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Chapter 36:No Giving Up (Crossfade)

What the fuck was going on?

Brittany's POV

Everything just fell apart.

One minute, Ana was standing there in front of everyone, finally confronting her secrets and getting ready to be open honest and then the world split right open.

At first I thought that it was just a coincidence that both Sandra and Damariz's phones went off at the same time. Ana immediately knew better. She stopped talking and looked over at Sandra as she answered her phone. Seeing Sandra flipping out like she was...well...me, kind of shed new light on how I must have looked when I flipped at Ana.

Sandra had just punched the wall when the door started to rattle with someone banging on it. Ana looked over that way and that's when I saw how bad she was shaking. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Quinn thankfully was right next to the door so she jumped up and pulled the door open.

There stood Rachel, covered in what looked like mud but smelled awfully a lot like shit.

"This is not a good time, Rachel." Quinn said as she blocked her entrance.

"Let her in."

Ana distractedly mumbled as she watched Celia and Damariz with their arms around Sandra. I wasn't paying attention to Rachel either because now Damariz was sliding down to her knees and crying into her hands and Celia stood there looking blurry eyed and kept shaking her head.

The world was still for just a moment as we all watched the three sisters completely falling apart. At first I thought that their mom died but I knew for a fact that they didn't really care for her.

"What's going on?" Ana squeaked out. Her whole body was hunched over and she was rubbing her palms together.

Now that she had pointed out how she was fighting all day to ignore the cravings, I could see it. She was in pretty bad shape.

Or at least I thought she was.

What I didn't know yet but was about to find out was that the world as she knew it was about to blow up.

Celia came over to us and tried to get Ana to sit down.

"No...I won't sit! Tell me." Ana begged.

"You should sit down." Celia said through her tears.

"NO! Fucking tell me already!" she screamed.

"There was an accident, Brenda, Little Ethan and Brendan...they're gone." she whispered. The scream that came from Ana as she fell into Celia's arms was the most heartbreaking thing that I had ever heard. I heard the crackle of the baby monitor and Izzy's voice.

I went to walk towards the room but Hector shook his head and pointed towards Ana. He was going to go get him while I comforted my wife. Honestly, I didn't know what to do.

What could I do?

I'm not good with these sorts of things.

At least I thought that I wasn't but then all of a sudden Ana was flinging herself into my arms and I was just holding her tight to me and allowing her to cry and question.

I would just be there for her the best that I could.

My heart hurt as I thought of Brenda and her four boys, Ethan and Xavier were twins and were around ten and then there was little Evan who had just turned five Labor Day weekend and then the baby, little Brendan was just two years old.

This just seemed so unfair. Especially since Brenda's husband had died at war.

Where was the justice?

Ana never got to talk to her sister's after that because they left well Sandra and Celia left to go to LA. Damariz though was too pregnant to fly so she ended up crying herself to sleep in the guest room with Dani.

Gladys was in the kitchen drinking coffee with Hector and Sal, and Puck took Beth and Izzy up to the nursery. So now it was just me holding Ana as we sat on the couch.

She would whimper every few minutes after long silences.

I didn't really know what to say to her because I didn't want to lie.

My head shot up when I heard Quinn whispering harshly to Rachel.

"How dare you fucking show up here looking and smelling like shit and drunk! What happened to the Rachel Berry that I fell in love with? I miss her!"

Ana must have heard her too because even though her face was buried against my shoulder she said loudly,

"Leave her alone Q. She's here for a reason."

After that she pulled away from me and sat straight.

This was Cheerio Santana. I watched as she transformed right in front of my face. She wiped her tears away with her palms and then sat up straight and looked across the room at Rachel and Quinn.

"What is it Rachel?" she said softly while plucking imaginary lint from her track pants.

Rachel stood there, the mud/poop stuff becoming crusty as it dried.

"I was wondering if you might let me stay here just for a few days? I got kicked out of school and I really don't have any other place to go. I will do anything...to help." she said weakly.

