Chapter 36

Tuesday, February 14

10:18 pm

Today for Valentine's day, I drove over – illegally, ooh, I'm so bad – to Kim's house and I brought her roses and chocolate. She flipping adored them.

Oh, and this Saturday, there's a Valentine's dance at our school and I bought us tickets.

Friday, February 17

9:24 am

Hooray for homeroom!

Not.

9:28 am

Just checked Perez Hilton's site. He made fun of me.

Again.

And called me a Kiwi.

10:02 am

Ewww!

Ms. Tranny just old us that we're going to be dissecting pigs Monday.

I ain't touchin no pig abortion!

Tess and I just went, "Ewww! That's sick!" Through the whole virtual dissection thing and didn't do the worksheet.

Tess was like, "Oh fuck I'm gonna barf."

I said, "Yea and this isn't even the real thing."

Me and her are lab partners. We're going to share a pig abortion on Monday.

12:25 pm

Sitting at the park eating lunch with Chuck.

He's a very comedic person, he is.

12:27 pm

Oh bloody hell! I just dropped my pizza on my white skinny jeans.

AHH!

FML!

12:31 pm

Penny just laughed at me and said, "Haha, Nate, it looks like you got your period!"

I did not!

2:45 pm

French is my next class!

Insert huge grin right here.

3:02 pm

Counting down the seconds until the end of maths class.

Only 298 more.

3:08 pm

Guess where I am right now!

3:10 pm

Cannot. Concentrate. On. Worksheet.

We're taking a test today.

Well, I'll just have to fail so I can go to tutorials!

4:00 pm

I totally failed that bitch.

Too bad so sad.

Doesn't really bother me.

School's over.

Yay.

Sad that Hottie Hoffman isn't at my house though. Only two more days until I get to see her again!

Saturday, February 18

10:40 am

Woke up.

Brushed my teeth.

Combed my hair.

Jason told me my dentist appointment's today.

I kicked him in the balls and ran.

10:41 am

Screw him, I am NOT going.

10:45 am

Tried to get Mum to take my side.

She just said, "He knows what's best." And then left with Gene to go do some celebrity like things.

4:12 pm

Someone kill me.

Just shoot me right now.

I'm gonna dieeee.

It was horrible, pandas, horrible!

I legit flipped a shit.

I sat down in the chair and right when the evil Dr. dentist dude came, I just started crying. And they had to wait like 15 minutes for me to stop, but I never did, so Jason was like, "Oh my god, shut up, Nate!"

That only made me cry and scream more. And then I just ran.

So they attacked me and Jason had to pin me down on the floor while they gave me a sedative. (Jason's really strong, bee tee dubs.)

Evil. Très, très evil.

I was so out of it for the first hour of the deal, and then I was like, "Ahh! What the hell are you doing?"

But something hilarious did happen. When I was fully conscious again, I was sitting there bored when I remembered something hilarious.

Okay, so when I was in 3rd grade, Penny told me that that at my parent's wedding (which I guess never actually happened…?) there was this guy there and for some reason, he got pissed off so he tore off his penis and threw it at the wall. And it oozed.

You know what's sad?

I believed her for the longest time.

But anyway, I was just thinking of that and I legit burst out laughing.

You know when something's really really fun and you're in an inappropriate place to be laughing, but you just can't stop? Well that happened.

Dr. Evil was like, "What the crap?"

But I just laughed harder.

So they had to stop the whole deal so I could have my little laughing fit.

6:29 pm

I am a horrible, horrible person!

Okay so I totally forgot that dance was tonight. Kim came over at six like I told her to, but I was in my jammies. (Cause they gave me something that made me really tired. Damn them.)

So I opened the door (in my red feetie jimjams, it was so embarrassing!) and Kim was standing there in her dress and everything.

I just froze and said, "The dance was today wasn't it?"

She looked kinda disappointed and just nodded.

We went inside and went in my room. And Kim was like, "So we gonna go or what?"

And I told her what happened and why I was in my jimjams and everything.

She did that girly protective thing and said, "Aww, sweetie!" and hugged me. Then she said, "Let's just stay here for the rest of the time. It'll be fun. Just the two of us."

