Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's fanfic, them are the rules.
So... Surprise? I know, it's been forever. Short story is, sometimes real life is rubbish. The long version is below, but if you don't care, that's ok too.
Thanks to Mambomama for checking this over for me this time.
~oOo~
Bella
It felt wrong that the reason we were late to church that Christmas morning was that Edward had spent so long investigating my now recovered, but still perfectly freshly waxed body. We had left the house at the very last minute, and now as we stood outside the church, we could hear the rest of the congregation singing what I could only hope was the first hymn.
I had phoned Angela the night before, and I had discovered that her father was performing two Christmas Day services today, one at ten in the morning, and one at eight. Unfortunately, we would never have made it to Port Angeles in time for me to help Esme cook Christmas dinner if we went at ten, which meant that we had had to get up and ready in time for the early service.
I hurried towards the door to the church, hoping that we could creep inside during the hymn so that no one would notice that we were late, but just as I made to go in, I realized that Edward wasn't by my side. I turned, only to see him standing at least twenty feet away from me, looking upwards warily.
"Edward?" After a moment he looked down at me, but his expression was worried.
"Uh huh."
"Are you coming?" I was almost at the door to the church, but he didn't make any move to join me.
"Um…." He didn't say anything else for a moment, and I walked back to where he stood, in the middle of the parking lot. The hymn was drawing to a close, and I silently cursed our lost window of opportunity.
"Do you still want to go in?" He was looking at the church still, his expression slightly apprehensive.
"Yes..."
"But…"
"But… I am currently having visions of an enormous lightning bolt flashing down and frying me to a crisp if I go in." He raised an eyebrow at me as he spoke, and though there was a ghost of a smirk on his face, I could see that he wasn't entirely kidding.
"Oh." Unfortunately, I was pretty much the last person in the world he ought to be having this conversation with. My exposure to religion was limited to three visits to church when I was about twelve, when Renee 'found Jesus'. For a fortnight.
We stood in silence for a while as I watched Edward debate with himself internally. There was no snow on the ground, but the frost made little crunching sounds as we shuffled our feet trying to keep warm, and the ice was slippery under my shoes. It was freezing cold, and even bundled up in hats and coats and gloves I was shivering standing around outside. Edward had taken off the beanie he was wearing when we had approached the church, and I couldn't help but notice the way his hair stood up at every angle now. He hadn't cut it since my birthday, and it was now getting long enough that even with the hat on, it poked out from underneath, irritating him and getting in his eyes as he drove.
Edward was still looking at the church cautiously, and after a few minutes another hymn started up, and I decided that I wasn't going to miss it this time.
"Come on." I took his hand and started pulling him towards the door. "I didn't get up this early to stand in the parking lot freezing my butt off. Let's go in. It's Christmas, I'm sure God has better things to do than sit poised, waiting to zap you today."
At that he burst out laughing and relaxed, allowing me to pull him towards the church entrance.
The service was pleasant, the carols were all ones that even I knew, and by the end of it I felt very festive indeed. I had never been to church at Christmas before, and I enjoyed it as experiences went. But I wasn't convinced that it was going to be a regular occurrence for me. I just didn't… get it.
I watched Edward throughout the service though, and after he got over his initial trepidation, he seemed to enjoy it very much.
At first he did almost seem to be waiting for someone or something to evict him from the church, he kept looking around nervously, almost like he was somewhere that he didn't belong. But after a few minutes he relaxed and threw himself into the service. He sang along to the hymns with gusto, and when we were all asked to pray he was one of the few who actually knelt on the pillow provided, rather than simply sitting.
After the service we stayed and said merry Christmas to Angela and Ben, as well as speaking to Angela's father for a few minutes. I still couldn't quite manage to get over my slight disinterest as we spoke to Reverend Weber, especially when he mentioned the regular Sunday services. I was glad that Edward seemed to have found something he was missing this morning, but I wasn't convinced that I would ever make a good churchgoer.
After we had spoken to a few other people we recognized in the church that morning, I reminded Edward that I needed to get to Port Angeles in time to help with dinner, and in the end we left a little after nine. He was remarkably cheerful as we left, and I couldn't help but wonder how serious he had been about being hit by lightning earlier.
The drive to Port Angeles took nearly an hour these days. Sometimes when we were in a hurry I missed Edward's former lunatic paced driving, but now he was the model driver, cruising at precisely the speed limit for the entire journey.
As he drove he grew quiet, and he didn't seem to notice that I watched him as he vanished into his own thoughts. I wondered to myself about his reaction to entering the church this morning, as although he had made light of his concerns, he had only been joking to a point. Did he really think he had been damned? Did he still?
I had not been to the house where the Cullens were living in Port Angeles yet, and as we pulled up into the driveway I was surprised by how normal it was. Yes, it was big, and undoubtedly worth a large amount of money, but compared to the mansion in Forks it was quite unremarkable.
No wonder Rosalie hates it.
The house was old, and hadn't had anything like the work done to it the other one had. It was freshly painted a bright white, and clean and tidy of course, but for the most part it looked as if it had been untouched for many years. The front garden was dead but clear in the December chill, not even having Esme's flowers to brighten it up.
"We bought this place the last time we were in the area," Edward said, speaking for the first time for what felt like a long time. "When the wolves first started phasing, before we had a chance to agree the treaty, Carlisle bought this place and moved us out of Hoquaim very quickly. He was terrified of anything happening to Esme."
