Chapter Thirty-Four: "C'EST LE VIE"
The Enterprise-E, a nova-class starship with thirty-six decks, was home to 1,138 people, including crewmen and their families. At any given time, there were as many as three hundred passengers being transported from one world to another. The Enterprise by its own right was a small city, from its hierarchical structure to its close-knit families. For loyal officers, it offered job security. The nova-class starship was equipped with six holodecks and the Ten-Forward Lounge for entertainment. Anyone could be happy living on such a prestigious starship.
So why wasn't I happy with that life?
Many friendships had formed and romances had begun aboard the Enterprise. Captain Riker had even performed a couple wedding ceremonies. I'd attended these and many other social events during my twelve years aboard this starship and although I sometimes enjoyed the moment, I continued to find little satisfaction with my life.
Why?
In the months since he had left, Data continued to correspond with me from Earth, offering his tutelage from afar. In return, I'd agreed to not hide away inside my quarters or on the holodeck. In September, he sent me a birthday gift, a hardbound copy of Shakespeare's The Twelfth Night. In the accompanying card he wrote, Captain Picard taught me that Shakespeare was one of the greatest authors who ever lived. May you aspire toward greatness in your life. The classic story was about a set of twins who lost each other in a shipwreck. The girl dressed as a boy and the discovery of her brother led into a comedy of errors.
During our correspondence, he'd also asked that I spend time exploring the ship and that I try new activities. I'd participated in racquet ball, swimming, the theater group, and had helped out in the science lab and in stellar cartography. Data wanted me to make new friends, but he didn't realize that people could be indifferent toward someone who had accepted membership inside the Continuum. That was life, I mused, resigning to accept whatever came my way.
Data was my only friend.
Except Q. And I hadn't seen my guardian angel since his brief appearance on Q'ronos. I hoped he didn't think I needed a century to muse over his offer. Yet in the months he'd afforded me, I remained ambivalent about his offer. Could I be a great influence among the Q? I didn't understand how a girl who had only lived twelve years could persuade beings who had been around for millions of years.
So I'd stayed away from the Continuum.
Although I'd received several messages from Akodian diplomats beseeching me to reconsider their offer, I always declined. I didn't wish to spend my life playing their puppet. They argued that the ambassadorial position would provide me with great prestige throughout the galaxy. Did I want to become everyone's icon?
So I'd begun ignoring the Akodians as well.
Then I thought about the verse in which I had been born (or created, as Q claimed). As well intended as my parents were, they couldn't make me happy. They'd tried to remain alert to my needs in a desperate attempt to keep me attached to this verse. Sometimes I sensed their exacerbation over my demanding nature. Mother believed I was fickle and there were times when I agreed with her. When would I ever know what I wanted?
And so I trudged through this starship looking for the insight that would set my life's path into motion. I felt as though I was going nowhere. That was life...at least mine.
Normally when I worked in the science lab, I was supervised by a Vulcan named Lieutenant Commander Veros. Since Vulcans didn't allow emotions to impair their judgment, Veros was one of the few people who still tolerated me. Even Commander La Forge had requested that I no longer study in Engineering.
One day in November, Veros approached me at the door to inform me, "I have been ordered to participate in an away mission. You will be working with Ensign Raymond Gaunt today."
A young man, barely out of the Academy, was standing behind the Vulcan with his hands behind his back. The lanky ensign towered over Veros. Despite his size, he was apprehensive about being alone with me and eyed me suspiciously. Although I'd seen him inside the science lab several times in the past couple of weeks since he came aboard the Enterprise, we had never spoken. Undoubtedly, he probably had been informed about my reputation within hours of arriving. I would have to put him at ease if I was to work well with him. Smiling awkwardly, I wiped my sweaty palms against my jumpsuit. Why was I so worried about this boy's opinion of me? He was like everyone else on this ship. He was a little cuter than most, though.
