36: Hell or Glory, I Don't Want Anything In Between

The incessant beeping pounded in your head and you wished it would just kill you already. The physical pain you felt was nothing compared to how your arguments with Patrick made you feel, and you wanted that pain gone. You heard someone accidentally slam the door shut, followed by a, "Shh!"

"What the Hell?" you groaned and opened your eyes.

"Nice going, Pete. You woke her up," Courtney scolded.

"I was awake before," you assured her. "How'd you guys get in? I thought only family was allowed to see patients immediately."

"Courtney scared half the staff," answered Pete.

"That actually worked?" you asked, slightly amused.

"Not really."

"So you snuck in?"

Courtney hesitated. "You've been unconscious for about three days, Julie. The doctors wouldn't let us in to see you until you woke up."

"It was that bad?" You couldn't believe it.

"Physically, no, but the doctors said it was like you were just giving up anyway. The only serious injury you sustained was a head laceration. I mean, it was deep, but it wasn't enough to kill you, they said." You reached you hand up to touch above your left eyebrow and regretted it instantly. You cursed under your breath. "Shit, Julie! What happened?" Courtney asked.

You bit your bottom lip. "I don't…" You looked away from them. You didn't want to go into detail. It doesn't matter now anyway…nothing will ever be the same.

"You don't what?" Pete pressed.

"Leave it alone," Courtney commanded under her breath. "Well how are you feeling now?"

"Like I'm in Hell," you answered.

"Do we need to get the doctors to give you more morphine?" she asked you in a motherly tone.

"No thanks."

Pete's phone buzzed. He looked at it, huffed, then frustratedly texted his reply. His phone buzzed again soon after and he muttered a curse. "Courtney, we should go."

"Why?" Pete raised his eyebrows at her. "Oh! Right…yeah. We have to go, but we'll be back in a few hours," she said to you. You nodded, wanting to be alone anyway. Once the door closed behind them, you heard the mumbling of a conversation. Though you couldn't make out distinct words, you could tell that Courtney was getting annoyed. The conversation came to an abrupt halt and you heard Courtney's shoes as they clacked down the hallway. You heard Pete call her name and chase after her.

What a match
I'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet

"Did you hear me, Patrick? I love you! Isn't that enough?" you asked exasperatedly, tears in your eyes.

"I don't really care anymore. Not since the day I learned that I wasn't good enough." His eyes burned bright with is anger and bitterness. "As far as I'm concerned, you can drop dead, Julie. Or perhaps I will. Either way; it doesn't matter to me." He dipped his head low so the bill of his hat hid his face as he brushed past you.

"So that's it, then?" you screamed after him. "You're just going to leave again?"

He stopped and turned to face you. "No, I was going to get drunk of my ass and play a little game of Russian Roulette. I'll make sure there's only one empty space."

"Don't even joke about that," you hissed through clenched teeth.

"You pulled the trigger a long time ago," he replied in a low voice. You saw a tear escape from the corner of his eye just before he turned around. You called after him, but he didn't answer. You started to follow him, but stopped short in your tracks when you heard the resounding bang of a gun.

You awoke with a start and saw Courtney glaring at the door that had just slammed behind her. "I hate these damn doors," she muttered. "I didn't wake you, did I? I'm sorry," she apologized when she saw that you were awake and staring at her.

"It's fine," you replied hoarsely. You leaned back on your pillows and looked up at the fluorescent ceiling. "I really messed up big time," you sighed.

"What are you talking about?" your friend inquired.

"Nothing."

"It didn't sound like nothing."

"If I tell you, you can't tell anyone…not even Pete. I don't want to sound too pathetic," you said solemnly. Courtney just looked at you expectantly. "There's no hope of Patrick and I getting together, is there?"

"That wasn't what I was expecting." You rolled your eyes. "Is that what all this is about? Damnit!" You furrowed your brow in confusion as she pulled out her phone and started texting furiously.

"What are you doing?" you asked, slightly panicking.

"Oh nothing, you just keep talking. You never answered my question."

"It's part of it—most of it. I've just missed him so much. I hate myself for what I did to him."

"Have you told him this?"

"Like he'd listen." You weren't ready to mention your conversation in his car yet.

"Huh. Right. Well that didn't make any sense," Courtney said to herself.

"Of course it did! If I were him, I wouldn't talk to me!"

"Oh, no, not you. Sorry. You made perfect sense, but this text…" She furrowed her brow as she concentrated on her typing. "Continue."

"Why?" you asked bitterly. "You aren't even listening."

She slammed her phone shut. "I've been listening the whole goddamn time! I was listening when you told me the first time what happened! I was listening when you told me how you wish you had never met Alex! And boy was I ever listening when you said that your life felt so empty without Patrick there!" She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little….hormonal right now."

"It's alright. I understand."

Courtney's phone went off. She looked at it and rolled her eyes. "I'm so sorry, but Pete's being retarded. I have to go yell at his ass. Are you going to be ok?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Go." The door closed behind your friend and you stared at the wall blankly. The beeping of the machine lulled you into a light sleep.

I've got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch

When you woke up again, there were only small lamps on in the room. You looked to your right and your heart skipped several beats. In a chair next to your bed slept Patrick, his head lolled to one side. You couldn't help but to smile to yourself.

"You're awake?" he asked gruffly, as if he himself had just woken up. He cleared his throat.

"You're here," you whispered.

"Yeah, Courtney and Pete made me finally come in."

"What do you mean?"

"They didn't tell you then?" You shook your head, not understanding. "I've been sitting outside your door since you were rushed to the hospital, I just couldn't bring myself to come in when they started letting in visitors."

"You've been here since the day of the accident?"

"Minus a few hours, but yeah…pretty much."

"Patrick-" you started.

"Please just let me say this before I lose my nerve." You nodded. "I never knew that one person could hurt you so badly and simultaneously make you want to be with them. I was furious with myself for that. I hated that I still felt anything for you after what you did, even though we were never really together. And I hated that you were more than free to make the choice you did. I hated myself for living in the fantasy where I was all you ever needed." He took a shaky breath. "But then…those things you said in my car…I dunno. Something inside me just…snapped into place, I guess. But before I could make myself do or say anything, you were gone. A minute later, I heard the crash and I didn't want to look because somehow, I knew it was you. I couldn't bear to think that I had lost you again before I got the chance to get you back. So I followed the ambulance to the hospital." A pained expression spread across his weary face. "When I saw your car torn to shreds, bowed in on the driver's side the way it was, I knew I had to tell you if it was the last thing I could do for you. I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to speak to you again. I didn't want to be too slow to react, not this time. I love you too, Julie."

"Do me a favor?" you asked, tears stinging in your eyes.

"Anything."

"Don't be too slow to react ever again." He stood and leaned in towards you, gently brushing his soft lips against yours. You laced your fingers in his hair and pulled him in closer to deepen the kiss. It was unlike any kiss you had shared before.

"Stay with me," you whispered as he slowly pulled away.

Best friends, ex-friends to the end
Better off as lovers and not the other way around