I said, "I'll just sleep the whole time."

"It's okay. We'll sleep together."

"Sounds provocative."

And then she hopped in my bed and now we're going to bed.

So… good night. …?

8:08 pm

Took a really nice and long nap.

It was amazing.

First nap I've had in a long time. But I guess drugs do that to you.

Now I'm sitting on the couch with Mitchie, watching Shane and Kim battle each other in DDR.

11:29 pm

Mitchie, Shane, Kim, and I all went on a double date to TGI Friday's, even though it's Saturday.

That place sucks giraffe abortions.

When I got my meal, it was fucking cold. And it just overall sucked.

Monday, February 20

9:02 am

Study hall

Ew. Today is pig abortion day.

10:09 am

Tranny's class.

Well, that went… well.

Kay, so, there was a dead baby pig right in front of us, and me and Tess had to pin it down to this tray.

Well, Tess started crying and just sat in the corner, bawling, and so I had to be the one cutting it up and shit.

Right when I cut it open, all this water brown shit just started pouring out of him (Tess named him Charlotte) and so I got all freaked out and grossed out and I threw up.

And neither of us wanted to cut Charlotte up, so Ms. Tran did it for us, and I just watched and tried not to barf again. Tess kept screaming at Ms. Tran, "ALL PIGGIES WANT TO BE BORNED!"

So I joined in and said, "All piggies want to be borned! I'm pro choice, and it sure as hell wasn't this pig's choice to get cut up by a bunch of immature 15 year olds!"

And Tess just started crying even harder when someone decided it would be oh-so hilarious if they cut off their pigs head and dangled it in her face.

11:22 am

Went home.

Someone threw a pig liver at me and it got all up in my hair. And I legit flipped out.

It would NOT come out of my hair, and I just screamed and Ms. Tranny tried to get it out, but I was still just so grossed out, so I puked on her. And she was like, "Oh my god! Nate! Not again!" (Flashback to Texas when she was forcing me to do those worksheets!)

And everyone was quiet.

Except for Tess because she was still crying her eyes out.

12:00 pm

I decided to experiment with girly makeup. No, not because I wish to pursue a career as a flaming homosexual, but because Mum left her makeup bag in my bathroom. (For some reason, she likes to do her makeup in MY bathroom, it's so weird.)

Anyway, I got this bright orange eye shadow and just started putting it all around my eye. And it looked god awful.

So Jason walks by and sees me in my room, putting it on, and he just stares at me. And I stare at him.

Then he says, "Girl, you look like you belong in The Lion King."

And so he redid it for me.

I looked like a drag queen.

So I took it off really fast.

12:01 pm

Although, I did look really hot with mascara.

12:42 pm

I'm listening to emo music.

I want to write a story. That's so terribly emo it's amazing.

1:18 pm

Once upon a time, there was a magical prince named Nate. His father was an evil warlock, and Nate was in love with a frog princess named Melody.

Only too bad so sad for Nate, Melody liked pancakes. And Nate was allergic to pancakes.

"Damn all the pancakes!" Nate said.

He was angry. Very angry.

He was so angry that he went to his fairy godmother and asked her to wish away all the pancakes in the world.

"Bippity Boppity Boo!" and all the pancakes were gone.

But then Nate went back home and Melody had killed herself because all the pancakes were gone.

It was so tragic that Nate killed himself. But too bad so sad, Melody didn't actually die, because she was just playing possum!

And then Nate's father, the evil warlock, did something humongously ginormously, ridonkulously EVIL! As revenge, he made waffles disappear forever! It was so tragic and horrible that all the villagers had to move to a new country!

But the evil warlock had forgotten that waffles were his favorite, besides French toast. He languished (SAT word!) away.

Wasn't that just depressing?

3:45 pm

My family pulls so much fucking shit!

One word: Arranged marriage.

Well, that was two, but you should have gasped.

I was just in my room, chillin', chattin' with my homies online, when Mum came in and said, "Natey?"

"Yea?" I asked and closed my laptop.