I looked over at Quinn who's eyes were wide and shocked as she looked at her ex-girlfriend. I looked down at my wife and she looked like she was thinking hard about it and then a sneaky smile crept over her face.

"I have a better idea."

"You do?" Rachel perked up, excited that Ana was willing to help her in some way.

"Rehab."

"What? Why?"

"You're an alcoholic Rachel. News still travels fast in our glee club even if we are disbanded. You should be going to rehab."

"I'm not an alcoholic and I resent the fact that you think so." Rachel said as she huffed and crossed her arms over herself.

"Look, I know that stuff seems pretty bad for you...but look around, my sister and two of my nephews just died, I might be going to jail tomorrow, and Ari is in the hospital fighting cancer again. So you going to rehab doesn't seem like such a big deal. So stop being so self centered Rachel and maybe realize that life doesn't revolve around you. I have been sober for over six months and I'm still going to rehab. So can you."

Rachel looked like someone had struck her. She stood there looking at my wife like she had just stabbed her through the heart. I felt Ana curl against me again but this time there were no tears just a whole lot of shaking.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" I whispered softly.

"No...Dani is going to wake up soon...can you go get her when she wakes up? I need to go in that kitchen and talk to my mom, if I can't tell anyone else...she should at least know." I nodded and then stood slowly to my feet. I looked down and could see my wife trying to take deep and steady breaths before pushing up on her feet.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I can do this on my own."

"Are you sure that it's a good idea?"

"For me...right now...yes. I need to do this...Sal and Pa will be in there too. No worries."

She stood to her feet and then leaned in and kissed my lips. The kiss was soft and sweet and made me realize that even at times like this when everything else had gone to shit me and Ana were still us and things would be good again between us.

I should have gone with her. My instincts had told me that it wasn't a good idea to let her go in that kitchen without me but I listened to her. I stood there watching her walk towards the kitchen with her whole body shaking as she wrapped her arms around herself.

She was feeling like shit and it was my job to fix that but she had asked to do it alone, so while I wanted to be there holding her hand, instead I was dealing with Rachel.

Quinn was standing by the door and talking in a hushed whisper on the phone. She had wanted to go with Celia but ended up staying behind at Celia's request because Ana and Damariz would need her.

She wasn't happy about it.

"So I guess you can stay in the guest room on third floor. Is that okay Quinn? " I said as I looked over at Q. There were only three rooms up there and one of them was Quinn's. She would be all alone with Rachel for the time being and it was her call.

"That's fine B, it's your house." Quinn said before returning to her phone conversation.

"Thank you very much Br-"

That's when the yelling started.

I hadn't heard Ana raise her voice like that in such a long time but she wasn't the only one yelling so was Gladys and then I heard what sounded like a slap.

I was on high alert as I made a mad dash for the kitchen.

Something went wrong and I hadn't been there to stop it.

Then there was another smacking sound and then everything went silent.

I pushed into the kitchen with Quinn on my heels.

Hector was standing in between mother and daughter who both had a hand pressed against their cheek. Shit. Had Ana hit her mother? Unreal!

Wow.

Ana looked at me with angry eyes and then back at her mother.

"Did you know Brittany?" Ana turned her eyes towards me. "Did you know that my Abuela was dead and you didn't tell me?"

No...this wasn't supposed to happen like this.

Crap.

"I was...I was there when Gladys found out. I-I went to the funeral with her and everything."

"Again...why didn't you tell me? I have been awake for weeks...I named Daniela after her...you had plenty of opportunities to tell me, Brittany!"

I stepped back and bumped straight into Quinn. Ana was backing me into a corner and now I had no where to go.

"I'm sorry...we all thought it would be best-"

"Best?" she cut me off and was pressing a finger into my chest. Cheerio's Santana was sticking around. "Nobody knows what is best for me but me! Got it?"

"San calm down." Quinn said from somewhere behind me.

"Don't you fucking tell me what to do, Blondie!"

"Okay...lets go outside for a little...take a breather?" I said as I placed my hands on her shoulders.

"Don't fucking touch me."

She stormed passed me and left me standing there feeling more confused than ever.

What had just happened?