Veros turned toward his subordinate and Gaunt immediately took a more appropriate stance, bringing his hands to his front. "Ensign, I trust you will leave your feelings out of today's work and treat Miss Rozhenko with the utmost respect." Had Gaunt voiced a reluctance to work with me? I probed his mind, but retreated quickly. I did not like the animosity festering his mind.
Gaunt cleared his throat and responded, "Of course, sir. You will have a complete report upon your return."
"Very well. You may begin analyzing the plant specimens brought aboard by yesterday's away team." The Vulcan commander walked away from us and after picking up a carrying case, he stepped out of the science lab.
"Follow me, Miss Rozhenko," the ensign said, briskly moving across the lab.
I had to practically run to keep up with him. "You can call me Shannara," I insisted. Others had referred to me by titles before. In fact, Veros had never called me by my first name, and although that did not bother me, I definitely wanted Ensign Raymond Gaunt to call me by my familiar. If only he would, maybe he'd get to know me instead of my reputation. "I don't like titles. They make me sound so formal and proper."
He glanced back at me and we nearly collided. "We wouldn't want anyone thinking you proper." His sarcasm made me suddenly doubt my ability to win his respect. "On the other hand, we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea either. Hmm. No. I think I'll stick to Miss Rozhenko."
Why couldn't I find anyone who liked me? I could be a bit brazen at times, but I had done nothing to harm anyone aboard the Enterprise. If they would let me, I would gladly make their lives easier. That was why I'd volunteered my assistance in this lab and in stellar cartography. Since I was not permitted to use the power of the Q, instead I plodded through hours of mundane work.
We stopped at a table laden with equipment and sat in one corner. Gaunt methodically explained what we were looking for in the samples. Our assignment was to scan for traces of barimen and extract the needed chemical. It was a delicate process. If the plant was not brought to exactly 49.2 degrees Celsius, the barimen could not be extracted and its molecular structure would collapse.
After nearly three hours, our work had met with little success. "I don't think we'll ever get enough this way," I said.
"For someone who's supposed to be superior, you have a defeatist attitude."
"Maybe that's because I know a much superior way to accomplish this," I replied haughtily. "Why should I accept such tedious work?" My nostrils flared and I felt my cheeks grow flush. I clenched and unclenched my fists to rid myself of the anger swelling inside me. I couldn't make friends by lashing out at people!
"If that's how you feel, then why do you bother volunteering for lab work? You know, I worked my butt off at the Academy, trying to get a little recognition. I'm one of the lucky few assigned to the Enterprise. You were born here and have no appreciation for what the flag ship of the Federation represents."
"I'm sorry," I said. "You are absolutely right. I've handled our first interaction poorly."
"Don't patronize me!" He didn't believe my apology was sincere. "Your kind never admit to being wrong."
My kind? Was he referring to the Q? Klingons? Or maybe females? Although I sensed his animosity toward me, I couldn't pinpoint its impetus. How did I convince him otherwise when he believed in stereotypes?
"If you're referring to my being Klingon or female, I can do nothing about either. If you hate me because I'm a Q, then you must fear me. I've never made friends or interacted well with others anyway. Maybe that's because I was taken out of a regular classroom at an early age and tutored by an android. The adults who care for me are trying to rectify that by encouraging me to get involved with ship's activities. That's why I'm here."
"The adults who care for you! If that's how you refer to your parents, with so little affection, maybe that's why no one wants to be your friend."
"I didn't mean only my parents; I meant Data and Captain Riker and others as well. Forget that I tried to help you understand. I'll leave you alone to your lab work and find something else to occupy the rest of my day."
He moved aside, too eager to let me past him. Almost reaching the exit, I instinctively turned back around. Gaunt had walked away from his lab table to speak with another first-year ensign, a Bajoran girl with long brunette hair. "Are you going to the party in Ten-Forward tonight?" he asked her, having already dismissed me.
"Of course," she replied. "I wouldn't miss the occasion to dance all night."