She sat down on my bed. "I need to talk to you."

"Great, another intense moment. What is it this time?"

"We're gonna try something new."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… Gene says that he wants you to have… to have an…"

"A what? Abortion?"

"No, you sick perv. Arranged marriage."

"Huh?"

"You know, where we have someone picked out to marry you."

"I know what it is, I'm not retarded, but… really? Why?"

"You know what, I don't fuckin' know. But he's your dad and whatever he says goes. You're getting married to some chick in three months, cool?"

"What?! NO. NOT COOL. TOTALLY NOT COOL!"

"Well I'm sorry, Natey."

"Wait, don't you get a say in this? You're married to the dude, so you get fifty percent of every decision! Err, something like that."

"I can't say no to him, Nate, you don't understand."

"Who is he? Chris Brown? No, Mum, you can tell him no, YOU HAVE TO!"

"Sorry, Panda."

"Oh shit… oh fucker. Oh ass, tits, bitch, faggot! Please tell me I'm marrying Kim!"

"No… I'm sorry you're not."

"Then who am I marrying!?"

"It's a surprise."

"What the fuck do you mean, a surprise?"

"Well I don't fuckin' know yet."

"You don't fuckin' know?"

"No, I don't fuckin' know. All I know is that you're meeting her at a ball later."

"What is this? The Princess Diaries Two?"

"Just, just, just… bye."

Then she left.

3:52 pm

WHAT THE FUCK, I'M PREGNANT!?

That's so weird…

I found a box of pregnancy tests under my sink, so I pissed on one just for fun, and a little frowny face came up.

Does that mean I'm pregnant?

3:53 pm

I'm pregnant and I'm getting married in 3 months to someone I've never met in my life…

Great.

Oh my god, haha, mpreg.

3:58 pm

This is so weird.

I'm a virgin, I swear.

But I don't have a uterus.

Unless I'm one of those freaky hermaphrodites!

OHMIGOD, WHAT IF I AM?!

Shit! I'll be Octomum in no time!

3:59 pm

Wait, wait, maybe it's just a food baby…

Oh god, it better be.

4:21 pm

Ok, pandas, I just drank like a gallon of Gatorade. It's time for the moment of truth: food baby, or not food baby.

4:24 pm

This is so nerve racking…

Come on, hurry up!

What if I really am pregnant? That would explain why I threw up this morning…

Thirty seconds later

I feel like I'm in that movie, "Knocked Up."

4:25 pm

The moment of truth…

OH. MY. GOD!!

4:28 pm

I ran up to Jason in tears and said, "JASON, I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!"

And he said, "Okay, Nate, do we need to have the awkward sex talk? You're a boy… you can't have a baby, okay?"

"But I took a pregnancy test and a little frowny face came up."

"Yea. That means it's negative."

"What?"

"Yea…"

"I thought a frowny face meant your eggo is preggo, because who the hell wants their eggo preggo? Not in this economy at least."

"You're not pregnant, okay?"

And I just stood there. And thought about it. Then I screamed, "Hooray! I'm not gonna be Octomum!"

S'okay guys, it was just a food baby.

4:33 pm

I am just so relieved.

I'm gonna make some mac and cheese to celebrate the fact that my eggo is not preggo.

Nor do I have an eggo that could be preggo.

4:45 pm

Ugh, Mitchie, ugh.

4:47 pm

Her eggo sure is preggo.

1:11 am

In bed

Trying to sleep. But I can't.

Today was one of those days…

I threw up on my teacher, thought I was pregnant, made mac and cheese, ect., ect.

But I'm getting married in three months.

Like legit.

And I don't even know who this chick is.

And I'm only fifteen.

Grrr FML.

1:13 am

All I know is that her mum is famous.

And she lives here in Kiwi-a-gogo land.

Great. There's a lot of famous people here.

Now for a note from Nate:

Hey pandas. I'm a bit dissapointed that I haven't been getting many reviews. I was legit serious about the 15 reviews rule. Do you not love me anymore? Cause I already have Chapter 44 completed, but no one reviews, so I don't want to update. Review. Kthxbi.

Nate