Santana's POV

I stormed into the guest room and there was Damariz holding my little girl and singing to her. It calmed the raging beast that was inside of me fighting to get out.

I didn't mean to snap the way I had. Britt was just trying to help me and be there for me but all the death was just too much. It was like I was being punished for what I had done.

I just wanted to give up and runaway, go on an endless bender.

Everything was just so fucking unbelievable.

"Come sit with us, Ana." Damariz said as she looked up at me. "My niece is hungry and you need to calm down."

I didn't argue as I looked into my older sister's face. She and Brenda were identical twins who despite different tastes in fashion both always kept their hair long.

It made my heart clench just to look at my sister.

This was just all fucked up.

"So...what were you about to tell everyone out there?"

We had been sitting there on the bed for quite awhile in silence. I had begun to feed the baby as Damariz sat there rubbing her stomach and humming. I had been falling asleep against her shoulder while feeding the baby when she broke the silence with that question.

"Do you really want to know?" I said as I sat up abruptly. Daniela was asleep so I just started burping her instead of giving her more.

Damariz sat up and reached out for the baby. I handed my daughter over and watched as my sister continued to burp her and then when she was done, she leaned over and tucked her into the bassinet. I sat there twisting my shirt in between my fingers as I waited for Damariz to come back to bed.

It didn't take long.

"Talk to me." she said as she pulled my hand in between hers. I we both sat cross-legged facing each other and holding hands. It was the closest the two of us had ever been.

"When I lived here last summer...I was taken advantage of...and-" suddenly the door swung open and in stormed my mother with Brittany right behind her trying to stand in front of her.

"What did you do?" Mami screamed at me. I had never gotten the chance to tell her because she had cut me off in the kitchen so that she could tell me about my Abuela dying. So now she was disrupting a peaceful moment.

Daniela started crying and I flipped.

"Was that really necessary Mami? With my daughter right here?" Britt walked over to the bassinet and picked up the baby. She tried her best to soothe her but it was useless. It was only something that I was capable of.

"Give her to me, Britt."

Brittany nodded and then walked around Gladys and brought her to me. Daniela looked up at me with watery eyes and continued to cry really loudly.

I was so angry and felt so terrible for disturbing her from her sleep.

This was all just so overwhelming.

I needed a way out.

Brittany's POV

I was really fed up and just wanted people to leave so that I could talk to my wife alone.

Gladys was the first person that I had to get rid of and since she could calmly leave on her own, I did the next best thing.

While she ranted at Ana, I walked back into the kitchen and cornered Hector.

"You need to take her to the hotel." I said as I leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at both him and Sal. "Ana has a lot of pressure and stuff going on. Maybe it would be better if you just left. Come back in the morning...but if you really want her to turn herself in tomorrow morning then let her have this time with our kids. She shouldn't be wasting her time arguing with her mother. It's pointless."

I didn't give Hector a chance to respond because I stormed out of the room and headed into the living room where Quinn was sitting with Izzy in her lap.

He was having another one of his treatments.

I rubbed his little head and then stood in front of Q completely.

"Hey B...is everything okay in there?"

"I need a favor." I said as I held Izzy's little hand in my own.

"What do you guys need?"

Just when I finished telling Quinn what I needed from her there was banging coming from the guest room.

"What the heck?" Quinn said as she craned her neck towards the closed door.

I jumped to my feet and walked over to the room.

When I went to open the door, I could hear the crying coming from the other side. I tried the door but it was locked.

"I can't fucking believe you, Mami! How dare you say that about me! Get out of my house!" Ana screamed.

The shit had hit the fan.

"Hector!" I screamed towards the kitchen. He was in the dining room in no time as I began to bang on the door.

"Ana? Gladys? Damariz? Open the door!" I was pleading with them but I doubted that they could hear me over their yelling.

What bothered me the most though was the fact that my newborn was still screaming.

Hector rammed his shoulder into the door just once and it popped open. It was amazing to see and if I had more time I would have tried to get him to show me how to do it. Then there was another smack at the same time of the door slamming against the wall.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! I am your mother!"