"Why didn't you just stay here? Why go to the trouble of moving back when you could have just commuted like they are now?"
Edward looked at me for a second, frowning very slightly, before he smirked. "That was in nineteen-thirty-six Bella, even with us driving, the cars then were hard pushed to make the journey in under an hour or so. Plus, Rosalie hated it."
"Oh." I was slightly blindsided for a second by the reminder that he had actually been around that long ago, although I knew he had been as a fact, the reality of it still threw me sometimes. Edward stopped me thinking about it by taking my hand and squeezing it.
"The house is nice enough, but as you can see, there's really not the privacy here my family prefers." From where we were sitting, I could see one of the neighboring houses, and we had just driven past two others as we turned into the long driveway. I could imagine that living here was not nearly as relaxing for them as the house in Forks.
Suddenly my door was opened, and Emmett's head appeared directly in my line of sight, making me jump.
"Are you two going to sit around out here all day? Come on dudes, present time!" Emmett was grinning so widely that all of his teeth were showing, and though I could tell that he was just a bit overexcited, seeing all of his teeth quite so close to my face, even on Emmett, was a bit intimidating.
"Merry Christmas to you too, Emmett," Edward replied dryly as Emmett vanished from my side, and a moment later Edward's door was open too.
"Yeah, yeah, come on, come on, Alice has been teasing me about my present for weeks!" Emmett grabbed the bags we had brought with us from the backseat, and vanished into the house before I had even undone my seatbelt.
So much for staying surreptitious in front of the neighbors.
Edward had let me in on the secrets of the Cullen family Christmas a couple of weeks earlier, when I had been trying to choose presents for each of them in vain, to the point I had been ready to bash my head against a wall. I had struggled and fretted about what to buy them for days, well aware that whatever I bought them they could well afford to buy for themselves a dozen times over, but I still wanted to buy each of them something nice.
When Edward had realized how much it was worrying me, he had sat down and explained how it worked.
Due to the fact that they had so much money, none of Edward's family ever wanted for anything, and buying more and more expensive presents every year for years had gotten ridiculous. As time had gone on, gradually the way they had exchanged gifts had evolved.
As I had discovered on my birthday, Alice took great pleasure in giving everybody something obscure that they would have need of one day. The more obscure the item the better, and she never, ever revealed what the item was for.
Obviously, Emmett made a great deal of effort to embarrass everyone with his gifts, which had apparently become more outrageous as time went on.
During the sixties and seventies he had enjoyed watching each of the family unwrap more and more extreme sex toys, until it reached the stage that they were all immune to embarrassment by them, even Edward, who for years had received more and more elaborate toys for use "going solo".
Emmett seemed to take particular pleasure in giving Edward "aids" for his alone time, and Edward had warned me to expect something monstrous this time. Considering Charlie was going to be there for present opening, I didn't think that would really be the case, but Edward didn't seem to think that would bother him.
All I can say is, it had better.
Generally though, there was an agreement within the family that there was no reason to spend a great deal on presents, and the main aim of Christmas morning was to amuse and tease each other.
I looked over towards Edward with a smile, and I was delighted to see how happy and relaxed he looked this morning. Considering what he had told me yesterday about his experiences of Christmas in years past, I hadn't been quite sure what to expect.
"Shall we go in?" I asked, and in answer Edward jumped out of the driver's door and ran around to help me out of my side.
"Yes…" he said, with an exaggerated sigh and a smile. "Let's go and get it over with."
Emmett was long gone as we headed into the house, and I suddenly wondered if he had noticed the ring on my left hand when he had stuck his head through my window. As if he had, knowing Emmett, the announcement Edward had been planning since last night, had probably already been made.
Edward
I had a spring in my step as I walked Bella towards the house that Christmas morning. It actually felt like Christmas to me for the first time in decades, and I couldn't deny that I was excited. I hadn't been inside a church since the last time I went with my mother, a few weeks before all public gatherings had been stopped due to the influenza virus, and it had brought back many memories of my childhood that I had thought were long gone.
I couldn't stop my eyes from keep drifting down to Bella's left hand to eye her ring at every opportunity, and I could hardly wait to announce to my family that she had finally agreed to be my wife. Emmett had noticed the ring on her finger a couple of minutes before, but as he had vanished into the house he had promised in his thoughts not to steal my thunder.
Although, of course, he had immediately run inside and told Rosalie, I could tell from her thoughts, and Alice already knew, and of course had told Jasper. So it wasn't as if there was a great deal of thunder for him to steal.
Of course, there was one person who would be arriving shortly whose reaction I was less confident of. After my conversation with Charlie a couple of days before, I had been left under no illusions about his feelings about my plans to propose. Indeed, I had decided to wait a little longer at his request, and had meant to. Until my mouth had run away from me that is.
But I'm glad it did.
We walked in the front door, and, speak of the devil; the first thing I saw as we entered was Charlie, a glass of wine in one hand and some kind of pastry in the other. I almost jumped three feet into the air when I saw him, I hadn't even caught enough of his thoughts to realize that he was there already, and I hadn't geared myself up for having this conversation just yet. He looked slightly awkward as he stood in the hallway, with a glass of wine in one hand and a pastry in the other. I had never seen him drink wine before, let alone at ten in the morning.
