Notes: This update was originally posted on the original story thread on Christmas Day - so think of it as our "Christmas Special".
Tyrion (II)
The shameful rut of mud and filth and horseshit that passed for the Kingsroad in these parts stretched on for mile and miles. But according to Yoren, they were now less than a day's ride from Winterfell. And not a bloody day too soon, thank the Seven, thought the Halfman to himself.
Tyrion could feel the itch again – the kind of itch in the loins that a man could get from not having been able to, ahem, properly relieve himself for over a month. And by "properly relieve", what Tyrion meant of course was to traipse off to the local "house of the rising sun". Given that his hosts and travel companions for these last few weeks were all strictly bound by a vow of lifetime celibacy (well, give or take a few liberal interpretations), Tyrion had felt compelled not to indulge in his usual mannerisms, as that would have been just plain rude and in poor taste. Tyrion Lannister was many things to many people, but ungrateful and disrespectful to a gracious host was not one of them – sorry, but on that front, Cersei and Joffrey were already pulling the weight for the entire family.
But they would be at Winterfell soon enough, and Tyrion decided that he wouldn't mind enjoying the Starks' hospitality for a couple days before recuperating his strength for the next leg of the journey south. Perhaps a bathe in the hot springs, a session with one of those delectable Northgirls, and, of course, the chance to marvel at one of those newest toys Lord Stark had purchased from the foreigners. Now, the Wall may have been impressive, but it was at least something conceivable within Tyrion's worldview – after all, every castle had walls, right? But some of the things these foreigners brought were something completely different and out-of-context to anything he had ever seen or imagined, and he had to wonder sometimes which he would remember better years from now: the Wall, or the Sky-People?
And yes, even in a land as vast and sparse as the North, news of the foreigners could travel like wildfire, as Commander Mormont certainly seemed to know of them, and had pestered Tyrion to no end with questions of just who exactly were these people, and what were they like.
They had made good progress over the last two weeks since departing Castle Black. Granted, it was a smaller party, and all on horseback: aside from the Halfman himself, there were also his two household retainers Jyck and Morrec, Yoren, and four of Yoren's black brothers. But it was a good company too… or at least preferable by far to that horrid sister of his, and that little monster of a boy who passed for his nephew. Tyrion had to wonder sometimes what would happen if and when he finally sat upon the Iron Throne...
"M'lord," called Yoren from the front of the party, "dust in the distance; riders approaching, m'lord."
"Ah-ha!" smiled Tyrion, "Winterfell must have gotten advance word of my arrival then. Good. I hope they'll have a room and spot of tea ready for me when I arrive."
"That don't appear to be the case, m'lord," said Yoren, starkly.
"I beg your pardon?" said the Halfman.
"Look," replied Yoren, pointing ahead.
As the dust cloud grew ever closer and closer, Tyrion could see that it was not quite what he was expecting – no, it wasn't a party on horseback at all… it was that horseless carriage of the foreigners, the "Wild Cat"! Oh, Tyrion had such fond memories of that machine… NOT. The vehicle was now no more than a few hundred feet away, and he could make out that there were two figures seated within it – one he recognized as the squire to Lord Kovacs. The other was a new face Tyrion had never seen before, and easily the tallest woman he had ever seen. The horseless carriage came screeching to a halt about fifty feet from the party.
"Greetings," said Tyrion as he watched the two figures dismount from their transport. "Ser Daniel of House Zimmerman, what an unexpected surprise to see you. To what do I owe the pleasure?" He turned to face Ser Daniel's accompaniment. "And who, may I ask, are you?"
"Greetings, Mr. Lannister," replied Ser Daniel, "this is Lady Vaenya, a courtesan to the House of Teller."
"Greetings, Mr. T. Lannister Jr.," said the Lady, "Assistant Director Zimmerman and I were instructed by Director Kovacs to receive you while you were en route to Winterfell."
"Oh?" said Tyrion, "how so?"
Daniel continued: "we heard that you were in the area. So on behalf of the 'Most Noble and Esteemed Company', we'd like extend an invitation to you to come once again and visit our premises. We believe we have a few things that might interest you. That, and we're also holding a small feast tonight to celebrate a little tradition from where we come from. We'd be honored if you would join us."
