All of us were in a bad mood. It had been a week since the mail had come and everyone was stuck doing indoor chores instead of enjoying the wondrous Korean summer that brought more insects, fever and shooting. While the war had been quiet in that time and the wounded load pretty light, we were busy cleaning things out and making sure the camp was in top shape for the next inspection tour at the end of the month. There was no drinking, no fun and most certainly no pranks allowed…and that included the doctors.
I was no exception. Margaret had me bossing around the girls and making sure they were doing their fair share of work. I was not in the mood to deal with it and did not like it regardless, so that left me foul. Even as our head female was yelling at some poor slob, I was out there working with women who did not want someone else on their backs. Even Kellye was not pleased to hear me cracking my whip and complaining about the dirty floors, instruments and counters. Their efforts were so bad that I even placed an insolent young nurse on supply duty for the remainder of the afternoon.
The new addition to our staff, Lieutenant Gail Brown, was maybe in her mid-twenties and fresh from the States. She had been trouble from the start and that was what worried me and Margaret. While perfect in the OR and everywhere in-between (like Post-Op, where we had been when she irritated me), she was also mouthy, rude, crude and very crash. And this coming from the worst there was and hanging with the doctors!
"Oh, come off it, Captain," Kellye moaned after I issued another order to her after Nurse Brown was sentenced. It was also past the Mess Tent hour for our afternoon food. "When is lunch?"
"Whenever I say so," I countered tartly when Margaret passed. "Back to work!"
I went back to my job of scrubbing the walls and pulling dirty sheets off of the beds with the enlisted personnel. Margaret had also assigned me to check on everyone else after I was through. While not relishing the idea of heading right back into the heat of battle (namely the OR), I still had some finishing touches in there. Finally, when I decided that enough was enough and that the disinfectant was giving me a headache, I headed into the next disaster.
The first thing I heard upon entry in the OR was BJ singing as he and Hawkeye cleaned the tanks. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen…"
"I know," Hawkeye replied.
"Somebody knows the trouble I've seen."
"This thing has knocked out more guys than Joe Louis." Hawkeye held up the empty mask. "The winner and still champion –"
"Captain, may I be excused?" Klinger interjected, looking at me. "My nylons are baggin' all around the knees."
I was about to say something sharp, but Margaret reentered and beat me to the punch. "Corporal, you're gonna have to do better than this. I want this floor clean enough to eat off."
"Easy," BJ warned me. He saw the look in my eyes.
"It's already cleaner than the tables in the Mess," Klinger protested to Margaret.
"Keep scrubbing!" the head nurse screamed at the crossdresser.
"Ah, what a festive mood people get in at a GI Party," Love observed.
"Oh, shut up!" BJ and I yelled simultaneously.
Frank soon joined in on the fun, which made everything worse. Addressing Margaret and myself, he said pleasantly enough, "Major Houlihan, Captain Morrison, I hope you and your nurses are going a good job."
"We can hold up our end," Margaret defended. "Why don't you go and hold up yours?"
"And get out of here!" I added without a second thought.
"Very well." Frank finally saw defeat in two strong women and went to Hawkeye and BJ. "When you finish checking that machine, check it again."
Margaret and I rolled our eyes collectively and let the action roll. "Frank, how long are you gonna be here?" BJ began.
"Ten minutes."
BJ turned to Hawkeye. "Wake me when he's gone." He inhaled from the mask.
"Those aren't even connected!"
"Told you this was a 'tankless' job."
"You crazy guy!"
"Frank, go make yourself useful," Hawkeye jumped in.
"I'm a supervisor," Frank retorted. "I don't have to be useful."
"Well, you're doing a great job."
"Oh, go stuff a goose." Frank went back to Klinger. "Put a little elbow grease into that, Corporal!"
"I'm all out of elbow grease, Sir!" Klinger admitted.
"Don't talk back to me!"
And that was when Klinger saluted Frank with a mop, the tentacles slapping the officer in the face. "Yes, Sir!"
Frank was none too happy, shoving the wetness off of his face. "You did that on purpose, you Lebanese lout!"
"Hold it, hold it!" When the lone voice of our CO was sounded, we all grew defensive and quite silent. "What's goin' on here?"
"I saw the whole thing," Hawkeye announced. "Frank tried to eat Klinger's mop!"
Colonel Potter was not amused, turning to Frank. "Burns, I put you in charge of this detail."
"Doin' a great job, Colonel," Hawkeye continued as he worked innocently enough.
"He's already washed his face and his shirt," BJ added.
"At the same time."
"Why is it taking so long?" the colonel asked, rolling his eyes.
"Nobody's following orders," Frank whined, "and they're all grumpy."
"Not true," Love countered. "I'm Grumpy."
"He's Sneezy," BJ said.
"He's Bashful."
"She's Dopey."
"Wash your mouth!" Margaret ordered when she realized who BJ was referring to.
"Ok, ok." The colonel put his hands up in surrender. "Just get it done. Let's all try to get along."
