A/N: Hello darlings,
here I am with the next chapter :)
Sorry for the little delay...I got caught up in Halloween shenanigans etc.
And of course I've been enjoying the warm fall weather out with the wolfies.
Anyway...I'm back.
I want to thank everyone, who took the time to read and review once again, because it means so much to me to see your reactions to each chapter.
Why?
Because writing this story is bleeding me dry, honestly. As I said once - my whole heart is in this story and it is truly draining at times - to keep writing.
Not because I don't enjoy it, but because the emotional turmoil of my characters is affecting me too.
Sometimes I really have to take a break and a step back from it so I don't forget about the big picture - because that can't happen. Simply because that would mean I would drown in the darkness of my characters and that would ruin the story too. Like throwing them together carelessly.
Neither the one, nor the other will happen - not if I can avoid it.
Thanks to Hyacinth for the lovely review. I'm glad that you enjoy the plot as it is :)
The-Writer2012, I agree. You pointed something out that I've seen happening for a while now too. And it will. You're very attentive, awesome :)
A big thanks to javalover27 for her continued support and reviews - love it! and for keeping in touch on twitter, which was very sweet of you.
Thanks to Odessa for the kind words once again - and I'll look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for considering to creating an account.
To all the other guest reviewers - thanks for taking the time to review. You are awesome, every single one of you. I can't reply to you privately since you are not logged in, but know that I appreciated every word.
Hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween...happy first of November!
And on with the story...
Much love to all of you xo
TAKE ME TO WONDERLAND
Chapter 32
Regina had fallen asleep only seconds after she had made it to her bed, much to her own surprise, because she had been sure she would not be able to sleep at all.
But obviously the events of the evening had taken even more of a toll on her than she had thought.
When she woke up she realized that she had not slept too long though since it was not even 8 am.
She also realized that she had not felt that miserable in a long time and yet she also felt so utterly relieved, it was truly ridiculous.
If she was honest Regina was glad that the truth was finally out, but at the same time it scared her to death.
She was in love with Emma.
And Emma was in love with her.
That was a good thing.
Well, usually that was a good thing.
But it was not nearly as simple for her, nothing was ever simple for her since Daniel.
Of course Emma was right – she had come so far, they had come so far together.
And she would never know what could be if she would not risk it.
Regina just was not sure if she was willing to risk it, if she could handle risking it in the first place.
She needed time to think, needed time to come to terms with this whole situation before she could make a decision and she was grateful that Emma would give her that time.
But there was this one question that would not leave Regina alone anyway.
Their feelings were mutual, they were in love with each other and she was not sure if they could go back to simply being friends again with that knowledge.
What if telling each other the truth would ultimately tear them apart?
And although she knew she should not do it she headed for Emma's penthouse anyway.
She needed to see her, needed to talk to her, needed some kind of reassurance they would survive this – as a family.
Emma stared at her packed bags, wondering if it was the right thing to do to leave in all this chaos.
She needed the time though, because everything was so overwhelming at this point that she could not go on without taking a break.
Without taking a moment to breathe.
A knock on the door startled her out of her thoughts and Emma made the few steps to open said door, just to find Regina standing in front of her.
The brunette's eyes fell onto the bags and Emma could see fear washing over Regina's face instantly.
"I'm going to the cabin, remember?" Emma stated carefully and it took the brunette a moment to register those words before she nodded, "You're leaving early..."
"Yeah, checked the weather report earlier and it said there are some nasty storms coming...so I thought I better leave while the weather is still good", Emma shrugged helplessly.
For a few minutes they stood there in silence, both of them contemplating what to say.
It was Regina who broke the spell in the end, "When will you come back? Two or three days you said, right?"
"Uhm...well...the thing is...with the weather and all...Mary Margaret is clearing my schedule as we speak...I might stay a bit longer...", Emma replied, uncomfortably shifting her weight from foot to foot and back.
Regina's face fell even more, "I see."
"Please...Regina...", Emma started and reached out with a shaking hand to take Regina's, "Please understand...I feel horrible for leaving...but we need it, don't we? Time apart I mean...we have a lot to think about...the both of us."
The brunette's head dropped, "You're right and I know that...but...that doesn't mean I have to like it, now do I?"
Emma gave Regina's hand a soft squeeze, "No, I guess you don't have to like it. And let me tell you...I don't like it either."
That statement brought a small smile to both of their faces.
"I better get going", Emma said and let go of Regina's hand, missing the simple contact immediately, "I'll try to call you once I'm at the cabin...but don't freak out if you don't hear from me...because last time I was there...there was zero phone reception...but maybe they've improved things in the area by now."