I noticed the rest of my family, who had also been ready to greet us at the door, quickly vanish into the kitchen as we approached Charlie. I caught Alice's thoughts singing jingle bells very loudly before she disappeared from view.
"Dad!" Bella said excitedly. We hadn't seen him since he set off for work yesterday morning, seeing as we had left the house this morning before he got up. I noted that he looked tired, and a little worried. "Merry Christmas!"
She ran over to him and hugged him quickly, and he smiled, his face relaxing somewhat. Bella had become more likely to hug Charlie occasionally these days, and though he still stood awkwardly every time she did, he never failed to look pleased.
"Merry Christmas, Bells! How was church?" He raised his eyebrows at her with a bit of a smirk as they pulled apart, and Bella seemed to stutter for a moment as their eyes met.
"Er, well… you know. Holy?" She glanced at me hurriedly, and I couldn't work out why. Charlie's thoughts were just amused as they exchanged a look, before they both turned to me.
"Merry Christmas, Sir." I said as I stepped towards Charlie, my voice slightly unsteady with nerves. I immediately recognized my mistake, as his eyes narrowed.
"Sir?" His eyes shot downwards to look at Bella's left hand, newly adorned this morning with her engagement ring. He stared at it for a moment, before he looked up at me.
Bella had caught the direction Charlie's eyes had gone, and I saw her take a breath to speak, before she stopped. I took my cue from her, and stood quietly for a moment, waiting for Charlie to say something else. I couldn't hear his thoughts at all, but I could sense his emotions were rather conflicted.
I met Bella's eyes for a second as the silence stretched between us all, and I couldn't help but smile at her. Internally I cursed the fact that I had ever asked Charlie's permission at all, and I was wondering whatever had possessed me to do so in the first place, when he finally spoke again.
"Glad we had that chat the other day, Edward," he said dryly, half scowling and half smirking at me for a moment, though it was with relief that I noted that the smirk was winning out.
"Yes, um…" Words failed me for a moment. Bella agreeing to be my wife was officially the happiest day of my life, but the last thing I wanted was for it to drive a wedge between us and Charlie.
As I struggled to find something to say, Bella held her hand out to Charlie showing him the ring. She stayed that way until he took it, balancing his pastry unsteadily on his wine glass, ring side up.
"It was Edward's birth-mother's," she said softly as he looked down at the ring on her finger. "It's the most precious thing he has."
"Second most precious," I corrected, before I even thought about it, and Bella smiled without looking away from Charlie.
"It would mean so much if you were happy for us, Dad," she continued.
"Of course I'm happy for you." Charlie said gruffly and rolled his eyes, before he pulled Bella into a hug of his own accord, a first from what I could recall. "All I want is for you to be happy, you know."
"I am."
I eyed Charlie's wine glass warily, and wondered quite how early this morning he had started drinking as he turned to me. "Ok then." He stretched out his hand towards me. "Merry Christmas, Edward. And I guess welcome to the family, though I'm gonna leave it to you two to tell Renee. I can live without that."
I took Charlie's hand and shook it, surprised at how emotional I felt. I'd expected far more anger from him, but in his thoughts I could hear that he was utterly unsurprised by the fact that I had proposed anyway. He had almost expected it. One thing Charlie could do was read people.
"Now, will you two please help me out here?" he suddenly hissed, his tone completely removed from where it had been a moment ago. "I've only been here for half an hour, and I think Esme is trying to kill me with food and drink. I haven't seen any of the others eat anything yet, but every time I finish one thing, I suddenly get another thrust into my hands. This is my fourth cinnamon roll this morning!"
"Well, Esme loves to be a good host," I said, as I caught a flurry of thoughts from the kitchen about the fact that Charlie had noticed none of them were eating. "I'm sure she's not actually trying to kill you, Charlie."
Suddenly Carlisle appeared at the kitchen door, with a partially eaten Danish in his hand. "Edward, Bella, can we offer you a late breakfast? Esme has been making pastries all morning, they are wonderful." As he finished speaking, he put the piece of Danish he was holding into his mouth. Despite the wide smile as he chewed, I could hear him gagging in his thoughts and wondering how he was going to get through Christmas dinner.
I chuckled, earning a glance from Charlie, and a glare from Carlisle.
"That sounds lovely, Carlisle," Bella replied, as she took my hand and squeezed it slightly, no doubt telling me to shut up. "Though we'd better hurry, I know how many of those Emmett can get through in one sitting. You've never seen anyone eat like he does, Dad. It's impressive."
I caught a mental groan from the kitchen as we approached, and as we walked in the door I saw Emmett pick up a croissant, and glare in our direction as he took a bite.
When I barf this lot up, dude, I'm making sure you get a front row seat.
My family had chosen to spend Thanksgiving in Denali, where Jasper had still been staying at that point, mainly due to Emmett's aversion to throwing up. I knew that Bella planned to take a great deal of pleasure in feeding Emmett today.
We had had takeout pizza and chocolate ice-cream for our Thanksgiving dinner, at both Bella and Charlie's request. It was apparently tradition for them, as neither Renee nor Charlie had been up to cooking a turkey dinner when Bella was a child. We had decided to save the turkey this year for Christmas.
I bit down another chuckle, as we all exchanged hugs and Merry Christmases. When I got to Alice, I frowned at her, trying to indicate my displeasure at the fact that she hadn't told me how things were going to go with Charlie. But she simply raised an eyebrow at me slightly and smiled, and her thoughts were warm, if slightly sarcastic.