"Get along, little doggie," BJ sang.
"I had a long little doggie once," Hawkeye informed his friend. "It was a dachshund."
"Oh, a little hot dog. What happened to him?"
"He got mustered out."
"I relish these conversations!"
"Will you knock off the silliness?" Frank demanded.
Hawkeye was on a roll. "Knock yourself off, Goofball."
"I was invited to the Goof Ball, but I didn't have a thing to wear," BJ recounted.
"Colonel, they're making me sick," Margaret complained.
"Me too." The colonel sighed.
And that was when the arguments started again. Margaret was walking out and went right in Klinger's sloppy pathway. He screamed about her getting in the way and the hard work he put into it and she yelled back about respect and being an officer. When Klinger mentioned that Margaret was no gentlemen, the nurses (myself included) giggled. It didn't earn us points with the head grouch, but it broke some of our tension. It would be their prelude to joy though. From what I had heard, most of them would be heading off to Seoul to enjoy dinner with some high-ranking officers tonight.
I went about with the rest of my work from then on out. After Colonel Potter left the scene and Frank used his whistle to annoy us, everything went about as good as dancing in a minefield. We went through the rest of the afternoon with as much grace as we could and continued our OR duties. Towards the end, we heard a few announcements from Colonel Potter himself. The first was the mail – it was here! With a few cheers, our mood improved and the heavy load lightened greatly.
The second announcement was about some movie. The CO did not want to divulge the title until dinnertime (since lunch was passed and being served as we sat), but he promised us a good time and that it would be a treat. While he and Radar argued over the PA system, we finished up and headed back to the Swamp. It was hardly relaxing as the three men argued once more, even if news from home was welcome. I mean, the letters from home were a delight and hearing from my brother was always a treat. Dean was nowhere in sight as he was in Musan with my father (another bit of bad news), but he had left me the biggest pile of all.
I literally ran through Dean's quick correspondence in a flash, all the while listening to Hawkeye and BJ moan and groan about their respective gifts from the past to each other and Peg's apple crumb pie. Dean was in and out of the area and Colonel Coner was nothing more than a lousy CO who did nothing for the men. It was the usual spew and nothing new. However, a detail caught my attention and it wasn't something I would normally see. Colonel Potter would though.
Jeanie, the rumor mill has been bad here, made worse by Colonel Coner (well, he is the cause of this misery). The experiment the Army created might soon come to an end as more men are needed here in the action. M*A*S*H units are receiving notifications that their guards are being sent elsewhere. We might not be with you for much longer.
Dean was blunt about this new prospect and continued on from there. He wasn't too pleased. It meant less time with me, more time at the front and more strenuous conditions (as if he wasn't trained for it to begin with). However, the morale of his men was more of a concern. Being here was like on vacation. There was less shooting and more relaxation. While the men had no choice but to fight in wars like this, it did not seem so fair to change their assignments so far into it and refuse any reason why. I think I knew who the culprit was though.
Colonel Coner.
That was no surprise. Feeling that a new shocker was in order, I decided that dinner was worth it. My stomach growled in anticipation for the cramps I was bound to have. While the assistant cook had gotten better with his cuisine (after the cook got food poisoning and we grounded him for the time being), I was in no mood to deal with my brother's problems any further. It would be our concern once the 43rd left the area for good and then a constant worry for me, but that would be another tale for another night. I wanted out of the male-infested rat hole.
Darkness had started to slink around and the sun decided to peek out one last time. As I sulked in the Mess Tent, waiting in line and sitting down with food I hardly ate, I waited for Hawkeye and BJ to show up. Frank and Margaret and then Father Mulcahy sat down at the same table eventually as well. While another argument struck up before the colonel headed in, I opted to remain out of it. I was more interested in keeping my head down, especially since the nurses had been shooting me dirty looks since I left the Swamp.
Finally, Colonel Potter arrived and waved his hands for attention. "Maybe I have you attention please?" When the tent quieted down, he continued. "I know you've been working hard this week and you've got a case of the cranks. I'm confident tonight's entertainment will make new men out of ya…except for you women."
Margaret would have had a word in, but the colonel stopped her dead. The Mess Tent was chuckling. Even I was. Hawkeye even inched his fingers somewhere it didn't belong in public. I would have swatted his hands had the proclamation not started up again.
"This movie's a classic," Colonel Potter reassured us in a tone that told us otherwise. "It's got the three things that make a movie great – horses, cowboys and horses. You might've guessed, it's a western. It's called – now, hold onto your hats – My Darling Clementine."
It didn't take long for the whole place to light up. Like a moth drawn to the flame, everyone was attracted to the wonders of the movie brought to us by the CO. Even Hawkeye giggled like a child and even argued with Frank about the puerile behavior. Distracted at last by something other than the smell of my pants, I parted ways with him, crossing my legs here and there to hide the discomfort. I followed the colonel outside, this time to talk about Dean. I wasn't going anywhere without an answer.