Regina's heart sank even more.
So that meant that she probably would not be able to talk to Emma at all while she was gone.
Oh God...
"Tamo-tsu is out on the balcony...or should I take him with me?" the blonde asked all of a sudden and Regina almost jumped, "No...no, it's fine. I look forward to taking him on a walk or two."
Emma nodded, grabbed her bags and headed for the door, "Could you please lock up when you leave? You can stay though...whatever you feel like...you have a key after all."
Regina nodded as well, "Be safe, Emma. I'll see you...well...when you come back."
"Take care of yourself, Regina. See you soon."
The blonde turned and headed for the door, but Regina's words made her stop, "Emma...will...will we be okay?"
Regina looked as desperate as she sounded and Emma had trouble turning around once again to face the brunette, but she did it in the end, "I don't know."
It was the truth, because she really did not know and maybe that was what made it hurt so much.
Regina had to close her eyes when Emma finally stepped out of the penthouse, kept her eyes shut when she heard the door close, battling with the feeling of loss.
All this time she had been scared that she would lose Emma, but when she opened her eyes again to stare at the penthouse door she realized that she probably already had.
Henry had sensed right away that something was wrong when he had come home in the afternoon and although Regina had not wanted to tell him about the mess she was currently in he had not backed off and she had given in in the end.
Of course in a child friendly version, but he got the concept of the problem at hand.
There was no point in lying to her son anyway.
And Henry surprised her once again.
"I get it, mom. You're scared that things don't work out...and that you'll lose Emma. But I don't think you will", Henry stated after thinking about what his mother had told him for a while.
"You can't know that, Henry."
"Mom, we are talking about Emma. She has never given up on us...on you...even when you were not really nice to her...she always came back. Why would she give up now? We are family...even if the two of you are not together...we'll always be a family."
Henry sounded so convinced and grown up, it startled Regina for a moment. Maybe he was right?
"It is your decision to make...and I know that. But mom...I want you to know...whatever you decide...I'll always love you. And if...for some reason...things with Emma don't work out...I'll still love you. Because you are my mom...and I'm proud of you."
Regina hugged him close, a tear sliding down her cheek, "I love you too, Henry. More than anything."
The first few days of Emma's absence had been okay. Kind of.
No.
Whom was she kidding?
It had been pure hell from the moment Emma had left.
She missed Emma in a way she had never missed anyone before and the more time went by the more she could feel it.
But at least she had Henry, who tried everything to cheer her up and distract her and sometimes he even succeeded.
Work was helpful too, because it kept her busy during the day and in the evening they would take Tamotsu for long walks, chatting about God and the world and Henry sharing his excitement over his camping trip with David and Mary Margaret.
The worst hours were the ones where she would lie awake, trying to fall asleep – to no avail, because all Regina could think about was Emma and their completely messed up situation.
And the more she thought about it the more confused she got.
Needless to say that Regina was not closer to answering the question what she wanted than when Emma had left and it frustrated her to no end.
By the time Thursday came around and Henry left for his long awaited camping trip with Mary Margaret and David things only got worse.
No more distracting chats with her son, no more deflecting.
She had not heard a word from Emma in days and it made Regina's heart ache in ways she had never experienced before.
Deep down she had hoped that Emma would be back before Henry would leave, but obviously she had no such luck.
And Regina found herself wishing more and more for a way of contacting Emma to beg her to come home.
To come back to her.
She had even tried to call Emma once, or maybe twice, just to be greeted by the blonde's voicemail.
Regina felt like crying, but then again – she had cried so much over the last few weeks that she was sick of it.
She needed to focus and she needed to make a decision, because Emma might be gone, but she would return eventually.
And by then she better had a clue about what she expected to happen now that the truth was out, so they could face the consequences head on.
But she would not be able to sort it out all by herself and Regina knew it.
Where she would have tried to ignore that fact in the past she would not do it this time – simply because she had friends now.
Friends she could turn to, friends that would help her and stay with her, hold her hand if necessary – and no, it was not just Emma.
And in this moment she was truly thankful for that, because clearly she could not talk to Emma about this. At least not yet.
First she needed to put things into perspective.
That was why she called Killian a few minutes later, asking him if he would be available for dinner and some advise and he agreed before Regina had been able to finish her sentence, much to her relief.
He would head right over and the knowledge alone calmed Regina's nerves immensely.
She would not be alone in this.
Dinner had went well and they had talked about some projects that were ahead at work, but then Regina had not been able to keep quiet any longer and she had told Killian about recent events with Emma.