"I thank you greatly for your gracious offer, Ser Daniel," replied the Halfman. He stole a quick glance at Yoren… "but I'm afraid that my dear travel companion here is on a busy schedule to reach the capital."
"Oh, don't worry about that, Mr. Lannister," said Ser Daniel. "Mr. Kovacs will be returning to King's Landing in a few days time, and has offered you a seat aboard the Falcon – well, if you have the stomach for it, that is."
Tyrion could well remember his first encounter with the Wild Cat, and from what he had heard, these Falcon-ships were far worse – hurtling through the skies like a bolt of lightning, hundreds of times faster than any raven could fly. Whatever sickness he had derived from his experiences with the Cat would undoubtedly be magnified a dozen over. But, that said, the Halfman had to admit that he was also curious to try out this Falcon-ship for himself. If his darling sister could handle it, why not him too? And to be entirely honest, if an hour or two of sickness could save him two months on the Kingsroad… sure, why not!
"Ser Yoren," said Tyrion, turning to face the grizzled black brother, "it is been the utmost pleasure to have had your companionship for these last two weeks… but I'm afraid that something has come up. Here, please keep my good mount as a parting gift – we Lannisters always pay our debts after all. Oh, and please give my warmest regards to the Stark Household, especially to Lady Catelyn. I do wish her son a speedy recovery."
"Very well, m'lord," replied Yoren, "t'was an honor having you."
"As to you two," said Tryion, turning to face Jyck and Morrec. He handed them a small pouch… "here, this should be enough gold to last you back to the Rock. And a little extra. Have a couple rounds of ale on me, you've earned it."
"Thank you, m'lord," said Jyck.
Ser Daniel spoke up: "Mr. Yoren. You and your men are also invited to join us for the feast if you're interested. I would offer you a ride to the capital on our Falcon too, if we could spare the extra seats."
"I thank you kindly, Ser Daniel", replied Yoren, "but do not worry for us. We are sworn brothers of the Night's Watch. The Kingsroad is a pleasant summer afternoon in the Godswood next to the things we find beyond the Wall."
"As you wish," said Daniel.
It took Tyrion quite a bit of effort to climb up and into the backseat of the Cat, but at last he made it. He then turned to face his hosts who were seated in front: "so, may I ask what exactly is this occasion you are commemorating?"
"To answer your inquiry, Director T. Lannister Jr.," began the woman, "today is December 25 in Earth's Gregorian Calendar, which marks the date traditionally believed to mark the birth of the organic historical figure referred to as 'Jesus Christ' (although this is in fact a Latinization of the Hebrew name Yeshua, and the Greek title Khristos, meaning 'Messiah'). Prophet J. Christ is believed by his followers to have been the 'Son of God', and would go on to found Christianity, which continues to be the single largest religious denomination throughout Earth And The Colonies, although religious fervor across all major religions of organics have generally declined over the past few centuries."
"Um?" began Tyrion, "Uh... okay." He turned to face Ser Daniel... "What a... interesting assistant you have. She seems quite... knowledgeable, and very thorough."
"Oh, you don't know half of it!" smiled Daniel. "But to be entirely honest, more people nowadays care about the commercial and consumer aspects of Christmas than the religious aspects. And many of us aren't even Christians… or are Christians, but totally aren't serious about it at all. Anyway, point is, regardless of its meaning or significance, we all need an excuse sometimes to celebrate, you know, to get together and get totally wasted."
"Getting wasted?" said Tyrion, "I'm beginning to like the sound of this 'Christmas' already." With that, he sat back in the seat and settled in for the drive to Autumn's Frontier. Yes, this ride would be a lot more smooth and comfortable than his first encounter with the Cat…
As the horseless carriage sped off on its way along the new road to the foreigners' encampment, Tyrion turned around to catch a final glimpse of Yoren. He could also just barely make out in the distance the appearance of several riders, bearing the banner of the Starks. Ah, so Winterfell had sent a welcoming committee after all! Thought Tyrion. Well, next time...