I rolled my eyes and wondered what was so special about this other girl that he liked her better than me. With a flick of my wrist, I used the power of the Q to fill the beaker with barimen. Let Gaunt chew on that for a while. Smirking, I left the lab and wandered around the ship. I turned myself invisible and spied on conversations. The main topic of the day was this party being held tonight in Ten-Forward. Although children were not supposed to go to Ten-Forward unless accompanied by an adult, I was not exactly the average child and frequently went there for lunch. Therefore, I saw no reason why I couldn't attend the party.
With that intention in mind, I found an unoccupied corridor and became visible again and headed toward my quarters to select the perfect dress for the event. After I stepped onto the turbolift and instructed the computer, my commbadge chirped.
"Captain Riker to Shannara."
"Yes, what is it?" I asked without proper formality. The news couldn't be good. The captain rarely paged me.
"I need to see you in my Ready Room right away." He sounded angry and as I probed him, I realized he was also disappointed.
"I'm on my way."
A couple minutes later, I stepped onto the bridge. I turned toward Father sitting at the command center. I was proud of his promotion and yet I was ambivalent about seeing him in control. Data should be there; my Father at tactical.
As he fixed me sternly, I did not need to probe Father to realize his displeasure with me. Scanning all the bridge officers, I sensed disappointment in me from them as well. I resided in this city called the Enterprise, but I was an outcast. This was not who I had planned to become or wanted to do with my life.
If I only knew what I wanted to do with my life.
I stepped inside the captain's Ready Room to find him standing by his viewwindow. He was so intent on his thoughts that he might not have heard me enter. As I approached him, he glanced quickly at me to acknowledge my presence then returned his gaze to the stars.
"I've known your parents for over twenty years," he told me. "The respect and trust I feel for them runs deeply. Since you are their daughter, I've extended that same trust freely to you. I've accepted your affiliation with the Q, even encouraged you to embrace the power of the Q, but you must use discretion."
"The barimen," I realized aloud. I hadn't given it a second thought since leaving the science lab. "What did I hurt? You need the chemical for medicine. I may have saved hundreds of lives today. You should be grateful."
Riker sighed. "Not everyone will be as open-minded about it. I watch you going about your daily tasks and I don't see you involved in much personal interaction. Crew members come to me complaining about your attitude. You can't treat them as inferior and expect them to like you. I've kept your status as a Q out of my official reports, but I worry that someone else, someone with a grudge against you, might approach Starfleet."
"I'm not evil like some of the other Q. Why can't people see that I'm only trying to help them?"
"While I realize that, I have to consider the needs of my crew. They are not comfortable around your wizardry and are frightened of what you're capable of. I don't want to ask you to leave this ship. It would devastate your parents. However, if you don't learn to curtail your Q behavior in the presence of the crew, I will insist."
"I Understand. All I can promise at this point is that I'll do what I think is right and if that warrants my departure, so be it. Am I dismissed?"
"For now."
I turned and as I walked out and across the bridge, I met no one's gaze. Father would undoubtedly want to talk with me this evening about how I must never again use the power of the Q. I had dishonored our family. Why did he entertaining the notion that he could ever change me? Anyway, I planned not to be home by the time he got off duty. As soon as I had a dress picked out, I'd be attending the party.
As I walked down the corridor, I imagined myself, almost fully developed, in a formal dress with a low neckline. I unzipped my jumpsuit a couple of inches and shook my hips as I strolled toward my quarters. A couple ensigns took notice of me along the way and I smiled flirtatiously at them. They shook their heads, laughed, and continued on their way. Who needs them? I thought. There was plenty other men on board this starship.
When I stepped into my quarters, I was surprised Mother was home. "Your brother's not feeling well," she explained. "So I let him come home early from school."
She wasn't aware of the incident in the science lab, I realized as I gently probed her mind. With relief, I contemplated how to use this to my advantage. "I'm sorry to hear that. I was invited to participate in a new play tonight, but if you need me to stay home and help you care for him-"
"No Shannara." I knew she'd refuse my offer. "You need to make friends."