He had not been too surprised to hear that the blonde was in love with her, which had her scoff for a moment, but then again – Emma and Killian had been friends forever.
Of course he had seen it or at least suspected it.
Now they were sitting on the living room couch, Killian watching her every blink, waiting for Regina to continue.
When she did not say anything for about ten minutes he cleared his throat carefully, "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours, love? You are in love with Emma and Em is in love with you...you should be celebrating, not spending time apart..."
"It's not that easy", Regina whispered and sighed.
"Because you're making it complicated", Killian replied, eyeing Regina expectantly.
She shook her head, "No, I don't...well, maybe I do...a little. But Killian...you need to understand...I...I have a really shitty past...and it's not that Emma doesn't understand it...because she does...as far as she is capable of...she knows it all...but...there are things...things I can't handle...because of that past...and that would affect our relationship too..."
"You are talking about physical abuse, don't you?" the question was out of his mouth before he could have stopped himself, "I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that...it's none of my business...I just...well, I figured...because of what happened...when...when I tried to...you know...grab your arms..."
Regina dropped her head in shame, "Yeah. It's a lot more complicated than that though."
Killian nodded in understanding, "That's nothing to be ashamed of, love. I'm sorry you had to go through whatever it was you experienced...clearly it has been pretty bad if you still react so strongly to it...nobody should suffer through something like that. But you and Emma...I've seen you hug...or squeezing each others hands...so, you are comfortable with her...on some level...aren't you?"
"I am. It took a while though..." Regina admitted weakly, "But you know...relationships are more than holding hands and occasional hugs...and I don't know if I'll ever get to a point where I can handle more than that...I mean I can barely deal with my feelings...with being in love with Emma...but the physical thing...that's...a completely different thing altogether..."
Killian seemed lost in thought for a moment, "So, the problem is...that you have some issues...with physical contact...and that you don't know if you'll ever be able to have sex with Emma...in case you would decide to give this a try...is that correct, love?"
Regina hesitated for a second, but then she nodded, "Yes. It's not the only aspect to consider, but it's the biggest problem I'd say. Of course we have to consider Henry and our friendship...there are so many risks...and I'm not sure if I'm willing to take them...but even if I would be...even if I would dare and risk it...what if we end up realizing that I'll never be okay with Emma touching me...or me touching Emma...what if we are happy, but can't get over that particular obstacle...I mean...all this feelings scare the hell out of me, but I'm getting better in that department...but the physical thing would be an experiment so to speak...and it might as well fail...and then what?"
"Can I ask you a question, Regina?"
She looked at him in confusion, not sure where Killian wanted to take this conversation.
But then again she had called him for advise, for help and that was what he was trying to do, right?
"Go ahead."
"Are you attracted to Emma?"
Well, that was the last question Regina would have expected and she had to admit that she had no idea. She had not really thought about it until now.
Yes, Emma was a beautiful woman, stunning even. And there might have been one or two occasions, especially while Milah had been around, where she had wished that Emma would be kissing her...but she had not thought about having sex with anyone in forever.
Not since Daniel and what he had done to her.
"I...I don't know...I thought about...kissing her...and I guess it didn't scare me as much as I thought it would...but I've never imagined...you know...but Emma is beautiful...I think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen..." Regina said after a few moments of consideration.
"So you are not outright disgusted by the mere thought of kissing her...or her touching you...your thoughts did not send you into a panic attack or anything, correct?" Killian wanted to know.
Regina took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
And for a moment she could see it.
Emma's fingertips sliding down her arm, the gesture soft and caring. Loving.
She gasped when she opened her eyes again, "No, I don't think so. I know Emma would never hurt me. It's just...there has always been this irrational fear...that people would stop being nice at some point...like he did...and that everything would turn into pure hell once again."
"I understand", Killian replied, reaching his hand out to offer it to Regina.
She took it slowly and he squeezed it reassuringly, "It makes sense...but you are right. Emma would never hurt you...I was wondering..."
"What?" Regina looked at him, curiosity shining in her eyes, but also worry.
"Love, you have to know that I mean well...I don't want to offend you or anything...but have you ever thought about...about going to therapy? About seeing a psychiatrist? Maybe they could help you deal...with everything you've been through", he stated carefully.
Regina sighed, "I've thought about it...back then when Henry was still an infant...but I couldn't afford it...maybe I should consider it after all..."
Killain grabbed into his pocket, retrieved his wallet and pulled a business card out of it, "In case you want to go for it...call Wendy. She's a good friend of mine...I'm sure if you mention that I've sent you...she'll make an appointment for you right away."