We all need some surprises in life, Edward…
As soon as Bella had finished with the greetings, she rushed off to check the oven. I could already smell the turkey cooking, and I noted the slight look of disappointment on her face as she looked around at all of the preparations, which looked well in hand.
"You're cooking the turkey already?" she said, and I swear she pouted, just a little.
"Well, yes," Esme replied as Alice looked on, and everyone else started to move into the living room. I could hear Emmett's thoughts were already focused on presents. "According to Google, it needs six and a quarter hours, and I thought we were planning to eat at three?"
"Six and a quarter… no, no. That can't be right." Bella huffed, and pulled the oven door open, bending down to look. As she looked inside the oven, she gasped. "Sweet Jesus! How big is that thing?"
"Twenty-four pounds. I asked for the best one they had in the store." Esme smiled sweetly, not quite registering Bella's gaping surprise.
"It's the size of a toddler," Bella said as she shut the door again, straightening up slowly, before she looked towards where the rest of us were standing. "What are we going to do with that?"
"Well…" Alice said, and I could hear the smirk in her voice as she and Esme shared a glance. "We figured we'd feed it to Emmett."
"Huh?"
"I reckon there's a really good chance of getting him to eat it. All apart from the bit you three want, and we… um…. deal with for show, of course."
"How are we going to do that?" I said, but I could already hear the answer in her mind.
"Well, you see, Jasper's here." She stopped and looked between Bella and me for a second, trying to read our response. "And he's hoping he can get a bet going, which of course, Emmett will lose…"
"You're evil Ali," I said with a grin.
"Shh, come on, present time. Emmett's not paying us any attention right now, but he will if we don't get in there pretty sharpish."
We headed into the living room, only to find everyone else sat down, already, around the enormous, and perfectly decorated, Christmas tree. Beneath it, there were dozens of presents, and I could see that ours had been added to the already substantial pile.
Jasper was seated on the couch beside Emmett, and he looked up nervously as we came in. It was the first time I had seen Jasper since the night of Bella's eighteenth birthday, and I instinctively shivered as his eyes met mine. I heard the apology in his thoughts as he stared at me, and I did my best to conceal the fear coursing through me, despite the fact it was useless. He would know every feeling I had right then.
But I couldn't help it, the last time we had all been in a room together he had tried to attack Bella, and my instinct to protect her was filling me with the urge to just grab her hand and run.
"Hey," he said softly, and I could sense the other members of my family watching us, as they chatted. Carlisle was talking to Charlie about fishing, so thankfully he at least didn't seem to notice the tension hovering in the air.
"Hey."
"Hi, Jasper," Bella said, and before I could stop her she strode towards him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "We missed you."
"Well, I missed you too, darlin," he drawled, making more of his accent than it was usually as he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I scowled at him, and at the same moment I realized that I had still to make our announcement.
I cleared my throat a little and took Bella's hand, pulling her back towards me where I stood in the middle of the room, and everyone turned towards us expectantly. I glanced around quickly, and could hear that both Esme and Carlisle had already noticed Bella's ring, so there was now officially no thunder to be had at all. But, dammit, I was making our announcement anyway.
"I know this will not be coming as a surprise to anybody by now." There were a couple of chuckles, and I noticed Charlie trying to restrain a smile, "But last night I asked Bella to be my wife, and she said yes."
I held her hand out, showing off her ring, and within a couple of seconds we were both buried beneath my family, each of them trying to hug us at once. The only people who stood aside were Charlie and Jasper, both of whom were smiling by now, and Rosalie, who was standing outside the immediate crowd, like me, also not a big hugger.
"Dude, about time!"
"Oh, sweetheart!"
"Welcome to the family, Bella!"
"I already have the perfect dress, you look so beautiful in it!"
I really hope that one's not aimed at me.
Bella's hand was pulled from mine as Alice dragged her away from us and started to bounce up and down in her excitement. I could see images flashing through her head of wedding plans, and I had to restrain a groan at all the fuss she was already planning. There was no way Bella would be pleased by such ideas. I just hoped Alice wasn't going to put her off the idea of marrying me altogether.
But the thing that caught my attention in all of this, though, was that Alice wasn't seeing visions of our wedding; she was seeing the plans she was making in her own mind. I couldn't help but wonder for a second what that might mean.
"Congratulations, Edward," I heard Jasper by my side, and I managed to pull myself away from Emmett enough to reach out a hand to shake his. I could feel that he was calming my fears gently, and I wasn't quite sure whether to be glad or not. He grinned as we shook hands awkwardly, looking between me and Emmett as I still stood submerged in a giant bear hug.
Do you want me to help get Emmett off you? He looks like he's going to flatten you in a minute.
"Nah, it's alright." Alice was focused on Bella, and both Carlisle and Esme had stepped back, but Emmett was still standing hugging me firmly. "Em, shall we get to the presents now?"
"I'm just so happy for you, man," he replied, and I could have sworn his voice sounded a little watery. "It's been a long time coming…" Emmett gave a long sniff, and squeezed me a little tighter, making me give a small, involuntary, squeak.
"Come on, you dimwit," Rosalie suddenly said from behind him, and it was with a little relief I felt her pull his arms away from around me. "Before you squash the groom to be." She looked at me and nodded with a half smile as she led Emmett towards the couch by the Christmas tree.
