THE KITCHEN HAVING LUNCH WHEN JOANNE AND BOB ENTER CARRYING THEIR LUGGAGE. THEY BOTH HAVE HUGE SMILES ON THEIR FACES.
DONNA:
Hey guys, how was your trip?
BOB AND JOANNE SET DOWN THEIR LUGGAGE AND HEAD TOWARDS THE TABLE. BOB PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JOANNE.
BOB:
(quickly) It was great. Got a little sun, ate lots of food, Joanne and I got married.
DONNA:
(completely shocked) What?
ERIC:
(points at Donna and yells) Now you know how I felt when Leia chose Han.
BOB AND JOANNE SMILE, HOPEFULLY, AT DONNA WHO CONTINUES TO LOOK TOTALLY STUNNED.
END SCENE
END EPISODE
UP NEXT ...
"Mother"
When Pam returns Jackie's thrilled, but it quickly becomes apparent to Hyde that Jackie's mom is up to no good; and Donna tries to adjust to having a step-mom.