"Great, then I better find a dress for the part." I turned toward my bedroom.
"What play will you be performing?"
I paused, catching my breath. "Ah, it's an original play. The director wrote it himself."
"It ought to be interesting. I'll look forward to watching you perform."
"I must get ready," I said before making it into my room. As the door closed behind me, I smiled. My plan was working. I could choose an elegant evening gown for the party without Mother becoming suspicious. There was nothing appropriate in my closet, of course, so I sat at my console and instructed the computer to present a slide show of dresses currently in vogue.
After I selected one that would make me look older, I ventured back out into the living area to replicate the design in blue. Fortunately, Mother was in Eric's room and not hovering over my shoulder to criticize my selection. As a precaution, I also replicated a long zippered jacket to wear over the evening gown until I arrived at the party. I didn't need Mother complaining about my cleavage.
I spent the next half hour in my room getting ready, primping my hair and selecting glamorous jewelry. Although I was not completely satisfied with the results, I walked away from the mirror with confidence. Father would be home soon and I didn't want him to see me dressed like this. After the science lab fiasco, I doubted he would believe my lie as easily as Mother.
Mother and Eric were sitting on the sofa when I re-entered the living area and I was glad I had thought to wrap a jacket over my shoulders. I pulled it in around my chest and zipped it to cover the low neckline.
"I take it you're feeling better," I said to my brother as I approached them. I tried to behave naturally, not wanting Mother to sense any trepidation from me.
Eric shrugged and leaned into Mother's ribs. He had to be sick, because he had never been one to sit and cuddle for long.
"Are you nervous?" Mother asked me.
"What?" I couldn't believe she had seen through my act this easily!
"About the play." Her suspicion was piqued. How could I have forgotten abut my scenario so easily? "It's natural to feel anxious about performing in front of an audience. What did you think I meant?"
"Oh," I said, relaxing. "What I was thinking? My mind is so befuddled. Anyway, we're just practicing our lines tonight, so there won't be any audience yet."
"Then why are you wearing your dress tonight? Don't you normally practice in everyday clothes?"
Of course, she was right. What explanation could I offer that would satisfy her? "Commander Drexler asked us to wear our costumes tonight to make sure everything will coordinate. After tonight we can practice in casual clothes." Glancing sideways at the exit door, I added, "I should head out. Don't want to be late on the first night." After Mother nodded, I left.
As I stepped onto the turbolift, I took a mental note to remember to sign up for one of Commander Drexler's plays tomorrow. I had better cover all my bases. And uncover my dress, I thought with a smirk as I removed my jacket and draped it across my arm.
The door opened and I stepped inside Ten-Forward. After handing my jacket to Eddie, the bartender, I scanned the room. Eddie smiled circumspectly at me. Although he thought I was too young for this social, he said, "Enjoy the party, Shannara," before walking away to greet the next group of guests.
Sauntering toward the middle of the room, I pretended I was ten years older (the average age of the other guests) and all the males were turning their heads in my direction. I imagined them whistling as they goggled my bare shapely legs. Their eyes quickly rose up to my thin waistline and then my firm, mature breasts. They liked what they saw, so one by one they approached me, offering to dance with me. I turned none of them down, so as not to hurt anyone. I barely took a few steps with one dance partner when the next tapped me on the shoulder. My parents always said I should make friends.
This scenario remained in my head, though, as I sat at a table, sipping at a cherry soda. No one approached me or even acknowledged me.
"Shannara Rozhenko, what are you doing here?" someone asked, shattering my fantasy. "This isn't a kiddie party."
I turned around to see Raymond Gaunt with the girl he'd been talking with earlier in the lab draped on one arm. "If I'm old enough to work in the science lab and Stellar Cartography, then I have every right to be here."
"You may be smart, probably even smarter than everyone here, but your still a child and there's a good reason why children aren't allowed to come unescorted to Ten-Forward."
"I'm practically an adult now."