Good for you Edward.
After a few more minutes we were all settled around the tree. I had pulled Bella into my lap as she tried to sit down beside me on the floor, and Alice had sat beside us, closest to the enormous pile of presents under the tree.
The tree was beautifully decorated in gold and silver, to match the rest of the decorations throughout the house. It was very pretty, but I had to admit, I had really enjoyed decorating my own tree this year at home. Even if it did look a bit tatty.
"So, who's playing Father Christmas this year then?" Alice chirped cheerfully as she leaned in towards the presents, answering her own question. "Ooh, this one's for me!"
She plopped her present from Bella into her lap as she started to hand out other gifts to each of us. We had never been a family who stood on ceremony and waited for each person to open one gift at a time, and the rustle of opening wrapping paper started almost immediately.
"Oh, Emmett, really!" I heard from Carlisle as a large gift landed in my lap. I looked down to see that mine was also from Emmett, before I looked up to see Carlisle holding up a T-shirt with large black lettering across the chest:
The person wearing this shirt is a
DOCTOR
Now lay back, spread your legs,
and do as the nice doctor tells you
Carlisle stuffed the shirt down on the floor beside his feet as he tried to repress a smile, but I was looking at Charlie, as his eyes seemed to be bugging out of his head slightly. I looked down then to the gift on my knee, Emmett's familiar scrawl on the label making my heart sink slightly.
"I thought it might help you at work, Carlisle," Emmett replied sweetly, but his eyes were on me. He was watching the gift in my lap with a look in his eye that was making me nervous. "Your turn Eddie."
Oh shit.
Everyone turned towards me, and I could hear the amusement in their thoughts already. Emmett's presents had long since lost their shock value amongst ourselves, but God alone knew what he had bought me to open in front of Charlie, of all people.
Bella was sitting on my other knee, but before I could stop her she started opening the gift Alice had passed her, also from Emmett.
"Bella, wait!" I hissed, but before I could say anything else, she pulled a long lace wrap out of the parcel.
As one we all looked towards Emmett, the surprise in everyone's expressions plain to see.
"What? I thought she'd like it."
"I do, thank you, Emmett." Bella gave a large sigh and seemed to relax in my lap, and I sent Emmett a silent glance of thanks that he hadn't embarrassed her in front of her father.
I started to open my own gift, feeling thankful for Charlie's presence today. I couldn't remember the last time Emmett had bought me a present that didn't make me want to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment, but it seemed that today might just be ok after all.
Everyone else seemed to be busying themselves with opening their own presents, so I didn't think anything of pulling my gift out of the cardboard box the red paper had uncovered. I stared at the object in my hands for several seconds, wondering what on earth it was, until I realized everyone's eyes were on me.
I stared at the long plastic cylinder in my hand, attached by a plastic tube to a rubber bulb, trying to work out what it was for. It didn't take me long to realize it was not something I wanted to be waving around in front of Charlie.
"You're only human these days Edward," Emmett snickered, as I realized what it was that I was holding, and had to fight the urge to throw the damn thing at him.
Knowing my luck, I'd probably hit Charlie.
"Edward, put it back," Bella whispered as she glared at Emmett.
Oh, I'm so making him eat that turkey later.
I jammed the, entirely unnecessary, thing back in the box, the rustling the only sound in the room for a few seconds apart from muffled chuckles coming from Emmett's direction. I silently thanked God for Alice when she squealed in excitement a few seconds later.
"Oh, Bella! Thank you!"
"I thought it was fitting," Bella replied, as Alice held the crystal ball aloft for all to see. Bella had bought it from the New Age shop in Port Angeles a few days before, and Alice seemed very pleased with it. It had only cost a few dollars, but had clearly amused my sister a great deal, which was the point, of course.
There seemed to be endless presents to exchange, and the pile of gifts beside Bella and myself grew and grew. However, Emmett wasn't the only member of my family keen to embarrass me in front of my future wife and father-in-law.
I opened my gift from Alice, expecting the usual obscure object I would find myself in need of one day, only to find a small packet in my hand. I turned it over to read the front cover:
Uh oh Emergency underpants!
Let me keep this brief (sorry).
Don't let soiled underpants ruin your day! With these handy Emergency Underpants you'll be prepared for any untimely underpants incidents. Better safe than soggy! Each 3" x 1-1/2" x 3/4" tin contains one pair of disposable unisex underpants. Fits most adults.
"What?" I squeaked, before it occurred to me to stuff the horrible things deeply under the rest of my gifts.
"Uh oh, Eddie, has Alice been seeing scary moments in your future?" Emmett jeered as I tried fruitlessly to hide my newly acquired emergency pants under the Fez that Esme had bought me for some reason. I glared at Emmett, as Charlie gave him a puzzled look.
"What was that?" Bella asked as she tried to pull the packet from under my hat.
"Nothing," I growled as I glared at Alice, who was smirking back at me. "I think Alice is fucking with me." At the same time I saw both Carlisle and Esme's jaws drop at my use of the f-word.
Brilliant.
"I think I'd better go and look at the turkey." Esme frowned at me slightly as she stood up, and I could hear her admonishment in her thoughts. Bella squeezed my hand gently as she got up to follow her into the kitchen.