"Colonel," I huffed as I tossed my tray to one side and caught up with him. "Colonel, can I talk to you about –"
The CO stopped and silenced me with one hand. "If this has to do with your brother, I do not want to hear about it, Jeanie. There isn't anything I can do about it."
"Sir, you don't understand –"
"I understand war as well as you do, Captain, and let me tell you. The Army needs men where they need them. Your brother needs to understand that too."
"Colonel Coner is ruining him, Sir, him and his men and a million other things."
Colonel Potter sighed, shaking his head in a negative way like I was bringing up a skeleton that was best left buried. He even put a comforting hand on my shoulder in a fatherly manner. "Army routine, Captain. Just mind your business for now. We'll talk later."
When he left me, I was feeling bereft. The only person who might have helped me find some resolution told me to tell it to myself for now. Fine, I would have believed, if I was not Flagg's spy previously. This made my skin crawl, worse than I ever had the itch before. If the movie was a sign that the outside world would be all right, then Dean's letter indicated what reality was truly. I would have to wait until later. Time and patience were key.
In the meantime, My Darling Clementine would have to do. I waited for Hawkeye to find me and we sat patiently, anxious for the Mess Tent to be set up for the entertainment. By the time seven o'clock rolled around, night had fallen and we were watching a western that was grabbing our attention more than a certain hand crawling down my shirt. While warm and close to Hawkeye and with BJ eying us like a mother hen, I too was stuck by the all-star cast…until splices in the film stopped it about an hour in. That was when Colonel Potter had us doing the community song.
I was waltzing, with my darling,
To the Tennessee Waltz,
When an old friend
I happened to see.
Introduced him to my true love.
And while they were dancing,
My friend stole my sweetheart
From me, I remember the night…
Despite our pleas, Klinger fixed the movie and we were back in the saddle again (no pun intended). Hawkeye stopped the singalong and we were transfixed upon the next scenes that unfolded, from the silent treatments to the rainy scene at the seedy hotel. A few minutes later though, we were down on our luck – the bulb in the projector went out!
"Klinger, you moron!" Hawkeye yelled.
When everyone started complaining, the crossdresser had to say something. "I blew the bulb. It's not my fault! Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?"
When the jokes about earrings and Mrs. Edison ensured, we all missed out Father Mulcahy pushing his piano from the Officers' Club in. When Colonel Potter told him to distract us from Klinger, we all started a song that totally got us in a better mood. The refrain (and everyone joining in except for Frank) even got me in a jolly and ignorant state of mind, grinning like the rest of them when we sang.
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life.
Gee, Mom, I wanna go home!
By the end of the song, we were back in business…and out of it again. Colonel Potter again pulled another trick out of his hat and had Radar do movie star imitations. When there was a pause, Frank decided to put in his two cents about our previous rambunctious activity, only threatening to stabbing BJ and Hawkeye in the heart with a scalpel. Embarrassment hit Major Malpractice pretty hard, prompting something totally different and the attention away from him. Hawkeye pulled Father Mulcahy's hat and announced the sound-alike contest. While the good Padre took it in good stride, he still did not find it amusing.
Of course, it was no matter. When boredom hit again, Margaret started her song and had Father Mulcahy play anything to make herself a sexual spotlight. She got so carried away that her song went right into the movie. It was back on and nearing its end anyway. The shootout was coming up. It was obvious that the pressure cooker was about to explode and we were going to witness the finale.
Uh-oh. This don't look good.
There's going to be a shootout.
Wait'll they get closer, ya fools.
Phin, cover your brother…
Look out, Doc! LOOK OUT!
The excitement was so tense that we all felt that we were a part of it. We got so carried away by the ending that we had our own fight along with the actors that mesmerized us for the few precious hours away from the war. Pretending that we were the cowboys with the weapons, we started gunning each other down and dying. Margaret and I had it out with each other, pinning Kellye in-between our madness, and soon was down and supposedly wounded. The head nurse even decided to pretend she was queen of the corral and take everyone else out, dramatically falling in a heap on the floor with myself and Kellye, all the while laughing as the ending showed us a familiar figure we saw daily.
My boys…Ike, Sam, Phin, Billy! They're dead!
A lone voice woke us all up from the reverie soon enough. "Wounded! We got wounded!"
That got us up and were rolling quickly. With the movie done anyway, we were back in business and pulling in soldiers that had faced battles that we only saw on the silver screen. I could not keep track of the action itself because it was a motion that I had gone through for many months now, but I did recall the magic of the minutes we had away from it. Transfixed upon the blood and the men that drained their bodies of it, I worked with Hawkeye. After a few hours, when he started on his millionth patient, he started singing the opening tune of the movie. Soon, everyone was joining in.
In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner forty-niner
And his daughter, Clementine.
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,
Oh, my darling Clementine.
You are lost and gone forever.
Dreadful sorry, Clementine…
And all the time, I thought about Dean…and our horrible family curse.
With many songs known from the era, this chapter was based on the season 5 episode "Movie Tonight".