He smirked. "If you say so. Just don't zap us into another universe by mistake."
The brunette laughed nervously, then stopped abruptly when she met my petulant gaze. They briskly walked away, and she relaxed as the distance grew between us. No one else approached me and I felt like an idiot, sitting in the middle of the room in a skimpy dress. I felt naked.
Walking over to the bar, I asked Eddie to return my jacket. I sat on a stool in front of him.
"Not enjoying the party?" he asked as he handed the garment back to me.
"No one wants anything to do with me," I replied as I slipped into the safety of the jacket. "I thought that if I dressed sophisticated they'd treat me differently. I made a mistake coming here tonight."
Eddie leaned toward me. "Maybe your mistake wasn't made tonight. If you want to stay here on the Enterprise, then perhaps you shouldn't have proclaimed your loyalties to another. No one likes a traitor."
I was taken aback by this. Eddie had always been friendly toward me and now he was treating me as everyone else had. Why did no one understand my situation? I couldn't imagine going back to the average life of my early childhood. I needed the Q and everything the Continuum had to offer.
"Shannara!" I heard Mother yell and I turned to see her rushing angrily toward me. "This is your play!"
How the hell had she found out? I barely had time to wonder before she reached me. "I can explain," I protested as she yanked me off the bar stool.
"Zip up this jacket!" she exclaimed as she pulled it tightly across my chest. As I tried to latch the zipper, she ushered me out of Ten-Forward. I was too embarrassed to meet anyone's stare.
We stepped onto the turbolift and Mother instructed the computer to take us to Deck 8. "How could you?" Mother said near tears. "After everything I've said and done for you, you continue to betray me. I've loved you unconditionally, but I don't know how to handle you anymore."
I used to be so close to Mother. When had this rift between us become irreparable? Staring at her, I bit at my lower lip unable to put into words what I was feeling. Picking up on my emotions, Mother hugged me fiercely.
"Please, come back to us, Shannara!"
"I-" Before I had the chance to tell her that I loved her and wanted more than anything to be close to her again, the turbolift door opened.
Taking my hand, she escorted me back to our quarters where Father was waiting for us. He was pacing the length of the living area and muttering in anger. I pulled away from Mother and fearlessly approached him. If he tried to punish me, he would be sorry. I needed very little impetus to coax me off this starship forever. I let him know this by placing my hands on my hips and fixing him sternly.
"How did I go wrong?" he asked.
The question took me by surprise. For all my wisdom, I didn't know how to respond. "You did everything right. I'm the one who's caused all the trouble. You should hate me like everyone else does." I glanced at Mother to include her. "I think I'd feel less guilty if you did."
"How can you say that?" Mother exclaimed. "You're our daughter. We can start fresh tonight if you're willing to make an effort."
"Stop presuming she will change, Deanna," Father yelled. "You tried that on Q'ronos. We cannot convince her that the Continuum is corrupt. We are defenseless to Q's onslaught." Never had I heard Father sound so defeatist. I watched horrified as he crumpled to the sofa and covered his face with his hands. His fingers grew wet from his tears. I had never seen him cry before.
As I cautiously sat on the opposite end of the sofa, I remembered a little girl who was once worried about her Father being a beast. That girl had easily expressed her love and affection for him. She seemed as much a stranger to me now as everyone else aboard this ship. "I can't be your little girl anymore."
Father looked at me, his brown eyes turning nearly gray. "Perhaps, it would be best if you spent some time away from us."
"Worf, what are you saying?" Mother exclaimed. "We can't throw out our own daughter!"
Father stood and growled, "We must! We cannot allow her to remain as long as she behaves like a Q. Either she chooses her family or she chooses the Continuum. This is no life for any of us."
"He's right," I admitted almost inaudibly. "I'm causing you far too much grief. I'll leave for the Continuum tonight. Just let me say goodbye to Eric. He deserves to understand why his sister's leaving." I stood and without hesitation moved toward my brother's room.