I sat and glared at Alice, as I felt the tips of my ears redden in embarrassment and annoyance. Alice was singing Christmas carols in her head to cover her thoughts, but she couldn't hide her delight at having managed to embarrass me quite so thoroughly this year, not only at her choice of gift, but also because of my reaction.
"I'm getting you back for that, Alice," I hissed under my breath as I continued to glare at her, but her smirk didn't change in the slightest.
I'd like to see you try, big brother.
I turned my attention away from her in irritation, wondering why the hell my family couldn't just buy each other normal presents like everybody else. I hoped the Angora sweater I'd bought her would give her a rash.
I know it won't, but the thought made me feel better.
Fortunately, I don't think Charlie had noticed any of this, as he was too busy turning his gift from Carlisle and Esme over in his hands, staring at it in confusion.
In fact, the gift Carlisle and Esme had given him was from me, but I had felt that he would be more likely to accept it from them. In his hands Charlie held a small key, attached to a large plastic keyring which would float if dropped in the water.
He slowly cleared his throat, and as the others carried on their banter about some of the more extreme gifts we had all just exchanged, both Carlisle and I turned to him.
"So. A boat?" he asked quietly, looking between Carlisle and me curiously. "I mean… a boat?"
"All of us wanted to express our gratitude for everything you've done for Edward over the past few months," Carlisle replied softly, giving the illusion of a private conversation, even though we both knew that was impossible in this house. "We have already arranged with Billy Black for it to be stored in the docks on the reservation."
In fact I had made these arrangements over the last couple of weeks, Charlie's new small fishing boat, fully equipped with satellite navigation and radio equipment, was already in its berth at the docks, which had been fully paid for for many years to come.
"I can't accept something like this Carlisle… it's too much." I had already anticipated such a response, Bella was nothing if not her father's daughter. But Carlisle wasn't beyond a little emotional blackmail himself.
"Many would say what I have asked of you, over the last few months, was too much, Charlie. Please, allow me to show you my thanks."
I watched silently as Charlie nodded, and continued to stare at the key he held in his hand.
"And anyway," Carlisle continued, raising his voice a little and looking towards me. "You're family now, and I think it's time we cracked open a bottle of champagne!"
Carlisle stood quickly and headed for the kitchen, leaving Charlie looking at me over the top of his hands, still twisting the key in them nervously.
"So… I guess this was your idea?" he asked me, and I couldn't decide if his expression was pleased or not. I was beginning to head towards not.
"Actually, it was Carlisle's idea entirely. Though I agree that I thought it was a very good one." I was glad to note that he hadn't seemed to pick up on my blatant lie. As I had settled into my new skin over the last few months I had relaxed enough to be able to lie quite convincingly again, something which I was glad for. I still had a lot of secrets that I needed to be able to protect, if the time came.
Charlie simply nodded and looked downwards into his lap again, and I breathed a sigh of relief a few minutes later when Bella rejoined us.
"Esme has everything under control," she almost whined as she plopped back down into my lap, and her expression was a cross between annoyed and disappointed.
"Well… that's good?" I replied, but Bella's scowl only deepened as I did. She looked at me silently for a second, before she sighed and nodded.
"Yeah… I guess." Suddenly her eyebrow twitched quickly, and she glanced towards Jasper and Emmett across the room. Emmett was still sitting on the couch beside Charlie, and Jasper was now sitting in a chair with Alice pulled into his lap. Bella didn't say anything, but her expression caught my interest, and I looked up to see what was going on.
"… no way, Jas," Emmett was saying, and I looked between them quickly. Jasper's thoughts were betraying the plan to get Emmett to eat the turkey, but I had to admit, right now Emmett wasn't enemy number one in my book.
"Alice won, Emmett, no question. Didn't you see the look on his face?" Jasper glanced towards me, and I suddenly saw a picture of myself, looking thoroughly embarrassed and irritated a few moments ago having just opened my present from Alice. "He looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.
"That doesn't mean Alice won, I think my dick enlarger was far more embarrassing than Alice's spare underpants." Emmett looked over towards me as well and smirked, as the urge to go and beat both of them about the head with my bare hands started to overwhelm me. "So Alice gets to eat the turkey."
"But I could sense Edward's embarrassment, and it was far greater over Alice's gift," Jasper drawled in response, and matching satisfied smirks crossed his and Alice's faces.
Honestly, does everyone's family turn into monsters over Christmas?
Sigh.
Bella was looking between Jasper and Emmett as they argued, but my eyes were fixed firmly on Alice, and I saw her eyes flick towards me the second she saw what I was about to say.
"NO!" She hissed, and I grinned at her as I spoke.
"Actually, Emmett's right, I was faaaaar more embarrassed by his gift than yours, Alice," I said, hardly able to contain my glee at having revenge handed to me on a plate. Alice's gift had been far worse, but that truth was between me and Jasper.
Bella turned and looked at me, and a flash of understanding passed between us as she stood, and I followed her. I walked towards my brothers and sisters sitting together on the other side of the room slowly, feeling like John Wayne.
Ok, I know that's a little overdramatic, but I think you have to appreciate quite how many years I have been tortured by my family over Christmas. It was time for some payback.
"So, in all honesty, I think that Alice should eat the turkey." I looked at her, and grinned quickly as I saw visions of her vomiting all over her brand new festive quilt on hers and Jasper's bed.