"Only when it's convenient!" Ana screamed.

Another slap!

It was like I felt it.

My heart clenched as I dove in front of of my lunging wife. Ana's body slammed into mine so hard that we flew past Gladys and crashed into the wall. I held her tightly around the waist so that she wouldn't turn around and try again. She was facing the wall and I had my front pressed against her back.

"Hector? Now!" I never would have yelled at him like that but this was out of control. I could still hear Dani crying but I realized that she wasn't in the room. The bathroom door was closed. I leaned against Ana while she growled and threatened her mother, I leaned enough, so that my lips were brushing her ear. "Think about the baby...she needs you right now."

Ana's body slumped against me and I loosened my hands but didn't let go completely. She rested her forehead against the wall, her body began to shake and then I heard her sniffling.

"I'm sorry." she whispered only low enough for me to hear. "You can let me go, B, I'm going to go get Dani." she whispered.

I stepped back but kept my arms out just in case she tried to lunge but she kept her word. She turned around and walked straight towards the bathroom door without chancing a glance around the room.

Ana surprises me everyday.

It's amazing to see how much she has matured.

It's a welcome change.

Santana's POV

By the time that everyone left the house, Damariz included, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep the moment that we got into the room. Sleep though didn't last long because Isaac woke up calling for me.

Britt tried to go to him but he kept shaking his head and calling for his Mami.

I pushed out of the bed after listening to Britt trying to reason with him over the baby monitor. She was trying so hard to let me sleep but the truth of the matter was that I had slept for hours in the afternoon but she had been up the whole day, since before sunrise.

When I walked into the nursery I found her on her knees trying to play peek-a-boo with him but he kept whining.

"Hey Papa, are you giving your Mama a hard time?" I said as I walked over to stand beside a kneeling Britt.

"Mami!" he shrieked and pulled himself to his feet. I had never seen him do that and it blew me away. I leaned over and picked him up.

The moment that Isaac was in my arms, he laid his head on my neck and started humming himself back to sleep. I rubbed his back as I rocked on my feet and began to sing to him. After a few minutes he was out cold, so I put him back in the crib and tucked him in.

Britt had stayed quiet the entire time.

When I looked down, I could see that she had fallen asleep with her head leaned against the changing table. She had purple bruises under her eyes from the exhaustion and it made my stomach turn. She was exhausted and it was barely eight thirty.

I leaned down and kissed her face a few times but she didn't budge.

"Brittany? Baby?" I said as I pressed forward more and kissed her lips. At first nothing happened but then I felt her press her lips against mine.

I was lost in the kiss and didn't even realize that she was now standing and backing us out of the room until I felt the cool air of the hallway on my back.

"I'm sorry to interrupt." I groaned as I remembered my new house guest. I pulled away from Britt and looked her in her eyes.

"Britt, go ahead and lay down okay? I need to talk to Rachel. I'll be in soon." I leaned in and kissed her as she nodded and then shuffled into our bedroom and shut the door softly.

I turned to Rachel and finally got a good look at her.

She had apparently showered and was now wearing an old lady nightgown.

I snickered and then gestured towards my office.

I needed to lay down some ground rules if she was going to be staying in the same house as my children and my wife.

The new Rachel Berry was more ruthless and reckless. I didn't really trust her but she needed someone to believe in her and since she believed in me even when I didn't deserve it, I decided to return the favor.

It was the adult thing to do.

I shut the door to the office and then sat down on the big comfy sofa. I patted the cushion next to me and waited for her to make her way over.

When she sat down, that's when I caught a hint of a smell, I leaned closer and could see that she was a little bleary eyed.

"Are you drunk?" I asked flat out.

"I'm sobering up currently."

"How often do you drink Rachel?" I said as I tried to maintain eye contact.

"Everyday, every night. Most of the time."

"I'm going to have to ask you to not drink in this house or come back here drunk. I know what alcohol can do to a person's judgment. It's how I got pregnant...it's what helped my father to beat me for years. It's what's killing your talent."