"Worf!" Mother cried out in anguish. "We can't let her go! She's just a little girl. Our little girl!" I glanced back toward them to see Father holding her back. "How will she survive?"
I shrugged at this. Like any self-respecting Q, I mused and entered my brother's room. He was lying in bed reading a story from a data padd, but set it aside when he saw me.
"I've come to say goodbye," I told him. Pulling his desk chair closer to his bed, I sat beside him.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"I'm not sure exactly. Away for a while. I need time to think about what I want to do with my life, and our parents need a break from the stress I've put them under."
"But if you just sit down and talk, can't you work it out?"
"I wish it were that simple. I do have a favor I would like to ask of you, though."
"What? I'll do anything, Shannara, anything for you."
I was amazed that my brother still felt such loyalty toward me. He might be the only one left aboard the Enterprise who still trusted me. "Look after Sam and Al while I'm gone," I said. "They'll be dependent on you, so you have to promise me that you won't forget about them."
"Really? Awesome! You never let me play with your mice before. I won't forget about them and I'll think of you everything I feed them."
"Well, now you're old enough for the responsibility."
"Shannara, don't stay away too long."
I leaned forward and kissed Eric across his ridges. "I'll miss you, too, little brother." I couldn't promise him that I'd be back soon. I might never return. Turning away, I quickly exited his room.
My parents were hugging in front of the viewwindow and I met Mother's anguished gaze. Wishing to end her pain, I said, "I'm sorry. This will only take another minute." I couldn't tell either of them why I had to return to my room one last time. The sentimentality would be too much for them to bear.
I opened my bottom dresser drawer and retrieved something very old and scraggly, the stuffed dog Captain Riker had given to me for my second birthday. When I had been younger, I used to sleep with it every night. It would remind me of the captain. I grabbed my away bag from out of the closet and slipped the dog inside.
Next, I thought about Data and grabbed the painting, his last gift to me. I retrieved my data padd and tossed it and the painting into the bag.
As I was contemplating what to bring along to remember my parents, I noticed a message flashing on my console. Who in the galaxy would want to contact me? Sitting at my desk, I brought up the message. I was surprised to see Grandma Lwaxana's image.
"Hello dear. It's been too long since we saw each other. Your Mother and I have been discussing your situation-now don't be angry with her. She doesn't know that I'm sending you this message. Right now, I imagine you're dealing with a tremendous amount of pressure. Don't let yourself believe as others do. No matter what, I still love you."
My tears splashed onto the desk as Grandma detailed why her love for me would never fade. "My love does not care who you are or who you've become. My love does not care where you are or how long we've been apart." She paused and changed the subject when she resumed. "I'd like you to spend a few months on Betazed with me. It would give you and your parents an opportunity to distance yourself from your conflicts. If you agree, I can make arrangements within the week to pick you up on a small passenger ship. Oh Shannara, please say 'yes'. We could have so much fun." She smiled sweetly. "Have a pleasant night, dear. I'll see you soon."
As the transmission faded into black, I looked at my away bag. I'd still need it, of course, but perhaps my destination had changed. "Computer, begin subspace message addressed to Lwaxana Troi on Betazed: Grandma, thank you for your offer. I accept gratefully! Please come for me at once. Computer, save transmission and send."
A few days later, my parents accompanied me to Transporter Room 1. Nothing was said between us, but I sensed ambivalence from both of them. They were relieved to be rid of me for a while and at the same time, they would miss me tremendously.
"Ready for transport, sir," the transporter technician said.
"Energize," Father said, nodding.
A moment later, Grandma Lwaxana appeared on the transporter pad. As she stepped off the transporter pad, she extended her arms to take both Mother and me into a hug. "Deanna, I'll take good care of her." She released her grip on Mother and offered a hand to me. Hand in hand, Grandma and I stepped onto the transporter pad. "Don't worry, dear. I'll keep her out of trouble."
"Oh, you will?" I said, smirking as the transporter beam took us away from the Enterprise.