"Now, Edward, I know that's not true," Jasper said hastily, but Emmett was already crowing in victory.
"I win! I win! In your face, LOSER!" Emmett cried, as he ran around the room with his left hand on his forehead, making a back-to-front "L". It was funnier not to tell him he was doing it the wrong way around, so I didn't.
"Well, Jasper, obviously you're going to say that!" Bella piped up, and I grinned a little bit wider as she backed me up. "We can't trust your opinion, as you're always going to say Alice won! I think Edward was definitely more embarrassed by Emmett's… pump."
"But…" Alice tried to defend herself, but it was too late. Her visions showed that any argument was futile, and a moment later she stomped into the kitchen to check on Esme, growling as she went.
I'm going to get you for that big brother.
~oOo~
Dinner was perfect, of course, though Bella seemed almost disappointed by that fact. I quietly promised her that next year we would have Christmas to ourselves as we gathered around the table, and everyone began to eat.
Emmett had been sat directly opposite Charlie, as Bella had been in charge of place settings, and he couldn't seem to work out a way of convincing him that he was eating, without actually eating. After a few minutes of eavesdropping on his internal gagging on every mouthful I had to shut it out, as he was spoiling my enjoyment of my first Christmas dinner in the best part of a century.
Charlie seemed to be enjoying himself greatly, but it wasn't until he somehow dropped his glass of wine into the bowl of mashed potatoes that I worked out why.
"Dad, are you ok?" Bella asked hurriedly, as Charlie started baling the now very potatoey wine out of the bowl with his bare hands.
"Yup, no probs Bells," he replied with a grin, as he changed tactics, picked up the bowl, and began drinking his spilt wine straight out of the bowl. "Sorry, I've made a bit of a mess."
He sat down and continued to slurp the wine from the bowl, as Bella looked on in horror.
"How much, exactly, has he had to drink?" She muttered, looking at Esme, who was busily tucking her turkey dinner into a small beaded handbag in her lap.
"Um, only three or four bottles I think. Oh, plus he drank most of the champagne, as we all poured most of ours into his glass while he wasn't looking." Esme's expression was entirely innocent, but Carlisle's eyes widened almost imperceptibly as she replied.
"So he's had nearly a whole bottle of champagne, plus three or four beers?" Bella replied, slightly louder this time, as Charlie continued to eat, oblivious to the conversation going on around him.
"No…" Esme started to look a little guilty, and her eyes seemed to hover over Charlie a little longer this time before she continued. "Three or four bottles of wine."
"Looks like Alice isn't going to be the only one visiting the flowerbeds today, then," Emmett chuckled.
"Oh, holy crap," Bella muttered, glancing towards me in annoyance. "Why did he do that?"
"Well, on Google it said good hostesses always keep their guest's drinks topped up," Esme said, looking at Carlisle, who was now studying Charlie closely.
"I'm sure he's just going to have a major hangover in the morning, nothing to worry about," he said, as Charlie sat back in his chair, rubbing his stomach, still entirely unaware that he was the focus of the conversation.
"That's wash fantas… um… tas… trick, Esme," he mumbled, laying his head back against the chair back. "Where's the pudding? I hope my moustache doesn't catch on fire again. Nothing worse than the smell of burning hair…"
I raised my eyebrows towards Bella, who simply shrugged as a loud snore rumbled from Charlie's direction.
"Well, thank God!" Rosalie cried as she threw her fork to the table. I can't stand it anymore!" And with that she was gone, no doubt headed somewhere private to rid herself of what had been a truly magnificent Christmas dinner.
Within a few seconds the rest of my family had hastily departed the table, each headed in different directions, with Emmett virtually ripping the front door off its hinges as he searched for an exit. A few moments later the table was almost deserted, with just me, Bella and a still snoring Charlie surveying the piles of uneaten food.
"She really cooked enough to feed an army," Bella muttered as we looked from one end of the table to the other.
"It was delicious though, you were right, turkey is far better cooked than raw." I grinned, and Bella leant her head against my shoulder and sighed.
"Is Christmas here always like this?"
"Sort of… Actually, it's usually worse, but with less vomiting… and drunkenness." As I spoke Charlie had slid down to one side, and now had his head resting in what remained of Alice's dinner.
"Next year…"
"You, me, a Caribbean island, and a pile of presents that don't make me want to crawl into a hole and die."
"Sounds good to me."
We sat like that for a few minutes, before I couldn't stand it any longer, and stood and started to clear the plates.
"Esme will be back in a minute, but let's at least make a start," I started piling up the used plates, while looking at the wasted food in dishes all across the centre of the table.
"I really hate to see so much waste," Bella said, still not moving as I made a pile of plates that would make a waiter jealous. "There's literally enough food here to feed a dozen people, or more."
I looked at the piled up turkey, the potatoes, stuffing and vegetables, and couldn't help but agree. I couldn't in good conscience really make Alice eat this, when maybe there was something better we could do with it.
As if by magic, she appeared in the doorway to the rarely used dining room.
"Yay! You're so right Edward, there are people who need this turkey far more than I do!" Like lightning she started to clear the dishes and platters of untouched food, paying no attention to Charlie at all, who was dead to the world. "I'll get this all boxed up and get Jazz to drive it across to the soup kitchen on the other side of town. I'm sure they'll be very glad of it!"