"I'm aware that I may be developing a bit of a problem."

"You already developed it...now what are you going to do about it."

"What does it matter? I already failed." She said as she looked down at her hands.

"Look at me, Rachel." I said. Slowly she raised her head just enough so that she could look me in the eyes. "I may have given you a lot of shit in high school but I admired you. You had the ambitious will power to succeed and let nothing stop you or stand in your way. Somewhere along the way from then to now, you have lost your way. It's like seeing your hero fall, I can't let you fall Rachel. You are better than this." I reached out and took her hand in mine. "If you go to rehab, know that I will be there with you. We are a family, you won't have to go at it alone. On the same token, if you decide that you want to continue along your path then I'm going to ask you to do it elsewhere. Okay?"

We talked for awhile and then her phone rang. She looked down at it and then back up at me.

"Is it true? What you said about Ari and the cancer being back?"

"Yes...she found out last night."

"Is she going to die?"

"I sure hope not...she has so much to live for. So many good things are waiting for her."

"Yea."

"I feel the same about you, Rachel. You have so much ahead of you. I think that you are still at a place where you can stop before you completely lose yourself."

"Do you really think so?" She said, for the first time looking at me with hopeful eyes.

"I know so Rachel."

"Can I hug you?" she said softly. "It would seem that both of us are in dire need-"

"Shut up and hug me already." I said as I opened my arms and allowed her to wrap her arms around me. She leaned against me and then quickly pulled away but then I pulled her back and wrapped my arms around her.

"I don't get why you are being so nice to me." she whispered.

"Because...when I was at my lowest I had people around to help me out but it took me realizing on my own that I was worth more than drugs, random sex, and alcohol. You have that too...you just have allowed yourself to forget. I won't let you give up on yourself Rachel. I meant what I said on graduation day. Be the best you that you can."

"Thanks Santana." she said as we pulled away from each other.

"Thank you, Rachel...for helping me see why I fight to be sober."

When I climbed in bed the first thing that I noticed was that Britt was still awake. She was lying there on the bed staring at our daughter and crying.

I wrapped my arms around her and spooned against her back. It made me smile when she reached an arm back and dropped it around my back.

"Are you okay?" we both said simultaneously.

"Jinx!" I laughed against her back.

"What happened in there, Ana?"

"Mami...wouldn't stop yelling even with me holding the baby and so Damariz took Daniela and locked herself in the bathroom. Once they were out of the room, Mami was down my throat basically about the way that I had spoken to her. I tried to reason with her and was as nice as possible but she wanted to fight with me."

"You hit her Ana." I sighed heavily as I thought about how I had snapped and physically assaulted my own mother, the same woman that threw herself in front of my father's blows to protect me from him.

"I'm so ashamed of myself Britt."

"I-I don't even know what to say." she said before slowly turning so that we were eye to eye. "So much happened tonight and then tomorrow you have to go to the station."

"I know...I have to pump some milk for Daniela so that you can feed her while I'm gone."

"I'm scared Ana." she admitted to me. I nodded and brushed her hair from her face.

"Me too."

"I just want everything to be okay again."

"So do I, Britt Britt. So do I."

"I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you." she rested her forehead against mine and ran her finger slowly up and down my arm.

I had goosebumps.

"I'm way past that now, Britt. I'm surprisingly peaceful. I feel like my mind is only letting me feel a quarter of my pain. I want to mourn my sister and my nephews but I can't allow myself to become lost. I need to be strong tomorrow. I need to seem rational and not insane."

"So you are just going to ignore it? Deflect? Isn't that what you have been trying to move passed?"

"Yea...you're right. I just...maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. I know that when Ian died it was more immediate. It made sense. This though...just doesn't seem real."

I knew that I had a serious case of denial going on but who could blame me with everything that had just happened.

What else was I supposed to do?

How else was I supposed to act?

Things were just going downhill for me.

Everything was just not working out how I had planned when we were still in Lima.

This was reality and just like I told Rachel, I wouldn't give up.

Not just on her, but on me.

I was worth it.

Or at least I would be.

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