Regina took the card from his hand and studied it for a moment.
Maybe she would call this Wendy Darling.
At least she would think about it.
"How do you know her?"
Killian laughed, "Did her make up for a few events of course. But the first time I met her I was there to see her father...he was a psychiatrist too."
Regina's eyes grew wide, "You were in therapy?"
Killian nodded, "Yes. I went through some shit too when I was younger...it's not easy being gay...well, it was even harder back then when I was a teenager. But he helped me a great deal...and I'm glad I found the courage to seek help in the first place..."
"I'm sorry", this time it was Regina who squeezed Killian's hand.
"It's alright, love. It's all in the past now...I worked hard and I got what I wanted...mostly", he stated with a smile, "Which reminds me...what do you want, Regina? All your issues aside...if you did not have to worry about them...what do you want?"
She expected to need a moment or two to think about a proper answer, but the words just started to fall from her lips immediately, "I want Emma to come home. God, I miss her so much...you have no idea. It hurts. I mean I miss Henry too...but that's different. He's my son and I always miss him when he is not around...but Emma...I crave her presence...she makes me feel safe and warm...content. I want her to come back and...if my stupid past wouldn't be in the way...I guess I'd want to be with her, because I can't imagine to be without her...now that she is gone and I can't even hear her voice...I've realized how much I truly want her in my life...I want her...to be with me. With no one else."
There it was.
The truth she had tried to deny for so long, but now it was out.
And like before it could not be unsaid.
"Well, darling...I think you don't need me to tell you what that means...because you've already figured it out. The answer to your question I mean. The question you really need to answer is...what are you willing to do to get there? To make it happen. Because clearly there's a piece of work ahead of you."
Regina nodded in understanding.
She would have to give this some real thought, because she was aware that she had to go to great lengths to get to where she wanted to be.
When she showed up at work on Monday she was quite anxious – for different reasons.
Emma had not returned from the cabin until now and she began to worry about the blonde and her well being.
But the main reason was that she had thought about everything she had talked to Killian about Thursday night and after several long walks with Tamotsu to clear her mind she had called this Wendy Darling, who had agreed to see her this afternoon.
She would have never expected to get an appointment that fast, but once Wendy had learned that Killian had told Regina to call her in the first place it had all happened so fast.
And she was glad, because she had waited long enough.
She only hoped that she had not waited too long.
"Is everything alright, love?" Killian appeared right next to her with a cup of coffee in hand and she took it gratefully, "Thanks. You are the best...any chance I can leave half an hour early today?"
"Sure thing, darling. Is Emma back home?"
Regina shook her head, "Sadly no. But I have an appointment with Wendy."
A smile appeared on Killian's face, "I see. Good for you, love. Just let me know once you are ready to leave and it will be fine."
"You are the best boss that exists, you know that, right? And an even better friend", Regina stated, tears welling in her eyes.
"You're welcome, love. Anytime", he turned to leave, but then he stopped dead in his tracks and turned again to face a confused Regina, "You are in charge friday afternoon, because I need to go to the airport...I trust you can handle that fashion shoot by yourself..."
"What? You want me to...to...the others will never accept that..." Regina sounded as insecure as she felt.
"Then make them...I know you can. And I really need to go to the airport..." Killian on the other side sounded completely convinced.
"What are you doing at the airport anyway?"
Killian smirked, "I have to pick up a Neal Cassidy...appearantly he was a friend of Graham's...and that sneaky bastared convinced him to plan the fairlytale wedding of our little pixie haired Snow White...from what I understood it's Graham's gift to the happy couple..."
"He got them a wedding planner?" Regina chuckled.
"Not just a wedding planner...Neal Cassidy seems to be one of the best."
Her first session with Doctor Wendy Darling had been painful, but it had also lifted a heavy weight off of her shoulders.
Especially since the psychiatrist was positive that they could work on Regina's issues, that there was hope for her to get better.
They had agreed upon a schedule that would work in Regina's favor – she would go see Wendy Darling once a week on Wednesdays after work, which was perfect, because Wednesdays she usually finished early and it was also Wednesdays Henry went over to spend time with David right after school so she would not have to worry about that either.
Yes, things started to look up for Regina and she felt like hugging the world.
That was until she unlocked her apartment door.
Because once she caught sight of Emma, who looked like hell, dark circles under her eyes, a certain loss of weight clearly evident, Regina's heart dropped.
"Emma..."
It was barely a whisper.
"Regina...we need to talk."