Esme appeared, and she and Alice cleared the table in just a few seconds, snatching my impressive pile of plates from under my nose, as I sank back into my chair beside Bella. They both vanished into the kitchen, but I could still hear Alice's delighted thoughts from my seat.
"So, no one's eating the turkey?" Bella was leaning her head against my shoulder again, and as she looked up and pouted, I couldn't help but smile.
"Only someone who'll appreciate it."
"Oh… I guess that's ok. I didn't really need to see anyone throw up after the huge meal I just ate anyway."
I glanced towards Charlie as she spoke, who was still snoring, now with his head resting on the once pristine white tablecloth, and grimaced slightly. From what I saw of Alice's visions a few moments ago, Bella was not necessarily going to get her wish.
"I didn't really mean it about next year, you know; this is kind of what Christmas is all about, isn't it?" Bella suddenly said a few minutes later, as I was beginning to think that maybe a little nap might be a good thing myself. The dining chairs were large and comfortable, though a sofa would have been very welcome right about then.
"Well…" I was torn. The thought of Christmas without being horrifyingly embarrassed for a change was very appealing… at that moment Emmett walked into the room.
"Come on bro, what you doing sitting in here with sleeping beauty? Touch football in the garden!"
"How on earth do you expect me to play touch football with you these days, Emmett?" I replied, as both Bella and I got to our feet.
"Badly and slowly to be honest, man. But I look forward to beating you just as much as I did last year."
"You did not beat me last year." Emmett turned to leave the room, but I stopped him before he went. "Hang on, Em, I didn't see, what did Alice get you this year?"
He snorted quietly, before he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out an identical packet of uh oh underpants to mine. "I have no idea what she's on about, but there's no way I need underpants. I go commando, anyway." He grinned as both Bella and I cringed, before he tossed them towards me. "There y'are Eddie, you never know."
Before I could say another word, he turned and left the room, making clucking noises over his shoulder at me as I glared at the back of his departing head.
After shoving the offending underpants into my pocket, I took Bella's hand and led her outside, to the scene of more than one touch football match in days past. The rest of my family were already tossing the ball between each other, and for a moment I stopped and looked at them all gathered together, dressed in their best clothes, preparing to play football.
It was the sort of scene I had witnessed a thousand times, most likely more, but for some reason today it felt like something I needed to try and capture in my mind.
Jasper and Emmett were tossing the ball back and forth to each other, remarkably sedately for them, no doubt considering the neighbors nearby.
Alice and Rosalie, both wearing sequined dresses which stood out somewhat against the trees, were arguing over who should drive the uneaten food to the soup kitchen, even though Alice already knew that she would lose this argument for once, as soon Rose would suggest that she should eat it herself, instead.
Carlisle and Esme were busy marking out the goals using large branches from the trees at the end of the garden.
I smiled as they carried on, and wondered if Christmas Day would still be the same one hundred years from now, after I was gone. Would they still torture each other without me here, or would the fun of it be lost then?
Bella suddenly squeezed my hand, and I looked down at her, her dark hair blowing gently around her face in the icy breeze.
"We might not have eternity with them anymore, Edward, but we still get a lifetime. That's more than a lot of people get."
I smiled and nodded before turning back to watch the scene in front of me. Alice had given up arguing with Rosalie and was now trudging towards the house at human speed, an exaggerated frown gracing her features. Everyone else seemed to be gearing up to play, and I started to walk towards them, Bella trailing along behind me by the hand.
As I walked, I wondered if she was right. I hoped so, but something deep down inside told me to cherish this Christmas; uh oh underpants and all.
~oOo~
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So, first, thank you for sticking with this story!
When I started this chapter, Christmas felt like a lifetime away, someone told me it's only 6 weeks today, this afternoon though…
Second, I recently wrote a oneshot for the Halloween countdown, it's on my profile and it's called "True Love Waits". I actually really like it, so give it a try if you have a chance.
I can't even begin to think how long it's been since I last updated. The slightly longer version of why is that my father in law got really ill, went into hospital for 6 weeks, leaving me caring for his very frail elderly wife (my mother in law), as well as my 3 year old and 4 year old. I officially now know what it's like to be the in-between generation, with demands from both kids and elderly parents at the same time.
Many of you also know I'm that caring for my 3 year old son who has Leukaemia (this is how we spell it in the UK, spellcheck bugger off), and at the same time FIL went in, he was also poorly and back in hospital. Anyway, all this crap has generally left me pretty depressed, so writing just doesn't happen then.
Things have been much better, hence this chapter got written, but as of tonight both my son and FIL are back in hospital. My son is ok, FIL, not so much.
However, I am back into the groove, so I plan to update much more regularly again, but it's still likely to be 2-3 weeks between chapters. I estimate there are 5-6 chaps left, plus 2 epis (both of which are already written), and I guess the only thing I want to say is, I WILL finish this story. It just might take a little while.
No fic recs this time I'm afraid. I have read some brilliant paper books recently though. Charlaine Harris's Sookie books (starting with Dead until Dark) are fabulous, as are her "Grave" series of books.
I have also revisited my favourite book of all time, Jayne Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, as it's my "comfort" book for when I'm feeling off. If you haven't ever had the pleasure, please give it a try. You cannot help but fall in love with Rochester, I promise.
Anyway, enough of my claptrap! Review, and tell me if you're still there…
Til next time,
Ria